I am so tired

[Sarahgurl371]

I guess I need to vent a bit. I am so friggin tired of all this. It never stops and I cannot ever find a peaceful minute. I cannot make it stop.

It is all consuming and I cannot even be sure what it is. My therapsit thinks its gender dysphoria, transgenderism, probable transsexualism. All I know is that its there, and it won't stop. I have read a ton of books, talked to some other people who at least have come to an understanding with themselves, and I cannot make any sense of this. I am not nuts and have more self control than alot of people according to my therapist. His opinion is important to me, but I don't want to believe it.

I want this to go away. Then I don't. I want to meet other people and explore this, but I won't. Just tonight I had an offer to meet someone local and I choked. FEAR! I want to go to a support group, but I cannot allow myself. What will it mean for my life?

I do not trust myself. What if I am bullshitting myself? I don't think I am, but how can I be sure?

So I come on this site tonight, hoping that someone will write something that I can identify with, to help me gain some insight. And I start reading all the same things I have read for years. Then I think "I don't want to sit here and read this again." This isn't helping. I am not mocking or belittling this site, it was in the past a tremendous help.

I feel so lost, confused, alone, depressed. I have withdrawn from any semblence of a "normal" life. I need help. But when it is offered I won't take it. I hate myself for not being able to control it. Or at least control my response to it. This stuff is not supposed to happen to me. I am fine with it happening to others, fine with how they decide to handle it. But not me.

Why can't I get past this point? It seems that there is nothing else about me. I know I am more than this, but it seems to be the only thing I can see. I just want to be a girl. That is all I can say about it. I don't know why. I don't know if I am, or if I should.

This stuff has caused me to question everything in life. Even belief in God. Mostly that. It is the common link or thread. To everything about myself. My personality, my politics, my political correctness. Yet I cannot seem to find a way to deal with it. Will embracing it, following it, transitioning make me feel better? How can I expect that it would? Just having it makes me feel so bad most of the time. Will trying again to purge it all, to combat every thought about help. Then I don't want it to go away. I look forward to it, but won't allow it.

I am tired of whining about it. Of feeling so needy because of it. Of feeling like I am asking for pitty. Of trying to justify my existence. To myself. And others in a closeted way.

I have never been a risk taker. Everything is calculated, risks identified, rewards tabulated, before taking a step. I wonder why? It would be so easy to look back upon my life at this point, with the knowledge I possess, and relate everything to transgenderism. So easy that I fight that impulse.

I don't know what i hope to get out of this thread. Maybe just writing it will help.

[GypsyKaren]

Tammy, we've been friends for a long time now, and I hope by now that you know that I love you, but you may not like what I'm going to say. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it, and I mean right now. If you're looking for an easy answer, well guess what, there's no such thing. You're stuck on the fence and have been for years, and now it's time to pick a direction and go with it. Easier said than done, but so is everything in life. Sometimes there isn't any order to things, no wrapped up packages to keep things neat, so what you have to do is take a leap of faith and keep scratching and kicking so you land on your feet. I've always felt that things that come easy aren't worth having, you have to work at it all the time. Leap of faith Tammy, you've got to do it.

Karen Starlene

[Kimberley]

Tammy I agree with Karen. Like her, you arent going to like this either. You are making yourself into a victim and that is something you are not. You are transgendered. YES, it is a big deal but we dont have to make it that way. None of us do, but all too often we do make it a big deal; and we struggle and question, and get down on ourselves, then on others.

Hon, you are smart, honest, caring and a host of other very positive things that far outweigh your being TG. Those are the things WE see. There are people who DO care and they care one hell of a lot more than you know.

Go to a support group meeting. Meet someone local and have a coffee together. Just quit beating yourself up. It takes up way too much energy. I speak first hand on that and I doubt anyone who has come to self acceptance will disagree with me because we have all been there.

Now come over here and get a big kiss and a hug.:love:
Kimberley

[AmberTG]

You are wrapped up in the fear that if you actually take a step toward your true self, (and you do know your true self inside, don't you) that you will never come back to the "male side".
I say this in all seriousness now! You must trust the Force! The all encompassing Force that surrounds us all, the Force of God, is showing you the way to your true self, and yet, you still fight it tooth and nail because of your fear.
Go to a meeting with someone else who is transgendered, go in drab, sit and have coffee and talk. Find someone who you can talk to about this, don't keep it all inside you, it's self distructive! I did this exact thing for 50 years, hiding from my true self, being miserable and withdrawn. I went to my therapist for my depression, and this "baggage" all came pouring out of me. It was not easy for me, but it was so worth it! If I'm never able to transition completely, I'm OK with that, because I am now my true self, maybe not physically, but in my own mind. I am no longer conflicted.

[Sharon]

Along with the words of love and advice posted above, I want to tell you it's time to stop reading the books now. Like you, I also needed to know everything there was to know about this, but there comes a time when you need to figure it out yourself. After all, only you can write your own story, and in many ways, I am sure, your story is unique, just as we all are.

Calm down, Sweetie. Catch your breath, try to deal with other things as much as you can for a while, and just try to approach this as if you are reading it in one of those books. What would you advise the person who wrote your post?

This is a crap life sometimes -- the heavy and, possibly, life altering decisions we need to make, when there are all those what ifs out there ready to pounce on us the moment we make a decision. Life itself is a risk, and it has occured to me the past few years that the biggest risk to myself was to try to avoid risks. It sometimes seems that for every positive decision we make, that there are two negative things that pop up. It sadly comes down to putting a value to these risks, both positive and negative. Can you live with the one if you choose the other? Can you continue to risk nothing? That itself is the biggest risk.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Ericka2]

In different circumstances but is exactly the same feeling, wondering why would such a God of love would create me, never mind what others think but how do you see yourself when you all dressed up and looking astonishly beutifull and then it hits you, is just a mirage, you are a man!! yeah i also need to seek help, but how can i bring my self to it? knowing that is just a dream that somehow is in me.


Love, Ericka

[AmberTG]

Just one more comment, a waking dream is a very powerful indicator of who you are inside yourself, never discount that dream. A dream is not a fantasy, it's a possible reality. As Sharon said, nothing in life is without risk.
Ericka2, like you I never thought I could be a woman, after all, wasn't I born a man? I have found that the physical part of me is just a part of who I am, only the carrier of my life force in this reality, it doesn't describe who I really am. I am more then the sum of my physical parts.

[Joann0830]

Tammy We all Love you and everything everyone has told you above is to prove that, and also those words that come from them are the same words that they also live by. I am 59 and my life has changed in so many ways but
what I can share is the same as what we all have experienced and that is from a young age, when we noticed we were different, Mine was 5 and I am still dealing with it, and Love who I REALLY AM I have always said that what has happened to me is gods way of teaching me about different people and their struggles and also that it has made me better in understanding not only myself but others in their feelings. I have used mine in life, in my job in law enforcement and my studies. Between the books you are reading and your therapists you are being over whelmed and need to step back and accept who you are and as many have said before dont listen to others in what they think about you and me and all of us here. I always remembered that "old Saying" empty barrels make the most noise. Its true as no person other then you or the other Ladies here or myself really know really who we are and that is Loving, Caring, wanting, and especially accepting people. The magic word is accepting not only who we are but all those others who are on this site, who are strangers but again Loving and caring people, who worry about a
Sister (YOU) who they never met, would accept you anyday and will be there for you. This is all what I have learned from being the REAL ME. :love::love::heehee::heehee: Joann 0830

[Kate Simmons]

Self acceptance is the toughest part of being TG. I used to waffle about it all the time. When it comes right down to it, we are who we are. Successful people accept that and work with that and any resources available. It's called being human and regardless of the situation we find ourselves in, there is no escaping that fact.

Life is what we make of it really but I've found that not taking myself that seriously helps. I'm just a person after all and cannot be any more or less. From that line of reasoning, I've decided to be the best person I can possibly be and that, in itself, gives me satisfaction. Being true to myself makes all the difference. Anything else just plain does not work for me. The choice is ours it seems.:happy:

[MarieTS]

Girls, maybe I'm misreading your intent, but I think only Joan and maybe Sharon came close to helping Tammy. Yes, you've ALL identified the problem. But she already knows what the problem is. What she needs are some steps, some strategies, on just HOW to deal with it--beginning at a very low level and progressing up to where she feels more confident presenting as the woman she is.
Try to remember your initial fears and the basic steps you took as an individual to overcome them. In addition to your rapport and understanding which you all so passionalely provided, I think the steps, the confidence builders, are what she is really asking for. Am I wrong, Tammy?

[Sarahgurl371]

Thank you all for your concern. I do appreciate it. And yes, I need to know the steps. How do you accept yourself? How did you do it? Everything I have tried has not worked. I am just stuck in the same place day after day.

[Marla S]

And yes, I need to know the steps. How do you accept yourself? How did you do it? Everything I have tried has not worked. I am just stuck in the same place day after day.

I don't know what you have tried, but what I read from your first post it seems like you make experiences predominately by anticipation ... more in theoretical way.
This is not bad per se, but it's not enough. If anticipation is the main strategy to approach things, the more if anticipating the worse, it will lead to self-fulfilling prophecies, meaning if you try something it won't work because you expect it not to work.
What is needed IMO is a different way of thinking a change in perspective, a way that you will get by real life and new experiences only. The human brain learns by experiences and practice and not by theory. With your current approach you seem to practice and experience helplessness, bad experiences and confidence eaters.
You need to get a different approach. It's a long learning path, one that requires baby steps and self-observations. Self-observation in a way that you get able to see positive aspects that are covered by diffuse fears right now.
It's difficult to start if you are moody, but if your mood is good, you maybe try to preserve and enjoy that good mood passively.
But good mood is the time to do something, to do something new, and to learn, it's time for action and self-observation.
Make a baby step then, something you normally wouldn't do, but which requires a little push only to be done. Then learn from it, you will get a tiny portion of confidence, one that is enough to make the next step and one that you should preserve in your mind for "bad times". During "bad times" you will know that it did work and you will have the confidence that it will work again.
Like already said it's along learning path, because you have to unlearn old habits and experience life from a different perspective. That is not done overnight, but it works.

[GypsyKaren]

Thank you all for your concern. I do appreciate it. And yes, I need to know the steps. How do you accept yourself? How did you do it? Everything I have tried has not worked. I am just stuck in the same place day after day.

How do you accept yourself? By allowing yourself to do it, that's what I did. I would never consider such a thing because I thought that I didn't deserve it, that there was obviously something wrong with me so I had to be a bad person. So one night I sat down and went over all of the wrong things I had done in my life, and then I allowed myself to see all of the good that I had done, and much to my surprise that list was a lot longer than the first. We tend to overlook the good we do because we get so wrapped up in the bad, it's an easy enough trap to fall into.

Tammy, we've known each other for quite some time now, and I can see that you are a good person with a kind heart, you just need to start directing some of that kindness towards yourself.

Karen Starlene

[AmberTG]

Tammy, you cannot change who you are, but you can learn to live with it. Start by telling yourself that this is not your fault, you didn't ask for this, you were born with it. You are not a bad person or a "monster" you are just a person who was born with something that you can't change. You must tell yourself that every day, ten times a day, if necessary. You must first rid yourself of the guilt you feel for something that's not your fault.
Then you'll be able to move on to some kind of acceptance of yourself. Remember, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

[Kate Simmons]

I have to agree with Karen and Marla. We used to have a saying where I worked. When we had a particular difficult problem to solve and something had never been tried, we said: "Well, let's do something, even if it's wrong." We learn by doing and experiencing. In this case, we learn about ourselves, who we are as people and what we are capable of. After awhile, turns out we aren't so bad after all. All it takes sometimes is a little faith and courage. Of course no one gets there "overnight" but we have to start somewhere.:happy:

[Cara Allen]

There is so much we all have in common. I can relate to every single word you have said. By now, for you, it should be patently obvious that waiting it out is not a solution. I am 57. While I have not been waiting it out, I can testify that my desire has only grown, age has no impact.

My therapist says that this is the only supposed "Psychological/emotional condition" that is completely satisfiable by medical intervention, which knocks it out of the box as a psychological disorder. He says that every girl that has met the HBSC and has gone on to RLT and SRS goes on to live a happy life. The condition goes away! That does not mean that you might not have other issues to address, but that the gender problem disappears after SRS and/or HRT, depending on individual needs.

Very calming advice. It sounds like you are shadow boxing, dear. There is nothing there but you. While HBS (GID if you prefer) is not a destructive psychological disorder in itself, denial is, and it will ruin your life. Why not try accepting for a while? Just for a while, try that as an option.

Pray for God to give you the strength to accept the things that you cannot change?

I often question why, if I am delusional, etc. I ask myself, straight up, if it were easy, if society accepted transgenderds, would I make the change. If everyone I knew was accepting, would I be happier as female? I always, always say yes. It effect, I would without question, prefer myself as female. If that is the answer, then it is not me. It is society that is the problem with me. Harry Benjamin Syndrome is not my problem, short of the issue that I need to accept my situation and figure out what I do next. HBS just is what I am. The things that result from HBS are what is making you hurt, hon. When these other things are addressed, all that is left is you with a decision to make.

Imagine how rich your life would be if you accept, and correct this? There are always stumbling blocks, but they are surmountable. So many others have transitioned, it is demonstrably an effective solution which you may choose.

For me, it has been an internal monolog that goes on and on without end, decade after decade, all because any question that has nothing to do with accepting is not a valid question. Garbage in, Garbage out. If you don't ask a relevant question, you won't get a relevant answer. I have been contemplating my belly button my entire life, and it is still a belly button, and it is still there. Now that I have decided for myself, I have broken through the roadblock and I am making huge progress in personal growth again.

Not "Should I believe," or "Am I wrong?" or "Am I crazy?" or "Is this really me?" but "Why can't I accept myself? I have a lifetime of evidence. Why am I denying who I am?" The answer, for me, was that accepting makes me something other than society wants me to be.. Something very unusual and still unknown by societal standards. Unusual and unknown is not enough reason to ruin my life.

Knowing that makes it easier to get going again.

[Maggie Kay]

You can tell from my posts that I have been bouncing off the walls over these things as well. I am also about as bound up too. However, I got desperate enough that contacting a physical human was less painful than my life. I went to a TG support group. I had a wonderful time and the most amazing thing was to be in the presence of real transwomen who were just like me. I can't go back to that group because of reasons not related to the group but the rather the host. Otherwise, I would be there! Instead, I'm going to a new therapist and now have an appt in Jan to get a legit HRT prescription. Take the plunge and go. There is nothing like being with accepting and understanding people. I had no idea it could be so liberating!

[Sarahgurl371]

Again thank you all. You have offered some valid points. Karen, thanks for telling me to be kind to myself.

I guess part of me feels like I am quitting or giving in by accepting it. I was taught all my life to "never quit." So I just never quit fighting this, because that is what I did when it showed up and I was made to believe/feel it was wrong. I guess by my parents actions, even though they have always said it is okay to be whatever you are. Seems funny to say it that way, but their actions, or looks of disapproval, indicated in no uncertain terms that this was not okay. I know that I am an adult and quite capable of deciding things for myself, but... that one is so ingrained into who I am. Never quit.

Amber, you say to accept that it is not my fault. I wish I could believe that. I have no problem believing that this condition exists, and is quite "normal" for some people. I for some reason have just always assumed that for me, it isn't. For me, there is some perverse reason behind it all. I guess maybe from some of the things in my childhood. But I certainlly don't want to blame anyone else for my troubles. I guess I still look at the whole thing as being wrong, and therefore need to find someone or something to "blame" for it. And not wanting to blame others for my situation, I just blame myself.

I will have to try and think about it differently.

Thank you all again. You could not know how nice it is to have logged on this evening and to see some kind words.

[Sejd]

tammycd
everything which has been said so far on this thread is good advice. We all have different ways to deal with this part of ourselves. Some of us are capable of transitioning completely, and some are not. We all have to confront the question that you seem to face. How are we going to deal with it? Is it a curse or is it a blessing? I sometimes have broken down and felt it as a curse, but I also know that it is up to me to accept myself, to love myself and to make it, to live it as a blessing. I have experienced some of the very disturbing fall outs which comes in to your life when you live it openly and in truth, but somehow, it has all been worth it. My life partner who I thought I had lost in the process, has slowly come around and has decided to love me the way I am. Skirts, make up and all. My kids still have some issues around it, but generally supports me. Really, it has a lot to do about how we stand tall on our convictions, how we live as TS people and how we embrace ourselves with gentleness and compassion. I wish you all the best. Keep you head high!
hugs
Sejd:hugs:

[AmberTG]

Tammy, how could something you were born with be your fault? It was in you when you were born, a subtle difference in the structure of the brain due to unknown causes while developing in the womb. It may not have shown up early in life, but it was there. I personally had no indication that I can point to that I had an issue with my gender until I was 10 or 11, and even then, it wasn't very noticable by me until the middle of my teen years. It's fairly normal for trans people to not have any indication until adulthood. Late onset may be more common then early onset.
Even if your TG issues were caused by something in your childhood, which I highly doubt, it would still not be your fault. This happened to you, not because of you.

[GypsyKaren]

I think the biggest problem we all face is that we're our own worse enemy, we see a hammer on the table and can't help from picking it up and beating ourselves over the head with it. This is something that we must always try to get away from, because life will gladly furnish us a long line of people who are more than eager to do that for us.

Karen Starlene

[Nicki B]

Tammy, I read your words and hear you railing against 'what's been done to you'.

Until you can accept you are what you are and none the less lovable for that (look at the comments from those who know you) you will stay stuck in that perception of being a victim. You have been dealt a hand of cards - how you play it, makes it good, or bad?

As Marla said, make prophecies in your head - they will come true. Unfortunately the ones you are making at the moment aren't helping you?

What if all were possible? Then work out how you could make it so... :)

[Michelle37]

I thought I was reading something I would have typed. I can relate to every single word you typed too. I got a lot out of the responses to your thread. Just this morning I took a step away from the fence by opting to join a forum so I can get to the meat of all this in my head. I know I am not alone in this confusion. Thankyou all.
Michelle

[Sally24]

It sounds like you're afraid to take that first step because you know where it will take you!

If you just sit and think, this stuff will drive you insane. You need to get out and be with people. Go to a support group or a social group. You need interaction with people and reality. Talk to t-girls and to transwomen. You fear that you have to go all the way and physically become a woman. That may be true, so what? Some of us manage to spend a few days a month as a female and that's enough. You may need more. I know as a married person that it's complicated. You have an SO and posibbly children to consider. But you won't do them any favor by staying in this state of mind.

Bottom line JUST DO IT. No matter what IT is you have to take some kind of action. Get out of the house, stop thinking about things and take some actual, physical, real, action towards making some kind of change. Change is scary when you don't know exactly where it's going. I can identify with the planning, I've got my itemized list, type person. Sometimes you have to put the paper and pen down and do something without having a guide of what step #2 will be.

Good luck and keep talking with us!

[Cara Allen]

In different circumstances but is exactly the same feeling, wondering why would such a God of love would create me, never mind what others think but how do you see yourself when you all dressed up and looking astonishly beutifull and then it hits you, is just a mirage, you are a man!! yeah i also need to seek help, but how can i bring my self to it? knowing that is just a dream that somehow is in me.


Love, Ericka

Ericka,

We can all identify. The very problem we are TALKING about it the exact thing you just vocalized....

You say you are a man. IF you were a man, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Let's say that you are a Snickers candy bar, and back at the plant, The Creator (a guy on the assembly line) thought he'd amuse himself... he picks up the Snickers, walks it over to the 3 Musketeers production line, and puts it in the wrapping machine. You're still a Snickers... ("Loaded with Peanuts!!") but to the whole world, you look just like a 3 Musketeers!

Back to my analogy... You get shipped to the mini-mart, and someone walks up, buys a 3 Musketeers, opens it and eats it, while he is thinking about that lousy boss he's got... anyway, he finishes it, throws away the wrapper and goes home. He didn't even notice that he thought it was one thing, and it was actually something else. Most people are thinking about their boss, their wife, the state of affairs of their lives. They actually don't notice and don't care. If they do, it's because they are surprised... "Wow! There's a Snickers, loaded with peanuts... in this 3 musketeer wrapper!!!" Isn't life weird?

I am beginning to think that I care lots more about being a Snickers is a 3 Musketeer wrapper than anyone else prpobably will, if they notice. 5 minutes after encountering me and discovering the obvious mistake, they go home and watch TV. While I, on the other hand, go on living with being in the wrong wrapper.

Ok, maybe it's a lame analogy. Try this one.

A long time ago, this guy I used to know had this concept of life. We are all pieces on a chess board, and we are involved in a splendid game. We don't control the game, we are self-impressed pieces on the board, but pieces, all the same. We can only move a certain way. We were made to execute that one kind of move. Our piece is a strategically important player, but all the other pieces are, too. Without all the pieces used properly, the game will be lost.

You can call it good and bad, or enlightened, vs. unenlghtened, or The Force vs. the Dark Side, or maybe just white and black. In the end, it was just a splendid game. From the perspective of being on the board, it is a life and death struggle.

You are what you are. The Queen on the chess board, and you struggle against the movement of the opponents side. If you are removed from the board, you are removed from making a difference. You still had a nice life, you tried, but you are on the sidelines. If you compare your life to some other lives, we are probably all comfy, fed, our loved ones are safe... We will exchange gifts at Christmas time, be with our loved ones, be safe and secure. Half of the world is starving, destitute. We are not. Safety needs are met. Be grateful for what you have.

but the chess piece has a purpose. If the game is to be won, it might be called on for it's ability to be what it is. If we are called on, we will be moved in the way we were designed, to win the game. Just be what you are.

P.S. You can't move like another piece. That would be cheating.

[kerrianna]

:hugs: Tammy, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I agree with Sharon that one of the things that might help is to quit reading and researching. This is a mysterious section of the galaxy and for every theory you read, you can find another one refuting that. It'll drive you mental after a while...you end up confused and wondering what/who to believe.

You say you are in therapy. Do you have other issues besides gender that you are trying to deal with? I know that's one of my biggest blocks. I have a lot of suspect coping skills, actually let's call them survival skills, learned as a child and what worked yesterday isn't working anymore. Unfortunately what has happened to me is that my dsyfunctional coping skills dovetail with my gender issues. What it means is I am having a hard time accepting this and believing I have either the skills or bravery needed to do something about it.

I really like what Marla said.

Our way of dealing with the world becomes entrenched in the brain, so we repeat it over and over again. Breaking out of that takes repeated concentrated effort. In my case I understand that no amount of reading, researching, connecting, joining, accepting, etc will do any good unless I also rewire my brain so I am living in a healthier more stable state. How I get there, whether conventional therapy, alternative methods, meditation, etc...doesn't matter, as long as I embark on that journey as part of my 'rebirth' and growth.

There are many possible reasons why you are having difficulty dealing with this. It can be said with certainty that there are roadblocks in your own brain and heart that are getting in the way. What they are and how you deal with them is something only you can really answer. Be super honest with yourself.

Go for a long walk or something and have a verbal question and answer period with yourself. Ask yourself some tough questions out loud and try to answer them as honestly as you can, from your HEART. Listen to yourself. You may find out what is keeping you chasing your tail. You may see a place to begin a break in the pattern.

And just remember.
If the answers you get from within scare the crap out of you...well, you're in good company. It doesn't mean you can't do something for yourself, whatever that is. You don't really know where it would take you. Don't assume that transitioning is the only answer, because some people do find other ways of being happy. Whatever it is you know to be true, we are here for you.

Sometimes all we need to know is that someone will hold our hand and watch our backs when we go to a new and unknown place.

:itsok:

[AmandaM]

I suffer like this every day also. I think you're doing the same thing as I. You don't want to be TS. You'd rather be a man and forget about it. You're so afraid of it, like me, that it constantly hammers at you. You could be just a TV, but you'll never know if you don't explore it. The journey is more important than the destination. I am taking baby steps. First, I acknowledge that I might be TS. Second, I am unhappy how I look when I dress so I am losing weight. Third, I tell myself I am okay where I am now and I don't need to decide if I am TV or TS. These actions and thoughts have given me some breathing room.

[Katrina]

Tammy,
When somebody tells you to "live life to the fullest", what do you imagine you would do? If you had the money, family support, friends' support, and career stability, would you transition? You mentioned that you "just want to be a girl". I think that ALL THE TIME as well. What keeps me from transitioning is the fear of not having the things I listed above. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I'd lose everything, everyone, and be homeless on the street - unable to afford estrogen and electro, ostracized from society, unable to leave the house (if I still had one) due to fear.
I doubt that helped you any...there is a reason I'm not a therapist. Just know that I (and many others apparently) are here for you.

[Kellie1on1]

Tammy,
There are some who have it worse. I have wanted to be a girl all my life (since 8) but being raised in a christian home the way I felt was wrong so all these years I hid it. Now 36 and on my 5 marriage, because of who I am inside, I don't have the money, support of anyone and most of all I don't want to hurt my wife (current). I have the OVERWHELMING NEED to be true to myself though so, how at this point in life do I do that and explain to my 11 year old daughter who lives with me, from another marriage. The state I live in doesn't even have a counsler trained in Trans- gender issues, where do I turn. If I had all the things mentioned by Katrina, I wouldn't even think, I would just do it and be SO MUCH HAPPIER TO BE MYSELF so, for now I work at home which gives me the time to be the real "inner" me, Kellie. Thanks for letting me post this and if someone has any suggestions, THANKS.

[Danielle1960]

I hear the pain in your description of depression and the all consuming fire of curiosity. I too have been (like many ) kick myself around about how did I become this way, when did I become this way, and of course why?

My wife found out a few years ago when I confessed my needs and desires. Of course I did everything wrong and she became physically ill at the the thought. After about 2 years of counseling, I must admit I've retreated back into myself for solace.

Since that time, I've struggle with issues of my wife finding any show from satellite that shows TS conversion, and cding and usually manages to have one of the kids around (kids are 18+) and make comments looking for me to make reassuring comments to make her feel good. So it is hard to deal with the struggles on your own and even harder when a spouse (that I do love) doesn't provide any support and does in fact provide threats instead.

The solace I mention came to me by way of a small still voice that reassured me that the struggles I'm going through our for my development, not for others and I should be content in the knowledge that all will work out and to be patient.

I hope you find some peace your situation and try to take it one day at a time. Don't load your mind with those who think they know better about you, because you will learn over time what makes you happy. I hope I haven't confused but in some small way encouraged you to keep going.
Danielle

[Kellie1on1]

Thank you, you did for me. I just try to be me as much and as often as I can. I only wish I had somewhere to go, it would be easier for my wife to deal with us splitting up and then I could deal with my daughter day by day. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

[Sarahgurl371]

Tammy,
When somebody tells you to "live life to the fullest", what do you imagine you would do? If you had the money, family support, friends' support, and career stability, would you transition? You mentioned that you "just want to be a girl". I think that ALL THE TIME as well. What keeps me from transitioning is the fear of not having the things I listed above. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I'd lose everything, everyone, and be homeless on the street - unable to afford estrogen and electro, ostracized from society, unable to leave the house (if I still had one) due to fear.
I doubt that helped you any...there is a reason I'm not a therapist. Just know that I (and many others apparently) are here for you.

Obviously it is the social stigma that I am afraid of. If I didn't have to worry about all the stuff you listed above, well I think I would know where I would end up.

That is one of my fears if my marriage ends in divorce. If I am alone to my devices all the time??? I know what I will end up doing. But even still, the thought of breaking free, of the mold that everyone sees, and doing what I want... it is exciting, maybe even freeing, but it has occured to me that I will have to totally decontruct my male self. Everything about him. I will have to change the way I see myself in actuallity.

Even though all the thoughts are pretty much constant, I still see myself trying to interact socially as male. Its like I can see it as a movie playing out in front of me. So while I think about or "fantasize" about these TG issues all the time, and think how wonderful it would be to be free to act on them, I think I am so very afraid of what consequnce might happen when I let my "gaurd" down. Its like there is this protectionist thing about my male personna. Tough guy. Hard ass. Don't F#@$ with me.

I think I may be more "traditional" in the area of societal roles than one would assume TG people are. That women are submissive, I guess, dependent. (I know.., I aspire to a higher standard) And by allowing myself to become a woman, I will have to learn to live with that role. To be submissive and dependent on others (males). I don't trust males now, when I can walk relatively unscathed among them.

I talked one night in therapy about my fear of this world. My therapist actually started weeping as I spoke of how afraid I am. (which made me feel horrible) How can I have gotten this far in life being so damned afraid of everything? It seems I have taken society's lesson to heart. They have done exactly what they want to do with "diverse" people in my case.

I have communicated with so many courageous people here and other places who have struck out on their own, and embraced themselves. I admire that courage so much. I am trying, taking baby steps, with myself, and my views to these people who scare me so. Slowly starting to emerge, my thoughts, my feelings. My therapist sees this as a big step to be commended. I don't. It is scary. Each time the lump in my throat, the butterflies in my stomach, the increased heart rate. Every ounce of my brain SCREAMING "STOP!!!!!"

In the end I am still alone, by myself. I must deal with this. No one else. Community is great. This forum is as well. But I am alone. I do get inspired by reading your posts. And I think "I can do it." But then that fear creaps back in, and I am alone.

[Nicki B]

I think I may be more "traditional" in the area of societal roles than one would assume TG people are. That women are submissive, I guess, dependent. (I know.., I aspire to a higher standard) And by allowing myself to become a woman, I will have to learn to live with that role. To be submissive and dependent on others (males).

Ye gods.... Don't you know any strong women??? :wall:

The men you describe don't sound strong - they sound vulnerable and dependent on their egos..

[GypsyKaren]

Fear is something that we all have to deal with the moment we get out of bed, it's just a part of life. Tammy, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Despite all that you've been through, you're still here and you're still standing, I think you're a lot stronger than you allow yourself to believe.

Karen Starlene

[kerrianna]

Tammy, I know exactly what you are saying. I said the same thing today to my GP when I came out (I'm beginning to hate that phrase...I'll have to think of another way to put it) to him, and he was talking to me about my life. I told him that EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in my life is based on fear. I live in a reactive state, always trying to protect myself. I never take the iniative. Somehow I have gotten along okay...but I know every single day I live with fear over my shoulder, whispering in my ear, telling me to run and save myself before I get torn apart by ...whatever it is I think is out there that will get me.

I've ALWAYS been like this. My earliest memories are of hiding under the bed. It really hasn't changed much.

BUT...I am resolving, every day I can, more and more, because I won't be here forever, I am resolving not to let fear ruin my life. It will never go away...Karen's right about how we all wake up with it...but I can find ways to live positively with fear.

I'm reading an interesting book (there are lots of good books on overcoming fear) called 'You Have the Power - choosing courage in a culture of fear" by Frances Moore Lappe and Jeffrey Perkins. (2004)

It's focussed on doing something about the things wrong with our planet and society in general, but what it does work on is finding new ways to make fear work for you. That's a concept I hadn't really thought about before. I thought fear had to be conquered.

"How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love"
from 'Letters to a Young Poet' by Rainer Maria Rilke

That's a good place to start to transform fear - love.
Start by loving yourself Tammy. You don't have to do a whole bear hug of love at once...just a little act of kindness for yourself. We so often deny ourselves that because we think we don't deserve it. But we do. We all deserve love, and we do make everything and everyone around us richer when we find ways to love and embrace ourselves.

The thing is Tammy...you are NEVER alone. It may seem that way to you. But you are as much a part of this great big universe as anyone and anything else, and are connected to everything. Keep working on those baby-big steps and keep opening your heart and your mind. That voice in your head that screams at you to run will gradually change and lose it's volume.

I talk a big talk here because I too want to walk that walk and I am scared scared scared...but somehow I keep inching ahead, and when I look back I am amazed how far I have come. I have to remember that...and give myself a pat on the back, because for people like us it is a struggle to live free.

But it can be done Tammy.

I just know it can.



And for goodness sake girl, quit thinking in binary gender stereotypes. We have that old TARZAN STRONG, JANE WEAK thing pounded into our heads all the time. It's crap.

My life experience tells me everyone can be strong and weak in their own ways. Actually I've always thought most women are way stronger than men. They do so much of the nuturing and shouldering of the world. I'm proud to think of myself as one and I will never let the twisted view that men are the hunters and women are the prey hold me back from being who I am. And if you want to be more passive and receptive, then do so with pride. It doesn't mean you are weak. The universe exists on giving and taking and neither is more or less powerful than the other.

[CaptLex]

I think I may be more "traditional" in the area of societal roles than one would assume TG people are. That women are submissive, I guess, dependent. (I know.., I aspire to a higher standard) And by allowing myself to become a woman, I will have to learn to live with that role. To be submissive and dependent on others (males). I don't trust males now, when I can walk relatively unscathed among them.
Yikes! What century are we in? I imagine most women would take offense to being seen as submissive and dependent on males, and I'm sure some guys don't want to be with a submissive/dependent woman. Maybe you need to meet some enlightened people.


it has occured to me that I will have to totally decontruct my male self. Everything about him. I will have to change the way I see myself in actuallity
I've heard this before and I still don't get it. Maybe circumstances are different for me, or maybe I just don't see such a big diff between males and females, beyond the obvious - the physical. For me the internal, basic "me" now is still the same one that existed before - the only real change is the wrapping. I still have the same interests, ideas, attitudes, friends (mostly), job, etc. But then I never fit the role of a "traditional" female, I guess (whatever that is).

[Dania]

Hello all. This is my first post, although I've been lurking around for a long time and through many 0 post account clears. For a quick intro, I am a 21 year old college student who some most days believes she is a transsexual, fewer with each passing day a CD, and the rest of the time working as tirelessly to not think about either possibility.

I suppose reading this thread inspired me to post my two cents, if for no other reason then that of a selfish psychological bitch session.

I feel that I identify so strongly with this sentiment of wishing that the conflict could just cease to be a part of my world. The fact that I believe myself to be a (self-diagnosed) TS shakes every part of my life, there really isn't 30 minutes in a day which I don't think about it, or my feelings aren't triggered by some sort of event. It's so bad I can't even engage in a conversation with someone about anything outside of work or school, living in constant fear of slipping up and somehow getting read. I can't allow people back to my apartment for the fear of people finding my clothes, and although I disclose my TS nature in relationships which turn serious, it's been at the heart of more then a few relationship breakups and drunken slip-ups. The tragic part? I've met my share of accepting GGs (along with more who find it repulsive), but the walls I've built have prevented me from sharing this side of myself and I've ended things. I don't start relationships with GGs who aren't into this sort of thing (I always ask somewhat leading questions to begin with), and I end it with GGs who *are* accepting because of self doubt. *moves back to topic*

The mere fact that I have to actively lie to everyone I meet, having to keep up this facade of being a man to my parents, my friends, and potential beaus (all have been woman, thus far) is just far too much, having to create and maintain so many emotional walls is something that has aged me far past 21. I feel as if I'm 21 going on 60 (and totally no offense to you more experienced girls out there, any age is great when your mind is free!).

Like Tammy, I've talked with so many people privately who have embraced this part of themselves, and living in such a liberal area I've run into my fair share of MTFs and FTMs alike (pre-op and post-op), all of whom I admire greatly but at the end of the day it's just me, alone with a petrifying fear of losing everything.

I get inspired, and it's just gone as soon as I'm going to do anything substantive. Sometimes I just wish I could get away, but at the same time the fact that I am a girl inside has made me into a loving person who loves herself, but has a longing.. A wish, that others could love that person as well, but yet too scared to actually come out that give people that chance.

CaptLex, behaviorally, I agree with you to an extent. The gender differences between men and woman aren't really that pronounced. I think what Tammy (might) mean is that as people who are TG there is often a nagging feeling that we aren't female or male enough to be considered a first class citizen of our true gender. For me, whenever I see a female role model make a decision or say something in a certain way, I say to myself, "Wow, I could never express myself like that." Then the nagging doubts creep in about how I wasn't socialized as a female, and how I could never pass. The reality is I get along so well with female friends so much better then male friends, and they have never really thought of me as the prototypical male, as my best (female) friend pointed out (who doesn't know) over drinks one night.

For me, it's more about the fear of having to reconstruct myself to be more female, 110% female, instead of just the 60% female that most natal females live up to, and that number is somewhere around 20% if you are in the tech legal field as I am. :tongueout.


More questions then answers, but without a doubt :2c:

[Nicki B]

Dania, I listen to what you post and think the longer you leave it, the more pronounced that difference will get - and the more the likelihood that you will pick up complications like a wife and children?

I am normally loathe to push anyone, ever - but, if you're certain who and what you are inside, at your age go for it, the sooner the better?

It will only get harder and more complicated the longer you leave it - as anyone who transitions in their 30s, 40s or 50s will tell you?


I have a friend who transitioned when she was 19 - now, at 23, she looks stunning, always passes and has a steady girlfriend?

And her father is so proud of his new daughter.. :)

She was a bridesmaid, a few weeks back, at her brother's wedding?

[Sarahgurl371]

Yikes! What century are we in? I imagine most women would take offense to being seen as submissive and dependent on males, and I'm sure some guys don't want to be with a submissive/dependent woman. Maybe you need to meet some enlightened people.


I've heard this before and I still don't get it. Maybe circumstances are different for me, or maybe I just don't see such a big diff between males and females, beyond the obvious - the physical. For me the internal, basic "me" now is still the same one that existed before - the only real change is the wrapping. I still have the same interests, ideas, attitudes, friends (mostly), job, etc. But then I never fit the role of a "traditional" female, I guess (whatever that is).

CaptLex and everybody else, I knew that this comment might draw some fire, and it shouldn't. It wasn't meant in a degrading or demeaning way. I am talking about MY feelings. The ones that I was born with, raised with, live with. I have never, ever, in my life done anything to degrade or belittle women or thier RIGHT to equality. Just last week I got into a serious debate with my father over the very issue. If you knew the relationship between my father and I, you would be able to see the amount of courage it took to state my views on womens' equality in society. Baby steps.

I was raised in a very male dominated family. Mom was put on a pedestal. I was taught to treat women with love and dignity. To always put them first, before yourself, and your needs. I have tried to live my life on my father's example. While it is covered with reverance for women, it is also pretty chauvenistic. Abviously I picked up on that a bit as well.

This leads into the Deconstructing thing that you say that you do not understand.

IN the world I grew up in, men are to be men. In every sense of the word and all that is implied by society and the traditional family patriarchal form. My father saw a penis, and said "son, let me teach you to be a proud, self sufficient alpha male." "Let me show you all the things you will need to do, to preseve the nature of this world, to care for your family, to be a man I can be proud of." I know that sounds a little out there, but there was a huge amount of influence placed upon this. Being riased with the fear of God and my father, all I ever wanted was His, and his, approval, for them to be proud of me.

I tried and I tried to to just that. Feeling "different" inside, or turning to CDing, this was made all the more difficult, so I tired even harder to overcome these feelings, and also never felt that I measured up anyway. This lead to alot of self confidence, shame, guilt, issues as well. I feel that I am not articulating this very well at all.

Anyway, all I ever thought I was supposed to do was fall in love, get married, have kids, and work my ass off to provide for my family's security. So that is what I tried to do. I got married shortly after high school. Worked my ass off. I am not able to have kids, regretfully. But still I felt as though I must follow the example set forth. Sixteen years later, here I am. I always felt so inadequate as a boy, young man, adult man. So I try harder. I never allowed myself to be myself. I do not even know who that is. I went from a son trying to please his father to a married man still trying to please his father, and now wife and society. I have built a life in that repsect. It was this goal that I had to achieve.

So when I say that I need to deconstruct this "personna" to allow my true self to emerge, it is because all there is, is this personna. I really do not know how to exist in any other way.

Although I was told, taught, to repsect women, to elevate them above the man, and that it is okay to be who you are, actions spoke louder than words. Maybe my dad was trying to address his own perceived shortcommings when raising his kids. Maybe he just went overboard a bit. Maybe it is my fault for taking him so seriously. Either way, I am me. It seems I received two confliciting messages. I hold myself to a different standard to that which I hold everyone else. That is why I have the opinion that it is okay for you to be whoever, whatever, you want to be, but I cannot. Its an issue, I know. One that I have yet to overcome.

[Valeria]

Yikes! What century are we in? I imagine most women would take offense to being seen as submissive and dependent on males, and I'm sure some guys don't want to be with a submissive/dependent woman. Maybe you need to meet some enlightened people.
I sometimes think that studying contemporary feminist theory (third wave or transfeminist), and maybe queer theory too, ought to mandatory for anyone trans. Oh heck, there's some good stuff in third-wave feminism for everyone. :happy:

There's one trans forum that I used to belong to that displayed this quite well. I quit because it eventually reached the point where most of my posts were just countering misogyny, misandry, and homophobia, and it wore me down. :sad:

I also knew someone (terribly nice girl actually), who at one point declared that she identified as trans, not as a woman, because she wasn't willing to meet the requirements of womanhood (which she apparently thought meant taking your place in the patriarchy like a good little girl). Fortunately, she's over that now and has blossomed into a lovely feminist. :happy:


I've heard this before and I still don't get it. Maybe circumstances are different for me, or maybe I just don't see such a big diff between males and females, beyond the obvious - the physical. For me the internal, basic "me" now is still the same one that existed before - the only real change is the wrapping. I still have the same interests, ideas, attitudes, friends (mostly), job, etc. But then I never fit the role of a "traditional" female, I guess (whatever that is).
There are differences between men and women, of course, but most of these are minor statistical differences. There are lots of psychological traits that men or women are slightly more likely to have. There are numerous psychological disorders that show large gender differences in prevalence. But still, these are slight differences on average and differences in outliers. Men and women are mostly the same, and there is no set of personality traits or personal interests that is uniquely male or female - just trends. So I mostly agree with you.

I will say that when I went from living part-time as a woman (even though I was spending most of my time that way) to living full-time and fully immersed as a woman, I did experience some personal growth. Still, going back to college and having a baby has probably changed me more than transitioning did.

Anyway, one difference for trans guys is that they aren't having to struggle against internalized misogyny from having been raised in a patriarchal society.

[Valeria]

When somebody tells you to "live life to the fullest", what do you imagine you would do? If you had the money, family support, friends' support, and career stability, would you transition?
If your answer to this question is yes, and you think you would be happier if this transpired, then you will probably never be happy without transition -- and the longer you wait before transitioning, the more difficult transition becomes.


You mentioned that you "just want to be a girl". I think that ALL THE TIME as well. What keeps me from transitioning is the fear of not having the things I listed above. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I'd lose everything, everyone, and be homeless on the street - unable to afford estrogen and electro, ostracized from society, unable to leave the house (if I still had one) due to fear.
It helps to take it in stages. People sometimes go on hormones and start electrolysis (or laser) years before they publicly begin transition by telling friends, family, or coworkers. This can actually help quite a bit -- the sad fact is that people tend to take being told you are going to start living as a woman better if you mostly look like one already.

Hair removal alone causes no social difficulties for most people (unless you are married and your wife disapproves). No one will fire you because you don't have beard shadow. Most of the outward effects of hormones are subtle enough that they can be hidden for a while too. People may notice a difference, but they are likely to think you've lost weight or changed your hair style, not that you are taking hormones. :happy:

This path also helps in providing insurance against unemployment and financial. If you have a job, and you spend a few years using it to pay for a lot of the start-up costs of transition (hair removal, maybe voice therapy, maybe FFS), then you are less likely to get financially stranded in the middle (where you are unable to get a job because you are living as a woman, but don't look like one). Lots of women focus on getting FFS before going full time, because they think it will pay for itself in improved employability.

I can't tell you that you won't face discrimination. It happens. But if you look and sound like a woman, most people will accept you as such and it won't be such an employment issue. If you can reach the point of being consistently gendered as a woman, and you are not open about your past, then people will never suspect and your life will be exactly like that of other women.

As far as friends go, you can always make more friends, and chances are good that you won't lose everyone. Personally, I tend to be more at ease with newer friends that don't know my past than with older friends that do, but that's probably my own insecurities. A lot of people report that people that never met your old persona treat you differently than people that did, even if the people that met the old you are nominally accepting.

As for family, that is trickier. Some people are lucky (my siblings completely accept me as I am, for instance). Some not so much -- I know people that have effectively lost their entire family. Young children usually handle it well -- older childredn are much more variable. Mates are highly variable, but most hetero couples where the "husband" transitions end in divorce -- sometimes exceedingly nasty divorce.

Ultimately, it all comes down to what's important to you. I know a lot of people who have gone full time from other forums, and some of them have had bad experiences with losing family and/or friends. But I don't know many who don't say they are still much happier than they were before. If you really have sufficiently strong gender dysphoria, then as I said before, you'll never truly be happy without transitioning. I wasn't even all that miserable before I went full time -- I was very good at coping, and I don't think I'm genetically predisposed to depression. But it amazes me how much happier I am now.

[Katrina]

If your answer to this question is yes, and you think you would be happier if this transpired, then you will probably never be happy without transition -- and the longer you wait before transitioning, the more difficult transition becomes...
...If you really have sufficiently strong gender dysphoria, then as I said before, you'll never truly be happy without transitioning. I wasn't even all that miserable before I went full time -- I was very good at coping, and I don't think I'm genetically predisposed to depression. But it amazes me how much happier I am now.

And that is one thing that scares the living bejesus out of me. I personally don't think I will be happy unless I transition, but I don't think I will be happier if I do and lose everything that is important to me.

And Tammy, I know what you mean about deconstructing. My father wasn't a good-ole-boy, so he didn't put that stuff in my head, but I spent years of my life building up this facade of a somewhat macho guy so that people wouldn't suspect the inner girl. I've been much happier with my life lately now that I've accepted that part of me (more) and have started to shed the macho exterior. I'm much more comfortable with myself now than I was, but I'm no where near where I want to be.

[Ann Smith]

But when you are a genetic male with a powerful MTF impulse you feel deprived, you feel stripped down, you feel alienated from the sensual life of femininity. If you could have that feminine thing you ache for, you would feel all better. But males and females aren't that different. Becoming female doesn't mean becoming brilliant and honest. You could wake up female and still not be the complete, evolved, best, highest, noblest version of yourself.

Tammy I think you are 1) desperate to be and feel truly feminine, and 2) longing to be the most evolved, knowing, aware, caring, loving greatest wonderfulest possible version of yourself.

Reassigning female isn't guaranteed to do that. So, it isn't The answer.

After all this agony, there is probably a voice inside you that is saying: "If I take this extreme step, it better solve everything that's possibly wrong or lacking." I know that's how I would feel.

You express yourself beautifully in your writing, that's for sure.

[Dania]

Tammy,

Once again, I can very easily identify with the idea of being taught to place woman on a pedestal by my father, and being taught how to survive in this world as an alpha male. My father is a successful businessman who tried to teach me to take life's traditional path, to be married right away, to provide for my family in such a way as to never show weakness. Perhaps I've taken what he has taught me too seriously, but the pressure to get married and be that alpha male is so great (even at my age) that whenever I try to be who I really am, the guilt overwhelms me that I'm not living up to my fathers expectations.

It's probably my own fault for internalizing these lessons so deeply, but I can definitely relate better to what you mean by deconstruction. And yes, it sucks! It seems after reading these forums for a long time, our stories are nothing but slight variations of one another. We are all at such different stages (for me, young and inexperienced) yet our feelings are so similar. It is a constant source of amazement, and a cautionary tale as well.

Katrina,

I too feel that I won't be happy unless I transition, yet I haven't been able to figure out if I'll be happy if I lose everyone who is important to me. If I transitioned, I'd most definitely be starting a new life in every sense of the word given my circumstances (I'd lose my entire family, without any question). I can think of nothing more daunting in my life. I ask myself the simple question, "Can I go on like this and just accept the fact that I won't be 100% happy?" I still don't know the answer.

*sigh*

[GypsyKaren]

Just a couple of things I'd like to toss in here...

#1...I firmly believe that you have to accept yourself before you transition, because...

#2...Transitioning, SRS, hormones, you name it, is not a magic pill that will solve your problems, they're just steps in the road of life. In other words, check your baggage at the door first, because you'll fail if you try to lug them around with you.

Karen Starlene

[Joy Carter]

Tammy the saving grace in coming here, was to hear what others have to say on this subject. I too at the advanced years of fifty eight go though the same feelings as you on a daily basis. I don't have any answers either. But it's somewhat settling knowing I/we have sisters who are the same.


Take Care~ Joy:hugs:

[kerrianna]

Just a couple of things I'd like to toss in here...

#1...I firmly believe that you have to accept yourself before you transition, because...

#2...Transitioning, SRS, hormones, you name it, is not a magic pill that will solve your problems, they're just steps in the road of life. In other words, check your baggage at the door first, because you'll fail if you try to lug them around with you.

Karen Starlene


Absolutely!

I recall one of our members who neglected to do that and began transitioning and just about did herself in because there was no foundation to work on.

You don't want to be building a new house on a shaky foundation.

I appreciate what people have to say about 'if you feel this way don't delay' but I would urge you to take each step properly and make sure you know yourself well.

You are stripping away a persona, and maybe coping skills built into that persona, and you will be embarking on a difficult journey so you will have a better chance to succeed if you are your own best friend.

[Dania]

I agree with this unequivocally. In the calmest of moments this rings truer then anything else. The journey of life is one where no single action, no single pill, or for me glass of alcohol can fix everything that is wrong. It goes back to 'know thy self.'

[Nicki B]

I appreciate what people have to say about 'if you feel this way don't delay' but I would urge you to take each step properly and make sure you know yourself well.

I would certainly urge that, too. It's never a race - just try to take control and don't feel as if you're just stuck, circling in the eddies? :strugglin

[Ms. Donna]

My dear Tammy,

Round and round we go. You, me - so many of us on this circus ride with no one manning the controls. At least that's how it feels sometimes - the lack of control over all of this. But the fact is that the lack of control - our inability to move forward - is the manifestation of one thing: fear.

There is so much to fear in all of this: loss of jobs, partners, family, friends. Fear of ridicule - fear of not passing - of simply not being able to do this. Fear of failing in a new role as we have in our present role. Fear of waking up one day and thinking "I've made a mistake. I shouldn't have done this."

There's much to fear. So much, that one can be suffocated by it more so that the transness that started it all oh so very long ago. And at some point, we wonder: "Have we even not been afraid? Of having our dirty little secret discovered?" Have we ever known a time when we felt at home in the world? When we actually felt good about who we are? If we have - they have been fleeting glimses of a life that might have been - someone else's life - not a life that we could ever have.

We stand outside the fence - watching the other kids play - longing to join them. We stand there and watch them and say to ourselves, "If only..." Fear keeps up from opening the gate, walking in and asking, "May I play as well?" Because after all, who would want to play with us? Who in their right mind would want to have anything to do with the likes of us.

So we sit and watch life happen to everyone else - secure in the knowledge that we are not deserving of the same. 'Life' is for other people. Being happy is for other people. We become spectres - ghosts of the people we might have been. We walk among the living - the people we wish we could be - and long for our chance to be one of them.

All of this because we are so afraid of losing this illusion we pretend is a life. But is it a life? Can living in fear of ourselves really be called living?

We take refuge in the thoughts that we do this - live this life of desperation - for the others in our lives. We force ourselves to be people we aren't - to feel things we don't - to pretend that it's really all 'alright': we're strong - we can do this. Everyone else in the world is somehow more important than we are and that this is just the way things are meant to be. We listen to everyone else except the one person who knows what is best for us: ourselves. We no longer trust ourselves to know ourselves.

And because we have no trust - faith - in our own ability to know and understand ourselves, we take the blame of everything 'bad' that seems to happen. It all becomes our fault - because of who we are - because we cannot be this person everyone else seems to think we should be - that they want us to be. And we believe them and continue to blame ourselves until the core of our being is one big ball of guilt and fear and self-hatred over simply being alive. And then we simply give up. After all, what's the point? Right?

At the very least, I have felt like this, sometimes I still do - but not that often. And yes, I deconstructed myself to the point that there was little left of 'me' - and I had to build a new me. It's not perfect: it is still insecure and frightened - but no so much as in the past. And most important, I no longer let the world define me.

Things have changed for me - most for the better, but some not. But in the end, it's Ok - because at least now I am being true to myself as best as I know how. It's hard - so very hard because for me transitioning is not the right thing and in some ways it would make this all easier for me. But I trust myself enough to know what I need now - and I am willing to work to have it.

We (you and I) have had many discussion about this and they all end the same: you need to trust yourself Tammy. You know who you are, what you are and what you need to be at the very least 'happier' than you are now. Things will change, you'll likely loose your wife, you'll probably move somewhere else... But you're not happy where you are now - something has to give. And you know this my dear - you have for ages.

I have few 'answers' - only experiences which I can share in the hopes that others find something of value to them. Please read my essay on my philosophy (http://wanderingaloud.wordpress.com/donnas-philosophy/) of all this. Read it - again and again - until you understand what I realized: about looking for answers and about seeking validation outside myself. Perhaps it will help - perhaps not. But it cannot hurt. It's just one girl's perspective on this whole crazy ride... but at lease I have a hand on the controls now.

You can always talk to me Tammy, please know that. This shit is hard - but not impossible. I know you can make it work. You just need to take that first step. It's a big one for sure - but it gets easier with every step thereafter.

All my best to you girl.

Love,
Donna

[Sarahgurl371]

Donna, you pretty much hit the nail on the head with this post. The way you describe the internal thoughts and feelings of failure and inadequacy is very concise. As well as the "ghost" person that I am. At least I feel that I am, everyone else sees a physical person with all that implies, I feel totally opposite from what they perceive.

And the giving up part, pretty much where I am now. Why bother? What purpose will be served if I allow myself this? What difference will it make if I allow myself to get dressed up for a while? To make some small modifications to my body? Its like it is not even about dressing at all anymore. I haven't gotten all dressed up for so long. Its about the feelings/thoughts. I haven't been allowing myself to indulge in the physical manifestations of them, yet I still have them. So I am beginning to think that the "clothing" isn't the issue at all. A relativiely new thought pattern for me. For so many years, the mental purge after a Cding episode was the way to clear my conscience, "I will never do this again." I would say to myself. And it seemed to allow my to function, at least, until the next time.

The funny thing is that it was my wife who forced me to "look" at this all within myself. To get the answers to this question. Funny because finding them, or at least more questions will probably result in her not wanting to be with me anymore. We are at the point that I have backed up a mile, to try to make a reconciliation. She connot handle the fact that I have these thoughts. So we are very similar in that respect. So I am still trying to be the person that She and everyone else wants me to be.

One of my constant questions is "how are alot of the CDers on the forums so happy about themselves, and what they like to do?" There seems to be such a light hearted aura about it. There has never been such a time for me. This I can read two ways.

I don't know, maybe this path of rejecting and fighting this thing isn't going to work. And that scares me.

[Sarahgurl371]

But when you are a genetic male with a powerful MTF impulse you feel deprived, you feel stripped down, you feel alienated from the sensual life of femininity. If you could have that feminine thing you ache for, you would feel all better. But males and females aren't that different. Becoming female doesn't mean becoming brilliant and honest. You could wake up female and still not be the complete, evolved, best, highest, noblest version of yourself.

Tammy I think you are 1) desperate to be and feel truly feminine, and 2) longing to be the most evolved, knowing, aware, caring, loving greatest wonderfulest possible version of yourself.

Reassigning female isn't guaranteed to do that. So, it isn't The answer.

After all this agony, there is probably a voice inside you that is saying: "If I take this extreme step, it better solve everything that's possibly wrong or lacking." I know that's how I would feel.

You express yourself beautifully in your writing, that's for sure.


1) desperate to be and feel truly feminine - Yes, absolutely

2) longing to be the most evolved, knowing, aware, caring, loving greatest wonderfulest possible version of yourself. [/B] - something I have strived for since I can remember.

I have read many cautionary tales about thinking that transitioning will fix all your problems in life, that being something else will fix everything. I think its even mentioned in the Standards Of Care.

While I think striving to be the best person I can possibly be is a noble thing, and something I think should be attempted, I do worry that I might be placing more emphasis on this than I should.

I know that transisiton will bring with it its' own set of consequences and challenges. I do not have blinders on. And I have been very honest about my thoughts with my therapist, the last thing I want to do is fool myself. But I do certainly have the fear of "what if I do this, take any outward steps at all regarding this, endanger this "life" I have built, and it doesn't fix or help how I feel?" The only way to know is to explore it, but I have built so much fear into exploring it in a possible attempt at restraining it.

Part of the problem is that there is no escape, ever. There is never a moments peace. I have even talked at length about this in therapy, the fact that I cannot let go, relax. Looking for signs of some other mental problem, deficiency which needs addressed.

[Nicki B]

One of my constant questions is "how are alot of the CDers on the forums so happy about themselves, and what they like to do?" There seems to be such a light hearted aura about it. There has never been such a time for me.

You never heard of putting a brave face on things? Most of us have surely been there at one time or another. and can relate to Ms Donna's post. I dunno, maybe some of us are just 'glass half full' people? Maybe some are in the 'pink fog'?


I don't know, maybe this path of rejecting and fighting this thing isn't going to work. And that scares me.

Back to the fear, and paralysis? :strugglin

Is the life you have now, worth so much as it is? Only you know that answer..

[CaptLex]

Just last week I got into a serious debate with my father over the very issue. If you knew the relationship between my father and I, you would be able to see the amount of courage it took to state my views on womens' equality in society. Baby steps.

I was raised in a very male dominated family. Mom was put on a pedestal. I was taught to treat women with love and dignity. To always put them first, before yourself, and your needs. I have tried to live my life on my father's example. While it is covered with reverance for women, it is also pretty chauvenistic. Abviously I picked up on that a bit as well.

This leads into the Deconstructing thing that you say that you do not understand.

IN the world I grew up in, men are to be men. In every sense of the word and all that is implied by society and the traditional family patriarchal form. My father saw a penis, and said "son, let me teach you to be a proud, self sufficient alpha male." "Let me show you all the things you will need to do, to preseve the nature of this world, to care for your family, to be a man I can be proud of." I know that sounds a little out there, but there was a huge amount of influence placed upon this. Being riased with the fear of God and my father, all I ever wanted was His, and his, approval, for them to be proud of me.
Tammy,

Thanks for taking the time to explain that to me. I think I understand what you mean about "deconstructing" now. I do understand what you mean about your dad's views and how you were influenced by them.

Believe it or not, my dad is the exact same way, with one difference - he never put women on a pedestal. My father thinks women were put on this planet for the sole purpose of serving men, and that men should make all the decisions for them. So I suppose that may be why you and I grew up differently. I rejected my dad's views and rebeled against everything he stood for, and I realize now it's probably because I refused to let him (or anyone) treat me as a second class citizen simply for being born female. And I guess that means there was never really a female persona for me to deconstruct. I mean, I was socialized as a female (and some of that stuff is hard to turn off), but I rejected a lot of it from the start because I didn't want to live up to my parents' idea of what I should be.

The thing that gets me about what you said (and please remember that this is just my :2c: - I won't presume to tell you or anyone else how to think), is that it sounds like you're still trying to please your father. Like you don't want to let him down. I know there's more to your fears than that - family, job, etc. - but I think if it's true that you don't want to disappoint him, then you've already lost the battle. In order to get myself this far, I've had to let go of anyone else's expectations of me. Unfortunately, the result of that is exactly what you fear - I don't have any contact with my father, and I'm not close with my mother and other family.

So I guess it comes down to what's most important to you. For me, there is no other way I could live. If I gave up being me, I would probably have my family in my life, but the cost is too high. That would mean pretending to be someone I'm not - laying myself on the sacrificial altar for people who wouldn't appreciate the sacrifice because they'd refuse to understand the pain that would cause me. And, to be honest, if I did that, I may as well stop living.

Again, I'd never tell you what you should do, but I do understand your pain a bit better now. Thanks for taking the time to enlighten me, and I wish you better days ahead. :hugs:

[Marla S]

But the fact is that the lack of control - our inability to move forward - is the manifestation of one thing: fear.
According to my experiences it is just the other way round.
Fear is the manifestation of a lack of control.
That is an important difference IMO, because you can work on it and learn to get control, but you hardly can fight a diffuse fear.


One of my constant questions is "how are alot of the CDers on the forums so happy about themselves, and what they like to do?" There seems to be such a light hearted aura about it. There has never been such a time for me. This I can read two ways.
For me it is/was getting control by allowing it, not fighting it anymore. There is no point in fighting it, because it won't go away anyway. Hence fighting it is/was a waste of mental energy and a dead end street.

Sounding like a contradiction, this indeed was a major step to get control. Control about the way I integrate it into my life. A long learning path with trial and error, but one worth going, because now I know by experience what I need and what I am able to give ... equalizing getting more control. It got manageable within the constrains I got by nature.
You can't get more control. Control within limits, limits that are you and not someone else.
Experiencing that it works, that fears vanish made me confident about my way, and it is more easy to adjust if indeed necessary.


I don't know, maybe this path of rejecting and fighting this thing isn't going to work. And that scares me.
According to my experiences this will never work.
You can't stop eating, but you have limited control when, what and how much, whether you eat more or less healthy, whether you eat alone or in company etc. etc.
My advise would be try to get control within the limits of being TG, because you can't control being TG. That should help to get rid of some fears.

[GypsyKaren]

One of my constant questions is "how are alot of the CDers on the forums so happy about themselves, and what they like to do?" There seems to be such a light hearted aura about it. There has never been such a time for me. This I can read two ways.


Tammy, it's a big mistake to compare yourself to a crossdresser, because what you feel goes so much deeper than that. It's not just a portion of your life, it's all of it, it's who you are inside. It's not about the clothes, it's about what's in your heart. It's one thing to be sad because you can't dress up when you want, it's something entirely different when you're sad because you just want be who you are, a woman. I'm not saying that we're better in any way, but it's our simple truth that us TS'ers have it harder to live and deal with.

Karen Starlene :star:

[AmandaM]

I think that you are stressing over this because you are resisting any sort of femininity because of your relationship. Sometimes, we make the problem larger than it is when we resist it.

[Dania]

Tammy,

I used to compare myself to how a CD felt about all of this, and asked myself why I couldn't be content with just clothes, or just the opportunity to dress. As Karen so eloquently stated, we simply can't because it reached a feeling which has so much of a
profound impact on our lives as a whole.

Donna,

The feeling of standing outside the fence longing to have a spot in the game of happiness is something that is very easy to identify with. Happiness for anyone else but me. :mad:

I wish I could say I had an answer, but for me, I'm still there. At one point I resolved happiness was for everybody else, that very same idea. My first reaction was to quote the song "Silent Sea" by K.T Tunstall:

"Floating on an ocean and confused,
Winds are whipping waves up like skyscapers,
And the harder they hit me, the less I seem to bruise.

And when I, find the controls,
I go where I like, I know where I want to be...
But maybe for now I'll stay right here...on a silent sea."

It's just so perfect for the situation, and speaks volumes of the confusion inherent in all of this.

Tammy, you'll get through it though. If you decide to transition, or to stay on a silent sea. :) I also just wanted to say that each volume of this thread helps my understanding greatly. Thanks.

Good luck!

[kerrianna]

K.T. Tunstall rocks!

Hey, she's not TG, and yet she gets it.

Hey, my partner is not TG and yet she gets it.

What you described Donna...beautiful and eloquent...my partner and I BOTH have lived that way.

Not all of this is about being trans. In the end it is about feeling isloated and unworthy and maybe unloved, and undeserving of love.

I still say, and I say this while trying to practise it myself, actually both Carol and I are working day by day on this after a lifetime, I still say that's where it starts - you must start by loving yourself.

If you practice each day saying "I AM worth it, I do love myself" then you will start acting that way. You will find the will to fight for your lovely self.

We who grew up like Donna describes, and there are millions of us, not just trans-people, think we are being selfish or stupid to love ourselves. We're not. We're being selfish and stupid not to.

Start with that simplicity. I know it is in fact the hardest thing in the world. But that's where we find the crack in the wall we need to tear down to set ourselves free and on our true paths.


I wish you, and all of us other 'looking in through the fence' hurting kids, the power and courage and insight to grow into our greater selves, finally. :hugs::love: