Cder's make good husbands?

[Linda C]

Who here feels that because you are a cross dresser you are a good husband and better person in general - because you are maybe less macho and more in touch with your girl side. I know so many guys who think that if the treat women badly or feel like they have the upper hand it makes them the dominant half of the relationship. Does there need to be a dominant half??

Also - this is just something that I have felt about myself and was wondering if anyone felt similar - just asking not trying to start an argument or outrage anyone ...

[Marianna Julianna]

Hard to say, how would I have been if I didn't crossdress? I might call myself worse in some ways because I tend towards secrecy, even though my wife knows and is not totally anti it all. Sorry, impossible for me to answer this one.

[Suzie Green]

I think if you're a good husband, it's because of your personality in general. What you get out of your marriage is directly proportional to what you put into it. Good husbands can be engineers, truck drivers, pastry chefs, crossdressers, plumbers, unemployed ditch diggers...the list goes on. I'm not sure there's a direct correlation. I'm who I am, whether I dress or not. And I don't think having a "girl side" or being less macho makes you a better husband either. I do know that tolerance and understanding play an important part in both sides of the relationship. Perhaps a long term study would tell more, but it's awful hard to make a conclusion based on a gut feel.

Dominant half? I don't there has to be necessarily. I'm more dominant (barely so) than my wife, but that's just our personalities, and it happens to work. But I think other traits are involved and the dominance is only perhaps a minor part of the whole mix.

[Mitch23]

I think so but I don't think my wife would necessarily agree ....

Mitch

[Becca]

No, I don't think that being a C'Der makes me a better husband, although it's an interesting notion to consider. I was about to say "yes," when I thought about the secrecy. While the general culture is now becoming more and more accepting, back in the 60's, when I was a teenager, and the 70's, when I was married, there was very good reason to keep family and neighbors from finding out. A slightly different question would be to ask our spouses: "Has your husband's cross-dressing made him a better husband?"

[Chari]

For me it has always been a matter of good communication and understanding between my SO and me. The more I CDed and she approved, the more I became a happier, relaxed, helpful, tolerant person. I may not always be dressed fem outside, but my fem side has made me enjoy more of life.:happy:

Hugs2U, Chari

[Emily Ann Brown]

All I know is I wouldn't marry a man that crossdresses ! GIGGLE GIGGLE


Emily Ann

[Marla S]

Who here feels that because you are a cross dresser you are a good husband and better person in general - because you are maybe less macho and more in touch with your girl side.
A better person usually is a more balanced person.
If being a CD helps to find the own balance, yes it is a means to become a better person.
But CDing also can make you selfish and self-absorbed, and can narrow your view. That, probably, doesn't make you a better husband.


I know so many guys who think that if the treat women badly or feel like they have the upper hand it makes them the dominant half of the relationship. Does there need to be a dominant half??
It doesn't need a dominant half, but there will be always someone how takes the lead for certain purposes. It's best when this bases on talent and agreement rather than on traditional gender roles.

[Joanne f]

Interesting question, i can only say that all my wife's friends that do not have cding husbands, well as far as the wives are concerned, seam to be drinkers,wifebeaters or going off with other women type of husbands ,i would not say that all are like that as i expect a lot are not but it doe`s seam that if a cder is allowed to dress some times they have some sort of inner peace which makes them a better husband .



joanne

[kim85]

Id have to say that i disagree that they make better husbands because of this. I do agree that they are more intouch with the inner women but husbands who dont cross dress can also be like this. My ex didnt cross dress yet he was a loving and nice as my current parnter.

[Annaliese]

Who here feels that because you are a cross dresser you are a good husband and better person in general - because you are maybe less macho and more in touch with your girl side. I know so many guys who think that if the treat women badly or feel like they have the upper hand it makes them the dominant half of the relationship. Does there need to be a dominant half??

Also - this is just something that I have felt about myself and was wondering if anyone felt similar - just asking not trying to start an argument or outrage anyone ...

Yes I feel it make me a great husband and father now.
When I was younger and hideing that side of me and trying to be the macho a-- I was failure at both.

Anna

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

I don't think t girls make good husbands just because they are transgendered. Being a good husband takes committment, love and empathy. But being a cd can be a plus for a marriage. It's so much fun sharing clothes and makeup with your wife when she enjoys it too.

[tommi]

Early on before she knew I dressed I felt it made me better,I enjoyed doing
the sterotypical female chores.
Once my wife found out she hates it and if I get going overboard at home she
gets cranky.

[Linda C]

Early on before she knew I dressed I felt it made me better,I enjoyed doing
the sterotypical female chores.
Once my wife found out she hates it and if I get going overboard at home she
gets cranky.

I can understand that - My wife doesn't know that I dress - I would be sooo dead. For some reason I have aways had a connection with women and felt like I have a good understanding of GG's because I dress - yes I know it goes deeper than that!! :happy:

[Mirani]

Not sure I like any stereotypes - where ever it occurs.

Being CD is just that .. being CD ....

I am sure that just like any other group, amongst us we have the Good, the Bad, the Ugly -
the Kind, the Mean, the Spiteful,
the thoughtful, the selfish, the arrogant,
the Spritual, the Agnostic, the Atheist,
the Straight, the Bi, the Same Gender Orientated,
the Good Husband, the Bad Husband.
the Dependable, the Feckless

So for me, the question is a bit redundant.

[kzsmiley]

Linda you are right!! My husband is so understanding and is a much better lover than any I've had before!!

KZ

[Linda C]

Linda you are right!! My husband is so understanding and is a much better lover than any I've had before!!

KZ

Nice - that's what I was looking for!! I knew something positive would come out of this.. :D

[crunchysoda]

A better person usually is a more balanced person.
If being a CD helps to find the own balance, yes it is a means to become a better person.
But CDing also can make you selfish and self-absorbed, and can narrow your view. That, probably, doesn't make you a better husband.




I have to agree w/Marla on this.

Unfortunately I hear *so* many more stories of "my DH is self abosorbed and selfish, unloving, unaffectionate, and basically ignores me" than stories of "He's such a great lover, compassionate and sensitive."

Personally I dont feel my bf is "in touch" w/his "feminine side" at all. He thinks Im "too emotional" and we often butt heads because our thinking is so different.
Dont even get me started on the love making. That's a whole other issue that we have issues w/.

But I love him.

I just dont see how the "simple" act of CDing makes someone more in touch w/the sterotypical opposite gender's mind set. The two dont necessarily go hand in hand. I am not saying it can't but it's certainly not automatic.

[Dee Talbot]

Some CD's make good husbands, and some make crappy husbands. Just like non-CD's. While being enfemme has helped my husband to be in a better place at times, I know that some SO's have found that while their husbands are enfemme, they are self-absorbed and selfish.

Just like non-CD's. The clothes have nothing to do with it.

However, if you feel that being dressed helps you to be a better husband, then good for you. A good husband is a good thing.

Dee

[Michelle 51]

My wife says i.m different when i dress. I.m more open and honest more like a best friend.I know that i am more open about my feelings with her when i dress. Justabit

[Raychel]

I don't know if I am a good Husband or Father. My wife says that I am, But I can see alot of areas where I could use some improvement.

Some of the areas have to do with crossdressing too. :(

[SandyR]

I love to cook, and keep the house clean and orginized,,,may be the girl in me. But I know she likes that I can work on the cars. I think I make a pretty darn good hsuband, even in a skirt. LOL!

SandyR

[sissystephanie]

I don't know that being a CD made me a better husband, only my late wife could really answer that. But I think she would say that I was a better person, because I recognized my feminine side (which we all have!) and utilized it. She knew before we were married, and as I have said here before, I was not only her husband and best friend, but also her best girl friend with whon she liked to go out!

I feel like I am more sensitive to peoples feelings, because of my femininety. I am a man. but with a strong feminine side. Being a CD probably emphasizes that point, but I have reached a point where I not only don't care, but welcome the idea.

Sissy/Stephanie

More girl than man sometimes

[Kate Simmons]

It depends a lot on the person himself, his character, his values and his priorities.:happy:

[Joann0830]

I read your opening post and have to say You Are Right!, I have always felt that way all my life and it always helped me dating and finally settling down with the right person. When she had passed in 2001 I raised my youngest daughter who was 10 going on 11 and is now 17 and knows about me and thinks its grand and always comments me about me being a "Stud Muffin" LOL
I tell her all the time to stop but she still does. But I have dated two woman since my spouse passed and the Lady I am dating now constatntly tells me that I am not like any other male she has ever met. (In a Good Sense)
I go along with you on that statement.n I wonder if anyone else has ever been told this. Joann:heehee::love:

[Applelicious]

Your question doesn't sound like a generalization, but rather refering to each poster. I'm not married, but I don't think that because I crossdress, it would make me a better husband. I believe being a good husband comes from having integrity, communication skills, good judgement, and respect. However, having both male and female mentalities makes me a more understanding and versatile partner, but also complex which a lot of people can't handle or grasp.

As far as being dominant goes, being dominant doesn't entail treating women poorly. That's just a jerk. Women who desire to be treated this way have their own issues, and really shouldn't be in relationships until those issues are resolved. I've been in relationships where neither one of us wanted to take on the dominant role and it caused problems. So I do think it needs to be there, but that is slightly inaccurate. Anything with an opposing opposite needs balance; in this case dominance and submissiveness.

A lot of people consider themselves to be both dominant and submissive, and measure them in percentiles. Some are 70/30 towards dominant, others might be 90/10 towards submissive, and I consider myself to be exactly 50/50. I believe that the closer two people are to being congruent with these percentiles, the more compatible they are since their dominant and submissive preferences will coincide.

[Kris]

As far as being dominant goes, being dominant doesn't entail treating women poorly. That's just a jerk. Women who desire to be treated this way have their own issues, and really shouldn't be in relationships until those issues are resolved. I've been in relationships where neither one of us wanted to take on the dominant role and it caused problems. So I do think it needs to be there, but that is slightly inaccurate. Anything with an opposing opposite needs balance; in this case dominance and submissiveness.



Applelicious,


Hi there! Being dominant has nothing to do with abuse. I am dominant, I am very dominant. I love to debate things and learn from others. That doesn't mean that I want to hurt, nor take someones rights away from them. I don't think anyone was saying that dominance equals abuse.

I am really uneasy with the way this is worded. Specifically, " As far as being dominant goes, being dominant doesn't entail treating women poorly. That's just a jerk. Women who desire to be treated this way have their own issues"

Do you know a woman who wants to be treated poorly? I have been around many many women in my life and have never heard one say, "I'd like to be abused by my partner." So before I get all upset and educate you, I would like to ask you for further clarification first.

:hugs:,
Kris

[Applelicious]

Hello Kris,

I apologize if I gave off the wrong impression. The majority of my post is in reference to when the OP said this, "I know so many guys who think that if the treat women badly or feel like they have the upper hand it makes them the dominant half of the relationship."

Dominance has nothing to do with being abusive. That was exactly the point I was trying to get across my post when I said, "As far as being dominant goes, being dominant doesn't entail treating women poorly." Dominance in a relationship to me goes to the partner that exerts the driving force to make things happen. Definitely not someone who feels they have to treat another badly.

To treat a woman badly be is physical or psychological is still abuse. Of course you are never going to hear a woman say they "want" to get treated badly. But fact of the matter is that a lot of women are attracted to abusive partners. They know they're in abusive relationships, but lack the motivation to leave it. This of course, doesn't apply to just women, men often find themselves in the same boat as well.

Anywho, I hope that cleared things up a bit. But please feel free to provide your views. I am a humble person, and if there is something I'm missing, I don't mind havnig it pointed out to me. :happy:

[sterling12]

Good Husbands compared to what? Compared to bad husbands, why sure! Cd is not drug addiction, an intolerable gambling habit, alcoholism, or a host of other raunchy habits and addictions.

But, compared to a "Good Husband," who knows? Husbands as well as wives come in all flavors, and nobody is perfect!

At a lot of my Group Meetings, CD Hubbies don't often help out or do much of anything to help the wives after The Meeting. Is this the sign of an empathic, sympathetic, soulmate? We may idealize femininity, we may seek to imitate our own perceptions of womanhood, but we probably won't win any prizes for "Husband of The Year."

Peace and Love, Joanie

[switcheralso]

Not the best I have secrets like meeting other C/D...I get frustrated when I can't dress...

[Suzie S.]

Well, my wife tells me I'm a great hubby, I try to believe her. :heehee: All I know is that I try my hardest to be the best person I can be, and that I love her more than anything in the world! I don't think my CDing has much to do with it. I enjoy CDing, but it pales in comparison to providing for and loving my dear wife. She always comes first, and I make sure she knows that. :love: In return, she knows I have a need to CD, and respects that fact, and is fine with it. Give and take...balance...and communication, thats what it's all about....nah, CDing doesn't make me a good husband. Having good morals, my dear dad as a great role model, honesty, respect, a touch of humor, a ton of love, and a neverending desire to be with her forever....thats what makes me a good hubby.:happy:

Oh, and I forgot one thing...the wisdom to know that I'm not perfect...

[Dawn Marie]

I don't know if all CD's would make better husbands, because I believe it is the persons upbringing and personality that tells the tale, and CDing is secondary. I know I'm a better husband when I get to dress more often, but I think it is because i tend to use it as a stress relief. My wife knows I use to
crossdress but she doesn't know I still do it. I only wish she was more understanding and accepting.

[Joy Carter]

I don't think t girls make good husbands just because they are transgendered. Being a good husband takes committment, love and empathy. But being a cd can be a plus for a marriage. It's so much fun sharing clothes and makeup with your wife when she enjoys it too.

:iagree:

[Kris]

Of course you are never going to hear a woman say they "want" to get treated badly. But fact of the matter is that a lot of women are attracted to abusive partners. They know they're in abusive relationships, but lack the motivation to leave it. This of course, doesn't apply to just women, men often find themselves in the same boat as well.

Anywho, I hope that cleared things up a bit. But please feel free to provide your views. I am a humble person, and if there is something I'm missing, I don't mind havnig it pointed out to me. :happy:


Well my friend, I am not just going to tell you my views but I would love to educate you on domestic violence. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave. Knowing the statistics for that, it's hard to leave knowing that you are risking your life, rather than getting hurt now and then.

Humans as a whole are attracted to what is comfortable so you're right, many go back to abusers time and time again.. not because they are attracted to them, but because 1) they are an easy target for the next abuser 2) they don't know or understand that there is a different way of live. They've never seen it, so why should they believe it exists?

It is clear in classes to change an abusers way of dealing with partners, that it is not the victim that chooses who will be next as a partner, the abuser is the dominant one who usually see's their target for the next partner and swoops in with charm, promises, and loads of attention. They don't have neon signs that blink on their foreheads that say, " I am an abuser, please pick me for your next partner!" Why don't they? They know that EVERYONE would stay away from them, especially people who have lived in previous abuse.

Yes, often they know they are in abusive relationships and don't leave.. why? They are scared of dying and they are stuck. I work with survivors who are in relationships and they some have left. I know how hard it is to watch someone that you know go back to the abuser. The fact of the matter is, THEY ARE THE EXPERT ON THEIR LIVES, and you or I or anyone else does not have the right to pass judgment on something that she is the expert on. She knows best.


If you would like good examples I can share with you my story.. about how I had no skills that I could physically use, had four children, no job, hadn't worked in 8 years, had no way to support my family if I left.. we in fact were homeless for 2 weeks and were sponsored into a motel. Shelters wouldn't take us because I had a 15 and 12 year old son.

My husband made me believe by constant brainwashing that I was stupid, dependent on him, and unable to fend for myself. I believed when I left that everything on this earth that had gone wrong was my fault. I know now that this is not possible but then I believed it. He locked his keys in our car once and wailed the tar out of me in front of his entire family. I was telling him how sorry I was and I wouldn't be so dumb as to lock my side of the car again without his permission when my sister in law finally called to my attention that this was HIS mistake, and I had no power over what he had done. OF COURSE, she didn't do this until after my daily butt whippin.

My husband choose me as a target for his rampage because I was a very strong willed woman when I met him. I was a challenge to him. He wanted to see if he still had his 'knack" for ripping strong women down. He still had it. I couldn't go grocery shopping without help when I left. I would have extreme panic attacks and fits of crying and hyperventilating because of the new things that were made in the store, as I was not allowed to go shopping or have any money when I was with him.

When I worked, I made more money than he did, but I had to hand over my paychecks. I had to ask for gas money. I did construction too and worked with men, and he would bring me my lunch everyday so that he could make sure the guys that I worked with knew I was taken AND he was sure I wasn't spending my time with them. Now he worked nights and got up in the middle of his night of sleep to do this. He also rigged the doors when he went to work so he would know if they were opened when he got home.

I was stuck, many women are stuck, many people that are abused don't even know there is another way of life. PLEASE please don't judge people because you have had a life that is better than theirs and can't imagine how bad it can be. It's real, it happens, I am a survivor. http://homefree3.thestorychannel.tv/

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

:hugs: and :love:'s,
Kris

[sissy_she_boy]

Who here feels that because you are a cross dresser you are a good husband and better person in general - because you are maybe less macho and more in touch with your girl side. I know so many guys who think that if the treat women badly or feel like they have the upper hand it makes them the dominant half of the relationship. Does there need to be a dominant half??

Also - this is just something that I have felt about myself and was wondering if anyone felt similar - just asking not trying to start an argument or outrage anyone ...

Linda,
That is a very difficult question to answer. In general, I have found that a lot of Cd's are a little more passive and kind than the average straight man. But there are also some Cd's that I have met that are totally dominant and sometimes downright rude especially when they are in boy mode. It also depends on your wife as well. While I am sure there are some women that would love to have a more passive guy that is in touch with his feminine side, there are also a lot of women that love a man to be dominant and masculine.

The bottom line is that I think it all depends on you and your spouse. Hopefully yours is one that loves a more passive person that is in touch with their feminine side. Then all will be great between you two.

Also, I am sure that there are some of us that would make a better wife than some GG's. But thats for another thread (giggles).

kisses
sissy dana

[Kris]

Also, I am sure that there are some of us that would make a better wife than some GG's. But thats for another thread (giggles).

kisses
sissy dana

Hey, I resemble that remark! :tongueout

Kris

[kimmy p]

I think that it makes me a better; more well rounded person. If I let it (my CD tendencies) get to a certain level it can put a strain on my relationship with my wife. She doesn't mind me wearing "most" things around the house. I sleep in a flannel nightgown, and panties with hose everyday. But if I went out in public, or acknowledged that I would like to attend a CD event then her limit switch would click closed. So I don’t know if it makes me a better spouse or not. On the other hand I find it hard to be macho while wearing neon pink panties. :heehee: Plus it pretty much insures (not that I would anyways) that I’ll never cheat (see issues with pink panties). I’ve found that I can be an occasional B***H though. And I love girl talk.

[sissy_she_boy]

Hey, I resemble that remark! :tongueout

Kris

Well at least I am not the only one that feels that way LOL. :GE:

kisses
sissy dana

[Applelicious]

Well Kris, I am very sorry to hear about your past. And I appreciate you using yourself as an example of what goes on out there. I value your experience on the matter, and accept your corrections to my previous post. I also highly admire your ability to persevere though that very difficult time in your life. However, there are a couple of things I would like to point out.

The first is that I lived in a house of abuse for a long time. My mother was physically and emotionally abused by my father, as well as some of her previous partners. She would try to leave, but we found ourselves back in the same situation over and over again. Infedility had always been in the household, and the same goes for alcoholism and drug abuse. My alcoholic brother used to beat the crap out of me until I finally developed the strength to take him down myself. And my oldest brother has been in and out of jail for beating up his current girlfriend of 15 years. Not only have I dealt with DV inside the home, but I have interacted with many GG's with abusive spouses outside. Most notably an old co-worker of mine who is also a very good friend. Not only did her husband beat the crap out of her, he also got her fired. All of the above mentioned has done a number on me emotionally, all the while dealing with my gender identity issues. So if you ask me not to past judgement, I please ask you to do the same for me, as my life hasn't been a magical wonderland either.

Now I can't completely relate on your level; I'm not a GG who has found herself with an abusive partner far stronger than myself, so it is difficult to comprehend the thoughts and emotions you experienced. I'm not trying to be judgemental, and I do know what it is like to feel trapped or "stuck"; not knowing that there is a better life out there. In order to get past this vicious cycle we have to accept that we are not happy, and are willing to do what it takes to pursue that happiness.

One thing in your last post that really caught my eye was where you said, "It is clear in classes to change an abusers way of dealing with partners, that it is not the victim that chooses who will be next as a partner, the abuser is the dominant one who usually see's their target for the next partner and swoops in with charm, promises, and loads of attention. They don't have neon signs that blink on their foreheads that say, " I am an abuser, please pick me for your next partner!" Why don't they? They know that EVERYONE would stay away from them, especially people who have lived in previous abuse." I have to slightly disagree here, because I am a firm believer that choice belongs solely to the one who chooses. People can be manipulated by the charm, attention, and empty promises you speak of, but the choice is still theirs. No, there is not a sign that blantantly says that the person is an abuser. But there are the more subtle signs, and it's a choice to acknowledge or neglect them. Please note that I use attraction in the context of being drawn to something/someone, and not finding these particular signs appealing. I believe that these subtle signs are indeed acknowledged in a lot of cases, logically determining that the victim is drawn to those negative traits.

Also, the man swooping in on his target sounds like a person of a predatory type. Predators usually go after the weak and defenseless to lessen the challenge of the hunt. From your last post, this didn't sound like your status when your ex picked up on you. But what I just said is a generalization. In any case, I feel that in these type of situations, we have to accept that this choice was ultimately ours, and not to point fingers.

I honestly did not know that statistically speaking, leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship. But I do know that statistically speaking, we risk our lives everyday. Now that is obviously a different case, but the point that I'm trying to make here is we can't let fear hold us back. That is what fear is designed to do; it prevents us from venturing into the unknown, and keeps up in a zone we are comfortable in.

You have stated that you are a survivor of domestic violence. This alone says that there is hope for all those out there who feel that they are stuck. IMO, you have exibited fearlessness. Personally, I would choose to die rather than live the rest of my life unhappy. So if that entails risks, I'm going to take them. Somebody had to sail the world, and go into orbit for the first time. I use thoughts like these as motivators.

[Kris]

I would NEVER pass judgment on you, or anyone else my friend. Domestic violence is everywhere, and you are a survivor of the violence that happened in your home. You are my sister, even if I am not a Tgirl! :tongueout

You are right, the responsibility goes to the one who chooses. Many times, it is the abuser who chooses. An example I can give you is that abusers often target the week people. Women with disabilities are 70% more likely to find themselves in a domestic violence situation than the average woman without disabilities. They also try to target single women with children. Because they are tired, they want help, they are often living below the poverty level and then comes this man.. with money, and a job, who says, you don't have to work honey, I will take care of you.. I can't TELL you how hard it is to say no to that. Plus they are charming, shower you with attention.. and of course they want to spend all their time with you because they love you. No one has every made them feel so good. And the all famous line, " I am sorry your ex hit you, I would NEVER do that." Of course you want to believe it so you do.

The red flags that you are talking about are things that you need to learn. I still have talked to men and they manipulate me and I have to go to my fantastic support system and bounce off of them what I hear from the guy and they will tell me, "Wow Kris that is manipulation." They explain to me why and I don't see it until then. Now love, I have been out of domestic violence for over 5 years and STILL don't see some red flags. Some women don't have the strength and determination that I have. Some women believe from the stereo types that they can't survive without a man.. so the first one that comes along, they latch on to. So it's easy to pass judgment on them and say they choose these idiots but.. they are targets of abuse.

Once a survivor LEARNS these traits (red flags) I have never heard one survivor say, " Well I heard a few red flags but I'm gonna hook up with him anyway." I work with survivors all the time. I have heard them say things like, "Well his sister says he is an abuser because he was 27 and had a girlfriend that was 12, but he said that she acted like an adult and he fell victim to her charm and had NO idea." Now logically, that is bull.. it is child abuse and he should be shot for it. You can't tell me no matter how mature a 12 year old looks .. you CAN tell she is 12. She WANTS to believe her partner. She believes this crap. She is blinded by the love she feels for this person and doesn't think logically.

I can use this example, because it was ME. I believed it. It took me WEEKS of being away from him and multiple people telling me that it was hog wash, before I thought logically. I am a smart woman. I am not dumb. I fell for it. I was totally blinded by his brainwashing.

Now, I am not saying that I don't have some responsibility for the abuse that my children endured. I kept them there. It was my choice. I thought I was doing right by them. I didn't think that they knew about what was going on behind closed doors. I honestly was convinced that it wasn't effecting them. It did effect them. I am responsible for keeping them there. I am responsible for not leaving sooner. I am not responsible for the abuse. Saying that I made the choice to be with an abuser is absurd. If I had known that, I wouldn't have married him. Abusers ARE predatory creatures - they pick their prey and swoop in with charm and manipulate. They know EXACTLY what they are doing. Their victims do not know. They don't know to run like a mouse from an owl.. so they get swooped.

The other thing that I want to tell you, you called me fearless. That I exhibited fearlessness. Honey I am the most scared person that you can imagine. I have moved 15 times in the past 5 years. I have left everything in my house in a second and walked out with nothing. I have gotten restraining order one right after the next and gone to court and he not been prosecuted because I was the only one who saw him stalking me. I am living in fear. The difference is that my out look on life is... there are those that fear and don't act.. and those that fear and do act... who has the most fun?

Don't mistake my willingness leave as fearlessness. I am filled with fear. I used to call Portland Womans Crisis line regularly to make it through the night... I still always look over my shoulder and when I see a gold minivan behind me terror comes over my body because I am sure he knows where I am again. I can see a million times why someone wouldn't leave. The life I live is hard and I can't WAIT for him to get too involved in his own life to bother with us. I am trying to believe that now, but... I still live on the side of cautiousness.

I try to use myself as an example to other women that it CAN be done. There IS life without violence. I view the world seven generations out. I HAVE to break this cycle of violence for my grandchildren to come because I don't want them to live in the fear that my children and I have had to endure.

:hugs: and :love:'s,
Kris

[Applelicious]

PM sent to your inbox Kris :happy:

[sterling12]

Kudos for you Kris. Your narratives on the subject of abuse are cogent, compelling, and if we pay attention....educational. The main thing I hear from people outside of the circle of abuse, "How could she put up with this, how could she stick around?" You have done a lot to explain it!

I think your messages on this subject have certainly given me a lot more insight about the mindset of someone being abused. And for me, that's a good thing! In my State, it's mandatory for people in my profession to study abuse. We are considered to be "The Front Line," in evaluating and getting some help for people who go into Doctor's offices or ER's with physical trauma. In my State, it is mandatory for medical personnel to report all suspected cases of Abuse.

I think your explanations give me a better opportunity to help victims, because the more I learn about the "whys," the better will be my professional management of this type of problem.

Anyway, thank you for sharing some personal stories with us, I'm sure it's difficult to relive a lot of these things, but they do help us all to understand.

Peace and Love, Joanie