How did it go when you first told your wife or partner?

[Ashley Williams]

It is five days since I accepted that I could no longer endure the agony keeping such an important aspect of my life a secret from my wife of almost 10 years.

Shortly after we met I had told her that it was something I used to do - which was true. After a break of around ten years the need began to re-surface some two years ago.

I had done my homework and printed off as many objective and dispassionate articles as I could find without intimidating her.

The Net Doctor was a particularly objective example, I thought.

We were out on our own on a glorious sunny Sunday morning. She knows I am taking medication for depression and I said that I was going to seek further counseling as I felt particular issues were remaining unaddressed.

When she asked what issues, I told her that my need to cross-dress had returned.

I have to say I expected some connection to the difficult summer we have had. She has been going through the menopause ‘with a vengeance’ and I have been very moody.

Instead – I got a stunned silence. Nothing I have ever said or done before has had this reaction. I explained about the articles and when we got back home I left them out for her to refer to.

Yesterday she told me that she had tried to read some of them but that I should not be in any doubt that she does not want anyone else in the family to know and she doesn’t want to know anything more.

That is as far as we have got, at the moment. It is a scary time. How did it go for you?

[Phyliss]

Life was kinda like "living in a polar cave" for many weeks. I'd been dropping many "hints" and somehow that just didn't seem to penetrate. So, I had to simply take a day off from work and wear a skirt all day. Hours upon hours of talk and discussion were the norm for many weeks. Still, the icy reaction, was always there.
A little better than a year and 1/2 later there is some reluctant allowance on her part. "Total acceptance" is many years in the future, if ever. Participation is completely out of the question.
She knows and allows, is my present situtation and, I'll be happy at this stage.

[SiobhanW]

I did OK.

I brought up the subject very early on in the relationship when I slipped into a pair of her panties for a romantic encounter. When this didn't raise too many objections, and in fact brought on a question somewhat akin to "So what else do you get up to?" (something like that, it's been a long time), I moved on to showing myself to her while dressed, though without makeup, hair, and breast forms (those I intuitively felt/feel she couldn't handle, although it would be nice to be wrong).

[Melora]

She found me drunk and passed out, All enfem!, about a year ago.. I mean I had all of it "on", and my make up was smeared upon my face! I had just gotten done with taking pictures of my self, and quite a distasderous thing at that, I tell yah!, Not a good one to be had.. Anyways.. She found ME and, Quite a wake up call, And she even took pictures of me in all my passed out glory!!!
I still have these picture, but no one shall see...
But she and I talked and She understands me, I guess I am one of the lucky ones.. I sometimes wish that my dressing was the worst of our problems sometimes.., But it is not.. Thank god....
She dont want to see it, But she said that she understands, quite a few times since then Too, AND since then she has found quite a few thingies which just tells her what I am UP too.. :happy: Hehe.. :devil:
We will be Fine...

[audrey-lynn]

I didn't have to tell. The wife found my hiding place . We had a R-V that I used on weekends. Had my things hid in a cabinet under one of the beds. Will for some reason she got in and started looking around. Well I was out fishing at the time. When I got back there was a note on the table and my clothes. It said I found these things I hope they belong to you. See you tonight. Well when I saw her later see gave me a big bag and in it was all kinds of make-up and a bra and a couple blouses. She told she was ok with it but to keep it out of bedroom. That was 15 years ago. Still going strong.

[DAVIDA]

I told Jean the night that I asked her to marry me. Our 17th anniversary is tomorow! I think it went OK.

[Eugenie]

How did it go for you?

Hi Lesley,

Indeed it may have been hard and may remain difficult for a while, but I think that you have done the right thing.

Now to answer your question directly, for me it went very well at first as my wife took it for some sort of sexual fetishism. Being part of the "Sixties sexual liberation" generation, that was almost to be expected.

But when she came to realise that it was far more than a sexual fantazy, she became hostile and never wanted to talk about the subject with me. She wanted to have nothing to do with it.

Lately, more than 35 years later, things are starting to improve. Actually it was my coming out to our children (respectively 37 and 35 years young) that after triggering a severe crisis resulted in a much better mutual understanding.

I insist on the words MUTUAL UNDRESTANDING as we have as much to understand our wives as they have to understand us. I realized that indeed I had missed quite a few things about my wife's reaction to my X-dressing...

Talking has changed our situation for the better... I wish we could have had these discussions a lot earlier...
:hugs:
Eugenie

I hope that the evolution will be faster on your wife's side...

[Angela Burke]

Absolutely terrible due to my own cowardice in not letting my girlfriend know I am a crossdresser resulting in awful acrimonious situations. That's why I'm always honest about myself now at the start of any relationship.

[Angie G]

just over 2 years ago my wife was wearinha skirt it was a hot day we spent outside on the way home I went onder the pretense of the jeans are hot and girls can wear skirts why can't guys it's not fair and so on it went and over 2 years now she still loves me and is OK with my total dressing even bras and my forms and I give her the weekends as Ed her husband but I have my panties on :hugs:
Angie

[Emily Ann Brown]

Not anywhere close to as good as yours has so far. I'm divorced.


Emily Ann

[tracigirl_tv]

Absolutely terrible due to my own cowardice in not letting my girlfriend know I am a crossdresser resulting in awful acrimonious situations. That's why I'm always honest about myself now at the start of any relationship.

Angela, same here. It was a huge mistake for me not to share this with my (now ex) wife. It is not a mistake I will make again. I have been blessed to find a supportive, encouraging GG who not only accepts me for who I am, she loves me for who I am. Go figure *giggle*

[JoAnnDallas]

When I finially told my wife, she was real quite at first. she asked a few questions and I said the pat statements, (No I'm not gay, No I don't want to transistion, ane etc). A few days went by and I kept waiting for the other foot to drop. Finially she told me she was OK with it all, as long as she did not see me fully dressed. She was OK with me wearing more Unisex fem colthing like t-shirt, shorts, and etc. She even said I could goto my Tri-Ess meetings, but did not want to attend, but I could not get dressed in the house for it. So I wait until I get there to dress.

[Kristen Kelly]

Told my GF 18 months ago she has gone out to dinner and clubs with the girls and they ALL love her, she is becoming more accepting all the time.

Here are my posts take I wrote while it was happening back then http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34731

[KandisTX]

I told my wife (now), within three days after we met. Fortunately for me, it was something that was already in her reparte' of desires/likes so when we finally got together it was all cool with her.

Of course, this was NOT the case with the three previous wives. I didn't tell wife #1 until a year after we were married, and wife #2 knew relatively from the start, she thought she could change me, and wife number 3 met me while I was out en femme so there was no surprises there, but she grew jealous of the attention Kandis recieved when we were out together.

Kandis:love:

[paulap]

We went through the Elise Sutton questionnaire and it afforded me the opportunity to reveal myself. We had agreed to allow any answers without repercussion and it went very well. She is so awesome in this way. Completely non-judgemental. She accepts my secret side and enjoys what calming effects it has on me from an anger perspective. It puts me in such a more docile mood, albeit, I am very sensual and turned-on. This helps to keep me more in-tow. She told me the other day she did not mind my dressing, but she did not want me to be dressed to the nines every day when she arrives home from work. She did not want to be less dressed-up than me! Ha! LOL!

Anyway, the moral of the story is to find a way to be totally open and honest in both directions. Set a few rules up front that will give you both an "out" if it gets too intense.

[MJ]

not so well i am separated for almost 4 years ..

[Ashley Williams]

I should not be surprised - the replies posted point to scenarios and reactions that have some things in common and many differences.

Thanks to all who have responded so far. It was not a choice for me, really. Having communicated very well at the beginning of our relationship I did feel I owed it to my wife to 'come clean' about one of the reasons I had been having such emotional swings over the summer - ie it wasn't just her hormonal ups and downs!

Of course it is very early days, yet - and Christmas is near! Some seasonal good spirit may yet invade!

[Dawn D.]

I did it the chickens way. I wrote her a letter explaining in a synopsis of my life who I was and what had happened and how it had just come flooding back into reality recently. I then left it on the counter for her to find and went to bed. The next thing I know, she came into the bedroom and laid beside me and just held me. Don't get the wrong impression here, it was not all ok to just 'go for it' and let Dawn run. There were days of tears and talk and more tears. She was adjusting, but slowly. Then we reached a time when I thought all was lost, for she just didn't want to talk about it anymore. So, back to the letter writing campaign! Yep, I wrote her another one. This time I handed it to her personally before she left for work. It was aimed at showing her that I was still her "man" and that would never change and that we need to communicate in order for us to survive. It also outlined several known facts about how difficult this is on relationships and that sometimes it doesn't work out and sometimes it does. It asked her whether or not she wanted to make it all work and to let me know what she decides.

Well, after that one, it was like tha dam had broken and we had a flood of communication going on like we had never done before. I think that in that one weekend we got to know more about each other than we had in the previous 25 years. It's amazing the things you can learn just by listening! We found out that we still really liked each others company. She actually told me that she now understands that my feminine side has benefit to her. She now has a 'live in' friend who can offer some understanding from a feminine point of view. She said it was also nice to know that the toilet seat would always be in the down postion, too!

Since that time there have been ups and downs. Recently I have found that I have some other issues going on inside me. We have contacted a therapist for help to resolve. Without digressing too much from the OP, suffice it to say that a lifetime of being hot tempered is not a good thing and now that I have let Dawn be more a part of me it seems that the anger issues have turned inward. We're working on it. Anyway, my Wife has been an angel in accepting Dawn as a part of her life. I only hope that I can continue to do everything in my power to make it better for her. I also would wish that everyone here could have as caring, accepting and loving an SO as I have been so fortunate to have.




Dawn

[Teddie]

I told my wife shortly after we were married. I know. I know. I should have done it before, but back then there was no web and no support like there is here. Any way, when I told her it went a lot better then I expected it would. She was totally accepting and very supportive. She loves my feminine side very much, even in the bedroom. If I had to rate her, it would be an A++++
:love::love::love:

[rachel_mead]

I accepted the facts about myself back in October and saw a therapist for a few visits. I got to the point that I had to tell my wife. I hoped for a positive outcome but I imagined a bitter divorce. But I had to be happy, I had to be me, I had to tell my wife what I had learned about myself and finally accepted.

I told my wife in Oct 07 after 14+ years together. She had zero idea. I told her I needed to talk to her after I dropped the kids off at school. When I returned I gave her a letter because I wanted all of my thoughts to clearly get to her.

It was a page long in it I wrote how I had crossdressed since childhood but struggled and fought against it all my life. I also told her she was beautiful, I loved her, and I was sorry I never told her. I explained how I couldn't repress it anymore and how painful it had been for me. I explained how I found support groups and that I would help her understand and be there for her. I preemptively answered that I wasn't gay, didn't want the kids to know. I again reiterated I'd answer any questions and be as supportive as I could be.

She was a bit shocked but her first request was to see pictures, I gave her a disc with some of my better ones on it. She stared for a long time at one but said I looked like a woman. She asked what I wanted to do and I explained I wanted to continue going to my group and supporting others.

It actually cleared a lot of things up for us and brought us together. She was able to understand things I had done in a completely new context. Things began to make sense to her. In a few hours we were at Marshalls buying blouses and dresses for me. She blew my mind. She wanted me to be happy, and she allowed me to be happy which is more than I ever allowed myself. When she sees the twinkle in my eyes when I am dressed she looks sooo happy too and it is such a wonderful feeling of love.

I hope you and your wife are able to get to a good place together, good for you for telling her too.

Best Wishes,
Rachel

[Dragster]

First told my wife of 38 years, about 20 years ago. I wrote her a long letter and she burst into tears before she got to the end of it, thinking it was the end of her world. After very little discussion, she announced that she didn't want to know anything about CDing, so I carried on in the closet, very discretely.

Since I retired almost 4 years ago, the urge to dress went into overdrive, and I found this site, got a copy of My Husband Betty, read it openly, and gave it to her to read. It took many months before she'd read the first 4 chapters, and still there were very few questions. We've had a few discussions since, none shifting her view that CDing is "disgusting", but I've stressed that this is an integral part of me, if she rejects that, she is also rejecting me, and where does our mariage go then? Fortunately, we both love one another so much that separating wasn't something either of us want to consider, and lately, at last, I think there's a chink of light in the darkness. She suggested she'd read My Husband Betty again to try to get her head round the subject. I'd be happy to get her to a point of understanding, so that she'd know what I was doing and when, and would not be upset by it, even if she never wanted anything to do with it. Any assistance with buying clothes, make-up tips, photo taking, taking me out dressed or making love in lingerie would be a huge bonus, but not one I'm expecting to happen.

Tonhy

[SiobhanW]

When she sees the twinkle in my eyes when I am dressed she looks sooo happy too and it is such a wonderful feeling of love.

Woah. That just brought me to tears. What a big old softie I am!

[Susan.]

I never used the words crossdresser or transvestite. First I wore a long night gown with her permission (no central heat, dead of winter and no men's pj's). After a little more of that "light crossdressing" I told her that I had a fetish for sexy women's clothes no matter who wore them, her or me. Which was true. We have been married 30 years.

Now-a-days, sex has nothing to do with my CDing.

[HalloweenDragon]

I got into crossdressing because of a girlfriend. My sons mother did not like it much, but she let me do what I wanted. Mostly she just made stupid little comments. My current love does not mind at all. She says it turns her on to see me in females clothes. I even went out and bought my own 6" stipper shoes with a cute outfit by myself. When she saw it she almost tore me to pieces!!! I love to dress up. I do it everyday. I mostly wear it under my clothes, because I still haven't gotten completely confident.....but in my own home.....that's totally different!

[melissacd]

How did it go when you first told your wife or partner?

Not very well...in fact very badly...in fact...:thumbsdn:

[Nicole Erin]

I almost got caught, so I said "I have something I need to explain, but I do not want you freaking out..."
She already had suspicions before.

so when I told her, she took it pretty well.

We have had ups and downs but my dressing has not hurt our relationship.

[tanya3]

i told my wife about two weeks after we got married . she told me she had her suspisions and if this is something i like to do it is ok with her . she has bought me clothes annd make up and when we have the time she even does my make up for me . i guess i'm lucky .

[Raychel]

It was not exactly the best time in our marriage. She was going thru a tough time already, when I sprung it on her. It was a very rough spell for a while. I guess it really lasted about 6 or 8 months. But now she has accepted the fact that I am still the same man that she married. And this is just part of me. In the long run telling her has only strengthened our marriage. I am glad I told her.

[sillyfish]

Its kinda interesting, im new to all this so i dont know the views of both the girls and guys (literally speaking). In my case it was my girlfriend that had convinced me to dress up and eventually i started liking it. So i guess im lucky >.<; but then again if it werent for my gf then i dont think i would've gotten into it so i dunno.

[Jilmac]

Lesley, My story gors back to my early days of dressing. when I was 16 I told my first GF and she was supportive ot the point where she helped me dress and even let me wear her panties on occasion. Unfortunately, we broke up shortly after I joined the navy.

After the navy I was dating the person who would become my first wife. I told her about my dressing before we tied the knot. Her reaction was disgust. She called it "my problem" when she talked about it, ans gave me the cold shoulder several times that she found evidence. That marriage lasted ten years and she blamed the breakup on my dressing.

I told my second wife when I was dating her. Her reaction was fear that it would "turn me gay" and she would often ask me if I would rather be a woman. I hid my dressing from both spouses because of their negative reaction. My second wife died in August and I've become close friends with two women I met on the internet. One friend is platonic and the other one is intimate. I told both about my dressing and their reaction was ambivilance.

My intimate friend has been asking questions about my dressing and so far it hasen't affected our relationship. I'm hoping to make some headway as far as positive feelings. Now I'll just have to wait and see. I sincerely hope everything works out for you. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[Deborah Jane]

We are now separated, getting divorced this year:(

[morgan51]

I told my wife before marriage almost before anything. I'm so glad I was open about this. We have had long talks, and still do. We are able to talk about anything and that is a real gift and the key to our happy marriage. She still has some difficulty accepting my cding but is willing to keep trying. I do get help with dressing when I ask. Morgan:devil:

[JenniferR771]

I didn't think my wife of 20 years would be understanding. I was right, when I got caught wearing her clothes. She threw all the clothes in the trash. Now seven years later she has become very slightly more accepting. I can go to support group metings at times. She knows i have 6 wigs in my closet--but--they are hidden in a dark corner. She has threatened to discard the 6 dresses hidden in the back corner of my closet--but so far so good. Never seen me dressed.

[Shelly67]

I too was so fed up of hiding me ...it felt like living a lie . So after much thought , I sat her down . Bless her , I just couldnt come out to her - I was so scared of losing my cherished wife. So after a few awkward moments she asked me not to be offended in any way but , did I cross dress.......
with my heart racing I told her .......I felt as tho at any moment she,d explode , our life together over ...never , in my entire life was I so scared at that moment.......
There were difficult times , many many questions on my sexuality , and then the dreaded time of her to see me enfemme.
So , after a couple of stiff drinks , whilst she was on her way home I told her to find me dressed , fully made up , and nervously waiting . On arriving home and meeting Michelle , she just stared....I felt as tho the world would swallow me hole.....
My wife remarked on how shocked she was at my appearence - she really did,nt think I went so far ......blonde wig , falsies , make up .
But thankfully , she did remark how pretty I was and never to go out alone , giggle......
That was over a year ago now . My partner , soul mate and friend buys me clothes and make up , and often pinches something she has her eye on in return.
We,ve now become the most passionate lesbian lovers ........
In short , thank god she understands me .....and I just wish I,d done it ages ago !!

[Ashley Williams]

We,ve now become the most passionate lesbian lovers ........
In short , thank god she understands me .....and I just wish I,d done it ages ago !!

Wow - this takes us into a whole new area. Are you really saying that your wife is now attracted to you as she would be to a woman?

What form does your sex-life take, then? PM me if you don't want it public!


Now seven years later she has become very slightly more accepting. I can go to support group metings at times.

OMG - seven years???

I don't think either my wife or I could stand seven years of this. I know it is early days, but how can you bear it? Do you wear underwear most of the time - or just when you go to support groups. It sounds like a constant knife-edge!

[Shelly67]

Lets just say it,s very adult ......although I,d love her to take the role reversal all the way ...giggle:o

[tricia_uktv]

Unless she can change that is where you are (sorry hon). You can do little now, you have told her the truth which its good. Its hard enough for us, never mind others who can't influence what we doing.

Good luck, and loads of hugs and kisses

[dianwb262]

I read this post with great interest. I am struggling to decide weather I should tell my wife of 27 years or not. I recently started seeing a therapist for other reasons and I finally told her. She is the only one in the world that knows about it. She thinks I should tell my wife. I don't think she will handle it well. My therapist urged me to see a doctor for a perscription for anxiety and he gave me one. My wife is unaware of me seeing a therapist or taking medicine for depression. Due to the increase anxiety I have been feeling the urge to dress has increased significantly so maybe its time to tell my wife and let the chips fall where they may. I guess my biggest fear would be if my wife would then tell our 18 year old daughter. I could not live with that.

[Shelly67]

You poor soul , I feel for you . I feel for all of you in fact . I,ll bet youre wife may have an idea that youre a cd , unless you hide it away like a dark secret . Doe,s youre secret reflect on youre health ? Makes you wonder doe,snt it ?
The strange thing that may emerge from this however , will she be angry for you not confronting her earlier , after all its a serious concern if youre health ( be it physically or mentally ) is at risk due to the stress of you being you ?
Crossdressing is one thing , but for someone to be so down in life is another .
I think , perhaps its time you came out to youre wife , BUT think very carefully on how you,ll do it .
Perhaps if you test the situation , in conversation , say something like you,d seen a very convincing T girl on television ...guage her reaction . From then on , gently either back way off and consider youre situation in deapth , or open up , but do it so very carefully , but most of all be honest . It seems as tho youre afraid of losing it all , well , to me what I,ve read in youre post , it looks as tho youre crying out for help ........and I,m sure she,d be angry if you did,nt ask her .....
whatever the outcome , I wish you well.....
Good luck.

[Sandra]

Hope you don't mind me saying how I was told. :) This was about 6 months after we were married.

For me we had been joking around one night and she said she would like to try a basque on that I wore on our wedding day, so jokingly I said "go on then".

She came down stairs with it on and I just laughed, then she said " I really do like to do this" and me being the naive twit I was then said "what" to which I was told "wear womens clothes".

That was 20 years ago we've had our ups and downs but worked through them, it just takes patience and give and take on both sides.

[Annie D]

It is extremely hard to tell your wife that there is another woman in your life and that woman is you! In other posts I mentioned that my wife asked me if I was gay or wanted to become a woman. I cannot imagine what went through my wife's thought process when I told her. I coach high school women and she even thought that being around females so much was influencing my desire to crossdress.

In addition you are dealing with a person who is going through some very serious physical changes and she is questioning her own feminity and another woman in the house may be more than she can handle.

You need to continue to show her love and tenderness, the same kind that I want and when you give it, you will get it back. Good luck and I will pray for you!

Annie D

[jennCD]

I consider myself uber-lucky in that, when I told my wife after almost 10 yrs of marriage, the worst I had to experience was a day or so of somewhat uncomfortable silence just after my admission while she took the time to internalize what she was feeling and how this news might/will affect our lives.

Over the last 6 months, we have often spoken honestly and openly about my transgender-ness and all the facets of my "history" and my understanding of myself (within her range of comfort) and although she did admit that initially, she had considered running like hell, the reality of the situation when weighed for more than a moment's thought, really didn't change us enough to warrant that, other than the obvious change in the way she views me now as a person (which I do not consider negative since I feel she can now see me as exactly who I am, which is more than anyone else has or will ever be able to)..... OMG, is that like the longest run-on sentence or what?! LOL

... so yes, sometimes the leaps are worth the risk...

:)
jenn

[Melissa A.]

How did it go when you first told your wife or partner?

Not very well...in fact very badly...in fact...:thumbsdn:

You've come a long way, baby:happy: So keep that chin up!

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

:happy:

Shortly after we met I had told her that it was something I used to do - which was true. After a break of around ten years the need began to re-surface some two years ago.



I guess I might relate to that. That's exactly what I did, Lesley! Well the first part, anyway. Unfortunately, I didn't tell her the need had returned. And of course, I started getting caught by her, many times. Each time she was furious. The funny thing was, she sorta indulged me a bit, by letting me wear panties and bra/nighties now and then. I think her thought was that if she gave me a little, that it would be all I would need. And I thought we were laying the groundwork for her becoming accepting of more. 1 situation, 2completely opposite perspectives! It's really not the biggest reason we ended it(can't say it helped!) and I think, on an intellectual level, she knew I wasn't a freak or a nutball. She just didn't want to be married to a crossdresser. I can understand that. There's a difference between that and being ignorant or hostile. As proof of that, here's the epilogue: around a year after our divorce, I was talking to her and she told me that she had done some research and that if everything else had been good, she could have learned to live with the crossdressing. The feeling of grattitude and compassion I felt for her at that moment surpassed anytime we were married. That's all we ask , I think. Be reasonable, and open minded. And if it's not your cup of tea in the end, that's OK.

Also: Even though I havent been around much in the past year or so, Many here know that I've been a member here for quite a while. And I've noticed something. This thread is full of happy or at least reasonabley happy posts. When this place started, threads like these were way outnumbered by the sad, sometimes heart-wrenching ones. Maybe the times, they are a-changin', a bit.

That would make my heart glad.

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[Ashley Williams]

:
1 situation, 2completely opposite perspectives! She just didn't want to be married to a crossdresser.

Hi Melissa - absolutely right. How often does that happen. My dilemma is that my wife says she wants back the person she knew me as before - but to all intents and purposes that person is no longer me!

In fact, now that we are talking, I find the less than super-comfortable situation actually more 'real'. For the first eight years of our marriage, we virtually never argued. Then we went into business together and for months on end would be generally OK living and/or working together 24 hours ad day.

At least that gradually acquired sense of claustrophobia is well and truly blown apart.

But at what cost?

It is heartening to note your observations about the tone of the site. I have only been a member for a few months and did not have access for over two months when I moved home - but it does seem to be very supportive and on the whole quite up-beat.

Thanks for responding!

All the Best

[janet1234]

who note that you are divorced attribute the divorce directly to the CDing or do you believe that other conditions existed that resulted in or contributed to the separation?

[JoAnnDallas]

Well patience and more talking has led to her taking me shopping over Chritmas. See my posting, "My Christmas". She now see me in my new PINK robe and slippers and is OK with it. I can hardly wait until it gets warmer and I can start wearing my new satin PINK PJ's too. Mabey by then I can get her to let me wear capries and/or blouses.