Not a popular thing to do but I purged!

[emmicd]

I know this is not a popular thing to do if you are a crossdresser. I am a crossdresser and I've been doing it since I was 5 and i have purged many times before but I feel this is different as i feel i needed to purge all my dresses and undergarments.

I just can't live like this any more and i need to be supportive of my child and i need to be whole and without weakness.

I feel this may not be the right thing for most crossdressers but for me it feels liberating and i realize i will miss dressing but deep down in my heart i know i'm doing the right thing.

Good Luck to all!

emmi

[LaurenS.]

Hi EMMICD,
Purging isn't popular or unpopular, it's something that we all do when we feel the need. Purging usually doesn't last too long but I purged for 8 years. Like you, I had enough and felt I couldn't live this way any longer. I had a young daughter that needed me and I felt too guilty dressing. I understand how you feel and why you want to purge. All I can tell you is that my urge to dress returned after 8 years. I am now trying to accept my dressing and not fight it any longer. I am trying to look at my being a CD as a blessing and enjoy it without guilt. I wish you the best of luck with your decision and hope that you can stop dressing for as long as neccessary. I do believe it will return. I just hope it's later than sooner for you.

LaurenS.

[Tracy_Victoria]

Emmi

Many off us have been in your very position, other have purged clothes through need, or a desire, but the biggest thing here is fighting your desire to do so.

Many of us know just how you feel, I'm still confussed 40 year on as to why I dress, but 40 years on I still do. Our need to be a father to our children, and a husband to our wifes, is something we were born and breed to do, it little wonder the desire to dress up as a woman cause some major problems.

However the most important thing here is we all are what we are, and our desire to do this is not wrong, just misunderstood by others who don't have such desires. your need to purge for your family is not uncommon, however, many of us will tell you you have both a long and difficult fight ahead.

My personal advice here is talk to someone, and if possable talk to your SO, even if it is only to ask her views on the subject. many men do much worse to there wifes, and family, than wearing a dress, much much worse! Talking to someone, will help you. I personally have tried tried many times to stop, but my desire to do this has alway won, that does not mean I'm weak, it just a case I have problems stopping doing something I enjoy so much.

I'm one of the very lucky ones, my wife knows about my dressing, and knows how much it means to me, But I don't have a green light to dress as and when I like, we have children who don't know about daddies dressing, and my wife is never present when I dress. we handle it in a way we both can deal with it, I wish the situation was a better one, but I'm grateful for the level of acceptance and understanding I have. I wish she could fully accepting seeing me dressed, even helping and advising me, but she can't. and therefore we each deal with it, to suit both of our needs, sometimes you just have to admit to what you are, but respect others wishes and needs too.

I really hope you find a way to make piece with your Demons, or find a solution to needs, the path you start to walk today, is a difficult one, so be aware you will take a wrong turn or two on the way.

Good luck Emmi

[tommi]

Emmi
Goodluck find outside support,I have purged many times and it always comes
back pushing harder than before.
As much as we all would like support and acceptance in our dressing when
we try to stop finding help is more important ,activities and support of other
kinds.
Goodluck best wishes
Tommi :hugs:

[Christine Kelly]

Good luck, Emmi.
We all have to follow our own paths.
If this feels right for you, that is really all that matters.

[JoanFlores]

i know how you feel, right now I am at that stage too.

[melissaK]

Nice comments girls. My :2c:, emmicd, purging CDing is like throwing a boomerang. The harder you throw it away, the harder it will come back. :heehee:

I realize you haven't said you are embarking on a voyage up the Eygptian river - de' Nile, merely that you are purging and going on a break from openly CDing.

I guess my concern is going on a CDing break has a way of snowballing and driving us back into a deep dark closet. At least that's happened to me.

No matter what our specific reason maybe, in my not so humble opinion it all boils down to this: we stop openly dressing because we are giving into peer pressure over social moral codes taught to us and which a majority of people accept, and sometimes which we ourselves accept despite the great contradiction it creates within us. And I don't say that judgmentally. It is just a fact.

There's no way to neutralize this desire within us. Through sheer will power we girls can and do succeed at putting CDing off. Sometimes for years on end we can fight the daily urge. We dive into other pursuits with maniacal intensity and rearrange our priorities so the CDing urges don't rate having a time slot on our day planner.

But all that self-sacrifice comes at an emotional price. So keep track of your emotional sense of well being and stay honest with yourself about what you are, what you are doing, and why.

And more imporatantly, be careful of any new relationships. If we build them upon a foundation of incomplete truths about ourself, then our new relationships will eventually suffer. We end up yearning for them to be better and more open, and we end up afraid to dare to go back and reset the foundational stones upon which the relationship is built by telling a new SO or close friend about our true self.

Sticking ourself in a closet is nothing new. We all have done it/do it, and you've probably been there a time or two yourself. So you probably know what I mean when I say those dang closet doors can stick shut pretty tight and you can go through a lot of anxiety getting them open again.

And of course these forums (or some other forum or group) will be there to help give you support anytime.

Hugs,
'lissa

[marie354]

I purged just last week.....
I got rid of everything that didn't fit anymore!
(I've gone down to an 8 from a 12)

[JoannaCD]

Nice to see a little levity to a very vexing subject. I hate to think of all the "money" I've put in the trash can over the years.
JoannaCD

[flacindycd]

I know how you feel hon, however, Alot of us think purging will solve our complex feelings/emotions and make everything"normal" again, i know I thought that throughout my 30 yrs of dressing and purging, only to come back, sometimes it was 2 months sometimes 2 years,admittidly i thought i felt better...only to realize that i just needed to come back, we gurlz live a very complex life, more than most realize, my net result was It just cost me alot of money. If you truly feel relaxed,complete and just plain good when dressed , then I believe you too will return to dressing, I do hope I"m wrong about this however, time will tell.

[cdrobbie]

good luck emmie, and don't worry Im sure we all will still be around for you if and when you come back.

[Angie G]

Good luck Emmi I wish you all the best hun :hugs:
Angie

[docrobbysherry]

Some people may feel it is wrong to quit. Because u r denying a part of yourself. But is it that, or just a desire to rid yourself of an unhealthy habit? Just like quitting smoking, controlling what u eat, and going to the gym, when u don't feel like it. I don't think CDing is unhealthy in itself. However, others r not so accepting. When we have to stay hidden in the closet ,from our family and friends, it's a secret that can eat at us, create guilt in us. I feel that, too. We all would like to deny feelings we fear r unhealthy. Like the father who is attracted to his daughter. It's a desire he would like to push out of his mind. Maybe many CD's feel that way also. JUst a thought.
RS

myspace.com/robertsherry

[BarbaraTalbot]

with compulsive behavior.

I am very black and white, which is a hallmark of the obsessive.

If you limit yourself to dressing obsessively or not dressing at all thats a pretty big divide. There is a euphoria that comes from those early pro-active steps one takes to defeat these behaviors.

This wears off. The feeling of strength and self mastery are valid and worth having, especially if you can find other ways to feel that like setting goals or taking on challenges that are esteem building. For example, train for a distance race. As you get closer to being able to finish/ meet your next goal time/ whatever, you get that same rush of self mastery.

The problem is with self-denial as esteem building is that after a while it loses its luster, "not doing" something takes stamina, but after a while fingers of self doubt creep in. It begins to feel like your "not doing" is a pretty minor thing. (It isn't.) If you succeed, you aren't thinking about it, so no reward for not realizing you are "not doing it. If you rememberyou are "not doing" it feels like "whats wrong with me why am I still thinking about it."

I wish you peace how ever you find it.

[Nicki B]

I purged just last week.....
I got rid of everything that didn't fit anymore!
(I've gone down to an 8 from a 12)

Show off!! :winking:

Emmi - it's not 'not popular' - it's just that most of us have experience of ourselves or friends trying to deny ourselves, like this? It's NEVER a lifestyle choice, it's a part of us, FOR LIFE?

That doesn't mean it can't ever be done - it depends on the strength of your dysphoria and your willpower - so go, give it your best shot. I sincerely wish you the very best..

xx

[Deborah Jane]

I hope it works out as you want Emmi..Good luck hun!!

[Ðarissa]

I hope it works out as you want Emmi..Good luck hun!!What deborah said. I hope you're happy and that it all works out for you. :hugs:

[jill carey]

hi Emmi,
A girl must do what a girl must do,I feel that you will return when the time is right,until then I wish you all the best of luck.

**~ Jill ~**

[Kate Simmons]

We do what we need to to Emmi, what we have to do. Mine went into the closet for my family. My kids needed a Dad. When they grew and were ready to fly, I returned to it as I had unfinished business and had to find out who I really was. Now that I am in touch with myself and my feelings, I can take it or leave it really and I've proven I can be myself no matter what and the world is not going to end if I don't not throw on a dress, makeup and a wig. Maybe it will eventually return for you, maybe not. The most important thing is knowing yourself and your feelings and being true to yourself.:happy:

[Scotty]

When I went deep on the T-blockers I lost the ur ge except for nightware so I just put everything in the box and put it in the attic.

Glad I did, there's some things I enjoy wearing....

But each person has to do what's good for them.

On the bright side, you'll have plenty of FRESH shopping to do!

I just got the hanes catalog and was like a kid in a toystore browsing through the panties and bras...

[kavyaruma]

Best wishes .Hope decision can do wonder for your child..

[Shiny]

It's too bad to hear that you purged all your stuff! But, I have been there many times before myself so I understand. It's a liberating feeling to be free of all that stuff, I know. But, in my experience the same old brain buzz starts coming back after a few weeks or months, although I made it two years once.

I doubt I will ever purge again as I have so much money wrapped up in my alter-ego's wardrobe it would simply be insane! Best of luck to you, but if you return to our ranks and start collecting stuff again the next time you get the urge to purge do what I have done. Gather every stitch up and pack them away! Old cleaned out hampers, old steamer trunks or old suit cases. Then put those things into storage or at the back of the closet or in the basement or attic behind everything else. I find that works for me. If your urge does not return, send the stuff to the Salvation Army, if it does, you aren't out anything.

Or, if you are a size 20 tall, send everything to me next time!

Take care!

[Patti Girl]

Best wishes, Emmi. From what I understand, purging is very popular....just not generally effective. Maybe it does work for a lot of people and we just never hear from them again?

Each of us does it for our own reasons and needs.

I've been fortunate and understood enough about purging that I never threw anything away, I just left it idle for a while. That approach is less expensive :)

Good luck

Patti

[danam]

I'm going to purge all the photos off my computer soon. I'm not sure I can part with my shapewear...EVER! But the photos...yeah, well...when I do get caught by the SO, the less pictures on my computer, the better.

[JulieC]

i need to be supportive of my child and i need to be whole and without weakness.

Emmi, this is a flawed notion that tends to be forced onto young boys, and fostered through development. Thou art male, therefore thou must always be strong. Thou shalt not ever show weakness, and under pain of death thou shalt not ever cry in public! This is a fatally flawed concept and leads to a LOT more problems than it ever solves.

You are *human*. That means you have weaknesses. Some of them you know, some you don't. All you can do is manage them to the best of your ability.

Repression is very, very rarely a successful method of managing a perceived weakness. I have a strong tendency to perfection, for example. To repress it would be to constantly feel my work is not living up to my standards. I can't do that. I instead use it as a tool, trying to use it appropriately in given situations as needed.

Similarly, attempting to suppress crossdressing stands a good chance of making you sad, and may even lead to you angrily acting out towards your child because she's the one who is forcing your decision not to crossdress. You may very well focus your anger at the repression onto her. This is most dangerous.

Nobody can make these decisions for you. But, it is important to understand that every decision has consequences. Repressing your crossdressing very likely will have negative consequences. It's not going to be the happy promised land of freedom from angst over the care of your child. Of course, neither is actively deciding to crossdress. But, then we get to...if crossdressing or not crossdressing both lead to negative consequences of the same magnitude, isn't crossdressing really a disconnected issue?

I have young kids. I know where you are coming from. For my own part, I've actively decided to continue crossdressing. I've actively decided *not* to inform my children. I keep my crossdressing separate from them. I have and will continue to educate them about all aspects of society that I can, which includes facets of society including different races, socio-economic status, sexual preferences, and gender identity. Sexual preference issues are too much for them yet. In all other areas, I keep educating, in simple terms as need be (they are both under 5). For example, the elder's been told repeatedly that tights are not just girls clothes, but boys clothes too, and that most boys don't wear them but some do and it's ok. The younger was very frighted the first time she saw someone with very dark skin. Now, she has no problem running up to anyone of color and giving them hugs.

Training your children is something you are burdened with, not just teachers. You are responsible for much of their learning. Attempting to maintain some false sense of perfection of society's expectations and how daddy lives up to them perfectly can be quite harmful to their world perception. Showing them instead how you manage your own shortcomings in productive, principled ways instead teaches them a great deal that they can use in their later lives.

Just some food for thought. I wish you the best.

[KarenSusan]

Good luck, Emmi. Sometimes I wish I could purge too.

[emmicd]

Wow! I am very appreciative of all your good wishes and your insight. You are all special and I admire you all and thank you for reaching out. I do admit that I do have a fondness for crossdressing and I know I am a crossdresser and even if I rid myself of the clothes I am still me and I will probabaly still have that desire to dress.

After all I gravitated to crossdressing at the tender age of 5 and it has been a part of my life ever since.

I have done a lot of soul searching and I am with mixed feelings but the fact of the matter is I have a child who to me means more to me than anything else and I am at a crossroads in my life because of the severity of my child's needs.

My son is autistic and has epilepsy and he has so many struggles and my heart aches for him as he has difficulties with socializing.

He alienates himself from other children and he has difficulties fitting in.

My wife and I need to get him on the right path and I need to be his biggest advocate and must channel all my energies to helping him be all he can be and most of all to help him smile and be a happy child.

Autism is so hard to understand and it is so frustrating to see how it affects your child in ways.

I am trying to learn all I can about Autism and how I can help my son deal with it so he can have a productive life.

What I want most for my son is for him to be a kid, make friends do well in school and most of all I want him to be happy!

Thanks again for your sincerity and good wishes!

emmi

[Twyla]

Probably you are not doing it for to long, otherwise you would have realized that's futile.
Many years ago I purged several times. After that I understood that it's just a source of future expenses for replacements.

[Kate Simmons]

The measure of a person is determined by the quantity and quality of his dedication and love. I'd say you measure up very well my friend and I salute you.:happy:

[marie354]

Autism in a child can be very trying at times so I can understand your need o purge from that respect. But couldn't you still keep a box in the garage or attic or somewhere else? Everytime I purged in the past, the urge always came back stronger and I wish I had saved everything.
You have my best wishes for happiness.

[AmandaLatex]

I understand this one because I have purged so many times. What a waste of money. It makes me sick of what I gave up. And did I stop dressing? Ah no.

Hugs,

Amanda