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jessbcuzz
12-05-2007, 02:20 AM
Yes, the title is correct. I all most died twice this week. Call it suicide if you will. Twice this week, I had bagged all of "her" stuff up and put it in the trash. The second time was less than 4 hours ago. I knew that the trash collector would be here in the morning while I would be fast asleep, and that would be the end of her. Franticly, I went out to the trash, and brought everything back in, again. I know getting rid of everything is purging. I've done that once, about 4 years ago. Knowing what I know now, I wish I wouldn't have. Not only was it a major loss financially, but there were things that I can no longer get. I did it then all for a GG that I loved at the time and will all ways love. I knew she'd never accept the woman in me, so I tried to kill her off. That didn't work, and when she came back, she killed my relationship and is the major reason why I haven't been able to see my daughter in 3 years.

They say time heals everything. I feel so secure when "her" and I are together. I had finally gotten to the point where I would tell certain people about "her". Most GG's would say "sorry, if that is want u want, it won't be with me". I had gotten to the point that is was like "oh, well". This is me. I can still recall the first time, back in my pre-teen years, that I "she" came out. I still recall my parents catching me back then. That moment is so strong in my head, that I can recall the details better than what I can recall what I had for dinner today.

3 years, I met the GG of my dreams. I was open and told her about "her". She stated that there is a lot of worse things that one can do. She meet "her" one night, and she noticed how intense things were with "her" being out. She liked the fact that with "her" being a part of my life, it was a benefit for her. She liked that fact that we could go in women stores. She liked the fact I could relate to the things a women wants and needs. She let me borrow her things. She even bought us matching toe rings, and she also got me a bottle of her favorite perfume, Love Spell. The only problem she would have with "her" is if "she" she became before. That was three years ago.

At some point since then, we have come upon rough times. I view it as it being rough like coming up short on payday. To her, it's rough like a coastal town with a category 5 hurricane coming ashore. She says that "she" has come before her for the last time. This isn't the first time she has felt this way. From previous fits of rage because of "her", I try to keep her bottled up as much as possible. However, the last time that she came down to visit and spend the night, she was very harsh towards me. She had gotten a bad vibe that she felt that I had wanted "her" there that night more that I had wanted her being there. I rarely want things that way. However, according to her, what I was saying in my sleep contradicted what I say. Since then, we have been walking through out life on egg shells, and it seems like I am breaking the ones I step on, because of "her". Is "she" the sole reason why the eggshells are breaking when I step on them? Not totally, but the force is much harder. The majority of our problems would be solved if "she" would just die.

I have tried to "kill" "her" twice this week. The first time, I didn't put much thought into packing "her" things and kicking her out of my home. It's winter here, and I didn't have the heart to do it. Knowing that "she" would be back, as she has in the past. So, I let her back into my home.

I have been off work the last three day because I am ill. It has given me time to reflect what is going on, and how much of life I have missed because of "her". We don't do a lot of things my GG friend wants to do because of "her". I don't do pools or the beach because of my painted toes and toe rings. I don't go shirtless because I am 33 and try to keep it shaved as much as possible. The bellybutton ring was a factor as well, until it got ripped out. I am sure if I get the tattoo that I want on my lower back will be "putting 'her' first". I can't do water parks because the only hair on my body is my head and arms. Other than this issue, my GG friend and I see the things of life same. When I look into her eyes, I see what she see's out of life. But if we both look deeper, we see "her". She see the problems with "her". I see "her" as a part of my life, that has been a part of my life in some shape or form since the pre-teen years. I honestly don't know when "she" became before her. Things were great when she would get on here and realize that there were GG's on here that supported the "her" in everyone's life on here. Now, it has become my demon according to her views and belief.

I thought about how my GG friend feels the past couple of days as I wait for this illness to pass so that I can go back to work. Maybe she is right, and that "she" needs to go. So, once again, I bagged everything up, and kicked her to the curb. The trash collector will be here in the morning, and "she" will be taken to the landfill to be buried with all of the other trash that man creates... so I thought. Not even 2 hours later, I went out to the curb and brought her back in from the cold. It is winter here, and cold. There is snow on the ground. I went out with no coat, in shorts and flip flops, to bring "her" in from the cold and certain destruction. I hadn't been with "her" for three days since I have been ill. I invited her back into my home, and helped "her" put her things away. I told "her" that "she" had to move most of "her" things into the spare bedroom. I told "her" that I was sorry, but I don't know how much longer "she" will be able to stay. Life is too short to be alone.

It is so hard to say good-bye to something that has been a part of our life since who knows when. I just can't let "her" go. I am wondering if I can really ever do that. I tried it once, and it failed. If I do it again, I know "she" will be back, at some point. I don't know if I can keep looking in the rear view mirror and seeing "her" there with the person that I love and want to be with in the front passenger seat. When I brought "her" back in from the cold tonight, it was so calming, as my body warmed "her" clothes, even as I was talking to my GG friend. I had told her last week that 99.9% of "her" would be out of our lives. She stated that she had heard that before. Yes, she is right, and "she" is still here. What is going to happen from here on out, I don't know. All I know is that when "she" almost died twice this week, I was going right along with "her". Is love worth "killing" the part of us that has been with us longer than the love that we have found? Does "she" have such an influence that it out ways the normalities of life? I am far from passable, and will never amount more to than being a home body CD. I don't mind that, to be honest. I recall the day that my parents caught me wearing on of my sisters leotards and sequin skirt. That was way before the GG friend came into my life. A choice is going to have to be made. It is going to have to be made soon. If I could pinpoint where things went wrong, it suppose it would be easier, but I can't.

If it is a matter of putting her first before "she" comes first, things would be better. Right now, she lives out of town. about 30 miles away to be exact. So, for the most part, I can work on putting her first before "she" comes first, but for how long, I don't know. We are engaged, but I don't know if I can "kill 'her'". What to do? What to do? What to do? They say the third time is a charm. I don't know if "she" can be put to the curb a third time.

Michelia
12-05-2007, 02:34 AM
It sounds like you would be killing part of yourself. Is it worth it, even if you could ever really do it?

You need balance.

Who said you cannot go to the beach or the pool with a shirt on? I have been doing it most of my life because I am sensitive to the sun. No one has ever said anything to me. That includes water parks. You can clean the polish off your toes to do this. It takes 10 mins to put polish back on.

It sounds like you are a bit "selfish" in your crossdressing and this is what is killing your relationship. Put your wife first, then "her".

It sounds like you have a good SO. Make her feel special.

Michelia

Kate Simmons
12-05-2007, 03:01 AM
Not easy is it? The feelings can be overwhealming sometimes and "she" can take over your life if you allow it. It's a tough one and this is where I was a few years ago. I realized it was part of me and I couldn't kill it. It would be like trying to function normally after a lobotomy, even if I was successful. No way to live really.

I realized I had to get some kind of control to manage the feelings, so worked hard at amalgamating them. It was not easy but I eventually achieved balance. I decided to look at everything matter of factly and learned not to take it all so seriously and made this part of myself a fun thing. I think sometimes, we lose sight of the things that make us happy when we think too much and are too intense about it.

I eventually developed the attitude that I do this for myself, it makes me happy and I don't make a big deal out of it. By previously letting it dominate my thinking, I lost my family and friends. I've learned from that and the fact that life does not revolve around me. People have become important to me and I cherish relationships. These days, it's a "no brainer" for me and my loved ones come first. That doesn't mean I totally ignore my femme feelings, it just means I embrace them from a different perspective. All things are possible but not all things are attainable without hard work and effort.:happy:

DawnRodgers
12-05-2007, 03:04 AM
I agree hon. You have to show the feminine side of yourself by being more free and more considerate of her wants and needs. The only hair I have is on my head (unfirtunately that is leaving me too) and I live in Florida. I wear shorts and tank tops all of the time, go swimming often and don't even think about being hairless over my body. Yes, toes polished to can be cleaned off and redone. I'm sure that you'd love to be out and about and showing them off but you do have to give on some things. Heck, body jewelry is even acceptable to some degree. Pierced ears and other things. If people ask - just say that's your thing. It's really not their business anyway. Ive been married to the same woman for 42 years now. She knows, has known for ovwer 25 years, doesn't understand or like it but I do keep it a little lower key when she's around. She has seen me fuklly dressed on occassion, but all we do is play a board game or cards or watch TV. I would love to do more with her but appreciate that she has lines that I can't cross. As far as going out and about as Dawn, that has to be saved for times when she is not around.
If you really love your wife then you will also try to compromise. It sounds as if she can tolerate some things but draws the line at others. If you truly want to stay together, then you will try to work out a compromise that both of you can live with without giving up your other self- almost impossible, at least for many of us.
Promising and trying to live without our feminine selves is, in my opinion, impossible. But, if you truly love her, you will do what you can to keep her away from your wife and your relationship with her if she doesn't want it. If you can't live like that, well that's a decision you have to make.
Dawn.
Good luck with whatever you decide on.

Bethany_Anne_Fae
12-05-2007, 03:29 AM
=If it is a matter of putting her first before "she" comes first, things would be better. Right now, she lives out of town. about 30 miles away to be exact. So, for the most part, I can work on putting her first before "she" comes first, but for how long, I don't know. We are engaged, but I don't know if I can "kill 'her'". What to do? What to do? What to do? They say the third time is a charm. I don't know if "she" can be put to the curb a third time.

I've noticed that you use some pretty strong words in your description. Kill comes to the fore the most though.
You seem to be trying to seperate yourself(ves) as though they are two seperate entities which they are not. They are facets of who YOU are as a whole.
I agree with the above poster who said you are being SELFISH with your CDing. You have something a lot of girls here would almost KILL for and that is a somewhat accepting and cooperative S/O. You obviously LOVE you're S/O so why not try to come to a compromise?

If you want to keep what is yours now you are going to NEED to find a middle ground and meet. There is no two ways about it or you will LOSE her.
Therapy for the both of you together is something I would highly recommend before it is too late, and with someone that is familiar with these kinds of issues.

Speaking for myself... I don't think purging/killing your femme self will EVER solve anything beyond draining your bank account when you go to bring "her" back out again. So why fight it? You're femme side obviously makes you feel better about yourself so go with it.

You CAN make it work if you want to.

*much hugs*

Zara

Raychel
12-05-2007, 04:25 AM
There is no doubt that this woman inside you is a real part of you life. Just as it is a party of all of ours. I have not heard of anyone that has been able to suppress it completely for ever.

There needs to be a balance in your life. You obviously love this woman or there would not be wedding plans in the future. I would recommend putting your dressing on hold for a while, especially while your soon to be bride is around. DON"T purge your items. pack them up in a box and put them away for a while, if you must. But while your girlfriend is around you must put all your concentration into making her feel like she is the only one in the world.

Send her flowers, or a card to let her know just how you feel.

:2c:
Raychel

kim85
12-05-2007, 04:39 AM
I would agree with what everyone above me has said. Alot of CD's are selfish from time to time and they often dont see it. You love your so and thats great but you wont be able to kill "her". She is a part of you wether you like it or not. My adivice is start over begin ""her" out again slowly if it feels as tho she is taking over again stop and restart. Yes its not the perfect way but this way may keep your SO happier than before.
Hope this works out for you.
Kim
xxx

Daintre
12-05-2007, 05:16 AM
I am a bit confused, perhaps you can tell me what keeps you from seeing your daughter? I see that you say you haven't in 3 years.

jessbcuzz
12-05-2007, 05:21 AM
I am a bit confused, perhaps you can tell me what keeps you from seeing your daughter? I see that you say you haven't in 3 years.
Her mother knows I CD. It doesn't matter if I quit........ that is the thing that she can't accept.

dhampir
12-05-2007, 07:21 AM
I've "purged" three times, crazy times. I regret it, but it did get some new stuff. I finally have a very nice garter belt rather than one of those cheap ones. So there is an upside.

Bethany_Anne_Fae
12-05-2007, 01:21 PM
Her mother knows I CD. It doesn't matter if I quit........ that is the thing that she can't accept.

Is she willing to go to counseling with you on this issue?

RobertaFermina
12-05-2007, 02:16 PM
First of all, it seems that "she" is "you", so get over that.

I have this idea and I'm going with it. If it doesn't make sense, then you are welcome to ignore it.

I hear (now notice I am saying "I hear", I am not saying "You said", this is my hunch and judgment, OK?) that "she" is to blame for you putting your Fiancee' second, or even third.

B.S. "she" is not to blame. "She" is "you", so own "her" and take responsibility. I don't hear responsibility-taking in your language.

You are making these choices, and you are living in a fashion that limits your Fiancee's enjoyment of life with you. Of course, she has a part in how she reacts to those limitations. If you want this relationship, you have to deal with it head on.



Your needs to survive and maintain basic physical and mental (and financial) health must come first. Until you are married (and become one) hers come next.

Beyond that, you negotiate the things that make you jointly and individually happy.

You can step into a pattern of cooperation and positive relationship by identifying 10 (or 20 or 30..) things you need to remain whole and healthy, and another list of things that make you happy. Your Fiancee' can make her list.

Check each other's lists, negotiate, compromise. Then make a joint list of things that are needed to keep you mutually whole & healthy, and a list to promote your mutual and joint happiness.

Its gonna be challenging, painful, and progress, and trust building...especially when both of you follow through.

If you can't actually follow through and do something like this, Counseling is a good idea. The problem with that is, you may require individual Counseling before, or during joint Counseling.

.....a simpler way is to move on, and look for a GG who is in love with "her" as much or more than "him." I'm not telling you to take the "easy" way....it may take a long time to find a GG like that who will love you. Such a girl is a bird in the bush, and you have one in the hand. Tough choices.

:hugs: :love: All my best wishes for you both ....

:rose: Roberta :rose:

Super_Jess
12-05-2007, 04:11 PM
I myself have purged about 6 times now, theres alot I regret about it(1 being each of those 6 times there was about 3-4 33gal trash bags of stuff) I know that I have been somewhere near where you are, Ive came to realize that I am who I am, I cant change whats on the inside of me. I agree with alot of what people have said in here and I wish you the best at figuring out what you are going to do.

jennifer41356
12-05-2007, 05:36 PM
I feel your pain, this is why I decided when i was going to explore my female side more, I decided i would remain single. it is hard to balance those things and I guess i am a bit selfish in wanting to focus on being a woman, life is short and I missed 25yrs by hoping to find a woman who would love me....

now I can come and go as i please , wear whatever I want and whenever i want and I couldnt be happier. I have only to answer to myself

I guess i would tell you, if you want to be in a long term relationship with a female, you have to give a little, so does she ,compromise is the key to making it work..like some of the other gals have said, maybe therapy, but communication is the key

good luck in whatever you decide, dont throw anything away, store or give it to someone who will use it:love:

Raquel June
12-05-2007, 11:31 PM
She is combining metaphors, 3rd-person narration, apparent typos, generally confusing flow, awkward sentence structure, and all kinds of ambiguous pronoun references.


She even bought us matching toe rings, and she also got me a bottle of her favorite perfume, Love Spell. The only problem she would have with "her" is if "she" she became before. That was three years ago.

Who? What? She she? What was the problem? Who became before? Did you get perfume three years ago? Did you break up three years ago? Did she die three years ago?

I sympathize, but I just don't get half of what she is saying.

Vivian Best
12-05-2007, 11:49 PM
I really feel for your problem! I know it must be painful trying to come to the right decision concerning your and your GGs life.

There is one thing I think you ought to consider! If your GG is demanding that you get rid of "her" then what else down the road is she going to demand? Is it going to be a life of "if you don't get rid of or if you don't do this or that." Please approach the permanent relationship very cautious or you could be in for a miserable time.

I've tried to kill "her" in the past but she always came back as she has with you and for me, she always will. She is part of me and will always be so and I do not want to change that.

rickie121x
12-05-2007, 11:56 PM
Language, narration, presentation, details... are all second considerations. and the problem seems pretty clear: That "dark brown eyes" is on the verge of loosing a rare relationship or has lost it already. How terribly. terribly sad!

Here on the sidelines with only a part of the story, I would not presume to present a solution, but the notion of therapy for the couple would have a chance of ameliorating the present pain and setting both minds on a path towards peace and serenity. I soooooo hope that might happen.

As so often said, "Been there, done that.! I know the the pain, the despair and the repercussive thoughts that occur year after year while I have tried to find that "relationship" one more time. One of the saddest notions is that it may never happen, for the odds are so heavily stacked away from our favor.

With sympathy, Rickie