Rollercoaster

[Mirani]

Do you ever feel like you are on a rollercoaster?

I have highs and lows .. highs of delight and deep contentment ... and lows of feeling cursed by my needs.

Right now, I am down the bottom of the curve ... I suppose the only way is up.

I love my femininity - I hate my predicament (I feel like swearing and breaking something)

I am not looking for sympathy - justy needed to let this sense of utter despair out !!!!!!!!!!!

[BarbaraTalbot]

you have some sympathy..:)

probably will help to talk it out a bit..

what frustrates you the most, what brings you the most joy?

do the highs surpass the lows?

[Mirani]

Crossdressing has both given me a sense of fulfillment -- and has screwed my life

I hate it that I love being feminine.

I dont want this .. but I dont want to not have it.

The contradictions are driving me nuts.

[Annie]

I'm not sure if it is the same thing you live and feel but I've experienced some deep lows in the past ten years. While in those periods, I tried to smother my desires of feminity and basically threw everything I owned in terms of clothes, shoes, boots and wigs (god I had a great collection of those) to the garbage. While throwing the big black bags into the containers, I felt like liberated for a moment. But a doubt remained inside me. A few weeks later, the desires of feminity came back. I felt stupid and in urgent need of building from the ground up my wardrobe.

Now, when I feel those lows coming, I simply "tell" Annie to stay away for a while, just the time to get my head straight. I know this may sound like a case of split personality, like I'm a Smeagol/Gollum kind of creature but it is almost like that. I hate those periods. I would really like to be always %100 percent sure about what I want but I guess it's impossible.

So my best advice is: when in a low period, do something else, think about something else and come back to dressing later. Not sure if this will help but if it does, I'll be glad to have helped you.

[Marla S]

The contradictions are driving me nuts.
If you've found a solution, let me know.
I am a bit on the downside too, right now, but sh** happens.

[CassieJ]

Crossdressing has both given me a sense of fulfillment -- and has screwed my life

I hate it that I love being feminine.

I dont want this .. but I dont want to not have it.

The contradictions are driving me nuts.

Oh...how you just captured the whole it it so concisely. Perfect!

Cassie

[Kate Simmons]

One reason why I'm a tomboy, Hon.:happy:

[Karren H]

Never..... Well maybe but just the high parts... not many dipps in my life.....

[RylieCD]

I am highs and lows all the time. After how many years it still feels like I am trying to understand and come to terms with who I am. At times I wish I could take a pill and make it all go away (the dressing, the urges, etc) and other days I wonder if I am CD or TS. It is all confussing.

[charlie]

Do you ever feel like you are on a rollercoaster?

I have highs and lows .. highs of delight and deep contentment ... and lows of feeling cursed by my needs.

Right now, I am down the bottom of the curve ... I suppose the only way is up.

I love my femininity - I hate my predicament (I feel like swearing and breaking something)

I am not looking for sympathy - justy needed to let this sense of utter despair out !!!!!!!!!!!
Hello Mirani!
Rollercoaster. That is the word. I love the feeling of sitting here writing to you in my short skit and heels, but in the back of my male mind really wish I could kick the habit! Why do I risk being caught by everyone and having to elplain why I do this???

[sterling12]

Careful Hon! If that feeling of euphoria (high-highs,) and low-lows, is also an "overlay" in the rest of your life. You might have a bigger problem...it's usually called Bi-Polar.

If the lows are really like what you called "despair," it sounds a lot like that problem. If it gets really bad, you need to see a Doc and get a diagnosis. It is treatable.

At it's worst, the lows can lead to such deep despair that many commit suicide. That would be a lousy outcome! We need you for "The Cause and The Struggle."

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Oddlee]

Do you ever feel like you are on a rollercoaster?

I have highs and lows .. highs of delight and deep contentment ... and lows of feeling cursed by my needs.

Right now, I am down the bottom of the curve ... I suppose the only way is up.

I love my femininity - I hate my predicament (I feel like swearing and breaking something)

I am not looking for sympathy - justy needed to let this sense of utter despair out !!!!!!!!!!!

Mirani,

(Nice name, btw), One thing that has really helped me:

I am lucky to have a (not entirely) ex-lover who has remained my friend. Her term for our current relationship is "intimate friends" or "friends with benefits." In any case, she is entirely accepting of my dressing habits, and enjoys the access to errogenous zones provided when I wear skirts in her presence (she does not like wigs, however - so I take it off if it's that kind of evening). Interestingly, her ex-husband was also CD. Anyway, it sounds like you need someone sympathetic to talk to - in person by strong preference. Do you have anyone you trust enough? If not, this forum would probably supply a sympathetic ear. I'm sure most of us are accepting of personal messages...

Lee

[docrobbysherry]

Careful Hon! If that feeling of euphoria (high-highs,) and low-lows, is also an "overlay" in the rest of your life. You might have a bigger problem...it's usually called Bi-Polar.

If the lows are really like what you called "despair," it sounds a lot like that problem. If it gets really bad, you need to see a Doc and get a diagnosis. It is treatable.

At it's worst, the lows can lead to such deep despair that many commit suicide. That would be a lousy outcome! We need you for "The Cause and The Struggle."

Peace and Love, Joanie


Joanie is correct. Bi-polar is VERY debilitating, as well as dangerous, if u have it. Good news is, it's easily diagnosed and treated. U could feel like a new woman, ( or man), whichever u prefer, in no time. Please go see someone rite away. At least you'll know. And we can sto worrying about u!
RS

myspace.com/robertsherry

[Marlena-4now]

Mirani, I can definetly relate. It can all be very frustrating and a downer...the knowledge that I'll never be a real woman. The anxiety caused by needing to do something considered by many to be deviant and sick. The struggle to maintain a positive self image......and so on.......plus I hate my big honker of a nose !
When I get down on myself about being a crossdresser and girly man I remind myself that it does no one any harm, life is short so why spend my precious time on earth beating myself up about not conforming, a person's degree of macho-ness has nothing to do with thier basic goodness, so why don't I just give myself a break and quit stressing over it? C'est la vie, baby. Try not to take it too seriously,,,,,also, when I'm really blue some strenuous physical activity seems to help get me out of my depressed and despairing mind. :hugs:

[Wenda]

Lots of good advice, and, of course a number of surls who can relate. There is quite a lot of evidence to suggest dressing and depression have a relationship. I have been on anti-depressants for years.
Like many here, my intensity ebbs and flows. Almost a year ago now, mine dwindled to almost zero after a nasty exchange about breast growth. I just packed most of my stuff into suitcases and boxes and stored them. I kept some of 'my favourite things" (and NOT brown paper packages tied up with stirngs!) handy, like my lace-up gloves, lace-up boots, etc.
The urge/need began to return, and I was very glad I had not purged. A friend recently introduced me to an exciting young woman whose business card (chica domina) features 'CD Training" . We hit it off immediately and have an exciting plan for a halloween event.

My point here is to try to not struggle with it. If it doesn't feel right, let it slide. If you feel a burning need, go for it.
All the best, wenda.

[Mirani]

Thanks one and all for your messages and its nice to know I am not alone.

I found this:
http://www.bipolar.com/

and did the "test" - not sure if I passed or failed - but would appear that my ups and downs arent as a result of bi-polar disorder.

I mostly am OK - but just occasionally I sense of "helplessness" about who I am and what I do.

Thinking about it, I realise that I havent reconciled my delight and comfort of "being" Mirani with the the apparent contradiction of being hetro.

I am told that gender identity and sexuality are separate issues - I am not so sure.
I have asked myself if I am Bi or bicurious and have been denying it - but I believe I am being honest with myself and have no interest in attracting a man and actively yearn for the acceptance of a woman (women) and an intimate relationship with a woman.

Thanks again - I am not suicidal! - just confused of Brighton :)