ToniB is dying

[ToniB]

I have known for some time that I was approaching the date of my death. But before you shed tears and reach for you handkerchief, it’s only at a rate of 24 hours every day, just like you! No, apart from my feet, I am in perfect health, as far as I know. My little joke!

However, I have decided that the time has come to try again to re-open the dialogue with my wife regarding my CD “hobby”. If you’ve read any of my posts, you will remember, when I first mentioned the subject to her about 15 years ago, she said “I don’t not want to know” anything about it, and the subject has been off limits for much of the time since. I don’t know if she is aware that I am still dressing when she is out of the house, I didn’t say I wouldn’t, but I’m very discreet, and she is not aware that I am a member here. I can only guess what she would think if she knew how much of my female self I have exposed to the rest of you here! But I don’t regret that, I feel a weight I have been carrying alone for the last 50 years has been lifted off my shoulders.

Since I got to know many of you, read your posts, listened to your advice to me and others, I have renewed confidence. I intend to purchase “My Husband Betty”, read it myself, ask my wife to read it, and attempt to discuss it a chapter at a time. I have to say, I have found it very very difficult to get her to open up on any subject remotely concerning sex, so I travel more in hope than in expectation. I will tell her I have found a great place on the ‘net at “crossdressers.com” where I have been posting, but I do not want her (yet) to see everything I have posted as ToniB, and apart from deleting it all, I have decided to let ToniB die off, by not posting under that name again, in the hope that after a week or so, my input will be buried under new stuff. She may very well make the connection between my real name and a Cheshire location if she sees it (maybe I can edit out Cheshire!), it’s pretty obvious to me (but then I know!). I don’t want to go away, so I’ll re-invent myself with a new name and start posting things I’d be happier for her to see at this stage, and I’ll ask her to look in or join in on the GGs section. I don’t know what they say to one another, because, as a CD, I’m excluded, but I assume the GGs who post there must be pretty supportive (I hope!). I will take it very softly-softly of course. I know that harping on the subject or trying to ram it down my wife's throat will have the opposite effect to what I want, and any further words of encouragement or advice will be most welcome on this thread for about a week. Then I hope it will quietly slip over the horizon and out of sight.

It really has been a pleasure to have known all of you. I gratefully thank those of you who have answered my questions honestly and thoughtfully. In as little as 10 weeks, you really have helped me to come to terms with what I am, and even though I’m not particularly sure myself, at least I know that many of you are turned on in the same way I am. It’s very reassuring to know that I’m not alone, and there are many who share the same pleasures and frustrations. I’ve also enjoyed the friendly banter that I’ve shared with some of you (Good Friday’s Wigan win over St.Helens was a mere glitch Sandra!). I sincerely hope that some of my posts have proved equally as useful and reassuring to others, as yours have to me; we are after all here to help one another, and have a little fun while we are at it.

So, it’s good-bye from ToniB. I won’t post again for a week or so, and then re-join as “Dragster”. I’ll also sign off with my real name (a femme name may not go down too well yet!) until I see how the land lies. My posts will be written as though I’m new to the site, and I apologise if some of you are taken in and treat me as a new member in need of initial reassurance, I’m not trying to fool you, just trying to ensure that my wife does not see too much too soon. And please, please, please do not refer to ToniB in any of your future posts, it would rather defeat the objective of this act of deception. I’ve hated the deceit and secrecy for the whole of my married life (and before). Let’s hope this is successful, and everything can be brought into the open at last. I will keep you posted of progress of course.

So long, not good bye.

ToniB is dead. Long live Dragster!

[jhnjks]

Good luck, best wishes and hugs. I have enjoyed your posts and can understand your problems all too well.

May you never red-light, dragster

[Sharon]

Goodbye ToniB and good luck to you! I'll be waiting for your reincarnation.

[Aloha_Dana]

Remember Girl, for the reluctant or hesitant ones, it goes sssssssssllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwww...

Bring her on! We got your back.

Dana

[timme]

What Happen you fall in love with a lady who drives fast cars for a living? Well Toni B was ok,but you'll soon be living in the fast lane.AH! better hold that skirt hem down theres a lot of wind at that speed girl.On a serious side I'm not sure how your wife feels about you being a CD,but if she loves you she accept you for who YOU ARE? Not some one in the closet TV like a lot of us.It's no wonder almost everyone is in the closet there needs to be more communication between are family,& loves oneI wrote a thread on this issue. Your dressing up sure isn't going to go away any time too soon.It will be with you untill the day you die! (NOT ToniB though she's got a week to go and then it's over for her right?)

LOVE TIMME

[DanaJ]

ToniB - best of luck to you :) I'll be keeping my fingers crossed...

DanaJ

[ChristineRenee]

Welcome to the forum Dragster...in advance....and best of luck to you and your wife in coming to an understanding about your CD'ing. We will be here for you if you need us.


Love,
Chrissie:)

[Tristen Cox]

As I said in in my pm I won't say goodbye;) Hello Dragster!

Good luck Toni

[Cissy Suzie]

To the only grrl here who actually accused me of being a GG (I never really figured out if you were serious) Good Luck.

Welcome home Dragster !! :)

[Marianne]

ToniB, bye! *waves*

Dragster! Welcome! *smiles*

Stand tall grrl, you leave us with perhaps some self doubt, some guilt.

And you will return 'reborn'.

You have grown, you have learned, soon you will accept the dark side as your mistress.

Woops. The dark side of the force is strong in this one!

But seriously, I wish you well, and 'letting go' of ToniB is a 'brave' move. It signifies and demonstrates that you have grown as a person.

One day, you will be able to tell your grandchildren of this, and perhaps one day, you can tell your wife of this. And perhaps, one day, she will understand.

If not, then always remember, this decision of yours was done out of love and respect for her. Even though she may never learn of it, you made a choice based on that love and respect.

[Wendy me]

good bye and hello you put some thought in this i hope all goes well.....
good luck.....love wendy

[ronna]

Farewell, ToniB, someday I want to see you in that dress you have pictured. I know you can sew! You are a special person.

-Ronna

[ToniB]

I couldn't resist another post......
Well, so many of you responded to my thread that you deserved a reply. I was overwhelmed by the response to my first thread, when I bared my soul and told you things about me that I hadn't dared tell anyone before, and I'm overwhelmed with your good wishes at my decision to try again to get my wife to share something which is really important to me, but not so important that I would put it ahead of her; far from it. The very last thing I wish to do is to put my relationship with my wife in danger, but I do appreciate that I'm taking a big risk in bringing this subject up again. If I don't manage to change her mind, and she says she is against me dressing, even while she is out, then I'm in a worse position than I am now, and worse still if I ever get caught! But I'll cross that bridge if, and only if I get to it. I'm aiming for a positive outcome, and talking about it openly is the first hurdle to be overcome. Now I'm waiting for "My Husband Betty" to be delivered, the bandwagon is rolling!

Aloha Dana, yes I'll take it ssssslllllooooowwwww!

DanaJ, I've bookmarked "SexyShoes" for when my feet are mended, and assuming I'll have more freedom then.

Suzie, I know I WAS paying you a compliment, but yes I was serious! If I hadn't been on a CD site, I would not have known. But then, I did only get 11/16 on the recognition quiz!

Marianne, I AM doing this out of love and respect for my wife, but I guess I'm being selfish too. I want more freedom to CD, but more importantly, I want enjoy the rest of my life with her.

Ronna, I've had to explain to many people, that my avatar is not me, but a picture of a GG in a cheongsam, which I find a most erotic dress. My ambition is to wear one to show off my figure (40" 28" 40" with tight corset) in a shiny, figure-hugging, leg restricting, sheath of brightly coloured satin. Add make-up, a long dark wig, black stockings and 5" strappy sandals and I'll be in seventh heaven (Your pictures were an inspiration Dana, Thanks). And yes, if I can't find exactly what I want, I'll get out my sewing machine and make one, or modify one to fit properly.

For all of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your good wishes and encouragement. I may still post again, I guess I set this thread up after most of my British friends had gone to bed, I needed to wait until my wife was asleep! I hope the day will come when I don't have to!

So long....again!
ToniB

[derminator]

Good luck ToniB..... by the way...nice user of title to grab attention....

I read your post with interest..... your position in life wsith your SO is not dis-similar to my own..... the subject with my SO is almost taboo... but i plan to , want to , need to change that.

I 'll watch your progress closely... so please keep em coming.

[Di]

Best Wishes hon,,,We will all be watching for your return to welcome you.....And I hope your wife will join the GG group,,,,,,We will welcome her with open arms and she can ask or say anything there,,,we are a positive group there so no worry. I,ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you

[Annabel Girlie]

Good luck Toni

Like some of the other posts, I am in a similar position. My wife has 'found out' 3 times over the past 10 years (we have been married for nearly 20) and each time it has been very negative; she won't tolerate me doing it at any time in any way. I have tried to explain and at least get her to accept me doing it 'out of sight, out of mind', but even that's a no go. She is always concerned about "what it might lead to..." She thinks I just wear panties and stockings, and have worn a bra only once ot twice, and a skirt once or twice (a slight understatement of the facts!!) so in a way, I am already way ahead of the "what things might lead to.." Having dressed since I was 12, and often tried to stop (most recently at Easter - but here I am, so how succesful was that?!) I can't see how this will work out.

I would love to hear how you get on. Best of luck

Love

Annabel

[Priscilla1018]

Toni,

Best of luck to you. It sounds as if you have given this step a great deal of thought.We will always be here when you need us.Looking forward to welcoming Dragster to the forum.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[malecynthia]

Bye ToniB. Your posts, both open and private, have made me appreciate how lucky I am to have a wife who goes along with and helps me with my crossdressing "hobby". Although she lost all interest in having sex with me about 10 years ago (nothing to do with my crossdressing - that came later) we have managed to arrive at a situation, after 40 years of marriage, where we enjoy our play time. Enough of me, though. Apart from your wife's attitude, we seem to have quite a bit in common and I do so hope that the time will come when you can sit down and discuss your liking for wearing ladies clothes and she will come to realise that you are still the same person she fell in love with and married.
Hi Dragster. You are still the same person I met a couple of months ago and came to like as a friend. See you around.
Cynthia.

[Carrah]

Well, I don't know; I guess I just don't get it. I mean, 15 years? You ought to be able to share anything with her, I would think. On the other hand, I don't think it's always necessary to tell all. I mean, if Bush felt being truthful with the world about Iraq was a good idea he would have simply said, Look, I'm just tired of their crap, so I'm going to go in there and kick their butts around a little." Truth is, we're lied to all the time; it has to be that way. Pacino said it best, "you can't handle the truth!" That's as true a statement as I've ever heard.

With that, is there really a reason to tell her about the website? And, as far as the book goes; I've never really cared what anyone else is doing and so I don't try to use anyone else as justification for the things I do. My kid used that same argument when she was 12-years-old. Well, tried to; "My friends parents let her, so why won't you let me?"

Man, if after 15 years of marriage or whatever your relationship is or was you can't tell her the truth about your dressing without fear of loosing her, I think you need to consider your situation and what exactly your life means to you.

You know what? Instead of telling her about your past and about what you've been doing over the years and about your online relationship with all of us, why don't you just tell her you think it's time the two of you had some fun? My girlfriend and I are having a lot of fun with this. Sunday she put on my breast forms, which have to be around a tripple D on her, and proceeded to dress as sleezily as she possibly could, which looked pretty hot to me. In fact, I told her the next day off she has we're taking a ride with her dressed in that very same way! I could have approached the whole issue in an entirely different light by trying to pursuade her that what I'm doing is normal and to show her how in fact so many other guys are doing it and so on and to be honest, I very briefly considered that approach. But, my feeling was that using such an approach would feed or fuel any negative concerns she may have had.

Look, I am as normal as normal gets, my friend. There are guys out there drinking and beating their spouses every night. There are guys out there who are yellers; who refuse to get dressed, refuse to shave, refuse to shower, refuse to flush the toilet, refuse to take care of the house, refuse to work, and the list just goes on and on and on.

Though I am a crossdresser, I am still a man; still the man she met and fell in love with; still the man that protects her, cares for her, and watches over her. There is no difference in my personality when I am dressed in womens clothing and maybe I'm just not playing the role properly, but that's me. As I said in an earlier post; I am as likely to go off about her forgetting to stop by the store for cigarettes in a dress as I am in Wrangler Jeans. Last night the dogs were going off about midnight and I mean going off. I slid on my pink slippers, through on my cotton crewneck dress, slipped into my shoulder rig with 31 rounds of .40 cals., grabbed my shotgun, threw the .38 at the girlfriend, and headed out the door to find a couple of guys squatting in the woods across the street. Do you really; really and truly think they cared if I was standing there in pink slippers with a dress on after seeing that shotgun and shoulder rig; do you really? It was yes sir and no sir. You know, whatever! And if the girlfriend had any doubts whatsoever about me in a dress I nipped those in the butt right then and there.

If you fear the dog, the dog will bite. As I have also said in an earlier post; I have long ago chosen to walk among the feared, rather than among the fearful. It's all about attitude, my friend. Dressing in womens clothing doesn't mean you're dumb or stupid, flawed or mentally deficiant; it means you have made an important discovery! You have come to realize all the advantages to crossdressing; the colors, the fabrics, the challenges associatated with it, the confidence and courage that it builds in ones self! Like I said, it takes a HUGE set of brass balls for a man to admit he likes to occasionally pretend he has none!

I don't advertise that I dress anymore than I would advertise that I masturbate, or that I happen to have a 7.5 inch penis (on a good day), or that my girlfriend likes her nipples pinched, or any of that stuff! On the other hand, I'm not overly concerned about being caught, either! Just think about it for a moment; would you rather be standing in front of a bunch of young children naked or with a dress on? Would Michael Jackson be in the situation he's in now had he a dress on instead of being naked? There are far, far worse things in life than wearing dresses my man, far worse things...

[Julie York]

Oh I see! You go to bed for a couple of hours sleep and what happens?

Good luck ToniB. Catch you on the other side, as it were.

[Teddie]

Sayonara, ToniB.

Irrasshaimase, Dragster.

[DonnaT]

Sure hope the talk goes well Toni.

Also hope, that if she does come on this site, she doesn't do a search for the word "Dragster" :eek:

[Sarah Ellis]

maybe a little later than i'd have liked, thanx to the soccer,lol but all the best toni n a welcome to your fresh incarnation.. if i remember i have read the book you mentioned somewhere before and its quite interesting. take care, Satin x

edited for the typing error, i blame the vodka for that..

[MsMichelle]

My most sincere best wishes to you Toni. Being blessed with the epitome of a supportive wife for 8 years now, all I can tell you is that it is most certainly worth the effort.
After running a support group specifically for married TG couples for the last five years I could very likely spend hours with you giving you all the do's and don'ts.
I'm sure you have likely heard them by all by now. But never the less, from those of us blessed with supportive wives, our best wishes!!

Michelle Renee

[satin-sarina]

ToniB,

I never say goodbye only farewell, I will see you soon.

You know our love & very best wishes are always with you. Good luck with your wife, I hope she comes around.

Love always

Satin Sarina

xxxxsatinxxxx

[Dragster]

I'm working on it Satin, believe me!

Tony