Wife Found Out

[marykrissmithcd]

I've been living apart from my wife for the last 6 months due to my job. She came to visit me during Thanksgiving. She needed to borrow a larger bag for the return trip and I forgot that I had put my purse in it. I went to give it to her and realized the purse was in it. She didn't actually see the purse but knew about my dressing and thought I wasn't doing it since we had undergone counciling. She didn't say anything right away but when we went to bed she ashed if I was dressing again and I told her I was. I am going home for Christmas not looking forward to it but maybe it's time everything comes out in the open. I lost the first wife after 17 years because of crossdressing and I don't want to lose a 2nd. But I just love dressing and feeling fem. Don't know how to approach this when I get home. If a divorce is going to happen, so be it. But I really love her and would like to stay married to her but I can't stop dressing either. I envey those of you who have supportive wives. Thanks for letting me cry out.:sad:

[Nigella]

These threads crop up from time to time, in one form or another.

Whilst I will sympathise with you, I would always advocate honesty. More often than not, trouble due to "crossdressing! is nothing to do with wearing female clothing, but more about the honesty aspect. If you lied about this, what else have you lied about?

We all tell little white lies, but to hide something this big is being down right dishonest.

Face the music and lay your cards on the table.

[Joanna-Louise]

Heya,

sorry to hear about your plight and i do sympathise with your position totally. Whilei have a supportive so, she did tell me the fact i never told her at the beginning was what hurt most (almost as if i didn't trust her with my secret). I'm sure things will work out in the end, maybe ask your wife to talk to some of the so's on here!?!?

anyway there are alot of kind heartd people here who im sure will be able to help you through what could be a difficult situation.

hugs

Jo
xx

[Laurengrl01]

Whilst I will sympathise with you, I would always advocate honesty. More often than not, trouble due to "crossdressing! is nothing to do with wearing female clothing, but more about the honesty aspect. If you lied about this, what else have you lied about?
We all tell little white lies, but to hide something this big is being down right dishonest.True & I agree; However, I would think that there are more then a few of us in a similar situation, where we entered into a relationship with the thought that this was a character trait that could be elminated. For me, I did, for many years, but then the desire returned. So I certainly agree with you... discuss this BEFORE entering into a relationship, chances are this is something that won't go away. For those of us who have already made the mistake...

Face the music and lay your cards on the table.I deeply sympathize with the op, sometimes it's just not that easy. Some of us know we have an SO with (more than) a dissenting view of this. The stakes are (very) high, with everything to lose. I understand there is no easy way... I'm still looking for a good opportunity to talk about this.
Joanna, Now that she knows (I agree with Nigella), it would be best to talk this thing out; perhaps you could get a therapist involved. Best wishes on working this out.
- Lauren :hugs:

[Raychel]

This is not a great time of year to be dealing with these issues. With the stress of the holidays and all. But my advise to you is to have a nice sit down talk with her. Tell her how much you love her and that you lost your first wife due to the crossdressing, And you love her to much to lose her too. Also tell her just how long you dressing has been going on and that it is probably not going to just go away. Then she may need some time to think it over.

In the mean time I would recommend laying it low on the dressing for a while, Let her call the shots.

If there is true love in your marriage then this should be a mere stumbling block in your great lives together. You should be able to come up with an arrangemet that you both can be happy with.

I have 2 final things to say that I really hope you listen too.

First of all is that communicaton and trust is the most important part of any relationship. So talk and be truthful

Second, Keep in mind that this advise just comes from some uneducated crossdresser in Massachusetts. I may not work for you, But I will wish you the best.

:2c:
Raychel

[Shelly Preston]

Please Check the link in my signatuure


The infomation contained will help you explain things a little better I hope

Make sure you can find a stress free quiet time to discuss it

[il.dso]

Please accept my best wishes. It's such a tremendous dilemma and challenge. I wish I could recommend what to do. I can't since I have a similiar issue. Keep us posted and good luck.

[Mitzi]

You may have read my thread about being told to move out. If you two have serious compatibility issues quite apart from the crossdressing this ostensibly gives her justification to ask you to leave. If you are reasonably compatible together, I would think she will be open to working something out. If she abhors the crossdressing but is willing to stay together, you'll have to find some way to keep it out of her awareness, with her knowing it still continues. But no matter what, be honest. Once discovered it's far easier to be honest, after the initial rage has dissipated, than trying to broach the subject out of the blue.

I thought getting married would make the need to dress disappear. When it didn't, I felt trapped, in the sense that now I had a secret I had to keep from her, the woman I love and married.

As for my situation, we're still in limbo. I'm hoping she will reconsider. If so a couple of good things will have come of it. My family knows, no more secrets with them, and my wife now knows I can't stop.

Mitzi

[marykrissmithcd]

Thank you all for the advise, especially Shelly. I printed off the link you porvided for private reading and studying. I think it will help alot with our talk.

[livy_m_b]

For a slightly different point of view consider that your history shows both that you are able to control it most of the time and that you are unable to control it all the time. (Note - I'm not arguing that you should have to control it, but am taking you at face value in that you want to continue the relationship.)

Then, tell her just that - namely you can control it most of the time, but can't control it all of the time and that you want your relationship to continue and will work with her to develop guidelines so long as that doesn't mean that you will have to promise to do something that your experience has taught you you cannot fully perform. I know that with my spouse when she came to realize that there was an inability to control it completely that she became a lot more accepting and tolerant. In a sense when we promise to stop we are telling the worst lie, especially when we have lived long enough to have proven to ourselves that we really cannot. But just because we can't control it completely doesn't mean that we have to go full time either. Many couples reach a middle ground.