Kimberley
11-17-2007, 09:09 AM
This article is dedicated to some very special people: Jo Ann (my therapist), Ms.Donna, Capt. Lex, KathyGG and Tamara. All of them have helped me and are cherished for their patience, guidance and sharing of themselves. there have been others as well but to include everyone would be a long list indeed.
********
Most transgendered people no matter where they fit on the spectrum have to come to terms with their being TG. It is not an easy task nor does it follow a prescribed path but in general terms the journey is remarkably similar.
The first stage of this journey for all of us is simply the fact that we discover we are not alone; there are others just like us. The birth and growth of the internet has proven to be the linking pin for transgendered people finding one another. Personal websites are rampant, then came the "transgender web rings" and the social networking sites. One would think this is all a good thing but that is not the case.
Personal websites need to be viewed with a critical eye; primarily for bias and misinformation. It is impossible for any writer to be without bias, this author included, but recognizing that and identifying it as opinion goes a long way in removing some of this. Even with this approach there are people who will read what they want to hear and ignore the warnings. It really is human nature. This doesn't make them right or wrong, only careless in their approach. The real problem occurs when they present their thoughts based on perceptions as fact. (Personally I provide annotation or links to my sources) This is where the misinformation aspect becomes a major problem.
It is necessary to recognize that when these people begin this journey they are vulnerable and as such; easily influenced. This is why getting the correct information is so very important.
Usually the transgendered person has found a myriad of these personal websites read and read and read and at each one thought "Wow, that is just like me." Well the fact is that it isnt just like them. We are all different and have different dynamics in our lives. So many CD's read the website of a t-girl and it is all decorated in hearts and roses and says how great her life is now that she has transitioned. She heads up a fortune 500 company and makes millions a year, has a wonderful family and it is crap. The CD doesn't see it. They see how she felt so confused, alienated and alone, and just wanted to dress up and work and live as a girl 24/7. Then she discovered she was a transsexual and began her journey to transition and a fairy tale life. More fairy tale than anything if the truth be told. Some of these people are truly honest but not many.
Next they discover the COGIATI test for transsexuals and amazingly the results are "you are a probable transsexual." That just confirms it for the CD and now s/he is bent on heading for transition. Well guess what, COGIATI is garbage and of little more than entertainment value. Why not play X's and O's? X wins and you are TS. O wins and probably you are TS.
Now with a purpose they do a Google search and find the social sites for transgendered. Suddenly there are all these people just like him/her. Wow! Blown away and not only that but they are welcoming with open arms. There are CD's, M2F and F2M transsexuals as well as TG's. There are virtual cafe's, and picture forums and places to put your heart on your sleeve and it is all too good to be real. Well that much is true. It isn't real.
That said, there are some good well meaning people on some of these sites and they have their heads on straight. They dont care about panties, or about getting clocked. They dont care if you order ten fuzzy navels an hour in the cafe. What they do care about is helping others and doing it in such a way that they are only acting as facilitators.
I know this because one of these "girls" took me under her wing and helped me through some very difficult times. In turn, I did the same for others. Eventually I discovered that there was only so much growth that could happen in this environment and it became cyclical with every crop of newbies. The completion of that journey was with my therapist. Even now I am not always convinced I have finished the road of self acceptance. There are always questions.
The journey usually begins with recognizing that labels are evil. No one is purely a CD or TS. There are elements of each "category" in all of us. I know that I identify as a transsexual but I also recognize that there is some CD in there and maybe even a tiny sliver of the fetishist. That was hard to accept because everyone is supposed to fit in a box. Wrong. Some people are unable to break out of this stage and remain confused and in denial of who they really are. They aren't hard to see. They are the ones who purge, they go totally in the closet no matter what, they know that if anyone were to find out their lives would be over and of course if they were to accept that this is normal then their lives would end. They live with guilt, shame and fear.
Once the transgendered person realizes that they are dynamic and in a state of growth they are willing to examine their lives in more detail and surprisingly with an objective eye. They usually see themselves as two distinct people; one male and one female. Of course this revelation causes them some serious distress because they see themselves as living a lie. The reality is that they have an atypical view of themselves. This is actually the next hurdle they have to overcome. In order to break out of this they have to see that the male and female share the same traits. This is where the real distinction between the TS and CD occurs. The CD is able to put that female on a pedestal and emulate her.
The TS realizes she is a significant part of the core personality if not the core itself.
When the CD accepts that the female is a part of him/her but not the core then self acceptance is very near at hand. For the TS there is still a long ways to go and that road is filled with sinkholes.
For the CD the final step is to recognize that this gender issue is a part of their life but not all of it. They still relish their biological gender and wouldn't trade it for anything. Of course there are always the silly conversations of the Magic Pill and all that garbage but if they were faced with the choice of a surgical knife or not they will not transition for any reason. It is at this stage the CD may want to come out of the closet. This is a very personal choice of course and only the CD can make it.
As I said, the journey for the TS is a long way from over. The transsexual has seen that child within and s/he is angry beyond belief. This is where the TS is at serious risk. That child is no longer willing to be held down and s/he is going to take over a life at any cost.
As silly as this sounds it is up to the TS to negotiate a truce. This requires the guidance of a third party; a therapist experienced in gender. The therapist cant and wont lay out a path to follow because for the child to grow up, the barriers have to come down. It should come as no surprise that those barriers are the old enemies of guilt, shame, and fear. This is where the CD has already surpassed the TS. The CD has recognized them, put them into context in their life and moved on knowing they exist and s/he can deal with them on a different level. The transsexual has yet to realize that they are a part of them, a deep part.
For the TS to overcome these barriers takes time and discovery of what created them in the first place. Then it is possible to move on and see how they are affecting their life and inhibiting their growth. This process can take years and the therapist will never recommend transition until these issues are dealt with. There is no shortcut only a lot of pain, anger and tears. When this is "over" although it is questionable if it ever truly ends, then the final step of recognition of the real person is possible. That is the person that is really a composite of the core and the learned personality. They become one and the person becomes whole, ready to face the world, ready to transition for all the right reasons and with all the support systems needed for survival.
********
Most transgendered people no matter where they fit on the spectrum have to come to terms with their being TG. It is not an easy task nor does it follow a prescribed path but in general terms the journey is remarkably similar.
The first stage of this journey for all of us is simply the fact that we discover we are not alone; there are others just like us. The birth and growth of the internet has proven to be the linking pin for transgendered people finding one another. Personal websites are rampant, then came the "transgender web rings" and the social networking sites. One would think this is all a good thing but that is not the case.
Personal websites need to be viewed with a critical eye; primarily for bias and misinformation. It is impossible for any writer to be without bias, this author included, but recognizing that and identifying it as opinion goes a long way in removing some of this. Even with this approach there are people who will read what they want to hear and ignore the warnings. It really is human nature. This doesn't make them right or wrong, only careless in their approach. The real problem occurs when they present their thoughts based on perceptions as fact. (Personally I provide annotation or links to my sources) This is where the misinformation aspect becomes a major problem.
It is necessary to recognize that when these people begin this journey they are vulnerable and as such; easily influenced. This is why getting the correct information is so very important.
Usually the transgendered person has found a myriad of these personal websites read and read and read and at each one thought "Wow, that is just like me." Well the fact is that it isnt just like them. We are all different and have different dynamics in our lives. So many CD's read the website of a t-girl and it is all decorated in hearts and roses and says how great her life is now that she has transitioned. She heads up a fortune 500 company and makes millions a year, has a wonderful family and it is crap. The CD doesn't see it. They see how she felt so confused, alienated and alone, and just wanted to dress up and work and live as a girl 24/7. Then she discovered she was a transsexual and began her journey to transition and a fairy tale life. More fairy tale than anything if the truth be told. Some of these people are truly honest but not many.
Next they discover the COGIATI test for transsexuals and amazingly the results are "you are a probable transsexual." That just confirms it for the CD and now s/he is bent on heading for transition. Well guess what, COGIATI is garbage and of little more than entertainment value. Why not play X's and O's? X wins and you are TS. O wins and probably you are TS.
Now with a purpose they do a Google search and find the social sites for transgendered. Suddenly there are all these people just like him/her. Wow! Blown away and not only that but they are welcoming with open arms. There are CD's, M2F and F2M transsexuals as well as TG's. There are virtual cafe's, and picture forums and places to put your heart on your sleeve and it is all too good to be real. Well that much is true. It isn't real.
That said, there are some good well meaning people on some of these sites and they have their heads on straight. They dont care about panties, or about getting clocked. They dont care if you order ten fuzzy navels an hour in the cafe. What they do care about is helping others and doing it in such a way that they are only acting as facilitators.
I know this because one of these "girls" took me under her wing and helped me through some very difficult times. In turn, I did the same for others. Eventually I discovered that there was only so much growth that could happen in this environment and it became cyclical with every crop of newbies. The completion of that journey was with my therapist. Even now I am not always convinced I have finished the road of self acceptance. There are always questions.
The journey usually begins with recognizing that labels are evil. No one is purely a CD or TS. There are elements of each "category" in all of us. I know that I identify as a transsexual but I also recognize that there is some CD in there and maybe even a tiny sliver of the fetishist. That was hard to accept because everyone is supposed to fit in a box. Wrong. Some people are unable to break out of this stage and remain confused and in denial of who they really are. They aren't hard to see. They are the ones who purge, they go totally in the closet no matter what, they know that if anyone were to find out their lives would be over and of course if they were to accept that this is normal then their lives would end. They live with guilt, shame and fear.
Once the transgendered person realizes that they are dynamic and in a state of growth they are willing to examine their lives in more detail and surprisingly with an objective eye. They usually see themselves as two distinct people; one male and one female. Of course this revelation causes them some serious distress because they see themselves as living a lie. The reality is that they have an atypical view of themselves. This is actually the next hurdle they have to overcome. In order to break out of this they have to see that the male and female share the same traits. This is where the real distinction between the TS and CD occurs. The CD is able to put that female on a pedestal and emulate her.
The TS realizes she is a significant part of the core personality if not the core itself.
When the CD accepts that the female is a part of him/her but not the core then self acceptance is very near at hand. For the TS there is still a long ways to go and that road is filled with sinkholes.
For the CD the final step is to recognize that this gender issue is a part of their life but not all of it. They still relish their biological gender and wouldn't trade it for anything. Of course there are always the silly conversations of the Magic Pill and all that garbage but if they were faced with the choice of a surgical knife or not they will not transition for any reason. It is at this stage the CD may want to come out of the closet. This is a very personal choice of course and only the CD can make it.
As I said, the journey for the TS is a long way from over. The transsexual has seen that child within and s/he is angry beyond belief. This is where the TS is at serious risk. That child is no longer willing to be held down and s/he is going to take over a life at any cost.
As silly as this sounds it is up to the TS to negotiate a truce. This requires the guidance of a third party; a therapist experienced in gender. The therapist cant and wont lay out a path to follow because for the child to grow up, the barriers have to come down. It should come as no surprise that those barriers are the old enemies of guilt, shame, and fear. This is where the CD has already surpassed the TS. The CD has recognized them, put them into context in their life and moved on knowing they exist and s/he can deal with them on a different level. The transsexual has yet to realize that they are a part of them, a deep part.
For the TS to overcome these barriers takes time and discovery of what created them in the first place. Then it is possible to move on and see how they are affecting their life and inhibiting their growth. This process can take years and the therapist will never recommend transition until these issues are dealt with. There is no shortcut only a lot of pain, anger and tears. When this is "over" although it is questionable if it ever truly ends, then the final step of recognition of the real person is possible. That is the person that is really a composite of the core and the learned personality. They become one and the person becomes whole, ready to face the world, ready to transition for all the right reasons and with all the support systems needed for survival.