I guess I want to be a hot guy AND a hot girl

[Raquel June]

I think I'm probably different than most of you. I don't get a lot of happiness from just sitting around in girls' clothes. I want to be an attractive girl, but I don't know to what degree that stems from identifying with female traits.

I never would've wanted to be a drag queen performing in front of people. I'm not the type. I never dreamed of standing up and singing. But after going to a few clubs and seeing some really hot CDs dancing around, now I really want to be like that. I want a great outfit, and I want to shake my butt in front of everyone.

But I really like being a guy, too. I like working out and being masculine. I sometimes feel pretty awkward and non-masculine, but I still aspire to it. I wish I had a better girl walk, and I also wish I had a better guy walk.

In a way I feel conflicted, but the strange thing is that when I go out I feel this sense of excitement and relief (which I'm sure is normal), but when I get back I'm actually more comfortable and more masculine feeling in guy mode. It's like there was something I couldn't express, but I finally did, and now I can be the guy I want to be because I've dealt with being the girl I want to be.

I guess I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

But I don't have wishes of becoming a girl. I don't want to get breast implants. I don't even want to shave my whole chest and legs, because I still want to be the masculine guy that the girls want when I'm in guy mode ... and seeing as I would prefer to have sex with women, I'm more concerned with what I look like to them with my clothes off than how low-cut a blouse I can wear as a girl.

It's kinda scary the way I can be in different worlds simultaneously. While I was browsing this forum, I was just IM'ing a girl I went out with for a couple months who is extremely into me being very masculine... And without getting into too much detail, the things she says about wanting me to come see her and pin her down would really make your toes curl, and I'm really into that. Just yesterday I got dinner with her and she hugged me goodbye and rubbed my chest and let out an exasperated sigh and said she missed my body. I don't want to not be that guy, but at the same time I'm thinking about how to be a better girl, too. It's crazy.

I think I may actually approach my masculinity in a feminine way, if that makes sense. I'm very aware of how I make girls feel, and the sexual experience becomes more about how I'm pushing her buttons, and I'm really kinda getting inside her head and being more aware of how she's feeling than I am myself. I'm really not trying to impress anybody here ... I'm just talking ... but I've dated four girls in the last year, and all of them go on and on about how great the sex was, but I just can't make the normal part of the relationship work. I can't fit into their lives. I've gotten more than a few booty calls, and it's actually really depressing that I'm more attached than the GG is and I'm the one who can't handle just sex with someone who couldn't take me seriously as someone they might want to marry at some point.

When I was little, I would always put on women's clothes whenever nobody was around (I didn't have a sister or many girls I hung around, so it wasn't often). When I was little -- and even up through almost high school, I think -- I would pray for God to turn me into a girl. I'm not sure what that was about, though. I don't really think I still want to be an actual girl. I think that might have had more to do with a pretty rough relationship with my dad and just feeling like he would treat me better and I wouldn't be miserable if I was a girl.

I guess I had some weird sexual experiences that I don't remember much of when I was little, and some weird sexual experiences that I remember a little too much of in college. I was in a weird 12-year relationship with a girl who was much older than me and told me I was unattractive quite a bit. We were engaged and didn't have sex for an entire year. Maybe I'm just really screwed up. I kinda feel like a girl could never be attracted to me the way I'm attracted to girls. Since I got out of the super-long-term terrible relationship I think I've been more than validated as far as knowing a decent number of women find me attractive... But I still feel like I have a huge self-esteem problem. I love being touched more than anything. I think I would rather have a girl run her hands all over me than actually have sex. Maybe I'm just an attention wh*re. I've gotten a few backrubs from gay guys that I really didn't mind, either.

I tried to kill myself with a bottle of pills once. I was on anti-depressants for awhile. I was in therapy for awhile. Nothing seems to really help except just trying to figure it out and pick a direction and get going and get it together on your own. I just need a direction.

Anyway, I just feel very strange. I guess I want to be a girl without being any less of a guy. Maybe I just want to be able to attract all the guys and all the girls. Maybe I just needed to talk about something I can't talk about with anybody.

So thanks for giving me a place to ramble on ;)

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

[QUOTE=racquel937;Anyway, I just feel very strange. I guess I want to be a girl without being any less of a guy. Maybe I just want to be able to attract all the guys and all the girls. Maybe I just needed to talk about something I can't talk about with anybody.

So thanks for giving me a place to ramble on ;)[/QUOTE]

By all means, ramble away! That was an interesting read. You and I are very similar in what we want and how we go about it.

Thank you for sharing!
Zara

[Kris]

I think I'm probably different than most of you. I don't get a lot of happiness from just sitting around in girls' clothes. But I really like being a guy, too.


I don't know you and I haven't read many of your posts but you sound like a typical cross dresser that is heterosexual. I think that you are a bit confused as to what you want because you have conflicting feelings of wanting to be a female and yet wanting to be a male.

I don't want to pretend for that a second I have any idea or clue to end your confusion but I can say that from a woman's perspective there are women who are attracted to cross dressers. Women who want a man who can be a girl at times, and also be a man in times that it is needed. You don't have to choose one or the other. Life is an entire array of choices, they aren't all this way or that way.. you can have them both together. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

It sounds like you haven't had a lot of healthy people in your life that have given you good feedback but you can do this for yourself ... get to know who you are and accept whatever you decide to be. A little of this, a little of that.. a pinch of this and a heap of that. That's what makes us unique and valuable as humans ... what makes each one of special.

Keep posting... this is the perfect place to get stuff off your chest....... (or out of your bra) :tongueout

Hugs,
Kris

[Kate Simmons]

It can be somewhat confusing until you get in touch with yourself. It took me a long time to realize that this was part of who I was as a person and that there was nothing "wrong' with me. Getting in touch with my feelings made all the difference and going with the flow of them is much easier than going against it. All of us, men and women are a mixture of masculine and feminine and it really boils down to just being people. The trick it seems is finding your own personal "mojo" and what works for you. Once you do that the sky is the limit and you can be anyone you want to be. It's a great feeling really.:happy:

[erickka]

Kris... It is always great having a GG point of view here. I fully agree with you on your whole thesis. I too am very happy snuggling up with my wife, and all her friends adore the male me. I have no plans to ever have SRS or anything like that. I love women too much, but darn it, I love wearing their clothes and shoes too! Like you said....just a typical hetero male.

[Strike]

Sounds like me about 2 years ago. But have just grown to accept it and live with it. Hope you can find something that you are comfortable with.

[CharleneCD]

Nothing wrong with how you are feeling and the questions you ask.

Like you I have trouble expressing my masculine side. since embacing the fem, I have been more comfortable with it. In fact right now in my life, I am taking the time to develop him.

[kaitlin]

Hello, I'm not going to tell you "I understand" We all are very different people, I do understand the mixed feelings that I have, and not being sure just what you do or don't want to give up or change in order to fit into this life style. It gets so tiring at times, built like a male, enjoy the male life....Feel and think like a female, enjoy the female life....It makes you want to scream. Kaitlin

[Violet]

Hi Raquel! It sounds like you are going through a lot of what my boyfriend is going through right now, based on what you said in your post and what my boyfriend has said to me. I agree with Kris's post (and from what I've read so far, I agree with a lot of what Kris says!). I will also say that there are GGs out there who, while not specifically looking for a relationship with a CDer, are willing to explore and figure things out with their partner because the CDing is not the most important part of their relationship together. The most important part is the relationship itself. And if it can be incorporated to the satisfaction of both parties, then heck! It's just one more fun dimension added! So, it is possible to find a relationship where CDing can be incorporated.


I tried to kill myself with a bottle of pills once. I was on anti-depressants for awhile. I was in therapy for awhile. Nothing seems to really help except just trying to figure it out and pick a direction and get going and get it together on your own. I just need a direction.

I will also mention that the above quote concerned me a little bit. Obviously if therapy isn't right for you, it isn't right, but I do hope you have someone to talk to if you ever feel suicidal again. I have personally found therapy to be very helpful in that regard, but I have also been going for about four years now, and I've learned that it sure as heck isn't a quick fix. Sometimes it's like ripping off a scab; you feel like you're bleeding again and why go through that? In the long run, though, it's benefited me tremendously.

Anyway, I'm certainly not trying to push you back into therapy, I just wanted to make sure that you have someone in your life you can talk to if you ever get that down again. And of course, the forum is here for you, too.

[kittypw GG]

Raquel,
Well I don't really see too much of a problem. You say you are confused but I say don't spend so much energy on the why. So you have these feelings of wanting to be a partime girl but loving yourself as a man. Why not accept this and just go with it?

I have to say that if I had a choice I would prefer my hubby to feel like you (minus the confusion). I want him to be a sexy man with all the hair. I also am ok with playing "dress-up". I just don't want it to consume my life or his.

There is nothing wrong with loving the man you are. You just have something extra :heehee:

I think you are closer than most to accepting yourself and living a healthy balanced life. I's important to not take yourself too seriously and to have your priorities straight. By all means be a great man but enjoy the times you have to be a girl. Nothing wrong with that if you have balance.

Take care and don't ever entertain those thoughts that you are of no value to anyone. Everyone has something to contribute to this crazy life. You have already impacted mine by writing these words and eliciting my reply. Take care and I am glad you have joined our community. :hugs: Kitty

[Stephenie S]

Dear Racquel,

I gotta agree with Kitty 100% on this one. I think she is spot on.

Just do it. Stop agonizing over it, and do what you want. Be the masculine guy who CAN fool around with women's clothes when you want. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that at all. You may feel like you are the only one, but there are hundreds and hundreds (really thousands) just like you. The only problem comes up when you feel guilty over this. It's NOTHING to feel guilty about. Wanting to wear women's clothes now and then does nothing to diminish your masculinity. It might even make you a better man.

Relax, dear, and for heaven's sake, stop agonizing over something as harmless as wearing women's clothes once in a while. It's really fun.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[CatAttack]

yea i thought about this too. i really enjoy being a guy but every once in a while i'd really love to be a girl. i dont know why. i dont think i'll ever get an actual sex change or take hormones, because i like being a guy; its great. sometimes i'd fantasize about having the sex change and being an actual girl but that feeling comes and goes

i think my happy medium is a face + body + mannerisms that can go both ways and switch off being a hot guy/girl whenever i want, but ive yet to achieve that.

[Eugenie]

From my experience what one feels like changes over time... As one gets older some priorities change, some expectations are different. As far as I am concerned the desire to be a woman has steadfastly been increasing over the years.

I'm not saying that this is what will happen to you or to any one else. My point is that you as well as every one else will chnage with regard to how they live through their x-dressing.

It might be fun if you keep a copy of your post to open it again ten years from now :D

I know that some of the texts I wrote thirty years ago look terrible to me now... I'm not rejecting any responsibility for them but it doesn't make me feel good at times...

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Raquel,
There is nothing wrong with loving the man you are. You just have something extra :heehee:

I think you are closer than most to accepting yourself and living a healthy balanced life. I's important to not take yourself too seriously and to have your priorities straight. By all means be a great man but enjoy the times you have to be a girl. Nothing wrong with that if you have balance.

Take care and don't ever entertain those thoughts that you are of no value to anyone. Everyone has something to contribute to this crazy life. You have already impacted mine by writing these words and eliciting my reply. Take care and I am glad you have joined our community. :hugs: Kitty


Yes, yes YES!!!!!

On the money!!!

(oh, and when I turn on the male side, I make a damned sexy pirate ;)

[docrobbysherry]

I am nearly twice your age. Altho I only started serious CDing about 7 years ago, I still am having some of the conflicts u r. However, I know I am a man first, and a CD, second.
I don't work out, (which my GG dates would probably appreciate), because I look too muscley as Sherry. So I'm getting flabby.
I can't decide if I would prefer sex with Sherry, or my latest date!

My point is this; don't worry so much. Enjoy your life's journey! Do what u feel like, and be with who u want to be with. In time, it will all become clear to u. Obviously the folks here r all syphathetic and with u!
RS

[Hali]

hey i feel the same i wat to be a hot guy for all the hot girls..and i want to be a hot babe for all the guys...sometimes i'll wish to be a hot babe then wen i see a hot chic that is s"traight" and can only date straight guys then all of a sudden i want to be a guy.

[Raquel June]

Thanks all of you so much. I don't really know what to say. You've made me really happy, though. It was kinda draining just writing about it the first time, though, so I'll wait a bit to post something meaningful.

:hugs:

[amandak_tv]

If I could offer you any insight in to how to resolve the conflict you're feeling, I'd be happy to, but the reality is, I share all of your frustrations and I've got none of it figured out. Maybe it'll help both of us to know that we're not alone in our struggles.

Keep your chin up, sister. :hugs:

[Strike]

This calls for a male to female cding to male forum LOL. Need a bit of help improving the bloke side myself. Hopefully should sort something.

[faltenrock]

Raquel,
Well I don't really see too much of a problem. You say you are confused but I say don't spend so much energy on the why. So you have these feelings of wanting to be a partime girl but loving yourself as a man. Why not accept this and just go with it?

I have to say that if I had a choice I would prefer my hubby to feel like you (minus the confusion). I want him to be a sexy man with all the hair. I also am ok with playing "dress-up". I just don't want it to consume my life or his.

There is nothing wrong with loving the man you are. You just have something extra :heehee:

I think you are closer than most to accepting yourself and living a healthy balanced life. I's important to not take yourself too seriously and to have your priorities straight. By all means be a great man but enjoy the times you have to be a girl. Nothing wrong with that if you have balance.

Take care and don't ever entertain those thoughts that you are of no value to anyone. Everyone has something to contribute to this crazy life. You have already impacted mine by writing these words and eliciting my reply. Take care and I am glad you have joined our community. :hugs: Kitty

I agree with that smart statement of Kitty, from the point of view of a GG

[Modesty Blaise]

I'm trying to work out how it all fits, I suppose if being a girly guy was more of an option in society we would naturally find our own balance while growing up. The difficulty is fitting into the images society gives us, though my concern currently is about changing the conditions under which my loved ones have got to know me.
I'm sure you have friends you would go to first but I'm also sure that anyone her would be willing to listen and help if ever you felt so down again and we happened to be online.
I know I posted it in your photo thread, but your new pics do look great!
Love
Modesty
:hugs:

[Debutante]

Yes, this would be heaven. But then we are all made differently.
I wish I could be a hot guy and hot girl with my wife. That would be wonderful. I don't see myself with guys, others may do.
Being a sexy and sultry femme is truly heaven...!

[Deborah]

I'd be happy being a GG :)

[Vaerise]

I always felt that the male and female roles is something our culture/society force upon us. I feel everyone regardless of their birth gender do possess both masculine and feminine traits, and some do wish to express/represent themselves as either or both.

We are all androgynous to a certain degree, it is our patriarchal society that tells us you can only be either male or female, those of us who can't conform to the standards feel at odd because sometimes we don't feel like we can fit in.


I went through depression for conflicting emotions similar to yours before, well not exactly..similar but still conflicting...

Don't think there is really a solution, perhaps just accept yourself and move on. As frustrating as it may be, sometimes our time and energy is better spent on happier moments.

[charlie]

Raquel,
I associate with most all that you say in your post. I like being a man and I look at CD as a way to be female when I want to. Dressing and running around in heels in public is really a rush. Unfortunately, I am not passable at all, so my forways are always to TG bars where I know I will be accepted. So I have the ability to be both when I want to. The confusing part is thinking like a girl when I am in my usual male mode. That can get confusing. Just today I had lunch with a great looking lady and found myself staring at how she did her eye makekup! I also found myself at a TG bar fully dressed in a short skirt, heels, wig and makeup staring at a cute GG that came into the place with her boyfriend. I surveyed the whole room and found myself in male mode staring at her. Those type of things are confusing.