Self Loathing of a Secret CD at Christmas

[WendyCD]

I hope you won't mind if I share (confess?) some of the guilt, isolation and hopefuly some redemption I feel at Christmas. It seems somewhat stronger this year...

The weather was terrible Sunday. Ah... but the stores were empty! I had just bought some of my favorite panties at Sears (Olga), with no witnesses! Rather than drop them at the car before heading to the next store (raining hard...) I just stuffed them in my coat pocket and headed into the next mall entrance to Kohl's. I needed buy a gift for Susan, who works at my office, for our Xmas party Monday.

Walking past Gold's Gym and watching "real men" pumping big iron through the glass I wondered how I'd be received in the locker room as I slipped out of my male slacks and began rolling off my silky panty hose and panties...Looking across the mall, the nail and tanning salon...interesting! While not as menacing, my reception there would be no more welcoming...Alone in this big mall. Oh well...maybe Kohl's has something in my size on the clearance rack.

But maybe this is why my Christmas list is taking sooo long to finish??

The lure of shopping and looking around in any department, in any store, with impunity has left me too focused on my self and I feel isolated and different from everyone else.

I should just buy Susan's present (she'll love it!) and get on with it and maybe get something nice for my daughter - go home, watch the game with my youngest son. My oldest is home from his second year at college - God how I've missed him...we should go shopping together, for books and music and an amplifier for that cool sub his friend gave him. And of course, most importantly, something for his mom, my wife.

We will do that today.

[Lisa Rose]

That's why I shop for everyelse first. Then if there's any money left I don't feel guilty for shopping for myself. It's something that's taken a few years to learn about myself but then the shopping for myself is more fun, relaxed and enjoyable.

[fuzzybe]

Hey Wendy,
I 've felt like this before to, you shouldn't be so hard on your self. I know is hard holding in a secret that society doesn't fully accept yet. You have to remember your not the only one with a secret that society doesn't accept. I am sure if you read the minds of the other people in the mall you would see you aren't alone and that other people are in to much worse things. Your secret doesn't cause any harm to you or anyone else, so there isn't any thing wrong with it.

You shouldn't feel different from anyone, part of the xmas industry is about luring you into department stores and making you feel lost and confused.

[Littlej10]

Hi Wendy,
You are not alone. I hate to think what horrible secrets some of the "real men" are probably hiding, much worse than wanting to wear pretty clothes. Go ahead and find pleasure in buying presents for your family and friends then treat yourself for being a loving and sensitive person.

[Kate Simmons]

When you think about it, we are all "victims" of all the advertising, the hype and the stereotyping sometimes more than we care to admit. The trick is to rise above it my friend and just enjoy being yourself and enjoy your family. We only feel lonely if we allow ourselves to. Enjoy your holidays.:happy:

[il.dso]

Thanks for your thoughts on this topic. I, too, have felt sad and lonely walking in malls, fearful to shop. I see some many beautiful things that I want. It's hard and frustrating. I usually do get the courage and, if I make a good purchase, it's all worthwhile. I really do love to get dressed up and feel like the shopping part is a hassle I'll have to deal with, for now.

[Jolene]

I feel like the rest of you about this. Is is so comforting to have a place as this I can come to for company and encouragement and know I am not alone in this that I do.
Jolene

[sandra-leigh]

.Looking across the mall, the nail and tanning salon...interesting! While not as menacing, my reception there would be no more welcoming...

Wendy, a number of poster have indicated that they have no problems with the staff at nail salons. A minority have overheard a little bit of talking about them (other customers moreso than staff), but nothing they couldn't handle. And some of the posters have reported that they've had some great conversations in nail salons, being treated like "one of the girls" even by the other customers who could determine easily that they were male (e.g., even in drab.)

Experiences are going to vary from place to place, naturally. I think I could probably go to most any nail salon in the city I live in, probably even in drab, and be treated well enough. I did stop in at one last year to ask about prices, and they didn't hesitate at all in talking to me when they figured out that I was asking for myself.

I get my hair cut at a hair salon that mostly deals with women. They are completely fine with my discussing with them the degree to which I want my hair to look femine that time, or my saying things like "I'd like to keep my hair long over the ears to cover over earrings."

I would be unable to count the number of sales associates and store owners who know that I cross-dress. For example, the other day when I was in the Lady's Wear floor of a local department store, I was asking whether they had a particular kind of skirt, and in describing it, I said, in clear hearing range of a couple of sales associates, "... Something that I could wear in winter." I hadn't intended to indicate so clearly that it was for me (well, not until it was time to try it on, if they had something interesting), but that gives you an indication of how little "What will they think of me??" is on my mind. (It didn't bother any of the clerks, by the way -- they were probably too preoccupied thinking about "It's nearly time to go home, hurray!")

[Dalece]

Wendy, I was out shopping for Christmas for my wife at targets. Got want she wanted and was going past womens clothes. Got anew skirt for me 75% off only 10.oo couldn't pass it up.Then next door was Payless shoes Must be steel Magnet drew me in Found a new set of heels on sale. guess who has new shoes.