Self Acceptance

[MichelleBolton]

First things first, I would like to introduce myself - I'm Michelle. I am transgendered, and have known since I was about 9 years old that I am. I'm new to the forum, and am glad to be here.

I've been doing reading on the forum, and I see a wonderful place of amazing supportive people.

My thoughts are about self acceptance of being transgendered. I've fought with this my entire life, I remember back when I was nine, asking my mom questions about being a girl, and what it is like. The answer she gave me told me not the bring it up with her - so I didn't bury the feelings, just kept them to myself.

At some point I started to label the feelings as 'sick' - told myself not to think such thoughts... Fast forward to today, I've been in Therapy for almost five years now, going thru a divorce that is almost complete for just over two years. In my time in Therapy, I've been dealing with self acceptance, and find that in go thru stages in which I try to not accept an purge. I call these 180 degree shifts, simply trying to bury the feelings - each time the feelings come back stronger.

I have been learning, and have to acceptance of being trangendered. I have been on and off hormones, currently not on hormones but have a strong need to get back to physical transition.

I grew up in a home that is not very accepting of things outside of norms. I am the third child of three boys - always stayed close to my mom, and had a great relationship with her when I was growing up. My Father and brothers, I would describe as very overpowering male figures - which I always tried to fit in, but didn't - I could wear the mask - but it wasn't me.

In transition, I've always thought that I would be attracted to women, and couldn't find myself attracted to men, nor would I want to be. I couldn't see myself expressing my sexuality with a man in the same way other woman do. The thought of doing specific sexual acts with men, I won't describe them, I couldn't see myself doing.

With acceptance of myself, and in the past 6 to 9 months, I have seen a huge shift in my feelings and thinking about my sexuality once I have transitioned.

I now am finding that I am attracted to men, and do see myself doing all that other women do with men sexually.

I've never thought that I would be much of a girly, girl - externally. Yet, in this too, I find that as I express self more and more - that I range from Jeans and T-Shirt girl, to wanting to be dressed in that wonderful evening dress.

I've thought, I'm not one much to pamper self, and I'm not one of those girls who will keep everyone waiting while she gets ready. Yet, my routine each day, get longer, and longer - and I'm loving it.

So, I am wondering girls - if other have had such experiences? I was convinced going into this that I would end up being lesbian - now, I'm convinced that I will end up once I am done transition, a hetrosexual female - and I am looking forward to it.

Thoughts?

I wonder what else will change in this journey?

Huggs, Michelle.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Michelle

I'd first like to welcome you here, it's very nice to meet you and have you join us, and it's nice to see you diving right in.

I think that most of us can relate to what you're feeling, so you're certainly not alone. I felt the same but I acted on it before I transitioned, I tried being with men because as a woman inside it felt like the natural thing to do, and there's nothing wrong with that. This lasted for quite some time, I can't say that it was all enjoyable but at times it was. I'm now happily married and a post-op, and I will be spending the rest of my life with my SO, I no longer have any desire for men, just my Kat.

It's all right to explore you're sexuality, and you really should because you've already seen what suppressing your feelings can do for you. The important thing is finding self acceptance, everything else will fall into place with that.

Karen Starlene

[Cai]

I'm coming at this from the other side, but it seems we have a lot in common.

I can definitely understand what you mean with sexuality changing as you become more comfortable. I was sure I would continue to be 100% into men, and just be gay. But now as I interact more and more as male, the idea of a relationship with a woman moved into "intriguing" territory. I don't know where that's going to go, but it no longer seems strange to contemplate being with women.

As far as the morning routine, it's interesting, but I spend more time getting into male mode than I ever did as a girl. I think it's because I care what I look like now. I want to look good. Before, I couldn't ever look good (so I thought) so it didn't matter what I did, and I wouldn't bother trying. Now, I take the time to iron my khakis, carry a comb in my pocket, and make sure all my clothes co-ordinate. It's definitely related to acceptance - plus, I like how I look in the mirror these days. :p

[Sharon]

There's an awful lot that you write that could describe me also, Michelle, and many others here as well. Yes, you are quite correct about the necessity of self-acceptance and its need to be a priority before dealing with everything else that the transgendered need to deal with.

I welcome you to the forum and I look forward to getting to know even more about you.:happy: