A bit of advice please

[Rachaelb64]

Ok, her is my situation, my SO knows about my crossdressing and until recently was ok for me to dress in front of her (which is usually about once a week/fortnight) .

When I first to her about Rachael she was ok with usual question, and I show her my 'stash' and everything seemed to be going fine.

Now, over the pasted 3 weeks she seemed to cooled to the idea of my crossdressing. I have tried to talk to her she just changes the subject, so I thought I'd back off abit and let her talk to me in her own time. Last I dressed in front of her was about 3 weeks ago and got the feeling she was uncomfortable with it.

Now, usually my SO is quite striaght forward sort of person, she doesn't usually beat about the bush on things.

I have told her to come to website or try others for information, but I'm not sure if she has yet

We have been living together for 7 months now and I told her just before she moved in.

So I be gratful if any could any usefull advice what to do next.

[jasminemichell]

Honey....we need to talk

[Sandra]

Hmmm difficult if you push the talking you could be wrong and if you don't then you're not going to get anywhere as to finding out what the problem is. I really think you do need to ask her how she feels and what is bothering her, take it slow though don't go like a bull in a china shop. Tell her you don't want to upset her, explain that you've noticed a difference in her in regards to your dressing, and go from there.

If she would like to chat to another GG PM me and I'll give you my e-mail addy.

[tommi]

My biggest mistake was pushing too much dressing until it blew up and now
my wife wants none going on.
It's a slippery slope so go easy on her and goodluck:hugs:

[charllote34]

Think you need to cool the crossdrssing discussion with her for a bit .imagine if it was the other way round and your partner wanted to shave her head and wear your clothes and act like a man , whould feel very strange eh! approach it gently and respectfully

[lisa_e_love]

Hey, I had the same situation in a relationship that ended just a few days ago. At first, when I told her about my dressing she thought it was cute and funny and teased me about it. She even took me out with her while dressed a couple of times.

But gradually, I noticed that when we went out and I was dressed she was absolutely grave, could not seem to loosen up and didn't seem to be comfortable with me expressing myself that way.

Dressing was not the reason we broke up, although my dressing brought up other serious topics that probably contributed to our split.

I agree with what has been said above. Take it slow and don't push too hard.

On the other hand, if you're like me, dressing is an essential part of who you are. It relieves stress. It provides an escape. It shows an inner desire for beauty and gentleness.

Compromising on this for me would not really be like compromising on say, where I and future spouse would live or whether or not I and future spouse would have X amount of children.

I'd be sure to gently make it known that this is part of who you are, there are so many people like you and, in general, dressing doesn't just go away. If this is going to drive a huge wedge into the relationship, you're in a tough spot. But if she's willing to work to accept and understand it, be as patient as humanly possible, but DO make sure that that willingness is there and that she's not just sitting around hoping that, as time passes, she might be able to force you to quit.

Sorry for the long post. Perhaps I'm venting a little. :straightface::straightface::straightface:

[Deanna2]

My lovely wife generally tolerates it, but is not really a huge fan. She seems more concerned about me being sprung by visiting family or friends than anything. She is OK with the panties, etc, however, there are times she would rather I didn't wear a skirt, paticularly a brightly coloured one. I find that wearing muted blue denim skirt seems to overcome the situation.

[Jazzmine]

Lisa Elizabeth I think you are spot on with your comments. You expressed "It shows an inner desire for beauty and gentleness" which is something I feel is a major positive of being a CD. Most GGs would relate to this very strongly and once you point this out to them they generally understand you share similar values to them.

Everyone dresses for their own reasons and it changes as you grow with it. For example when you first begin CD it is mostly about forbidden thrill and sexual excitement. After a while though you need to go further and further to get the same excitement. Then what? Many are quite happy just to enjoy this for what it is but others need to incorporate CD into a lifestyle choice to varying degrees. That's when your values come to the fore. You search out values that CD brings to you and build your life around those.
I still get excited by dressing but I also notice I am beginning to value softness, gentleness and beauty in people and myself. I always did but I just didn't consciously acknowledge it as a value choice I could make. OK I have been backward, I accept that, but it is opening up new dimensions of my life which I value highly and I find I have new connections with my wife as a result. She has no idea I CD but I know she appreciates my latent values I am nurturing.
So you see, once you explain to your SO these "internal extras" that come with the external CD, you give them a better understanding of what being a CD means to you. Most GGs highly value what a CD also values and that is the beginniing point of a wonderful close relationship.
But it needs to be communicated and you need to live by these values to be true.
Hope that helps, Rachael!
Hugs Jazzmine

[DonnaT]

OK, so you've backed off for a few weeks.

How has the relationship been otherwise? Is the spark still there? Does it seem she may have other issues?

My daughter had a good thing going with one boyfriend. Many of us thought that this would be the one she married, especially once they moved in together. However, things cooled, and he moved out. These things happen.

So, find out if she's having second thoughts about the whole relationship. Avoid discussing the CDing until then.

However, the CDing will need discussing again, if there's nothing else bothering her. Avoiding the discussion will work as a temporary patch, at the most. You do have your needs, and they aren't going to go away.

[breanna53]

Well MY SO loves to shop, and is constamtly buying me things to wear, but there are times when she is uneasy with the cross dressing. So to keep peace there are times i refrain. But when that happens i am not happy about it. But on the other hand if the relationship means anything, both have to cmpromise. ANd sometims when we compromise we don't like it, But other times more than make up for my sacriface. Sometime i wish i could all the time. But i understand her side too. ANd very important point , we do talk when things bother us.

[jaina]

You can't make her accept it. if she does thats great, but if not you've only lost 7 month.

[Delila]

Well at least you told her early on rather than her stumbling upon it years down the line and leaving you for it. I had a similar situation where I told my wife whom i was just dating at the time at first she was ok with it then she cooled off to my cding. I just backed off and held the "talk" until I had felt that she was calmer about it. After the talk I eased into dressing around her. Rather than suddenly fully dressing I would just wear panties or something small like that then when i felt that she was comfortable with that I would move a little further. If I ever felt that I pushed too far then I would back down a little but made sure that it was clear that this was something that wasnt going away and if she wanted to be with me then she should either learn to accept it or go her own way since crossdressing is usually not a choice or something that goes away. After most of the initial shock has worn off we have had no issue at all and if I feel that she is uncomfortable at any time then I lighten up for a while. This is the comprimise that we have come to I wouldnt think that it would work for everyone it may be a place to start. BTW I have been married 3 years now and we have been together 6 years since I told her.

[Stephanie Anne]

Think like your woman for a bit...

You have just thrown her for a loop and she is feeling pressured to accept something aobut you before understanding.

My advice would be to cool down and not force all this on her at once. I know if I was in a relationship and my wife said "Honey, I like to dress like a man so I want you to accept that", I would need time to grow into it. It would take me time to come to terms with it and I would feel much better if she would let me accept it at my own pace and not just be "ok" with it.

You need to be open with her but you also need to let her get comfortable with it.

Oh and by the way you are too cute, I am so jealous!

[Tammy298]

Yep, put yourself in her place. She probably feels intimidated by the CD'ing. That you love the CD'ing more than her and that she's now competing with that other "woman" for the male in you. At least that's what I was told once in counselling.

I'd cool it off for a while and show her you love her as a woman first and formost. Once she feels secure in that, then bring up the fetish side of yourself and how it's part of you. She may accept it or may not. It may come down to a choice between her or the crossdressing. We can't expect our SO's to accept it just because it's important to us. It's just too much for some women and we have to accept them for who they are as much as we want to be accept for who we are.

[Rachaelb64]

I am a very accepting person, so if my SO said she'd like to wear man's clothes I'd go, 'fine, if that what makes you happy'.

My problem with doing that is that I expect other people to be like it as well, which they are not.

My sister has always said I'm too laid back with people, my mother calls me 'soft' :happy:

Here an example, I'm stuck in a traffic jam, I'm late and the traffic hasn't move for half an hour, I sit in my car, calmly and watch everyone else wind themselves up

If someone came up to me and said 'I like dress up as rabbit at the weekend', I think 'ok abit odd, odder then me, but they are still the same person'.

I have made compromises with my SO she is not overly keen on me going out dressed at the moment, which ok by me and she doesn't want me doing while the kids are about, which is also fine by me. I also know that she is having problems with her ex. Maybe I am worrying too much over it, but its the lack of talking at the moment, that I'm worried about at the moment.

Sorry if this has been a bit disjoint, my head is not thinking straight at the moment.

[lynn27]

you might want to pull back on pressing forward with the dressing for a bit, sounds like she has other more imporant issues, the stuff with her ex, and she isn't completely ready to deal with your issues.

devote some of your own time to her issues, talk them out and help her work out those problems. after that she may be more receptive. i really think she'll respect your feelings a lot more if you place her, hopefully temporary, problems with her ex ahead of your 'pleasures'. :2c:

just like the level of acceptance your SO may finally achieve the period of time a SO takes from first learning about a crossdresser and acceptance of that varies greatly, you'll know when that has taken place. push to hard and she may reject it and you completely. take your time, you'll know when it is right.

good luck

[morgan51]

How hard I push the cd discussion seems to be directly related to my wifes acceptance. I went totally overboard initally and put too much strain on her and our relationship Just slow down and pay attention to her needs and wants for a while then slowly try talking more about your cd desires. good luck. you may pm me if you wish.:happy: Morgan

[carolyn todd]

rachael would it not be better to back off, and let the air cool down,
dress when she not at home. talk to her, ask her where you both are
at.talk to her before things get out of hand.


carolyn xx

[Sheri 4242]

. . . find out if (your gf is) having second thoughts about the . . . relationship.

Actually, you need to find out a lot before this relationship moves forward -- about crossdressing as well as any and all other possible subjects. This could be about (a.) just crossdressing, or (b.) topics other than crossdressing, or (c.) crossdressing and other topics. You don't want to head in one direction just to learn that another direction was the correct way to go!

Regarding crossdressing, you indicate your gf was initially fine with it -- but now you don't know if the CDing is bothering her or not. You also dont seem to have a clue if other possibilities are bothering her, inclusive or not of the crossdressing. Many times people don't have a confirmation about something bothering a SO, but they still have some pretty good thoughts on the subject. Until your gf confirms or denies that CDng is/isn't an issue, you need to presume that it is part of the equation to some degree. More than one of our sisters on here have discussed how they had a SO who appeared to accept their CDing, only to later learn that the SO was humoring them, thinking the CDing would pass! There is too much evidence that shows that CDing may get repressed, pushed down, and otherwise hidden, but it doesn't go away. Some SO's think that, with time, the attraction to CDing will disappear. (It doesn't.) Some SO's think that they can, by ostensibly accepting the CDing, get their CDing partner to a point where the CDing will go away. (It doesn't.)

Other topics are too varried to even begin to speculate on, but if you care for your gf, you need to inquire -- and then handle anything that is brought up with sensitivity, honesty, and dispatch!!!

I know these are some broad perameters, but I just wanted to stick in my :2c:.

Good Luck!!!

[Rachaelb64]

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice, most of it I'm already doing i.e, not pushing the cding and letting her use me as sounding board about her ex.

I also think another problem is we both work shifts, her on earlies, me on lates (or vice a versa) and not seeing each other til 10/11 o'clock at night both just wanting to veg at that point. Plus the fact we haven't had a night out together for about 3 weeks :(

Maybe I'm overthinking the situation and worrying too much. Thanks again for the all the advice and I'll let you know how things are going

[Pamela Julie]

Maybe the two of you need to go on a vacation together, without children, to escape your everyday pressures. After a few days, talking about everything in your lives will be without the stress you both are now going through. Leave Rachael at home. If she comes up in conversation, she can be revived with the two of you going on a shopping trip together.

[charlie]

Rachael, if you don't want to lose her, just try not to dress in front of her. Sometimes you may get caught by her, but hey, you told her you do it. I think most women want their men wearing the pants and not CD no matter what they say. She is obviously uncomfortable with you CD, so dress, but don't rub her nose in it. She probably will not go shopping for heels and makeup with you. Most women are not like the understanding ladies we hear about here, they flat out do not like the idea of their men acting like women. It puts us in a bind.

[Rachaelb64]

Here is a bit of an update.......

Told my SO I'd brought a leather skirt off e-bay the other day (no secerts).

Well it came the weekend. So I took it out looked at it and then my SO said ok lets see it on (abit surprised here). So I put it on with my boots and showed here her (I'm being dressed half 'n' half here, top male bottom female)

SO, "It looks nice, but you'll need atop to go with it"
Me (trying to be causual :thumbsup:) " You think so?"
Then my SO picks my wig up from the bed and looks at it, "I think you need a new wig aswell this one is falling apart abit"
Me (still trying to be casual :thumbsup:) "Yes I was thinking of getting a new one"

At this point I changed back into my drabs (did not want to push it too much:happy:), we had dinner and talked about everyday things

Small steps but going forward :D

Thanks again to everyone given me their advice :hugs:

[Rachel Schaedel]

Well dear, by the way you handled that situation, it looks as if you have figured out how to make it all work. Hopefully someone else will read this and be able to use the same advise. We all need a little help now and again.

Small steps and an open line of communication is what made my marriage a whole lot better.

Rachel Simms

[Jilmac]

rachel, it's all about give and take. my so never warmed up to my dressing, and when she did talk, it was most always in the negative sense, ("i thought i married a man") etc.if your so was warm to your dressing at first, it could be she was curious to know you as rachel but now has curiosity about her own identity and her future in her relationship with you. i don't know how society views tg's in the UK, but in the states there is a lot of mixed feelings. my suggestion is to find as much positive information as you can pertaining to the tg lifestyle (whether it comes from this forum or any other source) and have it ready to present to her when she is ready to talk about it. please be patient and don't push her to talk or you may be pushing her away forever. good luck girl, we're all pulling for your success. Luv,,,, Jill

[Chari]

You've handled the leather skirt incident very well! Accepting her suggestions for a new wig and top for you lets her become more involved in your CDing. Continue slowly and always try to communicate with her. Don't get over anxious to be dressed. She has shown that she is comfortable with seeing you transist slowly. Also compliment her or do something she likes so she won't think all you have on your mind is to CD.

Good luck, Chari

[feminineandproud]

Here is a bit of an update.......

Told my SO I'd brought a leather skirt off e-bay the other day (no secerts).

Well it came the weekend. So I took it out looked at it and then my SO said ok lets see it on (abit surprised here). So I put it on with my boots and showed here her (I'm being dressed half 'n' half here, top male bottom female)

SO, "It looks nice, but you'll need atop to go with it"
Me (trying to be causual :thumbsup:) " You think so?"
Then my SO picks my wig up from the bed and looks at it, "I think you need a new wig aswell this one is falling apart abit"
Me (still trying to be casual :thumbsup:) "Yes I was thinking of getting a new one"

At this point I changed back into my drabs (did not want to push it too much:happy:), we had dinner and talked about everyday things

Small steps but going forward :D

Thanks again to everyone given me their advice :hugs:

I think that makes things work out perfectly now all you have to do is tell her when you get new things and she might want to see you in it and eventually she will enjoy seeing you in womens clothing full time! (accept infront of kids of course :p)

[Rachaelb64]

Some high-powered suited adviser would probably call it 'soft skill assessment of the situation'............

Me, I call it listening and reading the signs :D

Thanks again for the positive advice :happy:

Hopefully I'll have more positive updates for you :hugs:.

Small steps but going forward :happy:

[docrobbysherry]

Some high-powered suited adviser would probably call it 'soft skill assessment of the situation'............

Me, I call it listening and reading the signs :D

Thanks again for the positive advice :happy:

Hopefully I'll have more positive updates for you :hugs:.

Small steps but going forward :happy:


Rachael, just remember what they say, " The first two years together r the honeymoon". So, enjoy the time u have together! All the best!
RS

www.myspace.com/robertsherry

[Mitch23]

Well done Rachael, it looks as though you are handling the situation well - I'm not yet in the position you are with my wife, I go out about once aweek and invite her but she is not yet ready to meet my 'weird friends' and would certainly not contemplate me dressing with her at the moment. that may change over time ...

mitch

[carolyn todd]

well done rachel small steps.
why done you ask her to go shopping with you for
some new tops and wig and any think else.

best of luck

carolyn xx