Ouch!

[TxKimberly]

Thanksgiving night we went to San Antonio to spend the holiday with my wife's aunt and uncle. These are good folks that have retired from the army and settled down about three hours south of us here in Texas. As it always does at some point or other, the conversation eventually came around to my wife's mother. She went through a divorce about a decade ago and it really tore up her life so she moved in with is for a while. It ended somewhat badly and more or less my wife asked her to leave. So anyway, while we were talking about my mother in law, my wife's Aunt sort of let a comment slip out.

"I don't believe a thing she says about you," said my wife's aunt.

Hmm . . . I'm a bit over 40 and these days I don't rattle easily, so I smiled and calmly asked her what my mother in law had told her about me.

"I'm not gonna say. Besides your too much a man for that and I don't believe a word of it."

I tried a little bit more but for some time she refused to elaborate, but at least two more times she referred to this, so it was clear she was either very concerned about it or fishing.
I waited until we had a moment with the children out of the room and then I pushed her for more info and at last she came out with it.

"She said you were a cross dresser. I don't believe it. Besides, who cares what you and your wife do in your own bedroom?"

I glanced at my wife, looking for some indication of how she would feel if I were to launch into a discussion about it, and I found her very slightly shaking her head "no". After 20 years of marriage, this glance back and forth was an entire conversation. I had asked my wife if it was all right for me to talk to them about it and my wife had asked me not to.
She never actually asked if I was or not, and given my wife's discomfort, I neither confirmed or denied it. My own warped sense of pride, integrity, and honor would not allow me to lie about it. Had she point blank asked me, I would have told her the truth.
Her aunts words "I don't care what you two do in your room" sort of bugs me. Now they have this vision of me like the rocky horror picture show, some guy in 9 inch heels and fishnets prancing around a room. It gives me the creeps that this is probably what they think a cross dresser is, what I am. I want to talk to them, tell them what it really is, what it really means to me, but my wife has asked me not to speak to them about it or explain it. I hate it but I will honor her wishes. When you have a wife that accepts this of you, you have to respect her wishes sometimes and put her comfort level above your own.
If you have read my story from one of my first blogs, you know cross dressing is so much more for me than the something "you two do in the bedroom" and I just hate it that this is the picture they are left with.
On the way home we talked about it and I agreed I would not discuss it unless I was specifically asked.

We had not even been aware my mother in law knew of this. We knew she couldn't possibly keep a secret like this and so we did not share it with her, nor had I gone out the entire year she lived with us, so I know she has not seen me. My best guess is she was snooping through our room and closet when we were out to work and she is putting two and two together.

Knowing that she has been telling people this has allowed another little piece of the puzzle to fall into place. A week ago my sister in law brought her two children over and stayed the night with us. At least half a dozen times she referred to me as "she" or "her". I had wondered if she had figured it out then. Knowing that her mother shared this with my wife's Aunt and Uncle, I think it's certain she has shared it with my wife's sister, and probably her entire family. I don't know if this has yet occured to my wife. My sister in law and her husband live in another small town in Texas. While very good people in my opinion, they are NOT the type to accept this sort of thing well. These are the type of folks that say "go get a rope" if they were to see a cross dresser.
The only feeling I have about all of this is sorrow for my poor wife. I am not ashamed of what I am and it doesn't bother me much if someone knows, but my wife has lost a good friend when her husband found out about me, and now her entire family almost certainly knows. Once again I have managed to hurt my wife, the lovely little girl that saved my life 20 years ago when she had the courage to say "I love you too". Once again, I've brought pain to the lovely woman that has given me two beautiful children, and two decades of love.
Most of the time I'm OK with it, but sometimes being TG really sucks . . .

[robyn1114]

I can totally understand how you feel. I love my wife dearly and couldn't live with myself if my transgenderism ever cost my wife her friends or family. I hope everything works out, but I fear the worst might still be coming.

[Samantha43]

Kimberly, That is an amazing story. Your heart is in the right place. It is very obvious that you love your wife, and that she loves you very much. I wish you both the best.

[MJ]

aww i am sorry i feel for you and your wonderful family .. :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

Word travels fast Kim, especially "dirt'. What was supposed to be confidential with my church elders leaked out and all of my former friends know about me. People are human after all and either "loose lips sink ships" or they put two and two together as you said.

This in no way fazed me however recently when I attended a memorial service for a relative there. I had every right to go and they could not stop me. Even though I was wearing a suit and tie, I know people were watching me for any apprehension of being there. I gave them no such satisfaction. Regardless of what we are wearing, we prove who we are by our actions, our principles and our dignity. The proof is in the pudding, my friend and no one but no one can argue with that.

[Genifer Teal]

Kimberly, I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is too bad it has to come at a time when we should be celebrating family and all we are thankful for. It bothers me too, when someone knows what I do, but only has their own vision of it. It is usually wrong, and makes this more difficult to accept. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. I just wish they had the correct facts first. Once I know someone knows, I'd have to talk to them about it. It would bother me greatly if I couldn't or wasn't allowed to. I don't envy your situation. Best wishes to you in handling it. I hope everything works out.

One statement I didn't understand. You wrote: "...but my wife has lost a good friend when her husband found out about me ..."

Hugs - Genfier

[Vivian Best]

Once again I have managed to hurt my wife, the lovely little girl that saved my life 20 years ago when she had the courage to say "I love you too". Once again, I've brought pain to the lovely woman that has given me two beautiful children, and two decades of love.
Most of the time I'm OK with it, but sometimes being TG really sucks . . .
Hi Kinberly,
I relate to what you are saying! My circumstances and reasons are different but the results are the same. I know things hurt her and at times, things suck!

[TxKimberly]

One statement I didn't understand. You wrote: "...but my wife has lost a good friend when her husband found out about me ..."

Genifer,

I suppose maybe that did appear a bit out of context. About 7 years ago my wife met a woman online that lived about an hour from us. Eventually they met and became pretty good friends. Sounds pretty standard unless you know just how hard it is for my wife to meet and become friends with people. Well, eventually my wife shared the fact that I was a crossdresser with her and she was real cool - didn't care at all. The bad news is, she eventually shared this with her husband and he freaked. Couldn't tolerate the idea, didn't want me near his home, his wife, or his 17 year old daughter that my wife and I had come to adore for her awesome sense of humor. Eventually this just made it too uncomfortable for the friendship to continue and they grew apart.

[AmberTG]

Ya, intolorance has some really crappy side effects!

[JenniferR771]

You are doing just fine. We are all proud of you. Perhaps they will have a little more respect and understanding of all crossdressers because of you.

They may be catty, but they can't hurt you or your wife, because you are not embarrassed to be your self.

Nine times out of 10 nobody will say anything--there is nothing they can say. They won't throw tomatoes.

Give your understanding wife a big hug--and give yourself a hug for taking her feelings into consideration.
Hugs,
Jennifer

[SherriePall]

Kim -- I was once told by a store owner that I had a problem. I was very, very tempted to reply that, no, she had the problem. Sometimes, while it is hard to do otherwise, we have to remember that our crossdressing is their problem, not ours. I know that is no consolation to you at this point, but I'm sure you and your wife will meet others to whom it is no problem either.

[MsJanessa]

Don't you just love the stress free times of the holidays? And being around all those lovely relatives---oh well you and your wife hang in there darling---I susptect like most things this will pass and a year from now you won't even be thinking about it.

[tommi]

Kim
I felt so sorry for you and your wife when I read this story.
You seem to be such a wonderful and out going person with such a loving wife , I hope this doesn't tear her up the way it would many.
I wish you and her the best and goodluck in dealing with her family.
:hugs:
Tommi

[Susan.]

Even here in West Texas, my tough "hang 'em" in-laws got used to the idea that their son is gay. I never thought that they would accept him but they did, though it is not a topic we talk about.

[Alice B]

It is a real shame when someone has to be hurtful because it makes them feel superior. Let your wife know how badly you feel about it and how much you love her. Maybe at some point you can be open to your in-laws. They seem understanding and the vengeful mother in law can be put in her rightful place.:hugs:

[Kim_Bitzflick]

Kimberly,

I know it is hard for your wife. I have a similar situation with my wife accepting and people knowing about me.

But I see it this way.

You have done soooooo much good for me and many others on this site just by BEING YOURSELF. If it wasn't for people like you on this site, I would never have realized that I'm not alone in this thing and that means a great deal to me. I won't go into details, but since I found this site and great girls like you, I know i have been changed for the better. I am no longer ashamed of who I am. I only keep it hidden for my wife & family's sake.

Thanks for all you do.

P.S. my wife just saw your avatar and said "thats a man??" clearly you pass without problem.

[Mary Morgan]

Kimberly, the depth of your love for your wife is clear and I'm certain she knows it by your actions. Don't be so hard on yourself, the fact that all of these relatives are still coming around, or having you in after the "big secret" has been unleashed means to me that they are curious but want to keep you all in their lives. I agree that the situation calls for you to honor your wife's wishes, and if asked directly, I would refer the questioner to her. Their curiousity is not worth the compromise of your relationship. Keep her first, and she'll do the same for you.

[Veronica53]

I guess this is a risk we all take, that doesn't make it any easier and I hope everything works out well in the end.

:love:Veronica

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah I have a younger sister in law who made a point to tell my wife's whole family about me.
Nothing ever came of it, no one ever asked about it. I think a couple of them told my wife "Well that is his business..." It didn't cause any problems with my wife and her family, no one was shocked or anything.

It is kinda funny really cause weith my in-laws, they are just there. I don't hate them, I don't love them. I am on their good side sure, but my dressing doesn't matter to them. Well alright, my snotty little sister in law thinks I am sick, but she hates everyone for some reason...

[Sally2005]

Kim, Make sure you tell your wife what you told us. About loving her for being strong in the face of all the crap you two have to deal with.

Also, I think you did the best thing by asking about the gossip. I doubt they have a bad image of you in your bedroom...its just an expression people use to say they don't want to know about your private life.

The best way to deal with gossip that I found is to not answer the question but instead ask more questions...like what exactly did she say?...I wonder why she would say something like that?...what if I was a crossdresser?...do you think maybe next time I see her I should wear a dress?...man, she sure holds a grudge, I wonder what other stories she'll come up with?... the person you are talking to then gives you more benefit of doubt and more information about how they feel.

I hope it works out okay...at least you can deal with what you know.

[TxKimberly]

Thanks for the support folks - most of you have opinions like my own about it. You know, when you take the risk, and play the game, I guess you need to be ready to deal with the consequences.
The part that bothers me is NOT that they know I'm a cross dresser. As I've said over and over I am not ashamed of this. What I dislike is thinking of the picture they may have of me in their minds, and with my wife's request, I can not give them the real picture, I can not tell them what it is really about. Sigh . . .
I'm not even mad at my mother in law. You can't get mad at a rattle snake for being a rattle snake - what would be the point? I knew she was a rattle snake and I brought her into my house where she could bite me. Silly Kim - shouldn't 'ought to play with snakes! :-)

[MsJanessa]

Actually Kim, I've been thinking about this---a lady needs to keep an air of mystery about herself and her lovers(include your wife in that group) a simple smile and "I wonder why she would say that" is all you need to do---let them wonder about the rest----aside for some idle gossip I doubt that they are going to do anything more. Above all don't deny, apologize or explain---just let them wonder what you do do in the bedroom and elsewhere---btw if you don't want those nine inch heels with fishnets send them up to Me--lol

[TxKimberly]

btw if you don't want those nine inch heels with fishnets send them up to Me--lol

Tsk Tsk, I never said I didn't like them. I said that wasn't the picture I wanted them to have of me! :devil:

[Mariah]

:( sad to hear.

keris

[windycissy]

The part that bothers me is NOT that they know I'm a cross dresser. As I've said over and over I am not ashamed of this. What I dislike is thinking of the picture they may have of me in their minds, and with my wife's request, I can not give them the real picture, I can not tell them what it is really about. Sigh . . .

Kim, it's her family, and if she doesn't want you to go there with them, consider yourself lucky that she loves you in spite of what they may think. And I wouldn't get hung up over what type of crossdresser they might imagine you to be: whether you wear stillettos or mary janes, they're still gonna think it's weird. Cissy

[Holly]

Kim, having had the blessing of meeting you face-to-face, all I can say, girlfriend is I am so sorry this has happened to you. You've met my wife. She shares many of the feelings you wife has when it comes to sharing this part of us with family. All of my side of the family have been told but none of my wife's family have been told, at her request. I don't know it this will make any sense, but for my wife, it's not so much the fact that I cross dress that she is concerned about her family knowing, it's the fact that my wife doesn't want to deal with the inevitable questions that arise when such a disclosure is made... doesn't make it any easier though, does it? I hope you wife and my wife have a chance to meet some time... sounds like they have a lot in common. Maybe she could become the friend she lost. Anyway, :hugs: to both of you!

[Sally24]

Her aunts words "I don't care what you two do in your room" sort of bugs me. Now they have this vision of me like the rocky horror picture show, some guy in 9 inch heels and fishnets prancing around a room. It gives me the creeps that this is probably what they think a cross dresser is, what I am..
I hear you sister! There are many people that Monty Python and Drag are the only exposures they have had to cross-dressing. When we tell anyone, I always make sure to have a few pictures available because otherwise the picture that comes into their mind is not a pretty one. Hopefully by being more visible (especially girls like you) we are helping to dispell these biases.


The only feeling I have about all of this is sorrow for my poor wife. I am not ashamed of what I am and it doesn't bother me much if someone knows, but my wife has lost a good friend when her husband found out about me, and now her entire family almost certainly knows. Once again, I've brought pain to the lovely woman that has given me two beautiful children, and two decades of love.
Most of the time I'm OK with it, but sometimes being TG really sucks . . .
You are not the source of the pain. If you were black would you blame yourself for causing the descrimination? I don't think so! These closed minded people are causing any pain she is experiencing. And people who sneak around in others homes, spying on them, should be quickly ousted and not welcomed ever again!!

[teresa jeen]

whats so bad is people tend to think that we are pedofiles or weirdos. the truth of the matter is lost on them. most of us are intelegent enough to understand that it would be harmful to let this be shown at too early of an age. not harmful but moire confusing. that people feel as though just because we feel better in better feeling clothing that we would in any way hurt our children...... i take offence to that.

[Samantha B L]

Hi Kim,I'm real sorry this had to happen to you right at the holidays. A lot of people have a strange idea of what a CD'r is. I don't mean to put down your relatives. I know that in their own way they're very nice people. But you really have to explain it very carefully about CD'ing to some people. then there is the additional problem of dirt and scuttlebut on the grapevine. But You never know what life brings. This could be all forgotten in 2 or 3 years.

[Suzy Harrison]

Hi Kim - Well I guess you're in a position where you can't defend yourself one way or another. Just leave things as they are and it will all fade away in time.

Relatives eh? - We found the perfect solution many years ago - Move halfway around the world and get away from them. Now they don't give us any problems at all. Ours are all in the UK and we are a in Aus - a perfect solution for us.
:hugs:

[flacindycd]

Its obvious that you two are in love. I am happy to hear you care so deeply for her.Thats what most people dont get, for the most part we are extremely gentl and loving people. As far as the family goes I have no answers hon, Sometimes the only answer is moving out of state and kind of starting life over,however it does have drawbacks...keep us informed I'd like to know the results.

big huggs,
flacindycd

[Raychel]

It is great that the both of you can work thru these times together. It sound to like her sister is trying to get you to come out to her. To confirm what her mother told her. Maybe she is just having a hard time believing it. I would definitly go on my wifes wishes about discussing this.

The other thing that makes me really sad is, you said that your wife lost a friend when her husband found out about you. It really saddens me to her people can be so shallow to overlook the real person inside. Who really cars about how you dress. You are still the same person.

:hugs:
Raychel

[TxKimberly]

. . . the only answer is moving out of state and kind of starting life over,however it does have drawbacks...
ROFL - that would be a bit extreme don't ya think? Besides, I learned a lesson about taking responsibility for your actions long ago when I was younger and dumber. It did not involve crossdressing so I wont bore y'all here with the details (though I may blog it), but the end result was that I now have the attitude that you shouldn't do things if you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions and the outcome.
In this case, it means I knew there were risks associated with crossdressing and I chose to continue anyway.
I knew there were risks with not hiding my clothes and shoes away in boxes.
I knew there were risks with taking a wounded rattle snake into my house to help nurse it back to health.
Well, when you take risks, sometimes you loose.
I don't intend to change anything in my life (as regards crossdressing). I like my life. I am not ashamed of who or what I am. Damned if I will run and hide.

[occdresser]

I definately have to comment on this. I agree with some people when they want so bad to out themselves to someone they know so badly-I sometimes feel the same. But it is for the best when they leave well enough alone and just let things be. I dont think I will ever tell anyone-if they find out by accident-so be it. good luck with your situation Kimberly. Oh by the way I think you look attractive as a girl:happy:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i hear you...

my ex knows..my mom knows...as of now thats it ....i dont like the impression they have of it...its certainly not what they think

i hope you and your family continue to work this all out

[Glenda58]

Kim I know how you feel about TG and the one you love. That's why I've stopped I can't hurt another woman that I love for something that I do by myself. If your wife loves you and is OK with crossdressing then keep doing what you like. If not think about what you could lose.

[kimmy p]

Hi Kim, my wife is very understanding about who and what I am, but she doesn't want my proclivities widely known either. It's what we do for those we could unintentionally hurt. Otherwise I would be getting closer to saying Heck with it, I'm tired of hiding my better half. Don't worry about family, we don't have the option of choosing them. By the way, you look so good that I bet the old bat would never recognize you and maybe even be jealous.

Hugs,

[Billijo49504]

Kim, As I know,cuz I also have a understanding wife, when she says no, she should be respected. Even though you want to set the record straight, she is right...BJ
ps respect her, she is much better than most wives, I know, mine is approving, too!!!

[Michellebej]

Kim,

You are obviously a very considerate person.

I think though that you are missing the point. You did not cause your Wife harm, your Wife's Mother did.

She is the one who invaded your privacy. She is the one who, with malice forethought, shared your personal information with the family in an obvious attempt to hurt both you and your wife.

Your Wife's Aunt and Uncle sound as though they are trying to tell you that they still love and support you ( just don't come to dinner dressed up, k?). Else they wouldn't have invited you to dinner in the first place.

Second, your sister in law. Can you place the times that she referred to you in the feminine? Were they sarcastic? Was the tone hurtful? Neutral? Or Chiding and friendly?

Sometimes when we expect negative reactions, that is all we perceive.

In other words, was she obliquely opening the door to dialogue, or was she slamming the door with sarcasm?

Good luck!

Michelle