I am (and not) screwed.

[Elizabeth Ann]

I don’t know how this will end. I suppose what I am looking for is whether any of you have had similar experiences, and how you dealt with it.

My CDing is a fairly recent phenomenon, and seemed to develop in the last few years along with several submission fantasies. Although there have been difficulties, I have not suffered many of the problems with my wife that are often chronicled here. She was surprised by my enthusiasm for panties, but appeared neutral to the practice. Her first acknowledgement of my going further came after a trip early this year when she said quietly, “I don’t want to find women’s clothes that are not mine when I am packing for a trip.” I moved my things to the basement.

But my wonderful and very reserved wife cares about my happiness, and has made an effort to deal with this in a positive manner. There has been some increased “attention” involving the panties. Ten days ago, she really surprised me while she was shopping for clothes at the Saturday Unitarian Church rummage sale. I made some reference to a sexy, sparkly, pink top, and she added it to her selections. To my surprised look, she whispered, “it’s not for me, it’s for you.” The next morning, she sent me down to make her breakfast in bed wearing nothing but the ****ty pink top. I responded with a week of increased hugs, backrubs and foot massages.

Only, I know her ambivalence about this. After 33 years, we have communication down pretty well. Hell, I have ambivalence about it. Intellectually, I am okay with it, but humans are social creatures, whose emotions are affected by the opinions of others. I feel some guilt and embarrassment, but mostly I feel my wife’s pain.

This Sunday morning, we start to make love like two normal, naked people, and to my horror, I cannot maintain an erection. We lay in each other’s arms for a while, not knowing what to say, eventually saying nothing and getting up for the day.

What do I do now? I can’t stand the thought of making my wife unhappy, but this stuff with my wife makes me ecstatic and guilt ridden, delirious and confused, erotic and embarrassed. Some of you must have gone through this, at least on a more generally conflicted basis.

Don’t suggest taking Viagra to treat the symptom. The problem is not physiological, as I confirmed the next day alone in the shower.

I suppose we are probably headed for therapy, but what do I say to her now? How do I say that “I love this, but it hurts too much to see you doing this just for me.” This woman means more to me than any other person on earth. How can I tell her that her act of kindness makes me feel even more guilty?

Elizabeth

[Julie York]

An interesting heartfelt post.

Guilt is a bugger isn't it?


I haven't got any magic solution but I can give you my take on it.
If you found that your partner had a thing about 'X' then because you love her and want to give her enjoyment, even if you didn't really understand it, you'd get enjoyment from knowing you were doing something that gave her pleasure. So tonight we do 'X' because you want to give her pleasure.

Similarly, if the roles were reversed, she might cook a curry for you and hate curry. She might cook a steak and be a vegetarian. Wear stockings and hate them etc etc.

Your inability to enjoy the 'X' in your case is because of your own lack of comfort regarding the subject. You feel embarrased. Guilty. Uncomfortable. And that's not the best way to get an erection.:eek:

It's your worry that she is worried that is causing you a problem.

Talk a bit more and then when you stop worrying that she is worried you'll see it as the treat it was meant to be.

[Daintre]

This is out of my league but, from what I can read here, there are two people who love each other deeply. To me the thing is that you are embarrassed, which can have a adverse effect on a man's performance. It may seem like a simple solution, but you mention counseling which is a good idea, but how about real communication, sitting down together and telling each other how you both really feel about your dressing.

In my case, at first my wife was wanting to see me dressed, I was so embarrassed I could not face her, so I can see where you may be coming from.

Good luck my friend, try the communication and see where it goes. Lastly a man in his 50's can suffer the occasional performance setback just as part of living.

[Nicole Erin]

At first my wife was cool with my CD'ing, and I had no problems intro'ing her to Erin at her request.

Anyways, I imagine if your wife had any real problems with you dressing, she would probably let you know.

You should not feel guilty.

[trannie T]

It is perfectly normal for a man to occasionally lose his ability to perform. It is anembarrassing, humiliating and frightening experience. The worst thing you can do is be too concerned about it. If it continues see your physician there are many remedies including the little blue pill. Quit feeling guilty, you are normal.

[WendyCD5]

You are very lucky! Your wife obviously cares about your happiness and has accepted your crossdressing and is even willing to participate! You have no reason to feel guilty. All you are doing is wearing clothes. You are not committing any crime.

As for your performance issue, don't worry about it. Worry will just make it worse! Try to relax and take life one day at a time. Make sure your wife knows that you love her and really appreciate her acceptance, and everything will be OK.

[teresa jeen]

it could have been from a stressful day, or a variety of things, high blood pressure, yadayada. dont feel that any one thing could be the problem it may be many. stress affects us in many more ways than we tend to believe. just because the act couldnt be performed doesnt mean that there is an underlying problem. heck ive had times that ive wanted too sooooooo badly but couldnt find the time to dooooo it. like most males we think of it most of the time, so a little lapse here and there shouldnt be a prob.

[Jamie'sGirl]

I know that all the CDers here are trying to be very supportive and blah blah blah, but there is a major reality about dressing becoming the only way a CDer can get turned on. It has been happening with me and my SO (JamieMTF) where he couldn't maintain an erection if it was just the two of us in bed, but as soon as he put my tights on, WHAM! he could complete the transaction. It really p***** me off, hurt me and caused me to reevaluate our relationship (which happens on a daily basis, but that's a different story). Anyway, he stopped dressing for a few days (so he says) and pretty soon we were able to make love "old fashioned style" So, my suggestion and advice to you is to not dress for a few days to stop the conditioned response that the only way you can get excited is while dressed.

Just my experience and my :2c:

[Elizabeth Ann]

I want to thank everyone for the responses I have received, especially Julie York, who I think hit the mark.

Julie, in the short time I have been reading this forum, yours is one of the voices I have come to respect for your well reasoned and dispassionate analysis. It is a pity you don't have a magic solution, but your message does help. I, and I think she, knows that we need to talk. It may help with my guilt, but I think part of me worries that the delicate equilibrium we have built is not stable and will fly apart on closer examination. Perhaps we would "rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of."

We will talk.

Jenni Y, thanks for telling me your story. Misery does, after all, love company.

Jamies's Girl, this is not a case of needing to dress for sex, as I never have done so and overwhelmingly prefer nakedness. I really think it is my own feelings of guilt, and shame at asking my wife to do something I think she would rather not do.

To everyone, I know how incredibly lucky I am in life. I have income, education and freedom better than 99% of the people on this planet. I have a long marriage and family that would be the envy of most of that remaining 1%. Still, I'm sitting here at the computer at 3 a.m. unable to sleep while she slumbers upstairs. She doesn't deserve this. I'm going to go put her head on my shoulder.

Good night everyone,
Elizabeth

[Joann0830]

We tend to create an emotional block between ourselves and our lovers, this is what happens when you tend to think about how you feel about a situation and dont stop thinking about it. You somehow have to try to let it go, Block it out at that moment and look at your lover as that you lover and try to use foreplay in the emotional area of stimulation. Sometimes fantasy will help you and you will get your mind off the problem and back on to the pleasure. I will send you a PM with some other things to try.:love:Joann

[Oddlee]

But my wonderful and very reserved wife cares about my happiness, and has made an effort to deal with this in a positive manner.

What do I do now? I can’t stand the thought of making my wife unhappy, but this stuff with my wife makes me ecstatic and guilt ridden, delirious and confused, erotic and embarrassed. Some of you must have gone through this, at least on a more generally conflicted basis.

I suppose we are probably headed for therapy, but what do I say to her now? How do I say that “I love this, but it hurts too much to see you doing this just for me.” This woman means more to me than any other person on earth. How can I tell her that her act of kindness makes me feel even more guilty?

Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

I think the statements I quoted above would make a great starting place; say them to her as well as to us. You say you have good communication; the vulnerability admitted in these statements should not be a problem. I think she will appreciate knowing that you are actively considering her needs and feelings through this exploration. You have great potential for increasing the intimacy of your relationship, if that is possible after 33 years.

Lee

[TxKimberly]

Well, there a whole slew of issues here. Guilt, worry, anxiety are all killers. Being preoccupied with these concerns and worried about things are killers. The nasty thing is it is like a feedback loop that feeds on itself. You have a problem so you worry about the problem. You worry about the problem so you have problem. You have . . . you get the point.
I can't speak for all men, but I'm pretty sure that this happens to the majority of us sooner or later. The trick here is to NOT dwell on it and try and let if go. I know, thats like saying you should try and ignore the fact that your head is on fire, but there you have it. If you ane your wife can laugh about it, you will be all right. If you go to bed giving each other concerned looks, your gonna be in trouble.
Also, don't laugh to hard or long about trying things like Viagra once or twice. If you wind up caught in the feedback loop I mentioned above, it can be useful for it's mental effects more than the physical. If it relieves the fear/worry/concern and gives you confidence, it's worth it to get you out of the loop.
I myself have never had this sort of problem <cough, cough, choke, choke> but I know someone, a friend of a friend. . . yeah, right. :-)