jessbcuzz
12-05-2007, 02:20 AM
Yes, the title is correct. I all most died twice this week. Call it suicide if you will. Twice this week, I had bagged all of "her" stuff up and put it in the trash. The second time was less than 4 hours ago. I knew that the trash collector would be here in the morning while I would be fast asleep, and that would be the end of her. Franticly, I went out to the trash, and brought everything back in, again. I know getting rid of everything is purging. I've done that once, about 4 years ago. Knowing what I know now, I wish I wouldn't have. Not only was it a major loss financially, but there were things that I can no longer get. I did it then all for a GG that I loved at the time and will all ways love. I knew she'd never accept the woman in me, so I tried to kill her off. That didn't work, and when she came back, she killed my relationship and is the major reason why I haven't been able to see my daughter in 3 years.
They say time heals everything. I feel so secure when "her" and I are together. I had finally gotten to the point where I would tell certain people about "her". Most GG's would say "sorry, if that is want u want, it won't be with me". I had gotten to the point that is was like "oh, well". This is me. I can still recall the first time, back in my pre-teen years, that I "she" came out. I still recall my parents catching me back then. That moment is so strong in my head, that I can recall the details better than what I can recall what I had for dinner today.
3 years, I met the GG of my dreams. I was open and told her about "her". She stated that there is a lot of worse things that one can do. She meet "her" one night, and she noticed how intense things were with "her" being out. She liked the fact that with "her" being a part of my life, it was a benefit for her. She liked that fact that we could go in women stores. She liked the fact I could relate to the things a women wants and needs. She let me borrow her things. She even bought us matching toe rings, and she also got me a bottle of her favorite perfume, Love Spell. The only problem she would have with "her" is if "she" she became before. That was three years ago.
At some point since then, we have come upon rough times. I view it as it being rough like coming up short on payday. To her, it's rough like a coastal town with a category 5 hurricane coming ashore. She says that "she" has come before her for the last time. This isn't the first time she has felt this way. From previous fits of rage because of "her", I try to keep her bottled up as much as possible. However, the last time that she came down to visit and spend the night, she was very harsh towards me. She had gotten a bad vibe that she felt that I had wanted "her" there that night more that I had wanted her being there. I rarely want things that way. However, according to her, what I was saying in my sleep contradicted what I say. Since then, we have been walking through out life on egg shells, and it seems like I am breaking the ones I step on, because of "her". Is "she" the sole reason why the eggshells are breaking when I step on them? Not totally, but the force is much harder. The majority of our problems would be solved if "she" would just die.
I have tried to "kill" "her" twice this week. The first time, I didn't put much thought into packing "her" things and kicking her out of my home. It's winter here, and I didn't have the heart to do it. Knowing that "she" would be back, as she has in the past. So, I let her back into my home.
I have been off work the last three day because I am ill. It has given me time to reflect what is going on, and how much of life I have missed because of "her". We don't do a lot of things my GG friend wants to do because of "her". I don't do pools or the beach because of my painted toes and toe rings. I don't go shirtless because I am 33 and try to keep it shaved as much as possible. The bellybutton ring was a factor as well, until it got ripped out. I am sure if I get the tattoo that I want on my lower back will be "putting 'her' first". I can't do water parks because the only hair on my body is my head and arms. Other than this issue, my GG friend and I see the things of life same. When I look into her eyes, I see what she see's out of life. But if we both look deeper, we see "her". She see the problems with "her". I see "her" as a part of my life, that has been a part of my life in some shape or form since the pre-teen years. I honestly don't know when "she" became before her. Things were great when she would get on here and realize that there were GG's on here that supported the "her" in everyone's life on here. Now, it has become my demon according to her views and belief.
I thought about how my GG friend feels the past couple of days as I wait for this illness to pass so that I can go back to work. Maybe she is right, and that "she" needs to go. So, once again, I bagged everything up, and kicked her to the curb. The trash collector will be here in the morning, and "she" will be taken to the landfill to be buried with all of the other trash that man creates... so I thought. Not even 2 hours later, I went out to the curb and brought her back in from the cold. It is winter here, and cold. There is snow on the ground. I went out with no coat, in shorts and flip flops, to bring "her" in from the cold and certain destruction. I hadn't been with "her" for three days since I have been ill. I invited her back into my home, and helped "her" put her things away. I told "her" that "she" had to move most of "her" things into the spare bedroom. I told "her" that I was sorry, but I don't know how much longer "she" will be able to stay. Life is too short to be alone.
It is so hard to say good-bye to something that has been a part of our life since who knows when. I just can't let "her" go. I am wondering if I can really ever do that. I tried it once, and it failed. If I do it again, I know "she" will be back, at some point. I don't know if I can keep looking in the rear view mirror and seeing "her" there with the person that I love and want to be with in the front passenger seat. When I brought "her" back in from the cold tonight, it was so calming, as my body warmed "her" clothes, even as I was talking to my GG friend. I had told her last week that 99.9% of "her" would be out of our lives. She stated that she had heard that before. Yes, she is right, and "she" is still here. What is going to happen from here on out, I don't know. All I know is that when "she" almost died twice this week, I was going right along with "her". Is love worth "killing" the part of us that has been with us longer than the love that we have found? Does "she" have such an influence that it out ways the normalities of life? I am far from passable, and will never amount more to than being a home body CD. I don't mind that, to be honest. I recall the day that my parents caught me wearing on of my sisters leotards and sequin skirt. That was way before the GG friend came into my life. A choice is going to have to be made. It is going to have to be made soon. If I could pinpoint where things went wrong, it suppose it would be easier, but I can't.
If it is a matter of putting her first before "she" comes first, things would be better. Right now, she lives out of town. about 30 miles away to be exact. So, for the most part, I can work on putting her first before "she" comes first, but for how long, I don't know. We are engaged, but I don't know if I can "kill 'her'". What to do? What to do? What to do? They say the third time is a charm. I don't know if "she" can be put to the curb a third time.
They say time heals everything. I feel so secure when "her" and I are together. I had finally gotten to the point where I would tell certain people about "her". Most GG's would say "sorry, if that is want u want, it won't be with me". I had gotten to the point that is was like "oh, well". This is me. I can still recall the first time, back in my pre-teen years, that I "she" came out. I still recall my parents catching me back then. That moment is so strong in my head, that I can recall the details better than what I can recall what I had for dinner today.
3 years, I met the GG of my dreams. I was open and told her about "her". She stated that there is a lot of worse things that one can do. She meet "her" one night, and she noticed how intense things were with "her" being out. She liked the fact that with "her" being a part of my life, it was a benefit for her. She liked that fact that we could go in women stores. She liked the fact I could relate to the things a women wants and needs. She let me borrow her things. She even bought us matching toe rings, and she also got me a bottle of her favorite perfume, Love Spell. The only problem she would have with "her" is if "she" she became before. That was three years ago.
At some point since then, we have come upon rough times. I view it as it being rough like coming up short on payday. To her, it's rough like a coastal town with a category 5 hurricane coming ashore. She says that "she" has come before her for the last time. This isn't the first time she has felt this way. From previous fits of rage because of "her", I try to keep her bottled up as much as possible. However, the last time that she came down to visit and spend the night, she was very harsh towards me. She had gotten a bad vibe that she felt that I had wanted "her" there that night more that I had wanted her being there. I rarely want things that way. However, according to her, what I was saying in my sleep contradicted what I say. Since then, we have been walking through out life on egg shells, and it seems like I am breaking the ones I step on, because of "her". Is "she" the sole reason why the eggshells are breaking when I step on them? Not totally, but the force is much harder. The majority of our problems would be solved if "she" would just die.
I have tried to "kill" "her" twice this week. The first time, I didn't put much thought into packing "her" things and kicking her out of my home. It's winter here, and I didn't have the heart to do it. Knowing that "she" would be back, as she has in the past. So, I let her back into my home.
I have been off work the last three day because I am ill. It has given me time to reflect what is going on, and how much of life I have missed because of "her". We don't do a lot of things my GG friend wants to do because of "her". I don't do pools or the beach because of my painted toes and toe rings. I don't go shirtless because I am 33 and try to keep it shaved as much as possible. The bellybutton ring was a factor as well, until it got ripped out. I am sure if I get the tattoo that I want on my lower back will be "putting 'her' first". I can't do water parks because the only hair on my body is my head and arms. Other than this issue, my GG friend and I see the things of life same. When I look into her eyes, I see what she see's out of life. But if we both look deeper, we see "her". She see the problems with "her". I see "her" as a part of my life, that has been a part of my life in some shape or form since the pre-teen years. I honestly don't know when "she" became before her. Things were great when she would get on here and realize that there were GG's on here that supported the "her" in everyone's life on here. Now, it has become my demon according to her views and belief.
I thought about how my GG friend feels the past couple of days as I wait for this illness to pass so that I can go back to work. Maybe she is right, and that "she" needs to go. So, once again, I bagged everything up, and kicked her to the curb. The trash collector will be here in the morning, and "she" will be taken to the landfill to be buried with all of the other trash that man creates... so I thought. Not even 2 hours later, I went out to the curb and brought her back in from the cold. It is winter here, and cold. There is snow on the ground. I went out with no coat, in shorts and flip flops, to bring "her" in from the cold and certain destruction. I hadn't been with "her" for three days since I have been ill. I invited her back into my home, and helped "her" put her things away. I told "her" that "she" had to move most of "her" things into the spare bedroom. I told "her" that I was sorry, but I don't know how much longer "she" will be able to stay. Life is too short to be alone.
It is so hard to say good-bye to something that has been a part of our life since who knows when. I just can't let "her" go. I am wondering if I can really ever do that. I tried it once, and it failed. If I do it again, I know "she" will be back, at some point. I don't know if I can keep looking in the rear view mirror and seeing "her" there with the person that I love and want to be with in the front passenger seat. When I brought "her" back in from the cold tonight, it was so calming, as my body warmed "her" clothes, even as I was talking to my GG friend. I had told her last week that 99.9% of "her" would be out of our lives. She stated that she had heard that before. Yes, she is right, and "she" is still here. What is going to happen from here on out, I don't know. All I know is that when "she" almost died twice this week, I was going right along with "her". Is love worth "killing" the part of us that has been with us longer than the love that we have found? Does "she" have such an influence that it out ways the normalities of life? I am far from passable, and will never amount more to than being a home body CD. I don't mind that, to be honest. I recall the day that my parents caught me wearing on of my sisters leotards and sequin skirt. That was way before the GG friend came into my life. A choice is going to have to be made. It is going to have to be made soon. If I could pinpoint where things went wrong, it suppose it would be easier, but I can't.
If it is a matter of putting her first before "she" comes first, things would be better. Right now, she lives out of town. about 30 miles away to be exact. So, for the most part, I can work on putting her first before "she" comes first, but for how long, I don't know. We are engaged, but I don't know if I can "kill 'her'". What to do? What to do? What to do? They say the third time is a charm. I don't know if "she" can be put to the curb a third time.