Caught dressed by my wife

[PaulaJeanette]

Well, my wife finally knows. It was bound to happen. Today, she returned home earlier than expected and caught me dressed in my lingerie...bra, panties, pantyhose, corset, teddy, and heels. I had thought I heard the sound of the front door opening and had gone to the spare bedroom doorway to investigate. Just as I got to the doorway, she came around the corner. As I stood before her with no where to go or hide, all I said was "I'm sorry".

The look on her face was one of disbelief and shock. I will not forget it. Although she has known of my desires to dress in women's lingerie, she had NEVER seen me wearing anything other than a pair of her panties. About 2 years ago, she found my black waist nipper in our bedroom and confronted me with it. Initially she had thought I was having an affair, so being caught AND not wanting her to believe I had been unfaithful in our marriage, I confessed that I had been a transvestite all of my younger and adult life. I told her I would dress whenever no one else was at home. It began to make sense to her...the many times she or another member of the household had returned home only to find me in the master bathroom and making a somewhat lame excuse about what I had been doing or why the blinds were all closed.

After her hasty retreat, I quickly stripped out of my underwear and changed into my male attire. I found her seated downstairs with a blank stare and tears welling in her eyes. I moved to a seat across from her and said "now you know the whole truth about me." "There is nothing else."

Although, like many of us, I had feared and dreaded this moment, I was somewhat relieved that it was over. I spent the next 30 minutes listening to her wrath of how deceitful I had been, how I had lied, and how I had endangered our marriage (I truly hope not). "How and what can I look forward to being married to you". She asked "what if it had been one of the kids?" (who are my stepson and stepdaughter; two terrific young adults). "They would have been devastated to see you dressed in that outfit." She also raised the question of my being gay to which I responded "NO".

Throughout this time, I kept silent; I didn't offer a defense and remained in a very apologetic mode. I had hurt her deeply...I realized that and no amount of whatever I said would lessen that pain. Being married for 14 years, I've learned to let her get thru her anger. She told me to get "those things out of this house." So, after she left the house, I again hid them in the garage under some boxes. I'm really hoping that she will not press me to throwout all of my femme clothing which consists mainly of lingerie.

I want to stay married to her and will tell her that. She is a wonderful woman, a terrific mother, and a super wife! I will tell her that as well!

Right now, I'm awaiting her return. I want to work this out between us, so wish me luck!

Paula J

[Richelle]

Paula,

I wish you and your wife the best as you work through this.

Since you said you want to stay married I have one suggestion that you may not want to hear. If she asks if you still have feminine clothing my suggestion is to tell her the truth. It will be a lot worse if you just hide them and she latter finds them. You will destroy all trust.

I am speaking from experience. My wife has very little trust in me now due to being caught lying.

Again the best of luck and we are all here for you.

Richelle

[brandi]

Paula ,

I certainly hope everything works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Good Luck and God Bless

Brandi

[StephanieCD]

Sounds like you handled it wonderfully. The only advise I can offer is consider her tone when she told you to get those things out of the house. If they turned up in the garage it could be the last deceitful straw. Unless that's what she intended?

[trinity24]

I really feel for you. And it pisses me off, that people just can't be openminded about the stuff. I mean - what harm are you doing? Why do you have to be sorry? Because you cross-dress? It's not your fault - you didn't choose to become a CD - you were born one. I guess the only fault on your side, is the fact that you weren't open with her about it - but then again, judging by her reaction - why should you be in the first place? You have nothing to be sorry about - wifebeaters, cheaters, and parasites are "people" who really have a reason to be sorry - but not you.

[Virginia]

Yet another example of our greatest fears! I am far from being one to tell others how to live, but............. Your wife's reaction is textbook!! Gay and deceit! The gay part is fairly easy to get around, but for GG's the crossdressing is initially secondary to the deceit of not telling her your "secret." Women are marvelous creatures, they can put up with a lot, but they want us to share EVERYTHING with them, no matter what!!!! If she is able to get over the deceit aspect, that you had a secret that you were unwilling to share with her, then, then the reality of what your secret is will hit home so she has to take two very, very hard gut shots! This is where you find out just what a woman she really is. I have to be brutally honest with you, you are in for a, hopefully long period of unhappiness. You know the old adage,"If momma ain't happy ain't nobody gonna be happy!"
To anyone else reading this who is in the closet - HELLO!!!???
I could write books on this but that has already been done so read, study, see where you are in your realtionship. Are you going to live the rest of your life in fear - is it worth it to you - to her?? Think about it girls it is not easy, what are you going to do about it????
Paula, as a service to your sisters here, I would hope that you will be able to continue to post and let us all know what goes on. It is important to a lot of your sisters here who may be struggling at or near the same plight.
God Speed, Girl!
Virginia

[Holly]

Paula,
I feel so bad for you... and your wife. Hopefully, once she has had a chance to cool down a bit, the two of you will be able to sit down and discuss it in a more rational manner. You said that she had found some of your things in the past, but I am assuming that she had never seen you dressed (other than in her panties) before. Because of the surprise encounter, I'm certain that she was shocked when she did see you. Hopefully, some of the words she spoke were due to that shock.

The two of you have invested 14 years into this relationship. You must be absolutely 100% honest with her... and she with you. Please know that we are here to support you AND your wife. As Virginia said, what you learn from this experience could be invaluable information to other girls here. If you could continue to post, I'm sure that it would be genuinely appreciated by many.

[DonnaT]

About 2 years ago, she found my black waist nipper in our bedroom and confronted me with it. Initially she had thought I was having an affair, so being caught AND not wanting her to believe I had been unfaithful in our marriage, I confessed that I had been a transvestite all of my younger and adult life. I told her I would dress whenever no one else was at home.

If you had already told her all this, what is the problem other than she never saw you fully dressed before.

When she calms down, remind that you had already told her.


I spent the next 30 minutes listening to her wrath of how deceitful I had been, how I had lied, and how I had endangered our marriage (I truly hope not). "How and what can I look forward to being married to you".

Remind her that nothings changed. She knew before this incident. Just because she caught you doesn't change who you are or have been. Ask her how she THINKS this is going to change you from how good a husband you've been all these years.

I hope things go well for you. Remember, no holding back now.

[Midnight_Minx]

I often find myself questioning things like this, as it's not seen as anything strange, to find a female dressing in boxers, wearing guys pants, and shirts -- but, it's hell if a guy decides to dress in femme. Hm.

Best of luck with this though -- If you can work through it, your relationship should be stronger because of it.

Luv

~Viv~

[CindyT]

The worst fear for all of us closet types!! My wife has found my panties on a few occasions and thought I had another woman, so I just explained that I like to wear these womens panties and she wasn't happy but she just sort of let it go eventually.

I know this has to be quite traumatic for you, but we are all here for help if you need us!


Do keep us informed! The crisis line is always open!



CindyT

[MarieTS]

Join the club, Paula-- my wife recently found my stash, which quite frankly I stopped trying to hide. Much of the same reaction you experienced, but maybe more understanding and accepting. None the less I feel awkward and just can't bring myself to share the real "me". I wish I could just disappear and totally morph into the gal I really am. :o

[Rikki]

Paula,
I am sorry that your wife had been so upset about seeing you. I can understand what she means about the children coming in, but she had already known so she shouldn't ask you to get rid a the things. Just take things slow now and good luck. I hope that the two of you can work it out to a comforting level for both of you.


Good luck
Rikki

[Sharon]

I don't understand this. You told your wife two years ago about being a transvestite, but now she says that you've deceived her?
Have you said anything to her in the intervening years about this? Was your wife led to believe you no longer wear female clothing?
All I can suggest is for you to begin communicating with your wife. If she respects you, and you treat her so, she needs to hear what you have to say. Just be calm, honest, and persistent. Tell her that you are still the same person she thought you were, but that you will now be more cautious about when and where you dress.
Good luck!!

[Carrah]

You may find it helpful to remind your wife that you have no problem with her dressing as a guy! You see, the whole concept behind what men wear and what women wear was designed by mankind, as we were all wearing the same thing at one point in time, which of course consited of nothing at all. Up until let's say the early 50's, men wore pants and women wore dresses - men wore shirts and women wore blouses - men wore underwear and women wore panties - and so it goes. Today, however, women often dress in mens clothing and don't give it a second thought, while men are still for some reason restricted to mens clothing. I'm sure your wife has no problem putting on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and probably doesn't give much thought to whether they are mens jeans or a mans t-shirt. I'll bet if you check her wardrobe, you'll find at least one pair of pants that either zipper or button on the "wrong" side and I don't know of a single female that doesn't have a mans t-shirt in her drawer or closet. Further, I'll bet your wife would have no problem seeing a man in a g-string at the local male strip club while out with her girlfreinds! Have you ever heard her complain of the g-strings Tarzan and Hercules wore? I doubt it! Or the skirts the Irish men wear?

My daughter regularly wears mens t-shirts and mens shoes for their wider sizes. She and for that matter, no one else gives it a second thought when she's in the mens shoe department looking at and trying on mens shoes and sneakers. Now, can you imagine the shock on everyones face were I to sit down in the women's shoe department to try on a pair of heals? The whole thing is all one sided and it's all on the woman's side.

I would suggest you stop trying to apologize to her and start pointing out a few simple truths and realities. Don't allow this to become a tool for her to use against you, as women are always in search of a tool to manipulate their partners with. You have nothing to apologize for. Were she more open minded to begin with, you wouldn't have felt compelled to hide it from her. So, in reality, you're decete was in fact based upon your lack of trust in her! Yet she has spun this into her now apparent lack of trust in you! Now, how did THAT happen?

A real man; a man of faith, conviction, and with high self-esteem and confidence in himself; a man in control of his life will first and foremost accept himself for who and what he is and won't feel compelled to apologize for it! A real man; a strong man; a man of strength and courage won't attempt to hide his feminine side from anyone and for those who haven't come to terms with this simple truth yet, know that no human being is 100 percent male or 100 percent female and a further, yet simple truth, is that women are more male than men are female, as women were created from man and science backs this.

Your wife is being rather self-absorbed and selfish right now, thinking only of herself and not of you. Right now, this is all about her; how this affects her and what this means to her, how it might effect her relationship, and how it could effect "her" children were they to find out. Living life in a fantasy land isn't healthy for anyone and right now, like I said, your wife could use a dose of reality.

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house. If you run when you see a police officer, he's going to chase you; he'll assume you've done something wrong. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE FROM THIS! Don't throw your clothes away and don't hide them, either. If your wife wants to leave you because of what you wear, quite frankly your relationship sucks anyway! There isn't a single one of us that would leave our wives because they cut their hair short, put on a Yankee's ball cap, slam a beer down now and then, nail a shot of Jack Daniels, or put on a pair of mens Rebocks.

Look, all men play with themselves, all men have a femine side, and all men wonder at some point in time what it would be like to mess with another man - it's just human nature...

[Natasha Anne]

This is a routine occurence for me, even though my wife of 9 years knew about me 15 years ago.

Don't focus on yourself and your rights. Acknowledge her feelings, after all she was shocked and surprised. Her feelings are real to her. Take the time to remind her you love her dearly, and that you have no need to usurp her role in the relationship.

If she comes around, be prepared for her to go off the rails at random intervals and be prepared to remind her of those things time and time again.

The only thing I don't compromise on is who I am (I'm just honest about that) and I never let my wife ask me things like, "what if the kids". That's just transferring the issue somewhere else, rather than confronting her own feelings.

It's a tough path we've chosen for ourselves, but it is manageable.

[Tamara Croft]

Your wife is being rather self-absorbed and selfish right now, thinking only of herself and not of you. Right now, this is all about her; how this affects her and what this means to her, how it might effect her relationship, and how it could effect "her" children were they to find out. Living life in a fantasy land isn't healthy for anyone and right now, like I said, your wife could use a dose of reality.

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house.
Just what century are you living in?? Yes she knew about the crossdressing, but even so, knowing and seeing a man dressed in womens clothing comes as a shock. Do you have any idea of what goes through a womans mind when she first sees this?? Paula has the support of this forum, who does the wife have?? Who does she talk to about it?? We don't live in cave man times anymore you know, a marriage is based on love and honesty. Talking this through with her when she has calmed down would be a good start and getting everything out in the open. Be honest with her and don't pull that macho 'Im the man of the house' crap on her either. As for hiding your clothes, well she already thinks you decieved her, doing this will only make things worse. I hope you can sort things out with her, 14 years of marriage is a long time just to throw away.

Tamara x

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Paula,

I can understand the shock your wife felt when seeing you,even though you told her you were a TV.Her reaction is to the shock,not you.It is definately time for a serious discussion with her once both of you have cooled off.You can work through the issues if you both are willing to listen to each other.
This forum is a great support network and you will get lots of advice from people who really care and have been though some of the same problems.
I hid my crossdressing for 46 years and after joining this forum I found the courage to come out to my wife.I answered the usuall questions and we seriously discussed my CDing and what effect it could have on both of us.Marriage is a partnership and will only work if you both communicate with each other.Try to see her viewpoint as she should try to see yours.compromise if you must but don't throw away a marriage,it takes work to make things right.
And for Gods sake don't use the I'm the man of the family crap.
Keep us all informed it will be a great help to others in similar situations.Good luck,you are not alone.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[Sharon]

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house. If you run when you see a police officer, he's going to chase you; he'll assume you've done something wrong. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE FROM THIS! Don't throw your clothes away and don't hide them, either. If your wife wants to leave you because of what you wear, quite frankly your relationship sucks anyway! There isn't a single one of us that would leave our wives because they cut their hair short, put on a Yankee's ball cap, slam a beer down now and then, nail a shot of Jack Daniels, or put on a pair of mens Rebocks.

You're not married, are you? And how old are you anyway? 90? This is the 21st Century. Don't you think it's time to start evolving a bit?

[Sweet Susan]

"You're not married, are you? And how old are you anyway? 90? This is the 21st Century. Don't you think it's time to start evolving a bit?" Sharon

I don't know Sharon. I think the heart of Carrah's statement has some basis, if not just basically truthful. Sometimes flat out truthfulness is what matters. While I wouldn't go so far as to claim I'm the man of the house, etc. I think that knowing that you are at least equal in this relationship should mean something. I find that allowing a woman to demand manhood from her husband while she stands there in men's clothes is rather ridiculous when I think about it. I also believe that the major reason that men are ashamed to be transvestites isn't as much from what other men think, but how women have conditioned men to think about themselves over time. Women's only strength up until the late 1950s was nothing but manipulation, manipulation in all of its fashions. So, in some cases, to allow a woman to sit on the couch and tear up and make accusations about lieing, deceit, etc, is just another manifestation of their ability to conquer via manipulation. And I've been married since Jesus was a corporal.

[caroline_cd_99]

Wow Paula. I went through the exact same thing about 6 months ago. After letting my wife vent for about an hour, I asked her if it would have been easier for her to deal with this, if her discovery would have been something like me having inoperable brain cancer, or discovering I was a drug addict. She still has not accepted my cross-dressing, in fact she found some of my jewelry the other day and told me to choose dressing as a woman, or her. I told her this has been a part of me for 28+ years, I have quit before, only to come back to it. She has not responded to this comment yet.

I wish you the best.

[Deelite]

I have dredded about this situation like most of us, being caught dressed up, i did have to make sure i was in normal boring clothes half an hour before my girlfriend came in from work for fear of being caught. (been together 9 years).

But a few weeks ago, i had to tell my girlfriend about my 'secret dressing', because of the pressure it was putting on us as a couple, it nearly finished us, and now, as hard as it was to tell her, she took it way way better than i thought she would!

The main problem for her (as for your wife) was that i had lied to her for 9 years, NOT that i dressed in womens underwear and boots.

She understands that i have these desires to dress, and as long as she does'nt see it, she does'nt mind.

This has taken an immense amount of pressure off me, and as a result we are getting on really well as a result.

So now for you, now it's in the open, and although you did'nt want this to happen this way, with time your wife will hopefully come to terms with your dressing.

I really hope you and your wife sort things out, and she understands your needs.

Dee.

[Helana]

I don't know Sharon. I think the heart of Carrah's statement has some basis, if not just basically truthful. Sometimes flat out truthfulness is what matters.

I have to agree with you Susan. While I don't agree with some of Carrah's statements, her point of view is refreshingly black and white and reminds us of some simple truths such as-

CDers have to accept who they are, be comfortable with it and come out of the closet. They should never feel guilty or have to apologize for being a CD.
At some point you have to tell your SO, and the sooner the better, preferably near the beginning of the relationship.

The majority of women are still disgusted at the idea of feminine dressed men because their social conditioning of what to expect from a male partner has not progressed much over the last decades. While men know to no longer expect a subservient girl in petticoats to answer to his every dersire, women's expectations of men is that they still have to be the "man" in the house and to look the part. A re-assessment of men's roles/behaviour in relationships from a women's point of view is long overdue.

A relationship has two people. So once a SO gets over the shock of the discovery, the discussion should be about the happiness of both parties and incorporating what is a harmless and often beneficial behaviour into their lifestyles. For a wife to continue to deny her husband's emotional needs and happiness is to reject part of him, to make him continue to feel guilty and ashamed, and place pressure on him that the future of the relationship depends on him giving up crossdressing.

Essentially she is telling him is that her love for him is insufficient to overcome her social conditioning of what manhood is, or her love for him is insufficient to overcome the potential loss of her reputation in her community. Either way, her reaction to the news her SO crossdresses is very revealing about her character and ability to love.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i showed my wife the first week we met that i dress,,, got it all out and in the open so no secrets about who i was,, then it was up to her to stay or leave,, we been together now for 11 yrs :D

[Helana]

Just what century are you living in?? Yes she knew about the crossdressing, but even so, knowing and seeing a man dressed in womens clothing comes as a shock.
Hi Tamara. Now I know why your avatar has lightning bolts running through it! Just playing devil's advocate here but why should it be a shock. Why was it that she never asked him to see him dressed? It seems that she herself wanted to avoid the whole issue rather than address it when it first arose.


Do you have any idea of what goes through a womans mind when she first sees this?? Paula has the support of this forum, who does the wife have?? Who does she talk to about it??
The lack of support is an issue you rightly raise regularly. My question is why are women so hesitant to form their own self support groups? There are millions of women who have CD partners but never seek out help. Is admitting that their partners crossdress so terrible that they suffer in silence. It appears that they women will not even discuss this matter with their best friends.

[Danni]

Boy has this happened to me! I started Dressing as a Teenager and only ocasionally dated until I met my future wife. After an on again off again relationship she moved in wirh me. She found several Girly thing in the dresser and I told her. She said it wasn`t fair yhat I had nicer Lingerie than she. we went out to shop bought several oufits that was 28 years ago. We don`t dress that much now due to other Family living in the house so we take our Playthings and spend the weekend at a local Casino with rooms. I guess I am a very lucky Girl. Danni :)

[Lindahexi]

WOW Carrah that is one of the best posts I've seen regarding the subject of this thread. For once somebody has spoken out for the guy and said it as it is. I will probably be in the wrong for saying this, but I applaud your frankness and honesty.

Paula Jeanette, you have my sympathy, I understand what you are going through, but Carrah sure makes a lot of sense.

Linda

[KarenXDR]

Ah, the Forum has come through once again!

There are some wonderful and thought provoking responses above....except for those who gloat that they're not in that circumstance - and were smart enough to get everything clear up front...well, woopee for you...that doesn't help our sister one bit.

You now have a credibility issue -BUT as pointed out, numerous articles and books are available on the subject - and right at your fingertips: the Internet has more support groups and literature than you can shake a stick at. Your wife thinks her world has collapsed - and she's married to one of a dozen freaks in this world. Since she won't believe you any longer, it's time to introduce outside "authority" in the form of the aforementioned books and literaure. You have to show IMMEDIATELY that you're one OF millions - not one IN A million. This is the first step in her getting over the "poor me" syndrome. Which, by the way, she is entitiled to.

And the clothes? Yes, get them the hell off the premises. You appear to have some expensive clothes, so weigh the cost of a rental closet to the cost.

Good luck. Prayers, indeed.


And keep us informed - besides the help available here, there's a lesson to be learned by some.

Lipstick kisses

Karen

[Carrah]

Just to clear a couple of points; when I refer to still being the man of the house, I'm not refering to that macho, chest pounding, grunting, farting crap. I'm refering to still being the male in a male/female relationship, which the wife or SO in these cases tends to doubt - for whatever reason. Crossdressing, in fact, makes you no less a man - period! Look at it this way; would it make a difference to anyone here as to whether or not Marine Force Recon soldiers were looking for your butt while they were all dressed in women's clothing? Let me just say this much, I certainly hope not!

I'm 46-years-old and was with my x-wife for 25 of those years; 5 dating and 20 married. We seperated and ultimately divorced due in absolutely no part to my then occasional bout with crossdressing, which in general involved nothing more than panties and pantyhose and generally only during the colder, winter months primarily for warmth and to some degree, comfort and fulfillment. She was aware of this and fine with this.

Bottom line, we're talking about clothing here. We're talking basically for most of us, about a hobby. We're talking about having fun. We're talking about the essence of a relationship; trust. We're talking about no harm done. We're talking essentially about the same paint on our faces and nails as those guys with "Go Eagles" painted across their chest at the ball park.

Finally, what century am I living in? This century - modern times. You see, one of the many things I have learned about myself is that if I am thinking it and getting involved in it, whatever "it" may be, so is an aweful lot of other people. I have learned that I am rarely out in front of any concept in America. Knowing this tells me that we are all on the virge of this whole crossdressing issue coming into the forefront sooner than we might think. In most cases, I am a late-comer. Note that we are seeing it more on TV, hearing it more, reading about it more, and so on. I have seen two CD's in two different malls within just the last three weeks and these were in relatively rural areas.

It is us, we that make this a bad thing by hiding, shriveling up, and cowering from it. As a former Marine I have learned that when the going gets tough, we all fall upon our training - it's automatic - the essence of training. With that I have resolved myself to while I am not interested in revealing myself to all I know and then throwing it in their faces, as do so many gay activists, but then neither will I hide from it when what I do is discovered. When and/or if I am unexpectedly discovered, I will not contribute in any way to the concept that it is somehow a bad thing by apologizing, cowering, or shriveling up like I've done something wrong or perhaps filthy or deviant.

To my girlfreind of 5 years (maybe 6, who's counting) I brought it to her the moment I realized I was back into crossdressing again after so many years and why, because I trust her and because I have an understanding and acceptance of human nature. I am confident that my relaxed approach to the whole issue was a factor in releaving her of any concerns she may have had otherwise, had I approched the issue as though I had a desease or a defect of some sort. Recently, while watching a SITCOM, one of the characters pointed to an x-spouse and warned his girlfreind that he is a crossdresser. I looked at my girlfriend, who was kind of going to simply ignore the comment, as though she didn't hear it, and as we made eye contact I said "well, so am I!" We both laughed and that bit of tension was immediately resolved. I then said to her, "Well, baby, we may have switched roles a bit here; you wearing the suits and me wearing the skirts, but one thing you have at home waiting for you in the evenings that a lot of other women do not have and only dream of, is a sex-machine." She said, "you are a very sexy man - I love you..."

I did get something from this thread; that women, to some degree, have no one to discuss this with. Technically this is false for any woman with Internet access, which my girlfriend does have and which she is quite capable of utilizing to it's fullest. I have asked her on a couple of occassions if she is still comfortable with what I do and she has assured me she is just fine with it. I understand that I do not want to keep dwelling on that point, however. I have simply asked her to let me know when/if she ever just get's tired of it for whatever reason. If that time ever comes, I am reasonably certain it would be based upon her interest in bringing me back to reality; something that can and often does escape us all from time to time...

[Danielle1960]

I also wish you well with the struggle your in. I'm in the same boat with my wife who is totally uncomprimising with this issue. I think her thoughts of what a Cder is revolve around the television aspect of the subject. I've been watching the Law and order program with her because that is where she actually developed her ideas. If all representation of our comunity is like this than change in general will be along time in coming.
On the thearpy side her church sponsored psychologist tells her to be uncomprimising because her view is right. :mad: I would make a jarhead coment considering his background but that woulnd't accomplish anything.

Good luck with your situation and for what it is worth your wife probably should remain number one for now. My thought is there is plenty of lingerie to by everyday but my wife is only one of a kind.

Danielle

[sissy stacy]

(curtsey)

My experience has taught me that being honest and up front works best in the end. There are times when there is hurt initially, but in the end, it was better that one was up front.

There are times when i have met GFs while dressed. Little to tell them about, there, they already know. i have met two or three while dressed at Hallowe'en or other costume parties. i made sure to tell them that i do not just dress like this for parties. They have all been smart enought to figure out that no one spent that kind of money for just a party costume; they do know what this stuff costs.

For other relationships, if it looked like it was going anywhere, i would tell them after a couple of dates. Those who ran and/or made comments about being a 'queer' or a 'wierd-0', oh well, they would have done that no mater when they found out. Those who did not.good.

i go for periods of time when i shave body hair and don't shave it. There have been times when i was getting up close and personal with a young lady and she discovered my missing body hair. More than one asked why. i was truthful. Sometimes i would try to be funny: 'You shave your legs because hair looks silly in nylons, well i look silly in nylons with hairy legs too'. i have been thrown out of more than one apartment or house and been pulling on my shirt and carrying my shoes and socks as i moved from the doorway quickly lest the neighbors see what all the shouting was about. Similarly, more than one has gone into her closet or lingerie drawer to get something for me to wear while we got even more friendly.

Sure, the negative experiences hurt, but in the end, i realized that i was better off saying something when i did.

(curtsey)

-sissy stacy

[PaulaJeanette]

Each of you...in your own way, has expressed feelings and emotions based on personal experiences and I appreciate your willingess to share them with me. I appreciate the overwhelming support...gee does it help to know I have some who accept me the way I am....a crossdresser. Thank you!

Needless to say, Friday was a rough day for both my wife and I. We had a dinner engagement and, to her credit, we did attend. Naturally, there was still some anger and, of course, many stretches of silence in the drive. But, basically, I just let her vent...which she needed to do. She was pointed and direct in her comments, critical, and not physical. It was OK because I'm still alive and she did not kill me...which I'm sure she felt like doing for all her anger AND THE HURT. Luckily our evening went well and there were a few moments where we enjoyed ourselves. I wasn't worried about her divulging secrets to anyone. One thing about my wife, I can trust her implicitly! She knows what would happen--to both of us--if my secret were known to others. Although I know she wants and needs someone to talk with about my crossdressing, she won't. One possible course of action for me is to initiate more direct discussions about this rather than follow my usual course of action...silence. Maye our chats will help her think through her fears and anxiety as well as afford me an opportunity to tell her about myself and provide some general information about crossdressers.

Well, Saturday was calm and Sunday the same. Sometime during the weekend, she did make a comment or two..."...and you even wear stockings and heels..." "...watchout, I have an image of you which others don't have..."

So, I have a lot to say and share. I appreciate your letting ME vent. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind but I don't want this to be a long post. So, I'll break them up.

Lastly, thank you again for your support and thoughts.

Paula J.

[Aloha_Dana]

Paula, First sympathies for the turmoil you and your wife are going through. There is a plethora of stances and approaches to take. I hope you choose what is best for you.

Thanks for the update. It sounds like the both of you are going to be fine. I got reassurance from my wife (after I outed myself) by her little comments as well. It told me that she is dealing w/it. It is good to let her vent. Don't try to fix her problem, that is not what she wants. She just needs you to be there for her. Two other points I'd like to make. One is to keep talking about it. Communication is the only way the two of you will move forward. The other is honesty. Be true to yourself (most important), then be true to her.

Best of luck,
Dana

[Keri]

Susan stated: “I find that allowing a woman to demand manhood from her husband while she stands there in men's clothes is rather ridiculous when I think about it.”

Helana stated: “For a wife to continue to deny her husband's emotional needs and happiness is to reject part of him, to make him continue to feel guilty and ashamed.”

Think a lot of gals feel that guys enfemme can't "be men", and that phallasy (typo intended) can be quickly laid to rest. They might then also realize that such men (and men they definitely are) are also more sensually pleasing than their wham-bam-thank-you-mam counterparts, and grow to appreciate their lover's feminine alter-ego.

[KarenXDR]

Good shot, Keri

[Helana]

There are two levels of hypocrisy here -

- the replusion many women show to crossdressing men despite the fact that 90% of their own wardrobe is masculine

- the fact that women want "new men" who have sensitive, emotive needs - reading between the lines, a man who combines the good bits of a best (girl)friend and a "real man". Women should be warmly welcoming CDs but instead they mostly reject them.

It has always seemed to me that social acceptance of CDing is going to come via teaching women, not just to accept CDing but to appreciate it - meaning a crossdressing man would be a desirable partner to have. If women were to welcome us then other men would be dragged down the road to social acceptance as usual and the whole social scene would change rapidly.

Gays made big strides in social acceptance not because (homophobic) men accepted them but because women did. All of a sudden it became trendy for women to have gay boyfriends as part of their social circle and this materialised itself in TV shows and magazines which meant that being gay was no longer a shameful behavoir. Men have adjusted their viewpoints to accommodate this new reality.

Women are the driving force behind changes in society and I hope the new generation of CDers will be more open and successful in making women realise the benefits and finally remove the guilt we all feel.

I am comfortable with statistics indicating that crossdressing behavoir affects about 5% of men. We are probably a much larger group than homosexuals. With the advent of the internet the time is ripe for women to be made aware that their social conditioning is at odds with reality and there are many men out there who would make wonderful partners if only they could see it. Of course responsible behavoir on the part of CDers is a prerequisite for women's acceptance so we have work to do from our side too.

[Aloha_Dana]

There are two levels of hypocrisy here -

- the replusion many women show to crossdressing men despite the fact that 90% of their own wardrobe is masculine

- the fact that women want "new men" who have sensitive, emotive needs - reading between the lines, a man who combines the good bits of a best (girl)friend and a "real man". Women should be warmly welcoming CDs but instead they mostly reject them.

Helena, well put. Just this weekend I had another talk about my xdring w/my SO. The conversation didn't go so well. Actually, she hardly participated. She was upset about something else. Bad timing on my part. But, I raised similar issues that when presented, I could tell we have good, undisputable points, in addition to the two you state here. She couldn't respond to them. Yet, even though these points are so accurate, have no explanation, I could just see it in her eyes, 'I still feel differently - xdring grosses me out and I don't want to see you, or think of you like that'.

Let the revolution begin.
Dana

[PaulaJeanette]

Hi!

Well, it has been a full week since my life as a crossdresser took a different direction. I can happily report that we are still together and living as husband and wife. A real test will be our next opportunity to be intimate and to make love...young adults at home place a restriction on these activities. Up until last Friday, my wife had accepted my wearing a pair of her panties when we were intimate. It will be interesting to see how her having seen me dressed in lingerie will play out.

Ever since telling her two years ago of my lifelong practice and desires to wear women's lingerie, I have wanted to increase what I wore from just panties to include bras, stockings/pantyhose, etc. I've been relatively cautious and taking things slow because I have no way of judging what her reaction would be to several things, such as having breast (wearing breast forms in my 38C bras)--I'll address this later--but mainly whether it would be better for me to be wearing make-up and a wig. Basically, would she be more receptive to me appearing as a "total woman" with wig and make-up or just me in lingerie without wig and make-up? Which would be easier to accept?

With regard to breast forms, again, would my having breasts been too disconcerting for her to accept? She had once mentioned after learning of my transvestite proclivities that she did know if she could take seeing me with something on top, meaning wearing a bra. So, how would she react to seeing me with breasts? A full-busted woman. My intuition was telling me...not very well....my having breast would be too much.

So, for several months now, I'd been trying to decide which way to go. I loved wearing a bra with my breast forms; I loved the feeling of having breasts. I had not bought a wig or tried to wear make-up. I was torn and undecided...BUT....

Now that she's seen me wearing only lingerie, pantyhose, and heels, without a wig or makeup, this is moot point! I'm not so sure if she actually noticed my breast...but then again, how could she have missed it. She got a full frontal view of me in the doorway.

One lingering question for me is...could my use of a wig and wearing make-up have softened the blow for her? What do you ladies think?

Lastly, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer their points of view and expressed support. I'm determined to save my marriage and move forward by turning last Friday's event into a positive thing. For her, I know the sting and, more importantly, the hurt and mistrust is still there...lingering just under the surface. Consequently, I'm taking slow deliberate steps but also not going to allow the fact of my crossdressing get totally lost and again swept under the rug. My goal is to establish an agreement in which she is aware of my crossdressing and is knowledgable about crossdressing and transvestism, in general. I am hopefully that we can get to a point at which she and I can comfortably discuss the topic. Preferably, I would like us to come to terms which does not forbid my crossdressing--so I do not have to hid. Also, it is not necessary that we integrate my personna as Paula into our lives.

Well, ladies, thank you again for listening to me and allowing me to vent. I appreciate your being here for me. As usual, Paula must become invisible for the weekend as the family will be around.

I wish all of you have a good weekend...enjoy your femme side!

Hugs,

Paula J

[Nikki A.]

All I can say from my experiences is that if she caught you in make-up and a wig she would have been even angrier. The more you look the part the more threatened they are.

[ChristineRenee]

Hi Paula,

Looks like I missed quite a bit during my week in Florida. We are soooo overdue for a chat now sis.

Quite frankly, I wondered when this would eventually happen. This type of scenerio was precisely why I told my wife about my CD'ing before we even got engaged, just so I wouldn't have to deal with what you will now be dealing with for quite sometime to come.

I was happy to read that you want to continue the marriage and try to get past this and make things right between the two of you. It will be an uphill climb for sure. I do think, however, that your wife overreacted somewhat considering that you had told her in the past of being a CD and promised to dress when no one else was home. Just because she hadn't actually experienced the "shock" of seeing you dressed before, it shouldn't have provoked that extreme a reaction from her. I also don't believe that knowing your desire to dress, that she should be telling you to get rid of the clothes. Some compromise is indeed, in order here, and that means she needs to start being more tolerant and understanding. A lot of frank discussions will be forthcoming, and you should welcome this. I would just advise that you not become defensive during the talks that you two will be having. This is a very large part of who you are Paula...something she needs to have a greater understanding about. Hopefully, she will be open-minded enough to being educated on the complexities of the CD and this will be the time that you need to both educate her and to reassure her of who you are and of the man that she married. She is going to run the full gamut of emotions for quite awhile now so be patient with her and just be there for her. Answer her questions openly and honestly....don't hold back. But don't apologize either. You have done nothing inherently wrong here. Just reassure her that whether dressed or not, you are still the man that she fell in love with and married.

Of course you have all of your sisters here on the site available to you for support...and you know I am always available for a chat with you. When you need me Paula...just PM me...I'll be here for you babe.

I wish you only the best and hope that you and your wife can work this out to your mutual benefit. You have too many years of marriage invested to let this come between you. You can work this out together. Best of luck always girlfriend....remember that I am here for you when you need me.;)

Love you,
Chrissie:)

[jenny c]

I certainly hope everything works out for you my heart goes out to you both. maybe you need to sit down with each other and talk it through but remember do no push her into something she does not agree with, you will both regret it later. i count myself lucky i too was caught out by my wife but this was her finding my stash of clothing but i sat down a talked it through but to my suprise my wife actually accepted it and the only thing she did not like was the fact i had be hiding it away from her now its all in the open i feel better and we both have a happier relationship.

[KarenXDR]

...give your wife a chance to digest what you have shown already. My guess is that wig, make-up and breast-form would be TOTAL DISASTER! You've got to segregate your fantasies from the reality of her initial reaction. Now...you're going to ask her to make love to a "fem" that used to be her husband??? REMIND YOURSELF of that reaction of a mere two weeks ago!

Patience....patience..patience...

Sincerely hope all goes well...

Karen

[Ariel]

As I said in a previous post, I have been dressing for a while. My wife knew that I had a skirt, and have been wearing panties for quite a while now, and panty hose (with my wife's knowledge). I recently took photo's of me dressed, and left them where my wife could see them. She hasn't said that she doesn't want me to, either around her or not yet, but we are still talking about it. Guess that's a good sign, sort of.

[PaulaJeanette]

Ariel,

As long as you and your wife are talking, that's a great sign. Gaining spousal acceptance is a very tough and definitely unknown road to travel. Although one may gain "acceptance", there are no guarantees that there may be a U-turn just around the next bend.

This morning as my wife was preparing to leave for work, she mentioned that I've been quiet lately. My response was that I hadn't changed. Then she said, "Oh, I know why" and left for work.

Well, it's good to know that the subject of my crossdressing has not been totally buried away in her mind.

So, keep at it and good luck!

Paula J.

[Belledonna]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, together for 17. Less than a month ago I came home sick from work to find my husband vacuuming the house in boxer shorts stilettos and thigh highs. I will never forget the look of sheer terror on his face or the feeling of my heart literally spilling out onto the floor. He came over to me and hugged me, trembling...and I only half-heartedly hugged him. He wanted to talk and I told him I needed time, because even at the moment I knew it might be harmful to speak before I'd had a chance to absorb what I'd seen. He got himself ready and left for work...and I just cried all day. Did I cry just because he was wearing women's clothing? Absolutely not! I cried because I didn't know what this behavior meant to him....to us....or how to integrate the person I'd seen with the person I'd known for 17 years. Realistically I knew that they were one and the same....but what I'd seen was such an extreme departure from who I'd come to know that I was uncertain as to whether I'd ever really known him at all. I felt betrayed, even though I recognized that he had, in a way, betrayed a vital part of himself first.

My husband had always been a very "manly" man....who never displayed much emotion....so much so that many times in our marriage I felt as though he were de-feminizing me...by judging my sensitivity and nurturing nature. He was always very focused on what I looked like, as well....frequently buying me lingerie and jewelry and such. His concentration on my external self combined with his neglect of my "internal" self left me feeling as though, for all the years we'd been together, in many ways our relationship was shallow.

What I hadn't realized, is that his own "woman within" felt forced to live only vicariously through me. He loved me and resented me at the same time. He judged my own femininity harshly because he PERCEIVED that I would never be accepting of his.

When he came home that evening we talked....and I discussed with him the ideas I had....and he just cried and held me. I told him it was time that I was properly intoduced to his "woman within". Since then our relationship has flourished in ways that neither one of us could have imagined. We mutually empower one another are forging a much stronger relationship. I wish he had told me sooner and enabled me to be who I have always been....the one who will always love him.....no matter what!

[PaulaJeanette]

Belledonna,

Thank you for your post. It gives me hope of gaining acceptance from my wife. To me, your post is especially significant since you're providing a perspective that is genetically and biologically the other side from the rest of us. And, believe me, that is very important. Too many times, without our knowing or realizing it, our comments, views, and statements contain biases that are grounded in the male perspective. Although we may think we being female and expressing feminine views, we are inadvertently displaying our values, mores, ethics, etc. etc. thru this male-oriented lens.

I am not putting anyone down here and don't intend to be demeaning in any way. I'm just raising a cautionary note in light of belledonna post.

Again, thank you.

Paula J

[sissy maid phylis]

dear carrah i really enjoyed your thread about the how and why we crossdress and what our wifes think about it,i also was in the service and served in the navy during vietnam,doing two tours of duty on board my ship.my wife knows all about me now and like you said for the longest time we all cowered in shame ,scared what would they do if they ever found out.i endured that for 30 years and i finally had enough and i told her.so now i belong to one of the best cd groups in the new york city area cdi and i am enjoying every minute of being myself all my love sissy maid phylis anne :D :)

[timme]

H!
Well I wrote a thread about this vary subject.It seems most cross dressers don't want to talk about telling their loves one untill it's too late.That vary bad because all your doing is lieing to your wife doing this behind her back,worse you have made her angry at you and for what? Nothing really other than sneaking around dressing and hiding dressed up?. This NOT what you want.You should of told her before you were married about this if she could come to terms with it fine otherwise you have to dress away from home or compremise.I just don't understand why so many TV'S CD'S aren't more honest to their families about their fun hobby? What do you people think this is? this is having fun cross dressing when you hide it like this as some are doing your only hurting yourself feeling guilty and making it worse for everyone in your family and etc.It's time you admit to your wife's and girlfriend's that you are a CD/TV something you'll NEVER EVER give up no matter how hard you try you'll always have the urge to cross dress! Good luck and hope you find a solution to your dressing up problem with you wife.
Parent's on the otherhand that you don't live with that don't know or friends that don't NEED to KNOW really don't need to know your a cross dresser only the people you live or with your wife girlfriend lover etc need to know about being a CD
HUGS
TIMMIE

[RachelDenise]

It's something that many of us go through. I haven't been seen but I have been caught. I don't know who cried more between the both of us. What is important is how you move forward from this. Keep the lines of communication open but don't force the issue. The need for information by her will come over time if she truly wants to learn more. The real problem becomes whether or not she accepts the femme you. Be respectful, listen to her opinions and answer the questions truthfully!!! Good luck and keep us updated.

Hugs and prayers,
Rachel Denise

[melissacd]

In 1997 I was outed. My wife's reaction was horrible. I tried to explain to her and answer all her questions. I found all sorts of things for her to read. I wanted to open up, alay her fears and use this as an experience to share something that I had hidden away for all of the years we had been together. She would have none of it. She was angry, would not listen, told me I could not dress in or out of her presence. It was awful. She went on anti-depressants and for years would barely talk to me or be intimate. She took everything femme that I had and threw it out. And that was that. Everytime that I would try and broach the subject again she would get angry and shut down. So I stopped. Somehow we have stayed together.

For years after that I did not dress at all. I was too afraid of getting caught again. Then I started dressing again. The urge was too strong. I started building up my wardrobe, I started joining back in the internet CD chats and communities. But then, she almost caught me again. So in a panic I grabbed everything up that I had and dumped it. I have not dressed since.

It has now been over a year since I have cross dressed and I miss it so very much. I keep hoping that a day will come when she will finally open up and talk to me about it. She has now known for 8 years and yet she never goes near the subject and I am deathly afraid to bring it up because of what happened back then.

While we have managed to stay together, I have had difficulty dealing with this. I see many of you continuing with your passion, our passion and I envy that. I feel that not being able to address this long standing issue keeps a distance between us. THough we still kiss and hug and make love (considerably less though), I want to share this part of me and reach a closer bond with her and she won't let me. I want to be able to recite the stories that I have seen from GGs who have said that this experience has enriched their relationship.

Now, although I do not dress (and desparately want to), I am having this secret online life where I read about what I cannot do. As I read more, I think more and more about whether I can continue not to express a very important part of me. I use other things (art collecting, books by women) to relieve some the frustration, but it really is not enough. I want to stay and build my relationship and yet feel that not resolving this issue creates a chasm in our life. I have thought more and more about being unfaithful (minimum case) with someone who is supportive or just plain leaving (I cannot believe that I am even thinking of this). It is something that I don't want to do and yet I feel more and more that I am painted into a wall in my life. I keep hoping for a miracle to happen and that one day out of the blue she will say something that will start us talking about a conversation that never got started 8 years ago. These days I find that I bury myself in my work to dull the feelings.

When I saw this topic it really hit a nerve for me. I don't envy Paula the path she has to go through because it is a tough road, however, I hope that her outcome is happier than mine has been. I have found over the past few months reading posts at this site has helped me think through some of these issues, but I am a long way from solving was seems to be unsovable. I am ashamed to admit that I am one of those who has started dallying with online relationships because I am so frustrated and I see no way out. I am very ashamed of this and actually reading these posts is also helping me to step back and look closer at that part of my behaviour and rethink what I am doing and why...

Good luck Paula,

Melissa

[Stormgirl]

And that is why I am single and won't let a women have my heart.I can't deal with the drama.

[Bernadina]

And that is why I am single and won't let a women have my heart.I can't deal with the drama.
Isn't that a bit selfish?

I told my now wife soon after we started dating and everything was fine and is still fine with my dressing.

It was a risk, but I figured that we had established enough of a relationship that we needed to expose all our secrets and make sure that we could both be comfortable with them before the relationship got too far along.

[Melissa A.]

Paula, my heart goes out to you, and I wish you and her all the strength and luck you can find. It's great to see so many come to your aid here, with advice or similar tales to let you know your'e not alone. What is happening in this conversation, even the dissagreements, is exactly what this forum is all about. Very well said, Karen.

Before I married my ex-wife, I told her I was a crossdresser, but that it was something I could live without. So I did lie to her, but at the time, I believed what I was saying. So it was not a bald faced lie. While we were married, she would occasionally indulge my needs, ie; allow me to wear lingerie and such to bed or while we were making love. This lead me to believe that maybe someday she would come around to full crossdressing.I could not have been more wrong. She, I think, believed that by allowing me to wear feminine clothing in her presence sometimes, she was giving me a chance to indulge my fantasies, so that I would not feel the need to fully crossdress. She could not have been more wrong. It is amazing that two intelligent people who have an otherwise strong connection and love for one another, can be thinking so oppositely.

The rules were never clearly set out by her until the first time she came home and caught me fully dressed. After that, she caught me several times. Never actually saw me, But me in the shower, furiously washing off makeup, and women's clothing strewn all about the bathroom pretty much told the story. She made it clear that she did not "want a husband that wears high heels, dresses, and makeup". Every time, I would be sorry, promise to stop, and usually discard all I had bought.

My ex is an intelligent woman, and fairly open minded. She never asked me if I was gay, and I don't think she believes crossdressers are perverts or sickos. It is simply something she did not want as a part of her life. One has to respect that. However, I believe she was being unreasonable in insisting that I never do it, Even when she wasn't around.

At that time in my life, I was not as articulate about the subject as I am today. And resources such as this did not quite yet exist, or at least I was not aware of them. And I was still carrying around alot of confusion, embarrassment and shame. So I thought she was right. And I had to be doing something wrong. When we split up, it was mostly for reasons that had nothing to do with crossdressing. But cding certainly wasn't a strength in our relationship that we could fall back on. Maybe today, assuming we could have worked through our other problems, it may have been. We are friends now, and she is very happy that I have found someone who accepts all of me. But still says that it is something she could not deal with.That is ok. It's not for everyone. We were both devestatingly broken hearted when we split up. But now agree that even though we had a real connection, and a real love for eachother, that it was, in the long run, for the best.

It certainly freed me (after another relationship that was a disaster, classic rebound stuff) to find the path to accepting and loving all of me.

I know none of this is easy. And I never had kids. For those of you with children, especially young ones, I realise that makes it all the more complicated. Only the individual can decide whether what cding does for them outweighs the partnership they are in. Living a life of suppression and denial is something I cannot even fathom now. But back then, I was willing to do it, for love. All I can say is that personally, for me, my life is better than it has ever been. And I can trace many of my previous struggles with success and happiness to not being me. All of me. But at the time, it is often hard to see the forest for the trees.

Again, my heart goes out to all of you who are struggling with these issues. There is never one easy answer for everyone. It makes me happy to be able to be a part of this forum, and hopefully, be there for whoever needs an empathetic friend who has been there. My PM box is always open. I have gained so much from being here and am so grateful to all of you who have been here for me. I would be honored to give back, in any way.

All the strength and luck in the world to everyone. And all my love.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Melissa A.]

Geez, I hate being technologically illiterate! Why the big red thumbs down on my post? I tried to edit it out, but cannot figure out how. What gives?!?

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[melissacd]

Melissa,

Your post is wonderful.

You made an important point...is the cross dressing more important than the relationship? The jury is still out on that one.

You also said something:

"Living a life of suppression and denial is something I cannot even fathom now. But back then, I was willing to do it, for love. All I can say is that personally, for me, my life is better than it has ever been. And I can trace many of my previous struggles with success and happiness to not being me. All of me. But at the time, it is often hard to see the forest for the trees."

That makes me wonder many of the non-cross dressing related difficulties I am struggling (an overall unsettled feeling, an unhappiness with life, an inability to excel much of the time or feel much joy anymore) stem from that unresolved issue. It has been so long I don't know anymore. You have given me some introspective homework to do in any case.

We are funny creatures we humans. We think that we can push aside who we are and yet somehow it bubbles back to the surface and pokes us with a stick. Your statement above has certainly given me pause. I guess that is why reading these posts is so important and helpful.

Thanks for your insights.

Melissa (confusing eh!) - Perhaps I should sign - Melissa Eh! or Melissa From The Great White North - or Melissa From The Land Of Back Bacon

[Tamara Croft]

Geez, I hate being technologically illiterate! Why the big red thumbs down on my post? I tried to edit it out, but cannot figure out how. What gives?!?

Hugs,

Melissa :)
Click on the edit button on that post and your post will open up for you to edit. At the bottom of the post it says 'Post Icons' just click 'no icon' and save it. It should remove it :D

Tamara x

[Melissa A.]

Hi Melissa,

Thank you for your kind words. If my experiences can make anything clearer to you, in any way, that makes me happy.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Not being who you really are, or suppressing important parts of yourself affects every single area of your life. Not only are you denying yourself something that makes you feel whole, but you are doing it under someone else's rules. That cannot be good, in any way.

Having said that, I have some sympathy for her confusion and fear of the issue. It is never easy for the wife in these situations, and care needs to be taken. It's not all about you, or her. It's about you both, and if 2 people are committed to staying together, working through it, and coming to some compromises, they really need to listen to eachother.

However, this does not completely sound like your situation. If she refuses to even discuss the issue, or listen to your side, I believe that is wrong. And is completely unhealthy. People who are truly in love care about their partner's struggles and feelings. Not just their own reaction to something that is different-and scares them. Please understand that I am not telling you what you should do. I am not telling you that you should leave her. Only you can decide that, and if the pain and consequences are worth it.

You said, "it has been so long, I dont even know anymore". I think it is more like, "it has been TOO long since I had the courage or the freedom to be who I am, and I don't think this is fair anymore." I could be wrong, but that's my opinion. It is not an accident that you are here, looking for a sympathetic ear and the company of like minded people. There is a part of you that is so unhappy with the fact that you are not free to be who you are, that it is starting to express itself. The general unhappiness, lack of success, unsettleness, they are symptoms of a bigger problem. And a part of you is seeking a cure. I can say this because I lived it.

The only thing I can definitively tell you to do is this: Come to believe, REALLY believe and know to your core, that as a crossdresser, you are doing nothing wrong. You are doing nothing illegal, and you are not out to hurt anyone. This, believe it or not, is much easier to say than to really, really believe. A lifetime of social conditioning tells us it's not so. Once you do, much courage can stem from it.

And then it will get harder! Hate to be so cheery, but it's true. But you seem quite intelligent to me, so you probably know that whatever you do or don't do, it will not be easy. People here have seen me write this here before: Unfortunately, as humans, we sometimes need to go through some bad, painful stuff in order to become who we really are, or before we are ready to.

I really want to know how you are doing, Melissa, no matter what you do. Please stay here and let us know how you are doing, and feeling. You can pm me anytime. I work alot, and wierd hours, so you may not hear back right away.

Wishing you all the best.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

PS Paula- I am so sorry if we seem to have hijacked your thread. It was not intentional. And much of what I have said here applies to you, too. And I hope some of it helps. I am thinking of you, too, and hope you keep us updated. I am here to listen to you as well, anytime, if you want.

[Melissa A.]

Thanks Tamara! much appreciated!

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[melissacd]

Thanks Paula for raising this issue because it resonates with me and I also apologize for highjacking this thread but hope that these insights will help you as well.

Thanks Melissa for your kind words and your kind offer. You have given me much to ponder and hopefully Paula as well.

I may take you up on your PM offer. I work weird hours too but the store and serve nature of internet technologies makes this not a problem if nobody answers at the time of the message :)

[PaulaJeanette]

Melissacd and Melissa A,

Not a problem and thank you for your contributions. This thread is too important to stake a claim.

Melissacd: Hang in there. I know how you must feel...yes, it is difficult...the longing and desires of dressing as a woman are SO strong. And, yes, we all know deep down inside, those urges to dress will never go away. I find the desire to dress enfemme too irresistable and the associated euphoria very very addictive. I marvel at your strength. Whatever you decide and choose for you and your wife will be the best. Only you can make that decision.

Melissa A: How insightful and communicative you are. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and views with me. More importantly, thank you for your unflapping support. It really helps me to see what needs to be done and also what lies ahead for my wife and I. At a later time, I will re-read your post and add more comments and thoughts.

Lastly, Oh, the weekend. For most, the weekend brings more time to dress enfemme and enjoyment to explore/express our femininie side. For me, weekends are exactly the opposite. Family members at home...less opportunity to be alone, be dressed in a relaxed and comfy mode. But make looking forward to the weekdays something to wait for.

Enjoy the weekend ladies...and thank you again.

Paula J

[ronna]

Wow, RachelDenise, like, doesn't everyone love lingerie?

[susanbee]

Wish my wife would catch me dressed then my hidding would be over.

[Helana]

This exchange between the two Melissas does make me wonder about the degree of love that exists in many marriages/relationships. True love is all about sharing and compromising between two people. True love is not about when one person dictates to another - that is an abusive behavoir that denies the other partner the freedom of expression and makes them feel unhappy and rejected.

I realize that when a wife discovers her husband is a cd, for many this is an unwelcoming, unsettling complication, however I would expect her to overcome her socially conditioned thoughts and emotions and make reasonable adjustments to her life to accommodate the new reality.

As a comparison, look at what happens when a couple have a disabled baby. Gone are the dreams of having a healthy, normal bouncing baby and in its place is a realization and acceptance that the parents will have to make substantial changes to their lifestyle to look after their disabled child. There is no hesistation or doubt from the parents that they will do so because their love for the baby is unconditional even though their lifestyle changes can be daunting.

However, this was not always the case. Up until very recently it was socially acceptable and common for parents to abandon disabled babies and leave them outside to die. Today this practice appears cruel and heartless and would never be allowed.

So it appears that love is not that absolute, that its boundaries relies on what is socially acceptable at the time. Today CDing is not socially acceptable so many women find it repulsive and see no reason why they should accommodate it in their relationship. This is not unconditional love, it is socially conditioned love.

I agree with MelissaA, living a life of self-denial is not something I personally could ever consider doing again. Living with someone whose love is conditional is not something I would accept either.

[PaulaJeanette]

Susan,

I can empathize with you. In many ways, I feel a big burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that my wife has seen me dressed and wearing women's lingerie.

However, with the removal of this burden, I now have a new challenge which is to help educate her about transvestism, in general, and, hopefully, either gain her acceptance or at least establishing some ground rules that will allow me to continue dressing. Of course, there is also that outside chance that she will find my crossdressing totally unacceptable. At this stage, I don't know which way this process will go.

To everyone who finds themselves in a similar situation as myself or Susan, we all need to commit to sharing our experiences, knowledge, and views with one another. But what I believe is critical to aiding all of us is for those with supportive wives, SO's, and girlfriends is to encourage them (SO's, girlfriends, and spouses) to join in on this discussion. Please help us and give us your insights, thoughts, feelings, etc. about what you believe is important to address, when, why, and what. Your perspectives as a GG about which aspects are important and how we, the crossdressers, should approach this discussion with our respective SO's, girlfriends, and spouses are sorely needed. As many like Helana and others have stated, there are societal barriers to overcome and the process will be long. Having GG's providing advice and counsel will help each of us avoid the landmines and smooth the road ahead.

Thank you again all...you will never know how helpful my postings here are for me in facing this challenge.

Paula J.

[Samantha Jane]

Hi girls,

Getting caught dressing or being up front with your wife, a dilemia indeed!!!!

Unless a miracle comes along.

I have been CDing on and off for thirty years and was doing so prior to getting married. Unfortunately, I'm one of life's proverbial cowards and so I never had the courage to tell my wife of my secret desires. So much of my married life was spent in that dark closet.

I too had over the years wrestled with the notion of leaving my wife, too pursue a life that I so desperately wanted to for fill and I had written my wife off, without even even giving her a chance to air her views on the subject. That now with hindsight, is something I deeply regret.
Luckily for me common sense prevailed, because what was I faced with was perhaps, a life time spent sad and alone, if I could not find someone who'd except for what I am. But more importantly, I would loose a friend and soul mate, the woman I love and for what?

And so up until a few weeks ago, I was posting on this site and a few others, on how I felt my wife would not except a husband who wanted to explore his 'femme' side.

Anyway, whilst on holiday a week ago, I went shopping with my wife and the up shot of it was (I will not bore you with the details), but I now have a draw full of panties (wife threw out my boxers) and I'm the proud owner of several pairs of girlie jeans. It's a great start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talks have been adjourned on dressing fully, BUT they are not dead in the water.

My point being is that miracles can happen. :) And my stress levels have dropped considerably. Who said dressing can be relaxing. :)

Samantha xx

[Dragster]

I bet you're feeling on top of the world Charlotte, but I've seen many posts urging us to resist pushing this issue too quickly. Faced with the discovery that their husbands are CDers, our SOs can take an incredibly long time to come to terms with it, so the advice is to consolidate the ground you have gained, and take a long time before you try to push the boundaries any further. Some of our wives may never accept it, which seems to be MelissaCD's situation, and even Melissa A's with her ex. I can identify with them both, because that's exactly where I am right now. I chickened out of telling my wife when we married 35 years ago. I thought my CD feelings would wither with the freely available sex in my new relationship, but as I know now from my own experience and what I've read here and elsewhere, the desire never goes away. Anyway, I told her about 15 years ago, and her reaction was much like your wife MelissaCD. She "didn't want to know" about it, and wondered whether she could continue to live with me. I'm glad to say, we're still enjoying life and planning our retirement together, and although the subject has been broached once or twice in the meantime, the response has been the same, but without the arguaments and emotion that went with it the first time.

Since I found this site earlier this year, I have come to understand myself better (though I still don't know why I feel excited wearing sexy lingerie!), and I've decided to try one more time. I've seen advice to others to get "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd, read it (at least the first 4 chapters), get your wife to read it chapter by chapter, discussing issues as they come up. Well, that implies a willingness to have a discussion in the first place, but my copy was delivered on Saturday, I'll read it while my wife is at work this week, and then comes the big test. Will I get her to read it and discuss her fears? Who knows, and who knows what the outcome will be? I'll keep you posted on progress! I know that ultimately, I will put my wife way above my need to CD, and I will continue to enjoy my marriage whatever, but she may never know how much more I will enjoy it if she could come to accept all of me.

I've decided that if I choose a femme name it will be Melissa. We seem to be the ones who are fated to have SOs who cannot accept our CDing!

Tony

[kirsti]

Men are from mars women are from Venus!
That is such a cliche.
Because it is a societal definition of normality.
Not a clear fact of establishment.
One can never appease another where one has to sacrifice
a need for the others wants.
your lingerie should not be in the garage,it should be in your dresser.
If you are compelled to wear them then do so at your comfort.
I have read many posts regarding the fear of the significant other in discovery the only secret they may not have shared throughout their relationship.
Then when they either are discovered,or they come out to their loved ones,nearly all react the same way.
While it is a throw me off type deal,the simple cope out is always why couldnt you trust me?
Well it really hasnt anything to do with trust.....
Neither does it have anything to do with honesty....
It is a secret that society has in nearly every instance definend as abnormal,if a man shares the same intrest in a book,or a movie,or a meal its ok,but throw in the complicated entanglement of a males affection of being feminine even for a moment,they are dishonest,and trust plays a role in condemnation.
Your spouse needs to realise that youve been dressing throughout your marriage,and answer herself has it harmnd your relationship?
If not then dont let it interfer with what really matters.
For the struggle of her mate to survive.
Good luck!

[Dragster]

Profound thoughts Kirsti. I'll remember your final comments when I try to talk to my wife again on this subject.

Thanks,
Tony

[Aloha_Dana]

I also concur that to those of you who are considering to out themselves to their SO's or have or have recently been caught, Helen Boyd's "My Husband Betty" is a must.

I just recieved my copy last week and just finished the first chapter last night, w/wife right next to me. She asked me what it was about and why I got it. To learn more about me and to help us (was my answer). It is a smart move.

Helen Boyd is a GG, married to a CD. She wrote the book to understand more about we crossdressers (TG's etc. included), and to help SO's of CD's. Not sugar coated, nor negative. After the first chapter and browsing other sections, I give it 2 thumbs up.

It was suggested to me to read the book once over myself, then a chapter a time w/the wife, highlighting and asking questions before moving onto the next chapter. The latter half of the book deals w/TS issues, so tread accordingly.

My advice, get all the help you can.

Aloha,
Dana

[tate_s]

I caught my boyfriend dressed in some of my clothes, although I already knew that he secretly wore my panties. I didn’t have much of a problem with this, we had a very serious discussion, and I told him quite bluntly that if he wanted to wear girly clothes, then he needed some training.
He wasn’t altogether happy with this, but he did eventually agree and we bought some really girly clothes. As a girl he’s very passable, he’s got a great figure and a lovely face, especially with make up.
I wanted him to actually go out as a girl, so with my help he dressed in a lovely top and mini skirt and a jacket, shoes with a small heel and when it was just getting dark off we went.
I think it was a great success and we’ve progressed from there, I got a great sister and he can enjoy what he wants with no secrecy.

Suzie

tate_s@hotmail.com

[PaulaJeanette]

Tate,

Bravo! You are a terrific person and your boyfriend is lucky as well...maybe luckier! How pleasant it must be to find yet another activity to enjoy and share as a couple...whether as man and wife, sisters, or girlfriends. I envy him and I admire you.

In a previous posting within this thread, I mentioned that contributions from supportive GGs like yourself are very important to helping crossdressers deal with the myriad of issues of coming out to our spouses, girlfriends, and significant others. Whatever you can share that will help us find the appropriate paths through this potential minefield will be greatly appreciated.

Lastly, thank you for sharing your and your boyfriend's crossdressing experiences with us. Please post more and often.

Hugs,

Paula J

[Dragster]

Well,
Following from my earlier post, I've read most of "My Husband Betty" now, and I think I understand my wife and her response to my original revelation about 15 years ago a lot better now. That's how long the subject has been taboo between us! We're having a few days away from home this week, and I asked her if we could read the early chapters of this book while we're away; it'll be a quiet few days while I'm still on my crutches. Her initial response was not good, "It will not change my attitude. I want a proper man, not one who wants to dress as a woman". I decided not to start the discussion until we read the book, take it real slowly. I've already marked the passages I can identify myself with, and some where she may need some discussion, and I hope she'll really want to ask a load of questions. If her mind is closed, it isn't going to be productive, but I'll hope she's curious enough to want to know, but if not, then I'll have to think of another approach, I'm not going to ram it down her throat if it upsets her. The last thing I want to do is break up our relationship, so I'm not going to put that at risk, not for anything, and I'll tell her that 1000 times if I have to.
Wish me luck, but if any of you decide to offer me some advice for this week, I'm sorry, but I won't see it; we're off tomorrow morning, and I won't have computer access again until next Sunday, then there'll be millions of posts to catch up on.

See you all again soon,
Tony

[DonnaT]

Good luck Dragster. Hopefully she will read it and open up at least a little.

[GypsyKaren]

Good luck with all this.Now that the secret is out, you can never lie or deceive again, and she will keep an eye out for those signs. I lied and hid my life from my wife for 12 years, now I have to re-build trust all over again. I'm still glad I told her about it. Tell her if society didn't think of us as the worst of perverts we wouldn't have to lie in the first place.
GypsyKaren

[melissacd]

I admire all of you who are giving it a try. I am too afraid to go through the hell that I went through the last time. I am afraid to even go near the subject. My thinking at this moment, if I can last that long, is to wait for another 5 years until my youngest is age of majority and then possibly approach her again. While it is my hope that I can find a way to make it work, as I read through much of what is on this site and realize that it is okay for me to want to cross dress and realize that part of myself and that I should express that part of myself.

So...as much as I love her, if I give it another college try and really try and help her along with this, if she is still totally against the idea then I may just have to accept that while I love her she does not love me enough to accept who I am and either I just do it and put up with her anger or I move on...
I have spent too much of my life hiding and denying and feeling guilty about this and I want to have a few last years of my life where I can accept who I am and be what I was meant to be.

Melissa Eh!

[PaulaJeanette]

Melissa,

Our lives have always been risky! As crossdressers, from the very first moment we dared to pull on that memorable article of feminine clothing, we were taking a risk. Every minute we take to adorn ourselves and enjoy our second selves, we are taking a risk whether we like it or not. Unfortunately, risk is an inherent part of a crossdressers life and, in general, everyone's life. Since we all know the chances are highly unlikely that we can change who and what we are, we just need to learn how to manage the risks.

In fact, unknowingly, we all manage risk in one way or another in our daily lives. Some things, we have experience with and, therefore, don't give it much thought, such as crossing the street or driving a car. But when in a foreign country, like the UK, where cars are driven on the opposite side of the street, we need to exercise more caution. We do this because the risks are higher due to our unfamiliarity and we must operate at an elevated level of caution...the situation requires that we simply put more thought and attention into what we're doing. Bottomline, we can't eliminate risk...just recognize risk and manage the situation.

As for your waiting another 5 years before reengaging your wife on the topic of crossdressing, that's a decision which only you can make since you know your wife and your situation the best. One caution is to be mindful of the risk associated with trust; be mindful that trust in your relationship is NOT totally ruined by continuing to dress and hiding. BUT, if that is the only option available, then that's what Mellissa needs to do.

Since we are in somewhat similar situations, good luck as you pursue the best approach and solution to a very common dilemma within our sisterhood and community.

Dragster:

Hopefully, your time of solitude together with your wife was positive and fruitful.

If I may, I would like to ask one favor. As there are many of us who do not have access and likely can't readily get our hands on a copy of the book "My Husband Betty", could you share with us a summary...sort of like a book report...of those points that you feel are the most important. Basically, it would be sort of like a descriptive list of tips and suggestions (maybe more like Rules of Engagement) that the author is recommending. That way, those of us, myself in particular, can get a headstart while we try to get a copy for our library. I believe that would be very helpful.

Lastly, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. The best thing about this site, we can all learn from one another!

Hugs,

Paula J

[Selina]

Hmm, lots to digest in this thread...

I was very lucky in finding my partner accepting when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her (which was probably the scariest thing I'd ever done), after being together for many years.

But the one thing she wasn't very happy about was the fact that I'd not felt that I could tell her earlier. She said that if that was a part of my life then she wanted to know about it, and she was bothered that I didn't know her well enough to know that she wouldn't have a problem with it...
The thing is that although in retrospect I can understand exactly what she meant, this point of view had never even occurred to me before. From reading this thread it seems that it's a common one.

I guess that part of the reason I hadn't said anything earlier was because I'd read so many stories on the net where things hadn't gone well, and I was scared of that happening to me. Also, I think I still believed that I could just give it up one day, and then there'd never be any need for her to know anyway, so why take the risk. (But we all know how false THAT one is...)



Wish my wife would catch me dressed then my hidding would be over.

Just a suggestion - if you're thinking that then it sounds like you might be trying to get caught, by being deliberately less careful...
If you DO want her to find out, so you don't have to hide any more, then I'd strongly suggest that you'd be better to just tell her than to let her catch you. Either way she finds out, but if you tell her then you can choose the time and situation, and she's finding out because you chose to tell her, not because she caught you.

But think carefully about it, whatever you do.



This exchange between the two Melissas does make me wonder about the degree of love that exists in many marriages/relationships. True love is all about sharing and compromising between two people. True love is not about when one person dictates to another - that is an abusive behavoir that denies the other partner the freedom of expression and makes them feel unhappy and rejected.
...


Helana, I thought that was an excellent post, and I agree with what you say. It seems strange that so many people are apparently so quick and willing to abandon a relationship that represents a significant chunk of their lives. as soon as something unwanted develops. Comments like 'I want a proper man' are very shallow and, to be honest, meaningless.

Many years ago a friend of mine made a comment which I've always remembered. He said that when you get into a relationship with someone, it's a package deal. "You can't just pick the bits you want from one person, and some other bits you want from another. You pick one, and you get the whole thing, which includes the good bits, and the less good bits, but that's the package. Take it or leave it." Too many people seem to want a fully flexible ticket, which is not what's available...

Good luck to everyone else having these troubles...

Hugs, Sel.

[melissacd]

In as much as I, in fact many of us, want our wives to understand and accept this, and in as much as if two people really love each other they should accept each other warts and all, after is that not true love? (get real sister!)...we also have to put our feelings and needs aside for a moment and to see things from our spouses perspective...regardless of if we like it or not...

They were raised in a culture that, rightly or wrongly, places negative connotations on cross dressing men (for all sorts of silly reasons). They are products of the same culture that makes many of us hide this from the world. While they feel shocked and betrayed, especially if they are told late in the relationship, I am sure many wives have a sense of disgust, fear, loathing, confusion and bewilderment (How could he do this to me...how could he become such a deviant or pervert or whatever negative ideas have been impressed into their minds about cross dressing).

In an ideal world, we would all be up front at the beginning. In an ideal world if we had not said anything at the beginning we would still be confident that our spouses would, while being shocked, love us enough to get past it.

This is not an ideal world. Far from it.

As much as someone may profess to love another for some people there are some things that all the love in the world will not help them get over. This is not to say that they do not love that person, just that they cannot accept this new view or lifestyle as being a part of their relationship. They are not able to modify their view of the person they thought they knew and loved.

That is life. People are irrational beings. Cultural stereotypes are hard for some shake. Many people are not introspective enough to separate the myth from the reality and as much as we try we cannot find a cross dressing path that works for that relationship. A walk in the ocean of many souls would scarcely get your feet wet. That is life.

I am not trying to defend this reaction, I am just trying to be realistic. There is life the way that you want it to be and there is life the way that it really is.

So...it is at this point that we have to move into wishful thinking (oh I hope that some day she changes her mind) or denial (I will stop being who I am for her and our love, I will accept that she does not accept all of me for the sake of the marriage and the kids) or the noble thing (family is more important than anything else) or the budhist thing (wanting is suffering so stop wanting and you will stop suffering) or the selfish thing (I don't give a damn, it is a part of who I am and who the hell is she to tell me that I cannot express my true self) or the human thing ( all of the above or perhaps none of the above).

Life choices are always complex.

I love my wife and yet I am conflicted about her non-acceptance. In as much as I want her to accept it and love me for all of who I am and as much as I feel that that would bring us closer together, the plain and simple fact of it is at this point in her life she will not accept it no matter what I say or no matter how I try to accomodate her. It does not make her wrong (as much as I would like to say it does). It makes her human.

I have thought about leaving and staying and everything in between. I still know not what I will do and you know what...that is human too. We are afraid of changing what we have for fear of losing it and we are afraid of staying where we are for fear of losing ourselves.

Do I stay, do I leave, do I wait until the kids are old enough that it will have a smaller impact on our lives if this comes to a head...do I try another run at it and see if 8 years has changed her mind and run the risk of total turmoil in our lives again...do I do the stoic thing and put it all out of my mind forever and accept that her love is conditional????? Can I accept a love that is conditional and a relationship that will never be as deep as I could hope for?

Life is full of complex choices...there are no silver bullets...there are no easy answers...just choices (or lack thereof) that lead to consequences and new choices...I continue to ponder this...

Melissa Eh! - on her usual silly old soapbox

[Elysia]

This is a terrific thread, so many insightful comments.

I know I’m incredibly lucky. I had been married eight years before I told my wife. She was very understanding. She said she thought most likely lots of men liked to try on women’s clothes.

It came up because she was donating a bunch of clothes to the Salvation Army, including some lingerie that I particularly liked to ‘borrow.’ I’m really not sure how I plucked up the courage, but I found myself asking her if I might keep some of the stuff because… (Insert here a long and nervous build up)… I occasionally enjoyed trying them on.

I was influenced by a therapist I’d been seeing. She was wonderful. I had finally admitted to her that I liked to cross-dress. I’d really expected her to try and cure me but instead she told me she thought that it was just in the genes and explained that no one had had any luck trying to change cross-dressers. Her advice was not to worry about it, have fun, what’s the harm… although she was concerned that I kept it a secret from my partner. She was a very good therapist. I don’t see her professionally any more but I do see her occasionally at church. I’ll always be grateful to her.

So I had been thinking, I really must tell my wife. You see I love her dearly. For me there is no one but her, she is my soul mate and for her I would really try to give up cross-dressing. I know that’s easy to say now, but then, when I thought about telling her, I figured there was a good chance she’d insist I stop. I mean, I thought she might even file for divorcé. I had to tell her anyway because I couldn’t keep deceiving her. I’ve got no problem with keeping it secret from the general public but with her I had to be honest. I’m glad I was wrong about her reaction.

One thing did bother her. Here I’m echoing lots of others who have written in this thread. It bothered her that I hadn’t been honest with her before. Why had I thought I couldn’t trust her? That bothered her. Ultimately, she has been understanding, even about this. However, I think it would have different if she had caught me in the act. I think we would have worked through it, but it would have been harder because then I would not have demonstrated a desire to be honest. Honest was the most important thing.


If you DO want her to find out, so you don't have to hide any more, then I'd strongly suggest that you'd be better to just tell her than to let her catch you. Either way she finds out, but if you tell her then you can choose the time and situation, and she's finding out because you chose to tell her, not because she caught you.

I strongly agree with Selina.

Being honest with her, asking for her understanding, telling her that her feelings about it mattered and giving her a chance to absorb this new discovery at her own pace were all very important.

That’s a little of my story and as I said, I know I’m a lucky person.

Melissa my heart goes out to you. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I don’t know what you should do but I’ll make this observation. You sound like a very thoughtful and decent person. Be true to the better angles of your nature, it will lead you down the best possible path.

There’s an enormous amount to be gained by working through the inevitable discomfort that comes from sharing your complete self with your partner. For example:


My husband had always been a very "manly" man....who never displayed much emotion....so much so that many times in our marriage I felt as though he were de-feminizing me...by judging my sensitivity and nurturing nature. He was always very focused on what I looked like, as well....frequently buying me lingerie and jewelry and such. His concentration on my external self combined with his neglect of my "internal" self left me feeling as though, for all the years we'd been together, in many ways our relationship was shallow.

What I hadn't realized, is that his own "woman within" felt forced to live only vicariously through me. He loved me and resented me at the same time. He judged my own femininity harshly because he PERCEIVED that I would never be accepting of his.

It gave my chills (good ones) reading that. That’s brilliant. Belladonna your husband is a lucky person and you are very insightful. You don’t experience growth like that by sitting on your hands. We who aspire to the greatness of womanhood would do well to observe the incredible willingness to take on the difficult work of growth demonstrated by so many women.

[melissacd]

This is a good post...more for me to ponder, thanks...Melissa Eh!

[eileen1969]

I was in that very situation a few times with my ex's, not that I have many! lol One of them is the mother of our children. She hates my female side and she even hates this part of me that she declines me being the man she once knew. That is still very painful for me, and for myself personally. I cannot change the way she thinks about me nor can I ever expect her to change this. Our freindship has detertiated even more and I have made a chioce with her and me. We are not the same, we once were, I still love her very much, that has changed things of me being 2 spirited, yes....
I think about my choice! her or me? I definatly went with who will love me regardless of what I wear or who I truly am? Me, and my Creator! whom made me with this wonderful gift of being a women! So I let her go! completely! simply because I love myself truly and who I am with all my help I get from my dear grandparents! As for our loving kids! kids and animals are smarter when it comes to most of us adults! they are unconditional and loving! And would'nt ya know it! by letting go takes love, thats what I done! and she is still very much a part of my life and always will be. Regardless of she ever fully accepts me or not! I have faith in me and love me this much! "God Bless you" and let your heart n spirit giude you in your journey of self! my only suggestion is that be true to yourself and do not sacrifice your beauty for anyone else? ANYONE! :)
ps the other ex whom died awhile ago! she fully accepted me and all of me and even thought it was cute! "god bless her loving spirit!!!!" ~I love you girl!

[AbbyLee]

Your being caught brings back so many painful memories. My wife has never gotten over that night. Ultimately I agreed to never dress when she was around (there are times though when I wear panties and pantyhose under my conventional clothing). My wife also knows where I hide the clothes, in the attic. I wish with all my heart I could help you. I agreed to never to dress when she is around. Fortunately for me she is a nurse and usually works two nights a week. I feel better now that she knows. but, she feels the same. Everyone is right it's the deceit thing that I am reminded of, by her. I have to live with that. Also, although we have been married several years, I think she knows that dressing is an integral part of my being. I sincerely hope that you are able to work things out and that she, after calming down a bit, realizes that your dressing 'in private' may not have been to deceive but in many ways to protect her, whom I would guess is a typical femle, from exactly what happened. Look at all the support and advice here, where else could you find that!!!

[AbbyLee]

Hun, I made a typo. I agreed to dress when she is not around.

[eileen1969]

I think that either hiding or depriving yourself for others is not very healthy!
Its like giving yourself an ongoing sentence that you never asked for! or hiding from! It takes a lot to be girl! That is why I choose to let go and be free and I know that this may not come to others, yet....
I will no longer run in fear or hide in shame....
I once was imprisoned for years on end....
through no fault of my mine....
but thier own insecurites and fears....
I done my time in the closet....
I cried, I lied, and hated myself for that....
it litterly killed me a few times.
Today, I am here and very much proud....
of having 2 spirits within, a female and male....
I pray that you find yourself and set yourself free,
as I have!....
take care n stay sexy!
Love n hugs Eileenx0x0x0 :)

[PaulaJeanette]

Hello,

It has been several days since I last updated all of you on what's been happening, so today, I decided to jot down a few short thoughts.

Well, things have been rather quiet...extremely quiet, especially in the bedroom. It has been several weeks and I have chosen to not initiate any intimacy...of course, neither has she. But knowing that the ball is in my court, I'll have to test the waters one evening when we're alone in our home. I've been thinking about whether I should wear panties or not when I go to bed. On the one hand, it would serve as a sign of what I dearly hope to become a part of our lives...my crossdressing being accepted. But then again, would my wearing panties bring back the image that she saw of me dressed in my lingerie? She was hurt and angry that day and seeing me in panties may bring these negative emotions back to the surface again. I don't want to hurt her any more than I have to but I still know that we need to address it. A few days after the episode, she did make a quick, short comment "...you were also wearing stockings and heels..." Since there were others in the house, I didn't engage her in a discussion about my crossdressing and let the comment slip.

I know she loves me and I love her very much...but she does, at times, say to me that I don't show it enough. I am guilty...no doubt about it. Like many of us, I'm sure we've heard those words numerous times thru the course of our marriages. And, more than likely, they are right! So, a point that we all should take, remember, and act upon. Tell them you love them...and mean it!

Since so many of you have referred to the book "My Husband Betty", I'm going to make it a point to find and purchase a copy the next time I'm out of town. Because I don't go out dressed, I'll have to be in male mode when I make the purchase and go to the checkout counter. Although it'll be just like purchasing lingerie at Victorias Secrets or a department store, this time will be different. No acknowlegement or comment like "for my girlfriend, wife, etc." to mask the purchase as a gift. I'm sure the clerk will notice the title and could be somewhat familiar with the topic when it appears on the register screen. Naturally, I'll use cash. I know what some of you maybe thinking...why not buy it on-line? Although receiving it via the mail is easier, I'm always reluctanct to have a name, address, and credit card tied to my crossdressing. Call me paranoid or what...but having lived a life of hiding and keeping my feminine identify a secret for all these years...some old habits are just too hard to break.

In a few weeks, we have an out-of-town trip planned. It will give us some dedicated alone time and definitely a good opportunity to discuss this issue. I've taken much of what others have offered in the way of advice and will certainly use them. My thanks!

Well, I need to get some chores done, so will end this post. As always, I appreciate all of your support, concerns, and prayers. Please continue to keep my wife and I in your thoughts as I will for MelissaCD and her wife, dragster and her wife, plus all the others who are faced with similar situations.

Hugs to all,

Paula J

[eileen1969]

I lived that life for the sake of my family, my imediate family, freinds, and even for myself! and I know one thing is that I was not real nor true to myself! I understand that some of you girls have family, I too once had all that too!
Sacrificing oneself is by far an act of love? I am sorry but I can't see that! why would I want to give up and say that its ok for me to all of me but not when your around! That just does not fit? for some this maybe the circumstance but always remember that consequences always follow. Today, I do not live a double life! I live my life as my spirits as well heart giude me with help from my Creator! I am so happy to not live that life I once lived for the sake of others and me at one time! If you could feel the power of women that is very much in me right now! I share this with all of you "my girls!"....love yourseleves today because you all deserve this from me! take care n stay sexy! :)

[DonnaT]

My goodness Paula. You seem to be doing things, or planning them, that are not helpful to your cause.

She says you don't show her enough how much you love her, and things are quiet in bed? Don't you think it's time to initiate a little intimacy in bed and around the house?

Put yourself in her shoes. If you were a woman, and married, what would you want your husband to do to show his affection.

Everytime you walk by her, or near her, give her a kiss. Sneak up behind her and give her a hug and kiss. Always tell her, out loud, that you love her.

Bring her flowers or some other small gift when she's not expecting it.

Don't wear panties to bed until after you've had your talk with her. Right now, she has issues. One of which, I can bet on, is whether or not you find her desirable, more so than your desire to wear panties. Wearing panties to bed and then trying to be sexual is going to confirm for her that you don't find her desirable.

I would suggest that you not initiate a discussion about your CDing, while on your trip. Let her do it if she wants. Otherwise it could possibly make for a miserable trip.

Wait until you've read the first four chapters of My Husband Betty, then initiate the conversation. There's no hurry, you know. If she doesn't want to talk, ask her to please read the first four chapters only. She's not ready to read about TS issues in the later chapters.

I don't know how easy it may be to find the book in a book store. You can get a copy from the author, Helen Boyd and even have it autographed. Go to http://myhusbandbetty.com for details. Or click here http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/?page_id=277

[melissacd]

Paula,

For what it is worth, I wouldn't wear the panties to bed at this point. I really think that that would make things worse. You have to find a way to communicate with her, get her feelings and concerns on the table, see if she is willing to talk about it, find out what it is that she needs to hear from you.

If she is open minded you may be able to bring the discussion to a level where she, while still fearful and uncertain, will engage in a dialog. Then you can ask her what she wants to know and how you can make her feel less fearful and more comfortable and loved. Right now she will most likely be having thoughts like:

- is he a homosexual?
- does he still love me? am I not woman enough for him?
- I thought that I was the woman in the marriage?
- I did not marry a woman, I married a man and I want it to stay that way
- what will happen to us if I say yes to this? will he go out of control?
- is he perverted?
- what will the neighbours think if they find out?
- how do I protect the children from this?
- ewwww how disgusting!
- I don't wish to see you that way!
- will he dress up all the time?
- does he want to become a girl?
- will he become competitive with me?

and so on...I think that you get the picture.

This is what my wife went through. Yet with all of the dialog and information that I supplied her with, she never got past her prejudices about it.

I really don't know how we have stayed together all these years since then. She asked me to stop and I stopped for a long time.

You may have to make some very hard choices. What you do will depend on your will power, how much you love your wife, how badly you have to have cross dressing in your life, whether you feel that another person has the right to tell you what to do in this regard...there will be many things to consider.

I stopped, for a very long time, eventually I started again (although to a much lesser degree so that I would not get caught). I am realizing this is a part of who I am. Denying that part of myself has created a big empty hole inside of myself.

I am sure that some can do this, but I suspect that most cannot. It builds resentment and cuases a relationship to be so much less when you cannot share who you really are. Denial is a terrible thing.I wish you the best on the many difficult discussions and choices you will face.

If she is willing and you are prepared to work out boundaries that she is comfortable with then perhaps over time you can bridge the chasm. The first thing to rebuild is her trust.

I have once again stopped dressing because she almost caught me again. I purged everything I had I was so scared. But it was at that low point that I realized that I have to stop until I can resolve this one way or another.

I am still trying to avoid dressing with great difficulty, however, I do frequent many cross dressing sites. If my wife ever found out that I was even that slightly involved with cross dressing, I am sure she would leave me.

It is hard to build trust when she wants you to deny who you are and forces you to become secretive. I know that I am being duplictous and I hate it. I would love nothing better than to be out in the open with her on this. But I know she will just freak out.

This is a thing that has eroded my relationship to the point where while she shows that she still loves me (hugs, kisses, presents, cards) and speaks of how she cannot imagine life without me, I just don't care anymore.

This week she is away on a week's cruise with her sister's and mother and I have yet to miss her. It is sad. I used to love making love with her and now I could care less. I used to enjoy spending time with her and now I would rather read a book, go for a walk or watch television. How sad is that. I hate feeling this way but I cannot be close to someone who gives me conditional love. She is not a bad person and there is much about her that I still love. I have been with her for over 23 years...I just don't feel in love anymore.

I tell you this because that is the possible path she may want to lead you down. If she says no and refuses to discuss it any further then you have some important choices to make.

Good luck and take care....and feel free to PM me if you want further insights.

Melissa Eh!

[PaulaJeanette]

Melissa,

How can I ever thank you? You are indeed a very, very special person and friend...and I'm not saying that lightly. I truly mean that.

In reading your post, I can immediately detect the feelings, emotions, and intensity within your words. Oh, how much anguish, pain, and hurt you must be going through!!! Over these past few weeks, I've been the same way. Basically, both my wife and I have. I know I am not alone is saying this and am sure there are many others with teary eyes. I appreciate your willingness to so lucidly and painstakingly address your comments to me and to share your hurts with all of us. You cannot begin to know how much your hurts are being felt by all of us.

Melissa, thank you for the offer to discuss these matters privately with me but I believe we can all learn from one another; so with my apologies and your concurrence, I prefer to discuss them here in the forum...in the open. I also know that through these postings, both you and I reap a benefit, in that we're able to vent our feelings and emotions. Although not normally ascribed to the male half of the population, venting our feelings is something that we all need to do (and more often) for better mental health. I guess that's one aspect of our feminine side that is rising to the surface...huh?

I will take (and I cherish) your insightful advice and will refrain from being too pushy with my wife regarding my crossdressing wants, wishes, and desires. You are so right to remind me that these are difficult, complex choices which have very longlasting implications, especially the matter of trust. I know because my wife did raise that specific topic with me. I fully expect it to be central to our ongoing discussions. Many of the questions that are in your list she has raised; and I can forsee the others most definitely coming. So, therefore, I need to clearly think them through. I also need to discuss them with my wife...if she is willing.

Melissa, you've poured out your guts....and that is good! Hopefully, others will be non-judgmental in reading our postings and thoughts and, in return, offer perspectives which will aid you and I in seeing an appropriate course through this delicate maze of human emotion and psychology.

Remain strong and do what is best for you both, as I will for my wife and I.

Again, my heartfelt thank you for your friendship, advice, and caring.

Hugs,

Paula J

[melissacd]

I am glad to offer my insights. Been there, doing it.

Perhaps part of my reason for saying all of this is to provide others with take away pieces that can be discussed based on real experiences and that can help SO's understand that this is not a perversion, it is part of who we are. We don't do it because we don't love them, we do it because it makes us feel complete. We want to be accepted and loved for all of who we are. We believe that it will deepen our love, if only they would let it.

We understand that it is a shock and that rules and limits are required. We look for opportunities to grow with them as our partner and mentor and lover and companion and confident and...

We hid it from them because of the reaction that we got when they found out ... society is uncomfortable with cross dressers.

How do you tell a woman that you just met, oh by the way can I borrow your dress? We all are afraid that we will get a negative reaction from someone we desire, love and want to be with forever. That is why we hide it.

We are afraid of getting the response that in fact we get - "well I was falling in love with you but now that I know you are a cross dresser all I want to be is friends"...after getting that a few times is it no wonder that we hide it.

Tell your wife these things, share these insights and your own fears, help her understand why you hid it, be open with her, be honest with her, remind her of how much you love her, calm her fears, answer her question truthfully, give her time, don't push her, help her understand that you are still the same person that she fell in love with excpet now she gets some bonus features thrown in at no extra charge, bonus features that can enhance your life together and deepen your relationship...

Melissa Eh!

[Annabel Girlie]

My goodness Paula. You seem to be doing things, or planning them, that are not helpful to your cause.

...

Don't wear panties to bed until after you've had your talk with her. Right now, she has issues. One of which, I can bet on, is whether or not you find her desirable, more so than your desire to wear panties. Wearing panties to bed and then trying to be sexual is going to confirm for her that you don't find her desirable.


You are 100% right Donna. When my wife found out, the very idea of confronting her in panties would have been the very worst thing possible. Regretably, my "talk with her" turned out to be what many of the other girlies here have experienced, or have feared would happen - a total rejection of me dressing in or out of her sight - and a demand that I just stop entirely. And then she wonders why I didn't share my secret with her before!

So many of you have talked about this in previous posts in this thread that I won't go through it again, except to say that of all the threads I have read in this forum or many others related to crossdressing in all its various forms and flavours, this is by far the most valuable, informative and wonderful.

Melissa eh! - sympathy and empathy. What more can I say? You have so eloquently expressed my position - and I am sure many others too.

Lost for words

Annabel

[Annabel Girlie]

How do you tell a woman that you just met, oh by the way can I borrow your dress? We all are afraid that we will get a negative reaction from someone we desire, love and want to be with forever. That is why we hide it.
Melissa Eh!

Isn't it strange? If my wife (or thinking back 20+ years to single days, a girlfriend) asked if she could wear my shirt, sweater, underwear, T-shirt, anything! - I would think that was wonderful, affectionate, even downright sexy. Borrowing her dress? As you say, Melissa - that is a sure fire 'No No' for most of us.

And knowing (or fearing) that negative reaction - we hide it from them. We don't want to be rejected as a person by them, and we don't want our dressing to be rejected - so we hide it from them. And they can't see or understand this when they ask us in their plaintive way, why we have hidden it from them all these years. Why do they think?!

You are such a smart cookie, Melissa, you deserve better. I wish you the best of luck

Love you all, girls

Annabel

[melissacd]

Thanks for the compliments. It is a funny thing. Out of all the threads that I have read here, this is the topic that has really gotten my juices going. It is the topic that most touches my heart and my soul.

The things that I have been saying are things that have been bottled up for years and I guess I just needed a chance to get this off my chest.

I want to talk about the more girly things, the things that touch my feminine spirit and yet this is the thing that most moves me.

Perhaps by sharing these thoughts I am also helping myself think through this. It is helping me to express the anger that I have felt over these past years. My secret is now known and yet I still have to hide it. What is the sense in that!

I suppose I am hoping that by getting this off my chest I can help others learn and I can help myself rediscover myself.

I thank Paula so much for suggesting this topic, albeit under unfortunate circumstances. I can certainly relate and you have certainly touched my heart. I feel for you. I also feel for all of you who have suffered a similar situation. What worse choice could be put before you than to have a wife that you love reject who you are? I have anguished over this for 8 years. While I appreciate her surprise and anger and disgust, she is a product of our culture, I am also taken aback by her total rejection of the notion, an unwillingness to be open to new possibilities. And therein lies the struggle.

Many of us recognized early in our lives that there was something very different about us. We had an appreciation for things that were not supposed to be in our domain. Tolerated when really young, ridiculed when older. We have had to spend so much of our lives, wanting it, feeling it and yet hiding it. Many of us felt shame and guilt and anger at ourselves. How coudl we want such a thing, how could we do such a thing. What was wrong with us. We bought, we skulked, we wore, we sweated, we panicked, we became guilty and ashamed and we purged. We breathed a sigh of relief, there it was over, gone, finito. Slowly but sure it creaped backed in and poked at us. Eventually we caved and it started all over again.

The problem was, it was never a problem. We felt guilty and ashamed for being us! That is the tragedy of all of this. We felt anger at ourselves for being ourselves, what a cruel trick life played on us.

I still feel guilty about it, old habits die hard. I would still shit my pants if anyone I knew found out. And yet, I ask myself why? That is the question I must now answer.

This forum has helped me a great deal to start pondering this again and I want to ponder it. I do not want to stuff it in a drawer and hope to forget about it. I want to understand that part of me, I want to make peace with it. Many of you have, many of you never had to. Many of you are going through this struggle too.

Thanks for giving us a place to relate and support each other on being us.

Melissa Eh!

P.S. I think it is time for me to write some shorter messages :eek: , get off my soap box :cool: and lighten up a bit... :D Sorry about going on and on and on about this...its cheaper than therapy - heh heh :p

[Elysia]

Melissa, I for one really appreciate the time you have put into this tread. You and PaulaJeanette and everyone who’s sharing here are doing something of value. I have read this thread with great interest. There’s no need to apologize for your sizable contributions… get it all out, you’re helping more than just yourself.

[diaperedbaby]

Many hit it on the head.
I think you should be up front on who you are.
Then let the chips fall
In my case, I am very femme to begin with.
Most would have some idea the minute they met me.
Only surprise to some is that I am not 100 percent gay

[melissacd]

Elysia,

Thanks. :)

Melissa Eh!

[Wendy-Anne]

Dear Paula-Jeanette,
My heart goes with you.
How much of our life is poisoned by furtiveness and fear?
At least things are sort-of out in the open.
I do hope that ther is now the oportunity for you to find the acceptance and love that goes to the very core of your being.
Its difficult to put the stopper back in the bottle once the genie is out!
Good luck...

[ChristineRenee]

Melissa...you have elequently articulated many, many of the sentiments and emotions that I have experienced about being a CD...a TG...and being married to someone who because of their cultural conditioning...still does not, or cannot, accept a situation that they previous have said that they were ok with. If you think it is difficult to have someone that you love, reject who you are after the fact of discovery, just imagine what it is like to marry someone who you have always accepted as who she was, and she likewise, knowing while we were still dating mind you, that I was a CD, and then deciding otherwise after the fact, since she apparently had thought that it was something that I would just give up or something that she could "change" about me, That I had somehow "changed the rules" about this. What "rules" are these? So, apparently, our unconditional love is conditional after all. Imagine that.

You know it is interesting. The woman I am married to is a woman of size..to put it delicately. She was overweight as a child...predominately through no fault of her own. She has had problems dealing with this condition for all of her life right into adulthood. She is very sensitive about it, and it has affected her self-esteem her whole life. We have been together for 12 years now...married nearly 11 of those 12 years. Never at any time in our relationship have I ever not accepted my wife for who she is and how she is. Would I like her to lose some weight? Well...yes...I would. Because there is also a health concern involved here. Would I ever insist on it as a condition of our relationship? Absolutely not....it would be unthinkable to me. It has to be something that she wants to do for HERSELF...for her own benefit and well-being....and yes...self-esteem. This is something that I cannot do for her...but most certainly I will support her...and have in the past when she has gone on a diet and lost a significant amount of weight only to regain almost all of it back again in a few short months. Much like the issue of being a CD, it is something that is always ongoing and never off of the front burner of your life.

I illustrate the weight issue with my wife to give you all some understanding of what it is like for me being a CD/TG and not being accepted or understood by the person I most thought would have been my biggest supporter in that regard, despite the fact that I have been her biggest supporter in her struggle with her weight issue, self-esteem, and overall feelings about her own femininity. Marriage, I had thought, was give and take. There have been times when I have thought...well...maybe I just want too much from her as far as acceptance goes. Then again, is it wanting too much to have your spouse of 11 years...the person that you love unconditionally...love you for the person YOU really are? Especially when that was supposedly one of the main reason's that she married me in the first place? She loved me for who I was...or at least until I "changed the rules" of this CD "thing" of mine, in her view now.

Well...I hope that I haven't hijacked this thread too badly with my own story here...but I did want to comment on what you have been talking about Melissa because it parallels somewhat my own experience here.

Paula...we have chatted often in the past but have not talked much lately at all...particularly since your outing has occurred. I hope that you know that I am available to you at any time if you would like to just chat or if you need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You are my friend and I care very deeply for you and about your situation. I am hoping and praying for you that everything turns out for the best. You most certainly deserve it girlfriend.

Thank you both for letting me "vent" in this thread...and like I said before...I hope that I haven't hijacked it off into some place that it didn't belong.

Much love,
Chrissie:)

[melissacd]

I very much appreciate what you have added to this thread. You hit upon a touch stone of what is wrong wih all of this. As much as we want to believe that our spouses offer unconditional love...til death do us part, for better or for worse...the reality is that that ain't the case.

The only love that is unconditional is the love of a parent for a child and then sometimes I wonder.

We go into marriage or the equivalent thereof with a whole pile of expectations, many of which are shattered in a short period of time, however, when we truelly love someone else we should be prepared to take the good with the bad.

You have been supportive of your wife through her weight issue and you should be able to expect the same unconditional love from her with this, especially in light of the fact that she knew going into your relationship that that was part of your baggage.

There is life the way we want it to be and there is life the way that it is...as much as we hope that we will be loved unconditionally and accepted warts and all, for who does not have eccentricities of some sort (it is what makes us so wonderful)...the sad truth is that love is conditional.

I wish you all the best on your situation and thanks very much for sharing you heart and soul with us.

Big hug to you and everyone else who has to deal with this type of situation...awww heck a hug to everyone on this board :)

Melissa Eh!

[wife-of-a-cd]

Hey paulajeanette, I am sorry for you dismay however I really think you should haved been up front from the biginning. At least then if she loved you she would look at it at a different angle. (ie) well he chose me, and he asked me out, he says he is not gay, he did chase after me not a guy etc).
My husband has been dressing since the beginning. I found out early in our relation ship and realized that this had nothing to do with me not being enough woman for him. It is who he is and I have to say I love him and would not have it any other way. He is so loving and we go shoping together. She is not passable and I really don't care. we are older and will not live our lives for others and nor should you. I say go for it but be honest, loving and sincere. Explain to her that it is not her and that you have been this way since you were born. or better yet have he join the forum and be part of it, or she can write me personaly. at wife-of-a-cd@adelphia.net I would love to help her understand.
Linda

[melissacd]

Linda

I love your post!

In a very short amount of space you have captured so much so beautifully.

Thanks for being the wonderful and understanding wife that you are. Thanks for your offer of support to cross dressers. Your husband is a very lucky man.

Hugs
Melissa Eh!

[Melissa A.]

Yup, most of us have experienced alot of the same things, at one time or another, in one way or another. And alot of the same feelings. Fear, heartbreak, self-hate, confusion, the relief and feelings of "control" when we have purged, the nagging unhapiness that eventually ensues, and the contradictions we feel when we come back to it. In my past, I more than once, while dressing and enjoying it, asked, "Why me?". What a way to live.

That is why I said to melissa in an earlier post here that it is surprisingly hard, even for a crossdresser who is starting to realise that this a part of who she is, to really, really believe that there is nothing wrong with it. We always defer.
Everytime my wife went nuts, after catching me yet again, I was always sorry. Never tried to defend myself, or explain why we need to discuss this, and come to some compromise. Even though I was screaming it inside.

Paula and melissa, the three of us are in many ways textbook, as far as what many married crossdressers experience. That doesn't mean we are not unique individuals, or that our spouses are not either. Just that we are human, and share alot of common experiences and associated feelings. If you graphed it, time wise, Paula and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum and melissa, you are somewhere in the middle. And there are differences in how we handled or are thinking about handling it. I made lots of mistakes, and wasn't nearly as articulate or in touch with my feelings as melissa is when I was where she is. That came a little later for me.

But I made it, girls. I made it to a place where I am finally tasting true happiness, for the first time in my life, I believe. I hope you don't think I am bragging. That's not my purpose here. Alot of pain was experienced, and I can't say did everything right. After all, my marriage did NOT survive. So my scenario was obviously not best-case.

melissa, my tears for you are real. Your description of where you are now in your relationship simply overwhelmed me. I felt every word, honey, almost physically. How sad is it that I, hundreds of miles away, feel so powerfully, and understand what you are experiencing so many more times than she does? How sad is not only her lack of understanding, and inability to have any concern for how this makes you feel, but the fact that she is so oblivious? I know she's not a bad person, melissa, and I don't mean to imply that. Like you said, she is a product of society and maybe not too unusual. But she seems to have no idea what this is doing to you and how precarious you two are right now. What it is doing to you is what makes me so sad. You are getting to that point where you are feeling something worse than anger or frustration, that is, nothing. And she doesn't even know, or realize how big a part she played in where you are. And when you eventually confront her with it, she probably still won't. Makes me sad.

Now that I have complely brought you down(I just re-read that paragraph, I'm sorry!), I hope I can be somewhat encouraging. Even though we have had similar experiences and feelings, the path we take will probably be different, in many ways. If it doesn't work for you two, I know you probably won't make the mistake of trying to supress by getting married again, and hoping the same mistakes work this time, like I did. That was a disaster for me, from start to finish. Like I said, you are much further along in your self-realization than I was, when I was where you are. So the way we get there is different for everyone, but I go back to what I said earlier. You have to really believe that who you are is ok, in every way. And whatever happens, never stray from that belief. If you do, I know you will find the peace and happiness you are seeking. Whether it is with her, by yourself, or with someone else. Though We have never met, I feel a kinship with you, and I know you won't ever give up being true to who you are. The sad things you are experiecing now won't kill you-but they will almost certainly make you stronger. And from strength comes courage. The things that used to worry me or bother me seem so unimportant now. It really is amazing when I look back.

Paula, your journey is just starting in many ways, and you may have someone with whom there is a chance to come to some agreements and a chance to be happy together. I would say you need to take care and be patient. As melissa said, the choices are never easy, and patience and understanding is one of the choices you may have to make right now. At the same time, now that the cat's out of the bag,(and the truly hard part is just beginning!), You also, should never stray from being true to who you are.

[Melissa A.]

Sorry, I wasnt done. Dont know how that happened. Grrrr!

I don't want either of you to think I am presenting myself as a blueprint on how to be a happy cd. Like I said, the road we take is different for everyone. And I know that nothing I have said in this post is a new revelation to either of you. All I want is to offer my love, empathy, and words of encouragement. I am not a spectacular or special individual, and I found my way to happiness(a continuing process), peace and self acceptance. With thatr came positive changes in every area of my life. If I can do it, I know you both can. However you get there, I wish you every bit of strength and luck(sometimes necessary, I've had some!) you both can find.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[maximillian]

Thanks for the hug Melissa Eh! Enjoyed it - it was very nice! :D
I have been reading with interest this thread from the beginning, & I have to say that Melissa....I just want to give you a huge cuddle. Like others have said, you have a way of telling the story, that makes us all cry for you. I am so sorry...if there was something I could do, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Paula, thank you for starting this thread, although the circumstances weren't ideal. I really hope things work out for you both.

As a GG, whose partner loves to dress en femme, I am always struggling with it & have good days & bad days. Kylee told me before we were married (almost 12 years ago now) that she liked to wear silky nighties...but that was because she liked the feel of the material. I could never personally feel the difference between cotton & satin...but in my logical brain, that sounded feasible, so I accepted it. Fast forward a few years, & those satin nighties turned into wearing my panties most days (not every day). This still was ok...a little bit funny for me...but still ok. Fast forward another few years, & I began to realise that there was no more cotton mens underwear in the wash, or boxer shorts...hhhmmm....he's wearing womens panties 24/7. Mmmm...ok...starting to freak out a little now, but there was nothing else to suggest there was anything else going on. Then we have a discussion...all of a sudden there's breast forms, nails, dresses, high heels, wigs....Oh My God....there's MORE!? I really kinda freaked.....this is waaaaay more than the feel of satin on your skin. This is wanting to look like a woman. Now I'm scared.

But Kylee & I have good communication. We talked a lot, & she NEVER asked me to meet Kylee (that was another scare...this other 'woman' had a NAME!). She NEVER pushed me to do anything I didn't want to, although she let me know what her fantasies were, & she let me work at my pace. I did nothing for years. I didn't want to ever see her dressed fully...I can accept nighties, & that was fine. I don't want to see my husband with breasts & heels....they're mine! :p

Anyway...Kylee bought "My Husband Betty", & we kinda looked/browsed through it....we're good ideas people, just not good at following through on things! So I think I might have read one chapter.... :o But, after a few discussions, I agreed to meet Kylee. It wasn't as scary as I thought....a bit odd maybe...but not scary.

Well...to cut this short....since finding this forum, I have found that I am so much more open to Kylee. This thread has been wonderful for me, because I can really see things from your point of view...not just mine. I thank you all for being so open. It has helped me, & I'm sure a lot of other people as well. I have booked Kylee for a make over for her birthday - learn make up tips, dress up & just have a girly day. I will come along too (I need make up tips too!!! :D )

Kylee is sitting beside me now. She is going out Sunday, meeting with other 'girls', & it will be the first time Kylee has left the house, let alone meeting others like her. She is very excited, & wanted to work out what to wear, make up etc.....I don't think we would have come as far as we have, if it hadn't have been for everyone here being so candid & opening up their lives for others. I really appreciate it.

I didn't want to type forever, but thought I'd let you all know that what you are doing is helping others...so I thank you. Kylee & I are lucky to have each other, & our communication is what's kept us together. Communication is the key......keep taking baby steps...you never know what your partners tolerance level is....speak up, she may surprise you. Kylee did...& look where she is! I understand that everyone is different....but I guess Kylee & I are lucky. We do love each other unconditionally...(plus, when Kylee's around, I know I can get anything I want! She's very agreeable!)

Big hugs,
Tracey

[Melissa A.]

Hi Tracey,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your support and love for Kylee is an inspirational story. You may not have always understood, but you tried to. And Kylee showed the same patience and understanding that you did. That's what two people in love do. They care.

We are all better for having met you both, and hearing your story. Thank you, and lots of hugs to you both. Good luck on Sunday. I hope you both have fun!

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[melissacd]

Tracey,

Thanks for your wonderful words. Just makes me wanna hug everyone all over again.

I am very encouraged by what you said. I ponder how I can try and make those baby steps once again. It seem so hard. Based on her initial reaction and by the way after she first found out she did not touch me or speak nicely to me for almost a year, I am very scared to even try a baby step. I guess that is why I said in an earlier post that I was considering putting this on hold for 5 years. In that way my kids would be of legal age and if I broached the subject with her again and she went ballistic again, at least it would have less of an impact on my children. Not to say that my wife and I breaking up wouldn't have an effect on them, but I would hope by then it would be easier for them to handle.

What I am trying to say is that I am pondering what my next step will be. Letters like yours make me feel hopeful, although my wife's initial reaction was not just freaking out, it was more like an atomic bomb. One year of penalizing me for this was tough. If she reacted to that extreme again I think that I would have no choice but to leave. I could not go through that again.

Anyway, thanks for all your love and support. I have learned much more about how I feel about this and I believe that I have made some good friends along the way.

Hugs
Melissa Eh!

[Dragster]

Well, I'm back after my short holiday, and as I thought, there were "millions" of posts to catch up on, but this is the only one I've read so far. And what a response it has generated! I can see that many of you are in a similar situation to myself, and it has been really helpful to me to share your grief. In the hope you may gain from me telling you my story, here is my latest situation.

While I was away for the last week, I read the rest of "My Husband Betty" (there's a lot of really interesting and useful stuff for non-transition CDs even after the first 4 chapters) after I offered it to my wife. She says she will read it, but did not to take me up on my suggestion of reading it together and discussing it as we went along. That's OK with me, but I wonder whether she is really willing to communicate on this subject at all. She is still saying that it will not change her mind, that she thinks it's disgusting that men want to dress up as women, and never wants to see me like that. She also asked me again why I wasn't honest with her when we decided to marry 35 years ago. When I asked "Would it have made a difference?", I got the answer "Of course it would have made a difference! You didn't tell me the truth". Another telling comment "Then you wonder why I'm not too keen to have sex with you when I know that's what you want tio do!" I let it go at the time, in the hope that things will calm down, and what's in the book may make a difference, but I'm not too hopeful. I also reminded her that I'm still the same person she married (with a little maturity thrown in now!), and will be the same person when she has read the book that I was last week. We're not having a fight over it, otherwise things seem quite normal. I also reminded her how much I loved her, and that I haven't changed my view that she is the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

At the moment, thing seem to be normal. I suggested she reads one chapter at a time, and then asks me all the questions from that which bother her, or she wants answers to. But I still wonder whether she will read it, or bring up the subject again herself, whether or not she reads it. We don't have a good track record of openly discussing anything to do with sex, and I would dearly love to have that sort of "no inhibitions, no pre-conditions" dialogue with her. I'll wait, a long time if I have to, before I mention this subject again, and in the mean time, I'll take a close interest in developments in your own situations. My sympathies go out to all of you who are in the same boat. May you all find solutions which are right for you, and maybe by sharing our failures and successes, we'll gain from that.

Good luck,
Tony

[michelle-jean]

sit down with her and talk it out.that crap that you are the man of the house don,t go there.you are the other human being of the house and your need to dress in womans clothes at times is apart of you and your self.i agree it is a one sided world when men can,t dress the way they feel like dressing.but if woman want to put on jeans that belong to there husband because theres are in the cleaners its ok.they just do it and they like it.if they want to ware a suite and tie togo out some where its ok and they like it and no one says any thing about it other than how great they look.so be nice and tell the truth. this is apart of you and you have a need to be a whole human being.but tell the truth.don,t say i am sorry.unless you are saying that you are sorry for not telling her the truth,then ok.i will hope that you both will take it slow and easy and work it out.we are all with you and your wife as long as you both tell the truth.michelle jean.(mrs.highheels)p.s. my wife knows everything about me and it is ok.i told the truth.

[vanessaleigh]

Wow! Where to begin!

This has been an intellectually and emotionally challenging thread to read and I am impressed by some of the wisdom and so much of the heart that is shared here.

I have been married for 28 years and was married for 20 before I told my wife about this need. I never got caught, we raised a family, I did all of the right things, but this never, ever went away or was far from my thinking. I used the letter method to tell my wife because I knew that the only way for me to communicate all of it was to get it down on paper so that she could read, reread and ask questions. Introducing the subject through conversation would have been an emotional nightmare that would have created more confusion and pain than either of us could endure.

So, you might ask, "How did it go?" Well, okay I guess, at the time. She was upset, I think angry about it but also afraid for me and broken hearted for me at the same time. I didn't doubt her love and she proved I didn't need to. That was the good part. The bad part was that she didn't know how to deal with it and even after living with it for 30 years, neither did I. So back in the closet went the unnamed Vanessa. And back into denial, depression and stuggle went the male counterpart.

For six or seven years (the memories are getting foggy) we struggled with this. Discussions would begin and end, but there was no resolution and no relief. Twice, my wife tried to allow herself to permit some of the femme side of me to see the light in very small ways, but then would recoil as she became shocked at her own behavior in trying to accept me for who I was.

She was so bothered by all of this that she even decided to separate from me after our youngest daughter graduated high school. Thank God she didn't follow through on that one! Things were complicated even further because of issues with her being bi-polar. It was not an easy time.

Through the whole time, I just kept trying to love her the best I could. Flowers, regular dates, surprises, hugs, kisses, squeezes and regular lusting after her were methods I used to communicate my love for her. I also bought and read the book "The Five Languages of Love" which I highly recommend. It helped me to figure out her love language so that I could offer her my love in ways that were easy for her to appreciate.

A little over a year ago we went to California to visit my daughter and her new husband (a Marine) since they did us the kindness of making us empty nesters. We were starting to enjoy the togetherness we had shared as a childless couple 20 years earlier and THE subject came up again. That night my wife reduced me to tears with a comment (it was only the second time she had ever seen me cry) and I went into the bedroom and quietly closed the door. A few minutes later she came in and took my hand and said that she was wrong to have made this thing so hard because it is only about some pieces of cloth and that we were still us and very much still in love.

Since then things have been wonderful. She truly loves me for who I am and she has taught me that it is okay for me to like me too. The self loathing and disgust are gone from my life. She has bought me gifts, gone shopping with me, loves to be my photographer, has gone with me to a five day en-femme getaway and regularly tries to get me to go out and have fun with her. She has gone from being my best friend to being both my best friend and a best girlfriend and it is fantastic. It isn't always perfect, but we are both learning.

For those of you struggling with telling your wife or SO, all I can say is, it is better to tell her in truth and love and then work through it than it is to damage your relationship by getting caught. If you are past the point of her knowing but you still haven't gotten acceptance, love her with everything you've got and make her feel like the most prized woman on the planet. Don't push on the CD issues and give her time to work it out in her mind but help her if she will accept the help. If you already have acceptance, you know how fortunate you are. If you don't treasure and protect what you have, you alone will regret it. There is nothing as wonderful and fulfilling as a relationship with a person that accepts you 100 percent as you are. Unconditional love is incredible.

One last thing about reading books. I have read more than 20 books so far on this subject and you can find a lot of good counsel and many errors in some of them. Helen Boyd's book is great, and Helen is terrific if you get to meet her, but my wife didn't care for that book. She did see some value in the first four chapters, but her opinion was that if she had read the book before she came to acceptance, for her it would have slowed the process. There are other books worth reading like Peggy Rudd's books and others. Many are available at bookstores if you live in a larger city, otherwise Amazon works great. The big trick with any of the books is to figure out how the author's message contributes to your wife's understanding of who you are. If the book is strongly about TS and you are only CD, be careful. You can give your wife the wrong ideas. I personally am very grateful for the many books, web sites and forums like this one that have both educated my wife and I and also served to help us develop friendships and just stay sane in this crazy world.

[Dragster]

What a great story Vanessa. As you may have read from my post (above), I'm 35 years into my marriage, and in the 15 years since I told my wife, the subject has been verboten. Motivated by the many words of encouragement I've seen on this site, I bought "My Husband Betty", read it myself, and am now waiting for her to read chapter 1 and start asking questions, which she said she'd rather do, than my suggestion of reading it together and discussing each isue as it came up. Whether she will have the motivation to do that remains to be seen, but I'm not going to push her, just leave her to go at her own pace. Her reaction when I told her I'd bought it and offered it to her does not raise my hopes of the miraculous transformation in SO's attitude that you experienced, but that has given me some hope that maybe things could change. I've already told her that whether she reads the book or not, or whether she changes her mind or not, I'm still the same person I was before I brought the subject up again, and she is still the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I note your comments on only the first four chapters being relevant to CDers (as I am), and I've no wish to give her the wrong idea that I'm TS (I'm not). Many thanks for your words, which have been a great encouragement.

Tony

[Selina]

Hi Vanessa,
It's always nice to hear a happy resolution! Glad that you got things worked out, even if it took so long.

Hugs, Sel.

[PaulaJeanette]

Dragster,

Welcome back! Glad to hear, you are still together and making some progress with gaining acceptance for your crossdressing from your wife. In many ways, we're two peas in a pod.

As for telling my wife I was a crossdressers before getting married, my wife's reaction would have been exactly the same as yours. Sorry to say, I think it would have made a difference and we may not have gotten married...but that's history. Although painful, I now have the matter of lying to contend with on top of the issue of crossdressing. But like you, I will try to move forward and, as everyone has encouraged, keep the lines of communication wide open.

For me that is a bit difficult since I tend to be a non-verbal type and avoid confrontation with loved ones. This experience of being caught will force me to change my ways.

I hope to get a copy of MHB in a week or so when out of town. Thank you for sharing your wife's reaction about reading the book...I will take that into account.

Paula J

[Dragster]

Yes, we've got a lot in common Paula, I think it's going to be a long job for both of us, and we may not get to where we want to go. I'll keep you all in the picture on progress, but don't expect anything too soon.

BTW, I got my copy of MHB from Amazon. It came within 24 hours, in plain cardboard container!

Good Luck,
Tony

[PaulaJeanette]

Well, I just wanted to drop a quick note that my wife and I leave tomorrow for a short out of town trip. While on the trip, one of the things I want to accomplish is to have a peaceful and, hopefully, serious and civil discussion about my crossdressing. I realize this will not be the last and many more will follow, but at least it will set the stage.

One main goal of this first discussion is to educate her on what I know and have learned about the topic of transvestism and crossdressing throughtout my years of doing it. Especially, that I can't just quit...the desires always come back! I've tried several times to rid it from my life and only to have the desires return. My crossdressing is an integral part of my personality. That crossdressing has been a big personal secret and a huge burden throughtout my life. I've never shared it with anyone...and she is the only person who has seen me dressed. That I am not a freak...one in a million...but one of millions...4-5 percent of male population enjoy dressing in women's clothes. I am not gay, have no desires to become a woman, or live full-time as a woman. I do not want or intend to go out of the house dressed as a woman. I just want to enjoy private moments.

If we can get throught this list and not head for the lawyer's office, I think we have a good chance.

Also, since she'll return home ahead of me, I plan to find and purchase the book "My Husband Betty".

Venessa:

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. You will never know how much and what an inspiration your post has been. Yours is such a beautiful story! I only hope to be as lucky as you.

Everyone else:

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and insightful perspectives. Your input will also be part of this trip and discussion with my wife.

Until later,

Paula J

[Selina]

Hi Paula,
Just wanted to wish you good luck with your trip...
Hope you manage to get your points across.

Good luck!

Hugs, Selina.

[Melissa A.]

Hi Paula,

I just wanted to wish you strength and luck on your trip, as well. I hope it is a positive step for both of you. Let us know. I'll be thinking of you.


Vanessa, that was a heartwarming story. You and your wife are both to be commended for being able to see what is really important. Thank you for sharing your experience.


Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Helana]

Paula

Good luck. No matter how logically you present your case you will be fortunate if she accepts it all. The information may get through but her acceptance of CDing will probably take a long time to take hold. Its really an emotive issue than a knowledge issue and is more about her fears for the relationship. Fears and paranoias cannot be overcome through information alone but will need a lifetime of love and affection from you.

[Softboy]

Thanks Carrah,
I showed my wife (who is very understanding of my crossdressing) what you had written in your post,and she could'nt agree more. I wear what I want,where I want and she does'nt have A problem with it. She loves me for who I am and understands that, "that's just the way he is" he likes to dress in feminine clothes and he's more comfortable that way. Let him be himself. :)
Thanks :)

[emmicd]

Dear Paula,

Your story sounds awfully familiar to me! I can even draw experiences from my own life. I too am a closet cross dresser and I too was discovered in the act. It's not an easy road and it will certainly be a bumpy one at that. It seems your thread has certainly received a great response. That means you're not the only one out there. You are among many and you certainly have a good audience to discuss this matter with!

I wish you both well and hope your wife can find the reason she married you and is able to get past the cross dressing. There are a lot of guys who cross dress and most are perfectly normal in every respect with the one exception that they like to wear dresses on occasion!

Good Luck!

Emmi

[liz lesbow]

HI , Hang in there. I told my wife two weeks ago by accident. (see liz lezbo’s member intro) My fears weer large to say the least. That is how I came to join the group. Now since I told her we have been shopping there times. I asked her to go into Fredrick’s and buy me one pair of panties just to see what she would pick out. . She came out with six pair. We went shopping for a 42B bra ( my first that fits) . She paid for it. I guess the only problem with our shopping together is that she wants new dress’s as well so everything costs me double. She seems to accept me in the house but keeps saying she will not go out with me. I have been wearing lipstick and short night gowns or bra every night since. Her biggest problem is she says she is afraid that I might turn gay. The most fun part is that when we go out to dinner she wears my #8 forms and she loves them. All and all after the first two weeks we seem to accepting the new situation. Our love life has improved and we seem to talk to each other more about how much we love each other . I make sure to tell her every day how much I love and appreciated her acceptance of me. After over 30 years of marriage I whish I had told her when I married her. Just look at the fun I missed sharing with her.

So hang in there. I hope everything works out for you both. My guess is that a whole new world has opened up to you both.

[JoannaDees]

There are some wonderful and thought provoking responses above....except for those who gloat that they're not in that circumstance - and were smart enough to get everything clear up front...well, woopee for you...that doesn't help our sister one bit.


I believe the ones who say they told up front provide a valuable, valuable, valuable lesson. DO IT UP FRONT! It is too late for those who have been married many years, as up front was awhile ago and I'm sure they thought they were the only freak in the world. But anybody getting into a new relationship? Tell them. If you are afraid to, just read the first post in this thread again. And all the other stories of the wife finding out.

And I'd have to agree with Carrah to a certain extent. You should empathize with her, but certainly not give yourself up and become a doormat. If she demands you throw out your femme clothes, demand she throw out her non-femme attire. AND demand she start dressing like a woman. No pants, skirts. Heels, always. Always made up and pretty. Now this was only for emphasis, not reality, and to show equality is required.

I am prepared to be single for the remainder of my life. I'm open to a new relationship, but only as "me". No hiding, no losing myself to please her.

[PaulaJeanette]

Ladies,

Hello again. First of all, I want to say that my wife and I are still together....and better than that...my loving and wonderful wife has acknowledged my crossdressing and, more importantly, accepts it as a part of me. I CAN NOW DRESS WHEN I SO DESIRE AND DEEM IT APPROPRIATE.

Yes, can you believe it!!! I can now wear panties under my clothes with her knowledge...whenever I want to....even sleep with panties on and, if I wanted to, even wear a nightgown to bed. Of course, I can only do this when our young adult daughter is not at home. She also acknowledged that she was and is aware that I will dress up during the day when I'm alone at home and she and our daughter are at work.

Oh my gosh...my head is spinning....I'm taking deep breaths. Naturally, I'm dressed right now in black lingerie, pantyhose, and 4" heels, as I type this post...my hands are shaking and my heart is beating so fast! Today is the first time I've been dressed and feel so free and truly relaxed. And it feel WONDERFUL! For me, crossdressing takes on a new meaning from this day forward.

When I started this entry, I realized it has been quite a long time since I last posted something in this thread and that I owe each of you an apology for not keeping you abreast of what has been going on. I'm sorry; please accept my apologies.

Many of you have been so comforting with you words of support and kindness...but, most importantly, your prayers. I know without a doubt that all of your collective strength helped. For without it, my wife and I would not be where we are today...still together. Needless to say, these past few months and weeks had been rather difficult...and at times we've been distant with one another. BUT do you know what...that was a blessing in disguise....not pressing the issue of my crossdressing and not wanting to discuss head on was the best thing I could have done. It gave her time to think and process the information and facts; it gave her time to resolve things for HERSELF! I'm just so glad she came to the conclusion that my crossdressing wasn't a reason for us to NOT continue as a couple.

WOW...and yes, I know, I'm so lucky to be married to this woman!

Like everyone else who has shared their crossdressing with their spouses, my wife has made know a few things....mainly some ground rules...and I can live with them.

In the coming days, I will share more of what has transpired between us with all of you. Again, thank you for all your love and support.

PaulaJeanette

[emmicd]

Paula,

I'm happy for the both of you and hope your wife will come to fully accept you as you are including your femme side. I know though you will have to exercise restraint. Don't go all out because it could be a serious turnoff to your wife. I know from experience. Just take it day by day and never dress in front of your children if that is a concern of your wife.

Do your dressing as you can and so as not to offend her.

My wife knows and she sees me wearing womens swimsuits underneath my male clothing sometimes or my femme jeans. On a good day she won't say anything but on a bad day she will get upset and scream at me why am I always wearing girls clothes! She's not always so calm about it. One thing though I always will wear are womens trousers or jeans because I can seemingly wear them and not attract to much attention. I still don't feel comfortable wearing only a woman's swimsuit in front of my wife or bras and panties or body briefer either. Don't get me wrong I love wearing them but I can't take the risk of my wife seeing me dressed like that nor my 6 year old.

I am happy your wife is coming around. Just be careful and dress not to offend!

You know what I mean.

Good Luck to you both!

Emmi

[ladyjim]

Thats wonderful Paula! There are women out there who do understand; in fact it was my ex girlfriend who saw the female half hidden in me and encouraged me to go more a la femme! She still buys me panties , hose and the like for my birthday etc. PS I have to say, you have terrific legs!

[DonnaT]

Good news indeed Paula. Congratulations. Just remember, don't overdo it. :)

As you know, for many it's a rollercoaster ride, so she will have her ups and downs. My wife has for 29 years.

[Melissa Ryan]

Hi Paula! Isn't it amazing, how you do feel so much more at ease with yorself, once the most important person in our life begins to accept us for the whole person we are!
As they say"small steps". Best wishes to you and your wife. And to so many more of you who are going and gone through hard and emotional lives, my wife and I hope so much for you all to find happiness ....Good Luck!

Melissa

[Holly]

Paula,

What a tremendous relief this must be for you! As the others have already said, be careful not to get "caught up" in the excitement and over do. And by all means, abide by any ground rules that the two of you mutually agree to. But mostly, enjoy your new freedom and contimue to expore and nuture Paula. (By the way, a nice little, "I Love You" gift to your wife would be VERY appropriate right now).

[Tamara Croft]

Wow that is great news Paula, I'm really reallllllllllly pleased for you :hugs: So... these rules.... want to shed some light on those, or not :D

[katheverson]

Wow... I have just spent the last hour or so reading this entire thread. My head is still spinning a bit as I continue to digest all of the information.

Paula, I am so happy to read that your wife has accepted your crossdressing. I would also like to express my sincere thanks to all who have contributed to this thread, especially the SOs who were kind enough to make their viewpoints known. All of our stories are meshed together with similarities, but each presents its own set of issues and challenges.

I hope you all don’t mind if I share a little about my situation.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and we have two wonderful children. By all accounts, we have a wonderful life. Like many, I was too afraid and immature to consider sharing my secret with my wife before we were married. Also, I had no idea where Cd'ing fit into my life at that time. It was still this nagging thing that just wouldn't go away. So, I just pushed the thoughts away, in hopes that they would go away now that I was going to be married and moving away from home.

My wife has always been a very loving and understanding person, yet I still carried on with the feelings guilt and fear of what could happen if I told her my secret. Finally, about 5 years into our marriage, I decided that I could no longer live with the fear and guilt. So one night I took a very uneducated leap and told her that I liked to wear some of her clothes. At the time, I only wore stockings or pantyhose and some of her negligees and teddies (left over wedding gifts). Much to my surprise, she did not appear hurt or upset. She seemed to be accepting and she told me that I should not feel guilty about wanting to wear these things. However, she made it very clear that she did not want to participate or be involved in any way.

Needless to say, I was very relieved. I felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. We didn't really talk about it anymore for the next several months. I realize now that this was a mistake. From time to time, she would make a comment or ask me if I had 'dressed up'. I still had some feelings of shame, so I would always answer 'No...'. I'm sure she wondered why I always said no, when she suspected otherwise. Gradually I felt the courage to explore a little more on my own. I was able to buy my first wig and a pair of shoes. I started really experimenting with her makeup and just having a great time with it. Then, a couple of months later, the subject somehow came up in conversation again. Since she knew about me wearing some of her things, I felt confident enough to share with her about the wig and makeup. For some reason, that just set her off. Her attitude completely changed. I am not sure if it changed at that point, or if she had just been thinking about all of it for a while and had gradually developed a different viewpoint. She said that she didn't realize I liked to dress up "all the way", and that she just could not deal with that. I didn't put up a fight or even attempt to defend myself. I was basically in shock.

I promised her that I would throw out the wig (and I did, along with everything else I had accumulated over the past several months). I made a promise to her and to myself that I would never dress again. I kept good on that promise for about 6 months. Due to my work schedule at the time, I was home alone several days a week. Before long, the desires to dress came back full force. This was in early 2002. Over the next couple of years, I continued to keep my dressing a secret, and I went through several cycles of dressing, purging, and denial. I began to notice that my stress level was increasing dramatically and I would get upset over the smallest things. I was having trouble sleeping and the guilt was basically eating me up inside. I tried to bury myself in work, in hopes that the thoughts of dressing would just go away. This just added to my stress level.

So I found myself at the end of 2004. Our life was still great (outwardly), but inwardly, I continued to deal with the same feelings of guilt and betrayal over keeping this big secret from my wife. I never had the urge to tell her about it or bring it up in conversation again after her reaction back in 2002. I was basically miserable inside.

I am not sure what triggered it, but earlier this year I just decided enough was enough. I did a lot self-analysis and soul searching, and I came to the conclusion that:

1) I am not a bad person because I crossdress
2) If anything, being in touch with my feminine side probably makes me a better husband and father
3) These unfounded feelings of guilt are tearing me apart inside, and I want no more of it...

So, this year has been a groundbreaking one as far as me coming to terms with myself and how Cd'ing fits into my personality and into my life as a whole. I have finally gathered the courage to participate in forums such as this one and I have found so many people in situations similar to my own.

Now, the biggest challenge is in front of me. How do I ever go about telling my wife that I have been dressing on and off this whole time and that I am now comfortable with it? As far as she knows, I have not dressed again since 2002. I do not think that she will threaten to leave me or anything like that. My greatest fear now that I have made peace within myself is that she will ask me to stop dressing altogether. How will I respond to that? I was dealt a horrible blow the first time she reacted in a negative way back in 2002. I'm not sure how I will be able to handle a reaction like that again. I feel like I am so prepared and ready to tell her, but I just cannot force myself to do it. There have been so many situations and conversations between us lately where it just seemed like the right time to tell, but I have yet to do so.

Again, thank you all for sharing your stories and advice on this thread - especially you, Paula for having the courage to share with the rest of us as you continue on this journey of acceptance with your wife. I will hopefully be able to put it all to good use at some point in the near future.

[Crunchie]

hi paula..i hope you and your wife can work this out good luck

[PaulaJeanette]

Kath,

Oh, how I know what you may be feeling, thinking and going through. Over the past two months, there were a few times where it appeared to be an appropriate time to discuss my crossdressing with my wife, but for different reasons I didn't. In hindsight, because things have turned out for the good, I can't say whether it was for the better or not. Only you can decide.

Basically, that's what this all boils down to be...a decision between you and your wife. You both need to find that comfort zone/level at which both of you can accept one another's position, views, and behaviours. AND, I can say this...it will require some change(s) for both you. AND, once you reach this agreement, just know that it isn't final and everlasting. In many ways, I also will be on the alert for a change of direction.

As for changes, for you, it may mean you have to cut back on how much, when, or what you do when you dress in order to give her more time to come to terms with your crossdressing. And be honest and truthful...don't respond to conditions you know you can't fulfill. If she asks if you're still crossdressing, respond that you're a crossdresser (or transvestite), have been one all of your life, and this condition/behaviour will never go away. As someone shared with me earlier...tell her..."you're not one IN A million but one OF millions of males who crossdress"...and make sure she understands the difference. So, you will need to own up to the fact that you were not truthful when she asked if you still crossdressed and that you're now asking for her forgiveness. Basically, you need to address all of the fears that she may have.

For her, she needs to understand and accept the fact that you're still the same person she married...with some enhancements. She also needs to clearly acknowledge that your crossdressing will never go away. From what you've written it appears that may have been an expectation on her part. Emphasize that you're the father of your two children and they need both parents throughout their lives. Work on as many positives for staying together and, as you stay together, you both will change and evolve.

Also, you can do things that will be to both your benefits...more so for you. Don't push your crossdressing on her...if she feels uncomfortable, then back off.

What happened between my wife and I recently has been good for both of us. It was painful...that's for sure but we are both making changes and not taking things for granted. Especially for me, I have always wondered why and for what reasons spouses accept and later reverse themselves. You're not the only one who has been thru this reversal. I'm sure many of those that have experienced it will share their experiences.

For me, I know I'm lucky at least for the time being. Right now, I'm dedicated to change and learn whatever it is about myself and my crossdressing, but most especially, I'm willing to make changes where it concerns with my wife. I want our marriage to last; I want to teach her more about my crossdressing but not force feed her.

I think the one great thing that transpired regarding my crossdressing is how we've been able to laugh about it. Once she mentioned that she didn't have a black full slip...so I went and bought her one. When I gave it to her, I commented..."that is one benefit of being married to a transvestite...we're not afraid of purchasing lingerie". A few weeks ago, she told me she had a new name (affectation) for me...goldie...as in goldilocks.

So, Kath, don't despair too much...focus on the positives, focus on your wife's needs, focus on where you want your marriage to go. For the time being, don't focus on what you want and your "rights" as a crossdresser. Become the loving husband your wife married 11 years ago.

Good luck!

Paula J.

[emmicd]

Kath,

I was touched by your story as I was touched by Paula's story because I have similarities that you both express so beautifully in your writing. As I'm reading your threads I'm thinking to myself that since you both write and describe how you feel so descriptively and honestly that writing it all down is a good form of therapy.

Therfore Kath I would suggest you pour your heart out in a writing for your wife expressing everything you feel and don't hold back. This is the time you should be in touch with your emotions and express it freely.

I'm sure your wife will gain a better understanding of you as a person and since you love your wife and children so much I think she could be understanding. You might even consider some joint counseling where you can both discuss your feelings or have a real heart to heart talk with her. It certainly won't be easy but you must do it!

You have your wife and family at stake and I see how very important that is to you.

I wish you all the best and hope you are able to have a favorable outcome like Paula!

Good Luck!

Emmi

[katheverson]

Paula J. and Emmi,

Thank you both so much for replying... I am definitely getting my gameplan together. I have been so close to just sitting her down and letting it all loose - even today.... I'm glad I didn't yet, because Emmi's idea about writing her a letter might actually work for us. I could let her read it, see how she reacts and just go from there. Otherwise, I am bound to miss some important points, or forget some thought that I really wanted to convey. Once she starts reacting, I may not be able to complete my train of thought. So thanks again Emmi, for that suggestion.

I will definitely be sure not to push it on her too fast and not try to exert my 'rights', etc.... I know how to talk to her and we have dealt with other serious issues pretty successfully throughout our marriage by just talking it through (as most of us have).

I don't know for sure when it will happen, but I will post an update if anything changes. Thank you all again for your kind support and suggestions.

[PaulaJeanette]

Well, today, I went back through this thread and noted I've left a few gaps in the dialogue that I need to update all of you on.

Yes, I was able to find and purchase a copy of MY HUSBAND BETTY while on our out of town trip. For those of you who are looking for a copy, I was successful at Borders but not at Barnes and Nobles. Since I wasn't in our local area and the sales associate would likely not see me again, I just found it on the shelf and paid for it...in drabs. Because I wasn't too sure of the author...Helen Boyd, I had to ask...which was a bit uncomfortable. Moving on...I've been reading MHB and like all others who've read it...it is marvelous reading...and easy reading. Once I finish it, I plan to share it with my wife so she can increase her knowledge of crossdressing/transvestism and hopefully expand her acceptance. One commonality I've come to notice between spouses who accept and those who don't is their underlying fear associated with and due to NOT being educated and knowledgable of what crossdressing is about.

And that's where patience comes in. In my case, while I can't confirm this, I believe my wife did some research on her own. Being a smart woman, I believe she either went on line, to the library, or gained access to some other sources. I say this because she said a lot of the "right things" when she "gave me her approval" to continue crossdressing. She said "I know you can't help yourself and you need to do this; it's OK, and I accept it", "you're still a good man", "it must have been hard having to carry and hid this secret from everyone throughout your life", etc. I can't tell you how much relief I felt upon hearing those words from HER; it meant A LOT to me.

Once I heard those words, it is amazing how much more relaxed and less guarded I felt to discuss and disclose more about myself and my crossdressing. When she asked me..."where do you keep your things...I need to know so I can get them in the event something happens to you...I don't want the kids to find them", I simply answered "in the garage...hidden in some boxes." She followed up with, "does anyone in your family know", my response was very straightforward and honest "no..I don't think so".

We then moved on to her recollections of the day she came home and caught me dressed. She says all she recalls seeing is me in "shiny patent leather heels and in nylons"...I was wearing pantyhose and 4" black patent leather pumps. "Where did you get them?" she asked. My response was "at a shoes store". "Did you try them on in the store?" she followed. And I said "no...it took a few times...through trial and error. I'd figured out what size I wore and got them...do you know how hard it is to buy shoes without having to try them on first? And, I had to throw away the ones that didn't fit."

Next she asked me whether I was wearing a wig...which I wasn't. I don't own a wig. "Were you wearing a skirt...I seem to remember you with a skirt." I told her "no, I wasn't wearing a skirt...I had on a black lace teddy." Upon hearing that she chuckled a bit. I don't know what she found humorous but didn't ask. Maybe, she didn't think I could find or fit into that type of women's lingerie...I don't know.

Oh, I see that I've gone on for quite a while and I need to get to an appointment, so I end here. There are other pieces that I still want to share with all of you...stay tuned!

Hugs,

Paula J

[DonnaT]

Kathe, I think writing down your feelings is a good idea.

If, during the period where you couldn't dress, you acted different - exhibiting more stress, working longer hours, etc. Especially things your wife might not have liked, and now that you are dressing again, have overcome, you might want to include them in your writings.

Good luck.

[katheverson]

Ok, an update for everyone....

I couldn't take it anymore, so I did it... last night.

I finally just mustered up the courage and laid it all out there for my wife. We talked for about 4 hours. I took it slow and just started from the beginning. I explained how I have come to accept this part of me and how I am still the same person that she married. I also told her that I have been secretly dressing for the past couple of years. She told me that she had suspected it, but had never wanted to bring it up. I was surprised at this, because I thought she was clueless about it. I also assured her that my need to dress would never come before the needs of our family and my responsibilities as a husband and father.

She asked me if I had ever considered changing my sex, to which I answered an honest 'no'. I tried to make it clear that even while dressed, I am still 'me'. My dressing is just an extension of my personality that must be expressed. I think that made her feel a little more comfortable about it. She still does not want to be involved with it in any way, other than being there if I need to talk. While I would love for her to see Katherine and be more involved, I can completely accept her position in this area. I am just so thankful that she accepts this part of me and has agreed to talk about it if I ever need or want to. We both made a commitment to not let the subject become a source of stress or resentment between us. I think the only way to make this happen is by keeping the communication lines open.

There are many levels of success in a situation like this, but I would consider our outcome very successful. It felt so great to finally get this out in the open. I think I did a much better job of getting my thoughts and ideas across this time around. Now that the can of worms is open so to speak, we still have to take it day by day. I'm sure that once it all sinks in, she will come up with more questions and concerns. I will be ready and willing to answer them honestly and openly.

I cannot express in words my appreciation to those of you who responded to my post a few days ago. Also, to those of you who have shared your stories in this forum - you may not realize how much support you lend just by being open and letting us all know that we are not alone.

Best of luck to all here,

[PaulaJeanette]

Kath,

I bet you feel good about yourself and, overall, the future. Where only a few days ago there was sadness and despair, today after your discussion with your wife, there is much hope, comfort, and relief. That's exactly how I felt.

As good as it feels today, you still need to remain mindful and not become aloof regarding your wife's acceptance of your crossdressing. You just need to understand that there will be good and some not so good days/instances where your wife will express negativisms. Don't react...just listen, acknowledge, and comfort her. It is all part of the process of dealing with your new relationship.

Your wife's expression to not participate nor see you dressed enfemme is no different than my wife's stipulation that I limit my dressing to be a strictly private matter in our home. She also made it clear that she had no interest in attending conferences or participating in group gatherings. Additionally, as I had stated earlier, she acknowledged that I can and probably will continue to dress at home when alone but cautioned me to be extra careful to not get caught by our young adult children. I wholeheartedly accepted and agreed to these conditions.

As you and others can see, there are similarities and different twists to how our spouses deal with and accept us. I count my blessings everyday that I am so fortunate to be married to this woman.

Kath, just keep loving her...it is well worth everything you do.

Hugs,

PaulaJeanette

[DonnaT]

Congratulations Kath! :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Silky Stephanie]

Paula,
I didn't tell my wife until we had been married for about two years. Even then I din't tell her everything. I told her that I really liked to wear nylon or satin panties. (I didn't know about the ecstacy of wearing silk panties than) She was shocked and acted much like your wife. I just kept telling her that I loved her and was not "Gay". I said I was turned on by the panties and that was to her benefit. She finally agreed that I could wear them at home only, and never around our child. I agreed, though with my fingers crossed. As far as she knew, I did only wear panties at home. I kept a lot of my femme clothes in the trunk of my car and always dressed when out of town on business. I usually went out to dinner wearing ladies slacks, a blouse, and of course a garter belt, panties, stockings,and a pair of ladies shoes. I don't try to pass, just wear feminine clothing. BTW, I have many compliments on my silk blouses that I usually wear.

My wife never said another word to me about the panties, except to tell me that I could keep my panties in her lingerie drawer. I did do that and had as many as a dozen pair in there. She did complain once that my panties were prettier than hers. I told her she could wear some of mine, since we wore the same size. she did, but than wanted some of her own like mine. So we went shopping and bought matching panties.

As I said at the beginning, we had been married two years when I first told her. That was 48 years ago, and we frequently wore matching panties up until she passed away on Feb, 20th of this year, just 5 months shy of our 50th anniversary. So keep your faith, things can work out. It is a shock to a lady to find out her macho husband likes feminine clothing, but once she sees that you mean no harm to her in any way she will most likely be more accepting. Just be sure to let her know that she is first and foremost in your thoughts at all times, no matter what you are wearing.

I wear panties almost all the time now, and other female clothing a good deal of the time. All my jeans are feminine and tailored to make me look even more feminine while wearing them. I can wear a lot of my wife's things and feel close to her when I do.

You will be in my prayers, Paula.

Silky Stephanie

[easyCD]

I think many wives echo my wife's reaction ... there was period in which she "grieved" (her word) for the man she felt she had lost after 25 years of marriage. That's a valid sentiment, so I concentrated on showing her how much fun it could be to be married to this "new" person. It's almost like dating again. You have to give them space, go out of your way to do special things -- ESPECIALLY romantic things, like a weekend away together. Good sex also helps reassure both of you, and you may even be able to subtly spice it up with a pair of panties (but don't go whole-hog on the CD right away). In my case we re-bonded and are more solid than ever. But, again, LOTS OF GOOD SEX helped ... at least in my case. :love:

[PaulaJeanette]

Stephanie,

First of all, let me say I am sorry to hear of the recent loss of your wife. 50 years of marriage is a milestone to be proud of…for sure. And, what makes that even more significant is the 48 years with her knowing, accepting, and sharing in your femme crossdressing. Oh, I bet there are so many happy memories that you can look back upon.

Thank you for you words of wisdom and for sharing your insights and experiences. It is always good to know that crossdressing CAN BE successfully integrated and accepted into a marriage. Your wife’s concern about not exposing the children to your crossdressing sounds very familiar. When my wife caught me dressed in my lingerie, pantyhose, and heels, one of her main concerns was what would have happened had it been one of the kids instead of her. She shared these thoughts with me later when we had a discussion about my crossdressing. During this discussion, she laid out conditions and limitations very similar to those you and your wife agreed upon.

While my wife has come to accept my crossdressing, I have chosen to take a slow and easy rather than take an in your face approach. Although I now wear panties more often under my male clothes, I only do this at home but still without her knowledge. I guess old habits are hard to break. Because we have a young adult daughter living with us, I keep a few of my panties hidden under my male briefs in my underwear drawer (I do this because our daughter does the laundry). Unlike me, my wife prefers to wear full (granny-type) panties, whereas, I prefer lacy, sexy hipsters. My wife once asked me why I like to wear panties (hers included) and I told her I liked the way they feel and fit on me plus wearing panties turned me on.

I know exactly what you mean about our wives having a difficult time dealing with the images of their macho husbands wearing women’s lingerie and other clothing. That is one of the main reasons I still have difficulty dressing for her. And fortunately, she has not asked me to do that yet…don’t know what I’d do if she would ask tho’. But, I guess I’d probably do it. We all need to take advantage of opportunities when they are presented..right? Basically, it is not her but more me who has to reconcile the macho image with the wearing of feminine, frilly lingerie. Although I yearn for the time to be more open with her, I still feel so embarrassed.

Stephanie, unlike you, I have yet to venture outside. However, like you, I do take a few items of lingerie, breast forms, and heels when I travel out of town. It is also when I do most of my shopping for new lingerie and other necessities.

Again, thank you for sharing and I hope you continue to enjoy good health and happiness in the years ahead.

Bless you,

PaulaJeanette

[PaulaJeanette]

Hi EasyCD,

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Our wives do reflect on life in different ways and I understand the point about the process they go through in grieving the loss of the machoness of their husbands. Also, thank you for reminding me about the pointer to start dating again. I'll give it a try.

I think I mentioned it earlier but I did have an instance where I was able to exploit "the benefits of being married to a crossdresser" with my wife. She needed a black full-slip and asked me if I would mind getting one for her. I made it my day's mission to find one...went to several stores...and bought it along with a pair of very sexy lace panties. When she came home from work, I made it a point to say..."that's one of the main benefits of being married to a transvestite...we don't mind but rather enjoy shopping for women's lingerie!" Her response was "shut up"...more shock at my making the statement rather than in objection to my crossdressing. And this was before she came around to telling me that she accepted and would allow me to continue crossdressing.

Those of us who are fortunate to have supportive wives do indeed need to treasure and treat them well. I continue to show her that she is important in our marriage. On my last out of town trip, I did buy her 3 new pairs of mircro-fiber panties from Victoria Secrets. Although she likes fuller panties, she did say she likes them very much.

Paula J.

[LisaMcall]

Right on Trinity24 You got it exactly right.

PaulaJeanette,

You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be sorry for.

Lisa

[PaulaJeanette]

Lisa,

Thank you for your comments. I know I have done nothing wrong but as I have mentioned...old habits are hard to break. I've been a crossdresser for most of my adult life and during that time have kept it hidden from my family and friends. Although I now have the opportunity to share my crossdressing with my wife, I still find it a bit difficult to do. I do want to make it part of our life together and believe it will enhance our bedroom intimacy. But I still am hesitant...I don't know why.

I'm open to suggestions and welcome advice and thoughts from any of you ladies who can help me with this. Thank you in advance.

Paula J.

[easyCD]

Try Anne Serene's rather famous list (if you haven't already seen it):

http://www.humboldt.edu/~mpw1/Crossdress/husband.shtml

Here's a copy/paste (sorry, but the numbers didn't come through):

Advantages of Having a Crossdressing Husband

You can have your own private slumber parties.
If he wears a skirt it's easy access.
He always envies you because he would rather be wearing what your wearing.
You can have a girlfriend as well as a boyfriend who doesn't mind waiting while you take your time shopping.
You can double your wardrobe if he's the same size as you!
You never have to worry about cheating on you with another woman. He IS the other woman!!
You always have a girlfriend to go shopping and have lunch with!!
He'll NEVER object to being a clothes dummy and wearing a dress while you hem it.
While shopping, you can test a new shades of nail polish on him and he doesn't complain or ask to see a matching lipstick.
He'll rarely have scratchy five o'clock shadow.
He'll never ask you to have a thresome with another woman as long as he can wear the lingerie.
He will be sympathetic about your excess body hair.
He won't tear your lingerie when removing it from you.
He won't mind waiting on you or your girlfriends, and he won't forget to curtsey.
If you need a slip for that new dress you bought, he happens to have the perfect one, and lets you borrow it.
You can switch off wearing high heels on a long shopping spree.
A man in a dress makes a good cook.
He loves to smell perfume and will give you an honest opinion.
You can test a new shade of lipstick on him.
If you purchase something for the home, it will never be too feminine.
At least the toilet seat will be down.
He is a lot easier to buy gifts for.
He knows just the right way to make love, takes his time and knows just what makes you tick!
He will understand much better that the best thing a girl can have when she feels down is new clothes.
If he buys you clothes, you know he sizes them right.
You can take him to the hair salon with you and he will sit quietly while you both get your hair done, and he will never complain. In fact he'll thank you.
The only time he will ever care if you wear curlers to bed is if he has to wear the oversize rollers.
He understands why you don't care for spending 8 hours a day in pantyhose and high heels.
Never complains about leaving the delicate underwear out to dry.
You have a girlfriend that doesn't get PMS.
He will not only shop with you but will pay the bill as well!
He knows how to handle the delicates when he does the laundry.
Satin and velvet are more snuggly than denim and wool.
He understand the need for quality cosmetics.
You have more excuses to go shopping, and he will even carry the bags.
You can borrow his jewlry, clothes and makeup.
He understands why you go through so many pairs of stockings.
He no longer expects you to get ready for a night on the town in 15 minutes or less.
The world needs more feminist in lipstick.
You can take the Cosmo quizzes together.
You can ask him how na outfit looks and get an intelligent response.
His new friends don't spend all day watching football.
He knows to walk slow when your wearing heels.
If he says, "Hon, you look nice." you know he really means it.
He can spot makeup smudges better than any other guy.
He's like having a live in cosmetologist.
He loves to go shopping with you and watch you try on clothes.
He knows how to treat a lady with care and respect.
He's a friend that will stick arround, and won't flake out on you or stab you in the back.
He loves to dress up and have long chat sessions.
You can have a threesome without adding another partner.
If you've been bi-curious you can experiment a little.
You know one of you will have a tissue with you when you need it.
Dress him up in a French Maid's Uniform and you have a house cleaner for the day.

-------------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright 2001 Anne Serene. All Rights Reserved. I liberally granting permission to use material on this site. For more information e-mail: Anne Serene

[PaulaJeanette]

Thank you EasyCD,

That reference/link you provided is a wealth of information with some very interesting articles. I appreciate your sharing it with me and the other ladies. I'm always on the lookout for information on crossdressing and, basically, whatever may help to explain why, who, and what I am as a tranvestite. Although I've been dressing for most of my adult life, I am still puzzled by my behaviour, actions, and desires to dress enfemme and be a woman.

Sometimes, it seems to me, in the absence of a cosmic revelation, I will forever continue to wonder and seek an answer. And, I also recognize, I may never find an answer.

Thank you again,

PaulaJeanette

[easyCD]

You are most welcome. Indeed it has puzzled me as well, but then I've come to see it as an "adventure" -- one I didn't really volunteer for to be sure, and one that is often difficult and terrifying, but which has its rewards too, and like any good adventure continues to surprise and amaze me. Enjoy the journey as best you can, and don't try to figure it all out at once. :)

[PaulaJeanette]

Ladies,

Although, I have shared with all of you the fact that my wife has acknowledged my being a crossdresser, she still occasionally asks me why I dress. And, I guess the response that I give her..."I can't really explain why...I just enjoy dressing in women's lingerie"...is neither conclusive nor convincing enough for her. And, maybe for myself. I don't know...

For me, I don't feel or can related that it is about getting in touch with the feminine side of my personality. Although, it may well be so and I still need to do more research and reading in order to come to terms with it. All I know is I enjoy the sensuous feeling of wearing women's lingerie, the pleasant feeling I get at the visual sight of being dressed, and the exciting experience of having a feminine figure including breasts that appears in the mirror to be that of a woman. However, that feminine image is restricted to below my neck since I don't wear a wig or use makeup.

Am I in the minority or majority in this regard...can't explain why I crossdress? Kindly share your thoughts on this.

Thanks,

PaulaJeanette

[easyCD]

You and I share similar domestic situations, and I too am at a loss to explain it. Many people (including wives) think it must mean we're gay, but this is not the case for me, and many others I'm sure. In fact I find most men rather crude and repulsive, but I LOVE women ... I want to be closer to them, especially my wife. Perhaps crossdressing is a natural (or unnatural depending upon who you ask) outgrowth of that desire to be close -- to embody that which we love the most.
Just be happy with who you are and let your wife share in the joy. She'll eventually stop wondering and just accept the bounty of your affection.