Trapped between Genders

[Tristan]

Sometimes it feels like being trans is so overwhelming, if that's a good way to describe it. I'm in the awkward position of being partially out and mostly in the closet. What this means I guess is I have a male haircut, I bind, I wear male clothes, but for the most part I haven't told people that I'm trans so god only knows what they are thinking about the changes I've been making. I'm about to start on hormone therapy. I see the endocrinologist for the initial consult two weeks from today.

As I take another step towards transition, it has brought a bundle full of feelings. I feel so trapped between the two genders right now and at times it just scares me. Like I'm worried someone will see me as male then realize later I'm not or that they will see me as female, or that the people who know I'm female will connect the dots. Most days I ask myself like what the hell are you doing making this move here? The more comfortable I become with myself being male, the more uncomfortable I feel around friends and family who don't see me that way.

I weigh coming out against not a lot, and try to pep talk myself into hanging in there. Seven months till freedom or something like that. I also am seeing that I'm becoming more resentful and angry towards people in my life. I hate the pressure to try to be something I'm not and to conform and hate that the society pressure is so intense here that coming out may be the end of it.

I'm convinced I can dress male and etc at work and they'll never say a word, and they haven't in the five months or so I've been presenting as such there, but if I was to go forth with a legal name change and ask to be recognized as male, I have a strong feeling I'd be fired or I'd be harassed to the point I couldn't continue to work there. And if I didn't think it'd be hard to find a new job here being trans I'd probably tell them where they could put there job. But beyond that there are some really rough crowd guys where I work and I'm more afraid of what they might do even if I did leave. On the other hand, I want to slug the next person to call me any sort of female related word, like ma'am, miss, etc.

In public I feel a bit at a loss too. I avoid restrooms at all costs, but when I have to it's like what do I do? If I go into women's I'm a pervert teenager or something and the women glare at me. But if I go into the men's, what if I run into someone who knows me? It's a small town it's not that unreasonable that someone I know will be there. It's the fear of both in a way, fear I'm passing, and fear I'm not passing. Anyway I know this is just all rambling, but I just feel so jumbled up right now.

I guess it just mostly makes me angry. I didn't ask to be trans gendered. I'm angry that society is so hard on us who step out of the box they try to put us in. Being female is complete misery for me and I came to that point I'd rather die then continue on being someone I'm not. I think transition though is just as bad. There's all the weirdness and the awkwardness. The having to face your family and friends and try to explain to them what it is you are doing. Dealing with being the ? mark people stare at when you are out. I keep telling myself this won't last forever, that one day people will look and see me as male and they won't know. One day it will be my secret, but right now I feel like my gender issues are on public display and I just want to dive back in the closet.

I just wish there was a way to really give non trans people a glimpse into our hearts. So they can just experience the pain so many of us have carried our entire lives with mismatched body and brain. Maybe then it wouldn't be so selfish of us, maybe then we wouldn't be such freaks, but society doesn't care much for anything they can't relate to, so I guess that will just make us the whipping boys and girls for now. I wish we were truly the country of equality and tolerance. But that's expecting way too much from people.

And god damn, how am I going to tell my mother I'm starting the hormones? :strugglin

[ZenFrost]

First of all: :hugs:

Secondly: :clap: You hit the nail on the head with that. I'm in a similar position with some people seeing me as male and others seeing me as female, some knowing what I am and some not. And I'm working through a name change. It's never easy and it feels like there should be three stages: In the closet, out of the closet, and then back into the closet. We have to come out to our families at some point but after transition it would make things a lot easier if no one knew we'd ever been anything different.

[Hidden Tell]

Society as a whole really does kind of suck doesn't it?
I can definately relate to what you're saying. People are just so uncomfortable with anything and anyone they can't neatly classify. And since majority rules, we just have to deal with them 'til they can adjust. u_u
Best of luck with the family stuffz man. Wish I could be of more help, but my peoples have apparently come together and decided that this is some kind of bizzare boy-phase so yeah...kind in the same boat-like thing there.

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

I'm sorry Tristan... :hugs: I'm kind of in the same boat (as I think several of us are) ...on Wednesday I was standing on the street corner with a neon yellow sign proclaiming my TGness, and the following weekend I'm being dropkicked back into the closet by my family and harrassed into wearing my girl clothes. I can't even imagine what they'd do if I actually started to try to move the process along with name changes or T... good luck telling your parents, coworkers and friends. Being half out and half closeted myself, I totally sympathize.

And the bathroom thing? Since I started presenting as male, I've had to stand outside the bathrooms for a minute when I can't hold it, going through my mental checklist to figure out which is safer to use. Do you do that?

I'm angry too... but you know what? The more of us that are out, that take the plunge and just own up to who we are, the more it will become acceptable and normalized. It took gays and lesbians years and lots of brave people coming out to get them to the point where they are now... and I don't think we're all that different. So I guess my best advice is... be yourself, but be safe. If you're concerned about the guys you work with, then maybe try and relocate somewhere or quit before coming out fully. Good luck and blessings. :hugs:

[Tristan]

Thanks for the replies. In part I posted figuring I couldn't be the only trans guy who's in this position. I guess I should focus on the positives too, at least my mom has known since last March I'm trans so the hormones can't come as a total shock but the counseling was suppose to "cure" me not encourage me. I am moving to a much more liberal part of the country in May which is the only reason I'm starting the hormones now. I figure six-seven months on T I should be able to get by with maybe I hope. I figure people see what they want to see so the people I deal with everyday probably won't notice the day to day changes as much. I'm going to file for my name change shortly before I move (it takes about three-four weeks here to go through). Then I guess when I'm 1400 miles away I'll send the letter to let my employer here know to fix my W2. I know I'm going about this the smartest way I can for my situation. I just hate being closeted like this.


:hugs: To all the boys who are trapped between genders or have been....

[SirTrey]

Hey Tristan....You're NOT the only one....Being trans brings with it a LOAD of baggage and problems....Families being one of them....Before I start on T, I have to sit and tell My two sons that Mom is about to start growing facial hair....They know I dress as a guy and live My life as one (and that I filed for a legal name change), but still not sure how THAT is going to go over.....So, trust Me, I relate. Hugs....It will get better on the other side of all this....**Trey**

[kerrianna]

Aww Tristan, all you guys, I know how hard it is. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


There is no sugar coating it. It just plain sucks, and you're right TJ, if people could see the world from our perspective they might have more understanding and compassion. The trans movement and it's allies are working hard to help make that happen, but there will always be people who don't get it or don't want to get it. And where you live I imagine if we discovered the sky was actually green it would take a couple of decades for people there to start admitting that it might be green after all.


At least Tristan you can see a hole in the maze, to a place where you'll be able to stretch your wings a bit more. So I guess when you tell your mom you're starting T you know you have a car picking you up later anyway. It would be nice if your family could at least find a way to embrace you properly in their heads and hearts. The thing is, they might, and they might be too afraid to show it, in case their friends or neighbours jump on them. If they do support you I hope they aren't silent, because that's living from fear. Best to live from courage, which you, my dear lad, have plenty of.

This is kind of like a long bike ride, where you have this wobbly bike that every now and then goes out of control. You set out down the road and do okay for awhile and then the next thing you know the thing is in the gravel again and you're fighting to stay on or get thrown into the dirt. And the worst part is, you know you could be on this bike for a long time and no matter how much you concentrate and work at it, some where, some time, the stupid thing is going to hit the gravel again. I guess the only thing to do, other than quitting and being lost in the wilderness, is to dust yourself off, mutter a few curses or whatever makes you feel better (I tend to cry), and get back on the bike. At least you know you are still moving down that road.

You'll make it hon.

You have a quiet strength and a steely resolve. A few nicks on the knee and road rash isn't going to stop you.

It would be nice to find a gentle hill to coast down and a steadier bike. Guess that's what you're riding toward huh? :happy:


:hugs:

[Xaff]

Ey Tristan, being trapped between 2 genders is not easy. You are idd not the only one as other have said it also. Comming out of the closet is not easy, but idd much better than staying in the closet.

Iself have come out of the closet on school this week. It was hard, and i was a little scared of there reaction, becose they only new my as a Tomboy girl. But now I dress totay guyish. There reaction wasn't to bad. I went okey for so far.

I think you will defenetly feel much better when you start your hormones. The advantge for you is also that you already know that you want to becose male 24/7. Iself don't know that yet. I am still finding my way.

But anyway, good luck to you!

Xaff,

[Nicki B]

In part I posted figuring I couldn't be the only trans guy who's in this position.

Tris - sorry I didn't get to meet you, with Mark last weekend (definitely - hang on to that one ;) ).

I think what you are saying applies to pretty much all of us under the transgendered spectrum, not just F2Ms? It's a measure of your dysphoria how uncomfortable that makes you feel - Kittypw refered to transsexual purgatory (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=68778) and an awful lot of people took it to be what you're talking about?

Some of us find we can be happy in this in-between space - it isn't a given that everyone HAS to fully transition - but if you need to cross the divide, it's a miserable, but necessary, step on the journey?

As for restrooms - use the Boys. You'll quickly notice people don't look at each other in there? ;)

[Kieron Andrew]

As for restrooms - use the Boys. You'll quickly notice people don't look at each other in there? ;)

yup! i agree! you're less likely to get, 'thats a girl in the boys', then you would get 'thats a young boy in the girls' IMO....Ive had a few double takes in the girls but never in the boys cos they never look further than whats in their hands lol

[Emily Ann Brown]

Guys don't talk to other guys in the bathroom unless they know them so use the mens room. Worst thing that could happen is some bonehead realizes your body's birth sex and gets froggy and wants to show you his. Really doubt any guy would complain. In the women's restroom you might create a riot....besides , you don't belong in there anyway do you?

And as for your misery, I do understand man. What we go through just reinforces how strong we are mentally to survive.


Emily Ann

[Dasein9]

Hey, Tristan!

:hugs:

Straddling genders is weird. I'm afraid it gets weirder. But in a fun way.

You have one thing going for you -- you're a helluva good guy! So, people who already know you are more likely to put up with things they find weird. And people who don't like it, well, as we all seem to learn and re-learn from time to time, we're better off without 'em!

[Tristan]

Thanks for all the support and replies. I wish it was just as easy as using the men's room, but with my luck, my boss would be at the urinal or something. And while they may not pay that much attention, I'm sure if I ran into a male I knew who knew me as female, he would notice. Which is why I feel I can't here.

On the note again of the whole not getting respect from society and etc as trans people, I had a bad experience in my social group tonight. I ranted about it in the clubhouse but I feel it's related to this thread a bit too. The social group I went to is for gblt people. They were watching boys don't cry where a person there who was giving the intro on the movie referred to Brandon as "a girl who wears boy clothes" and went on to use female pronouns for him. It disheartens and angers me that even people in the community can not get it right. Anyone who has already seen this movie (and it was clear this person had) should have realized that Brandon was trans gendered and clearly identified as male. The crimes against him were brutal and obscene and it breaks my heart to think of what they did to him. I'm so insulted that someone could disrespect his life and death by referring to him as a girl who wore boys clothes. I'm also disappointed in myself for not calling them out on it.

[CaptLex]

I'm also disappointed in myself for not calling them out on it.
Don't kick yourself about it, sweetie. :hugs: Sometimes people take us by surprise with their ignorance and we don't have a ready response. I know you - you stand up when it counts, and I'm sure you'll be better prepared next time. I hope there isn't a next time, but chances are there will always be.

I'm counting the days till you don't have to suffer with a dual identity anymore. Like I said somewhere before, I don't know how Peter Parker does it. :p

[Kieron Andrew]

I don't know how Peter Parker does it. :p

ok someone has to ask....who?? :idontknow:
:rolleyes: nm! Spiderman!!

[CaptLex]

ok someone has to ask....who?? :idontknow:
:rolleyes: nm! Spiderman!!
Only the greatest superhero ever! :slap:

You get my point, though? The dual identity thing. :happy:

[Kieron Andrew]

You get my point, though? The dual identity thing. :happy:

yup although i would have said jekyll and hyde :heehee:

[ZenFrost]

yup although i would have said jekyll and hyde :heehee:

But that would imply multiple personalities! I prefer to think of transpeople as superheroes because we've got the whole double identity thing going on.

[Felix]

Hi Hun well here's a few :hugs::hugs::hugs: its funny I am thinking about changing my job what with my money situation now I need more security. Anyways if I go for this one and get in how will they take it when they know I feel half male and half female :eek: I mean they are quite open but ya never know do ya. I will have to wear a womans uniform but at least its trousers lol. But I will wanna bind so don't know how that will go down, I might have to wear a sports bra instead or maybe get one of those crop top type binders dunno yet all depends if I get in when I apply but yeah bein between is a pain at times. I feel for ya Hun :hugs::hugs: xx Felix

[Kate Simmons]

Only the greatest superhero ever! :slap:

You get my point, though? The dual identity thing. :happy:You know it Lex. Spidey has been a role model for me ever since Amazing Fantasy # 15 came out.;):battingeyelashes: