Transcongregational matters...

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

So I had an interesting experience today at church. Since I got to college, I've been attending (whenever I can) a United Church of Christ church that's a lovely walkable five minutes from my dorm, and I really like the congregation. The service is very traditional (none of that contemporary worship BS) and most of the congregation (I'd wager somewhere between 80-90%) is 50+ years old. I love it. (Yes, I'm weird. I tend to get along with people my parents' age better than my own.) At any rate, they all know me as RJ the college freshman. Until today, I had no idea (no one had said anything one way or the other) what gender most of them perceived me to be, but I kind of assumed they thought I was a guy, because I was always in guy mode around them and... hmm... I'm not sure, I guess I just got those vibes from people. That and some of the high school girls were checking me out :p

Well, anyway, last Sunday I decided to transfer my membership from my old church to this one and talked to our minister about the paperwork. He gave it to me and it was just a one-page sheet asking my basic information (name, age, previous congregation, sex) along with some other relevant questions. I answered everything except for the sex (I refuse to fill that out on any forms anymore. It's not anyone's business but mine!) but I was slightly stumped on the name. I knew all my paperwork at home was definitely under my girl name and they would deny ever having an RJ in their congregation. So..... I put in my legal name and then explained the situation to my minister. He was completely chill w/ it. He just asked, "so, when did you make this change?" and I explained that it was recent, but important to me. He just nodded and promised to introduce me as RJ.

Well, this Sunday they had a huge ceremony for all the new members (apparently there were 13 other people joining along with me) and, true to his word, he introduced me as RJ and he! On the one hand, this makes me very happy, I get to be me at church and not worry, but on the other hand, at the reception afterwards, it became very clear to me that these people don't know that I'm not biologically male. So... I don't know what to do now. Part of me wants to just make friends with them and get to know them better as RJ the (bio?)guy and then out myself later, and part of me wants to just do something drastic like join the choir and ask to sing soprano (my range is pretty large... I can sing anything from tenor on up to soprano) which will lead to some obvious questions. Advice???

The other component of this is that I'm kind of floundering with my faith at the moment. I'm really not sure what I believe anymore... I grew up Presbyterian, turned into a hardcore atheist at 15, and then "found God" later that year and became hardcore Christian. Now... I don't know... I've been calling myself a "follower of Christ" recently because I really don't want to be associated with mainstream Christianity as it has manifested itself in America right now... but that's a whole other issue. I don't know... any advice on soul-searching? And also what I should do about my congregation? :strugglin

[bi_weird]

Well yay for your minister being really cool. That's gotta be neat to be accepted at your church like that. I don't really know what to say about you outing yourself to the church...except that I think that it's cool that you want to. *laughs* The agonistic in me says "Embrace your confusion", to all of your questions. But that's my cop-out answer to everything.

[Kieron Andrew]

So... I don't know what to do now.

Personally IMO you are being taken in your preferred gender, you dont have to do a thing, if they are happily perceiving you as male whether it be they see you as GM or whether they see you as FtM and are respectful of that fact does it matter? if it was me i wouldnt do a thing, but thats just me.....

[Cai]

I'd go with letting them see you as RJ the guy. I'm glad the minister was so cool about everything, but there are people in the congregation who might not be.

Plus what I discovered (from going to church and being in a similar situation) is that there's nothing like having a place you can go where you can really be seen as a guy.

As far as faith goes, I hate to say it, but only you can know those answers. Other people can tell you what works for them, but you have to find what works for you.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Oh geesh....what's the problem? You are a guy, you are seen as a guy.....enjoy the acceptance (don't ruin a good thing).

As far as faith goes, I can relate bigtime. Was a Southern Baptist minister. Then swore I would never be Southern Baptist again because of a doctrinal issue that bordered on heresy. Then I got outted and I had to start over ("attending church" wise). Then I had to resolve the "who am I does God still love me" crisis. Now I just want to be me when I worship (again, lucky you !!! ).

I'm here if you want a long chat sometime on faith stuff.


Emily Ann

[ZenFrost]

I'm going to quote Micah Bazant on what he said about being out:


'Trans people have a huge range of ways that we navigate the world, based on preference and necessity.
Transphobia functions very differently than homophobia; being ‘out’ is not necessarily desirable or possible for us. Being a trans ally means supporting people in being more safe and healthy – which may mean anything between letting everyone they meet know they are trans, to keeping their gender history entirely confidential. Its crucial to support people in being as ‘out’, ornot, as they need to be.
There are many situations in which being ‘out’ could have serious negative repercussions; transpeople are killed every year just because other people find out they are trans. Revealing someone’s trans status could cost them a job, a relationship, or their physical safety.
Many transpeople are perceived 100% of the time as their preferred gender, and no one would ever suspect they had been through a gender transition at some point. Some of these folks prefer never to be ‘out’ as trans and, in fact, may not even consider themselves ‘trans.’ This is a completely valid choice among the huge spectrum of gender diversity. If you know someone who’s trans experience is completely private, respect them by honoring that privacy.
Some of us are most comfortable being ‘out’ as trans all the time, some of us may never reveal our trans status to anyone.
Do not assume that just because you know us in one way, that we are able to, or choose to, live that way in every other part of our lives. Some of us express our gender in different ways in different parts of our lives. For example, we may not be able to find work as the gender we truly are. Or we may only find peace by living some of the time in a more masculine gender and some of the time as more feminine.
For myself, even though I hate being called “she,” if someone refers to me that way, I might or might not correct them depending on many variables: whether I’m going to have to see them again, how confident I feel, who I’m with, how much backup I have, etc.
Think about when and why you ‘out’ someone as trans. Are you talking about your ‘trans friend’ just to prove how open and hip you are? Is it necessary to out this person, or are you doing it for your own personal reasons?

You don't have to come out to the people at your church. Not telling a partner is a another matter entirely, but in this instance I think you have every right to keep your own secrets.

[CaptLex]

I'm going to quote Micah Bazant on what he said about being out.
Excellent and appropriate quote, Zen. I couldn't have put it better myself. :thumbsup:

RJ, I think you should do whatever you feel most comfortable doing in this situation. You may not know exactly what that is yet, but you'll figure it out. I think of my trans status as just another piece of the total picture that is me - like my age, profession, marital status or sexual orientation. And that's all stuff that I can reveal to anyone if and when I choose, but it's nobody's business unless and until I decide it is. Take your time, you'll figure it out. :happy:

[Anthony Jake]

I can see the kind of question about this, as in, in a church you want to base relationships upon truth and honesty as that is what is expected and generally how most people want to act.. lying isnt a good thing and can cause more unwanted bother than it is worth.

Being percieved as RJ you're not specifically lying, you're merely being accepted as who you feel you are and who you're comfortable being.

I can understand where your coming from in that you want to be seen and known as RJ but in a way you feel like you are being dishonest to the people who you are meeting at church; and you dont want to base relationships on dishonest because you value truth - thus you feel guilty over that. I dont think that you should though, because in the end, everyone has the right to be who they are and the worse thing people can do is to judge on that. So, as much as you feel the guilt for not being totally 'out' to them, if they did turn around and judge you for it, surely that is just as bad.

I cant really help you on the what to believe front because i truely dont know myself. At school i studied religion and that didnt give me any more answers.. i think really the only person who can help you is yourself on this one.. and i also dont think that there is any right or wrong beliefs, people are entitled to belive in what they like as fair as religion goes.. what powers there may be etc etc.. i dont think they should push it onto others, nor should they judge anyone on what anyone believes - if that makes sense. So, conforming to a set belief or set or religious rules i dont think is necassary.. people should feel free to worship in their own way; as who they are and where they want, safe in the knowlegde that no judgements are being cast. :D

[Cai]

Being percieved as RJ you're not specifically lying, you're merely being accepted as who you feel you are and who you're comfortable being.

That's how I see it - that these are the first people (at my church) that can meet my real identity. In a way, I'm being more truthful with them.