Coming Out

[erin_123]

Hi - I'm a 33 year old transexual. I am preop and have not told anyone about this. I need to tell my girlfriend about the fact that I am really a girl inside, but I am afraid. I have read textbooks and seeked therapy on this and I've come to the conclusion that I need to speak out about this. I need advice. How do I tell her? I expect she will be supportive - she is a wonderful woman. Please help. This is tearing me up inside and she needs to know. I cannot keep this secret anymore. I need specifics on how to tell her. Thanks in advance!

erin

:sad:

[melissaK]

I admire your desire for an honest relationship where the other person really knows you and is in love with you, including your gender differences.

First, ask your therapist for advice. Second, go read a bunch of books about it. Third, go search the forums. Nearly every CDer forum has advice on this one.

Then, everyone is different. I have told two women in my life. First one I did the "Honey, I need to talk to you about something . . . " approach. Worked, she listened, then eventually asked to see me cross-dressed. We divorced soon thereafter, mostly for other reasons (she needed to pursue a lesbian lifestyle).

Second one I told while dating. I wasn't going to live a closeted life so I did the same thing - "Honey, I need to talk to you about something . . . its very private and I have trusted almost no one else with this secret." That worked too, we're married 15 years later. Not that she likes it one bit, but we love each other, with all our differences.

The universal thought is don't get all CD'd and walk into the bedroom and say "Hey baby, want to fool around?" :happy:

hugs,
'lissa

[Stephenie S]

OK hon, you are a pre-op transexual woman? Can I assume you are MtoF? And you have a girlfriend. Are you imagining having a lesbian relationship with this woman? Is she a lesbian?

Do you expect her to become a lesbian out of love for you? That is quite an expectation. Can you imagine doing the same for her? If she were to tell you tomorrow that she was secretly a pre-op FtoM, would you become a gay guy just to continue your relationship with her as a man?

You have some questions to answer BEFORE you go too much further with this. Expecting our SOs to change their sexual orientation just for us is a huge conceit.

How about, "Honey, would you still love me if I were a woman?" That seems right to the point. You probably want to be a bit more subtle, though. But in the end, that's exactly what you want to ask.

Listen, dear. You MUST get this out of the way BEFORE you go too much further with this relationship. It is grossly unfair to her continue the charade. You may need to be in an entirely different relationship with an entirely different person. Maybe, maybe not. But right now, she is playing with only half a deck, and that's just disrespectful. If you love her, be straight with her.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Dania]

I agree with what everyone has said.

You *must* communicate with your SO and let her know that you are TS. It's a huge expectation to put on any woman, to tell them that the "man" they fell in love with, well, isn't. It's good you want to tell her now, don't lose that nerve. The longer you wait the more intense her reaction will be.

I think you should do some self introspection, and be very honest with yourself on what you want to do. I shouldn't give this advice as I can't figure that out myself yet, but I think it's the right thing to do :). Are you 100% positive you want to transition? If so, you should let your SO know when you are sure. Or, if you aren't, I''d say to just tell her that.

Good luck. As many, many GGs here always say, "honesty, honesty, honesty". Have materials ready so she can understand things when you do tell her, and let her go at her own pace in understanding everything.

Check out the Loved Ones forum here, and read the experiences of people who have gone through what you have, and read what some of the GGs (FABs) have to say. It's good advice :).

[erin_123]

Dear all,

Thank you for the input, as Stephanie indicated, and I wholeheartedly agree with her, I cannot have unrealistic expectations of my SO and expect her to jump into a lesbian relationship - though that is what is really desire. I am a MtoF transexual. Coming to that realization has been a struggle in and of itself and my brain really is that of a female. I have a wonderful and loving relationship with my SO and I am ready to tell her. Most of all, I just want her to know the truth about what I am feeling inside and who I am. I will say for the record that she is bisexual, so I know that her attraction to other females is there, but whether or not it will be for me as a woman is another story.

erin

[Shelly Preston]

Read the link in my signature it might just help you

and good luck :hugs:

[erin_123]

Thanks Shelly. That helps! I guess I am selfish. I don't want to be lonely. And I don't want to lose the woman I love while trying to become the woman that I want to be.

[androgyne]

Thanks Shelly. That helps! I guess I am selfish. I don't want to be lonely. And I don't want to lose the woman I love while trying to become the woman that I want to be.

Realistically, you may very well lose your SO if you tell her. Undoubtably, she will feel deceived and angry about it and is entitled to those feelings, since you were not honest with her. If it were me, I would still tell her and live with wherever the chips may fall.

[cutechloe]

Hi Erin,
I totally feel your pain, except my situation is [i think] much worse. I'm engaged to s atraight (absolutely no lesbian attraction) gg that keeps asking me to pick a date for the wedding. I love her and i would have married her within an instant before, when my confidence in denial was stronger. But we've been apart for a few months now, and I've had the chance to CD 24/7 practically (although not in public... I stay in A LOT). I've always suspected that I will end up transitioning one day, and now the thought scares me to death. I don't know how to deal with this. If I tell her the absolute truth, I'll lose her, but if I try to put a brave face on it I might end up making the situation much worse. I don't know why I can't just stop thinking about transitioning. Life could be so great if I could just live as a straight guy... but I just can't stop CDing and imagining myself as a female. My counselor says I need to work out what I really want in life, and she's right, but how in the heck do I do that. I love my fiancee more than anything, and I'd love to have a family with her, but at the same time I don't know if I can go through life as a crossdresser, just CDing in secrecy, growing older and watching myself go bald etc... Denial is one thing but it isn't all that. So although I don't have any wise tips, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. Good luck! Chloe

[Wendi {LI NY}]

Well I was just a cd,I thought and I didnt tell my SO for 26yrs of married.
3 Children later and feeling that drive me crazy .I told her and she was very supported . Now I am stuck in the middle .She doesn;t want me to transition all the way ,but she is ok with my long hair ,electrosis ,facial feminine surgury,and me on hrt for 4 yrs ..and my going out infemme .
I just can not live 24/7 with her ,as she is not able to face her family or friends about me .:o My daugher knows and my sons just think i am weird.:rolleyes:
Dont get me wrong ,I love my wife and children ,but if I had the internet before or known .I would not got married or had children . So in closing tell that girl up front and let the chips fall as they may. It is not fair to her or you not to tell her before you get serious with her .. hugs,Wendi

[Mean Green Irene]

I am certain that you are afraid that your friend will respond negativly but you need to come out before the relationship goes too far. Being truthful is very important to most people. Hidden secrets for long periods can damage the relationship.