Wendy me
04-01-2005, 09:03 AM
my purge
i have said in the past that i have never have purged yes that was true up untill 3/23/05 to 3/26/05. well i was in a panic
big time .so shure that was it time to go be done with it . questing all of this cd stuff . frist i started to rid my coumpter of all traces of
wendy....all my pictures deleated, gone . then 3 or 4 pages of pitcures on my user thing file gone tears in my eyes hands shakeing............knowing this was not right but as bad as it was tearing me appart...in some strange way it was right. so then
delete my avator.......gone just make her go away........
next them 5000 + posts got to go so i start ..... i did may be i don't know a cupple hunderd posts ...just way too manny to do........it just could not happen ..each one i deleted was harder to do than the last . stopped that gave up falied
now something i could do trash bags yes lots of them boxes storage bins pack all her things up. again so wrong but like a train out of controll no stopping. every thing packed up ready to get rid of her for good the pile of boxes and trash bags was just over wellming . ok that done all ready to go to good will all that going the next day 2 maybe 3 trips just not up to it now. packed and ready i can do this .
my mind raceing going a thousand miles a hour and nouthing regerestering. all i could think it is going to be so mutch better with out her ....now some contacts i have to have......e mails and that sort of thing .....almost no coumpter skills and
in a daze . wrighting them on little sticky pads every were what a mess . it just seamed to fit this whole thing was a mess
like thousands of times i have heard don't purge . pack it up put it away , save it and think abought it .real good thoughts but complety not regestering at all. how the hell can this be happening ???the answer it is the right thing to do. yes it is or why would i be doing it?? i want to get rid of her right ?? i need to do this ...i want to do this...a few contacts emails and pm's and a phone call ...breaking my thought prossess . good god go away and let me do this , it hurts so bad and this will go away when it's over,,,i shure of it no more we/us no her just "him" . the way it was ment to be......
words of common scence just bounced off me . on auto crash a few last things to then i could get rid of her for good my fav. sister gave her all my contact info even my him info ...wanted to stay in touch even if wendy was gone for good.
i needed to have this . more words of common scence still not getting through. you know who you are jj.
ok last thing to do and it's over done for good . befor i am gone need to clear the air . get things right then gone leveing this place .. for it's own good. .with out wendy every thing would just be better for every one. no troubles no pain no more being some one or something i am not..
a calm feeling now all plans some what on track almost over. whew getting a lot easyer now.. relife , peace i know this is right no anger no blame , no nouthing nicely numb right..............
last on the list seamed like it wasen't going to happen . trying in vain but to no use this did not seam like it would happen
feeling like a hole is in me and like it was the way it should be like it was ment to be.....resovled that it was not going to happen. then a replay tonight? yes good now we can close this thing and be done with it for good .
kinda like not nerves or any thing but like relived now just do this and be done with it what i thought could be done in a few quick minnettes took a long time (not complaneing it was good) took a while ....still moveing on with my plan to rid the whole wendy mess .. it was good it was right. up untill just abought done ... just something clicked and i said "this is not what i wanted to do" then what was i doing it for?? why???ok stop this train lets not do this end this now . thanks t.
numb relived and a little shell shocked . trying to recount and in some way make a bit of scance of what just happened.
now scared i haven't been wendy at all as all this was going on. she lay in my office in a pile of boxes and trash bags.
now could she be still in there some were or did she pack up and leave ?? that was more scarey than my faild purge
putting back her things over the next few days , kinda of half as- dressing not pushing it just easy slow and see what happens....
reading posts not posting mutch just well happy just to be here........scaning treads enjoying. a time for a little reflection , gather up thoughts.
thinking of what i did and almost did.now so wrong what i did my purge or faild purge i took , i stole from the veary place
and people that mean so mutch to me. the pitchures and posts that i deleated are gone for ever . a pice of this place i call
home....from people i call family... each post every word we post is part of this place i hade no right to do that . for this i am truly sorry.. i can not un do it ...this will stick with me for a long time. in my thoughts.
now what have i learned from this??? ok i not 100% shure but what i can see or i think i see is this person wendy is
just so simpile and easy going careing and loveing fun and playfull.......and at the same time so complex and lost between what is and what can never be. i could be so in fokus then before i know it so off the wall. smart and stupid all at the same time. but i know this, i see this and sometime it's like watching from the side lines .not being in controll of what is going on.. i am trying to get it right, just what that is i don't know..
this i do know this faild purge has in some way left a inprent on me that .... for some time to come will stay with me.......
this will for shure take some time to sort out , the right answers ??????? sometimes i am clue less to the right questions...... trying ............4/1/2005
i have said in the past that i have never have purged yes that was true up untill 3/23/05 to 3/26/05. well i was in a panic
big time .so shure that was it time to go be done with it . questing all of this cd stuff . frist i started to rid my coumpter of all traces of
wendy....all my pictures deleated, gone . then 3 or 4 pages of pitcures on my user thing file gone tears in my eyes hands shakeing............knowing this was not right but as bad as it was tearing me appart...in some strange way it was right. so then
delete my avator.......gone just make her go away........
next them 5000 + posts got to go so i start ..... i did may be i don't know a cupple hunderd posts ...just way too manny to do........it just could not happen ..each one i deleted was harder to do than the last . stopped that gave up falied
now something i could do trash bags yes lots of them boxes storage bins pack all her things up. again so wrong but like a train out of controll no stopping. every thing packed up ready to get rid of her for good the pile of boxes and trash bags was just over wellming . ok that done all ready to go to good will all that going the next day 2 maybe 3 trips just not up to it now. packed and ready i can do this .
my mind raceing going a thousand miles a hour and nouthing regerestering. all i could think it is going to be so mutch better with out her ....now some contacts i have to have......e mails and that sort of thing .....almost no coumpter skills and
in a daze . wrighting them on little sticky pads every were what a mess . it just seamed to fit this whole thing was a mess
like thousands of times i have heard don't purge . pack it up put it away , save it and think abought it .real good thoughts but complety not regestering at all. how the hell can this be happening ???the answer it is the right thing to do. yes it is or why would i be doing it?? i want to get rid of her right ?? i need to do this ...i want to do this...a few contacts emails and pm's and a phone call ...breaking my thought prossess . good god go away and let me do this , it hurts so bad and this will go away when it's over,,,i shure of it no more we/us no her just "him" . the way it was ment to be......
words of common scence just bounced off me . on auto crash a few last things to then i could get rid of her for good my fav. sister gave her all my contact info even my him info ...wanted to stay in touch even if wendy was gone for good.
i needed to have this . more words of common scence still not getting through. you know who you are jj.
ok last thing to do and it's over done for good . befor i am gone need to clear the air . get things right then gone leveing this place .. for it's own good. .with out wendy every thing would just be better for every one. no troubles no pain no more being some one or something i am not..
a calm feeling now all plans some what on track almost over. whew getting a lot easyer now.. relife , peace i know this is right no anger no blame , no nouthing nicely numb right..............
last on the list seamed like it wasen't going to happen . trying in vain but to no use this did not seam like it would happen
feeling like a hole is in me and like it was the way it should be like it was ment to be.....resovled that it was not going to happen. then a replay tonight? yes good now we can close this thing and be done with it for good .
kinda like not nerves or any thing but like relived now just do this and be done with it what i thought could be done in a few quick minnettes took a long time (not complaneing it was good) took a while ....still moveing on with my plan to rid the whole wendy mess .. it was good it was right. up untill just abought done ... just something clicked and i said "this is not what i wanted to do" then what was i doing it for?? why???ok stop this train lets not do this end this now . thanks t.
numb relived and a little shell shocked . trying to recount and in some way make a bit of scance of what just happened.
now scared i haven't been wendy at all as all this was going on. she lay in my office in a pile of boxes and trash bags.
now could she be still in there some were or did she pack up and leave ?? that was more scarey than my faild purge
putting back her things over the next few days , kinda of half as- dressing not pushing it just easy slow and see what happens....
reading posts not posting mutch just well happy just to be here........scaning treads enjoying. a time for a little reflection , gather up thoughts.
thinking of what i did and almost did.now so wrong what i did my purge or faild purge i took , i stole from the veary place
and people that mean so mutch to me. the pitchures and posts that i deleated are gone for ever . a pice of this place i call
home....from people i call family... each post every word we post is part of this place i hade no right to do that . for this i am truly sorry.. i can not un do it ...this will stick with me for a long time. in my thoughts.
now what have i learned from this??? ok i not 100% shure but what i can see or i think i see is this person wendy is
just so simpile and easy going careing and loveing fun and playfull.......and at the same time so complex and lost between what is and what can never be. i could be so in fokus then before i know it so off the wall. smart and stupid all at the same time. but i know this, i see this and sometime it's like watching from the side lines .not being in controll of what is going on.. i am trying to get it right, just what that is i don't know..
this i do know this faild purge has in some way left a inprent on me that .... for some time to come will stay with me.......
this will for shure take some time to sort out , the right answers ??????? sometimes i am clue less to the right questions...... trying ............4/1/2005