Caught

[kaylagurl]

Well it unfortunately finally happened....my wife and I were getting ready for church and she left the bathroom so I could use the sink and she decided to check her email....for some reason my yahoo messenger did not sign off like I thought it did and there was a message popped up on the screen from a friend. She automatically thought it was a real girl and was really really mad. I made the mistake of denying everything at first, saying I didn't know what it was. She knew better so I had to come out with it. It was not good either, she was really upset I had talked with so many people online and didn't trust her enough to tell her. I understood that and told her it was because I was scared. She was disgusted by it also, she later told me she couldn't look at me and not see that in me....like I was less of a guy. There was obviously crying and I begged her to forgive me. She said that would take time. I really needed her to let me know that she still loved me and to show it by looking at me and giving me a hug, she said she still loved me but didn't know if she could show it now. I told her that I would make it all go away and do whatever I needed to because she was the most important thing to me. I just know that this is something that doesn't just go away.

Today was a little better, it still feels like she looks at me differently and I didn't know what to expect. She talked more to me like normal and even hugged and kissed me good night so that was good.

I just wish I could get her to research this and get on a website like this to talk with other wives who understand and accept it.

Hopefully things will slowly get better and the communication lines will open more.

[Di]

Please tell her from here on out...NO LIES....that you were scared ...explain you had to hid it your entire life...and it feels good she knows . You have to build up the trust ...I am sure she feels betrayed big time. And please do not say you will stop...do not make promises that you will not be able to keep......that will only make it worse down the line. From here on out be open and honest with her. She might have some up and down days....try to get her to see this is a part of you...you are the same person she loves..........and try to answer any questions she might have as honest as you can. Maybe you can show her this site when she is ready and we can help her as well.Best Wishes.

[Brenda1423]

That's similar to what happened to me several years ago. My wife wouldn't approve of it in any shape or form. I just quit for several years and as Di said, don't make promises you won't be able to keep. I thought I could change but, she went away to help her mother and while she was gone I started again. I qiut when she came back. She's gone for a couple of months again and when she comes back I'll have to quit again. It's to late to change the situation without a divorce. I'll miss dressing VERY much. I won't be able to check in here either.

I hope things go well for you. It sounds promising. Mine was adamant about having nothing to do with me if she caught me. I love her and will do what I have to do. I wish it could be different but it can't in my case.

[veronicagurl85]

I'm sry to hear that kayla. I hope things get better. Good luck

Vero

[Susan.]

She will be worried that you are gay. I would recommend that you talk about your crossdressing like it is only a fetish. That is a word wives can relate to. I do not know you at all, that may or may not be the way to go. They have a clear concept of a fetish, but crossdressing is pretty much a mystery to them. At least the details are. She will have all the usual questions. I do not recommend lying, but you need to explain to her what it is all about, preferably as soon as possible. Good Luck!

[Princess29]

That's awful Kayla. I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck.

[Mirani]

From your web site: "She isn't fully aware of this side of me just yet. We talked a little about it while we were first dating. She was afraid of me being gay as is the average interpretation about guys who enjoy dressing as girls "

So this has a history. I am not being judgemental .. I have had secrets in my past relationships through fear of what might happen. I am lucky that my new possible relationship starts with everything in the open.

However, I would endorse the comments about being honest now.
Are you going to show her your web site?

Good luck, It must be very diffficult right now. I hope she can learn to at least understand that this isnt a choice ... it is part of who you are.

[Ema1234 GG]

I told her that I would make it all go away and do whatever I needed to because she was the most important thing to me. I just know that this is something that doesn't just go away.


Do you really think that's the answer? It might be a short term fix but how is she going to react when she finds out that you've lied about it again to her.

Of course she's going to be mad, annoyed, angry, upset and probably more besides. I think many women are able to accept the dressing, but it's the lies that caues the most pain and heartache in the long run.

If I was in her situation, I sure would be mad as hell that my partner had shared this with other people but not me. Afterall, if she is your wife she is supposed to be the one person that knows everything about you and still loves you for it.

Ok well, fair does, what's done is done. However, from now on you need to be completely honest with her. And this is no longer all about you. Your dressing and all the associated activities that go with it might have to be toned down for a bit while she adjusts. If you have to make a few compromises in the long run it will work out better. Push her too hard now and she'll just resent you for it. Having said that though, don't just pretend it hasn't happened. If you don't talk about it, she may well build it up in her mind to be something far worse than it is.

Also, I'd also like to comment on your website. I know for many of you it's a big part of accepting yourself when you post pictures. But take time to consider this from your wifes point of view. How would she feel if she knew these pictures where on the internet for anyone to see?

[Emily Ann Brown]

Sis,

I am sooooo sorry it came to this. I seem to remember we had a talk about this what?...year and a half ago??? I seem to remember telling you then we ALL eventually get caught.

Well number one now (from experience) is NO MORE LIES. I will put you and your wife into my nightly prayers immediately hun. You know where I am if you need your big sister to vent to.

Emily Ann

[MarciManseau]

I agree that it's best to be honest, but before you go into more detail with her, I'd be prepared with a plan, and some facts about cders which I'm sure you can find online.

Also, you're very pretty as a woman, and I can tell from viewing your website that you put a lot of time and effort into it, so it's VERY much a part of you. I'm sure that your strong feminine side is part of what attracted her to you to begin with, so mention that.

And to begin with, I would NOT show her this site or your own website. Don't try and "flood" her with too much. Let her adjust to you being a girl gradually. If you find her accepting, then you can go into more detail as time goes on.

I don't agree with saying it's a fetish for you, because I doubt it is. I'm guessing it's really a large part of who you really are, and it will only get more intense as you get older, judging from all I've read and the hundreds of other t-girls I've talked to. Fetish implies that it's a sexual thing, and while I'm sure that ia a factor, for you I think it's more about expressing a large part of your true self.

I've gone thru a lot of the things you're going thru now, so feel free to email if you'd like more input.


Marci``:hugs:

[kim85]

Sorry to hear that your wife found out this way. By the sounds of it she is having a difficult time but as Ema said try to take it slow. Let her ask questions prepare your self for the possablity that there maybe tears,screaming but it may help her to understand. Also maybe consider conselling. If she wants to talk to someone without joining here i wouldnt mind giving you my email address in a pm you dont have to take me up on that but the offers there all the same.
I really hope this works out for you
Kim
xxx

[Becca]

The folks on this site have been giving you some very good advice, and I wouldn't change any of it. However, I would very strongly suggest that when you have talks (multiple) with your wife, that you go very slowly. Some of us are prone to overdo it once we begin to express ourselves, and even understanding spouses can get a little overwhelmed. Answer any questions fully, and make any points you want to make succinctly. Just take it a few chunks at a time.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi kayla

You will find a link in my signature which has some information which will help

Even if you do try to stop you need to tell her you dont know if you can


You need to be honest with her or it will only be worse later

Best wishes for the future

[TV Wannabe]

Good luck hun.

[MJ]

Please tell her from here on out...NO LIES....that you were scared ...explain you had to hid it your entire life...and it feels good she knows . You have to build up the trust ...I am sure she feels betrayed big time. And please do not say you will stop...do not make promises that you will not be able to keep

please no lies just the truth i know it will hurt but you must do this

Do you really think that's the answer? It might be a short term fix but how is she going to react when she finds out that you've lied about it again to her.

Of course she's going to be mad, annoyed, angry, upset and probably more besides. I think many women are able to accept the dressing, but it's the lies that cause the most pain and heartache in the long run.


Also, I'd also like to comment on your website. I know for many of you it's a big part of accepting yourself when you post pictures. But take time to consider this from your wifes point of view. How would she feel if she knew these pictures where on the Internet for anyone to see?[/QUOTE]

you need to go at her pace but be honest



Sis,

I am sooooo sorry it came to this. I seem to remember we had a talk about this what?...year and a half ago??? I seem to remember telling you then we ALL eventually get caught.
Well number one now (from experience) is NO MORE LIES. I will put you and your wife into my nightly prayers immediately Hun. You know where I am if you need your big sister to vent to.

Emily Ann

i too feel for you .. but as Emily as said we all get caught it's time for total truth between you both and i wish you both all the very best
i wish you well

[TiffanyTgirl]

Just hang in there. Things will eventually work out and hopefully in a calm manner, let her know that Kayla is a part of you that really has to be expressed. I am sure that you two will be fine with a little time.

[Nicole Erin]

At least she knows, you don't need to hide it 100%.
Of course spouses act differently case by case.

My wife was cool about it at first but later was not so nice about.
I explained it to her and she seemed to not have any real problems. I went thru the questions and answers as she wanted. In fact the night I told her, she wanted to meet Erin. We even ended up making love later that evening.

Just umm, do not make the same mistake I did - After it was all out, I had a tendency to dress all the time at home. She got tired of it and started being rude about it. So, I decided to pretty much shut her out of my "Erin" personna. I would go out a lot and not spend much time with her. She came to not like "Erin".

Yes ladies I know I messed up, I don't need a lecture for it.

All I can say is don't hide anything, include or exclude your wife of "Kayla" to her liking. You two will come to terms. It could be anything from "I do not want to see it" to "Let's go out as girlfriends this Saturday."

And be real careful who you introduce her to. A decent normal-life CD/TS would be good if you choose to intro. One of my CD friends who had just told his wife took her to a CD/TS group and the first one the wife met was someone who called herself "Sheena* the she-male dominatrix" :rolleyes: DISASTER!

*name changed to protect the guilty

[charlie]

Hello Kayla!
First off, let me tell you that I think your picture is a very pretty girly one! I have to say when I saw your post in the forum I had my stomach fall in a ball. Your post could end up being mine. I feel for you friend. Now that your CD is out do you think that something good can come of it? Would your wife ever let you dress in private still or will she require you to swear that you will toss all of your dresses away and never do it again? Unlike some of the posts here, I think most wives would simply not accept CD period. Let us know how you fare. Many of us are just waiting (and dreading) to be standing in your shoes.

["Mary"]

Hang in there Kayla.

[teresa jeen]

[QUOTE=Becca;1090289]The folks on this site have been giving you some very good advice, and I wouldn't change any of it. However, I would very strongly suggest that when you have talks (multiple) with your wife, that you go very slowly. Some of us are prone to overdo it once we begin to express ourselves, and even understanding spouses can get a little overwhelmed. Answer any questions fully, and make any points you want to make succinctly. Just take it a few chunks at a time.[/QUOTE Im with her on this one, it most likely would be helpful for you to show her some of your fem traits. the female species are more understanding and forgiving than males are. DUH... one reason most of us dress like we do is because of a strong female influence in our lives at some point in time.i feel one of the reasons we dress is that we want to display that wonderful feeling that (so snd so) gave us.

[Shelly67]

Oh dear , sorry you were discovered in this way ....
There really is only one route I think you could possibly consider ...
Honesty.
Ask youre wife if you can have a good , open , chat . Put the kettle on , make a hot drink , sit down and at first do this - listen . Try not to interupt.
As you learn her feelings and thoughts watch her , she may cry and become very confused .
If you can , tell her youre thoughts too , gently , keeping an eye on how she reacts - you really do,nt want to push her .
Nor should you force her to listen.
It,s our only excuse in life - honesty , so go slow , tel her how much she means to you , you love her , and explain that you,ve kept this part of youre life a deep broodind secret as you,ve feared this part of you would only possibly ruin what you consider a strong partnership.
go slowly , go gentle , and if communication is restored , then for goodness sake do,nt enforce her to see you dressed .
these are only my opinions , they worked for me , but , it was,nt easy .
Although my wife and I are lovers , friends girlfriends and feel more secure overall.
I wish you the very best of luck.

[Sallee]

That is to bad but it was bound to happen. NO LIES is the best bet If she divorces you well I am sorry but you have to do what is right for you. CDing isn't going to go away. Therapy may help and certainly not pressing her with dressing if she does learn to accept. I try to look at it from her view point Would I want her to dress like a guy with maybe a fake mustache. It would be tough on me but if she only did it once in awhile it might be kind of fun in a fetish sort of way Good luck

[Miss Petra]

Kayla,

I am sorry she found out this way and you did not tell her yourself. The latter could of been much easier on her. But its happened nothing can be done except time & patience on your part.

The wife has feelings of anger & betrayal at first but then comes a real sense of loss & mourning that a lot of CD's dont realize. Your wife has lost in her eyes a portion of her man and gained a portion of a female husband. So the sense of loss is strong & profound. My wife knows & tries to be supporting but she bounces back n forth like a yo-yo this is called the pendulum effect and is a natural occurence for the wife. She has known since our 4th date been with her for 16 years married for 8. It wasnt untill 17 months ago after I came to her and said I have to do this that we agreed on boundaries and terms with lots of hugs communication & listening.

With this said: You should read a book called "My husband wears my clothes" by Peggy Rudd

Do not bombard your wife with info & try & sell her on cding. Just let her know that She & family always comes first Kayla comes second & you will never do anything to compromise your vows you made before God. You will have plenty of time later to educate her. Let her know for now on you will always tell her what you are doing CD related. What you are buying
your websites passwords...everything. Most wives wont look but the reassurance that they can builds trust quickly. Ask permission for all CD related activities. If you are going to a hotel to dress tell her no more sneaking around. If she is leaving for a couple hours tell her you are going to dress. Being open is the way. Also consider counseling with a therapist familiar with gender related issues.

Oh and the link which changed my life is this place. I advise you to read every link everypage every word.

Sign up for the yahoo group & join the twice weekly voice chat with a group of very seasoned GG CD TS TG folks who have been there and have dealt with this for years. Some 20 plus years.

I wish you much hapiness now that you are out & that you & your wife can come to an understanding.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/across...rssecretgarden

http://cdsecretgarden.femmegetaway.com/

Hugz,

Petra

[Dixie Darling]

Kayla,

I've always said that there are those who have been caught and those who are GOING to be caught. Since you now fall into the first group, your next course of actions would be to make every attempt to educate your wife on what crossdressing is, but more importantly what it ISN'T. Communication is what you need now - LONG talks about the subject. She is probably like so many other GGs who, even though they've heard the word 'crossdresser' and have seen what they THINK are crossdressers on shows like Jerry Springer, they're really uneducated about what a crossdresser actually is. If it's possible to get her to sit down and have a look at the material on my website (http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd). It's a CLEAN site full of facts for her as well as you.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd


Kayla,

I am sorry she found out this way and you did not tell her yourself. The latter could of been much easier on her. But its happened nothing can be done except time & patience on your part.

The wife has feelings of anger & betrayal at first but then comes a real sense of loss & mourning that a lot of CD's dont realize. Your wife has lost in her eyes a portion of her man and gained a portion of a female husband. So the sense of loss is strong & profound. My wife knows & tries to be supporting but she bounces back n forth like a yo-yo this is called the pendulum effect and is a natural occurence for the wife. She has known since our 4th date been with her for 16 years married for 8. It wasnt untill 17 months ago after I came to her and said I have to do this that we agreed on boundaries and terms with lots of hugs communication & listening.

With this said: You should read a book called "My husband wears my clothes" by Peggy Rudd

Do not bombard your wife with info & try & sell her on cding. Just let her know that She & family always comes first Kayla comes second & you will never do anything to compromise your vows you made before God. You will have plenty of time later to educate her. Let her know for now on you will always tell her what you are doing CD related. What you are buying
your websites passwords...everything. Most wives wont look but the reassurance that they can builds trust quickly. Ask permission for all CD related activities. If you are going to a hotel to dress tell her no more sneaking around. If she is leaving for a couple hours tell her you are going to dress. Being open is the way. Also consider counseling with a therapist familiar with gender related issues.

Oh and the link which changed my life is this place. I advise you to read every link everypage every word.

Sign up for the yahoo group & join the twice weekly voice chat with a group of very seasoned GG CD TS TG folks who have been there and have dealt with this for years. Some 20 plus years.

I wish you much hapiness now that you are out & that you & your wife can come to an understanding.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/across...rssecretgarden

http://cdsecretgarden.femmegetaway.com/

Hugz,

Petra

[kaylagurl]

Thank you all for your concern and your replies. I am still not sure how to go about all of this yet. It is definately not a fetish or sexual thing for me but it is in fact a part of who I am and who I have always been. Lately, my wife has acted more normal, like it never happened. I do not know how to take that. I know that we both need to talk more about it all but I do not know how or when because I like things the way they are now, like they have always been....I'm afraid bringing it back up will cause more problems. I want to send her an email with links to educate her a little more on this subject that she can look at in her own timing and talk to me about it when she is ready.

[Billijo49504]

Kayla, Now don't you wish you had been open from the start!!! Remember to tell the truth, it's easier to remember what your story is. Be sure to tell your wife, even if you might be a little less of a man, for her, she now has a new gurlfriend. That is the way my wife looks at it. We love to go clothes and makeup shopping together....BJ

[ErikaLeigh]

Kayla, Dont push her with it. My wife just found out less than a year ago. Like Di said, tell her no more lies, and let HER ask the questions. My wife doesnt want to hear about my femme side, but we talk about it sometimes. Just let her take it at HER pace, and let her bring the subject up, and she will when shes ready... trust me.

[TiffanyTgirl]

Kayla, How are things working out? Still the don't ask don't tell policy? I hope things get worked out. Marriage is tough as it is and cd'ing can add to it. I hope you gain some level of acceptance.

[kim85]

i think the idea of email her the links would be a good idea then she can on her own read through and try to work out how she feels about it. Hope everything goes ok for you
Kim
xxx

[Jilmac]

Kayla, been there, done that, but my wife stayed with my until i lost her to breast cancer. Remember girl, unconditional love trumps everything else.
Luv, Jill

[TerriM]

When I told my wife over 25yrs ago she was shocked to say the least. We are still together. We have a good marriage. But I know that she will never accept my femme side. She wants nothing to do with it. I have used my key word of balance to keep my marriage going. Good luck.

Yours Terri

[flacindycd]

That is to bad but it was bound to happen. NO LIES is the best bet If she divorces you well I am sorry but you have to do what is right for you. CDing isn't going to go away. Therapy may help and certainly not pressing her with dressing if she does learn to accept. I try to look at it from her view point Would I want her to dress like a guy with maybe a fake mustache. It would be tough on me but if she only did it once in awhile it might be kind of fun in a fetish sort of way Good luck
wow!!!!!!!! i never thought of it that way..... my wife dressed as a guy with a mustache..........I dont know how I'd react honestly