Missing desire from your partner. How do you deal with it?

[Sejd]

So you finally realize you can't live without your skirt. You can't live without being who you are. During the day, I have to function as a man, that's OK, but after work, I want to be free to be Sejd. She looks like a woman for sure. AS time goes by, your wife loose interest, she's not lesbian, why should she be? Now I am feeling lonely because I don't feel her desire for me anymore. She miss the man she could get exicted abut. I miss feeling her desire which would fuel my own. I miss falling back and being taken by her. Now where is she suppose to go and where do I find that missing desire for my female self? This is the truth about Gender Dysphoria. It is hard to live with. No matter how much we love each other, we are done in by our sexuality interfering with our lives. I find it hard to live with, as beautiful as it is, it is hard to handle. If there was a pill or injection which could take this away from me, I would take it. Funny, but it makes me think about that other man JC who in his last minutes asked his father to take his fate away because it was too hard for him to handle, but no one came to his rescue. I have a hard time also, believing there is any logical happy rescue out of this one. How do you all feel tonight?
hugs
Sejd:sad:

[melissaK]

. . . . How do you all feel tonight?
hugs Sejd:sad:

Sorry you are so down Sejd. And goodness, you expressed the glumness of the gender disphoria predicament so well. It can be a "heavy cross to bear" so to speak. But as imminently logical as your post was, I suggest you missed elements that really matter. So, let me see if I can direct your gaze to the Eastern dawn light heralding a new day.

With the gender disphoria we have choices of sacrificing ourselves to stay closeted, or to step out and be brave about the changes we will encounter. Your succumbing to the changes that gender disphoria commands (we succumb when we come out) puts all your current relationships at risk. We see from the many stories on the forum from other girls that some relationships do not survive, some do.

And some of us find the emotional or economic price of change too great, and that on balance its less costly to purge and step back in the closet. That's sitting on the horns of a dilemma, and as you see, all the reasoning in the world will not deliver you from the reality that either path is gonna involve change. You change your resolve to not succumb, that hurts you; you change and succumb and the consequential changes to relationships hurts you.

I note you don't dress at work, so your relationship with your job, which gives you money and thus food, shelter, and security, remains a relationship you still sacrifice your disphoria desires to maintain.

In your relationship with your wife you are no longer sacrificing your disphoria desires and you are trying out the changes (wearing a skirt at home) and have put that relationship at risk. The one with your wife is one you care about greatly, but its not working out as you hoped.

Your account suggests to me that you are focusing, if not measuring, your whole life and sense of self, by your relationship with your wife. And that is pretty limiting. I do the same thing, so I'm not throwing a stone here. But, our lives are more than one relationship. People get divorced. People find new partners. It is a sad gut wrenching process, but we humans do it all the time. And, I don't mean to imply you should divorce or give up on the relationship - those decisions are yours to make. Just that you need to keep your fears about such changes in check against the reality of what the change is.

You are in the midst of such a change. The relationship change process has elements like the five stages of grieving over death of a loved one. Its full of uncertainty and fear, and its gonna hurt, but you can live through it.

All around you are people who experience and survive the unwanted changes life delivers to them. Today alone, thousands of fire affected Californians are doing just this. Not a one of them asked for the fire to consume their home. Not a one asked for their loved ones to be trapped and die in the fires. Another example, I saw in my morning paper that the Maytag factory in Iowa (or Kansas?) is closing - employees and a town are in mourning over the unwanted change the loss of the factory incomes will mean to them all.

We humans have to grieve and process the change. Its a gut wrentching process for us humans. But we do it, it is our way. You can too. And if you look to the East each morning, you will see the dawn bringing a new day, and with it proof that you have indeed survived the changes brought by yesterday.

hugs,
'lissa

[Di]

So you finally realize you can't live without your skirt. You can't live without being who you are. During the day, I have to function as a man, that's OK, but after work, I want to be free to be Sejd. She looks like a woman for sure. AS time goes by, your wife loose interest, she's not lesbian, why should she be? Now I am feeling lonely because I don't feel her desire for me anymore. She miss the man she could get exicted abut. I miss feeling her desire which would fuel my own.
hugs
Sejd:sad:

The thing I see is...and I am trying to look at it how your wife might feel...just from your post....you have to NOT dress for work................and that is ok....but you want to be free to be Sejd. with your free time....thats all good if your wive is on the same pg....it is hard to find a soul mate.................I do not think giving her some what she needs is asking to much.........you have to do that for work..............I am sure you can compromise giving her what she needs as well as your needs being met.
You have to decide what is important to you, how flexible you BOTH CAN be, how flexible you are WILLING to become, and how committed you are to each other and to the marriage.This goes both ways of course. I am sure you can figure out something that works between the two of you:hugs:

[penni]

Hi ya Sejd,

A sad but very real fact is that if someone decides to transition the desire from the Transsexual is also lost..the hormones take care of that.As a wife it then becomes a very lonely life also,a time of confusement,you still love your spouse ,but as you said many spouses are not Lesbian..what are they to do..open marriage for some I guess.But for people like me who love their spouse very much,I am at this time in moment willing to sacrifice the sexual side of the relationship.
I too am not turned on by women..however when Marie kisses my lips or hugs me tight,I am reminded that the person I chose to spend the rest of my days is still there,just in another wrapping.
Life takes many turns and unfortunately sometimes when we find true happiness for ourselves it means another loses theirs.Perhaps Sejd this is a test...that there is much to lose for you both should you dress 24/7.If you are a Transsexual however then there is no choice and sadly for you to gain your own acceptance as well as your true self,then yes much of your relationship you have now will change.
But as I say to Marie my partner who has been transitioning for 24 months,give me time to explore myself and as you change physically and I can pleasure you,perhaps together we will find new meaning for showing our love in an initmate way.

Hugs Penny

[Julie York]

How hard is it to sacrifice a little of your 'true self' to show some affection for your wife? You act false all day because you have a purpose to fulfill at work. And yet you have an even bigger purpose to fulfill at home.

[Sejd]

I guess, and I understand, that I am the only one who can come up with solutions. And what you all suggest might work for you, but not for me. I just wanted to share how difficult I sometimes find this state of being. About work, work is survival, and I am sure everyone here knows how close to impossible it is to walk into a job interview as a guy/woman in a dress!!!!! doesn't set the stage for success in most cases. About the hormone question, for me that's not an option, althoug I respect those who choose to go that route. And surgery? I have been messed up by a surgeon once, for what was supposed to be a minor ear operation. the surgeon may have had a bad day, who knows. Just think of what would happen if you go in for gender corrective surgery and the surgeon has a bad day???? you are fu.... forever. Quite honestly, I feel woman enough in my soul not to feel the need for invasive surgery or popping pills everyday. No offense to anyone, this is my very own personal take on this. Again, however we look at it. It feels like a tough journey although I have no option not to ride it. About changing the wife out? moving on? with almost 30 years of partnership and three kids, it's out of the question for me. I rather think of living a more open relationship where each has some privacy in the "need" department. that's ofcourse also not easy, I know, but it seems to work for some. thanks to those of you who took time to read my stuff.
hugs
Sejd:hugs:

[Sharon]

Unfortunately, I don't see a way that things will change for you as things stand now, at least change for the better. As others have stated above, you are willing to sacrifice to be a man in your career so you can earn a living. I can understand that. But, on the other hand, you are unwilling or unable to do so for your wife. That just shows that you have priorities, and your wife's feelings mean less to you than your career and income, no matter what your protestations may be. That is also fine, but just try to be realistic about things.

Relationships almost always suffer for those TGs who are attempting to transition. But, then again, you really aren't transitioning, are you? It's just at home, when you are with your wife.

I am sure there is much more to this than you write, or at least in what I am understanding, but denial begets depression which begets more of the same or worse. What your denial is exactly, I am uncertain.

[jaina]

Sjed, it is quite common to reach a point in your life where you hit the wall. Where this compromise is the last one I can make and still live.

Do not let people belittle you for making one compromise to survive but not make a another one somewhere else.
Many people also take the Non-Op route. Surgury, even in my home country is more available, but still only an option for the very rich.

[Scotty]

Seems to be the recurring theme here....
Been there with an SO...luckily we're still good friends but I'm single again.

I honestly would have to say if there's one trait I'm sure we all shared a BIT of it's probably Narcissism.

For those curious what that means here's a Wikipipedia page, including a hermephrodite statue figure....so I guess it does apply, and maybe throughout history has applied.

I am sorry for what you are going through though!!

Been there....and a lot of us have gone, or are still going, through this.

Narcissism on Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism)

[Stephenie S]

Dear Sjed,

We are in the same boat, so to speak, but slightly different.

My wife was coping well with my transition UNTIL I transitioned at work. When I stopped WORKING as a man, suddenly I was presenting as female 24/7. This turned out to be the straw that broke the camels back for her. She announced that something had to change. So now, when I come home, I put away the feminine trappings of my work day and try to appear more masculine for her at home. I can't do anything about my nails and hair, but I take off the bra and put on a shirt and jeans. I still try and cook supper for her and take care of her all I can, but I just try and tone down my feminine side while I am home.

An interesting contrast, don't you think?

She has started therapy, which I hope will help, and I am pushing for couples therapy also. We are both deeply committed to our marriage so I am hoping we can work this out.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[loriannetucson]

Yes, a common topic I see.

I was going to post concerning the same problem with my wife and I. Confusion? Not from me. I am more certain than ever that this is the direction I need to go in order to survive. For her the confusion is that she told me this very evening that she has lost all attraction to me...the desire to kiss, cuddle, and hold, and all because of my body changes. The breast growth is what bothers her the most, and she sees the growth through any shirt I wear now and it distracts her greatly. Many TG girls would want to have that much growth as a compliment, and I do feel very happy with the growth. It's just that from what I've heard and am really beginning to see, the "straw that broke the camel's back" is the breast (t)issue.

She says she's been trying to deal with it and cope but that it has finally come to a head and she's in severe depression over it. Before I have a pity party or do anything rash, I am sitting here at 12 in the AM feeling the need for reason and calm. Where I go from here is a huge unknown. I cannot purge my hormones and go back to being mostly male. As it stands, I wear MOSTLY men's clothing especially when I'm around her, and that now is obviously not the issue.

What really upsets me about all this is that I see one thing clear: that beauty is INDEED skin deep.

[Sarahgurl371]

Sejd I am sorry to read that your relationship is suffering with your wife. I can understand where you are coming from. My wife and I have been "there" for over two years now. I miss her touch very much. We are currently "trying" again to figure things out and see if we can find a common place to exist and be happy with each other.

My wife may have a more pronounced objection than yours. I do not ever dress in front of her. In fact, I don't ever push this issue with her unless the pressure to "talk" builds up too greatly. Just the fact that I am "T?" is enough for her to not want to be with me. She wants to go back to when she new nothing of my issues. I wish we could. I wish I could. But like someone else stated earlier, things change. We can only control how we adapt to it.

She says I am not the same person I used to be. I swear that I am. She just knows what is in my head now. So I depseratley long for her to love me, and want me. As I am the same. What a wonderful feeling it would be to have her accept me for me. And to not have to hide my thoughts. I absolutely understand why she doesn't. The only thing for us to figure out is if there is a way to get back there.

I wish I had an answer for you. For me as well. Yes, this is hard.

[Felix]

Omg! I can relate to all of this. What is strange is my ex new from quite early on in the relationship of certain thoughts I had which are quite private but she knew that I knew these things could not be reality in the logical sense so I just locked them in my mind. It is confusing for ya SO whether lesbian or not and if she sees ya as a man then she will want ya as a man. Like a lesbian wants a lesbian it seems to me. If the boundaries become blared for people sometimes they can't cope and then loose their feeling for you as you are and want what ya was. I compromised a lot in my relationship always leaving the lead to her I constantly checked that what I was doing was ok with her if it wasn't then I didn't go there end of. I always wanted balance or maybe ya could say compromise. In the end she wanted a real lesbian not one who is spiritually female and in its mind is male somehow. I might be wrong but she said clearly 'I am a lesbian' that said it all and I said well so am I don't think she could see it that way but think maybe she is coming round a bit now. Hope this has helped it is about compromise and if that fails then sometimes the only way is out sorry Hun that may sound harsh but it true sometimes xx Felix

[kerrianna]

Sejd, I'm in a very similar place to you. While I don't dress at work, I do partly present in ways I keep thinking aren't noticable but probably are. To others it merely comes across as confusing, gender-bending or just plain eccentric...which is fine as I've never been afraid of being known as eccentric.

But I HAVE to dress as much as I can at home. It's my sanctuary from the world. It's the one place I can be myself. Until, and if, I ever transition that's the way it will be. My SO understands that, and fortunately for me she's always liked my non-masculine side. Still, I know it has interfered with our intimacy, although so have her health issues, so it's hard to say exactly what affects what.

I still pretty much do all the things I did before in my more traditional role as a male - scraping my knuckles on car engines so the blood and grease mixes as nothing gets fixed, hammering my thumb while the nails go in crooked and the fence still falls down, taking apart the toaster so I can fix it so it will never work again....:rolleyes: . The big difference is I usually do them looking prettier than before, and I find I don't get as frustrated or curse as much, which my partner REALLY appreciates.

In short I am happier and more pleasant as a person, and I guess this is a trade-off for us. We still cuddle and hug and touch...we just aren't as randy as we used to be... but 23 yrs together (and the health and presentation issues) do make other things more important.

Relationships always change like this, whether there are issues that come up or not. Living in denial means not accepting that they have changed and not making the effort to re-adjust with them. There are going to be some nasty bumps and bad days, but open communication, respect and love will help you both understand and work things out. And it is possible that with any relationship, even great ones, there comes a time when two people must take their seperate roads if they are to fulfill their lives. Some things just can't be worked around, and being trans is a huge challenge to both of you. I wish you both the best. Keep talking.

BTW, I totally understand where you are in terms of feeling whole enough as it is. The thing is, sometimes that makes it harder for people to accept how serious we are. When they see you switching back and forth and not choosing to make physical changes, they think you must not be truly TS or serious. You and I know that is the farthest thing from the truth, but it is something some people just don't get : the non (or semi) transitioning TS. It's like the Loch Ness Monster.

Nessie knows she exists...but because others can't see her they have their doubts. But for her to surface could be dangerous and she might be well and happy in the deep, quite content.

If I were to make the physical changes then others would think I was serious, to be taking the risks and costs involved. But in most ways, on most days (not all!), I do feel very at home with myself and I am choosing a compromise. I'm still in a partnership and from talking with my SO I realize that making physical changes could be a breaking point. Until my unhappiness and GD outweighs the good stuff, there is no reason for me to travel down that road.

[Sejd]

Hi Karrianna
thanks, you really hit the nail! That's exactly how I feel. Your posting warmed my heart.
hugs
Sejd:love: