The stress of secrecy

[helenr]

I am nearly 61 and have been a transvestite since about age 5-6. Throughout my life, I have had to keep my interest private as possible. I have been married 25 years and my wife tolerates this, but there is no visible crossdressing possible. I know I am far from alone in this dilemma. Most wives can't stand seeing a male wearing 'their clothes'. It seems an innate discomfort and probably can't change. Think much has to do with their concept of what a man should look like.
It is hard on wives who seem determined not to keep secrets from their girlfriends. Openness is a good thing, for the most part, but I don't think discussing such a complex subject with other women serves any useful purpose.
I think the hardest part deals with children. I have a 22 year old son and he knows to some extent that 'dad is different'. He seems OK with it, but it would never be something I could discuss. Again, it seems super hard to keep being 'Dad' if wearing lingerie,etc. I try so hard not to leave any visible signs of my interests and on the Internet erase history regularly. Yet, today, that darn Amazon.com seems bent on keeping your shopping history popping up on the family computer--finally got smart and went into preferences and omitted that 'helpful' feature. My wife made some allusion to it and I fully got the gist.
at my age one gets resigned that matters won't likely change-I 'yam what I 'yam -as PopEye says. It just weighs so heavily, the shame , frustration, regrets, etc. I wonder if others have any good ideas of how to lessen the guilt feelings,etc Merry Christmas to all, Helen

[Daintre]

Hi Helen, I would like to say how your post seemed to be talking about myself in ways. Oh the circumstances are different but the feelings are the same. I am a mere 56 :heehee: and you would think things like shame would be long put in the past, unfortunately it is with me even today.

Things are changing though, the younger crossdressers at the Forum seem a lot more confident and that encourages me. The fact we have GG, (FAB) members here is a great thing, I have learned much from them.

Thanks for the post Helen.

[Angie G]

I know what your saying Helen My wife knows and is OK with my dressing She understands why I need to dress And we have a Son and daughter that don't know of my dressing And that is the wat I want it I'm not ashamed of it Ijust think it better they don't know being dad and all.don't be so hard on yourself your dressing don't make you a bad person. You need to let the shame frustration and regrets go.
Keep the secrecy if you must but know you are a good person husband and dad. :hugs:
Angie

[Billie1]

Hi, Helen,
And first of all, Merry Christmas to you, too!
Being a leading-edge Boomer (Remember fallout shelters?) and a father, also, I understand very well the realization at a young age that wanting to wear girl's clothes was not the 'normal' thing to do. Enter the deep-seated feelings of shame and frustration that can become very elemental to development. I, too, carried these with me for many years, and to an extent, they still exist today.
But, this funny little habit that we all share is a very powerful part of what I am. So, I do my best to be at peace with myself, but at the same time, be respectful and mindful of other's feelings. You seem to share these basic concepts. I feel that it is the right thing to do. You should have no shame attached to trying to be a good spouse and father.
Best wishes, and have a Happy Holiday.
Hugz,
Billie

[AmberTG]

Shame is an artificial construct brought on by the pressures of society, without that pressure, there would be no shame.
Now, having said that, it's still really hard to get rid of it, especially when we've lived with it for so long! It has taken me a year and a half of therapy to deconstruct that shame, and I don't think it's entirely gone. There's still some "residue" in the bottom of my personality bucket.
You just have to start by realizing that it's OK to be the way that you are, and work from there. You may not want to tell everyone about it, but that's OK also, it's your deal. Not telling someone else is really more about their possible narrow minded reaction then it is about your issues.

[il.dso]

Thanks for your post. I can't give any advice since I, too, share the struggles you describe. I have found great comfort from this website. Even though we only connect through the internet, it's great to know there are others out there like me. For years, I've experienced the thrill, relaxtion, shame, secrecy and other emotions. Reading about others that share a love for women's clothes gives me great comfort on my journey. We are not alone!

[Lilith Moon]

Helen, I'm 62 and some six years ago I was in your position. At that time...around 2000 I managed to slough off the shame and realized that I actually like myself...a lot. Since then I have been attempting to communicate my feelings to my wife who, up to that time was completely unaccepting. It has been hard and frustrating on both of us at times but after 6+ years we seem to be coming to some sort of accommodation.

Her acceptance has accelerated during 2007 to the point that we now share some clothes and makeup... I am now dressing femme fairly regularly at home although subject to mutually agreed (but negotiable) limits. She has even accompanied me to a few trans events, I drove there and back and walked from the car to the venues en femme and accompanied by my wife. Six years ago I would never have imagined there was any chance that this would happen and I'm currently in heaven..but mindful of the efforts my wife has made and determined not to blow it all away by doing something stupid. My new found happiness has also transformed my male side, my zest for life is returning and I feel full of energy and creativity after many years in the doldrums.

I owe a lot of this progress to the wonderful people in this forum...thank you so much everyone. Helen, listen to the advice in here. My contribution, FWIW...being trans is a gift, love yourself, be proud of who you are. Only when you accept yourself will others be likely to accept you.

[Melissahoney]

I agree with all the posts. I remember I married my wife in a Suit not a dress, I respect that I am her man, however, l want to have my time and space to enjoy what I feel is not shameful, not disgusting, not sick, but a genuine feeling of comfort, tenderness and caring. I do find my experiance in meeting other TV/CD in simliar positions truely care about each other and are respectful of their wives.

[Ruth]

I won't try to claim that therapy is the answer to everything, but have you tried it?
It doesn't make the CDing or any of the consequences go away, but it may help to put it all in perspective and give you a more relaxed attitude to your situation.

[TerriM]

Helen,
I am 59yrs old and married 36yrs. My wife has known for over 25yrs. She wants no part of my fem side. She has never seen me dressed, except for a couple halloween parties that we attended and that was before I told her. All my children as far as I know have no knowledge of Terri. Keeping one's sanity in this situation can be difficult at times. But I get out maybe 1 or 2x a month. My wife lets me hang some of my fem things in our closet. But I doubt she will ever go any further.
Over the years I have met some great people because of my dressing. My advice is meet others like yourself. Go to a CD group or a CD event. Talk to others in person that are just like you. I know that I always be a CD. This is a part of me, Im not changing.
Yours Terri

[KateSpade83]

Living with guilt is easy - just accept this is who you are. But living a secret life and keeping the clothes and drag sessions all secret is very hard! You might as well come out a be open about if this is a habit you can't get rid off.

[Billijo49504]

Well, first of all, don't wear her clothes. Buy your own. I have mine and she has hers, but we share and borrow, every so often. But at 61, I'm 60, and married 25 yrs, we are 23, so I wonder why no dressing is possible? If she's been putting up with it for that many yrs, I don't understand. I let mine know from the start, so there wasn't any hiding it from her.For some woman the decete, or hiding it, is worse than the CD'ing. I've always believed in honesty, my memory is as long as my, forget about it. So to tell the truth is the safest way for me. Just my musing...BJ

[Jacqui]

Helen, think of it (CD'ing) as an enjoyable hobby, like coin collecting or stamp collecting. That's how I avoid the guilt.

But just don't tell anyone that you're a "philatelist" because that will sometimes get you into more trouble than if you said you were a CD.

Jacqui


p.s. philatelist=stamp collector, but it sounds a lot worse...

[Dania]

Helen, I first would like to wish you a merry Christmas (and to all..). Although I see myself more as a TS, at the young age of 21 I feel as if I'm 21 going on 50. The stress, the pure amount of secrecy which I have to keep on a daily basis has shaken my world to the point where I accepted that happiness was for 'everyone else' and not for me.

I identify so heavily with your sentiment that things aren't likely to change, and yet, I know intellectually this is false. I can't even hold a steady relationship because of the guilt, having to hide myself away and be very guarded. I've always hated the holidays for this very reason, but I find that hobbies always help keep your mind off of the secrecy and deception.

Heh, sorry this younger girl couldn't be more helpful. I just think that you have a lot of courage and inner-strength to have such a positive attitude. I suppose we don't know any other way, but to those that are married and are working through that with their wives, it's an incredible thing to me. It brings a bit of hope.

I'm watching this thread hoping someone can come up with the one activity to bring easement to years of self imposed shame and doubt. Or at least we can have a good laugh while trying. :)

[helenr]

I think you are all lovely people to respond so positively and helpfully. I have had some therapy and, to be honest, I think the 'free' feedback I get and read to others on this website are more informative, knowledgeable, and realistic than what most psych come up with--and not any $100. for 45 minutes.
I think a major issue with GGs is the 'innate' fear that their crossdressing husbands may wish to 'experience womanhood' via extra marital activity. I do think that the empathy that often only another TV can show another 'could' lead to more than meeting for coffee. While this should not conflict with stress -relieving dressing in the privacy of one's home it sometimes amplifies a wife's fears. I have read that many GGs resent the time that their 'new wives' spend in front of the mirror, primping, etc to get a good look.

I agree with others that a Crossdresser/transgender person should 'rejoice' in being a more developed, enlightened, and other positives, person--we are great in a sense, but then there is 'Society' that scarely tolerates a pink T shirt on a male. I have given up being frustrated with how women can wear practically any garment on the planet and it's OK, but not for us--but that is a tired discussion and gets nowhere.

One very thorny issue about 'shame' is that I am not sure another person's reassurances, saying that she is OK with it,etc will fully eradicate the sense that 'someone is wrong, bad,etc,etc' --again, the mental pressure of what is appropriate. I am certainly not recommending this for another as it does have dramatic effects on ones libido, but if you seek a calming agent, spirolactone medication is a powerful tonic--if you are healthy overall, it is a great way to tame borderline hypertension, remove the frustration that can go with crossdressing--ceases being a 'fetish'--just feels the OK thing to do, and also seems a calming agent to accept yourself as you are. Best wishes to all! Helen

[Kate Simmons]

Being truely in touch with our feelings is never a lost cause and is additive and value added. It makes us a much better person and crossdressing is merely one of the vehicles many of us have chosen in order to do this. Sometimes without it, we will not even acknowledge these feelings exist, let alone attempt to get in touch with them. The alternative is to suffer in silence and feel guilt because we are not being a "man". A real man however recognizes all of his assets and utilizes them in a positive way. It has nothing to do with what our gender is and everything to do with who we are as a person and that is what makes the difference. Validating that goes a long way.:happy:

[Roberta Marie]

Helen,

Your post strikes close to me, too. I'm 52, and have been crossdressing since I was 6 or 7. I've been married for almost 30 years, I have 5 children. Just within the past year or 2, I have been coming to realize that being dual gendered is truely a gift, not something to be ashamed of. There is so much that we have to offer that a mono-gendered person does not. Now that I'm beginning to understand more about myself, and what it means to be dual gendered, I look back at times, even during those dreaded purges, and I see the positive influences that having a feminine side has had in my life. I have come to realize that God made me this way, that it is not evil or a sin, and that He also has a purpose for me being this way. I'm still trying to figure out what that purpose is, but I'm sure I'll know when the time is right.

I just came out to my wife this past August. She has been very gracious, understanding, and supportive. I am married to a truly amaizing woman, although I knew that before coming out to her. Our 19 year old son knows, when he walked in on me as I was making lunch for my wife and I, while I was wearing a skirt, heels, wig, etc., just a week ago. He seems OK with it, but I've not had much of a chance to talk to him about it. My wife and I are planning on telling the rest of the kids in the near future.

My wife and I have come a long way in a short time. But we both have a long way to go. My wife says that there are times when she still wishes that it would all go away. And last night, as I was driving to church, I had this twinge of shame. But, now that I'm writing this, I'm not sure that it was shame as much as a strong feeling that I am very different than anyone I was about to see, which is odd, as this church has taught me much about being accepting of those that are different.

Sorry about the length of my ramblings here, but I'm finally getting to the point. I think that you need to have conversations with your wife. I think that those conversations should start out very one sided, with you doing most of the listening. I think you need to find out how she feels, what her fears are, and try to understand what is going on inside her head and her heart. Then, and only then, can you hope to help her to understand more about you.

Ask lots of questions. Listen and try to understand the answers. Have fun exploring this part of you, as difficult as that might be, together.

Grace,
Bobbi

[Janis Edwards]

Hi Helen, Again an almost carbon copy of your experiences. I am (shall we say) in your age bracket and have suffered a rather severe guilt complex for most of my dressing years. I think going back to our early years we had no clue what was happening to us. It was not until we purchased our first computor in the early 90s did I realize that there were at least a few more people like myself. I have since discovered to my delite that there are many hundreds of thousands of the same persuasion. My wife found out about 1 year ago about my dressing. Fortunately she did not leave and I guess you could say tolerates my dressing but would not ever perticipate in it nor condone it. It has been a very big secret for almost 55, sometimes stressfull years but I have not, nor will I ever stop dealing with my strong female persona by not dressing completely......Janis

[Jazzmine]

Hi Helen, there is some exceptional wisdom in what others have said already so I can only add a little more.

Some years ago I was on a personal growth path to increase my spirituality. On that journey I read many books and began a diet which was organic and free of stimulants (caffeine, alcohol etc). After about 3 months this diet and meditation had a powerful effect on my thinking and feelings. I became less aggressive and more gentle by nature, more understanding and forgiving of others, more inclined to revel in nature and natural gifts from God, stronger in my sense of self and more willing to accept daily occurrences as challenges rather than big problems. None of this has anything to do with being a CD but I am sure you can relate to what I am saying!
All sounds very profound, and it was/still is (except I drink coffee and wine these days!!!).

In these earlier years I knew nothing of crossdressing. For me dressing was a quirky sideline that imposed itself occassionally on me but something I thought would go away as I got older/lost interest. But it has only got stronger.

Here's my point. I experience an amplification of my spiritual felings when crossdressed. Getting in touch with this "feminine" side of my nature is very positive for me. I feel no shame, only thankfulness that I have this aspect in my personality. The only thing that is a shame is the fact that we cannot share our full selves fully with society because of it's ridiculous taboos!

Some GGs will say I cannot feel feminine things because I am a guy. I respect their thinking but pose this question to them and to other men, "how do you know what I feel is not feminine?" If what I/we feel is not feminine then by God we have something better than the rest of humanity ever gets close to. It's something to rejoice because to me it represents everything good about the human spirit.

:hugs: Jazzmine

[Denielleinheels]

It is indeed a rough one. I talked to my 2 sons around this time in 2005 explaining my gender issues. They were 17 and 19 at the time. I didn't get real heavy with the conversation but it was a sit down talk. They both said "You're our father, the one we've known so what's your point?" They never did see me dressed. That didn't come untill I posted this past years holloween picture as my main myspacepicture this year. I left it there for a while so they would kind of get it and get numb to it. I switch pictures around a lot for my main page and I keep bringing it back. I want them to get used to it even if it hidden behind holloween. I was blessed that they didn't cut me off. My point is, I talked to them about it and they heardit from me. It is a b**ch deeling with it with in society... but believe it or not, when you become comfortable with you it will all change. You may be able to fool everybody else but you just can't lie to yourself and get away with it.

[Trinni]

When it comes to the secrecy of dressing up, I have two different feelings which makes me a bit torn on the subject. In one way I wish there was no secrecy so I could go get all of the clothes, shoes and make-up I want. The problem with this side is my young children and my wife who probably would not understand nor accept it.

The other side is I love the fact that I have an outlet which is completely my own. I love the fact while dressed or not, I sometimes feel like Trinni and no one knows. I can be in a crowd of people, dressed as a man since I have not come out, and get enjoyment out of things seeing them from my fem side. I probably am not explaining it very well and don't get me wrong, I know I'm not two different people, but the secrecy is part of the enjoyment for me. I have felt this way ever since I started enjoying womens clothes but I'm still have a way until I reach your age Helenr. I know this is redundant but for know, the secrecy is one of my favorite parts about dressing up and just feeling like Trinni.

[Ashley Williams]

Like most of the other replies, your post strikes a chord for me, too.

I have lived for two years in fear of accepting, then revealing, that something I thought had stopped being a guilty secret in my life had come back.

For ten years I did not dress at all - and for about 7 of those did not really think about it.

During that time I met my wife-to-be and told her about how it used to be an issue for me.

Over the weekend, after months of soul-searching, I had to 'come clean' and tell her that the need had returned.

Stunned silence is still the dominant reaction.

How this will turn out now, who knows!

I couldn't carry on as it was, though - and now we're into a whole new territory.

Society imposes norms - and we have to find somehow to accept that we are not monsters - but much easier said than done!

Happy Christmas.

All the Best

[Eugenie]

at my age one gets resigned that matters won't likely change-I 'yam what I 'yam -as PopEye says. It just weighs so heavily, the shame , frustration, regrets, etc. I wonder if others have any good ideas of how to lessen the guilt feelings,etc Merry Christmas to all, Helen

Dear Helen,

I am 61 too, and believe it or not, but you should never give up on the evolution of your partner...

Married since 38 years, my wife has known about my x-dressing for more than 35 years... She has rejected it almost completely, just tolerating that I do it in secrecy. Never spoke about it, not a word...

However, recently, after a series of rather severe crisis on this matter, things have changed for the better...

I think that part of it was due to my own acceptation of who I am, even though that also lead to critical situations.

She realized that it was something extremely important to me.

Then the fact that I came out to our children (37 and 35 respectively) was a relief to her, although it was a big crisis trigger on first account... But after a few weeks, I think my wife felt less anxious that "the children would discover me"... Actually my children accepted me very well, even though they don't want to see me "en femme", an attitude which I respect.

Lately my wife even made some positive comments on my "shopping for clothes..." intending shopping for women clothes.

So keep the hope alive... Even at 61, things may change for the better...

If you want you can PM me.

:hugs:
Eugenie