Can some offer me some advice/help please

[Tigs]

Dear All,

I have very much enjoyed reading some of the posts on this forum. Everyone seems to be intellegent and genuinely nice people. I was wondering if I could bother you for some advice. I am not a transexual but my much loved boyfriend is the son of a successful MTF transexual. His father changed sex when he was 12 years old, after a 12 year marriage to his mother and a bitter divorce. His mother and father have a good relationship now though, sometimes it does seems a little strained especially when the past or my boyfriends childhood is brought up, and reguarly go out for dinner and the likes. My boyfriends father, Micheal is a pominent figure and was blackmails by an unknown source that they would reveal his true identity. Michael stood firm and was outted in the national newspapers, not before telling his wife and two sons (one of which is my boyfriend). My boyfriend had no control over who knew and I believe he was bullied although he says not that much.

His 'father' is a wonderful person and I get on extremly well with her. She has successfully continued with her life and is fully accepted as a women. She has long term relationships with men, and luckily being very well off has had all the surgery she required.

However ... and this is where I need your advice. My boyfriend has NEVER talked to anyone about all this. He seems unable to talk about the past, just shrugging it off when ever it comes up. He talks about his father in past tense - that is as Micheal and not Karen. It is clear he loves his father dearly and she clearly dotes on him but I get the feeling all is not right. He is very emotionally closed off, finds it hard to commit and has trust issues. He also likes to control every aspect of his life and is very defensive of every angle of his life. He also can not talk about his feelings - I know most men think and perhaps analyse things differently to women but he can't talk about his feelings in ANY situation. He doesn't get angry, his reactions are muted and it seems like part of him has been holed. I have mentioned counselling but he either tells me that he doesn't have a problem or if he does its so big he will have a nervous breakdown and be bothered with all that. Has anyone got any ideas/advice/experience that they can draw on to give me some advice? I would be so grateful :happy:

I don't think it is really appropriate that he talks to me as I have a relationship with both his parents - I believe he needs to talk to some totally unrelated. He is aware that I am writing this thread and would probably want to read your answers. I just want him to be happy and healthy.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Tigs

I would first like to welcome you here, and I'm sure we'll all try our best to be of help to you. I'm no expert, but I do think that I might know a little about what's going on.

I'm also a post-op, and I have three grown kids. My Navy son Chris is totally supportive of me, as a matter of fact he's also said how proud he is of me for doing what I've done. My daughter and my oldest son, however, are having problems with it, especially Eric. He wants to be blind about it and pretend it's not there, and the few times we get together (he lives out of state now), he has trouble even looking at me. His main problem with me, and I could sense it, was his fear of losing his Dad, so we talked and I assured him that would never happen because being Dad was something to important to me to ever let go of. He still has quite a way to go, but that did help, so perhaps your boyfriend has the same fears.

The thing with kids is that they have an image in their minds of how they see their parents, and something like this really does destroy that image, and that makes them afraid of what else down the line will shatter another comfort, plus they're angry that a parent would do that to them. Yes he does need to talk to someone about this, his father, and if he won't reach out to him then you have to try to get Karen to do it, because continued silence will just create more bitterness and pain.

Karen Starlene

[Tigs]

Thank you so much for replying Karen, I really appreciate your advice. I was wondering if your boy and girl ever felt that they had been labelled by your situation, as if they were living in your shadow. I know that my boyfriend, James, feels that if people know they will always see him as the 'son of Karen' and not as 'just James'.

Also, if I could possibly ask, how old were your children when you told them about who you really were? And do you feel that they have come through the whole experience pretty much 'scar free'?

Lastly I'd just like to say you should be damn proud of yourself - most people can't even say what they really want to say due to fear let alone take the steps that you have. You are so very brave! I think it is so sad when people are born into these situations but at least you had the courage to put things right and live the life you knew you were born to live. Well done you! I wish you every happiness.

Tigs x

[Kimberley]

Hi Tigs and welcome.

I am going to take a shot in the dark here so here goes. When any of us transitions there is a loss to family. It might be a parent, spouse, child or all. This loss is because the person they thought they knew is gone. It is no less shattering than a death and in many cases is considered as such.

I suspect your b/f is dealing (or not) with grief from the loss of a father. He was young and entering puberty when all this happened and no doubt it has left deep scars and probably deeper ones due to a nasty divorce.

If after all this time his opinions and emotions still havent changed, I would seriously consider that it is grief he is suffering.

Just for a balance to this, it is also worth noting that we also suffer this loss only on a much larger scale when family and friends turn their backs on us. The big difference is that we are already seeing a therapist so we can deal with the changes on a more timely basis.

I dont know if this is of any help. Hope so.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Tigs]

Thank You Kimberley - it is always difficult to know what is going on in someone elses head but hearing your stories and ideas give me some new ways of understanding.

Obviously I don't want to push my boyfriend. It has to be when he is ready. I had already asked his permission to write on this forum, he was fully aware of what I was doing. I believe trust to be of te upmost importance. However, when I told him that I had posted a thread he snapped at me and gave me the cold shoulder. He said he wanted me to drop it, to stop psychoanalysing him (which I pointed out was unfair as I have been very careful not to do that) and generally shut me out. As I am sure you can understand this is hurtful but I try to be as understanding and sympathetic as I can.

I am aware that Karen's best friend of years and years rejected her when she became Karen. It always strikes me as such a horribly hurtful thing to have to experience - like she hadn't been through enough!

I once made and awful faux pas ... My boyfriend James, asked me if I would ever marry a gay man. I said no as he could never love me the way I wanted to be loves as a wife. He gave me a 'death stare' and took this comment to be about his own parents. I felt seriously cut down by that look and will never forget it. Of course my answer had no relation to his parents ( His mother was married to Micheal for 12 years before they divorced and he later became karen) but I did wonder why he had never considered the possibiliy that if his father was a straight women teh marriage may have been different to what we know as 'normal'. Has anyone else left a marrage and how did they feel about their spouse?

Now I don't really know what to do - I don't want to upset my boyfriend but I don't want to drop it completely either. I respect his rights and that it is his life at the end of the day. However, I feel if I am going to have a future with him maybe I should be prepared as possible to support him if and when he needs it?

Much love

Tigs xxx

[GypsyKaren]

Thank you so much for replying Karen, I really appreciate your advice. I was wondering if your boy and girl ever felt that they had been labelled by your situation, as if they were living in your shadow. I know that my boyfriend, James, feels that if people know they will always see him as the 'son of Karen' and not as 'just James'.

Also, if I could possibly ask, how old were your children when you told them about who you really were? And do you feel that they have come through the whole experience pretty much 'scar free'?

Lastly I'd just like to say you should be damn proud of yourself - most people can't even say what they really want to say due to fear let alone take the steps that you have. You are so very brave! I think it is so sad when people are born into these situations but at least you had the courage to put things right and live the life you knew you were born to live. Well done you! I wish you every happiness.

Tigs x

My two kids who are still having problems with me have kept it a secret to those around them now,and I respect that decision. They're now 34, 33, and 28, and I told them a couple of years ago, I was in the closet still and hadn't come out to my current wife until about a year before. She's been totally supportive and we're closer than ever, she's krazykat here on the forum.

Are they scarred? I shouldn't think so, it's not like I came out as a mass murderer or something. Chris is totally cool with it, and I just stood up with him at his wedding this summer. I've done my best to allay their fears, but it's up to them now, not me. When I made the decision to have SRS I was willing to lose everything and everyone, that's how important it was to me, it was either that or cash in my chips, if you know what I mean. If they decide to not have me in their lives, I'll feel terrible about it, but I will move on and never look back. I did my best for them and they have good lives now, but now it's time to take care of me...and I appreciate your kind words, but I ain't nothing special, I just try is all.

Karen Starlene

[Tigs]

Lol .. no I imagine finding out one of your parents is a mass murderer is quite a different thing! I suppose the reason I asked is that intellectuising something as an adut is very different from understanding it as a teenage boy and I'm sure we can all remember how cruel the teenage years can be! I really apprecaite all your advice and obviously that you took the time to help me. I agree that the best thing for James to do is talk to his father. He has a really good relationship with her and that's the main thing. Just because your father has changed gender doesn't mean you've lost a parent and, from the advise I've been given it seems 'losing' that figure (whether an illusion or not) is where the pain and confusion can come from.

I suppose my main concern is after a bad divorce and then all the extras that came with that James might have developed some protection mechanism that perhaps aren't so productive. I also agree with you that no one should have to live in misery to keep other people happy. After all we are the ones that have to live with ourselves 24/7 and face the consequences of our decisions. It was really eye opening to hear how important this was to you.

My boyfriend is a highly intellegent and kind man (we are both student doctors ... interestingly I wanted to specialise in GRS before I even met him).

As for not being special ... you really are and I won't hear anything other than that ;) Do not under estimate your achievements and strength :) I know I don't know you but I can only imagine the courage you have and it is inspiring.

I wish you all the happiness in the world! I'll keep you posted on how things work out.

Thank you once again,

Love Tigs

[Cara Allen]

Telling your child at 12 years of age, as he is entering puberty, is not the best time to break the news.

I suspect that he has some level of psyhchosexual confusion as a result. This is not an insurmountable problem, but one that a qualified therapist can address. He will not go into meltdown by addressing his issues, but he will have less than a stellar life if he does not.

Tell him that he needs a carbureator adjustment for peak performance. He is wasting horsepower dwelling on stuff that will not go away, but clutter up his life unnecessarily.

HE sounds like a great guy, and he is lucky to have you, too!

[Tigs]

Thanks Cara! What a sweet things to say and yes I shall be sure to remind him how lucky he is!

Over the last few days I have managed to talk to him about some of this. He still remains emotional unavailable at times and I am careful not to push him or hound him with questions in case he shuts down further. At least I have had a chance to explain to him how his behaviour affects our relationship. How he decides to deal with his life is his decision and I respect that but he has to respect that when it starts to affect me I have the right to speak up.

He is a wonderful guy, a truely remarkable man and I love him very much. If he tells me that he's fine with everything then I trust him and believe him but he also knows that I am here and would gently encourage him to talk it through with someone.

His father is another wonderful person and I know that both his parents would be there for him is he ever needed anything. Some people aren't so lucky. All in all I think I am going to leave it for a little bit now. I don't want to push him away and he has listened to what I have to say. I suppose the danger is I am worrying about what 'might' be going on and maybe listen to other people telling me 'how messed up he must be'. Sometimes even the best natured actions can be a pain in the backside, we all panic once in a while.

As for the time of breaking the news, yes I agree it wasn't the best thought out plan of action but so is life eh? I'm sure Karen had got to breaking point and I don't think anyone would have asked her to suffer more than she already had.

Thanks you for you kind words - I've let him know that I am there for him, the rest is up to him now.

Much love gorgeous

Tigs

[Kimberley]

Sounds like you are on the right path. Easy does it. This is a talk that if you are lucky will last the rest of your life so dont rush anything.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Katie Ashe]

Welcome. Repressed feeling are simply a way for people to deal with things, sometimes they don't understand. He loves his dad/mom unconditionaly, it shows. It is more tramatizing for the children, than the TS parent, well sometimes... He may never open up, making it hard for him to have relationships, friends, or even self respect. Reassure him your there to listen and be open minded, and his feelings are important to you. Allow your self to be his shoulder to cry on. You seem like a nice person, just be yourself. Although they say time heels all wounds, scares will remain. Those scares are reminders of thing not so great. Our way of life is never pleasnat at first and could kill us, Nice persons like you, are what save some of us. :hugs: