Using he/his & she/hers?

[Tray]

Since I'm a newby to all the lingo, my question is when to use the female/male pronouns? I don't want to offend anyone but at the same time, I'm having a little difficulty talking about my husband as a she/her, so what's the best way to reference? Thanks for all input.

[wannabie]

'SO' (significant other) is good
So is Partner, my other half or just husband.

Your choice.

[nikki_t]

'SO' (significant other) is good
So is Partner, my other half or just husband.

Your choice.


:iagree:

But if you really need to use he/she in a sentence, you would usually refer to them as the persona they are projecting. So, if your SO is a MTF CDer you would refer to "her" as a "she".

Welcome to the forums BTW. :D

[melissaK]

. . . :if your SO is a MTF CDer you would refer to "her" as a "she".
:iagree:

Takes a little getting used to, but using the pronoun of how they intend to present is how we are supportive of each other. Some other handy abbreviations: when you talk about someone presenting as male who is a genetic male, you can use GM too. A genetic girl presenting as a girl is a GG. SO is significant other. Keep an eye open for our transmen friends (ftm) and be sure to call them he. It all comes pretty easy after not too long.

hugs,
'lissa

[Tray]

Thanks sooo much for the info. Like I said, I definately DO NOT want to offend anyone. This forum has been very beneficial to both my SO and myself so I don't want to mess that up..... everyone needs somewhere they can be themselves without being judged and this seems to be the place for all of us! :thumbsup:

[trannie T]

I can understand Tray's reluctance to refer to her husband as a "she." It is also difficult to refer to someone who is presenting themself as a female as a "he." I would try to avoid the use of pronouns as much as possible.
One solution might be to ask which pronoun Lori prefers.
Why not write 'Miss Manners' this might be an issue she would enjoy.

[DonnaT]

Use what ever pronouns you fell comfortable using for your husband. There are no rules against using he/him/his if that's more comfortable to you.

My wife can't handle calling me Donna or she (etc.), which is one reason she won't go out with me enfemme any more.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Tray, I personally don't use pronouns that much. I prefer to call someone by their name (guy or girl) when talking to them or about them. For myself, I have no problem with others calling me Rich when I'm en femme because that is who I am really. Just my personal comfort level, I guess.:happy:

[Kieron Andrew]

Since I'm a newby to all the lingo, my question is when to use the female/male pronouns? I don't want to offend anyone but at the same time, I'm having a little difficulty talking about my husband as a she/her, so what's the best way to reference? Thanks for all input.

personally you will find most if not all of the FtMs here prefer male pronouns, as for your hubby SO (significant other) or even hubby because thats what they are

[BarbaraTalbot]

its kinda simpler to refer to GG's transwomen, and mtf cd's all as she/her and of course Transmen and ftm cd's (which curiously, I find to be rare) as he/him. Its just a safer assumption.


On rare occasion there might be a mtf CD that really does feel comfortable with his male side and views the dressing as only a fetishistic pursuit. In real life you might find he (in that case) prefers he. In that case, 'he' is going to have no problem being addressed as she in the context here. (This is kind of the case for me)

SO the most likely to not tread on anyones emerging and sometimes tender feelings, its safer to address the gender they present in their persona here. Sometimes that matches real life because quite a few ARE that gender full-time.

good question and well worth discussing from time to time.

Barbara

~Just a dude in a dress and a killer pair of heels.

[Ema1234 GG]

I'm having a little difficulty talking about my husband as a she/her, so what's the best way to reference?

I think everyone else has pretty much covered what to call other members on this forum but I'd just like to say don't beat yourself up if you can't use female pronouns for husband.

Your relationship with them is completely different to that of other members on this forum. I'm guessing you met him as a guy, you married him as a guy so no wonder your finding it difficult to adjust to calling him using female terms. In terms of your husband, do whatever you feel comfortable with. In terms of everyone else, follow the advice you've already been given on here.

Personally, my partner will always be a man and I will always refer to him as such and he understands that and would never ask me to do otherwise.

:2c:

[Sheri 4242]

First, welcome to the forum! I hope you and your husband find this a safe and enjoyable place in which to learn and grow!

You've been receiving some good information thus far, but it seems to me that the sole issue subtending your inquiry deals with using feminine words for your husband and a reluctance to refer to him as she or her. That's quite understandable!!! IMO, you should use what you and you alone are comfortable using regarding your husband. If you have any discomfort refering to your husband as she or her, then simply use he/him. I know that at one time in our relationship, my wife was the same. Today, though, she has a firm grip on the fact that I am happily a male -- a male with a female side (or a feminine personna or aspect -- you'll hear it put many different ways) -- and my wife is secure in her knowledge that both personnas are me -- and that both are equally pledged to her. You might only feel comfortable with using he/him right now, but maybe someday that will change. Go with what fits your current comfort level -- modify as your comfort level grows!!! My wife and I had a "marriage vow renewal" service in Las Vegas earlier this year. NOW, that sounds innocent enough, right? Well, the deal was I was the bride. I bring this up b/c even two-three years ago my wife would not have been able to do that, even though she is clearly an accepting, supportive wife. By the time we did this ceremony, she was more ready than even she thought!!! I say this b/c when the minister asked (before the service) what to call me, my wife quickly answered (cut me off -- and really caught me off-guard), "call her Sheri, please."

I promise you: even six months prior, my wife would absolutely NOT have said this!!! But, she had progressed to a new level of love and understanding and spoke from her love and from her heart!!! We had a beautiful service full of tears of joy from us both!!! Two months prior, my wife had said she hoped it wouldn't hurt my feelings, but she just might have to laugh at our renewal. When the day came, she was overcome by joy in the solemn and beautiful way we were extending our vows. So, stay within your own sense of proper bounds -- and be open to growth!

[Carla Maria]

My wife has no problem refering to me as Carla but I guess she really hasn't had the opportunity to use the pronouns she/her yet. Will find out when we get to her sisters in a few months.

[LoriNC]

just do not call me "late for supper" other than that im fine with pretty much anything you want to put on me. :2c:
:hugs::love:

[Tree GG]

just do not call me "late for supper" other than that im fine with pretty much anything you want to put on me. :2c:
:hugs::love:

It bothers him if I use his male name when he's all dressed up so I stick w/ "hun" or something like that. It's just "weird" to call him Darlene. I almost always refer to him with masculine pronouns. I mean no disrespect to him or anyone else, and he knows that and is OK with it. Some folks are really touchy about it so I tread as lightly as I can with my big ol' boots on. :heehee:

[dancinginthedark]

Since I'm a newby to all the lingo, my question is when to use the female/male pronouns? I don't want to offend anyone but at the same time, I'm having a little difficulty talking about my husband as a she/her, so what's the best way to reference? Thanks for all input.


I went though this as a newbie myself. It was my husband and I just couldn't bring myself to call him a her. No matter how often other members did [a whole nother thread on how that hits a newly informed S/O] I had a hard time with that. So I jumped around a lot, he, her, uhh my husband and used s/he so much folks would tease me about it. :heehee: But it's hard enough to settle it in your own mind without trying to be PC with a few thousand others out there when posting.

[xxx.sabrina]

just do not call me "late for supper" other than that im fine with pretty much anything you want to put on me. :2c:
:hugs::love:

That's a good outlook! Why get bothered over something that really doesn't matter anyways?

I flip from "he" to "she" so often that the lines get blurred. Call me "dude" if you want... everyone does it and I often use the terms "man" and "dude" when addressing women I know... if they can't handle it, it's their own problem.

[KimberlyS]

Hi Tray, I personally don't use pronouns that much. I prefer to call someone by their name (guy or girl) when talking to them or about them. For myself, I have no problem with others calling me Rich when I'm en femme because that is who I am really. Just my personal comfort level, I guess.:happy:

Tray,
I am with Salandra on this. I am a guy in a skirt if presenting a femme image. I do try to avoid using m/f specific pronouns and will also use "gurl" to refer to a cd/tg mtf, but know some find it offensive. I have caught myself often on pronoun use, and very often using male pronouns for CDers especially when talking one on one and I know them in both presentations.

For my wife the pronouns are a big issue. She always calls me by my male name even when out together and I am enfemme. For her I need to use male for MTF's and female for FTM's. And to confuse things even worse talking about a MTF as him using a feminine name as that is the only one I know for most people here. My wife will often ask me to clarify physical sex and TG type.

So for me making my wife happy and not offending others here is a challenge for me. Just call me weird and skip the pronouns.

KimberlyS

[Phoebe Reece]

It can be a little confusing for long time CD's as well. In my Tri-Ess chapter there are a number of us who are friends both as guys as well as our femme personas. We will often in conversations jump between he or him to she or her in regard to the same person. We know what we are talking about, but it would certainly sound strange to the uninformed listener. As we explain to waiters, SA's, and others that we intereract with, it is simply more polite to refer to someone in the same gender as they are presenting. Waiters in restaurants usually understand that being more polite helps to get bigger tips. But in conversations between husbands and wives or between friends, it really doesn't matter what is used - as long as no disrespect is intended.

[Kieron Andrew]

and female for FTM's.
good job u dont do it on the forum cos you might get few of us rant at you, or not acknowledge you

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

It's interesting because in this one minor question, he or she?, my whole "is this okay" guilt comes rushing out. What do I want? What is acceptable for society around me? What do those I love want?

My goal: to try and find the most happiness with the minimum of distress, for all involved. Thus it's important for me to present age appropriate and blend in as much as I can. I shop at slower times. I dress mostly for and by myself. I try to avoid exposing kids or others where there may be some discomfort.

But I also LOVE being called she, her, miss, madam! I'd suggest trying to use the feminine pronouns when "appropriate". You might find yourself getting more comfortable with them. And it may bring some happiness to those you love!

Kathleen Ann

[Nicki B]

Why get bothered over something that really doesn't matter anyways?

Because it can often be deeply wounding, as Kieron has alluded to, above?

I understand for people who know both 'faces', it's more difficult - in that case try to use something non-specific, like their name, or 'my partner', but repeated use of an inappropriate pronoun will often be seen as offensive? :strugglin

[Kieron Andrew]

Because it can often be deeply wounding, as Kieron has alluded to, above?

i agree, i would be completely gutted if someone called me 'she' when they know i am FtM therefore trying to present as Male

[CaptLex]

i agree, i would be completely gutted if someone called me 'she' when they know i am FtM therefore trying to present as Male
You're right, one little misplaced pronoun feels like a mosquito bite, but after enough of those, it feels like you've gone 10 rounds with Ali. Seriously . . . the wrong pronouns hurt, especially if used repeatedly. My solution is to charge money to each person that messes up - especially if they've known me long enough to know better. Hey, I might as well get something positive out of it! And if I get enough, I might be able to finally take a trip. :p

[Kieron Andrew]

And if I get enough, I might be able to finally take a trip. :p

come on over!, ive got a sofabed! :p

[CaptLex]

come on over!, ive got a sofabed! :p
Yes, but I know it's got someone else's name on it. :p

Sorry . . . off-topic :blushing: Back to your regularly-scheduled program . . . using the right pronouns.

[KimberlyS]

good job u dont do it on the forum cos you might get few of us rant at you, or not acknowledge you

Kieron, I would never do it out of disrespect which I think is key. I once had a store keeper address me as Sir when I was in full femme. I actually did not know he was talking to me at first. When I realized he was talking to me, I responded and we had a short conversation in which he kept using Sir and other male pronouns with emphasis when using them. I just ignored his usage as I could tell he was trying to get a response out of me and I was not going to let him win at that game. I excused my self and continued my shopping until I found my wife and then we left. We were not going to buy anything there.

Something else to think about Kieron. Many of us MTF CDers do not feel like a woman or girl when dressed and never do. And many do not even dress fully. Yet in conversations with others we felt pressured by others to take on a feminine name to make others more comfortable with us. But I have not heard complaints of feeling like others disrespect us. But we easily could.

KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt

[Mirani]

I am a "he" .. so if someone who knows me as a guy and slips up - well I dont take offence.

But ...

When I have "tarted myself up" tho and go to a restaurant and the waiter says "would you like to sit here sir?" I do feel humiliated.

[Kieron Andrew]

But ...

When I have "tarted myself up" tho and go to a restaurant and the waiter says "would you like to sit here sir?" I do feel humiliated.

thats exactly my point! when I make the effort to try to pass as male (which i do 24/7 btw) i expect the respect of calling me Sir, he, him....yes people slip up, but once corrected and once they know me, i expect them to get it right! its respect, and common curtiousy

[LoriNC]

I look at it this way & I am probably gone to make someone think I am a knuckle head :p but, If you are at home and your mate calls you he/or she it is because that is & always has been what you were & is to them on a minute to minute bases :heehee:. If you go out in your MTF or FTM or the many others dressed & that person you know has a problem with calling you buy the proper dressed pronoun & this bothers you then there are other problems that is not getting dealt with (disclaimer this just my opion).
I THINKI it boils down very easy either you & your mate are in :love: or not & if you are getting hung up on 1 little pronoun then might want to re-think a few things. ( If I have stomped anyones toes I am sorry but just my way of thinking & everyone entilted to that).

[Nicki B]

I once had a store keeper address me as Sir when I was in full femme. I actually did not know he was talking to me at first. When I realized he was talking to me, I responded and we had a short conversation in which he kept using Sir and other male pronouns with emphasis when using them. I just ignored his usage as I could tell he was trying to get a response out of me and I was not going to let him win at that game.

It's only ever happened to me once - my reply was "do you really think I dress like this, to be called 'Sir'?" :mad:


...if you are getting hung up on 1 little pronoun then might want to re-think a few things.

Lori, I don't think you understand just how important and hurtful it is, to very many? That lack of awareness, IME, causes significant offence within the trans/cd community. Effectively saying 'get over it' only demonstrates a lack of respect for others' feelings?

[Kieron Andrew]

If you go out in your MTF or FTM or the many others dressed & that person you know has a problem with calling you buy the proper dressed pronoun & this bothers you then there are other problems that is not getting dealt with (disclaimer this just my opion)




Lori, I don't think you understand just how important and hurtful it is, to very many? That lack of awareness, IME, causes significant offence within the trans/cd community. Effectively saying 'get over it' only demonstrates a lack of respect for others' feelings?

ok i will use an example to get my point across here that pronouns DO matter, i recently went to a FtM conference where almost all of us were FtM bar a few GG partners and mothers....there were quite a few of us boys who had not started the road to transition yet, but present 24/7 as male, also there was one older FtM who had gone through his transition and was now living fulltime male post op/post hormones (there were other post op boys too)......through out the WHOLE weekend he insisted on calling each pre transitioned boy 'she' 'her' and all the FEMALE pronouns you can think of!, now it didnt really get to me as im strong enough to tell the guy where to get off, but there were younger boys there who have just discovered their male side and it was very obviously a sensitive matter to be addressed as female when theyve spent so long battling to come out as male, it was hurtful, disrespectful and not to mention plain rude especially from one of our own.......

[SirTrey]

through out the WHOLE weekend he insisted on calling each pre transitioned boy 'she' 'her' and all the FEMALE pronouns you can think of!, now it didnt really get to me as im strong enough to tell the guy where to get off, but there were younger boys there who have just discovered their male side and it was very obviously a sensitive matter to be addressed as female when theyve spent so long battling to come out as male, it was hurtful, disrespectful and not to mention plain rude especially from one of our own.......

It hurts the MOST when one of our own, who SHOULD understand other ftm's and their issues, and what they would BE most sensitive to, is insensitive about it. We all travel our OWN road through this....and we, of all people, need to be MORE than sensitive to others who are on same or similar roads. Shame on him. :nono:

[LoriNC]

Lori, I don't think you understand just how important and hurtful it is, to very many? That lack of awareness, IME, causes significant offence within the trans/cd community. Effectively saying 'get over it' only demonstrates a lack of respect for others' feelings?

I was not saying this in such a broad stroke. I was referring as a wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend or any other partnership situation (in home). If one or the other partner has a problem with there partner or significant other calling them a him if born a him or a she for the same then re-thinking that partnership is something that need to be done & this is just my thinking.

ok i will use an example to get my point across here that pronouns DO matter, i recently went to a FtM conference where almost all of us were FtM bar a few GG partners and mothers....there were quite a few of us boys who had not started the road to transition yet, but present 24/7 as male, also there was one older FtM who had gone through his transition and was now living fulltime male post op/post hormones (there were other post op boys too)......through out the WHOLE weekend he insisted on calling each pre transitioned boy 'she' 'her' and all the FEMALE pronouns you can think of!, now it didnt really get to me as im strong enough to tell the guy where to get off, but there were younger boys there who have just discovered their male side and it was very obviously a sensitive matter to be addressed as female when theyve spent so long battling to come out as male, it was hurtful, disrespectful and not to mention plain rude especially from one of our own.......
I am not saying that when out for an event or a group or just 2 friends. This situation is one that requires,no demands a little more thinking of others feelings.

[Rhonda Jean]

I don't get too wound up about it. If I get referred to as a male when I'm dressed, I just know I didn't pass. No big deal. I just need to try harder. I think to expect to get referred to in the feminine when you don't pass is expecting something out of the general public that just isn't there. You may be the only TG person they've ever seen. If they can tell you're a male, how are they to know you'd like to be referred to as a female? Of course, all of us on this board would know, but most people either never or very rarely encounter a person whose dressed a a gender they obviously weren't born with. How are they supposed to know how to handle that woth no time to think about it?

There are times I get "maamed" when I am pretty sure I don't pass. I always think these people must have received some training or are somehow aware of our community. Sometimes it's because i actually pass. More often I get "sweetie", or "honey", or "dear". To me, this means I didn't pass, but the person is not offended, and has a friendly attitude towards me. I think that's an excellent compromise.