Still confused; please bear with me.

[LilahCD]

I have a question/revelation that I've not gotten around to yet: As I have posted here before, I've been dogged by wanting to dress up and act feminine for most of my life, yet I'm not exactly dainty at 6'2", 210 lbs. I'm known among my friends and family for being quite strong.

Yet there's this other side of me: I know it as my "feminine side", yet it's just as stong (and sometimes stronger) than my masculine side.. I enjoy dressing up when in this state of mind, acting and carrying myself as femininely as possible and the strangest thing of all, I'll actually be mistaken as female in dim light when I've shaved (I do have long, curly hair) or over the phone.. the latter is less frequent as I've approached 30 yet it does still happen; I don't even have to be trying at all and it always comes as a shock. When it's full-blown, I obsess over taking hormones to modify not just my body, but make that shift stronger and more permanent...

It has been this way all my life. My first attraction was to GMs and the only reason I ever lay with a woman was due to peer pressure.. that's caused a whole slew of feelings which I find hard to cope with, and I won't be getting to here.

So after a half-page's worth of text, we come to my main question: when I was 6, I was diagnosed with a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome. This is a form of social autism which basically leaves one with a mind a little less human and a little more.. technical, I guess. Though my writing here doesn't show it, my mind soaks in text and language like nobody's business. I've learned to cope with and even overcome some of my social challenges, though I still occasionally have trouble.

I guess my question is this: what bearing, if any at all, does this minor condition have on my TG issues? Am I even TG or just confused? I may transition later down the road, but for now I am seriously considering hormone therapy. I'd love to be a more feminine version of myself.... but should I?

If anyone can provide any answer at all to this question, or at least direct me towards an online resource that could provide answers, I would be very appreciative...

Thank you for reading this and being patient with me...

[Stephanie Anne]

I struggled with the same questions for most of my life. I'm about the same size as you are and have had the same problems (mistaken for female when my hair was long and mistaken over the phone)

Your asperger's has very little to do with this but it can lead you to over analyze thing (have a cousin and adopted brother both diagnosed).

I don't think getting approval from a forum is the best answer for your soul searching. I know for me it took years of struggle and good therapy to finally accept myself (still haven't accepted it all ;) )

If you have insurance, do yourself the biggest favor in your life and go to therapy and talk this out with someone who is trained to guide you through these questions.

If, on the other side you realize you are suffering from a gender disorder, you will be capable to handle the transition.

Hope this helps a bit.

Tall girls rule btw ;)

[Sejd]

Yes, you sound a bit confused!! but hang on. The best thing you could do for youself right now is to get some help from a sexologist, or a therapist who is skilled in work with Trans Gender people like you and me. You need to slow down your thinking around taking hormones until you get more hold of your confusion. Hormones is not like popping an Advil or taking vitamin C. Please do yourself the favor and get some professional help. This forum is great for getting some friends and sharing TG issues, but it is not the place for you to work out the problems you write about. Once you get some real help in this matter, then you can share your experience here with other sisters if you feel like it. You have some real good questions, and for that you need some really good and professional answers.
good luck
hugs
Sejd:hugs:

[LilahCD]

Thanks for your Vicktorya, it has helped just a little.. I need to point out that I am not, in any way, seeking approval from this community. I'd been half-hoping that someone else here has gone through my exact case but of course that's very unlikely.

I guess I'm seeking here what I'm scared to find out in the real world: many different perspectives and opinions on various issues, so that I can divine my own answers and come away feeling better (or at least less mixed-up) for it.. I know I need to gut up and get out there but damnit, I'm scared.

I could fill pages to list the reasons why, but they'd all look like so many excuses.. I think it's all coming down to my lack of courage. I do think that my asperger's might play a part, in that people do intimidate me still.. though that has gotten better recently, now that I've accepted this part of who I am among many other changes for the better. :happy:

I hope that some day soon I'll find it and stop worrying what people will think and about what might happen and give myself a chance, without fear affecting my behavior.

[LilahCD]

Another post in the time it took me to write my first reply? Lucky me!

I know this is the best course of action, Sejd and Vicky.. but I failed to point out that this past Monday, I found that my insurance was cancelled right after a talk with my gender therapist. After speaking with her for several sessions, she never really answered any of my questions.. In fact, she seemed to mock me occasionally, like in our last session when I pointed out to her that no, I usually don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body but yes, I would very much like to be a more feminine version of myself.. along with that reason I'd been considering at least a testosterone blocker to help me put my libido on hold...

I don't know if I ever said this here, but the only reason I ever slept with a woman in the first place was because it was expected of me.. this has left me feeling very confused, indeed.

Before I relate too much personal information here I should probably change threads and read elsewhere... Once again, thanks to both you gals for your support!