Request for advice from the wiser...

[nibel]

I don't think many of you will recognize me since my posts are kinda rare... my last appearance here was about 9 months ago. So many things happened in this time, the most important one was that I found a girl I see as the love of my life. By the time she accepted to be my girlfriend my first impulse was to purge everything I had, cancelled pending orders and lost a lot of money too... anyway, that was a radical measure to eliminate the traces of CD in my life. And I thought, even after all those warnings I've read here in so many posts, that once I found her I was rid of it forever.

But since I'm here again I guess I was wrong again... now I'm seeking for advice... after 9 months of relationship, should I tell her about CD?

[]'s

nibel

[Brianna Lovely]

Tell her the truth. You can't have a good relationship, based on a lie.

[celeste26]

There are so many who have tried the "hide and seek" method and experienced so much pain and anguish because of it.

If this person really is the "love of your life" then she will understand. If not then its best to know now and get over it til you can find someone who really is the love of your life.

[LoriNC]

Hi Nibel

Yes tell her,it has helped me & my wife wish I had done this 10 years ago. It may help or hurt that relationship but you will be being true to yourself & her and that is a very big rareity these days. :hugs: The very best of love & happnies which ever way you go.

Lori

[Di]

I always find threads on should one come out to a gf a bit hard to post to...because giving someone advice on another person who we do not know is hard...BUT my feelings are...it is part of you...it will not go away.......and I would not want to find out years down the line.....the not knowing would be a total betrayal to me....but this is me....I do not know your g/f.



If you decide to tell her

. Keep all things about it upbeat, positive, how it helps you deal with stress, or how it has helped you see things a different way, how it is part of you.....that you are the same person she fell in love with.. Make it positive ... "I really want you to know all of me, I want you to be a complete part of my life". I know you trust me with everything, now it is time for me to show you how much I trust you. Women can sense uneasiness, if they sense that you are uncomfortable, she will feel that discomfort and make it her own. If you expect this to work out well..it will...plan what you will say....plan the time when you can be alone.....
Whatever you decide best wishes!!

[Marla S]

Tell her the truth. You can't have a good relationship, based on a lie.
ditto

and welcome back.

[sissystephanie]

Yes, do tell her! Be completely honest about it. It may cost you the relationship, but it will be better for both of you. A really good relationship should not start off with a lie by either party.:2c:

Sissy/Stephanie

More Girl than man sometimes

[Sandra]

If you don't tell her now and she finds out next week, 6 months down the line chances are she will find it very hard to trust you, and if she is the love of your life she deserves to be told the truth.

Good luck :)

[Ðarissa]

Like the others said, I think you should tell her. If you do tell her then I hope it all turns out ok in the end.

Welcome back, by the way. :hugs:

[Donna Marie]

I'm with the others here - I think you have to be honest. But give her some space to think about it.

[MJ]

[QUOTE=Di;1053800]I always find threads on should one come out to a gf a bit hard to post to...because giving someone advice on another person who we do not know is hard...BUT my feelings are...it is part of you...it will not go away.......and I would not want to find out years down the line.....the not knowing would be a total betrayal to me....but this is me....I do not know your g/f.

Di is right you should tell her


Sandra :-
If you don't tell her now and she finds out next week, 6 months down the line chances are she will find it very hard to trust you, and if she is the love of your life she deserves to be told the truth.

and there you have it from two wonderful gg .. you must tell her

Nibel
i guess you found out the hard way this wont ever go away you have to live with this and therefor you must tell her

[nibel]

Thank you for your replies... I am really thinking about doing that but it's not so easy... I did not mention all the information in the first post because she happen to come home and interrupted me. It's hard to tell her because she is kinda emotionally unstable right now... many things are happening to her in a bad sense, like a discovery of a chronic disease and many other stressful events. Now, when she has a crises she usually says that she feels alone because bad things only happens to her... I try to bond with her saying her problems are mine too and we should face it together...

Now, my confusion is, if I tell her now, it will be one more problem in her pool of problems, or maybe it's a chance that she will see me as a person who have his conflicts too and because of that see me as more "human" and more close to her. I don't want to cause her a total breakdown, but she knows there is part of my soul I'm hiding from her and that may be the reason why she feels alone sometimes...

Also, I fear that if she reacts the bad way, she could spread the information around... In resume, I'm having trouble seeing the win/win situation.

[]'s

nibel

[Stephenie S]

I don't think many of you will recognize me since my posts are kinda rare... my last appearance here was about 9 months ago. So many things happened in this time, the most important one was that I found a girl I see as the love of my life. By the time she accepted to be my girlfriend my first impulse was to purge everything I had, cancelled pending orders and lost a lot of money too... anyway, that was a radical measure to eliminate the traces of CD in my life. And I thought, even after all those warnings I've read here in so many posts, that once I found her I was rid of it forever.

But since I'm here again I guess I was wrong again... now I'm seeking for advice... after 9 months of relationship, should I tell her about CD?

[]'s

nibel

OK, dear. Here you are again. Right.

As ALL others have said, you HAVE to tell your sweetie about this. There is just no question that the alternative is a lifetime of hiding, lying, and deception. This is hardly a good basis for a sucessfull relationship. And then, when she does find out (and she will, at some point, believe me) she will wonder what ELSE you have been lying about all these years.

Now, all is not lost. Please explain to her that you did this in the past, you are not doing it now, you think you may not need to ever again, and you are going to do your best to ignore this entirely in the future. That covers all your bases. You may indeed be able to walk away. Good for you! You may not. But if you can't, at least you have told your sweetie honestly how you feel and what you tried to do. You have been HONEST. If your CDing turns out to be something you can't let go of, she will know how you feel now.

Tell her, but tell her EVERYTHING. Show her your post to us. Just involve her in everything. If she truely is the love of your life, you will find out soon enough.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Karren H]

Tell her the truth. You can't have a good relationship, based on a lie.

Well I kind of agree and disagree with my dear friend Brianna!! If you can't quit for good and you plan to continue to crossdress then better tell her now.. As far as the lie part I don't consider keeping a secret as technically lying!! Or how ever you spell it.. Lol. If she says "are you a crossdresser?" And you answer no, then your lying.. But everyone has some secrets small or largish...

And though I never told my wife I crossdressed when she found a few of my items and asked I told her the truth!!! After 25 years of marriage it was a shock so I'd say that if your going to tell her better make it soon... Otherwise ya better be good at keeping secrets!!! Hahahaha

[Dixie]

Just think of the hurt and mistrust that will occur when she does find out.

The truth shall set you free!

[Angie G]

So meny years my wife did not know I wished I could dress more the hiding sneaking thing in the house lies in was not alway a fun thing things are alot better now that she knows I dress 5 day a week and except for work wear pantys 7 day a week and have my ears pierced and alway wearing somekind kind of earrings life is way better now that she nows I don't know how your girl will take it but think about it hun.
All I can say is I wish she know years ago :hugs:
Angie

[StephanieH]

Thank you for your replies... I am really thinking about doing that but it's not so easy... I did not mention all the information in the first post because she happen to come home and interrupted me. It's hard to tell her because she is kinda emotionally unstable right now... many things are happening to her in a bad sense, like a discovery of a chronic disease and many other stressful events. Now, when she has a crises she usually says that she feels alone because bad things only happens to her... I try to bond with her saying her problems are mine too and we should face it together...

Now, my confusion is, if I tell her now, it will be one more problem in her pool of problems, or maybe it's a chance that she will see me as a person who have his conflicts too and because of that see me as more "human" and more close to her. I don't want to cause her a total breakdown, but she knows there is part of my soul I'm hiding from her and that may be the reason why she feels alone sometimes...

Also, I fear that if she reacts the bad way, she could spread the information around... In resume, I'm having trouble seeing the win/win situation.

[]'s

nibel

I'm a big advocate of telling spouses and significant others as quickly as possible about this little diversion because deception breeds mistrust and that's never healthy for any relationship. HOWEVER...

Given this information, I think you're in a bit of an unusual and difficult situation. If she is prone to depression problems and has has health issues and other problems, dropping something like this on her probably isn't going to help her or you. By the same token, you can't hide it either. To me, there's a big difference in having the DESIRE to CD and ACTUALLY DOING IT. If you're not actively doing it right now, don't worry about telling her. If you are dressing, you might need to reevaluate your needs in relation to her needs and how much this woman means to you.

If I were in your heels, I would just keep thinking about dressing (if you choose to stay in the relationship) and wait for her outlook on life to improve and help nurse her along to a better place. Once she's confident you're there for the long haul and you really care about her, tell her what you did IN THE PAST and would like to continue again. Few women will chastise us for things we did before they were in the picture, so this should present few, if any issues. At that point, the worst thing that can happen is that it'll take a little time for her to adjust to the idea. But, if you've already proven your devotion to her, I think that adjustment will be easier and she won't see it as a traumatic experience or anything terrible for her life.

Take care and God bless, hope all goes well for both of you. :hugs:

[Marla S]

Now, my confusion is, if I tell her now, it will be one more problem in her pool of problems, or maybe it's a chance that she will see me as a person who have his conflicts too and because of that see me as more "human" and more close to her. I don't want to cause her a total breakdown, but she knows there is part of my soul I'm hiding from her and that may be the reason why she feels alone sometimes...

Also, I fear that if she reacts the bad way, she could spread the information around... In resume, I'm having trouble seeing the win/win situation.


I think that can be the win-win situation for both of you, as long as the both of you don't try to make it for the own profit.
And you should avoid the impression that she becomes not- women-enough by your fem side.
Honesty and being able to appreciate that IS win-win, even if it doesn't work out.

Of course there is always a risk that it doesn't work out, but there is also the chance that it will make the both of you stronger.

[Brenda121]

I never have told my love of my life,its been now 46 years,I am still not going to tell her,it would just be wrong for me,hope it goes wellon what ever you do:hugs:

[Emily Ann Brown]

You think you lost a lot of money 9 months ago....add up a divorce 9 YEARS from now (this is the voice of experience).

TELL HER !!!!!


Emily Ann

[Melissa Anne]

Tell her now. It might be scary and difficult but any pain now will be magnified 10 times if you wait. If you tell her, or worse, if she finds out by other means, 10, 20, or 30 years down the road after you have been married, had kids, etc., it will be much worse. Good Luck!

[melissacd]

If you want to have an open and honest relationship with her then tell her the truth soon. Be prepared for lots of discussions, be prepared with lots of documentation, be prepared that she may not be able to deal with it, ever, and be prepared for rejection. You may be pleasantly surprised by how positive she responds to your honesty.

If you are not concerned about keeping secrets, breach of trust, the possibility of accidental discovery and lots of pain later down the road then don't say anything and time will take care of it for you.

It is far better to lay your cards on the table now when there is less at stake. The biggest issue besides the perceived betrayal that my ex wife had was that I never gave her the choice when we were first going out to say to me that she did not want this in her life and so 25 years later there is lots of pain and anger over a choice not offered.

Give her the chance to say yes or no.

[Tracy_Victoria]

I told my Partner everything about my Dressing, as I realised we were starting to get serious. you can keep this sort of thing to yourself, but be aware, some girls, just can't handle a crossdressing guy. If you decide to hide it, you will always live in fear of her finding out, or her rejecting you, and a costly divorce in a extreme case, several years down the line.

Telling someone you love you do this is never easy, in my own case I don't understand why I do this myself, let alone explain it to another. However I felt a need to do so, I didn't want a relationship built on a lie, and I certainly wanted not to have to fear my SO finding out and losing her due to it.

I decided to tell, and did so, via a very indepth letter explaining my felling and my needs. Nearly 15 years later we are still together, we don't have a relationship, between my fem self, and her, but we handle my need to dress in a way suitable to both, so be aware, there is actually no simple yes and no answer here, there are lots of different reactions, from full acceptance, or rejection. ie your partner knowing, is not alway the end of the problem, some times it can be the start of others. So be aware, telling is not always a green light to dress, but there again, with consideration on both sides, there are ways and means to deal with problems.

Good Luck

[charllote34]

Oh i think you should tell her , i know exactly what you going through x

[Patti Girl]

If you are serious about your dressing...and you think you are serious about this woman, then it is best that you tell her NOW, IMO. Either you will be unhappy about repressing your desires (or needs), or it will be a problem ("why did you hide this from me?") when it finally comes out.

I'm in a second marriage. The first one lasted 34 years but I never felt confident enough to open up to my ex (I wasn't a cross dresser then, but I did have my own "kinks" that I kept hidden.) When I met my current wife, I "let it all out". I was confident enough about our relationship and I truly felt that I had to tell everything about myself and my needs. The openness is --so-- much better! And I don't have any "hidden" things to worry about. And she knows that there are no hidden things. That makes our relationship all the better.

Good luck!


Patti

[christid66]

You don't have to at all....Then you can be the same as me - In the closet and scared of my wife's reaction from when she hears that her husband likes to dress in women's clothes.....and has kept a secret from her for more than 20 years!!!
I sound like a hypocrite but you really should tell her

[docrobbysherry]

U didn't mention when u r getting married. Not getting married? Whats the hurry? 9 months is a drop in the bucket of a relationship. It sounds like u and her have enough things to work out. Unless u feel the need to go out dressed, don't tell her now. When u feel that u want to spend the rest of your life with her, THEN TELL HER!
It will be the untimate test of her love, and may avoid the usually inevitable divorce.
RS

[nibel]

Thanks again for all those messages, I'm paying attention to all of them. I just want to complement my history. Since I've met her I've destroyed everything that could trace me to CD and (almost) never got close to dressing again. The only contact I have with female clothes are hers, and guess what... they don't fit in me :P

I don't know if she is a "psychic" or something, but some days I think she knows something, just by looking at me. There was a funny event when it was very cold in my town for a week, and seeing her in pantyhose made me comment that "women are lucky to have something like that, we man are not since we have to stay cold"... later this conversation did actually good results since after a few days we went to a stockings store and she bought me a pair of winter pantyhoses saying that was for her mother... (that's the 'almost' i've said up there) The tragic ending to this history was that the day after that the cold was over and I had no excuse to wear it anymore.

Since that event I thought "hey! maybe she has something!" but a later event made me hold that thought. We went to the video rental store and we saw a women's couple... after a moment she realized that one of the women actually was a man, and they were kissing. She was like shocked to see a man in womans clothes and started to make all kinds of questions about how could that be possible, if he was gay and stuff like that. Of course I've tried to answer in the most generic way to say that he was straight and that dressing had nothing to do with being gay, while trying to be not much of a expert in the subject.

We usually talk a lot about sexual matters, and she knows my taste for women's clothes. Before meeting me she didn't care a lot about what she wear, but with time I got to take her once in a while to a clothes or lingerie store to buy something nice for her. Somehow I see her unusual desinterest for clothings a balance in our relationship, but it worries me how would her feel when she finds out that I'm "advancing on her territory"...

Anyway, back to the subject, I don't think I will have a need to dress anytime soon, but I can already feel the need to talk about it, and dressing is always the next step... I already know the drill... that's why I want to get ready... She is going thru a difficult phase in her life, and I'm her support... but I'm losing my energy and need a support to myself... that used to be my CD. So I foresee that I'll get back sooner or later to CD to replenish my energies and be able to keep by her side.

I'll think a little more about all your advices, but I'm almost convinced that the moment to tell her is now...

[trannie T]

Pull up your panties and crank up your courage and tell her. As hard as it is to tell her now it will be far more difficult as time goes by. Good luck to the both of you.

[jennCD]

Absolutely yes!
...and you may even thank yourself in the end.

:)
jenn

[TxKimberly]

This is an incredibly hard call to make and only you can do it. Some women will accept it and some wont so you must be aware of, and willing to deal with, the consequences. One thing you know for sure - you will never be whole, and you will not be treating her with love and respect it you don't tell her before things get to the marriage point.
If you are "just" dating, use your best judgment. If you are going farther in the relationship and considering marriage, you need to tell her.

[Sally24]

I told my wife before we were even engaged. It was one of the best decisions in my life! She was not too concerned then so it was much easier. She gets more concerned now that my dressing is expanding.

I think you're right. She could see this as "your problem" and something she could help you with. Good Luck!

[Patti Girl]

You don't have to at all....Then you can be the same as me - In the closet and scared of my wife's reaction from when she hears that her husband likes to dress in women's clothes.....and has kept a secret from her for more than 20 years!!!
I sound like a hypocrite but you really should tell her

Christi,

I think you hit the nail on the head....the longer one waits, the more difficult it becomes until it seems impossible and/or way too risky.


She was like shocked to see a man in womans clothes and started to make all kinds of questions about how could that be possible, if he was gay and stuff like that.

That could have been a great opportunity for you if you were fast enough on your feet: "Of course, he is not gay, he's kissing a woman!.....besides, I think it's neat to see a guy who likes to dress up like that...." and see what her reaction is. Of course, I understand that few of us would be that quick with the right response :happy:

Patti

[charlie]

I don't think many of you will recognize me since my posts are kinda rare... my last appearance here was about 9 months ago. So many things happened in this time, the most important one was that I found a girl I see as the love of my life. By the time she accepted to be my girlfriend my first impulse was to purge everything I had, cancelled pending orders and lost a lot of money too... anyway, that was a radical measure to eliminate the traces of CD in my life. And I thought, even after all those warnings I've read here in so many posts, that once I found her I was rid of it forever.

But since I'm here again I guess I was wrong again... now I'm seeking for advice... after 9 months of relationship, should I tell her about CD?

[]'s

nibel

Hello Nibel!
Sorry that you are here again when you actually wish that you were not. I'm afraid that I understand. I also don't want to give you the "be your true self" talk. If you come out to your love of your life, she quite possibly will cease to be your true love. Society just sees us as weird people that are not normal. Women in general seem to want a traditional man in pants and oxford shoes instead of a dress and heels. If your love could accept the truth then you would be a very, very lucky man. However, if she hates it, she would be gone. Is that worth telling her? You make the call.

[melissacd]

"However, if she hates it, she would be gone. Is that worth telling her? You make the call."

Yes, being up front in a relationship is the right thing to do, even if it ends the relationship. It is the biggest lesson that I have learned from not telling and hiding it all these years. Once I fessed up, because so many years had passed the fall out was way worse than it would have been had I said something at the beginning. Yes I would have lost her anyway, but better at the beginning than after 25 years of hiding and pain.

You will do what you do, however, I am certain that many on this site will attest to the absolute mistake not being honest and up front to the one you profess to love is.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[nibel]

Hi everybody, I'm here again to tell the news.

After a lot of thinking I've decided to tell her... I waited for the right moment and it happened to be the last night. I must say, I was quite amused by her reaction! She told me that between us there should be not hiding and no wearing masks, that we should be thruthful to each other since the only place we can rest is at our home. She also said she would support me with whatever I need unconditionaly, offered to go shopping and even lend me some of her clothes... That was a surprise I wasn't expecting, and I confess I did felt quite uneasy talking about CD so open minded.

I don't know what's going to happen from now on... I want to move things on slowly to see what happens while she is encouraging me to move faster. I think that she sees my CD in a more positive way that I'd never could think of up till now.

I think I will spend a few days reasoning till I get used to this new reality I've got into... I have mixed feelings about happiness and confusion (fear of the change), but the only thing that matters to me right now is that she said that I will be always the man that she loves, and that worths me the most!

With her by my side the only thing I need to face now is my own mind, and there is where lies all my problems right now.

Thank you all for your support.

[Di]

Wonderful news:D...it is awesome sharing your complete self with someone....very happy to hear it went well:hugs:

[AmandaM]

I don't think anyone should get married unless they tell. It's too expensive and too hard emotionally. For myself, I told her before. She accepts it, buys me things, has helped with makeup, etc. I wish she "liked it" and "encouraged me" like some women here. But, I can't look a gift horse in the mouth. If she ever kicked me out, I wouldn't date another woman unless she "liked it". Why? Because this is who I am. I want to be whole. And I want to be free. Why get married and have to hide? It's like you're living with mom again.

ok, too late, never mind! :)

[LoriNC]

nibel
Congrats:thumbsup: so glad it is working out so well for you I can so much relate to what your saying about the us wanting a walk & them wanting to run. (my wife same way, just be greatful she did'nt bolt for the door & take it one day at a time):hugs:

:love:Love & Happiness:hugs:
Lori

[docrobbysherry]

That would be her seeing u, maybe even helping u, dress up! Maybe u can go shopping together. That might really make her part of your Cding. completely. (Not that I have any experience with an SO and CDing.) Just sounds like fun!
RS

www.myspace.com/robertsherry

[Sheri 4242]

There are so many who have tried the "hide and seek" method and experienced so much pain and anguish because of it.


Tell her the truth. You can't have a good relationship, based on a lie.

The best advice you've been given is to tell now!!! You cannot build a healthy relationship based on lies or deception. Now that the subject has been introduced between the two of us, you both have to see if this can or cannot be a part of a life together. In the main, you can't move forward with her until you both know the answers to these questions. You cannot have a solid, healthy relationship if one is secretly making decisions for the other.

[Patti Girl]

The best advice you've been given is to tell now!!! You cannot build a healthy relationship based on lies or deception. Now that the subject has been introduced between the two of us, you both have to see if this can or cannot be a part of a life together. In the main, you can't move forward with her until you both know the answers to these questions. You cannot have a solid, healthy relationship if one is secretly making decisions for the other.

Well said, Sheri! Or....the two can continue living separate, noncommunicating lives, each person having an imaginary (non real) relationship with the real other person <sad>.

Patti

[Melissa Davis]

Hi everybody, I'm here again to tell the news.

After a lot of thinking I've decided to tell her... I waited for the right moment and it happened to be the last night. I must say, I was quite amused by her reaction! She told me that between us there should be not hiding and no wearing masks, that we should be thruthful to each other since the only place we can rest is at our home. She also said she would support me with whatever I need unconditionaly, offered to go shopping and even lend me some of her clothes... That was a surprise I wasn't expecting, and I confess I did felt quite uneasy talking about CD so open minded.

I don't know what's going to happen from now on... I want to move things on slowly to see what happens while she is encouraging me to move faster. I think that she sees my CD in a more positive way that I'd never could think of up till now.

I think I will spend a few days reasoning till I get used to this new reality I've got into... I have mixed feelings about happiness and confusion (fear of the change), but the only thing that matters to me right now is that she said that I will be always the man that she loves, and that worths me the most!

With her by my side the only thing I need to face now is my own mind, and there is where lies all my problems right now.

Thank you all for your support.
That is so great to hear! Congrats! :D

[Albtraum]

Don't wait, there is never a 'perfect' time. You've shared with her that you have your own conflicts, but haven't opened up and said what they are.

Let her know that you're there for her above all else. Treat her delicately.

Most of all, let us know how it turns out. I wish you the very best. A relationship has to be honest, if she is the one for you, you'll both know. She has my best wishes for her health, too.

[jonnie64]

You would be surprised how many women will be open minded about your crossdressing. I have personally known three who actually enjoyed the fact that I did and even encouraged and indulged me!

If you do tell her, try to ease her into it; too much too quick might be overload! But I agree with most: you should definitely tell her. Cd'ing is a HUGE part of my life and if I can't share that with a partner then we'd both be missing a lot.

Good luck sweetie......

[SusanMarie]

Be honest with yourself.
Be honest with your SO.

If you can't be honest with yourself...
then you can't be honest with anyone else.

[ptp009]

Well I guess you should tell us what she like maybe we can give you a hint. I think overall though if you intend to have a serious relationship YOU SHOULD TELL HER and hopefully she will accept. I told my wife after we lived together for 5 years, she was a little upset but over the years she has learned to accept me with some boundries, First I can wear underwear nylons and stuff around the house and out but she must not see me in a dress and make-up. She knows I go out once a month or so But I ask her in advance first. Hope that help.

I don;t think you can have a serious relationship without telling her and if she say no and will not accept end it, it will not get any better, You will never bea able to stop as I haev prged so manty times in my life now I'm in my 50's I must have purged $50,000 worth of stuff.

[Tamera]

Trust me after all I been goin through. Be up front and tell her....
Hugs,
Tamera

[TxKimberly]

I always find threads on should one come out to a gf a bit hard to post to...because giving someone advice on another person who we do not know is hard...

Of all of us, only you have a clue how she might react. No question if you are moving to the "thinking of Marriage" stage you need to tell her, otherwise use your best judgment. What does YOUR heart tell you to do?

[Donna Beebs]

I feel you should have a 'come to jeebus" moment with her and tell her.

You can only hide things from her for so long.

Donna