my rant: (life as a closet case)

[Wynter Skye]

i just wanted to get a few things off my chest that I've never told anyone and I can't think of a better place to do it. This might be long so I'll apologize in advance.

When I was very young, I essentially had too much testosterone. (go figure)
This led to a variety of complex issues leading to my duality. I'm not a doctor so I'll put this in terms as I understood it. As a result of my excess testosterone, my body began overproducing estrogen resulting in the development of excess breast tissue or gynecomastia. By the time I was 12 I was a C cup. As you can imagine, this didn't go over too well in the lockerroom especially going to an all boy private school.

I dealt with this in two ways. One, I overcompensated my self esteem issues by overexerting my masculine energy by playing sports (football/lacrosse) and lifting weights. I guess I figured no one would dare say anything to a linebacker/fullback who would kick ass at the drop of a dime. (and they didn't). In addition, when I was about 10 (already a large B cup) I started wearing my sister's clothes. I thought it was amazing at how quickly I could go from being an awkward self concious "male" to a sexy "female" image. Fortunately with the gynecomastia combined with genetics and working out, when dressed I had a toned Coke bottle shape that was beautiful to look at only fueling my passion to dress as I'd always been straight.

Amidst getting caught on numerous occasions by my mother and sister, and taking out my frustrations on the field; I realized I had two completely different lives/personas. There was the person I truly was, who was not neccesarily feminine but expressed physically through a feminine image, the only time I could be comfortable just being who I was, and then there was the me that I felt everyone wanted/needed me to be including myself.

While I fantasized about moving away from my family and friends and starting a new life in California as a full time TS, I decided that life was unrealistic especially since I knew I wanted a heterosexual relationship and that dynamic would only be a road block. After many therapy sessions of avoiding my real issues, I decided to have a breast reduction surgery when I was 15. The surgery was succesful and I thought I was happy for maybe 6 months. Then I found myself going to extremes to afford myself opportunities to get dressed and to try not to let anyone find out. I found myself often times wishing I had not had the surgery.

Back to the hormones. As I'm sure many of you already know, overabundance of testosterone leads to one chief problem in men; baldness. I started thinning prematurely and again found myself with low self esteem as a male. As a female, I could wear a wig and once again be beautiful (though flat chested!:heehee:) Also as a teenager going through puberty, I had this overabundance of testosterone and crazy levels of HGH thanks to an overactive pituitary gland, which actually stunted my growth and helped to fill me out. So now, a short balding chubby teenage boy, I was a sexy, thick, curvy, "woman" of normal female height.

That's basically my story. Thanks to many curves life has thrown my way, I still live in the same city, I'm married with a child to a woman who thinks crossdressing is evil and an affront to womanhood, raising my son to be a "real man" while his daddy sneaks out on "business trips" to wear high heels wishing he still had breasts.

I just feel extremely trapped and I wish I could explain my situation to my wife, but either way, the two sides of me can't coexist. My masculine persona is not a compromise of two sides of me, its a calculated projection of how I want to be seen as a man. This persona has been around for more than half of my life now that I'm in my mid twenties and its just who I am as a man. I can only dress in private and I have to be so sneaky and sometimes I get hotel rooms just so I can get dressed and chill. If I want to go out, I have to go to another city to avoid being seen. Anyway, I'm just talking because I've been holding in my truth for sometime and I just felt like getting it out.

Thanks for bearing with me

peace

[Kate Simmons]

Many of us feel or have felt this way Skye. It seems in the binary system world, one "size" indeed does not fit all. In attempting to be individuals, we long to break free of the "collective" and all of it's programming. Even in the TG community, there is pressure to conform it seems. The problem is that many of us do not want to simply exchange one set of behaviors (male) for another (female) and we just want to be ourselves and that may put us somewhere in the middle which is considered "no man's land'.

Human genetics allows for a lot of diversity. Sad to say, humans themselves do not. They say it's not all biological but the assertion belies that claim. They say sex and gender are two different things but talk is cheap and the majority of thinking proves otherwise. It ALWAYS fails back to biological sex when it comes to expectations of how others should act and live their lives. Many of us refuse to comply and that is where the problems come in. It's a fine fight but a tough one and sometimes we just feel so alone. What is it worth to be ourselves? Only we can answer that.

Many of us have paid a hefty price for being an individual. I lost everything, my friends and family because I said "enough is enough". I had to find out who I was once and for all and what made me tick, anything else was no longer acceptable, What I found was that CDing was just the tip of the iceberg and it had more to do with my deep feelings, my character and just who I was as a person. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to find the truth.

As a result, I am no longer afraid or ashamed of my feelings or expressing them and am always the same person regardless of which "mode" I present in. The difference is, I realize I need both sets of feelings to honestly be myself and this realization has set me free. I don't recommend this to anyone unless they are truely ready and the cost may be high. The difference is knowing the difference and only each one of us can determine if we are ready. I made that leap of faith and have not been disappointed. The choice is ours it seems.:happy:

[Michelle 51]

Well Wynter at least on here your among friends who understand and like to listen .Thanks for sharing and it is a shame you have to leave town to dress.Hopefully things will improve over time Justabit

[TxKimberly]

Well, with the exception of the breast situation, your story is really very much like that of many others here. I didn't go the sports route to prove/reinforce my masculinity, I went a touch farther - I joined the US army at the age of 17 back in 1983 and spent 12 years active duty. What do you know - it didn't "cure" me. lol
Here is the only advice I can give you - accept yourself. I know, sounds silly, sounds like a cliche, but there it is. Once you can look yourself in the eyes and honestly think to yourself "I am NOT ashamed of who or what I am" then you will be shocked how much better you will feel. I used to be ashamed of it and even recall thinking that IF I were found out I'd have to suicide. Somewhere along the line though, I decided that I like who and what I am. There are men out there that beat their children, beat their wives, molest children, etc, etc. Me? I like to be pretty - where's the problem? :-)

[Holly]

Got to agree with my friend Kimberly. Happiness is not found in trying to be what you are not, it found in being what you are. If you are a cross dresser then be a cross dresser. If you are trans sexual then be trans sexual.Please don't waste your precious time wishing for what might have been; enjoy what IS.

[Karren H]

I do agree with Kims acessment.... Once I got over the hurdle that what I loved to do was nothing to be ashamed of then crossdressing became fun.. Something to look forward to.. Cherished... And I also have a wife that's not a big fan of my hobby...

The duality is something I really enjoy... Being able to shed one persona in favor of another one.. Neither better than the other... Just different... And I'm extremely happy no matter how I'm dressed...

Karren

[Genifer Teal]

Thanks for sharing your plight. This is not the first life story I've heard where someone had breast reduction then later wanted breasts. It is interesting that too much testosterone led to gynomasica. I hope you are able to sort out your feelings.


Genifer

[Wynter Skye]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Eventually I know I'll find my balance, once Wynter is as established as her male counterpart.

Thanks for the love!