Weird quest for FTM

[mistunderstood]

When you started to use your male name all the time did you feel like you are killing off your female self?
Maybe I am weird. I have started to live full time as Aaron and I kinda feel like I am in the process of killing off for good my female self, am I nuts or what?

[Cai]

I don't think you're crazy. I can see what you mean about losing part of yourself as you move forward. It's part of the reason I chose the name I did - my birth name means "joy", because of a dream my mother had while pregnant, so I chose a name that meant the same thing.

But it's about growth. Growing up, we lose some things. You're not the same person now that you were when you were 6 or 10 or 14. I'm sure you had to let some things go as you became an adult. I think of transitioning in the same sort of way - I'm growing into the person I'm meant to be for the rest of my life. It's going to mean losing some things that I had before, in order to gain others.

[ZenFrost]

When I started using my male name, I didn't fully identify as male, and I've always hated my female name anyway. So I didn't really feel that I was killing off my female self. But as time passed, I came to realize that my 'female self' was just an illusion. I tried so hard for so long to be a woman, but it did not work because I am not one. So I couldn't kill her because she didn't really exist.

I don't think you're crazy though.

[SirTrey]

Aaron, you're not crazy....When I started using Mine full time, it was a new beginning, new life, new person...Trey....and Trey is not an extension of My former female self, he is a totally different person....The person that I have always been inside....I identify only as him now and am not even sure where she even went....and, honestly, I don't want to find her. I never wanted to be her and I'm frankly GLAD she's gone....because....I had a lot of pain and some very bad memories that were associated with My life as her...and I no longer carry that pain around at all....I don't relate to it anymore....I was ready to let that all go....some people never WANT to totally let it go and there is nothing wrong with that, as Lex says, there are as many ways to be trans as there are people (I am paraphrasing, it's something like that)...I go to court for the final hearing Nov. 28, and I can't wait....but I don't need the court to tell Me that I am Trey. I can't be anyone BUT him now. :2c:

[Kieron Andrew]

i'll put it this way and hope it makes sense....for at least a year and a half now EVERYONE calls me Kieron...BUT just the other day my mother turns up on my doorstep, and it was K_____ this, K_____that (cant even say her name anymore it just doesnt feel right or even me)....anyway whilst mother was addressing me in this way, i felt sick to my tummy, and almost had a panic attack, i am NOT that person, all traces have gone (thank god).....so for me yes it is like that person is dead or didnt even exist really, like Zen she was an illusion for me...a means to an end, and i get weirded out now when reference is made of her

[Anthony Jake]

Hmm, well my male name at the moment is Seth and that is way too similar to my girl name, though as far as I know my girl name when shortened can be unisex. But i don't actually like Seth as a name for me. As from January when I head to college I am gonna attempt to adapt a new one..
As for my girl self, i dont really know if I ever had one.. I mean I was her but she never felt like a her, she didn't specifically feel like anyone.. I didn't feel like anyone, just another body on the early mulling along in order to survive.. Now I actually feel like I may exist beyond that. That I may be able to make some sort of real existance for myself as 'he'.
So, in effect I guess yes, I have killed off my former self but at the moment only to me.. when i step out of my room I am still she when other people who knew her are around, so until i can leave behind what was hers I guess there is always some part of her beside me.
:eek: Does that make any sense at all!!??

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

Wow... ok you guys... it's kind of weirding me out how we all (I am guilty of doing this too) are discussing our former lives as women/females as if they were a totally separate entity to ourselves. Kinda ranks of split personality almost... The way I look at it, I have not changed at all by becoming RJ (Tobias??), because Rachel and RJ and Tobias are all the same person. I haven't changed. My personality has not changed. I am still the same sarcastic, pragmatic, incurable cynic I was four years ago. :D What has changed is the fact that I now feel that my outside matches my inside, and also that I finally understand the inside. I have changed the shell and made it mine - any attempt to characterize my old self as a distinct person from the present frankly seems odd to me. So to say I'm killing off Rachel to be Tobias sounds a bit silly (or worse, aggravating, when it comes from my mother). She's not dead, she evolved into a he. It's as simple as that.

So, Aaron, while you may be shedding some of your old habits, out-of-date clothes, girl name, etc. that doesn't mean you're fundamentally changing who you are inside, right? So while there may be some sense of loss due to the fact that things are not the way they were, it's not like you're killing who you used to be just to become who you are... if that makes any sense whatsoever. Now, I think a lot of us like to put a degree of separation between ourselves as guys and ourselves as girl impersonators, because then it seems like a nice clean break. But if you're afraid of killing off "her," stop trying to make "her" into a different person. You can still be the same person you always were... just now your outside matches your inside. :happy:

[Kieron Andrew]

Wow... ok you guys... it's kind of weirding me out how we all (I am guilty of doing this too) are discussing our former lives as women/females as if they were a totally separate entity to ourselves. Kinda ranks of split personality almost... The way I look at it, I have not changed at all by becoming RJ (Tobias??), because Rachel and RJ and Tobias are all the same person. I haven't changed. My personality has not changed. I am still the same sarcastic, pragmatic, incurable cynic I was four years ago. :D What has changed is the fact that I now feel that my outside matches my inside, and also that I finally understand the inside. I have changed the shell and made it mine - any attempt to characterize my old self as a distinct person from the present frankly seems odd to me. So to say I'm killing off Rachel to be Tobias sounds a bit silly (or worse, aggravating, when it comes from my mother). She's not dead, she evolved into a he. It's as simple as that.

So, Aaron, while you may be shedding some of your old habits, out-of-date clothes, girl name, etc. that doesn't mean you're fundamentally changing who you are inside, right? So while there may be some sense of loss due to the fact that things are not the way they were, it's not like you're killing who you used to be just to become who you are... if that makes any sense whatsoever. Now, I think a lot of us like to put a degree of separation between ourselves as guys and ourselves as girl impersonators, because then it seems like a nice clean break. But if you're afraid of killing off "her," stop trying to make "her" into a different person. You can still be the same person you always were... just now your outside matches your inside. :happy:

im sorry but i dont think you cant tell any of us the way we see things! each of us are different and come from different angles on this, my personality has changed/envolved the more ive let Kieron out of the closet so to speak, i have become a different person altogether and no it is not personality disorder or split personality, its just the way I have envolved within my transness the more i realised i needed to let myself be full time male.... K_____ doesnt exist cos that was pretence/a show to fit into society

[mistunderstood]

When I say killing I mean that I am ripping off the mask of my female self and I feel better as a person. As C---- I have so much baggage that it staggers me to think about. As Aaron I can see a future. Yes I lost my girlfriend over this but I am free now to do what I need to do.
I did not mean to start a fight over this but to each there own.

[Kieron Andrew]

I did not mean to start a fight over this but to each there own.

no fight here, just the way i see things and no one can tell anyone how they see things :)

[mistunderstood]

Cool.:gh:

[Anthony Jake]

Wow... ok you guys... it's kind of weirding me out how we all (I am guilty of doing this too) are discussing our former lives as women/females as if they were a totally separate entity to ourselves. Kinda ranks of split personality almost... The way I look at it, I have not changed at all by becoming RJ (Tobias??), because Rachel and RJ and Tobias are all the same person. I haven't changed. My personality has not changed. I am still the same sarcastic, pragmatic, incurable cynic I was four years ago. :D What has changed is the fact that I now feel that my outside matches my inside, and also that I finally understand the inside. I have changed the shell and made it mine - any attempt to characterize my old self as a distinct person from the present frankly seems odd to me. So to say I'm killing off Rachel to be Tobias sounds a bit silly (or worse, aggravating, when it comes from my mother). She's not dead, she evolved into a he. It's as simple as that.

So, Aaron, while you may be shedding some of your old habits, out-of-date clothes, girl name, etc. that doesn't mean you're fundamentally changing who you are inside, right? So while there may be some sense of loss due to the fact that things are not the way they were, it's not like you're killing who you used to be just to become who you are... if that makes any sense whatsoever. Now, I think a lot of us like to put a degree of separation between ourselves as guys and ourselves as girl impersonators, because then it seems like a nice clean break. But if you're afraid of killing off "her," stop trying to make "her" into a different person. You can still be the same person you always were... just now your outside matches your inside. :happy:


im sorry but i dont think you cant tell any of us the way we see things! each of us are different and come from different angles on this, my personality has changed/envolved the more ive let Kieron out of the closet so to speak, i have become a different person altogether and no it is not personality disorder or split personality, its just the way I have envolved within my transness the more i realised i needed to let myself be full time male.... K_____ doesnt exist cos that was pretence/a show to fit into society


When I say killing I mean that I am ripping off the mask of my female self and I feel better as a person. As C---- I have so much baggage that it staggers me to think about. As Aaron I can see a future. Yes I lost my girlfriend over this but I am free now to do what I need to do.
I did not mean to start a fight over this but to each there own.


I don't think anyone can tell anyone else specifically how to feel about this, though as individuals I think one aspect is similar and that is that we are all identifying as someone else; someone different to that that people knew when we were growing up and reconised as girls. That someone else doesn't have to be thought of as a different person, though in some cases it may be so. The degree of separation from our female selves is going to always be difficult to explain and different for everyone, as everyone did have originally different levels of femininity within their female selves.
I personally don't think that anyone can say that the female side of them is a totally different person, but at the same time I don't think anyone can say it is totally the same person.
Growing up we all at some point had to identify as female, because at a certain point there was no realisation that we were male.. we all started somewhere.. really it depends how we want to use that realisation. I think that our male selves is a development of our female selves, and to some it is easier to leave 'her' behind completely.. But i don't think at any point is anyone saying that he and she are two totally different personas..the he part is what we truely are and the she part is what we were raised to be only according to the dictation of society due to our genetic bodies. :2c:

[Kieron Andrew]

i don't think at any point is anyone saying that he and she are two totally different personas..the he part is what we truely are and the she part is what we were raised to be only according to the dictation of society due to our genetic bodies. :2c:

yup thats exactly what i meant, I myself was 'conditioned and taught' to be female/girl, it was a learnt experience whereas being male for me is a natural state, it is what comes naturally and feels the more comfortable of the two genders, it feels the real me not one forced/conditioned or learnt

[Anthony Jake]

yup thats exactly what i meant, I myself was 'conditioned and taught' to be female/girl, it was a learnt experience whereas being male for me is a natural state, it is what comes naturally and feels the more comfortable of the two genders, it feels the real me not one forced/conditioned or learnt

But, i also don't think that every bit of conditioned or taught femininity can be totally erased.. I always think that perhaps maybe, we will be more understanding than the average GM as we have in a sense had a totally different emotional side to us at one stage.. as much as some aspects can be conditioned.. I don't think emotions and personality can be totally changed just in accordance with what gender we choose to identify as there is always going to be a level of cross over. *hides in corner incase someone wants to hit me :D*

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

I did not mean to start a fight over this but to each there own.

I wasn't trying to start a fight or tell anyone what they think or feel... I realize that I worded my original post badly and for that I'm sorry guys.


Growing up we all at some point had to identify as female, because at a certain point there was no realisation that we were male.. we all started somewhere.. really it depends how we want to use that realisation. I think that our male selves is a development of our female selves, and to some it is easier to leave 'her' behind completely.. But i don't think at any point is anyone saying that he and she are two totally different personas..the he part is what we truely are and the she part is what we were raised to be only according to the dictation of society due to our genetic bodies. :2c:

Thanks Seth. That makes a lot more sense than what I wrote.

[Cai]

But, i also don't think that every bit of conditioned or taught femininity can be totally erased.. I always think that perhaps maybe, we will be more understanding than the average GM as we have in a sense had a totally different emotional side to us at one stage.. as much as some aspects can be conditioned.. I don't think emotions and personality can be totally changed just in accordance with what gender we choose to identify as there is always going to be a level of cross over. *hides in corner incase someone wants to hit me :D*

There's something to that, at least for me. I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that I was born and socialized as female. It's a part of me, a part of my past. There are things about me that are always going to be different from GM's, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
But really, I don't think I would have been better off born male. I would have been a very repressed boy, because I have a feminine side that's an important part of my personality. Growing up as female allowed me to express that, but the trade-off was repressing my masculinity. Now I get to let that out, and be who I really am - a feminine man.

[ZenFrost]

Also, my female name doesn't feel like my name anymore. When people call me it or if I have to go by it, I don't realize they're referring to me.

With what I said earlier about my 'female self' and my 'male self.' I was born a guy in a girls body, inside I was male, but I wore a mask that had a female name. When I started using my male name, the mask came off because my 'female self' was just that mask, nothing more. I have learned to be a woman, to have mannerisms that ladies do and other things that society dictates, but those things are just actions and they do not define who I am on the inside. Before I realized I was male, I would look in the mirror and see a female, without realizing it was a mask, but now that the mask is off, I'm much happier and my 'female self' wasn't real because I'm not a girl.

Did that make any sense at all or am I just being crazy?

[Anthony Jake]

There's something to that, at least for me. I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that I was born and socialized as female. It's a part of me, a part of my past. There are things about me that are always going to be different from GM's, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
But really, I don't think I would have been better off born male. I would have been a very repressed boy, because I have a feminine side that's an important part of my personality. Growing up as female allowed me to express that, but the trade-off was repressing my masculinity. Now I get to let that out, and be who I really am - a feminine man.

I totally get that, I have been arguing with myself for ages as to whether (and this seems silly -) whether I am eligable to call myself a guy, but talking through on here and realising that I don't have to fit the social norm, or the quota of society has given me the confidence that no matter what traits I have, if I feel that I am a certain way I am entitled to do whatever needs to be done in order for me to live in a way which I feel happy doing.

[CaptLex]

Growing up as female allowed me to express that, but the trade-off was repressing my masculinity. Now I get to let that out, and be who I really am - a feminine man.
:yt: Ditto!

[Felix]

Hi Hun I don't think you are mad at all :hugs: When I decided to look for a male name I was excited at the thought but now as time has gone on and I feel settled with my decisions I do not feel I personally have killed off my female side. My close friends all know about Felix and people call me what they feel comfortable with whether it be Felix or my female name. So don't worry Hun Ya not goin crazy lol!! xx Felix :hugs::hugs:

[Kieron Andrew]

Also, my female name doesn't feel like my name anymore. When people call me it or if I have to go by it, I don't realize they're referring to me.
Thats how it is for me, i am very uncomfortable now when someone uses my 'other' name...its not who i am


With what I said earlier about my 'female self' and my 'male self.' I was born a guy in a girls body, inside I was male, but I wore a mask that had a female name. When I started using my male name, the mask came off because my 'female self' was just that mask, nothing more. I have learned to be a woman, to have mannerisms that ladies do and other things that society dictates, but those things are just actions and they do not define who I am on the inside. Before I realized I was male, I would look in the mirror and see a female, without realizing it was a mask, but now that the mask is off, I'm much happier and my 'female self' wasn't real because I'm not a girl.yup thats totally how i see it, being female was learned not natural



Did that make any sense at all or am I just being crazy?made total sense