Internet affairs????

[mand]

Now if any of you are on the Roses site I'll apologise now because I'm repeating myself with this thread.

It was suggested that I put it out on here as well, which I think is a good idea, see what/if any respones it gets?



Is there such a thing as an Internet Affair? and if there is can it be classed as cheating?


The situation ........... you meet someone on the internet, you talk to each other a lot, you have a lot in common with them and without ever meeting them in the flesh you fall for them, but is that possible?
Can you fall for somebody who is only words on a computer screen?


Now if it is a realistic possibilty to fall for someone in this way, could it be classed as cheating on you're partner?


love mand xxx

[KyleeCD]

Mand,

Interesting question....I have wondered the same...."When is a friendship more than just a friendship (and becomes an affair)"?

It is all in the eyes of the beholder IMHO...

Some partners may feel that if you enter into an physically emotional relationship with another person (male or female), where it consists of more than just friendly kissing, or includes any intimate behaviour, then that would be regarded as an affair (maybe?).

Other (partners) may feel that if you share intimate personal details about yourself with others, in a fashion that you would not typically share with you partner, then that maybe considered cheating/affair (personally I do not agree with this view, but I know some that may).

Given these two definitions, I would not personally feel that any virtual relationship to be an affair unless there is a clear intent to make it more than that (physical/emotional).

Kylee xx

[MonaSmith]

Hi Mand,

I think that wholeheartedly you can fall in love with someone on the internet.

Initial attractions may usually be down to appearance, but a lasting relationship of any kind is down to personalities. If both parties are being genuine then there is no reason why two people can't fall for each other just by chatting online.

As to the question of cheating? I'm not sure. I'm not in a position to judge that. I suppose it depends on how far the relationship goes and if you define cheating as a mental or just physical thing. It is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time, so if you are getting different things from the two relationships and all parties are ok with it, I'm not sure that it is really cheating.

Maybe this is the future for relationships in general, a kind of mix-and-match, get what you need from where you need it thing?

Mona xx.

[PixieTits]

I just look at it as an extension of life. Friendship=friendship and cybersex still =sex=cheating, but just as you can have a platonic friendship with someone you care about very much without taking it to a romantic level in realtime, you can do it on the internet.

Of course, if you fall in love with someone over the internet, you have a responsibility to tell your SO, they have a right to know. And if it feels like an "affair" and you're acting like it is, well, it's an affair and an affair is cheating.

[ChristineRenee]

Yes...I think that you can. If the exchange between the parties is honest and upfront, I think you can really develop a very close bond through the exchange of ideas, feelings, and emotions. Is it cheating? Well...as a former President of the United States once remarked..."It all depends on what your definition of IS is." I have pondered the thought that it may border on being emotionally unfaithful...yes. When a person is in a committed relationship, and is not being emotionally or intellectually satisfied by their partner through no fault of their own...and in this instance I am definitely NOT referring to sexual gratification here...it is probably logical that this person may seek an alternative way of expressing those pent up feelings. I know this has happened to me since I have become a member of this forum. I have had the pleasure of bonding with a number of my contemporaries on this site, and have made what I know will continue on to become life long friendships here as a result of it. The opportunity to "see" others through the printed word without pre-judging them on appearance...can be a very powerful, and rewarding, stimulus.

All I know is that I am very thankful and grateful for both this site being in existence, and for the wonderful people that I have had the pleasure of getting to know since I have been a member. Thank you one and all for your love, your support, and most of all, for your friendship.


Love,
Chrissie:)

[Lindahexi]

Yes it is definitely possible to form a strong relationship with somebody on the Internet, maybe even have a 'Cyber Affair'. After a few tentative initial exchanges a bond can form, common interests are discovered and romance can easily follow.

Is it cheating? Well yes I guess it is, even though you may never meet each other, the pictures and thoughts in the mind are very powerful, so I don't think physical contact is truly necessary, to be classed as an affair; it's an affair of the mind.

Linda.

[Priscilla1018]

Yes...I think that you can. If the exchange between the parties is honest and upfront, I think you can really develop a very close bond through the exchange of ideas, feelings, and emotions. Is it cheating? Well...as a former President of the United States once remarked..."It all depends on what your definition of IS is." I have pondered the thought that it may border on being emotionally unfaithful...yes. When a person is in a committed relationship, and is not being emotionally or intellectually satisfied by their partner through no fault of their own...and in this instance I am definitely NOT referring to sexual gratification here...it is probably logical that this person may seek an alternative way of expressing those pent up feelings. I know this has happened to me since I have become a member of this forum. I have had the pleasure of bonding with a number of my contemporaries on this site, and have made what I know will continue on to become life long friendships here as a result of it. The opportunity to "see" others through the printed word without pre-judging them on appearance...can be a very powerful, and rewarding, stimulus.

All I know is that I am very thankful and grateful for both this site being in existence, and for the wonderful people that I have had the pleasure of getting to know since I have been a member. Thank you one and all for your love, your support, and most of all, for your friendship.


Love,
Chrissie:)

Very well said Chrissie.That's exactly how I feel about this site and the friends I have made here.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[MsMichelle]

Yes...I think that you can. If the exchange between the parties is honest and upfront, I think you can really develop a very close bond through the exchange of ideas, feelings, and emotions. Is it cheating? Well...as a former President of the United States once remarked..."It all depends on what your definition of IS is." I have pondered the thought that it may border on being emotionally unfaithful...yes. When a person is in a committed relationship, and is not being emotionally or intellectually satisfied by their partner through no fault of their own...and in this instance I am definitely NOT referring to sexual gratification here...it is probably logical that this person may seek an alternative way of expressing those pent up feelings. I know this has happened to me since I have become a member of this forum. I have had the pleasure of bonding with a number of my contemporaries on this site, and have made what I know will continue on to become life long friendships here as a result of it. The opportunity to "see" others through the printed word without pre-judging them on appearance...can be a very powerful, and rewarding, stimulus.

All I know is that I am very thankful and grateful for both this site being in existence, and for the wonderful people that I have had the pleasure of getting to know since I have been a member. Thank you one and all for your love, your support, and most of all, for your friendship.


Love,
Chrissie:)


I really must agree with Christines thoughts. Over the years I have had the sincere priviledge of finally meeting with a few Transgendered friends that I have written to and chatted with for well over a year or so. In that time it's astonishing just how close you can become. There is such a strong bond that forms especially when the circumstances and experiences are so close. There is yet another bond that is formed just by the virtue that they too are in a unique situation called Transgender. Membership in that sisterhood can open some pretty deep seated emotions that you can't share with just anyone, nor would just anyone really even understand the emotional roller coaster that we can find ourselves riding.
My wife has told me more than once that she at times is quite jealous of the relationship that I have with my Transgendered friends. Again it's evident that only someone who is really living the lifestyle can really understand.

Warmest regards,

Michelle Renee

[Katiegirl]

I started emailing a woman about my own age in 1999, then we started "chating" on MSN or Yahoo.

In 2000 I flew over to Chicago and to met her and we both hit it off straight away. Since that time we have talked to each other most days on chat and have been to each other's country about twice a year. On one trip a couple of years go we went to South Africa for 3 weeks visiting my relations and traveling to game parks like the Kuga.

Neither of us wish to leave our country of birth but remain very good friends.

So the answer to your question is yes you can have an affair and not cheat, as long as you are honest with each other. In answer to your question No I have not told her about my cding as we only see each other twice a year and I only restarted in the last year. If our relationship was going to be permanent then I would.

Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, life is a Bitch

[melissacd]

I agree that it is possible to love more than one person at a time. While this is something that modern romanticism frowns on, I believe that it is reality. One person cannot, in my opinion, fulfill all of another person's needs.

I agree that by today's relationship standards, regardless of whether it is physical or emotional or both and especially if done in secret, it can be considered an affair. I suspect that by that definition many of us are having affairs.

Now this does not mean that I agree that this is the correct definition, just that I am pretty certain that if many of us asked our spouses for their opinion it would be - "yes you are being unfaithful" because faithfulness is generally considered mind, body and soul, a complete giving of ones self to another. The fact that so many people violate this definition suggests that it is flawed.

The wonder of the Internet is that it has made it possible to meet others on a more intimate level without actually meeting. You can explore what is so hard to explore face to face. You can discuss a range of things that might normally get your face slapped. People are more willing to open up in the realm of webanimity. The neat thing is that you can express and explore so much more than in real life. Relationships become so much richer, more interesting. You find that you are not the only one that feels a certain way about a certain something, whatever that may be.

Does that make it right? Who knows. Does that make it exciting, compelling, mind expanding, fulfilling, comforting...you bet!

[Tristen Cox]

The situation ........... you meet someone on the internet, you talk to each other a lot, you have a lot in common with them and without ever meeting them in the flesh you fall for them, but is that possible?
Can you fall for somebody who is only words on a computer screen?


Now if it is a realistic possibilty to fall for someone in this way, could it be classed as cheating on you're partner?

1) I never thought this was possible myself. Nor did I think it would be with another TS like myself of the same gender. But that's exactily what happened. For all intents and purposes we were in love and said so to each other. We 'saw' each other in both drag and drab and nothing seemed to change. Along time ago I had though it it were ever to be with a member of my own sex it would have to be someone special. Very special. I meet that person on a computer. Visiting them in person was a bit beyond our power being nearly 9,000 miles away. But the same feelings flowed as with any other time in my life that my heart had been taken and my blood burned to be with them. So to answer the first part of your question, yes anything is possible.

2) One of my good friends has also meet someone through a computer. She is married as well, and has meet this man whom she has fallen in love with in real life after exchanging e-mails etc. So it can definitly turn into an affair, and become cheating.

3) I made friends with a girl nearly two years ago in the summer of 03'. We clicked and had lots of fun during the day where we worked together. At the job we never spoke romantically, only spoke seriously a couple odd times about her boyfriend(who was father of her child). They were not married but had been engaged for seven years(yeah that's what I said,wtf why don't they just get hitched already) Well After a couple times she followed me home just playing around but never stayed to chat, it was sort of a game. She was cute and I always felt like a 17 year old around her. So one day I dropped her my yahoo ID. Well a few days went by an some normal friendly phone calls, then I got a message from someone on yahoo and imediately knew who it was although she was at her sister's house on her yahoo contacting me. What we said there on the computer was much more than friendly, and certainly cheating at least emotionally on her part. However it stayed on the computer and while at work there were too many eyes to watch us that could get information back to her home, so we kept things secret. The point came when she told me she loved me, yet this was on the phone(a payphone I might add). The whole relationship 'emotionally' had developed on the internet. I won't go off topic and waste time explaining the circumstances that separated us, save to say it wasn't meant to be. She was too afraid to leave him and lose her son no matter how unhappy she herself was with this man. Again this was still an affair in my book.

Hopefully someone will figure out what it is I just said because I lost it myself:p

[DonnaT]

Well Mand, my response on Rose's was short so I'll post it again here.

We see all the time here in the states. People meeting online, getting involved emotionally (which is when it becomes cheating BTW), and then taking it to the next level. Some to never be heard from again.

[mand]

Well Mand, my response on Rose's was short so I'll post it again here.

We see all the time here in the states. People meeting online, getting involved emotionally (which is when it becomes cheating BTW), and then taking it to the next level. Some to never be heard from again.


Hello Donna, I feel a bit of a cheat doing this thread again, but someone did suggest it, so I did it again, and there as been some fantastic repies to read on here.
I notice on Roses there is always the same person who likes to belittle any threads I do.
This person is what you might call a 'know it all', and has little digs a me when they can, but the person is a pratt so stuff em ;)

This is much better on here, no ones 'had a go at me yet', on the other site there's always someone having a little dig or something.

Anyway I think I had best shut up :)


love mand xxx

[Marianne]

oohhhhh

The answer is yes, absolutely. From personal life experiences.

Way way back before the internet was popular, there were several commercial services available. Compuserve, Genie, 'The Well' are all examples. There was also 'Fidonet', which was the amateur dial up BBS service that linked tens of thousands of local bulletin boards (think message board in todays terms) together.

I met my second wife on Genie, proposed to her (and she accepted) before we'd met 'in the flesh'. I gave up my life, my career and moved across an ocean to marry her.

It didn't work out.

Fast forward a decade or so.

My third wife met her boyfriend on the internet, after about 12 years of marriage.

Even before they'd met, she had decided that our marriage was 'over', and that she wanted me to leave so that he could move in.

I'd say that was an 'affair'. I'd also call it 'cheating'. :rolleyes:

[melissacd]

I am so sorry that you have had a bad time on "Roses". That is totally uncalled for. Some people can be very mean.

I have always appreciated what you have to say and enjoy the topics that you suggest. Always say what you want and feel need to say. I will not speak for others, however, I will always listen without judging or belittling. I am pretty sure most others at this site will do the same. That is what I love about this place. :) It is a place of love and tolerance.

[Aloha_Dana]

Is there such a thing as an Internet Affair? and if there is can it be classed as cheating?
You bet it is cheating. Posting on the Internet allows people to open up in ways they cannot do so in person. They get to hide behind the computer, which, allows them to, not only be more mean, but also to be way more honest. Getting very personal. Because it is so easy to do.

One should save their personal, most intimate feelings w/their SO. If you are in a monogomous relationship, sharing intimate feelings and having very personal chats w/others is crossing the line, of faith that you will be most intimate w/your SO.

Doing so IS CHEATING.

Don't think so? Put yourself in the situation: You are in an intimate relationshiop w/your SO, you are honest to a degree w/them and no one else, then you find out that your SO is being chatting intimately w/someone else. You'd be heartbroken.

It happened to me. It sucked.

Dana

[Brandy_Marie]

This post is very interesting, because the opinions and beliefs I am seeing here don't seem to reflect my experiences in life. But maybe that's because we are all more similar than the people I'm used to dealing with.

It has been my experience that most people in this day and age, when talking about cheating, they are talking about physical acts related to sex. I've always disagreed with this myself. Here's why.

IMHO, your average macho male who lives by societies standards views sex as a very physical urge. Most of the time, when the average man cheats in a relationship, it seems to be because his physical needs are not being met.

Women, on the other hand, view sex as being a more emotional experience. Women tend to 'cold-shoulder' their partners when they are unhappy and unable to communicate this to their partners. If this goes on long enough, they seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere.

This also seems to explain the differing reactions to cheating between men and women. Men tend to get upset about cheating because of the thought of someone else touching 'their woman'. Women get upset because they feel emotionally betrayed.

I've seen cheating destroy relationships, and I've also seen it strengthen it. Usually it follows a pattern like this: The woman is unhappy, can't resolve the relationship problems by talking to the man, cuts the man off, and then it's a waiting game to see which one is going to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

The relationships that have survived have been the ones where the betrayer feels bad, realizes how important the relationship is to them, admits their betrayal, and they use the incident as a catalyst to discuss and resolve the problems in the relationship. The ones that fail either never get past the jealousy, the hurt, or one of the partners is a habitual cheater. The last is more of a personality issue than a relationship issue; if you are the unfortunate partner of that person, i suggest you run away quickly.

I guess because I think like a woman, the emotional betrayal seems more important to me. I can get past sexual betrayal for any reason, if I truly love the person and believe the love is mutual. As long as it is not repetitive. The bigger danger, to me, is falling in love with someone else. This can happen without any physical contact whatsoever. These relationships can begin at work, over the phone, and especially online. I have no hope of saving my relationship if my partner gives their heart to someone else. So I'd definitely have to say that yes, Internet affairs are very possible, and they should definitely be considered cheating.

One real-world example to back this up occurred recently. It was either in Thailand or Taiwan, I don't remember which. A 20-year old man was dating a woman he had met and fell in love with in High School. However, he did not trust her. So he created an online alter-ego and began e-mailing her. She started having an internet affair with this alter-ego that he created. In the real world, he was getting angry because she kept this from him. Before he could confront her, she broke up with him. She told him she was leaving him for someone she met on the Internet. He committed suicide and revealed in his suicide note to her that he had created the alter-ego she was leaving him for.

Sorry, I'll relinquish the soap box again. I really enjoy the engaging and informative topics around here; sorry if I talk too much.

Cheers,

Brandy Marie Devereaux

[veronica]

The guy in me says its only cheating if and when you get caught. (Admit nothing!!!)

However, the girl in me feels that yes you can fall in love without a physical attraction. Also, if you are sharing intamate feelings or thoughts (not necessarily sexual) by all means that is cheating and must stop at once.

[Sharon]

Hi Mand.
I had the opportunity to see your thread in the other forum (just an occasional lurker there myself) and I thought it was an interesting thread, despite how some of Rose's members reacted.
I think it is very possible, indeed, to have an affair on the net. If one talks intimately with another person, sharing talk that one normally only shares with those they know most carnally, they are having an affair of the heart, which can be just as intense as if they were together bodily.
The main problem with this is that you never really know who it is you're involved with. Is the person on the other end of the line who and what they say they are, or are they playing a role, just as actors playing a part in a movie do?
In my opinion, cheating means more than physical infidelity. Emotional infidelity can be just as destructive, and even more so, if we fail to share these thoughts and feelings with our actual SO's and it is very possible to "fall for" someone through a computer monitor. We just don't know for sure who and what it is that we're falling for.

[Wendy me]

well new to this coumpter thing ..i just got my frist one in sept. of 04. i could never see how someone could like get close to someone on the coumpter . well i can say this for shure that i have met some people on the coumpter that will for ever have a place in my heart. not saying that i am haveing a internet romance or anything like that . but i have found out that you can get to know people on the coumpter and i think that it is veary well possable for anything to happen . .............

[melissacd]

Your observations on the motivations for male versus female cheating are wonderful. There is a great insight here. Also it suggests that there can be an important renewal that can happen as a result of one of these transgressions. Now if we can get to the renewal without having to go through the transgression :)

I am finding as I read through these posts that I am learning a great deal I had never considered before about why people cheat. What you say, certainly as a general case (because all rules have exception cases), makes a great deal of sense to me.

Thanks for giving us something new to consider.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

As I read these posts, I cannot help but notice a common denominator. Broken trust. But the issue seems to be, as I see it at least, isn't the relationships developed, but the lies told.

It is one's intent that determines if a relationship should be considered an affair or not. If your instincts tell you to lie about something, that should be your first "red flag" that something is wrong. If you choose to lie and at that point, knowingly continue on that path, well, deception snowballs. One needs to be, not only honest with their partner, but foremost, with one's self. Only we know what our true intentions are and where we want to go with them. When it comes to friendship, on the net or face to face, that line is already drawn. There is no desire to make that relationship more then it is. There is no need to lie or hid or keep secrets, therefore, no trust is broken, no feelings hurt, no lives disrupted.

So I have to say, it is what one desires and what one is actually looking for, that should determine if something is considered and affair or act of betrayal. This, as many issues in life, is not as simple as black and white. There is a lot of grey area.

[mand]

Can I just say I am so glad it was suggested to re post the thread on this site, the answers are fantastic.

On the other site the majority of the replies took the attitude that I was bored or had been smoking weed to come up with such a thread.


Thankyou all, love mand xxx

[Julia Legs]

Hi Mand,You pose a question that really makes one think about an answer.The only problem with the question is who are you cheating on if you consider it cheating.I feel the only one who is the biggest loser in the end is the person trying to find happiness.I know this simply because i met someone(here)not in person but as you say Internet Affair and was compleatly ready to uproot my life to be with that person and the point of it all was not on me but rather someone creating a "impending change in relationship"if one does not comply.So if anything,the one looking for happiness even if its considered by some that an internet affair is cheating,that person usually wnds up losing it all.I know,I just went through it and it will be a long time before if ever that it happens again.I posted a piece in here on Respect some time ago,I think it even applies in this matter of an Internet Affair.It's too bad that there are so many out there who can't even consider the feelings of the people they KNOW their going to screw over in the end.But thats one girls opinion. ;)

[timme]

Hi Mand,
Yes it's possible to have a Internet affair with the person your chatting with on the other end.I'm having one presently,& it's the most erotic thing I've ever done over the Internet .I don't think she A TV/CD would feel any different in how she feel about me.We have vary sexual chats just about every night.We plan to get together this summer for the "REAL THING!"
HUGS,& KISSES
TIMME

[Tristen Cox]

Can I just say I am so glad it was suggested to re post the thread on this site, the answers are fantastic.

On the other site the majority of the replies took the attitude that I was bored or had been smoking weed to come up with such a thread.


Thankyou all, love mand xxx
Oh yeah, but that was part of the plan for the next thread :D :p ;)

[mand]

Oh yeah, but that was part of the plan for the next thread :D :p ;)

Tristen, oh you little devil :)
lots love mand xxx

[carolynhcd]

Although all of the replies to this thread have been honest, heartfelt and well-considered, I remain a little confused. I guess that is because of a presupposition that seems to run through them all. Is it cheating when you tell your SO from the first moment that you are falling for someone, let them read all your correspondence with that other person, and never deny to either person that you are in love with them both? I am currently going through something very like this. My GF knows that I have fallen in love with someone I met on this site, someone who is not only spiritually lovely, but also incredibly beautiful and desireable. We have had a bit of a wrangle about it from time to time, because she is as naturally jealous as I would be. But I cannot deny that I am falling more in love with this new person by the hour. Am I cheating? I would love to hear your opinion, girls. I want so much to be everything to both of them, to give every bit of love I have in me, as I think they both want to do for me. I have been completely honest with each of them and made sure they know everything they want to know about the other. Ideally, I would love to live with them both in the same house. I know that can be very difficult, but I think I could love them both equally and without any reservation. I await your comments.