Being judged by others and how it affects us

[Lovely Rita]

Lately, I have been thinking how the judgement of others has been an influential factor in my life.

Fear of Judgement was the main proponent for years for living in the closet as a CD. Really stunk and wasted many many years of my life.

Today, I am doing what I can to undo the deleterious affects of this kind of self imposed pressure. Thankfully, at home I dress at will and have a very supportive SO, but this was not always the case.

I contemplate what the fear of judging does to us. It can make us live a lie, especially when we overcompensate for who we really are. It can turn us into hypocrits denying and hiding our true natures.

I am not advocating that everyone or anyone for that matter come out and tell the world about their crossdressing. I am merely stating some of the bad effects I have suffered from not being open about who I am.

I am the weakest of the weakest when it comes to this and it is just healthy for me to share this particular struggle with others who may be experiencing the same. I read many inspiring threads here posted by those far more courageous than myself.

One thing though, the fear of being judged lessens with every passing day. I do not care as much anymore about how others see me but how I see myself.

I do my best not to judge others who are different from me today.

Honestly, I am working more and more on just being me. If that is acceptable or not in the eyes of others including other crossdressers it means nothing to me. I believe I am on a much healthier road.

"To thine own self be true":D

[NatashaCD]

That post was very inspiring to me it made me open up my eyes alot more i have a very supportive SO that treats me well but i do get depressed when i fear about people judging me im currently peeping out of the closet with help from my SO and post like this help me even more thank you Rita.

[Lovely Rita]

That post was very inspiring to me it made me open up my eyes alot more i have a very supportive SO that treats me well but i do get depressed when i fear about people judging me im currently peeping out of the closet with help from my SO and post like this help me even more thank you Rita.

Mutual and loving support. The kind we cannot get elsewhere because no one else really understands us and what we are going through. The challenges we alone have to deal with.

It should be everyone's aim, here, to support and nurture our fellow CD sisters. We definitely are not alone, even if it feels we are. Yes, our personal battles have to be faced alone, but we do not have to feel alone if we all rally to each others side.:love:

[kerrianna]

:hugs::love:

I couldn't agree more Rita. :happy:


I've lived (well if you could call it living) my whole life fearing judgement from others.

I finally decided I needed to quit doing that...and guess what? I found that when I stopped fearing others judging me...I felt no need, or right, to judge them. I am much happier.

It's a pretty simple equation, really. Sometimes they seem to be the hardest ones to answer.

[My Lady Marsea]

There is one judement factor I have learned since coming out and going 24/7 at this point. As I was first coming out and taking baby steps I got sooo much encouragement from "friends" who saw how happy I was and where I was going. BUT..it seems they had their "own level" of happiness for me to achieve then judged me as "uncomfortable to be around" once I reached that level but went above & beyound in my happiness & love of myself for the first time in my life. After being out & around for about 7 months now I do not accept judgements but only those old or new I meet that accept me for being ME.. I don't need or ask to be judged as I will not do to others. I am lovin' every minute of being me.:D

[Deborah Jane]

Mutual and loving support. The kind we cannot get elsewhere because no one else really understands us and what we are going through. The challenges we alone have to deal with.

It should be everyone's aim, here, to support and nurture our fellow CD sisters. We definitely are not alone, even if it feels we are. Yes, our personal battles have to be faced alone, but we do not have to feel alone if we all rally to each others side.:love:

Thank you Rita..I often come here after a bad day just so that i can feel i,m among friends who understand. I feel closer here mentaly than to most of the the friends i have "off site"..Thanks for being here:hugs::love:

[Joy Carter]

This is very important to mention for us girls who are in fear Rita, is that "The only thing we have to fear, is fear it's self."

We all get carried away with what others might say or think. That we might not pass (seen my pic ?). Or we might offend someone.
It's all in how we perceive our selves, and nothing to do with the others.
We need to put our best foot forward and hold our head up and flash a smile.
Doing so will disarm the majority and the rest be damned.

[Lovely Rita]

:hugs::love:

I couldn't agree more Rita. :happy:


I've lived (well if you could call it living) my whole life fearing judgement from others.

I finally decided I needed to quit doing that...and guess what? I found that when I stopped fearing others judging me...I felt no need, or right, to judge them. I am much happier.

It's a pretty simple equation, really. Sometimes they seem to be the hardest ones to answer.

You brought up something absolutely insightful and amazing. Is'nt it interesting how judging or the fear of it also can influence us to be judgemental.

Like you I am out of the judging game, and in to the learing how to love game. Don't think you can judge someone and also love them. Don't mean we cannot evalutate things and give insight, I mean write someone off because they do not fit our idea of things.:hugs:

Wonderful post and glad to hear from you. Also it does take a leap in the right direction no? Does not come natural for many.:hugs:

[Carla Maria]

Rita, I have found as I've gotten older and hopefully wiser that the judgement of others in not nearly as important as I once thought. Wish I could have wished up sooner!!

[Kate Simmons]

Been there, done that Rita. I'm finished with it and as Sal am impervious to it. The old "pointing a finger and three pointing back at you." scenerio. Anyway, it's a waste of energy and I have better things to do nowadays, places to go and friends to see. Much easier just ignoring it anyway.:happy:

[Daintre]

I don't know if this is relevant, but early on my confidence in myself was reduced to a very low level, to my ex, I was a pervert, at the time, before the internet, libraries were popular, all I could read there was yes, crossdressing was a deviant behavior....confidence in myself = 0.

I went to a psychiatrist for a good long time, we or should I say she tried very hard to repair the hate I had for myself, build up my confidence. She asked if she could present my case to an educational lecture. We did this twice, the second time out of 30 people 29 were impressed with me and my attitude but one was sickened by my dressing.....I focused on the one and everything we accomplished was gone.

Today I live alone, I will never venture out again dressed...confidence level...very low.

[Marla S]

Gosh Rita. Where do you take it from ?

I just started to write one of my "typical" posts, but then ...

I think some posts are best left as they are ...

Read, read again and let their power and positive vibes take effect.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts:love:

[Suzy Harrison]

This is such a good post of yours Rita.

We all live in fear to a certain degree of how others (who do not understand) will see us.

In fact they can only judge us if we allow them to.

At they end of the day they have no right to judge our lives at all. It's our life, not theirs. They don't have the right to interfere.


:hugs: Suzy

[Lovely Rita]

Gosh Rita. Where do you take it from ?

I just started to write one of my "typical" posts, but then ...

I think some posts are best left as they are ...

Read, read again and let their power and positive vibes take effect.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts:love:

I appreciate your wonderful warm and kind response. I am just trying to be me and express the demons I deal with, in the hopes that others can relate and perhaps experience mutual support.:love:


thanks again

[Kristen Kelly]

Rita is right about fear of judgment, this is a chance to meet your fears. With Halloween here, all the closeted girls, step out that back door go to a party, see what is is to be out with us, around friends, there are many TG friendly parties out there. Those Jersey girls can contact me KristenKelly77@hotmail.com or IM me at KristenKelly77 on Yahoo to find out where we will be Tue 10/30 and Wed 10/31.

I did this 2 years back and changed my life only for the better, you won't know why you waited so long

Dressing at home with the support of a SO to an extent is still closeted, not that it's wrong, everyone does not want to go out, but if you do and are fearful now the time a World wide get out and be seen Halloween

[melissacd]

We are social animals and define ourselves in terms of our relationships to others. Because we are social animals we have to fit within some social paradigm or it does not work. The problem for many of us is that through years of deceiving ourselves we have placed ourselves into social circles that may not be very accepting of who we are. That means that once we are honest with ourselves and then honest with those around us who are part of that circle, we run the risk of rejection by some if not most of that circle.

Some of us are lucky enough to have a circle that is by and large accepting of us regardless, however, I believe that many of us do not have such a circle and so by revealing this side of ourselves run the risk of having to replace the circle with a new one. This is a painful process and a test of how important being true to ourselves really is.

I have found that I am happier as I move more into my femme zone and while it is creating lots of problems right now I know that in the end, when I am past this stage, I will be much happier. My desire to move into a state of joy in my life is greater than the fear of rejection and judgment.

At some point, in order to reach peace with all of this, we have to fish or cut bait. I choose to fish. The judgments of others, especially of the general public, have become less relevant with each passing day.

Huggs
Melissa

[Katie Ashe]

Being judged by others affects me in a neg way. They don't know me nor even know what "Transgender" means. Instant outcast, and being called freak. The resentment of judging a book by it's cover, and people preach the bible, but never follow it. The teasing and bulling of kids in school, and haveing to conform to the "A" class kids is crap. Our US government support abuse towards the Rainbow communitity, and how the Insurance companies don't have to cover us, simply because they don't want too.

I'm not focusing on the pos stuff, cause, the neg is much more in our face. If we stop judgeing others and give them a chance, it might not kill them...

[docrobbysherry]

We are social animals and define ourselves in terms of our relationships to others. Because we are social animals we have to fit within some social paradigm or it does not work. The problem for many of us is that through years of deceiving ourselves we have placed ourselves into social circles that may not be very accepting of who we are. That means that once we are honest with ourselves and then honest with those around us who are part of that circle, we run the risk of rejection by some if not most of that circle.

Some of us are lucky enough to have a circle that is by and large accepting of us regardless, however, I believe that many of us do not have such a circle and so by revealing this side of ourselves run the risk of having to replace the circle with a new one. This is a painful process and a test of how important being true to ourselves really is.

Huggs
Melissa


Well said Melissa. Something else comes to mind. The " I don't give a darn what anyone else thinks" attitude. When we r young, I believe everyone cares about how others see them. Because we r not yet to a place in our lives where we have some idea of who we r. As we get older, we develope confidence in who and what we r. Father, husband, top saleman, teacher, foreman, etc. With that, comes a feeling of, " This is who I am, if u don't like it, too bad". Is it possible men develope this attitude easier, and sooner than females? Society has always put some emphasis on females being attractive to males as a part of their self worth. More so than males. I know that is changing. However, my point is this: shouldn't it be easier for men to go out dressed, and NOT worrying what others think? Maybe those of us who r the more afraid, r the more feminine of us. Or else they just have more to lose. Oh well, just a thought.
RS

myspace.com/robertsherry

[Shelly Preston]

Being judged by others is a fact of life

Its the negative attitudes by some people and the fear or the adverse reactions by those who do not make up their own minds

Some just listen to an press and media which use crossdressing to make headlines without a thought for this community

Despite changes in some areas with Diversity policies in some companies it is going to take a long time to change attitudes

This leaves most of us stuck in a closet with little opportunity to get out :(

I only wish some would try to understand and not just judge before knowing the people involved

[Marla S]

Great post Minerva. Something to think about, because there is a lot of truth in it.

[susie evans]

RITA
thank's for shareing some more wisdome i allways enjoy what you have to say you put into words what so many of us have gone throught and many others will go through think in my case i had to stop judgeing my self so harshly first before i could learn to accept every one else and be loving and careing instead of being judgemental

:love:...susie

[Victoria Anne]

Rita as always your posts give a person pause for thought. This is not a wowe is me thought so bear with me. I am 47 , all my friends have passed away , I literally have now friends , save for my wife who is my dearest friend . My job does not allow for time at home to mke friends so I find myself or rather did find myself always fearing what others think , this needless to say had great effect on my self esteem . As I have grown older and I hope a bit wiser I have come to realize that I am only cheating myself out of life with this fear . I now am moving on and stepping out more as myself , I am no longer jumping for cover when I am dressed out here on the road and do you knw what I have found ? I am happier and my self esteeem is greatly improved , life in generall is much better and with the encouragement of my wife will continue to grow and please evryone know that all of you have in no small way been a big and wonderful part of my growth , thank yopu all and thank you for this post Rita.

[Victoria Anne]

I perhaps need to say something else here , I said " I have no friends" I mean no friends left to see and do things with , I do have the friends I have made here and this is what I am greatful for , I hope I did not offend anyone as I have said many times before this place , this is a second family for me and one I respect and come to for advice. Soory Rita If this sounds like I'm trying hi-jack the thread , thank you for the post.

[Angie G]

I try not to judge other I know I'm not perfict and I don't think others should be :hugs:
Angie

[Satrana]

Many people "get it" when they are older and become eccentric and stop believing that the views of others are important or relevant to their own happiness.

Others can contribute or detract but ultimately I control my own destiny and happiness. I am not an island, I need others, but I don't need their prejudices. Those who claim a right to hold prejudices are claiming a right to emotionally hurt others. This is flat out wrong no matter how they wish to present their case and why they choose not to better themselves by overcoming their prejudices dumbfounds me.

Like other eccentric people I choose not to live in judgment of others except in the arena of work where alas you need to earn a living. I follow the most basic rule of social living - Do not do untoward others that you would not wish to have done toward yourself. I do not harm others and expect the same in return.

It is a shame that this wisdom tends to arrive later in life. We are all conditioned during our upbringing to believe in the importance of the judgement of others and it can be a devastating means of control that is invariably used maliciously.

[Lovely Rita]

This is such a good post of yours Rita.

We all live in fear to a certain degree of how others (who do not understand) will see us.

In fact they can only judge us if we allow them to.

At they end of the day they have no right to judge our lives at all. It's our life, not theirs. They don't have the right to interfere.


:hugs: Suzy

Society has decided what the mores and taboos are and absolutely no one fits the pre-requisite of NORMAL and so I care nothing about how others see us. As long as my life does not impede the lives of others it is totally my business. Most people tow the line for fear of judgment but I aspire to the sayings of my favorite person who said, "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

Always great hearing from you Suzy:hugs: