Can one be happy as a cder only at home forever??? [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Tray

10-18-2007, 10:55 PM

Sonia_cd

10-19-2007, 12:23 AM

Hey Tray,

I completely see where your SO is coming from. In all the time I have spend thinking about my dressing, I seem fairly certain that I am quite happy dressing at home. I have not felt any urge or desire to be out dressed, nor for that matter be fully shaven. So I believe it is a personal issue of how far each CD'er wants to take his/her dressing.

Then again, having not ever gone out dressed, I am perhaps not entitled to come to a conclusion on whether I would want to or not.

S

docrobbysherry

10-19-2007, 12:24 AM

An excellent question. But it's very difficult to give you a definitive answer, as regards your SO. It appears there are degrees of CDing, and people's reasons for CDing vary greatly. I might be quite happy dressing at home, ( I do, and I am). Including NOT going out to meet others. As you have read from the many posts on this site, that would NOT be acceptable to others. Maybe you need to look inside yourself. Do you know how you feel about your SO if he does what he says? Are those activities really OK with you? Then, move on from there. If he wants to expand his CD horizons, how would you feel then? Would you rather not know what he's doing? He's changed the rules in your relationship, hasn't he? Will he do that again? You must both cooperate to make your relationship work in the future. I think your discussions should be with him, not us! I think u have a lot to work out. If you love each other, I know u can make it!
RS

Michelle (Oz)

10-19-2007, 12:39 AM

Hi Tray. Welcome to the Group and credit to you for wanting to understand.

The only answer to give you is that each person is different. My answer is that it wouldn't be enough for me BUT that is my situation some time down the journey.

The really important issue for you is that you husband is very likley totally genuine and honest in what he has said to you. If you are like my wife when she first was told of my interest in dressing, the main issue was about trust. What else was I hiding?

At that time I didn't think about a wig and make up let alone going out in public dressed. So whether your husband limits his dressing to the house or wants/needs to go further is beyond us to answer.

What you and he need to do is to agree the boundaries for his activities. It would help you to understand why he wants to dress and for him to understand your fears and concerns.

Michelle (Oz)

Oddlee

10-19-2007, 12:46 AM

I hope no one is offended by this question, but my spouse has said that dressing at home and not going out (with the exception of maybe going to a meeting of other cders) would suit him forever - he has no desire to tell the family or dress 24/7 - but I'm just wondering how many others have said or been told these same things only to decide otherwise down the road (I mean it took almost 12 years for him to completely share this with me, so whose to say in another 12 years.....) COMMENTS/THOUGHTS LADIES?????

Of course, we can only answer this for ourselves (and we do not always have a reasonable world view...) So, everything that follows is my own personal take on my own stage of development.

I was in the closet for half a century (scary to put it in those terms). This forum has helped me become more accepting of who/what I am. I have told one other person (an ex-girlfriend and still occasional lover - a very special friend) about the cd side of me, and spent a number of hours with her dressed. She appreciates the access to various body parts when I'm dressed in skirts, and the feel of our legs together when I'm in thigh-highs...

So, to your question - how far do I want to take this... It depends... With my friend, I've been to Victoria's Secret - me in drab - to get free panties, ostensibly for her. That was a crutch for me and I'm ready to get my own free panties and buy a bra as well. I'll probably do this in drab..

I will tell you that having an accepting friend of the opposite sex is a wonderful, liberating feeling, and that there is a real danger of losing perspective and going too far. You need to set limits with which you are comfortable (expecting these limits to evolve with time). You need to make sure he/she understands how this whole situation is affecting you (see Rhonda Jean's thread about his wife who was overwhelmed with his expressions of femininity [sorry about the gender conflict, Rhonda Jean. I wrote it this way to emphasize the dichotomy).

I think a committed relationship is all about compromise, and is endangered equally by those who cannot accept another's needs and those who cannot voiced their own.

Lee

Suzy Harrison

10-19-2007, 01:20 AM

I think no two people are the same. We all have different needs - and those needs may change. Even your view on the subject may change with time.

Angie G

10-19-2007, 01:44 AM

when I'm on nights I some times drive home dressed and I go out on Halloween but I would like more time out as Angie :hugs:
Angie

Sheri 4242

10-19-2007, 02:11 AM

A number of CDers seem quite content to dress only at home. Still others really want to get out and about. Personally, most of my dressing is at home, but that said, I have been out dressed quite a bit, and I think there is an unknown variable within this: the pure excitement, liberation, and validation that comes from the "rush" of going out dressed! My point: sometimes we "think" we are happy at a certain level or at a particular point, but then find an exhiliration in pushing the envelope which introduces (and, if continued, reinforces) new desires.

Your husband may be telling you the absolute truth about not going out (or only going out to meetings), but it is "his truth" as he knows things to be. He may go out once and decide he wants to do it again. He may go out a few times more, then find he doesn't like it. Some things are solid -- like he may know without doubt that he is heterosexual, or that he never wants to transition, or whatever. Other things may be growth-oriented or experience based. As far as going out, his commitment to you, and thus honoring you and your desires and boundaries has to play into this! Your own sense of comfort regarding him going out is also relevant -- just as relevant as your decision whether you'd go with him at any point in time.

LilSissyStevie

10-19-2007, 02:17 AM

Sure, why not. I've been doing this, on and off, for 45 years and I haven't had the desire to parade myself around town yet. Similarly, I've been a musician for 40 years but I've only given a few public performances. I guess some people just need the approval of others more than I do. I only desire the approval of God, myself and a few other people whose opinion I value.

As far as being happy goes, I'm pretty happy no matter what I'm doing. I enjoy dressing up like a girl just like I enjoy playing music, but I'd find a way to be happy even if I couldn't do either.

Raychel

10-19-2007, 05:56 AM

I would also say sure. I have been dressing for almost 40 years now. And although I am out to my wife, and I must say that she pretty much accepts me and my quirks. I really don't have any desire to go out or be out to the world.

I do wish that I was able to dress more at home, But with the kids still at home, that is not really possible.

Marla S

10-19-2007, 06:08 AM

Yes it is possible, but like others have said no two persons are the same. What works for the one doesn't have to work for the other.

Something that has to be borne in mind is the fact that exclusive home dressing is a complete artificial and forced way to deal with it.
Some will be able to adapt to this situation by weighting up advantages and disadvantages, some won't.

Anyway it remains an artificial situation and artificial situations are prone to be changed someday.

Claire3

10-19-2007, 07:05 AM

Ive been a cd for 25 years in the proverbial closet.Been to afew beaumont coffee evenings and an xmas do,all enjoyable,but within the confines of cds.If social attitudes were to change overnight i daresay claire would be the first to acknowlege her existence to the world.However,i cant see that it will,im a big scaredicat,so ill stay as i am,thankyou very much.A big well done for being so accepting and asking the question to us girls with a great many life years experience of your concerns.

rustynail

10-19-2007, 07:29 AM

Secret Sis

10-19-2007, 07:51 AM

Count me in with just about everyone else on this thread... I have been dressing in private for the last 40 years.. mostly lingerie but occasionally a skirt- and I have no interest in going out in public. The closest I've come to anything like that is wearing panties under my "male" clothes from time to time while running short errands during the day. Other than that, it's strictly an "at home" thing for me... no wigs, makeup or anything like that.. I'm happy just wearing the clothes when I can. My wife of 8 years doesn't know about this although I'm planning on telling her real soon, and I want her to know that it is my desire to be able to continue this at home only with nobody other than her knowing, and not in her presence unless she was comfortable with that.

Crissy Kay

10-19-2007, 08:54 AM

As a "closet dresser", myself, I have been pretty happy to just stay at home , dressing every so often. I have been dressing on and off for about ten years now, and been out a couple of times. In all that time, I still find that I have no desire to "pass", or be out in public. I guess it just means that we are all different, and find our own comfort level in time.

Karren H

10-19-2007, 10:18 AM

Didn't suit me.. For a little while but the urge to go out enfemme grew just as the urge to dress grew.. But then again I went out enfemme the first time in High School.. In the 60's.... Since I seriously got back into crossdressing 4 years a go.... It didn't take me too long (6 months) before setting around the house all gussied up just didn't do anything for me at all..

So now I typically always go out in public. And if you get a taste of the thrill of going out enfemme there's no putting the horse back in the barn!! Hehehe IMHO... .

kassandra richard

10-19-2007, 10:28 AM

At one point I was happy to stay at home -- although I was out one about 10 years ago to a Halloween party. But when I bought a nice wig in February, the desire to be out was pretty strong and has remained that way. That doesn't mean I'm interested in being really social (I'm not normally), I just prefer to hide in plain sight :)

So, I'm out and about when I can.

Kassandra

Kerrie Sifton

10-19-2007, 10:28 AM

Great question Tray. And as you can see by the responses, each of us is in a different state of dress and public outings.
It certainly depends upon ones comfort level and local acceptance.
I probably would be keen to go out if the places where i would go are friendly. And too it probably takes practice.
Thanks
Kerrie

nikki_t

10-19-2007, 10:35 AM

Like others have said, no two people are the same. I personally only want to dress to go out - not sit around the house. The only time I'll dress at home is specifically to take photos.

When I read threads like this one (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69160) it just makes me glow inside. :D

JoAnnDallas

10-19-2007, 10:59 AM

Up till 2005, I was very much in the closet. I have been a CDer since I was real young and I am now 60. Since then I have started going out in public, shopping, and even joined the local Tri-Ess group. Each of us are different and have or will have different needs. The only thing I can suggest to you is talk with your SO from time to time about this issue. Take it one day at a time and see where it goes.

Deborah Jane

10-19-2007, 12:33 PM

I,m a "stay at home" and have been all along!! Just recently i,ve been curious about being outside, but so far i,ve only been to end of the driveway. I,m not in a rush to go further, but probably will go out properly one day!

Tiffy

10-19-2007, 12:47 PM

We are all different for sure. But for me personally, my wife accpeting me and letting me dress at home is all I need. I do not wish to go out any place dressed. I do not intend to pass even. But I am 100% content to do so at home for the rest of my days. I would say for sure it can be dome happily if that is what you desire.

Tiffany

Wendy me

10-19-2007, 01:18 PM

the only thing you can be sure of is that there are no rules... not every one wants the same as their are many different types of dressers ..... some will want to go out all dressed and made up ... and some are comfy dressed to what ever degree that wish at home ....can this change ??? yes but that said it dose not mean it will .....

KimberlyS

10-19-2007, 02:19 PM

Like many other have said we are all different. I have chatted with many the seem very content to stay at home and do not ever see them self going out. I say two thumbs up for looking within to see who they were and what they wanted and what is right for them. Instead of trying to be some other CDer.

For me personally, when I got online and past the junk sites to some decent information, I found out I was not the only one like this and I was not the , xxxxx, xxxxx, xxxx, xxxx, bleeping, bleep, bleep, bleep person that I thought I was. It did not take me long to acquire as wig and some of what I needed to go out. Two nights before going out, on the way to the airport with limited time, I finished picking up some out of style, poor fitting clothes to wear and heels that were a size too small. And the night before my first time out I picked up some makeup for the first time. The night of I squeezed into the clothes, slapped on the makeup and went out. And I did not care that I looked like SHxT. It was the feeling of freedom letting a part of me out that had never been out the almost 40yrs of my life.

Now most of the time I am ok with just dressing more feminine at home when I can and an androgynous mix of clothes for every day. And my more feminine presentation gets out a few times a year, like every 2-4 months.

How each of us CD's is very individual to each of us. Listen to you hubby. And he better be telling you the truth.

Emily Ann Brown

10-19-2007, 02:25 PM

Hey Tray,

Been enjoying getting to know Lori and hope one day soon to meet you both in person.

From my conversations with Lori I am convinced she is telling you the truth as she knows it today. But as you wonder, and as other sisters have spoken, we are all different and some are evolving slowly. Where Lori will be in 10 years I have no clue....except I'm sure she'll be with you still if you let her.

I wasn't in the closet long before I wanted to experience being out in public. Took me some time to overcome the fear of the "what if's" before I ventured out, but I wanted to pretty early on. After one or two times out I realized I was very comfortable in female mode and really "needed" a female life. That is not to say I didn't maintain a male life as well. I did.

I'll agree with the sister who said keep an open communication going, so you are the first to know if Lori has any changes in desires or needs.

Emily Ann

charllote34

10-19-2007, 02:31 PM

Everybody is differant and what is good for one dosent follow for another

prettieboy

10-19-2007, 02:53 PM

PantyBoots

10-19-2007, 03:09 PM

I am happy only dressing at home. Of course, I only wear panties and boots and lingerie. I would like to have a more private home to go outside dressed up like that with just woods around and no neighbors, but I don't right now. If I did wear female clothes in public, however, it would probably be a top, either a skirt or jeans, and boots. I love boots. But I would rather find a babe dressed up like that then to be dressed up like that myself.

Sedona

10-19-2007, 03:47 PM

I'm very happy doing the home thing (did so this past week), and my girlfriend is cool with it. Still, I have gathered so many cool dresses, that'd be nice to go out for special events on occasion.

Cheers,

sterling12

10-19-2007, 03:51 PM

I think Sherri answered your question about as well as could be expected. I too, would have to tell you "Maybe." Your Hubby is not an inanimate object. People are always evolving and changing.

What was truth today, may be a different situation in the future. Ask yourself a simple question: "Are you changing as a human being, everyday in a lot of small ways?" OK, so why would you expect anything different from someone else?

Now, to answer what I believe is your real question. I'm involved with Tri-Ess, and it seems like the major question we get from wives and Girlfriends is: "Will he decide he really likes this, will he decide to become a woman and leave me and the kids?"

The answer is, "usually not." I can't lie about it, I have seen at least one extreme case where the person went from a lifetime of dressing up at home to SRS, within one year, once they got out and found they were "changing" into something more. But, for about 98% of the gurl's, and for a lot of reasons, they are content with the CD. So yes, your husband could, "move on down the road," but it's not likely!

Hope this answer helps. I can't give you absolute assurances.....but, you knew that already!

Peace and Love, Joanie

Jazzmine

10-19-2007, 03:52 PM

Everybody changes and grows over time and a CD is no different, thank goodness. Ongoing good communication with your SO will alert you to any changes he desires and hopefully he will keep you informed.
Other than that just enjoy his happiness that you undoubtedly bring him by accepting him as he is!
Hugs Jazzmine

Lisa Golightly

10-19-2007, 04:38 PM

I've met many stay at home kids and they are very content... Not everyone who partakes of wine is an alcoholic... *pulls guru-like face of knowledge*

Chloe Jean

10-19-2007, 04:41 PM

For a long time Being a stay at home lady was enough for me. Coming home slipping into something femmy and putting on makeup is so relaxing and fun. Lately the desire to go out en femme has been growing stronger - I mean a girl likes a certain amount of attention. I don't own a car so that makes going out to Cd clubs difficult.
Hugs
Chloe

Sasha Anne Meadows

10-19-2007, 05:01 PM

Many of us can be fulfilled living full time at home.

sami1952

10-19-2007, 05:07 PM

I tried being a home cder,but being the person that i am, i set my limits a little bit higher.I needed to prove to myself that if i was going to be a cder, i would have to be able to go out in pulbic and i have and i feel beteer about myself because i don't have to hide it anymore. Try it ,you might like it.

battybattybats

10-19-2007, 05:13 PM

Interesting question with an easy answer.

Yes.. for some but no for others.

There are other questions though.
Should a CD have to be happy with just dressing at home or is it ok for them to want or need to go out.

I'd say the answer would be that it should be ok for them to want to go out. There isn't anything intrinsically wrong with wanting to go out dressed is there? Sure there may be difficulties. Sure there may be the risk of being outed which should be taken into consideration but need that be prohibitive?

The next question then should be is there a reasonable and responsible way to do so.

I'd say sure, if the CD doesn't need or want to be 'out' as a CD but wants to CD in the world outside then they could compromise by traveling a reasonable distance away from home when they want to dress so they won't likely run into anyone that could recognise them. Certainly 'safe' places would also be a good idea.

Now what if the CD feels the need to march for CD rights?

That is quite important but if still closeted then it could be done away from their hometown.

I think it's likely that a good number of CDs would be perfectly happy only dressing at home for the rest of their lives. I also think that there are lots who wouldn't be,k who couldn't be. Plenty may change their minds in either direction over the course of their lives too, just like anyone else about anything else.

Importantly I think that their could always be found some compromise that will enable them to achieve the happiness they desire whether it's at home or in the outside world.

DonnaT

10-19-2007, 05:25 PM

I suggest taking him at his word, but not holding him to it. People change, sometimes, sometimes not. There are some things we honestly feel to be true, based on past and current experiences, but all is not written in granite.

For me, I always wanted to be out. As a kid, I would dress and go into the back yard. From there, I could not see the street, and had no idea if one of my four brothers, friends or parents would come home to find me dressed. The neighbors could easily see into the back yard, as well. I didn't care, I had to be out.

After I was first married, my wife gave me a wig and some makeup to see how well I looked fully enfemme. After seeing how good I looked, the first thing I asked her was if we could go to the mall so I could get my own things. Received a big "No way" in response, though.

There are only two things I can promise my wife about by CDing: 1) I will never cheat on her; and 2) I do not want a sex change.

Laura Jane

10-19-2007, 05:32 PM

my spouse has said that dressing at home and not going out (with the exception of maybe going to a meeting of other cders) would suit him forever - he has no desire to tell the family or dress 24/7 - but I'm just wondering how many others have said or been told these same things only to decide otherwise down the road (I mean it took almost 12 years for him to completely share this with me, so whose to say in another 12 years.....)

Tray,

We are each on our own journey's, some may be happy never to venture out others start out thinking they would never want to or dare to step outside, but soon it becomes an overwhelming desire.

I use to wonder how any CDer would venture out, to become the object of ridicule or worse, maybe they could even be recognised, what a nightmare. This was during the decade or so I had stopped. Since I started again, I felt the urge to venture out grow stronger and stronger. I don't feel that passable, but I have been out for a few nighttime walks. I sometimes have a fantasy about transitioning, but that is all it is.

In 12 years, many life changing events could happen, getting deeper into cross dressing is a possibility and not one you can predict for yourself. Perhaps you can get an insight based on your SO's personality, does he have an addictive personality, is he hooked on thrill seeking?

Carin's Wife GG

10-19-2007, 05:43 PM

I thought everything my CDer said at the beginning was *the truth* and it was for then. Things changed as the years went on. I of course felt *betrayed*. Now I know that he was telling me the truth as he saw it at that time. He didn't know that his own desires and wants would change.

As others have said Cding can be progessive. Don't end up feeling let down if things change for your husband. He can only speak the truth from that point in time not into the future.

Louise.

sissystephanie

10-19-2007, 06:00 PM

Forever is a very long time, and who knows what the future holds for any of us? So Lori may be right, at this point! But that may change in the future.

When I became engaged and told my fiance about my CD activities, she asked me if I went out in public dressed. I said no, because I did not do a good job with my wig or makeup. Her relpy was, "I can fix that." She did and the rest is history. Since she passed away, I still go out enfemme but as man. No wig and no makeup!

Sissy/Stephanie

More Girl than man sometimes

Ðarissa

10-19-2007, 06:00 PM

Personally I'm quite happy with my crossdressing and just keeping it at home, but I would like to go out sometime. Haven't done it yet and maybe never will. It's very hard to say one will and or will not do something. How many times have we all ended up doing stuff we never thought we would do? Quite a few years ago I never dreamed I would be building computers from scratch and now I've gotten pretty good at it. Back then, I would have said, 'no way' I could ever be able to put a computer together by myself, even when I first started using the dang things. I also never thought I would crossdress beyond lingerie but that changed. What lies ahead, I'm not sure but I can tell you I will never jump out of an airplane nekked, but hey maybe I will eat those words one day. ;)

Faith_G

10-19-2007, 06:35 PM

I'm mostly a homebody no matter what I'm wearing. I've gone for a drive after dark a few times, but it didn't do anything for me so I stay home and enjoy myself. :)

Tray

10-19-2007, 06:53 PM

I really enjoyed reading all the posts and the insight is REALLY APPRECIATED!!!! I know, as so many of you stated, that I can only take Lori for the current face value of what she is content with and am already trying to sike myself up for all possibilities. Like a few of you hit on, the question really stemmed from my own insecurities about Lori changing sooo much that I no longer fit into her life and I have expressed this to her and received words of assurance that that will never happen, but as also mentioned, the whole issue is about trust and basically how as the SO, one can perceive being kept in the dark about cd desires, like any other secret, as a form of betrayal. I completely agree that each person is different and all the varying responses drove that point home even more. Bottom line is that open communication is the only way to address this and any other issues. THANKS AGAIN SOO MUCH LADIES!!

Ðarissa

10-19-2007, 07:13 PM

I would like to say thanks to you Tray for posting on here with such an interesting question and it is good to read all the varied responses from such a great group of people. It's certainly good to learn how others think and feel about crossdressing and how it effects everybody.

Kathleen Ann Trees

10-19-2007, 07:31 PM

I believe that change is inevitable and comes in ways you don't see coming.

If your SO becomes more confident in her look, perhaps better make up, perhaps a better wig, maybe shoes that are comfortable to actually be in for a few hours, one's fear or concern about going out might dwindle. Did for me.

If I can get from a size 16 down to a more typical 8 or 10, I can see myself being more open to fitting in, and therefore freer to actually get out and about.

Good Luck,
Kathleen Ann

Sheri 4242

10-19-2007, 07:51 PM

Something that has to be borne in mind is the fact that exclusive home dressing is a complete artificial and forced way to deal with it.

Extremely interesting way to put it, Marla!!! Thought-provoking in and of itself!!!

I believe the crossdresser's official motto is, "All dressed up and no place to go!"

Minerva, I was thinking that same adage while reading all the posts. Maybe you should do a poll of how many have felt the truth of that saying. There have certainly been times when I couldn't go out that I have uttered that saying!

I thought everything my CDer said at the beginning was *the truth* and it was for then. Things changed as the years went on. I of course felt *betrayed*. Now I know that he was telling me the truth as he saw it at that time.

In part, exactly what I was trying to convey in a different way! This is a very valid point, but, that said, how many SOs don't recognize it as growth and/or their DH evolving, and then throw it back in their face ("you said you never wanted to go out, blah, blah, blah")?!!

We all are evolving, growing, and changing in small ways and some that aren't so small. Its the nature of having a mind and using it!!! As previously stated, your husband is probably telling you the absolute truth as he knows things to be!!!

RebeccaLynne

10-19-2007, 08:52 PM

I'm perfectly content to enjoy dressing within the walls of my residence. I've no compelling need to present, or "represent", to others. At 53 years of age, 48 actively crossdressing, my enjoyment for same has never wavered, nor have I felt the slightest need to "expand the envelope". I do what I do for the relaxing and contented peace of mind my personal expression of femininity brings to my life.
Tray, your hubby will find his comfort level, and wishes only for you to love and cherish him for for all of who he is. Follow your heart, and happiness for both of you will be your reward. The future is boundless, so set no boundaries. Love will prevail.

Casandra Carrington

10-19-2007, 09:55 PM

I never thought I'd get to the end ov this thread...I try to read every one of the post there are so many different thoughts..he may be telling the truth as he knows it...and as so many other girls say at home is all they need...others need the fresh air to bloom...in my case unless it's a special occasion a night out or a party otherwise I'm a blend of male/female ...but the special point I'd like to make is if you love eachother talk to eachother be supportive of eachothers needs remember what for better and for worse means but above all else love without restrictions to restrict someone of a desire will only make that person want it all the more...good luck with this

emmicd

10-20-2007, 12:43 AM

I only crossdress at home and i'm content. I don't do it often since i am married with child.

I would never impose this on anyone. It is my escape and secret. i believe most crossdressers are secretly committed to it and have no desire to be seen in the outside world.

My biggest nightmare would be to be seen by others dressed as a girl.

My secret would be gone and I would no longer desire dressing any more.

I am perfectly happy being secretly dressed and alone.

Good luck to you and your spouse.

emmi