sexotik
12-03-2007, 09:11 AM
....cuz this might be a little long, you may want to go and get a cup of coffee before reading this . I've already introduced myself in forum, and thnz to the ladies who welcomed. :thumbsup:
This the first time I use writing as a cathartic method, as a way of letting my feelings out, hope it turns out to be fine, and u can give some advice. For the past couple of days , i've been feeling kinda down, I didn't care about whether I died, I kinda longed for it for a moment - yet I wouldn't either do anything to end my own life- and I guess that it's not ok for me to take it out on the people around me sometimes, especially my family or to keep all these feelings bottled up inside so I thought I should try to find a way of letting out my feelings, cuz there's time to change and I believe this might be the first step.
This is my story, I'm 20 years old and I feel that these 20 years have been the same, and the ensuing line sorta sums it up: "the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same". I'm a living exhibit of the typical case of the boy at highschool being teased about his sexuality, my boy classmates made fun of me cuz they thought I was gay, sounds familiar to you? I was completely sure I was not since I'd discovered that I was bisexual but I couldn't come out with anyone (not even a friend or even less a family member) because I know that if I did it, things would change and at that time I didn't want them to see me different, you know I'm still me, I will always be me; in fact I haven't told anyone about my sexual preferences and you ladies are ones of the first to know.
Throughout high school, I never had a girlfriend, and the fact that I wasn't very open about who I liked disturbed the fellas. There were girls that I liked but nothing never happened and one of the reasons is my shyness,another would be my lack of confidence in myself. Whenever my classmates-only the boys-teased me, I would always keep my calmness, I never reacted in any violent way, I would always try to ignore them. Lucky me there was a girl- who's still one of my closest and best friends- with whom I could and can speak about everything but my bisexuality, who I told about who I liked and what I would like to do with my life if I became brave enough to ask this or that girl out. I think that the fact that I confided this girl my secrets and trusted more in her than in any of them also bothered them. I still see my former classmates but I don't regard them as friends, maybe they're in between what an acquaintance and friend is: "frientance" or "acquaintriend" (ummm they don't sound too good, there's no word that would suit'em, I couldn't even come up with one in Spanish).
You wanna know what is funnier: I happen to get along better with girls when they feel like that they need and "ear" (need to come clean and talk bout their problems) than with boys and my two best friends are girls, yep, they are, I do not know why but it simply happened. Gotta confess I do believe in friendship between a man and a woman, I'm not like one of those ppl who believe that there doesn't exist such thing, in my case it does, and I'm glad cuz a true friend is hard to find and burdens become lighter through friends. Despite their teasing, when my classmates and I met at one's of them house to watch a movie, play table tennis (ping pong), drink booze and get hammered, I realized that alcohol helps ppl open up, tell what they wouldn't tell when sober, through alcohol basic instincts appear and when we had more alcohol than blood in our veins, they got sappy. They wanted to discuss what was goin' on in our lives, what we felt , who we liked, inner feelings .However, when they hadn't drunk anything they thought that open up was kinda girly and effeminate, but when they were drunk they didn't mind this. Kinda Hypocrits, LOL. If there are any ppl who always tell the truth, they must be the drunk, the loony and the kids, trust me.
The last months of the last school year were very hard, almost every day I was teased or at least there was a comment related to my sexuality; sometimes I didn't wanna go to school, I found comfort in my silence, yet I never stopped talking to my classmates and when they didn't bug me I enjoyed being around them and I knew they appreciated me, in a sick way though (am I a little masochist?). Besides, we were a very small classroom,only 15 students. There was no use stop talking to them, however had we been a larger classroom, i wouldn't have doubted it. Ok the last school year passed by and I went to college. I gotta admit that College has been better, I had a girlfriend but I decided to break up cuz I realized I didn't love her the way she did and I thought that it wasn't fair for her to completely give herself and for me to hold back, I believed that she'd be better off with someone else. We see each other almost everyday and I noticed some hints of a possible relation, but I want nothing with her besides a friendship. After her nothing never happened, there were girls I had some crushes on, but nothing never happened, maybe because I did not try hard or I had pictured something that was a little romanticesque, I thought that things were like the movies, that eventually they would come to me and confess their love. I view myself as a hopeless romantic, even though you wouldn't call me that if you knew me because I don't talk to anyone about my feelings, I gotta have a lot of trust in that person, besides I try to be masculine in my every day life- or at least I think I am. Out of this I learned that things don't change if u don't take the issue and make it happen, and once I thought "you can't change the worlds if you have contradictions"(one of my phrases, I dunno if sb else said it prior me)make up your mind and do somethin'. Here comes one of my problems: I dont' know how to change, how to build my self-esteem and start living my life, I want to but I simply can't, I dont wanna carry on with my life and be the same, alone with no girl or partner, I've spent a lot of time alon. All I can do is hold on to hope.
Wanna go to the bathroom before continuing?Go ahead, make yourselves at home wherever you are.
Right now I´m at a crossroads: I recently discovered the other side of me as a crossdresser, but if I had to label myself I'd say that I'm a bisexual. Before going on with this , let me confess this: I have the impression that there are some boys who I like and who like me back, cuz when I look at them their eyes kinda give them away, they stare at me for a moment, I can tell it because of their looks and body language; I haven't even dressed, but I 've got a round ass, and you know Latin ppl love round asses, I have a list of the boys I like and would like to have somethin with'em,hey dreaming is costless. There are also girls that I like and I also think like me, I like them physically cuz I haven’t had the chance to approach and talk to them, Ummmmmmmmmm Abril don't get your hopes up!. To sum up I sometimes feel confident and brave bout my transformation, and sometimes I think it’ll never take place.
My crossdressing came out as one day I was flipping channels and stopped on one in which there was a talk about crossdressing and they showed a web site that dealt with this (if u want, check it out www.crossdressingbsas.com.ar, there's an English version). Since then I've been reading a lot about it, and one of the topics that drew my attention the most was "tucking", I've signed up in web sites like this in order to make friends. What is more, lemme tell you that I "daydream" (love this compound verbs, luv the fact that you English-speaking ppl make verbs outta anything) everyday about my (far off) transformation, about what I would like to wear ( I have some outfis in mind and they are a lil' ****ty). I would love to go dancing or to eat out (gay or bisexual places, not straight ones, some straight people are still narrow-minded) I keep thinking that I might be a "head turner" an "eyebrow raiser" or at least that ppl who saw me would "jawdrop", (should I believe this, or am Ijust fooling myself?). However before reaching this, I need to raise some money (gotta find a job or at least a gig!!!!!!). I also have to mastermind a plan to achieve my goal, I must mastermind a good one to fulfill this objective as I wouldn't crossdress in my city (110% aware and sure of this) cuz I'm afraid that sb might see me and begin to tease my lil' brother,or get the wrong impression. When I think about this I feel elated, I feel confident enough that I might pull this off eventually, but the sooner the better. But sometimes I see some tv or some girls that are so beautiful, and everything crumbles, I second guess and wondered if I should ever crossdress. I feel I cannot compete with them and that I would be unattractive, but then I think there's plenty of room for everybody and no need for competition, and there are ppl who like women, there are others who like both genders, and there are others who would like to have some sort of experience with a tv/ts/cd. I don't wanna get my hopes up. This was my second problem.
Already tired of reading? Wanna strecth out? Feel free.
The other day I was reminiscing about when my crossdressing might've popped up, and I recall I once tried on the shoes of my mom, didn't eveybody start here???!!! and on another occassion with a friend I put a towel on my head and we pretended it was long hair, and he pretended to comb it. This was weird I remember we were several children playing at his house, and I thought I was a female character from a soup-opera. I also read here, I remember correctly that when some cd were young, they desired to be girls; I also once saw a shooting star -or sth I thought was one-and asked to be a girl, there's a belief in my country that when u receive a present or also when blowing the candles at your birthday party, you have 3 wishes: Guess what I always asked: to be a girl!!! Perhaps cding is the answer to my wish, my way out.
In modern society, people waste no time when it comes to passing judgements on what is different from them and labeling it as "wrong" or "not normal", I have an uncle who's gay, a drag queen, and I don't know if he's been an indirect influence on me since I never had much contact with him, guess no. He dressed with sequin apparels and falshy make up, all the family was aware of this and supported him, but I never thought of dressing as a drag queen. Some people who critize what is different, espcially in my country who criticize transvestites, deep down they are eager to bump into one and have some type of sexual "sexperience".
The first time I saw a crossdresser was on tv, it was a tall lady walking out on the street and suddenly the interviewer/ journalist came up to this person and asked the cd if he was gay, to which he replied he wasn't and that s/he liked to let out his feminine side, I was puzzled, dressed in a skirt and make-up on, but not gay?????????ummmmmmmm, how strange. The reporter next asked the cd whether s/he had a family and s/he answered that his wife knew about it and respected him and that s/he sometimes went to an apartment to dress. The reporter was astounded -like me -after asking these questions the cd kept walking as if nothing had taken place, ladies that is "a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e", she worked it. I wanna nail it like that
To wrap it up, I'm much of a believer that things happen for a reason and that if God, fate, the universe, destiny or whatever is there outside controlling our future wanted me to know about crossdressing this means that I should do it so as to explore this side of me and let the inner girl out. In addition, there are things meant to happen and it seemed that everything pointed me in this directiom, I'm glad that I learnt English and that I can write in English, and you know sth, evrey day I (day)dream that one day I'll meet one of you (either cuz you'll come to my country or I'll go the States, Canada or Britain)and we'll go out and tell our experiences. Well I guess this is all for now, if you read the whole confession, thank u for being my shrink and my confident, now you gotta double promise (still loving these compound verbs) that you won't tell anybody and if you can gimme some viewpoint , advice on it, if you have some or want.
xoxoxoxox Besos, Abril, a.k.a. sexotik.
PS: Why can't I send a private message to the ladies or even see their profiles? Every time I try,this message pops up ....
You are not logged in or you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:
You are not logged in. Fill in the form at the bottom of this page and try again.
You may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.
why ?
PS2:Thnx for reading, and you will hear of me, I mean read of me in the threads or I will be posting my queries on different issues. I will also comment on your questions.
PS3: In case you didn't understand anything , ask me.
PS4: I wonder: "Have I found my place in the world since I discovered I'm a cd?"
PS5: I needed to get it off my breast, I meant my chest.*sigh*
PS6: Bye :D
This the first time I use writing as a cathartic method, as a way of letting my feelings out, hope it turns out to be fine, and u can give some advice. For the past couple of days , i've been feeling kinda down, I didn't care about whether I died, I kinda longed for it for a moment - yet I wouldn't either do anything to end my own life- and I guess that it's not ok for me to take it out on the people around me sometimes, especially my family or to keep all these feelings bottled up inside so I thought I should try to find a way of letting out my feelings, cuz there's time to change and I believe this might be the first step.
This is my story, I'm 20 years old and I feel that these 20 years have been the same, and the ensuing line sorta sums it up: "the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same". I'm a living exhibit of the typical case of the boy at highschool being teased about his sexuality, my boy classmates made fun of me cuz they thought I was gay, sounds familiar to you? I was completely sure I was not since I'd discovered that I was bisexual but I couldn't come out with anyone (not even a friend or even less a family member) because I know that if I did it, things would change and at that time I didn't want them to see me different, you know I'm still me, I will always be me; in fact I haven't told anyone about my sexual preferences and you ladies are ones of the first to know.
Throughout high school, I never had a girlfriend, and the fact that I wasn't very open about who I liked disturbed the fellas. There were girls that I liked but nothing never happened and one of the reasons is my shyness,another would be my lack of confidence in myself. Whenever my classmates-only the boys-teased me, I would always keep my calmness, I never reacted in any violent way, I would always try to ignore them. Lucky me there was a girl- who's still one of my closest and best friends- with whom I could and can speak about everything but my bisexuality, who I told about who I liked and what I would like to do with my life if I became brave enough to ask this or that girl out. I think that the fact that I confided this girl my secrets and trusted more in her than in any of them also bothered them. I still see my former classmates but I don't regard them as friends, maybe they're in between what an acquaintance and friend is: "frientance" or "acquaintriend" (ummm they don't sound too good, there's no word that would suit'em, I couldn't even come up with one in Spanish).
You wanna know what is funnier: I happen to get along better with girls when they feel like that they need and "ear" (need to come clean and talk bout their problems) than with boys and my two best friends are girls, yep, they are, I do not know why but it simply happened. Gotta confess I do believe in friendship between a man and a woman, I'm not like one of those ppl who believe that there doesn't exist such thing, in my case it does, and I'm glad cuz a true friend is hard to find and burdens become lighter through friends. Despite their teasing, when my classmates and I met at one's of them house to watch a movie, play table tennis (ping pong), drink booze and get hammered, I realized that alcohol helps ppl open up, tell what they wouldn't tell when sober, through alcohol basic instincts appear and when we had more alcohol than blood in our veins, they got sappy. They wanted to discuss what was goin' on in our lives, what we felt , who we liked, inner feelings .However, when they hadn't drunk anything they thought that open up was kinda girly and effeminate, but when they were drunk they didn't mind this. Kinda Hypocrits, LOL. If there are any ppl who always tell the truth, they must be the drunk, the loony and the kids, trust me.
The last months of the last school year were very hard, almost every day I was teased or at least there was a comment related to my sexuality; sometimes I didn't wanna go to school, I found comfort in my silence, yet I never stopped talking to my classmates and when they didn't bug me I enjoyed being around them and I knew they appreciated me, in a sick way though (am I a little masochist?). Besides, we were a very small classroom,only 15 students. There was no use stop talking to them, however had we been a larger classroom, i wouldn't have doubted it. Ok the last school year passed by and I went to college. I gotta admit that College has been better, I had a girlfriend but I decided to break up cuz I realized I didn't love her the way she did and I thought that it wasn't fair for her to completely give herself and for me to hold back, I believed that she'd be better off with someone else. We see each other almost everyday and I noticed some hints of a possible relation, but I want nothing with her besides a friendship. After her nothing never happened, there were girls I had some crushes on, but nothing never happened, maybe because I did not try hard or I had pictured something that was a little romanticesque, I thought that things were like the movies, that eventually they would come to me and confess their love. I view myself as a hopeless romantic, even though you wouldn't call me that if you knew me because I don't talk to anyone about my feelings, I gotta have a lot of trust in that person, besides I try to be masculine in my every day life- or at least I think I am. Out of this I learned that things don't change if u don't take the issue and make it happen, and once I thought "you can't change the worlds if you have contradictions"(one of my phrases, I dunno if sb else said it prior me)make up your mind and do somethin'. Here comes one of my problems: I dont' know how to change, how to build my self-esteem and start living my life, I want to but I simply can't, I dont wanna carry on with my life and be the same, alone with no girl or partner, I've spent a lot of time alon. All I can do is hold on to hope.
Wanna go to the bathroom before continuing?Go ahead, make yourselves at home wherever you are.
Right now I´m at a crossroads: I recently discovered the other side of me as a crossdresser, but if I had to label myself I'd say that I'm a bisexual. Before going on with this , let me confess this: I have the impression that there are some boys who I like and who like me back, cuz when I look at them their eyes kinda give them away, they stare at me for a moment, I can tell it because of their looks and body language; I haven't even dressed, but I 've got a round ass, and you know Latin ppl love round asses, I have a list of the boys I like and would like to have somethin with'em,hey dreaming is costless. There are also girls that I like and I also think like me, I like them physically cuz I haven’t had the chance to approach and talk to them, Ummmmmmmmmm Abril don't get your hopes up!. To sum up I sometimes feel confident and brave bout my transformation, and sometimes I think it’ll never take place.
My crossdressing came out as one day I was flipping channels and stopped on one in which there was a talk about crossdressing and they showed a web site that dealt with this (if u want, check it out www.crossdressingbsas.com.ar, there's an English version). Since then I've been reading a lot about it, and one of the topics that drew my attention the most was "tucking", I've signed up in web sites like this in order to make friends. What is more, lemme tell you that I "daydream" (love this compound verbs, luv the fact that you English-speaking ppl make verbs outta anything) everyday about my (far off) transformation, about what I would like to wear ( I have some outfis in mind and they are a lil' ****ty). I would love to go dancing or to eat out (gay or bisexual places, not straight ones, some straight people are still narrow-minded) I keep thinking that I might be a "head turner" an "eyebrow raiser" or at least that ppl who saw me would "jawdrop", (should I believe this, or am Ijust fooling myself?). However before reaching this, I need to raise some money (gotta find a job or at least a gig!!!!!!). I also have to mastermind a plan to achieve my goal, I must mastermind a good one to fulfill this objective as I wouldn't crossdress in my city (110% aware and sure of this) cuz I'm afraid that sb might see me and begin to tease my lil' brother,or get the wrong impression. When I think about this I feel elated, I feel confident enough that I might pull this off eventually, but the sooner the better. But sometimes I see some tv or some girls that are so beautiful, and everything crumbles, I second guess and wondered if I should ever crossdress. I feel I cannot compete with them and that I would be unattractive, but then I think there's plenty of room for everybody and no need for competition, and there are ppl who like women, there are others who like both genders, and there are others who would like to have some sort of experience with a tv/ts/cd. I don't wanna get my hopes up. This was my second problem.
Already tired of reading? Wanna strecth out? Feel free.
The other day I was reminiscing about when my crossdressing might've popped up, and I recall I once tried on the shoes of my mom, didn't eveybody start here???!!! and on another occassion with a friend I put a towel on my head and we pretended it was long hair, and he pretended to comb it. This was weird I remember we were several children playing at his house, and I thought I was a female character from a soup-opera. I also read here, I remember correctly that when some cd were young, they desired to be girls; I also once saw a shooting star -or sth I thought was one-and asked to be a girl, there's a belief in my country that when u receive a present or also when blowing the candles at your birthday party, you have 3 wishes: Guess what I always asked: to be a girl!!! Perhaps cding is the answer to my wish, my way out.
In modern society, people waste no time when it comes to passing judgements on what is different from them and labeling it as "wrong" or "not normal", I have an uncle who's gay, a drag queen, and I don't know if he's been an indirect influence on me since I never had much contact with him, guess no. He dressed with sequin apparels and falshy make up, all the family was aware of this and supported him, but I never thought of dressing as a drag queen. Some people who critize what is different, espcially in my country who criticize transvestites, deep down they are eager to bump into one and have some type of sexual "sexperience".
The first time I saw a crossdresser was on tv, it was a tall lady walking out on the street and suddenly the interviewer/ journalist came up to this person and asked the cd if he was gay, to which he replied he wasn't and that s/he liked to let out his feminine side, I was puzzled, dressed in a skirt and make-up on, but not gay?????????ummmmmmmm, how strange. The reporter next asked the cd whether s/he had a family and s/he answered that his wife knew about it and respected him and that s/he sometimes went to an apartment to dress. The reporter was astounded -like me -after asking these questions the cd kept walking as if nothing had taken place, ladies that is "a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e", she worked it. I wanna nail it like that
To wrap it up, I'm much of a believer that things happen for a reason and that if God, fate, the universe, destiny or whatever is there outside controlling our future wanted me to know about crossdressing this means that I should do it so as to explore this side of me and let the inner girl out. In addition, there are things meant to happen and it seemed that everything pointed me in this directiom, I'm glad that I learnt English and that I can write in English, and you know sth, evrey day I (day)dream that one day I'll meet one of you (either cuz you'll come to my country or I'll go the States, Canada or Britain)and we'll go out and tell our experiences. Well I guess this is all for now, if you read the whole confession, thank u for being my shrink and my confident, now you gotta double promise (still loving these compound verbs) that you won't tell anybody and if you can gimme some viewpoint , advice on it, if you have some or want.
xoxoxoxox Besos, Abril, a.k.a. sexotik.
PS: Why can't I send a private message to the ladies or even see their profiles? Every time I try,this message pops up ....
You are not logged in or you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:
You are not logged in. Fill in the form at the bottom of this page and try again.
You may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.
why ?
PS2:Thnx for reading, and you will hear of me, I mean read of me in the threads or I will be posting my queries on different issues. I will also comment on your questions.
PS3: In case you didn't understand anything , ask me.
PS4: I wonder: "Have I found my place in the world since I discovered I'm a cd?"
PS5: I needed to get it off my breast, I meant my chest.*sigh*
PS6: Bye :D