mad tired angry

[Alesia]

I am sorry ladies and gentleman, I NEED TO VENT! I am tired of being a man. I never my whole life wanted to be aman a boy a male or anything close. I hate wanting someting so bad and it just being nearly impossible. I hate the feeling of being a man. Some call it gender confusion but I am certain and am not confused at all. I cant stand getting up every morning and having to dress and act as a man. I am not one. I do wear mostly female clothing but noone can even tell that they are female clothes. If I chose to dress according to my real gender I would lose my job friends family etc. I cant cry anymore about it and for I am out of tears. I dont know what I can do about this torment I am living in. Well sorry to bore everyone with the same old story
Alesia:sad:

[CaptLex]

Just one question, Alesia . . . have you seen a therapist or at least considered it? :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

Instead of hating, embrace who you are inside, it's a much easier way to go, especially if you have to remain as you are.

Karen Starlene

[Alesia]

Just one question, Alesia . . . have you seen a therapist or at least considered it? :hugs:
Yes I have and they said i am gender dysphoric

[Alesia]

Instead of hating, embrace who you are inside, it's a much easier way to go, especially if you have to remain as you are.

Karen Starlene

Oh I do embrace the woman inside but hate having to live a double life

[CaptLex]

Yes I have and they said i am gender dysphoric
That's good, but I didn't mean for the diagnosis - I meant to help you deal with the mad/tired/angry stuff. Do you no longer see a therapist? I think there's only so much we can deal with on our own (or with friends) and seeing a profesional can really help us with those feelings we don't know what to do with.

[laycie113]

Alesia, I know exactly how you feel. I too hate being a man and everything that goes with it. The macho routine is just not me. Transitioning for me is going to be a dangerous endeavor, for my spouses family doesnt know, and it is certain they won't approve. I wish you all the best. Remember its how you feel about yourself that matters. We have only one life.

[Zee]

I honestly feel your pain, for those feelings are in me as well. There are good days, there are bad days. But each day, I am greatful that I know who I am. I thank the powers that be that I am able to transition (all be it painfully slow, but that is my choice).

Thou think'st 'tis much that this contentious storm
Invades us to the skin: so 'tis to thee;
But where the greater malady is fix'd,
The lesser is scarce felt. Thou'ldst shun a bear;
But if thy flight lay toward the raging sea,
Thou'ldst meet the bear i' the mouth. When the
mind's free,
The body's delicate: the tempest in my mind
Doth from my senses take all feeling else
Save what beats there. Filial ingratitude!
Is it not as this mouth should tear this hand
For lifting food to't? But I will punish home:
No, I will weep no more. In such a night
To shut me out! Pour on; I will endure.
In such a night as this! O Regan, Goneril!
Your old kind father, whose frank heart gave all,--
O, that way madness lies; let me shun that;
No more of that.

[Sharon]

Hi Alesia,

The fears, anguish, and feelings you express are ever so common for us, and it is the fortunate few that settle these questions earlier in life rather than later. But you fail to say where your heart lies, other than state categorically that you are transgendered and you hate living as and pretending to be a man.

You tell us your fears of exposing this truth to family, friends, and your employer. Do you know for a fact that they would abandon you? Or are you just imagining how they may react? Worse comes to worse, where would you be? Is the cost of living the life you see as being the life you were meant to live too great to consider doing so? If so, then where does that leave you? Is it better to live to their expectations and be miserable, or is it better to live your life as who you feel you are?

I can't answer these questions for you, and neither can anyone else. It also appears that you are currently unable to answer these questions yourself. For this reason, I hope you seek the help of a qualified gender therapist, and have a true conversation about your gender issues, not just a diagnosis. They won't answer your questions themselves, but they should be able to help you answer them yourself.

Good luck to you and I hope you continue to talk with us.:happy:

[kerrianna]

Alesia (pretty name) I...oh, just a minute...Sharon's signature pic :lol2:...you're sooo rude Sharon...:heehee:


sorry Alesia, I know this is serious.

Okay, good, you've seen someone, they've validated what you're feeling with their diagnosis..and now?

Can you live with it?

Doesn't really sound like you can very happily. You might try to make the best of it, but this could get a lot worse for you and put you into a really bad place.

I do think you need to try and get some regular therapy, and like Lex said, maybe not just the gender issues. Obviously that underscores everything, but a lot (if not most) of us have other issues which make it really difficult to find a way to help ourselves gender-wise too.

In my case, my feelings are very similar to yours, and I try and imagine doing something about it and can't. Because I know I am living in FEAR. Fear of just about everything. There are so many holes in my fabric that I feel if I jump I'll just go SPLAT! So I hide away in my little mousey hole feeling bad and helpless.

That's why I am for the first time in my life going to see a therapist. I have decided that I AM worth doing something for, that I CAN do things other people do. That my decisions won't land me in the garbage can. That I DON'T have to live repeating the same defense mechanisms that protected me in the past.

You're doing what I do when you project the outcome. I KNOW I will lose everyone and everything. But the thing is, I DON'T know. I could be right, but I could be wrong. But by thinking that way, I don't even give, or have to give, myself a chance.

So what I'm trying to find the bravery to do, and this is why I need somebody experienced in my corner, is allow myself to explore my possibilities, free of all my baggage, and all of society's guilt trips and shaming, free of the concept of humiliation and embarrasment. It's the only way of giving my self a fair chance at true happiness.

That doesn't mean I WILL transition.

But I will never know what options I have, or what the right path is for me, if I don't give myself a chance.

It's scary, but so is imagining a lifetime of feeling the way I do today.

I hope you find a way where you don't need to do as much venting and get to do more inventing, Alesia. :hugs::love:

[Kate Simmons]

It's funny. We tend to look at the "paradigms" of what is considered to be "male" and "female" and feel we have to fulfill one or the other. One has this, the other has that. I don't want this, I want that. Who says we can't have it? Basically we do. There is no small amount of frustration and it's kind of like a carrot on a string just dangling out of reach. We don't have to put up with that. We can own both the carrot and the string but it requires an investment. Part of that investment is finding out the truth and being honest about it.

It may require talking to someone qualified but mostly requires honest introspection. What do we really want? The answer may sometimes surprise us. To find the answer gives us knowledge. Knowledge gives us power and the ability to truely take ownership of ourselves and only by truely knowing ourselves and who we are are we able to do that and then we can move forward.

I was getting worn out from the treadmill and getting nowhere fast and was tired of floundering around. It wasn't the TG issues themselves so much as it was how they were and would be impacting my life and my relationships. I decided to go for therapy to find out who I really was and what I really wanted. I quickly realized I had the answer. Sometimes though we just need a sounding board and someone to guide us. That was the investment I made and I do not regret it. In any case it was worth the effort to me but the decision to do so is a personal one and a person cannot manage something unless they understand it.:happy:

[Alesia]

thanx for the advice ladie and gents but i still dont feel commfy living thi lie as a man

[Nicki B]

Hey sister, just let rip.. If you can't here, then where? We do understand. :)

It may seem like forever, but it's not - you'll get to the end, one day, as so many others have? :hugs:

[Joy Carter]

thanx for the advice ladie and gents but i still dont feel commfy living thi lie as a man

I'm the same Alesia. But I I didn't know it until after I came here, what was wrong with me. Maybe in the next life mother nature will get it right. :hugs: