The lingering "pink"

[Kate Simmons]

I was going to hold off on this but I want to put it down while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. As many here know, I've pretty much amalgamated my feelings and can access them in either mode as Sal or Rich. This has been the result of no small amount of work on my part and my goal has been to be able to be my real self no matter what I look like. Mostly this is prep work as there is a possiblity of getting back together with my wife and with getting my priorities in order, I want to able to give her the full attention she deserves.

As much as I like to think I have conscious control, there seems to be a nagging need to still look physically pretty even though on the surface it seems I could care less. I can only describe it as a type of anthropomorphic "entity" or perhaps a type of sub neural process that still demands it's "due". I realize it's tough to "give this up" but that is not my intention really, I just want to fold it in to my overall self.

Anyway, what I've been doing lately is getting up early, getting dressed, taking pics (for the avatar), de-construct and then I'm fine the rest of the day. Using this method, it seems to be less of a need each day and my time dressed has become shorter and my feelings naturally folding in. Due to financial constraints and other issues I haven't been out much lately either as I have needed to pay attention to more important things. That could be part of the reason because normally, I "get it all out" at the club. Curious to say the least.

The more I learn about the gender mystique and the more I learn about myself and others here, I realize that human beings are amazingly adaptable, intelligent and complex creatures. I truely believe that understanding gender concepts is one of the next horizons because as a species we do what we have to to survive and understanding our feelings is key to that.The binary gender system has seen it's day and things are no longer "black and white". There are new worlds to be explored and all of us here are the pioneers.:happy:

[Billijo49504]

Hi Sal, Just wondering if under dressing might help. You know, a bra or cami and panties, under your guy clothes. Some on the forum have said it worked for them. When I was working, that is what I did a lot of the time. As they say, something is better than nothing. Just a thought, I hope you get everthing sorted out. Best of the hoidays...BJ

[RobertaFermina]

As much as I like to think I have conscious control, there seems to be a nagging need to still look physically pretty even though on the surface it seems I could care less. I can only describe it as a type of anthropomorphic "entity" or perhaps a type of sub neural process that still demands it's "due". I realize it's tough to "give this up" but that is not my intention really, I just want to fold it in to my overall self.


What does the process give in exchange for its due ?
Is there an alternative process that would give as much ?
Is the sub-neural process itself "a life" and sacred, now that it is identified and active?
Is it flexible enough to merge with into a unified "collective" identity?
Is it gender-identified (pretty-identified) and resistant to recombination ?
Is replacing it and letting it atrophy murder? (in the abstract, dear)
Is incorporating it and absorbing it (digesting it) murder?

You seem to be transcending your (old?) gender paradigm(s)....but that could be complicated if this is not simply a matter of expression, but additionally one of dealing with nascent, or latent identities within you.....

Much happy confusion, deliberation and enlightenment as you tease out each bundle of your Gender Knot.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Kate Simmons]

What does the process give in exchange for its due ?
Is there an alternative process that would give as much ?
Is the sub-neural process itself "a life" and sacred, now that it is identified and active?
Is it flexible enough to merge with into a unified "collective" identity?
Is it gender-identified (pretty-identified) and resistant to recombination ?
Is replacing it and letting it atrophy murder? (in the abstract, dear)
Is incorporating it and absorbing it (digesting it) murder?

You seem to be transcending your (old?) gender paradigm(s)....but that could be complicated if this is not simply a matter of expression, but additionally one of dealing with nascent, or latent identities within you.....

Much happy confusion, deliberation and enlightenment as you tease out each bundle of your Gender Knot.

:rose: Roberta :rose:Good questions Roberta. I mostly wanted to lay this all out and get some feedback. I personally feel it's a matter of putting my "ducks' in a row so to speak. I do believe I'm dealing with part of my actual "essense" here. It is not resisting per se just sort of "waving" saying:"Hello, I'm here." Kind of like an old friend that needs to acknowledged. In that respect, I do believe I am getting down to the "nitty gritty" here and I do believe it's part of getting to actually "know" who I really am and it may be possible that I am much more than I think. This is really "terra incognita" I believe.

The truth is, it's not making me uncomfortable at all and seems to be merely verifying that this is indeed part of who I am. Simply put, I believe it's my re-assurance to myself that I'm never going to leave myself and am there for myself regardless of what happens. It's the ultimate form of "acting out" and is the verification that Salandra(which is the amalgamation personified) is really who I am and who I have become. That in itself is comforting to me and gives me the strength to carry on.:happy:

[docrobbysherry]

It has taken me many years to try to figure out what kind of man I am, or am not. Just when I think I have a handle on that, I start Cding. Now, I have to deal with what kind of woman I am, or am not. There r so many small nuances to our dressing, the why of it, and the conflicts with our male identities. One of those mite be:
Men don't have to be pretty to attract a lot of attention from the opposite sex. But women do! Take a straight CD attracted to women, how does he reconcile that his dressing is more likely to attract men? Most men prefer attractive women. So, would he rather be a homely woman, or regular looking man? ( This conflict mite not occur for a TG or gay CD, but they may have even more internal conflicts to deal with.)
Now, add to this a hundred, ( thousand?), other related internal conflicts.
Someone in a post said, " Normal CD". Is that the ultimate oxymoron or what?
RS

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Sal, Just wondering if under dressing might help. You know, a bra or cami and panties, under your guy clothes. Some on the forum have said it worked for them. When I was working, that is what I did a lot of the time. As they say, something is better than nothing. Just a thought, I hope you get everthing sorted out. Best of the hoidays...BJThanks BJ, I appreciate your advice. I used to underdress and wear subtle makeup at work but this was when I was first getting a handle on things when I first came out. Nowadays, when I'm in Rich mode, I see no need to do that any longer. What I'm experiencing now is more than a need, it seems to be a presence of mind that my overall self is here for me. Actually when I express myself as Sal fully I feel totally natural like this is the way it is supposed to be and is just an outward show of part of who I am(both male and female) but Rich is there for me then if you get what I'm saying. Mostly Salandra is the real me and Ericka and Rich are just parts of that person.:happy: