I’m confused by my male persona

[Denise Barrett]

Hi family, :hugs:

I use to think that my male persona, Steve, was a roll I made up in order to conform to societies rules and expectations of who I was suppose to be. A separate persona with separate traits from Denise for sure, but thought even some of the traits were just an act. But now I’m confused.

I’ve started to live my life as Denise even though I conduct much of it out of my apartment and must dress accordingly. But inside, I’m Denise and slowing pushing my male persona to the far background threatening that, some night, I will smother him with a pillow and be done with it. But lately I’ve been confused, you see as Steve; I was alone a lot of the time. Some times for years at a time, but I was never “lonely”. Now, as Denise, I feel lonely all the time except on those rare occasions I get out to be with people as myself, Denise. How could that be? I never thought of the feeling of loneliness as either feminine or masculine, was I wrong?

Can anyone clarify?

With all my love, respect, and admiration for you all,:love:
Denise

[charllote34]

Hi Denise , if it helps you are not alone here , ive been in that place before of loneliness and havent felt like that since finding this site xxx

[Fab Karen]

It sounds like you've realized you want more balance- a bit less time just alone. & it's natural to want to hang out with other girls and/or to have an accepting, understanding partner. What you need to work on is realizing there's only one you, whether that person looks/acts femme. There are "masculine" aspects of you that shouldn't ( & possibly can't ) die, and if you study GG's, you'll notice most have both feminine & masculine parts to their persona: strength & softness, etc.

[kim85]

I think you could be sad about losing "steve" while you are becoming denise more after all most of your life you have been both but as you say in your own post he is disappearing. Its sounds to me as thought you could be grieving for him.
But thats just my view
Kim
xxx

[livy_m_b]

It may be that Steve is not aware of being lonely because it's a condition he's become used to and even resigned to, but when you're denise, you're expressing more of your personality and that more is less repressed than steve is, and so feels things that steve has shut out.

[jennifer41356]

maybe its because as a female you get all dolled up. wearing pretty clothes and looking pretty and you want the world to see the woman you are and there is no one to share that beauty with.......I enjoy doing things by myself as a woman, but sometimes it is nice to do things with others and be with others...I am lucky to have a good friend who is a tgirl and have some friends who enjoy my female side:hugs:

[Mona]

I know my male personna is loved and respected and appreciated, as Mona i want these things and don't have them (other than here) so the feeling of loneliness is stronger.
Hope this helps!

[Zee]

I do not have dual "personas" as it were. However, I do know what you are going through. With me, it isn't that I get lonely from time to time, it is that I wish I had fellow "ladies" to physically go out and do things with, have fun or just talk.

From time to time, I get a huge desire to go out, but I do not have anyone to share that with. Other times, I have no problem being alone. And yet other times, I take great joy in being with my family.

Mood swings are a wonderful curse. Until you know the deepest pit of despair will you know the utmost feeling of joy.

I wish I had a pearl of wisdom to share with you regarding your loneliness. I hope you feel better soon, it can't rain all the time.

[Denise Barrett]

Thank all of you for your responses and, as usual, you had very valid observations. Everything you said is probably quit correct. I only wish I had waited until tonight to post this, because on the way home, while at the grocery store, I may have figure out a big part of it. My male persona, Steve, my mask, had masks. I use to think that all the masking my male persona did was to protect me from being discovered. But now that I’m looking at Steve through Denise’s eyes, I’m beginning to discover a lot about what men have to do in life to protect themselves from appearing vulnerable, weak, soft, etc. Real men don’t cry, real men don’t feel loneliness, real men don’t show their softer side, and in order to accomplish this, some of them have to wear masks. So now that Steve is going, so are the masks, and as a result, I have nothing to mask my loneliness.

You know, our lives certainly aren’t the easiest because of who we are, but they sure are interesting. I wouldn’t trade one minute of Denise’s life for Steve’s ever again. Because, as many of you have said, we are truly blessed. I didn’t understand it before, because I couldn’t see both worlds, only Denise’s. Now that I’m becoming aware of what Steve had to do as a male, I do get to view both worlds; yes, I am truly blessed. But my true blessing, however, was finding this family.

Thank you all for you love and support, :hugs: because as I continue to grow, I’m going to need it.

With all my respect, love and admiration, :love:
Denise

[docrobbysherry]

I may have the exact opposite problem as u. I NEVER feel alone when Sherry is either here, or will soon appear. In fact, I WANT to keep her all to myself. She is becoming real competition for the GG's I date. Tho they r unaware of her.
I'm happy u r removing your masks, and becoming who u really r. I want to keep mine on, as long as possible
RS

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Denise. I struggled with this for awhile. Part of amalgamating myself was integrating ALL of my feelings and embracing them. I realized that being Rich was necessary for me to function. This is why I became Salandra. It encompasses both Rich and Ericka into one overall person so I am able to access the necessary aspects when needed. Same person, different appearance as needed.:happy:

[Patricia Danielle]

Where is this rule real men don't cry? Your human you have feeling and emotions some of us are just alot more open with them that others. Your feeling are going to get hurt from time to time and you can only keep you feelings botteled up for so long befor ya compleatly cave in so I say let your feelings and emotions show! I do and I don't worry about what other people think..Patricia..

[melissaK]

Hmmm. Nice thread Denise. I really identify with your comments. The concept that your male persona is a construct, a mask, of what you think the world wants to see and how the world expects you to be.

I came to realize that because of guilt/shame/fear about wanting to CD, I was controlling my own public behavior and only doing the male things I thought the world wanted to see and would accept. I subtracted out any traits that might be viewed as femine for fear they would lead to disovery of my true CD desires. That included suppressing displays of emotions. It sounds like you subtracted out a lot of emotions too.

I used the word subtract, and the better word would be "supress." At home as Denise, you don't have to "supress" the emotions. You can feel. As others have mentioned, its OK to feel. A male publicly displaying emotions is not going to mean the CD/TS police will be called.

We are not two people - we are just one person who is supressing the expression of who he/she really is in order to win approval and avoid rejection from others. If you supress emotions too long, you can have an anxiety driven breakdown, or depression. Some very knowledgeable therapists in our field have started calling this gender expression depravation anxiety disorder, GEDAD. http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Hugs,
'lissa

[Linda Daniels]

Denise

I've been kinda a shy girl here, but find oh so many things that we share. My BD is just the month b4 yours & while I currently live in Wa State, I spent many many years in the LA area...in fact I'm traveling there to visit in a week or so. Denise...we share so many of the same feelings. It would be nice to communicaate with U.

huggs

Linda

[jennifer41356]

go to your local Cd club a couple of times, thats what I did and I met 4 or 5 gals that I hung out with for a couple of years, some moved away but one is still my friend and we do a lot together.

I am usually off during the week so I do a lot of things in girl mode by myself which is fun..I have met a couple of gals from where I work and they know both sides of me and I have done things with them as a girl, one of them likes to go shopping with me, so we have fun....she is so cool and even her boyfriend has come with us and he treats my like a girl, so i guess I am lucky, but you look very pretty and I think you can pass in public, so get out there and meet some folks and all will work out

if not come to Dallas for a visit:D