Jenn2716
12-06-2007, 04:49 AM
Sorry I haven't been around the boards very much lately. It's been a a bit of a weird couple of months for me.
A couple of weeks before Halloween, my wife and I were talking and we decided that we were both comfortable with me going out to the local LGBT bar with a close lesbian friend of ours. My wife is not ready just yet to join us, but had no problem with me going and enjoying an occasional night out dressed. Now at the time we discussed this I was fighting a head cold and I wasn't feeling too femme, so I decided to wait until after Halloween before making my debut at the club.
So in the meantime, we had a great time getting ready for Halloween (we both went as sexy femme vampires) and I was dressing alot at home after work. I guess I was at a bit of a high point for my dressing as I was combining alot of femme items with my regular male clothes (femme jeans, low heel boots, some makeup) outside of work. Also at this time, I had began investigating the possibility of getting some laser hair removel on my beard and neck. My wife knows this is something that I've been interested in for awhile, so it wasn't a shock that I was checking it out. I made an appointment to get a consultation and when I told my wife, she kinda gave me that "Huh? Ok." You know. I could tell she was a little bothered by it, but was trying her best to be ok with it.
Anyways, we got partway into November and things kept getting in the way of me going to the bar with our friend. Nothing serious, just she was away, or I had to work. Just a mix of unfortunate and annoying circumstances. Also, being selfish, I went ahead with the consultation and even had a small test patch done on my neck. When I came home, I realized that I had once again pushed things too far with my wife. She was upset. I knew I had been going a little overboard with dressing alot at home, femming up my male look and now pushing the laser hair removal thing too far. So after a day or so of talking and a little crying, I resolved to try and scale things back a bit and try to be happy with the level of cding that we've reached to this point.
The only problem was I immediately fell into a mini-depression. I had been on such a high point, that any negative reaction to my cding felt like a huge slap. I've always told my wife that she could tell me if she was uncomfortable with anything when it comes to my cding. But this time I had a hard time compromising. I ended up doing a full 180 and I have hardly dressed since. I've even stopped shaving my beard and body. I dropped any plans of going to the bar. I just didn't see the point of cding if it what was making me happy (ie.exploring my cding boundries) was upsetting my wife.
Anyways, I've felt closer to coming back to cding in the last few days. But those feelings tend to disperse whenever I see my wife and I think about how it will affect her. She has tried so hard to be supportive and accepting. All she wants is for me to be happy with where I am now on the cd spectrum. I wish I could make myself be happy at this level, but for some reason I have this desire to try more things, push the envelope a little. All this internal turmoil is driving me nuts. I've gone back to eating bad again, my interest in hobbies and stuff is real low and I feel like sleeping almost all day. I have a week off from work next week and I just want to stay in bed the whole week.
Anyways. I'm sorry to dump all of this out there. I just had to get some of this off my chest. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll snap out of this funk soon. The holiday season is coming and I don't want to be a grinch, especially since its my wife's favorite time of year.
take care
A couple of weeks before Halloween, my wife and I were talking and we decided that we were both comfortable with me going out to the local LGBT bar with a close lesbian friend of ours. My wife is not ready just yet to join us, but had no problem with me going and enjoying an occasional night out dressed. Now at the time we discussed this I was fighting a head cold and I wasn't feeling too femme, so I decided to wait until after Halloween before making my debut at the club.
So in the meantime, we had a great time getting ready for Halloween (we both went as sexy femme vampires) and I was dressing alot at home after work. I guess I was at a bit of a high point for my dressing as I was combining alot of femme items with my regular male clothes (femme jeans, low heel boots, some makeup) outside of work. Also at this time, I had began investigating the possibility of getting some laser hair removel on my beard and neck. My wife knows this is something that I've been interested in for awhile, so it wasn't a shock that I was checking it out. I made an appointment to get a consultation and when I told my wife, she kinda gave me that "Huh? Ok." You know. I could tell she was a little bothered by it, but was trying her best to be ok with it.
Anyways, we got partway into November and things kept getting in the way of me going to the bar with our friend. Nothing serious, just she was away, or I had to work. Just a mix of unfortunate and annoying circumstances. Also, being selfish, I went ahead with the consultation and even had a small test patch done on my neck. When I came home, I realized that I had once again pushed things too far with my wife. She was upset. I knew I had been going a little overboard with dressing alot at home, femming up my male look and now pushing the laser hair removal thing too far. So after a day or so of talking and a little crying, I resolved to try and scale things back a bit and try to be happy with the level of cding that we've reached to this point.
The only problem was I immediately fell into a mini-depression. I had been on such a high point, that any negative reaction to my cding felt like a huge slap. I've always told my wife that she could tell me if she was uncomfortable with anything when it comes to my cding. But this time I had a hard time compromising. I ended up doing a full 180 and I have hardly dressed since. I've even stopped shaving my beard and body. I dropped any plans of going to the bar. I just didn't see the point of cding if it what was making me happy (ie.exploring my cding boundries) was upsetting my wife.
Anyways, I've felt closer to coming back to cding in the last few days. But those feelings tend to disperse whenever I see my wife and I think about how it will affect her. She has tried so hard to be supportive and accepting. All she wants is for me to be happy with where I am now on the cd spectrum. I wish I could make myself be happy at this level, but for some reason I have this desire to try more things, push the envelope a little. All this internal turmoil is driving me nuts. I've gone back to eating bad again, my interest in hobbies and stuff is real low and I feel like sleeping almost all day. I have a week off from work next week and I just want to stay in bed the whole week.
Anyways. I'm sorry to dump all of this out there. I just had to get some of this off my chest. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll snap out of this funk soon. The holiday season is coming and I don't want to be a grinch, especially since its my wife's favorite time of year.
take care