Is it possible to be happy without telling SO

[Jillm]

I’ve been reading many posts that contain my wife doesn’t know or my wife can’t find out. All for different reasons. What I don’t understand is how can you be in a happy relationship without your wife knowing. Isn’t there a lot of guilt, keeping it from your wife. I’ve been married for 17 years but my wife knew all about me before we got married. I’m not trying to criticize anyone for not telling their wife, just trying to understand how you can be happy and guilt free by not telling. I realize (after reading many posts) that I’m lucky to have a supportive wife but we have a happy marriage. She knows everything and I have no guilt. I’ve always said and still say that the key to a successful marriage is commutation. I’m not asking why don’t you tell your wife, I’m sure the common response would be she’ll leave me, I’m asking, is it possible to be happy and guilt free by not telling. I’m interested in a gg’s take on this as well.
Jill

[Ruth]

Well, the short answer is no. I felt bad about hiding my CDing all the time I was doing so, and it felt really good to come out. I would say I am happier than ever before. But this is just me and others may have other experiences.
Ruth

[Katie Ellen]

If your urge to dress is once or twice a year, then maybe. I think if you took the time to find this site, then this is a big part of your life.

I say no.

[Angie G]

For years my wife did not know and it was hard and nerveracking now she as knownfor just over 2 years Ican derss 5 day a week @ home ans life is alot easier now that she knows ad is OK with it :hugs:
Angie

[MsJanessa]

it really depends on your individual situaton---some SOs would accept it with no reservations, others would have reservations and still others would be out the door---in your case I'm sure all of them would want to know why you didn't tell them 17 years ago---in which case "you got some 'splaining to do Lucy"---assuming you had not told her before you were married--which of course you did.

Its a hard call for you to make but ultimatly the descision is yours and yours alone. Many of the T-girls here will tell you to go ahead and tell her but remember they are not the ones who will have to pay alimony, child support, and give up half of all they own if things go south. And if you read the posts here many marraiges do go south after the CDing partners comes out to her wife---maybe not immeadiatly but eventually that seems to occurr---there are exceptions of course---so ultimatly its up to you. I think by far the easiest way to do it is to tell her early on in the relationship, before you are married and/or living togather---people who do that seem to have an easier time of it

[bridget thronton]

I think wives don't like to think their husbands keep secrets from them. Love seems to allow wives to accept most anything unusual about their husbands (as long as they have time to think about it and see that it does not harm then or their kids)

[Marla S]

Trust, it's all about trust.
How can you be happy, if you can't trust in each other ?

Why can't I tell ?
Is there anything that wasn't told ?

Seeds of doubt ... can't be healthy in the long run, maybe except if the relationship is based on more pragmatical things.

[Sally2005]

For me it has been for fear of not being able to explain to her what CDing is to me. It has taken many years and this web site has helped a lot, but I had to do some learning on my own. I've been planning to include her, but the time has never been good. The other part is about what do I want. I like being a guy when no dressed, so I'm not really ready for jokes or having women's clothing held up to me while out shopping etc etc.. The main concern is her inability to keep a secret. If I tell her, I want it to stay between us...I'm not ready for complications in the other social circles of my life. So, not guilty, just doing what's practical. For my own fantasies, I would love to tell her and do girls nights out. Its a work in progress.

[RylieCD]

I hid myself from my wife for about 3 years untill she discovered things for herself. Yes I wanted to tell her and be open and honest but I was scared and I thought I might have been protecting us by keeping my secret to myself. No I was not happy keeping this to myself because there was the constant fear that she would come home early and catch me or discover my stash, which she ended up finding with mixed thoughts.

[Lisa Golightly]

Well I was always upfront for good or ill... I'm rubbish at hiding things...

[Mitch23]

Out to my wife for about 6 months after 13 years of marriage. Feared the worst but she hasn't left yet. she hates it and i feel for her. I love her but by telling her i risked everything. It was the only way and i should have done it years ago. Had another very painful and emotional 'discussion' this afternoon - we were both in tears and did not come to any conclusion - but you have to go through the pain if your relationship is to mean anything

mitch

[jaina]

I’ve been reading many posts that contain my wife doesn’t know or my wife can’t find out. All for different reasons. What I don’t understand is how can you be in a happy relationship without your wife knowing. Isn’t there a lot of guilt, keeping it from your wife.

If you have to hide it, you're with the wrong person.

[Elizabeth Ann]

I've been thinking about this recurring topic lately and about my own marriage.

A lot of people on this forum seem to equate honesty in marriage with total disclosure, but the two are not the same. We have been married 33 years, and while I don't think either of us have lied to the other about the big things (maybe about taking the trash out, or bad traffic when getting home late), we do recognize each other's right to privacy. It's a great marriage, but we are two individuals with our own lives.

We can ask each other anything, but we are not automatically entitled to an answer. I suppose if she wanted to know something fervently enough, I would tell her anything she wanted to know, but there are some things she hasn't asked.

With the exception of an occasional pair of panties, I only started cross dressing in the last few years, she is aware of it, but doesn't really get involved. I'm okay with this, and don't really feel guilt about it.

Elizabeth

[Dee Talbot]

Before Barb had accepted her desire and need to crossdress, she spent many years thinking that her occasional "borrowing" of my lingerie was just a quirk. And a slightly embarrassing one at that (her words....not mine). Had her dressing never advanced beyond that, she could probably continued in the locked bathroom forever. She would have enjoyed her little secret, and I would have been none the wiser. No real harm done.

Had it never advanced beyond that is the key.

Once her desire to express her femme side more openly came to the forefront...with her acceptance that there was really nothing wrong with enjoying wearing women's clothing, disclosure was a necessity for us.

In other posts, we have discussed the inherent difference between what men and women view as honesty. Several of the members here have posted interesting and compelling reasons for this discrepancy. As an SO, I can say that my spouse hiding such a large part of his life, hiding the other woman so to speak, would have hurt me tremendously. I would have seen it as a lie of omission. I think that many SO's feel this way. I've said before, people in close relationships can pick up on subtle nuances that indicate when something is being hidden. As a co-addict to my sexual addicted crossdressing spouse :D I have turned seeking for the nuances into an extremely unhealthy obsession of my own. (Working on it. Doing better :o ) These hidden secrets can erode the fabric of a marriage.

Or, even worse.....let her find your stash on accident!!!! I think it is fairly common for SO's who find the hidden panties, clothes, perfume, jewelry, etc. to assume that these items belong to another woman. The fact that the other woman is in reality our beloved husband, is not the first place our minds and hearts take us. I wondered who the heavy smoking woman with the bad taste in makeup and clothes might be? (used clothes that smelled of smoke and (shudder) blue eye shadow :heehee:) Why on earth would I assume that my husband was the owner and wearer of these items?

In our relationship, full disclosure was necessary for BOTH of us. I recognize and feel real sadness for those who cannot be open with their SO's. I think that in some relationships, the happiness is maintained by a lack of disclosure.

So, what my long-winded, Barbara length post here is supposed to convey is:

Each of us as individuals and couples are really the only ones who can determine what is best for our relationships. For some, good decisions are made whether the decision is to disclose or not. Sometimes, bad decisions are made...disclosure which turns horribly wrong or non-disclosure which does more damage than honesty would have.

I admit, I am REMARKABLY grateful that Barb was the other woman. If my man was betraying me with some skank who wore ugly clothes and cheap makeup :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:

Much better to come to me and get some loving help :devil:

Dee

[ReginaGG]

I only knew about "Sara" when our relationship first started. We had known each other a year as friends. I knew there was some inner conflict and every time we went shopping there was such a great interest in women's lingerie! :winking: I never had a clue!! I know now that my SO would never have started a relationship with me if he didn't tell me he was a crossdresser.

I never had any type of experience with this lifestyle and did a lot of research before I could really understand what I was in for. So, knowing my SO and how he acted before he told me and now...I'd say he's much happier that he told me. He took the chance that I would walk away, but I didn't.

Living with a secret in a relationship is not healthy. While we were friends I told him everything about my life before him..the good, bad, & ugly. So, we are happier that all the secrets are out to each other. :hugs:
I don't think living with a secret that big is going to make anyone happy.
Just my opinion!
Regina

[MsJanessa]

I've been thinking about this recurring topic lately and about my own marriage.

A lot of people on this forum seem to equate honesty in marriage with total disclosure, but the two are not the same. We have been married 33 years, and while I don't think either of us have lied to the other about the big things (maybe about taking the trash out, or bad traffic when getting home late), we do recognize each other's right to privacy. It's a great marriage, but we are two individuals with our own lives.

We can ask each other anything, but we are not automatically entitled to an answer. I suppose if she wanted to know something fervently enough, I would tell her anything she wanted to know, but there are some things she hasn't asked.

With the exception of an occasional pair of panties, I only started cross dressing in the last few years, she is aware of it, but doesn't really get involved. I'm okay with this, and don't really feel guilt about it.

Elizabeth
I agree with you hon---Its too much Oprah----where couples are fed a line about revealing everything, and I do mean everything, to each other---it used to be enough to support, both emotionally and financially, remain sexually faithful, and be pleasent to your spouse but now, if the self appointed experts are to be believed, you now have to bear your chest to them and let them know your innermost thoughts and desires. Some marraiges can handle that but most tend to break up under the pressure.

If you have the kind of relationship or she is the kind of person who will accept and even embrace dressing, the fine by all means share it with her but if you think she would be unaccepting and condeming, even threatening to out you to others, then why would you want to tell her. This forum is full of stories both by TGs and GGs who are complaining about their husband's dressing or thier wife not accepting it. The key is how do you feel about it. If you are so unhappy that you have to come out then you do what you gotta do. If on the other hand you are satisfied with the status quo, why change it.

[danam]

For me it has been for fear of not being able to explain to her what CDing is to me. It has taken many years and this web site has helped a lot, but I had to do some learning on my own. I've been planning to include her, but the time has never been good. The other part is about what do I want. I like being a guy when no dressed, so I'm not really ready for jokes or having women's clothing held up to me while out shopping etc etc.. The main concern is her inability to keep a secret. If I tell her, I want it to stay between us...I'm not ready for complications in the other social circles of my life. So, not guilty, just doing what's practical. For my own fantasies, I would love to tell her and do girls nights out. Its a work in progress.

You rock!! There are others in similar situations (like me). I am coming to terms with my own desire to do this stuff...the fact that I'm still confronting this desire makes it really, really hard to share it with my wife. I also am sure that she won't want to participate, so it will be "my thing", and the fact that I'm still working through my personal issues makes it harder to share it with my SO. So, like Sally2005 said, it is a work in progress.

[Staci]

I don't think I could live with the secret. I can even feel me tense up if I have a new article of clothing I have not told her about or shown her. So there is no way I could have been happy if I had to try to keep this a secret. I dress 4 nights a week and sleep in nightgowns on those 4 nights as well. A guy can't ask for much more than that. She doesn't have to worry about me wanting to go out because it is not a desire of mine. I just like to look pretty by playing dress-up. Keeping the secret, I couldn't do it.

[Karren H]

I disagree with most on this subject and I always get a bunch of crapp for this but my answer is HELL YES you can be happy!!! I still wish my wife had never found out.... It's been a strain on our marriage from the minute she found out.... Yeah we have an agreement..... even though she has taken a don't ask don't tell attitude.... there's still an underlying current there.... I was happy before she found out and I would have still been happy if she had never found out...

Yet the truth will set you free ......... sometimes... free of your wife, free of your family.... free of your life........ unless you know the outcome will be a positive one, I do not recommend comming out just because "it's the right thing to do"!!! According to society not crossdressing is also the right thing to do..... pick one.... lol

Karren

[Casandra Carrington]

Even though my wife knew before we were married does not extract from the fact that it put a strain on our marriage and eventualy was the reason for our divorce so my experience was not a case that I hid anything from her....BUT...if...mine was the case of her not knowing before we married...I agree whole heartly with Karren...I would not have told...in fact...for all the great things that we did have in our marriage I believe I would have sacrificed Casandra all together if she didn't know from the moment we met...and as I look back...unfortunately hind sight is 20/20...but to know then what I know now when given the option to stop this o save our marriage I would have.....I should have.....I will never have that again.....

[Satrana]

I have turned seeking for the nuances into an extremely unhealthy obsession of my own. (Working on it. Doing better :o )

Very insightful comment Dee, an obsession which seems to occur in many other relationships. Love you for it!

I am reminded of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men saying "You can't handle the truth!" This is true of some relationships, sometimes the right thing to do is not to disclose especially if the crossdressing is more fetish driven than transgendered driven. In that case, it is like an embarrassing habit and not a core personality issue which needs to be revealed. If you picked your nose, are you really compelled to tell your partner?:eek:

[kirsti]

I would have to say that at the start is always the best.
Once a real relationship begins then it can end in disaster if they found out later on.
Of course most CD's are learning what their desires are in life,and are most often alone.
They may start out with sexual excitement,and then learn later on it may be a less prominant reason to dress.
It may just feel more natural for themselves.
Many feel the need to live happily as themselves and in order to do so may require them to be in femm 50% of their lives more or even much less,a few times a year.
It is an individual thing and it is not something that a girlfriend,or a wife could possibly understand unless they themselves have the same secret.
Yes there are understanding mates,but most are not.
I came out a few years after our first child durring Halloween which made it much easier to break the news to my wife,once she was able to see how meticulouse I was about making the switch,she was amazed at the differance,not of only appearance but having an oppourtunity to notice that this person she was now looking at wasn't just some guy in a skirt or dress,pretending to be a women,but was durring conversations it was much more open more so than could ever be done in the norm disguise.
But never the less the primary damage that did occurre and beleive me damage was done was the fact of her being somewhat jeolouse feeling a little threatened by her husbands feminity.
Luckily it did not interfer with our sexual relationship if anything it allowed it to progress much better,though she had a problem with us have sex while I was in fem.
So I dont,and for the most part I very seldom do dress any more.
The desire to do so is still there,but the children are a little older now,and being responsible I feel that I do not want to influence my children in any way,by having a possibility of them catching their Dad in makeup and dress.
If they have the same tendacies to dress later in life that will be their own choice.
I am active with purchasing clothing and lingerie and have quite a large wardrobe,most still have tags still attached because I have never worn them.
I know one day the children will be grown,and I may venture into the treasure chest and bring them out,but until then my recommendation is make yourself happy no matter what.
Sure there are loved ones involved hurt can come about,but for me to be fair to my wife and children,that bond of love I have for them is stronger than my desire,and I'm willing to sacrifice my wants for their needs,and at this point my spouse and children need a husband,and father,and I love them to be willing to put it all on hold so I can be happy being their Dad,and her husband.
There is no right or wrong answer,Rupert's paradox is what this is.

[Dayna]

is it possible to be happy and guilt free by not telling.
Jill

No.

[ErikaLeigh]

Well in my case (and I know there are others) I was young when I got married and thought "this will all go away when I get married" NOT!!! Although it didnt resurface for many years, it did resurface, and the older I get the more I wanted to dress. I held off telling my wife for fear of losing her, and after 14 years of marriage she found out. She doesnt like the fact that I CD, but isnt about to end the marriage because of it. But for many others their wives will just up and leave, some right away, and some over time. I was happy before she knew, but I am happier since she found out because I dont have any secrets anymore. But I can also see Karen Huttons point, if I were in her shoes :D I would probably feel the same way.

[Mitch23]

Your story exactly mirrors mine Erika. like yours, my wife doesn't want to end the relationship nor do I. but it can be a heck of a strain and I hate the heap of poo I've dropped on her. but no i don't regret coming out - just wished i'd done it sooner

mitch

[Brenda's Friend]

I let my SO know early on, but she did not like or understand it. "So, you get a thrill putting on make-up?" She believes that at that time it stopped for me. And the physical act did for many years, but always there was that urge in the background, sometimes strong, sometimes not there at all. Last year I was able to aquire some used make-up, and so when I was on a business trip, I would do up my face. I wanted to stop. I forced myself to put it on even when I did not want to. Then I purged, and had no desire until the spring of this year. Now I am really going into it.

So, do I again let my SO know? Right now is not the time, she had a very tough year emotionally, and this would just tear her apart. Wow, maybe her problems has surfaced in me in a renewed desire to dress. Hadn't thought of that before.

Anyways, each situation is different. There is no set answer. I wish I could be totaly upfront with my wife, maybe I can in the future.

BF

[Kayletta Jade]

I've been involved in my SO's CDing since day 1. There were no big secrets for me to find out.

Had I been in a serious relationship and found out after years that something current and ongoing was being hidden from me... well that would have caused a big problem. Alot of women are all about trust. Having something hidden from you makes you feel untrustworthy which is something no one really likes to feel. Most people in serious relationship also believe they know the person they are with and would notice them hiding something. So by having something like CDing hidden from you, you experience the feeling of being untrustworthy, the idea that you may not really know this person at all and you would wonder.. how could I miss something like this?

It makes the issue seem far worse than what it should be. But this doesn't just apply to CDing. Alot of secrets can produce this same effect.

[Bridget Fitzgerald]

Well I wish I hadn't told but you can't undo that

[JulieC]

I see various replies here and see various people. Each has their own answer, what works for them. For my part, I want to say the following:

I see some people saying if they had to do it over again, they would not have told because their spouses or ex-spouses were not accepting. Personally, if a spouse was not accepting I'd seriously question her ability to be open minded about anything, not just crossdressing. Hate homosexuality too? People of color? People with strange diseases? Where would you like to stop your hatred and draw a line in the sand that says "I'll stop hating here, and people within this sphere are ok, and outside they're not"

That might seem overly simplistic, but the reality is acceptance is acceptance. All of us are human. I don't want a hate filled wife. I think there's a huge swath of other problems that are caused by this.

Yes, there's negatives to crossdressing for most spouses. Of course there are. Nobody is perfect. You have to decide for yourself what is acceptable and not, but the negatives of appropriately handled crossdressing are very, very minimal.

If i had to do it all over again, I'd do it like i have. I told my now wife before we married. For all I know, she might divorce me 5, 10, 20 years from now because of it. I've told her as much as I understand; I don't want to physically be a woman, I just need and enjoy dressing as a woman. I don't know exactly where this is going, not sure that I need to know, but that I will keep her informed in open discussion with her. Yes, I'll accept limits, but the limits shouldn't be set in stone; they should be allowed to evolve, ebb and flow as times change. I'm not in the business of predicting the future. All I can do is work with the here and now, and work every day on our marriage.

If I'd gotten married when I was 20 or 25, I would not have told. I would have not had the courage to tell. When I did get married, I did have the courage. That also helped me to decide that yes, I really was mature enough to get married and become a father too. Yes, I was scared in telling her but I was not going to go through life living a lie. if my wife left me tomorrow, the next person I got serious about would be told. If she ran for the hills, good riddance. Yes, that means I have a greater chance of being lonely. The chance of being lonely is a consequence of me having this need to crossdress, not a consequence of me actively deciding not to live a lie.

I don't believe the need to crossdress is a choice. I believe we are born with it, and it does not go away for the vast majority of us. It might ebb and flow at times. There's a lot of research going on now with regards to transgender issues. But, specifically with regards to people who desire to crossdress, there's virtually no activity. Science doesn't care about us yet. In due course they will; it took Kinsey to shatter some boundaries, there will be another Kinsey in the future to shatter more. In the meantime, I see nothing that does anything to make me even slightly believe this is a choice. This is part of me. I refuse to live my life hiding me from my wife. I simply refuse to do it.

Now, if I'd been immature enough, courageless enough, stupid enough not to tell her before we married and before we had kids...yeah I'd probably keep it hidden. The kids are innocent victims. As soon as the kids were out on their own though, I'd tell her.

Each of us has to make their own decisions, and what works for them. For my part, not telling my wife before we were married would be like not informing her if I was infertile, or suffering from cancer, or something else major. I just couldn't fathom not telling her.

[Lucypink]

I am happy and yes some times worries me thought of her discovering me and some times I would love to tell her and that she accepts my CD, but in reality this is too risky for booth at the moment. You see, all relations are diferent and you can not say that a general rule applies to everyone. So yes I am Happy and if I see a posibility or a signal that she will take my CD in a positive manner, then I will tell her.
By other hand, being new to this forum makes me realice that there are many SO that accept CD, before this, I thought it was almost impossible for some one to accept it. at least all this talk has me thinking of how and when to come out on her and If this happends all of you will Know....

[Katie Lynn cd]

I wanted to tell my SO. I hinted at it in various ways, mostly about lingerie, but she never got the clue. Then it finally happened. She came home when I was dressed and there was no where to hide. I do believe it was a lie by omission. I never told because I always feared the worst, that she would leave. To this day she does not understand, doesn't seem to want to understand, never participates, seldom talks about it. She knows, but doesn't want any details. I tried for the longest time to explain my feelings, why I was attracted to women's clothes, why I needed to crossdress. I printed articles off the Internet about crossdressing...anything that I could. It only made her more upset. I couldn't tell the last time we talked. It makes me sad sometimes that she it not accepting, but life goes on. I honestly believe that she would never have married me if I had told her. That would have been great...SO WHY DID YOU CALL OFF THE WEDDING? OH, HE IS A CROSSDRESSER! Thats why I never told.

[JulieC]

That would have been great...SO WHY DID YOU CALL OFF THE WEDDING? OH, HE IS A CROSSDRESSER! Thats why I never told.

Alternatively,

"Why did you not call off the wedding?"

"I was more willing to live in the closet and fear of my wife finding out for all of my life than to have the courage to tell the person I love about something so important and fundamental to me"

Not being critical, just observing a different view. I soooo hope there comes a day when all crossdressers tell their spouses to be BEFORE they get married.

[christina marie]

for my personal experience, no. i hid my obsession from my wife for 4 years, and am still doing damage control. luckily for me, she is a very understanding woman, and very much in love with her hubby. she wants no part of it,but just loves it when she gets her regular mani-pedi's, just like a good wife deserves. guess its not all bad huh?

[Sarah R]

If you know that this (CDing) is going to be part of your life or even susspect that it might. You have to tell her NOW. If not you will be livving a lie. What is a relationship if you can not be yourself or be honest? If she can't accept it ,then you are with the wrong person. It's better to find out sooner than later. Don't waste anymore of yours or her time on something that in the long run will not work or will not be satifying.:2c:

[Jazzmine]

Most of the threads here that advocate "coming out to your wife before marriage" assume that you, the CD, know and understand exactly what you are.
There are many of us here who have only really accepted ourselves as a "CD" since discovering that we are not alone. I know I have denied my personal feelings for the most part of my life. Why? Because I had no idea what I was dealing with - I convinced myself it was a sexual fetish that I used when I got the urge to do so. I saw it as embarrassing, certainly not to be shared with anyone! It was personal - could see no reason to involve anyone else!

It is only since I found forums such as CD.com that I realised the full significance of my urges. That in itself has been a revelation and of extreme comfort to me. But I am married with young children and my wife does not know what I know. But how to tell her now that I have only recently figured it out for myself?

Like Karren, I have fun just by myself. I really do not need the participation of my wife. And really I don't think her life will be enhanced by knowing. Do I want to tell her? Yes, just so there are no surprises for her.Yes, because I may have a better CD experience if she participates (a bit selfish of me!). No, because I feel it is very personal to me and I am happy personally knowing it's OK to be feminine in my own time. Telling others in my immediate vicinity will not enhance my CD experience, it can only make it some monster I cannot control.

So there are reasons for and against. I love my life just the way it is. Why invite ridicule and the possiblity of losing everything? Give me a good reason to risk my happiness and my life and I'll listen up!
Hugs Jazzmine

[Miss Vicki]

YES! you can be happy without telling your SO. I told mine 30 years ago and she did not nor does not want any part of it. Luckily, she has not searched for my stash, or asked me if I still have a desire.
I think that I would be "happier" if she accepted and aided my transformation. But that is asking a little too much. Maybe my next relationship.

[dee-liscious]

It is clear it is different for all of us. What I cannot agree with is "if she doesnt understand, you are with the wrong partner". Because our partners do not understand doesnt mean they are biggoted or narrow minded. I choose not to tell my partner for the sake of my marriage and family. Yes she may accept and support but for most of us it is a risk we cannot take. When you live with your partner for many years you instinctivly know how they will react. Can we be happy? To a degree we can. I wish my partner knew and made no big deal but it is societies fault for not being more liberal and accepting. We cannot help our feelings and desire to dress. But for most the potential risk of losing our families/friends respect is too big a gamble to take. I love my family greatly so choose to keep it secret. Still hasnt answered your question but we can be happy.....to a degree!

[jaina]

It is clear it is different for all of us. What I cannot agree with is "if she doesnt understand, you are with the wrong partner". Because our partners do not understand doesnt mean they are biggoted or narrow minded.


Thats exactly what it means, no need to sugar coat it



I choose not to tell my partner for the sake of my marriage and family. Yes she may accept and support but for most of us it is a risk we cannot take. When you live with your partner for many years you instinctivly know how they will react. Can we be happy? To a degree we can. I wish my partner knew and made no big deal but it is societies fault for not being more liberal and accepting. We cannot help our feelings and desire to dress. But for most the potential risk of losing our families/friends respect is too big a gamble to take. I love my family greatly so choose to keep it secret. Still hasnt answered your question but we can be happy.....to a degree!

It is obvious that you can be happy living like that but you can't blame society for her predudices. Every member of soceity is personally responsible for their actions.Mobs have done horrible things with society's blessing. That blessing doesn't absolve the members from their individual choices and actions.

[confused99]

Jazzmine, your words sound like me talking!

For quite a lot of my life (before I was married), I've had these 'urges' but I've tried to push them down deep inside of me, not really understanding them, and thinking that I was a freak. It's really only been in the last year that I've realised I'm not alone, and that in fact it is a part of me that I enjoy; and shouldn't be guilty about it.

I understand everybody here who's taken the plunge, I've tried to, but the reaction in the first few minutes of the conversation scared me off telling the whole truth (I said I just like the underwear). Her funny comment was "Oh my god, your not trying to tell me your a crossdresser are you? I'll be on Jerry Springer next week...". To be honest, I was supprised she even knew the term, but more annoyed that I backed out, rather than take that last step and say "YES, I'M A CROSSDRESSER!" (I still can't say that out loud to myself even now!).

So the answer is, yes I think you can be happy, although it slowly starts to pull you apart, especially when it goes from a few panties, to shoes, skirts, etc. I sometimes feel like I'm in a spy novel, the lengths I go to to keep the secret.

For me, I wish I hadn't told, at least not yet, I'm just not prepared for the questions, I'm still trying to understand this myself. Telling her at this stage has just complicated matters, she's now more likely to pick up on small details which previously she would have ignored.

[JenniferR771]

Jazzmiane and Confused--I am with you.
I didn't know I was a crossdresser when I got married. I thought it was a habbit and fantasy I used during self-satisfaction. I thought that married life would cure me. That I would forget all about it when i had a real-live woman in bed with me. It was about 20 years later when I first called myself a crossdresser after finding literature at an adult bookstore.

I tried to tell wife I wanted to wear a dress for Halloween --but she reacted so negative--("You better not tell me you are a crossdresser!") I told her I was just joking. Didn't say a word until a month before our marriage recommitment ceremony (25th year), when she discovered me wearing her clothes. The ceremony was a little tense.

[Stephanie Anne]

Why hide it? It is either who you are or not. You are hiding yourself from the one you love. How would you respond if your wife did things behind your back?

I do not buy the "arrangement" argument. It seems to me that these types of agreements lead to resentment. Good bad or ugly, your most trusted friend and lovers deserves to know.

I only say this because After being married,divorced, then living with a girlfriend for 5 years, I can say that I could not hide what I did for long. When you are close and intimate with another person, your doing nothing but building a wall that will create nothing but problems.

I'm no shining light on this since I have not dated in years because I don't want to deal with the possibility of rejection from having to admit to someone I am a woman with a man's anatomy.

[Rita B]

No!