Living another lie me things.

[Denise Barrett]

Hi Everyone,:hugs:

I feel like I’m living a lie all over again.

This is one of the most difficult things I have had to do, but because of the comments on my avatar, it is so necessary. I have told my story here, in several posts, about living a lie for 59 years as this facade named Steve. And to my surprise, and sadness, I realize I have done it again, as Denise, with all of you. I have received many compliments on my avatar, about how pretty I am, how “passable”, how easy it must be for me to go out, but unfortunately, it’s a lie. You see, I picked the one picture, out of 150 shots, that made me look my best, pretty, cute, even feminine. Now I realize that most people (most of us) do the very same thing, probably unconcieously and it’s understandable, but in this case it makes me seem like someone I’m not. I think many of you ladies think it was easy for me to venture out, even in a limited way, because I wouldn’t be noticed for the most part. But nothing could be further from the truth, since I knew, from the time I left my motel room for the first time, I would not pass for one moment, but I was accepted, because of my confidence. Gina is a terrific makeup artist, but there is no way to hide 59 years worth of winkles or bags under your eyes. You can make them magically disappear for the movies, or even pictures (if you take enough), but not for personal appearances. So, I have posted the real pictures of me, in the picture gallery, along side my current avatar (which I will soon change) because I cannot live a lie with the best, and only family I have ever known. And for those of you who think you don’t look good enough to venture out, it’s not about looks, it’s about confidence, which Gina gave me. You see, Niki’s right, “passing” doesn’t matter, being ourselves does. I’m not trying to represent any great “causes” here, just trying to make it easier for me, and all of you to leave your houses or apartments without any concern about who you are. I am really sorry for the deception, it wasn’t intentional, just the ego in me; even Denise has one I guess. I always end my posts or comments the same way and I wonder if it becomes so common to become irrelevant. But the thing is, I mean it. Always. I have a feeling the more I hang around this family, the more likely is my goodbyes will soon exceed my comments.

With all my love, respect, admiration, and undying gratitude to you all,:love:
Denise

P.S. Wish I didn’t cry so much, it’s so girlie.:heehee:

[Daintre]

Well hi Denise, yes you do have a very nice avatar....BUT....you have to realize that all an avatar does is put a unique picture up to represent you when you wish to post. Not all the avatars used here belong to the actual person, they were chosen to represent the poster...Hell I am no Marvin the Martian or a sheep jumping fences. I just hope the other members will read what I have to say and not base anything on the picture. All your avatar is saying to me is, oh Denise is posting.
And don't we all want to portray ourselves in the best light. It is all cool Denise, lighten up on yourself.

[Holly]

Denise, with all due respect, I have to disagree with you. What you are doing is not deceptive at all. You're pursuing your dream... nothing wrong with that, honey. Remember, I've seen you in person. You are a charming, lovely person. I have thousands of pictures that will never see the flicker of a computer monitor! It's human nature to want to put your best foot forward. If it wasn't, there wojuld be no makeup, no pushup bras, no hairdye for men... get my point? Sure, you want to look your best and you want others to see you in your best... so what? So go out there and just enjoy BEING you!

[Edwina]

Methinks you worry to much Love. If you are guilty of anything then you are in very good company. :heehee: We all do it and you don't need to beat yourself up about it. Leave your avitar be, you are stunning. (Yes, I checked the Gallery)

:love:
Edwina

[Ðarissa]

Hello sweet lady. :D

I haven't tripped out the door yet myself so it's encouraging to read that others like yourself are able to do so.

When it comes to things like posting pictures and picking out the best, I think we all do that to some degree, but you already said that. I won't hold it against you tho. :hugs:

I don't think you lied too much there or at all for that matter. One thing about squishing down a picture to avatar size.... it makes everybody look better methinks. ;)

....and stop crying, your gonna get me crying and then who is gonna mop up the mess? :heehee:

[Billijo49504]

If it's really you, you are not being deceiving. But using the best you have. Me, on the other hand, I use my latest pics for the avatar. And let the devil care how I look....BJ

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Denise. Don't give it a second thought Hon. The main thing is, you are here sharing with us and that is the real you and that is what we appreciate. I have a lot of different looks. My main reason for putting them up is so I can see what I look like but also to show others that I don't limit myself and if I can do it, anyone can. Anyway, I'm proud of the bags under my eyes because I've earned them :heehee:. I really do not put a lot of effort into these looks because it's second nature really and remember I have the opportunity and all the stuff readily at hand , not to mention the time to experiment since I'm retired. In any case I'm enjoying it while I can because my situation is kind of dynamic and I may at any time stop CDing.

My purpose for being here is not necessarily to encourage others to CD but rather to get in touch with and be accepting of and to enjoy who we really are. Life is about people really and that is my main message. Being a human, especially a human with feelings seems to be a lost art these days and reclaiming that is the challenge and a privilege we all have.:happy:

["Mary"]

Denise,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Being 5'ft 13", I don't think I'll pass under many conditions either, but just have fun with it. Perhaps, our carefully selected photos are our semi public appearances, in this virtual public of sorts.

Best wishes.

Diana

[docrobbysherry]

Isn't that pretty much what being a CD means? And just because u, ( all of us), have a dream? Is that so bad? Does my avitar look like a 60 y/o man? Should I have Sherry remove her special faces and vanish? That's not my dream.

If u go out dressed, u r very brave, as far as I'm concerned. Sherry and I must stay in our closet. And u don't owe ANYONE an apology! Remember that the folks here care for, and about, Denise. Don't let us down now.
RS

[Melinda G]

Hey, we all sift through a bunch of photos, trying to find a good one to post.

[sterling12]

Denise, by simply going out there on the street, being Denise and trying to further "The Cause," you are doing better than 99.99% of them. As other's have said, it's not about passing or looking perfect. It's about trying to gain a little grudging tolerance from others, males and females. It's also been pointed out many times that if we all passed, all the time....we wouldn't be trying to gain any acceptance/tolerance. No one would know!

Some people have seen certain pictures of Joanie and they think that: A.) I'm about 35. B.) I have a hot bod and hot legs. C.) I am completely passable, and never make a mistake with presentation.

My Tri-Ess Sisters know that ain't so! Many is the time, pictures are taken and I look like a slug....or worse! I throw out all the pictures with my 3 chins! Just last meeting, I was experimenting around with a new shade of powder, asked someone what they thought and I got the very honest answer: "You look like you have some kind of dirt on your face!" One of the reasons I experiment, is trying to get rid of the beard shadow....just like everyone else.

So, are you living a lie? I would say if you are, so is just about everyone else here. Can't you imagine that pictures that make it to The Picture Gallery are "The Absolute Best," too. Remember, you can do wonders with Photoshop, and those who know something about photography can use lighting and background to make anyone or anything look good.

I think most of us value your opinion, and find you to be a very genuine person. That should count for quite a lot!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Aw Denise *hugs*

Look, I think that most of us do that, so you arent alone. We want to look our best for our friends. Hell, don't let my picture fool you because at almost 45, I have the dark circles under my eyes, laugh lines, and I'm not in the best shape endurance wise either.

I don't know how long it takes the rest of you to get ready to go out, but for me its almost an hour on the face alone.

Now, of course I take my dressing up to the extreme having gotten bored with the everyday look and wanting to expand my horizons.... but its a lot of work.

I envy any of you natural girls who only need a few minutes to freshen up and not be afraid of the "Death becomes Her" syndrome that i have.

Thank you so much for your honesty, Denise. I think you are indeed wonderful for trusting us with your feelings.

*more hugs*

Zara

[sissystephanie]

I would certainly have to agree with the other "posters." Your avatar is great, and you are no more "living a lie" then any of us here on the forum. As you can see by my avatar, I am definitely not very sexy. Before my wife passed away, she did my makeup and wig if I was going out. Then I could, and did, "pass." Now I just go out wearing feminine things, but looking like a man! Attitude and confidence is everything! I go to the malls, grocery shopping, and out to eat dressed. Sure I get some "looks," but I don't care! I just smile, and pass on by. BTW, I am a natural 40B, so with a good bra and a tight top I do have a pretty nice bosom. That does draw "looks!"

That part of me is real, but I am a man, not a girl! So putting on a bra, panties, skirt, and feminine top could be considered a lie! But who here cares? That is what we all do. Of course, there are some GG's on this forum who belong in that type of clothing. But the rest of us do it because we like to, and don't consider it "living a lie." At least those of who have responded to you don't!

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath

I do also love, admire, and respect all of you!!

[Marla S]

Denise, YOU don't live a lie.

Yes you have a great avatar, yes and it is selected from 150 photos. So what ?
It looks great and it is you. Your "real" shots look great too, and are you as well.
You showed the confidence to walk out, you showed "confidence" posting your pics, just add a little more confidence and like your avatar.

Superficial beauty is easy for those who have the physical features and the age ... yes and it is easy to to get caught and envious ... but all of your pics show beauty and confidence. A wrinkle more or less doesn't change that.

You are beautiful, you just have to believe it.
:hugs:

[SiobhanW]

I have received many compliments on my avatar, about how pretty I am, how “passable”, how easy it must be for me to go out, but unfortunately, it’s a lie. You see, I picked the one picture, out of 150 shots, that made me look my best, pretty, cute, even feminine

Girlfriend, even for my guy avitar over on MySpace I picked the best (and my favorite) photo of me, not the ones where I forgot to pull in my beer belly or look like I haven't slept in a week. You're not alone in wanting to present yourself at your best, "en femme" or not.

[Vieja]

Hey, who said that an avatar had to reflect who you really are? It seems to me that here your avatar should reflect what you wish you were. I do not even have an avatar but one day when I figure out how to do it I will put one of the few pictures I have of Vieja (Sara) up for all to see,and while it doesn't look too bad for an octogenarian I will never be a poster girl. Quit beating yourself and leave the avatar alone.

Vieja

[RobertaFermina]

Denise,

You are right that I choose images for my Avatar that I find flattering.
I avoid those that are not.
How would things change if we had Avatars that were randomly selected from all of our pictures (and magically cropped and resized) and reselected each hour or day ?
A more representative expression of how we are might relax the rush to look "good" amongst the members of this forum.

I will always make-up to look my best when I go out though....


:rose: Roberta :rose:

[SiobhanW]

How would things change if we had Avatars that were randomly selected from all of our pictures (and magically cropped and resized) and reselected each hour or day ?

I've got some many pictures of me that I hate, I probably wouldn't have one.

[Kate Simmons]

I've got some many pictures of me that I hate, I probably wouldn't have one.Hmm--maybe I'll post some of the "duds" from the cutting room floor just for grins. I have some doozies.:heehee:

[Mitch23]

lots of people tell me i'm pretty but you should get up really close - some of my 'ugly' pics i wouldnt post here! You are who you are and you're beautiful!

Mitch

[Lisa Golightly]

Total respect Denise and hugs a plenty. My av is one I did sans makeup (bar liner)... Honesty is a massive step into the light... Total respect to you Angel :)

[lisa_e_love]

Denise,

Everyone is selective with their choice of avatar. Don't worry! Our love for you isn't based on whether or not your avatar is "realistic" or not, it's based on the fact that you're one of our sisters. So, don't worry! :D

Lisa

[Megan_Girl]

Denise, with all due respect, I have to disagree with you. What you are doing is not deceptive at all. You're pursuing your dream... nothing wrong with that, honey. Remember, I've seen you in person. You are a charming, lovely person. I have thousands of pictures that will never see the flicker of a computer monitor! It's human nature to want to put your best foot forward. If it wasn't, there would be no makeup, no push up bras, no hair dye for men... get my point? Sure, you want to look your best and you want others to see you in your best... so what? So go out there and just enjoy BEING you!

Denise,
I'm with Holly on this one. As one of "Gina's Girls" I can see this from your perspective. And I am guilty of this very same thing. Through 2 sessions worth of make up and photographs Gina and I culled through over 300 photographs to select less than 30 that were keepers and from that 30 she did her photo-shop magic on maybe 12. One of which you see as my avatar.
Is it deceptive - in a way, yes; but it was deceptive from the shoes on up to the wig and long before the first photo was taken.

But what I discovered (am discovering) is that I am finding out who I am, who Megan is and who I'm not. I don't know where this will go but I do know that my life is a process. I know that because of this forum, the friendships I have made here, the make-up and photos sessions with Gina, the posting of some of those photos here and that includes my retouched carefully selected avatar photo; I have found the strength to be and to accept who I am. And when my wife recently told me she accepts me as a CD I found the words to have a discussion of love, acceptance, understanding and gratitude.

Because of this process I am happier now, at 47 than I have ever been in my entire life.

So, I don't think you need to apologize for being a person involved in that process. But, I do want to say "Thank You" for baring your soul - because it has opened the door and made it OK for me to do the same.

XXX
Megan

[jenniferj]

Denise,

Think of your avatar as how you see yourself and how you want others to think of you. There is no lie there - many of us are still using avatars that are not pictures of ourselves, carefully selected or otherwise.

I think most of us (male, female, or both) are surprised when we see unexpected pictures or videos of ourselves - "Do I really look like that? - those jeans make my butt look huge." or "Boy, am I that bald?". And we are also surprised sometimes when we see pictures of somebody else whom we thought we knew well - in life we see what we want to see, whereas the camera simply captured light. When I see my wife of 35 years, the real image is morphed with memories of her in all of those happy times - I see something very different that a stranger would. We sometimes call this "personality".

So relax! Have a cup of tea. Take more pictures so you show us an even cuter one!

-jj

[MJ]

=Holly;1116565]Denise, with all due respect, I have to disagree with you. What you are doing is not deceptive at all. You're pursuing your dream... nothing wrong with that, honey. Remember, I've seen you in person. You are a charming, lovely person. I have thousands of pictures that will never see the flicker of a computer monitor! It's human nature to want to put your best foot forward. If it wasn't, there would be no makeup, no push up bras, no hairdryer for men... get my point? Sure, you want to look your best and you want others to see you in your best... so what? So go out there and just enjoy BEING you!

sorry i have to agree with Holly, you are a wonderful person please never forget that Denise :hugs:

my god girl you should see my rejected Pictures and without makeup i could turn you all in to stone "see my sister Medusa " :tongueout , And i can't find a decent avatar

remember just be yourself enjoy life and smile
much respect n hugs
Marissa

[Julie York]

My real shoes aren't actually this high.



:eek:

[Kelsy]

In my case -- Thank God for photo shop!!!!!:eek:


You look fabulous!!!:happy:

Kelsy

[TxKimberly]

Your gonna find this hard to believe because I picked MY avatar very carefully as well, but I DO know exactly what you mean. Having said that, you are not being fair to yourself. Do you think any of us pick or worst picture to represent us? Do you think a GG wouldn't pick out her best picture to represent her? That's not a lie, that's human nature and a perfectly rational and normal thing to do.
You do what you have to, but damned if I'M gonna find one of my less than ideal pics to use for MY avatar! lol

[Denise Barrett]

Hi Everyone, :hugs:

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. I guess this post is the result of my low self-esteem, which several people have pointed out to me lately. I guess it’s hard to change something that developed at such an early age and was constantly confirmed by the fact that my male persona was never really accepted as a “man”; at least my interpretation of what a man needed to be. Now my male persona is gone, thank God :clap:, but this particular quality remains since it never really was based on gender identification I guess. I only hope that the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” doesn’t pertain to human behavior patterns as well, so that, with the help of such good friends as all of you, I may be able to change the attitude I exhibit to others.

After all, I would never dress up then go out without a wig and makeup, that would be rediculess, so deception is part of the process by which we live. Regardless, the avatar stays, because you, as usual, were right, it does reflect the Denise I feel inside, pretty, happy, even younger. The next time it is my turn to post pictures, I will post the ones that make me look hot and sexy :heehee:, only not quite so big. OMG, it’s like looking at my face on a movie screen; still need to learn about this “reducing” thing; too big, too big.

Again, thank you all for your support, maybe one of these days I can grow up to be a real adult like the rest of you. But keep in mind, Denise is only 4 weeks old. I will celebrate my birthday on November 10th for the rest of my life, regardless of whether Tamara Croft changes it on this forum.

I really love you all so much, respect and admire what you all do each day, and have undying graditude for being lucky enought to know you all. :love:
Denise

[jennifer41356]

Denise
you are a very young looking 59:2c::hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

You will realize as you go along Denise that we can be as much "man" or "woman" as we need to be. In that respect I never limit myself and consider myself a person rather than one or the other. It's nice to have the option in any case and gives us somewhat of an advantage others don't have when you think about it.:happy:

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

You will realize as you go along Denise that we can be as much "man" or "woman" as we need to be. In that respect I never limit myself and consider myself a person rather than one or the other. It's nice to have the option in any case and gives us somewhat of an advantage others don't have when you think about it.:happy:

Salandra you speak for both of us ;)

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[carolinewalker_2000]

The other girls have really said it all Denise, we are all struggling to find ways of bringing out our true inner woman and that is why we take so much time over make-up hair and clothes. Having gone to all that trouble, the one or two photos that work - probably out of a batch of dozens - are naturally going to be the ones we prefer and want to share with our friends. (Every girl is entitled to a little vanity!)

Apart from clipping to a manageable size, all my photos are unedited - I really can't get to grips with the intricacies of photoshop! So what you see is genuinely me - BUT there are lots of other photos that will never be selected for posting.

Take pride in those photos that do the inner you justice and continue posting. Truth shines out from within.

[Raquel June]

Puh-leeze!

If you take 150 pictures and find one that's passable, you're doing a hell of a lot better than some of us. I shudder to think how many pictures have been taken for each one that actually makes it on here.

If none of us were putting on a facade, all these pictures would be of dudes without makeup. The horror! Nobody wants that.

Use whatever avatar you like. Nobody thinks you're a liar.

[battybattybats]

I guess this post is the result of my low self-esteem, which several people have pointed out to me lately. I guess it’s hard to change something that developed at such an early age and was constantly confirmed by the fact that my male persona was never really accepted as a “man”; at least my interpretation of what a man needed to be. Now my male persona is gone, thank God :clap:, but this particular quality remains since it never really was based on gender identification I guess. I only hope that the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” doesn’t pertain to human behavior patterns as well, so that, with the help of such good friends as all of you, I may be able to change the attitude I exhibit to others.

The good news is that the brain is constantly re-wiring and rebuilding.. so you can change old habits both physical, mental and emotional. There are a variety of ways to do this.

I've had some substantial success dealing with illness-induced anxiety from CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) which has helped a lot of people with depression, anxiety, self esteem and a variety of issues. Also good is that there are self-help books and even free websites like this one http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/ that can teach the basic skills of CBT.

[susie evans]

denise i'am with holly and knowing you in person you are growing in leeps and bounds :hugs:

susie

[MsJanessa]

Honey we all do that---absolutly nothing wrong with it---and what are we supposed to do?--Put our worst picture on our avatar photos?? I think NOT. The only time I would be angry about an avatar photo is if a T-Gurl used somebody elses photo and passed it off as her own.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Did you get a good look at my avatar? I am afraid to put up a real picture because I don't want anyone to put two and two together. I can look pretty good all dressed up but I am sure anyone that knows me could see right through the "mask". Some day I will get the nerve up and put a real picture of me on the site, but for know I am just sporty babe and oh how I wish I could look that sexy. By the way, you look great for 59 and you have nothing to be worried about with your avatar, you go girl!