my faild purge

[Wendy me]

my purge

i have said in the past that i have never have purged yes that was true up untill 3/23/05 to 3/26/05. well i was in a panic
big time .so shure that was it time to go be done with it . questing all of this cd stuff . frist i started to rid my coumpter of all traces of
wendy....all my pictures deleated, gone . then 3 or 4 pages of pitcures on my user thing file gone tears in my eyes hands shakeing............knowing this was not right but as bad as it was tearing me appart...in some strange way it was right. so then
delete my avator.......gone just make her go away........

next them 5000 + posts got to go so i start ..... i did may be i don't know a cupple hunderd posts ...just way too manny to do........it just could not happen ..each one i deleted was harder to do than the last . stopped that gave up falied

now something i could do trash bags yes lots of them boxes storage bins pack all her things up. again so wrong but like a train out of controll no stopping. every thing packed up ready to get rid of her for good the pile of boxes and trash bags was just over wellming . ok that done all ready to go to good will all that going the next day 2 maybe 3 trips just not up to it now. packed and ready i can do this .

my mind raceing going a thousand miles a hour and nouthing regerestering. all i could think it is going to be so mutch better with out her ....now some contacts i have to have......e mails and that sort of thing .....almost no coumpter skills and
in a daze . wrighting them on little sticky pads every were what a mess . it just seamed to fit this whole thing was a mess

like thousands of times i have heard don't purge . pack it up put it away , save it and think abought it .real good thoughts but complety not regestering at all. how the hell can this be happening ???the answer it is the right thing to do. yes it is or why would i be doing it?? i want to get rid of her right ?? i need to do this ...i want to do this...a few contacts emails and pm's and a phone call ...breaking my thought prossess . good god go away and let me do this , it hurts so bad and this will go away when it's over,,,i shure of it no more we/us no her just "him" . the way it was ment to be......

words of common scence just bounced off me . on auto crash a few last things to then i could get rid of her for good my fav. sister gave her all my contact info even my him info ...wanted to stay in touch even if wendy was gone for good.
i needed to have this . more words of common scence still not getting through. you know who you are jj.

ok last thing to do and it's over done for good . befor i am gone need to clear the air . get things right then gone leveing this place .. for it's own good. .with out wendy every thing would just be better for every one. no troubles no pain no more being some one or something i am not..

a calm feeling now all plans some what on track almost over. whew getting a lot easyer now.. relife , peace i know this is right no anger no blame , no nouthing nicely numb right..............

last on the list seamed like it wasen't going to happen . trying in vain but to no use this did not seam like it would happen
feeling like a hole is in me and like it was the way it should be like it was ment to be.....resovled that it was not going to happen. then a replay tonight? yes good now we can close this thing and be done with it for good .

kinda like not nerves or any thing but like relived now just do this and be done with it what i thought could be done in a few quick minnettes took a long time (not complaneing it was good) took a while ....still moveing on with my plan to rid the whole wendy mess .. it was good it was right. up untill just abought done ... just something clicked and i said "this is not what i wanted to do" then what was i doing it for?? why???ok stop this train lets not do this end this now . thanks t.

numb relived and a little shell shocked . trying to recount and in some way make a bit of scance of what just happened.
now scared i haven't been wendy at all as all this was going on. she lay in my office in a pile of boxes and trash bags.
now could she be still in there some were or did she pack up and leave ?? that was more scarey than my faild purge
putting back her things over the next few days , kinda of half as- dressing not pushing it just easy slow and see what happens....

reading posts not posting mutch just well happy just to be here........scaning treads enjoying. a time for a little reflection , gather up thoughts.

thinking of what i did and almost did.now so wrong what i did my purge or faild purge i took , i stole from the veary place
and people that mean so mutch to me. the pitchures and posts that i deleated are gone for ever . a pice of this place i call
home....from people i call family... each post every word we post is part of this place i hade no right to do that . for this i am truly sorry.. i can not un do it ...this will stick with me for a long time. in my thoughts.

now what have i learned from this??? ok i not 100% shure but what i can see or i think i see is this person wendy is
just so simpile and easy going careing and loveing fun and playfull.......and at the same time so complex and lost between what is and what can never be. i could be so in fokus then before i know it so off the wall. smart and stupid all at the same time. but i know this, i see this and sometime it's like watching from the side lines .not being in controll of what is going on.. i am trying to get it right, just what that is i don't know..

this i do know this faild purge has in some way left a inprent on me that .... for some time to come will stay with me.......
this will for shure take some time to sort out , the right answers ??????? sometimes i am clue less to the right questions...... trying ............4/1/2005

[DonnaT]

Welcome home Wendy!!!!!

[Tiffy]

WOW Wendy, I can not imagine the hell you are going thru. But welcome back girl.

Kisses, April

[Tristen Cox]

As you have learned here and so have I said to you, it's always there no matter what you do. You can throw everything out and then you'll be sitting there feeling empty, wondering what the hell did I just do. Then it comes storming back in a day a month or even a year. I did read from the closet to here and in many ways I was there myself. No friends like us, no family like us no place like this home. So many great people and such a bond we share like no other. At first it was stupid I thought "it's just some pervert forum and soon I'll be sick of it and maybe quite myself". Had I made that assumption and never come back I would never have learned what it means to us, never known we all share so much, never even thought of myself as normal(ok you know what I mean), and most likely felt alone for my entire life. Everything we do we learn from and it betters us for the future. Hope you'll be around for a long time. Purging can be destructive and painful. Don't you do it again :p

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Wendy,

I am so glad you told me to read this;I have done a lot of the same things.Deleated all messages,all pictures and was ready to walk away forever.You stopped me from that and I thank God you did.This must be Heaven,because we have allready been to Hell.

Sisters Forever,
Priscilla

[Stephanie]

As I noted on a previous post, I tried completely giving my cd-ing up 3-4 years ago when I first started dating my wife because I didn't want to ruin my chances with her and I didn't have much access to support and TG resources then as I do now but during the past two months I have begun finding my way back and I feel more mature and self-confident about it now. Unfortunately, all my old clothes are gone and I've got to start over from scratch. And I had one really nice outfit too. :( Oh well. Live and learn.

[Kimberly]

Purging never takes away the urge to dress, I've found. It just makes it worse.

The best we can do in this life, our life, is to accept it in ourselves and find people who accept it in us. This is a part of us, and we cannot change as people, we can only grow.

I think you grew when you purged, Wendy. But I'd advise not to do it again :p

[Sweet Susan]

Whew! Could we say that was a close one? Or was it a no brainer?

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Wendy!

So sorry you went through a purge. They're draining in so many ways; I know. Deleting pictures is the worst. I just looked through my computers to see if I might have a copy of your prior avatar saved in cache; sorry, no luck.

Can't post much right now, about to go to the Dr. because of this darned flu.

Wendy, I wish I could make it all right and logical. I can't. "Wendy" is a part of you and it's a good part, just as important as Wendy_Man.

Hang in there!!!!!!!

[Sherlyn]

Wendy i have purged oh god a few times ..and each and every time ..no matter how intense the purge was..... I survive .. you know when i was discoverd by my wife and told too get out it ..i just became numb with anxieties my life seemed to stop dead there at that point in time I WAS DISCOVERED by someone who knew nothin of this for over 20 yrs ...my thoughts we're if only after 1 of those purges i could have just stopped ...my point to all this is ...we are who we are ....the purge gets rid of the physical evidence but never does it get rid of the inner you ... your feelings your thoughts .... heck im on a very BIG HIGH ... so high i would tend too think i should purge Him..... and that would just not work.... soooooooo i really understand the feelings of confusin and ,...WHYS AND
AND WHAT IF.. questions that.. we all think ... just hang in there plzzzz we can't change who we are .. the purge just coz's u negativity ..in the end.. coz u really miss what you had already given to your being ....that is Her

[CindyT]

WOW! You seem to be on an emotional roller coaster! I'm wondering why you were considering the purge? Is there a specific reason?


I have been considering well, not exactly a purge, but shall I say "Inventory Reduction"??? We gather so much stuff over the years and I seldom throw out anything!


We are here for ya!


CindyT

[MarieTS]

We've all purged, and probably never feel any the better for it; only empty. I've felt like I was throwing myself away, to the point of tears.
We all appreciate and empathize with your dilemma. But look at the positive side-- now you can rebuild that wardrobe, cosmetic and jewlery collection. Expensive, yes. But building the model can be as much fun as playing with it. Enjoy the ride, girl! :cool:

[crispy]

you got me out of breath just reading it ! ;)

glad you're with us again. :)

[Rikki]

Wendy,

So close, I am just happy that you caught yourself in time. Hang in there girl things will look better, Course you already know that. I wish I had some answers for you, for us, but I don't. We are here for you if you need somebody. Chin up girl PM me if you would like to talk.


Rikki

[Trinity_cat]

Hi Wendy,

I'm sorry to hear of your "failed" purge.
Failing is not always a bad thing, but it is hurtful at the time.
All the questions and answers you are stuggling with, are no doubt somewhere on theses forums.
It is difficult to lose a best friend, but to try and rid yourself of Wendy, will serve no purpose but to tear you apart. You are who you are, be comfortable with your inner-self. We are all here to help you through, because we love you. Have more faith in your friends, and in yourslef. (couldn't resist the slef part:p )

[Wendy me]

thank you all for your responces to this thread. it dose helpe to know that we are not alone when we do things
that well we know we should not do.

as i look at this purge / failed purge , my thoughts and lack of thinking while cought up in it . i can only say this was my frist , and i hope last bought with that deamon. god love you girls that go through this more than once.
once was just too many times for me.

what caused it??? well from what i see and know ,wendy is that excissive coumplisive type . from shopping to what ever we do over do every thing, things start to get out of controll . knowing thay are just adds to it all to
the point were i push the boundries of what is ok . as a result things get way out of hand.

next blame .. who?? well not "him" ,"he" is not doing this. has to be wendy ok let her deal with it. her way is to
just hold it all in and panic . to the point were we get it's all my fault .... got to fix it ..can't fix it..

this time i thought that the easy fix was get rid of her. no wendy = no trouble easy. well even though i knew better
it would not sink it..thinking that was the only way...

what hurts me is what i did by deleting photos and posts from here....not the post count..thay belonged to this place. that i am sorry for.

so this leads me to thinking and looking at me . she was waiting for me in that pile of clouthes a little dazed
and a little shaken but still there, she is me. slowly we are getting things to make some logic to all this..
just going to take some time, prehapps starting with some preposting thinking....................

this i won't soon for get.................................

love wendy

[Wendy me]

not wanting to beat a dead thread but not wanting to start a new one eather

so just wanted to say to tristen thank you ... it seams one of my pitchures of wendy made it through this disaster in my coumpter the only way to get it out was through email seams some file thingy or something well tristen fixed it so i can use it ...thank you so mutch....(my old avator )......this one stays (the new one) for a while alsoi thanks to her.............. :p



thank you tristen

[biddy]

Wendy,
Should it ever get like that again for you, a suggestion "GET IN HERE AND TALK TO US" ;)