when is the right time to tell people you know

[shirley1]

i am currently still in the closet - i have been out but only a few times and was always worried about neighbours seeing me in case eventually it got back to people that know me (its a small world especially when you only lived 5 mins walk from your sisters) i have considered telling people a few times but i once read an article in a magazine (a porno mag of all things!) an article on tvs and one of the questions was this one and the answer given was once you tell someone you cannot retract it - so as long as i've been predomently a closet cd i thought why tell people unless you have to - but now i'm thinking of going to a tv social group with the possible aim of going out in the city where i live there is surely more risk of being found out other ways - like someone seeing you from work - fortunately where i'm livin at the moment it is a very quite place where you hardly see your neighbours anyway and even if you did it wouldnt matter (everyone keeps themselves to themselves) but in other places it might not be so easy - so you could get to the stage where if you knew your neighbours had seen you you might not want your friends/family to come round to yours in case someone said something - so in that situation it must be easier to tell people rather than be paraniod about them finding out from other people

[NatalieBliss]

I think you have to decide that for yourself. I don't think there is a "sign" or anything. Though, I have heard a few stories with GGs that brought it up and they segued into telling about being a CD.

When I told two of the people that know it was because they are the two people in the world I know I could trust with it. The third time I was drunk and that is NOT advised. Though it's been a month and all still goes well... knock on wood.

Anyway no advice other than, figure out what you want and make do your best to make that happen

[Carly D.]

Paranoid... welcome to the slam bang world of cross dressing.. there is that feeling of "what if I told..?" and the point you make of not being able to retract that moment in time, ever!! I go through this as well fairly regularly.. to tell or not to tell. that is the question.. and the answer is simple.. how does your family and friends react to different everyday situations.. I find that playing games answers that question for me.. and by games I mean like trivial pursuit or games where things like cross gender issues might pop up.. also when viewing the news, what do they say about these type of things.. my mom is very progressive in her way of thinking and makes me think that I could tell her and she would be ok... however there is that "what if.." thought that pops into my mind that keeps me from telling her, or anyone else...

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

This is the main reason for keeping my secret. I'm afraid to let the cat out of the bag. It's the reason I cannot post pictures. Believe me, I'd love to. But I fear the future. Sad, but true.

Kathleen

[Jodie Wexler]

The only person I needed to tell was my wife. I told her before we got engaged. I did not want to have to hide and lie to the person that sleeping next to me forever. ( I hid it from her for about ten years before telling)
That was about 20 years ago. I almost told my brother when he came out of the closet as being gay but my wife stopped me, he dosen't need to know. I am glad she did.

I only wanted to tell some people this year, not to long ago. I told one because of certain reasons that I would not like to go into but it turned out fine. The others were these nice ladies in a store that I shop in from time to time. I have featured things I bought there in some of my pictures and I wanted to show them. It was nerve wracking but I did it and that worked out ok also.

My point is, who really needs to know and who do you want to know. Two different things to me. Only you can make that desicion for you.
Jodie

[Dawn D.]

I have recently told three people about Dawn in the last month. My Sister-In-Law, my Mother and another very close GG freind. What made me do it? Varying number of reasons. All of them purely selfish I'm sure. Because certainly, telling others about my CDing is of no benefit to my totally accepting Wife. Though I had this inane sense that I was certain it would be okay. And it has been, so far anyway. I just can't really explain how I knew it was the right time. In the case of telling my SIL and Mother, I guess I could put the blame on my Mother (just kidding). Simply because she started asking questions that I was no longer willing to deny or hold back on any longer. That facilitated talking to Sis, whom, as it turns out has been (next to my wife) Dawn's biggest supporter! Huh, must run in their family (acceptance), go figure! As for the close friend, another case of circumstance, in that she started a conversation one night, completely out of the blue, telling me that she didn't understand this whole TG thing after having dealt with a MtoF SA at Ross' in the local mall. In short, it allowed me to convince her that we are a diverse and greatly misunderstood segment of society. Since then she has been very understanding of Dawn although not ready for an interview with her yet, haha.

So, when do you know it's the right time? Just depends on the circumstances at the time and whether or not you are comfortable in taking on that discussion personally.



Dawn

[MJ]

When you feel strong enough to deal with the ramifications and the consequences of your actions .. when it's out there you can't take it back

[Nicolette01]

When you feel strong enough to deal with the ramifications and the consequences of your actions .. when it's out there you can't take it back

Very good answer, MJ.

[shirley1]

its strange but in some ways i think my sister knows or suspects anyway and in answer to the question about what are they like (my sister and brother in law) they are not homophobic in anyway i remember my sister telling me years ago about how she used to frequent gay bars and got friendly with a guy just about to change sex and she seemed quite liberal minded about it i know they wouldnt think anything less of me for this but theres always that slight doubt in your mind what if i read the signals wrong - i guess as a single person without kids living on my own for 10 years now i in some ways dont give a damn what people think and i'm becoming more selfish in my attittude to what others think but then again is that wrong you only get one life and this isnt a rehearsal got to do what i want to do you cant live your life for other people once your six foot under knowone remembers you for long anyway ! think i'll tell them soon if i do start going out regulary to hell with the neighbours !

[MJ]

i understand were your coming from .. this could change your life in ways you or i could ever imagine please don't get me wrong i am for honesty but if i may say how will this benefit you for the good your sister may be accepting but your so called friends and work mates your family .. neighbours with kids ?

how will this change your life ?

i am just looking out for you !!! be safe

[joann07]

I told six friends this past year and all of them were very accepting.
In each case, my gut feeling felt it was the right time.
I've had thoughts of telling members of my family, but my gut feeling doesn't feel like its right at the moment.
When the right time comes, I will know.

[CharleneCD]

Rather than telling, unless you really want to, just go out and have fun. If they find out, they find out. Again, as MJ said, there are many potential ramifications of being out. You will find out who your friends really are.

[Billijo49504]

Yesterday or tomarrow, but not later. JMHO...BJ

[Zee]

The best time to tell anyone is when you feel in your heart that the time is right. Not before, not after.

[susanmichelle]

In the past 10 years I have told over 200 people, 50 of them are friends that I have known at least 15 years or more and of all those people I have told only one (1) and he made a big deal of it. Hes real homophobic and thinks anyone that would do that is gay or no telling what hes thinking. All I can say is get a life. Havent talked to him since not my doing mainly his. Oh well......






Susan Michelle

[Marvina Martian]

Well I have recently told a few hundred, on here! :D
That is the extent of it though.
Although I do yearn for others to know and accept that may never be a possibility and I must realize that.
I figure that I'll take it as it comes and just enjoy the ride without fear of being found out if I go out and am recognized. The hard thing for me is that I am actually known around the world in the circles that I travel and it really would most likely be a great detriment to my business if everyone knew!
Of course my positive can do attitude that has made me successful in my business also crosses over into my CDing so......
I guess I'll just take it as it comes and not be locked in the closet forever!

[TxKimberly]

As others have pointed out, this is a pretty personal decision that really no one but you can make. My advice, based on my own experiences, is that there is no reason to tell anyone unless they point blank ask. I went through a period about 5 or 6 years ago where I felt very good about who and what I am, and I felt the urge to share it with a few people. For years, every one I told was 100% cool with it. Then my wife told a friend of hers and she eventually share it with her husband. Hubby freaked, we were no longer welcome at their home. Scratch one friend for my wife. Next bad experience was a couple of years after that when I was going out in Austin one Friday night. One of my coworkers was a lesbian and knew about me, and I discovered that her, another coworker, and my wife were going to be visiting the same club I had was going to be at. I figured what the heck, she's going to a Gay bar, she must be all right with it, and so when they got there I introduced myself. :-) She acted fine then and there but later made it well known that it disgusted her and I should be ashamed. I found out years later that she shared this with a number of other people at work. Considering that it was about this time I was asked/encouraged to move out of the manager position I was doing quite well in and to go back to being an engineer, I think it's clear that it cost me the management position.
So, my urge to share it cost my wife a friend, cost her a few potential friends, and cost me a position in management.
The moral of the story? Unless you intend to be 100% "out", if you don't have a reason to tell someone, don't.

[Joanne f]

Just remember, fools rush in where angels fear to tread, there is no such thing as telling one person as everyone has a best friend.


joanne

[Sandra]

Hope you don't mind me butting in here :) You will know your self when the time is right. We told people about Nigella a few months after we told our daughter, in fact it was her and Nigella who suggested it to me. Amy our daughter knew and accepted and there wasn't really any reason to stay in the closet.

We have been lucky all but one couple have supported us and stayed very good friends, the couple who don't want to know as far as I'm concerned weren't real friends.

If you don't want everyone to know then either keep quiet or think very hard about who you do tell.

[charllote34]

I suppose its easier to say when is the worst time to tell !

[Lovely Rita]

i am currently still in the closet - i have been out but only a few times and was always worried about neighbours seeing me in case eventually it got back to people that know me (its a small world especially when you only lived 5 mins walk from your sisters) i have considered telling people a few times but i once read an article in a magazine (a porno mag of all things!) an article on tvs and one of the questions was this one and the answer given was once you tell someone you cannot retract it - so as long as i've been predomently a closet cd i thought why tell people unless you have to - but now i'm thinking of going to a tv social group with the possible aim of going out in the city where i live there is surely more risk of being found out other ways - like someone seeing you from work - fortunately where i'm livin at the moment it is a very quite place where you hardly see your neighbours anyway and even if you did it wouldnt matter (everyone keeps themselves to themselves) but in other places it might not be so easy - so you could get to the stage where if you knew your neighbours had seen you you might not want your friends/family to come round to yours in case someone said something - so in that situation it must be easier to tell people rather than be paraniod about them finding out from other people


I would never venture to advise anyone on when the right to tell is. The act itself is so precarious and the outcome so diverse that no one really has the answer to this one.

It would be presumptious for anyone to advise on such a dangerous course of action.

Remember, only you will face the music, alone. No one will be there with when things go tough, and no one will be there with you if things go smoothly.

Since you are the only one who will face this most challenging of moments only you can trully assess and decide.

It is haphazard for anyone to tell you when.

This decision is monumental in that it can really Rock your world.

I wish you the best whatever and whenever you decide.

[Dawn D.]

As others have pointed out, this is a pretty personal decision that really no one but you can make. My advice, based on my own experiences, is that there is no reason to tell anyone unless they point blank ask. I went through a period about 5 or 6 years ago where I felt very good about who and what I am, and I felt the urge to share it with a few people. For years, every one I told was 100% cool with it. Then my wife told a friend of hers and she eventually share it with her husband. Hubby freaked, we were no longer welcome at their home. Scratch one friend for my wife. Next bad experience was a couple of years after that when I was going out in Austin one Friday night. One of my coworkers was a lesbian and knew about me, and I discovered that her, another coworker, and my wife were going to be visiting the same club I had was going to be at. I figured what the heck, she's going to a Gay bar, she must be all right with it, and so when they got there I introduced myself. :-) She acted fine then and there but later made it well known that it disgusted her and I should be ashamed. I found out years later that she shared this with a number of other people at work. Considering that it was about this time I was asked/encouraged to move out of the manager position I was doing quite well in and to go back to being an engineer, I think it's clear that it cost me the management position.
So, my urge to share it cost my wife a friend, cost her a few potential friends, and cost me a position in management.
The moral of the story? Unless you intend to be 100% "out", if you don't have a reason to tell someone, don't.


In retrospect, I think this is very salient advice. I have been pondering this over the last 24hrs. and I have come to the conclusion that for me, the three that I have told will most likely be the last. Unless, someone finds out about Dawn and then I'll need to go into a defensively-offensive maneuver, ha ha. Seriously though, Kimberly has it right for the most part, if we're not going to live out in the open 24/7, it is best to be kept to ourselves and those that you feel absolutely have a need to know.




Dawn

[happy sam]

it took me years[about12]to tell my wife.she was great about it.i just enjoy it now

[shirley1]

the advise people give as well as being varied is interesting and helpful and i guess knowone can really answer this question for someone else everyones cicumstances are different and without knowing what someones friends and family are like impossibe

i dont mind stayin in the closet at least for the time being but the only thing that p***** me off is when people come round to visit me (i live alone) and i then have to hide stuff away behind lock and key in case anyone either sees something lying around or opens a cupboard and notices something - therefore it leaves me with feelings of guilt caus if you have to hide things away from people you automatically feel you must be doing something wrong - so if people knew at least i'd be rid of the guilt even if people did think i was strange

i keep people away from visiting me and if the buzzer goes unexpectedly i dont answer the door as i dont want to risk it in case its someone i know and havnt got time to put clothes away - that is no way to be living your life i dont think !

[Glenda]

As other girls have stated, there can be both good and bad to come from open disclosure. I believe it all depends upon your needs and personality. Once that is decided, it is based upon their (the people you're going to tell) personalities. The thing about a forum such as this is that you are going to interact with all levels of CDing. All the way from the guy that has a nasty little secret that he gets off to female underware to people who were truly born to the wrong gender. And every level in between.

Many here are perfectly happy to only underdress, dress in private or only occasionally dress under the best of their personal circumstances. The closet is a lonely place, but it is also a comfortable and trusting place. You satisfy that inner desire that is within to recognize and acknowledge those feminine thoughts and feelings that you hold inside.

I think that we all share our feminine being. The one inside that lets you appreciate the makeup or the cut of that dress or the awards extravanganza to which all of the women wear such pretty dresses or the magazine and catalogue or the smell of the kitchen or whatever. There is a feminine side of us to varying degrees.

If you are a private person and are satisfied in the closet then stay there. It is a haven. Some of us can't be satisfied in the closet. We have to recognize the level of our desire to share this part of us. Do you have a spouse or SO? Do you feel that you can't keep this from them any longer? Has your desire and conviction grown to where you need to be free to be femme at home? Only you know.

Or are you reading these posts and saying, "Damn, that's cool!"? Beware the pink fog. It is the same as alcohol or drugs. It can make you do the damndest things at the damndest times. Once something has been done, it can never be undone. But if you need to share it, then share it. The results will depend upon your honesty and sincerity as well as the acceptance of the other person. You can't control that. You can determine what you think the result will be, but you can't control it. How strong is your conviction? What are you willing to risk?

I couldn't stay in the closet. I didn't recognize the desires I have until later in life. Once I saw myself, I knew that I was meant to be and always had been. I saw my other self. The one that I never understood but always knew existed. I was in the pink fog. I dressed every chance I got. I kept my toe nails painted all of the time. I slept en femme every night. I kept it private even though I had been seen publicly at a number of Halloween parties and a Prom Dress skate. But I had made a discovery. Glenda existed.

I had an active social life. I had been divorced a number of years, had learned of my femme side, my kids graduated and left home and I went out often. I had girlfriends staying with me fairly often. If they stayed overnight they saw the nightgowns and often shared them. Then one convinced me to get a pedicure with her. Afterwards she wanted to go have a beer at our local bar. Dared me to go. I went. Can never undo that.

I was accepted. The GG's were all supportive and said it took a real man to show his feminine side and the guys all thought my feet looked better than my date's. The legend was born. Everybody knew, but it was a safe place. I had been divorced and moved into the inner city after my kids left home. I was around my "new friends" not my "old friends". I didn't risk that much really. If it had ended terribly I would have just moved to another part of the city and started over. I wasn't risking any friendship over 7 years old. My old friends rarely came into the city. I saw them in the suburbs only except on rare occasions.

But it didn't end badly. I was accepted. Everyone had grown to know me as me. I was a little different, but I was genuine and well liked. That didn't change. I went out with the girls to gay or lesbian bars dressed. It was a rare thing but something that they all planned. The other guys at the bars I frequented couldn't believe that I was always with one or several good looking women. They couldn't comprehend that many of the girls were just friends. How can you be just friends with a girl? They joked that they might start cross dressing too but everyone knew it wouldn't be the same. I was unique. Different. But no one knew the extent to which I had progressed.

It was harder to come out to my "old friends" and my family. I wouldn't answer the door or the telephone if they called while I was en femme. I was still in the closet as far as they were concerned. It stayed like that until a friend who lived in another city called. I answered his call only to find that he was a minute from my house. By answering the call I had confirmed that I was at home. Could I tell him not to come by? Of course. I chose not to. I told him not to be surprised when I opened the door. He didn't understand until I opened it. Can't undo that either.

Bottom line, he and his ex-wife who was with him came in and accepted me. She was the reason he had come by. She hadn't seen me for a few years and wanted to say hello. The evening was a great success. They told my other "old friends". I didn't ask them not to. They have accepted me as well. Somehow being able to answer the door regardless of how I'm dressed or having to worry about changing clothes if a girlfriend comes by to ask me to go shopping or for lunch just fits in with my personality.

I don't know about you. How much do you need? You'll know who you should tell and when.

[SweetCaroline]

I came out fully, to my perspective, a few weeks ago. I tend to think of coming out not as an event, but as a PROCESS. It's ongoing. There are hundreds of people who don't know that I cross dress, they don't need to know any more than they need to know I'm a Bob Dylan fan, or that I'm a painter, or that I collect Star Wars toys. Likewise there are hundreds of people who DO know I cross-dress. Some don't like it, but most of them are cool. Outside of the transgender community, you'll get mixed reactions, but after you tell, in time, you'll find out who your real friends and family are. If someone loves you, they wont cease to love you because YOU cross dress.

To the OP, you say your interested in joining a TG social group. GOOD MOVE. That's how I started coming out, asides from telling a few close friends. I think this means you want to come out, which is a good START, but remember the end may be far away. It's a journey, enjoy it as much as you can.

Good luck,

Carrie

[shirley1]

I came out fully, to my perspective, a few weeks ago. I tend to think of coming out not as an event, but as a PROCESS. It's ongoing. There are hundreds of people who don't know that I cross dress, they don't need to know any more than they need to know I'm a Bob Dylan fan, or that I'm a painter, or that I collect Star Wars toys. Likewise there are hundreds of people who DO know I cross-dress. Some don't like it, but most of them are cool. Outside of the transgender community, you'll get mixed reactions, but after you tell, in time, you'll find out who your real friends and family are. If someone loves you, they wont cease to love you because YOU cross dress.

To the OP, you say your interested in joining a TG social group. GOOD MOVE. That's how I started coming out, asides from telling a few close friends. I think this means you want to come out, which is a good START, but remember the end may be far away. It's a journey, enjoy it as much as you can.

Good luck,

Carrie

this is the best reply i've had - yes life is a journey its just more extreme for some people but then i'm a believer in we're all on this planet for a reason to reach a certain destiny in life not everyone reaches it but the aim is to try and get there in the end and be happy and contented in life - i am now starting to see this as a challenge can i get to the stage where i feel comfortable enough within myself to go out in public and eventually tell people i know - i have come to the conclusion that theres no need to tell anyone until if and when i do start going out in public - because then and only then you surely know its gone way beyond the sexual fantasy it seemed to be to begin with

thanks

[Sarah Doepner]

I told my wife several years ago. Because she caught me dressed. All the things I'd wanted to tell her rushed out and for the next week there was no mention of it. It could have gone any one of 50 ways, but I was fortunate and she is supportive of me. I always postponed the disclosure because I didn't want to add any more stress to her life, but at the same time I was taking all that stress on myself. And I wasn't being very nice sometimes either. It was the best time, because if I'd gone another month I would have exploded. Have I told anyone else? No no no. Well, unless you count everyone here and the people I visit with when I go out in other cities. This forum give me the chance to address the issues without having to add risk to my life. Thank the Goddess for the internet!

[kristinacd55]

My wife found out about a month ago, when she found a package addressed to me (it contained a sex toy). She thought I was having an affair, which I wasn't, but I let my girl out of the bag & it's been great! She's accepted it, doesn't want to see me dressed yet, but has bought me panties, cami's & a pair of fishnet tights. Needless to say, there is no right time to tell, it's really up to the individual person.
hugs,
kristina