fionablack
11-03-2007, 06:42 PM
I just wanted to share with you all where I am at right now with my crossdressing. I am usually good at keeping it together but at the moment I am feeling the need to express my feelings about it and there is no one I can talk to as I am still very much in the closet.
I realised that I loved to wear women's clothes at the age of 10. I went through the common practice of dressing in secret whenever I had my parents house to myself. Miraculously I never got caught. To this day I don't know how I managed that.
Eventually I moved out of home into my own place. I did this quite late in life. I was 28, but this was the freedom I had been waiting for. I could now dress as often as I wanted to and have as many clothes as I liked, and boy did I take advantage of that after all the years of having bits of time hear and there, and having to be careful.
I valued every single micro second that I was able to dress as a woman. I would stay up ridiculously late at nights even though I was exhausted just so I could prolong the enjoyment of being in women's clothes.
When I was 31, I met the girl who is now my wife. I am now 35, we have been married for nearly three years and we have a wonderful Son who is 7 months old.
One thing I should explain at this point is that I have always been blessed with a reasonable amount of will power, and i always promised myself that I would not let my crossdressing overlap with my life as a husband and father should that time ever come. Several of your eyebrows will be raised here no doubt :-)
I have (with one or two odd lapses) stayed true to this and I must say that I have come to realise that controlling the practice of crossdressing can be quite easy.
It is actually controlling the desire that is the tricky bit. This is not the first time I have gone long periods of time without crossdressing. I have managed to control the behavior for years at a time on at least a couple of occasions when I felt it was important to do so. It is not that hard.
But during these times, I always thought about it. Never a day would pass in fact without me thinking about it.
What I have also come to realise, is that for me personally, the thought of wearing women's clothes can be almost as exciting as actually wearing them.
Back in those wonderful few years when I had the freedom to dress, I can remember many occasions when I dashed home from work like a lunatic. I could barely concentrate on the car in front of me for sheer excitement of the knowledge of what I would soon be wearing.
I would curse every missed traffic light because it robbed me of precious minutes, but it also fuelled my excitement all the more as I thought about the skirt that would soon be caressing my legs, and the suspenders that would soon be snapping into place.
Such days are long gone sadly. My willpower has kicked in again because it has had to. I am not willing to risk losing what I have. My family life is too important.
I guess the point of this little essay though is to say that to this day I find thinking about crossdressing to be a tremendous comfort and release. It is nearly always enough to help me cope, and it is nearly as fullfilling as actually being dressed.
I am not naive, and I would not insult your intelligence. I will of course dress again. Of that, there is no doubt. It is just a matter of time. I am a crossdresser. I love being a crossdresser. I am just not always a practicing crossdresser.
I have just started a new job which will occasionally take me away from home for overnight stays. I am already planning to take advantage of this situation and buy some women's clothing to wear whilst I am in the hotel. I feel this will be a nice safe compromise to my situation as I will be far away from home for the risk of discovery to be minimal.
Having read this email through again before posting it, I can see that I am going to come across as conflicted. I am tempted not to post it, but I will as it has taken some effort to write, and yet I feel frustrated that I have not been able to adequetely express in words how I feel about all this.
I think that will be something you all understand. I think only crossdressers can understand just what being a crossdresser means to us. It is impossible to express in words adequetely just how we feel about what we are. There are no words to express how wonderful it is to be a crossdresser.
Anyway, if you managed to read all of this, thank you, and I welcome your thoughts on my topsy turvy rollercoaster journey, which no doubt has many more twists and turns to come over the coming years.
Take care
Fiona
I realised that I loved to wear women's clothes at the age of 10. I went through the common practice of dressing in secret whenever I had my parents house to myself. Miraculously I never got caught. To this day I don't know how I managed that.
Eventually I moved out of home into my own place. I did this quite late in life. I was 28, but this was the freedom I had been waiting for. I could now dress as often as I wanted to and have as many clothes as I liked, and boy did I take advantage of that after all the years of having bits of time hear and there, and having to be careful.
I valued every single micro second that I was able to dress as a woman. I would stay up ridiculously late at nights even though I was exhausted just so I could prolong the enjoyment of being in women's clothes.
When I was 31, I met the girl who is now my wife. I am now 35, we have been married for nearly three years and we have a wonderful Son who is 7 months old.
One thing I should explain at this point is that I have always been blessed with a reasonable amount of will power, and i always promised myself that I would not let my crossdressing overlap with my life as a husband and father should that time ever come. Several of your eyebrows will be raised here no doubt :-)
I have (with one or two odd lapses) stayed true to this and I must say that I have come to realise that controlling the practice of crossdressing can be quite easy.
It is actually controlling the desire that is the tricky bit. This is not the first time I have gone long periods of time without crossdressing. I have managed to control the behavior for years at a time on at least a couple of occasions when I felt it was important to do so. It is not that hard.
But during these times, I always thought about it. Never a day would pass in fact without me thinking about it.
What I have also come to realise, is that for me personally, the thought of wearing women's clothes can be almost as exciting as actually wearing them.
Back in those wonderful few years when I had the freedom to dress, I can remember many occasions when I dashed home from work like a lunatic. I could barely concentrate on the car in front of me for sheer excitement of the knowledge of what I would soon be wearing.
I would curse every missed traffic light because it robbed me of precious minutes, but it also fuelled my excitement all the more as I thought about the skirt that would soon be caressing my legs, and the suspenders that would soon be snapping into place.
Such days are long gone sadly. My willpower has kicked in again because it has had to. I am not willing to risk losing what I have. My family life is too important.
I guess the point of this little essay though is to say that to this day I find thinking about crossdressing to be a tremendous comfort and release. It is nearly always enough to help me cope, and it is nearly as fullfilling as actually being dressed.
I am not naive, and I would not insult your intelligence. I will of course dress again. Of that, there is no doubt. It is just a matter of time. I am a crossdresser. I love being a crossdresser. I am just not always a practicing crossdresser.
I have just started a new job which will occasionally take me away from home for overnight stays. I am already planning to take advantage of this situation and buy some women's clothing to wear whilst I am in the hotel. I feel this will be a nice safe compromise to my situation as I will be far away from home for the risk of discovery to be minimal.
Having read this email through again before posting it, I can see that I am going to come across as conflicted. I am tempted not to post it, but I will as it has taken some effort to write, and yet I feel frustrated that I have not been able to adequetely express in words how I feel about all this.
I think that will be something you all understand. I think only crossdressers can understand just what being a crossdresser means to us. It is impossible to express in words adequetely just how we feel about what we are. There are no words to express how wonderful it is to be a crossdresser.
Anyway, if you managed to read all of this, thank you, and I welcome your thoughts on my topsy turvy rollercoaster journey, which no doubt has many more twists and turns to come over the coming years.
Take care
Fiona