Carin
12-23-2007, 06:40 AM
man or woman. male or female. masculine or feminine. The traditional binary definitions of human form with respect to gender, genetic or expression. A recent post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=68636)asked for insight to "Why men feel the need to dress in women's clothes" - a binary question. One of many similar posts.
Practical scientific or psychological reasoning aside, I can only conclude that I was born this way. But what is 'this way'. Before you jump to definitions it was a rhetorical question, for only I can answer. Before you dismiss the asking, the answers that many would come up with impugn my character, and my integrity. It causes stress for me and those I love. It causes me to act as if I have something devious to hide.
Going to the office restrooms the other day, I looked at the signs on the doors, and instinctively had a gut reaction. Damn, I thought, neither of these doors feels right. But I picked one anyway.
Early conditioning succeeded in hiding this state as a reasonable state for me for many years. Yet like the worker bee finding the flower, or the baby sea turtle born in the sand and racing to the ocean waves, this instinct can not be repressed. Oppressed maybe, but not repressed. Suppression only inflames it.
The binary attributes have their purpose. Perpetuation of the species and the rites of social behavior validate the binary states. Does that make an in-between state a confused state, a defect, an anomaly? The contradiction of what feels so right on the inside causing so much grief on the outside is almost unbearable enough to restore ones faith in the practice of lobotomy.
In the big scheme of things there is far worse strife inflicted on some. But we are all little fish in a big pond, each dealing with our world as we see it. We can choose to express ourselves according to the binary rules, choose one or the other or both but not at the same time. It is easier to follow the binary rules. In this case at least we have a language to define what it is we are doing, and an abundance of models to leverage, from the binary sites of Mars or Venus. Or we can ignore the binary guidebooks. Challenge the binary rules, convince those that want to listen that it not all black and white, ignore those that don't want to hear. Eventually the wordsmiths will normalize a language I suppose. There is just that minor little issue of course, the risk of loosing everything.
But back to the bathroom doors. The building architects need to redesign and add another door labeled ME. Oh that there could be such door. Maybe we all could use it.
It has taken me many years to understand this much of who i am. Yet all can say is I am ME. Some mix, yes confused, of man, woman, male, female, masculine, feminine, from I don't know what planet. I can express myself better by appearance and presentation than with words. That appearance may look more feminine than masculine, yet it should not be judged as either. They say answers come from chaos so I suppose there is hope. There is much darkness along the path.
To those of you on the outside looking in and asking for answers, I hope I have conveyed in some small way that they are not easy to find from either side of the window. :confused:
Practical scientific or psychological reasoning aside, I can only conclude that I was born this way. But what is 'this way'. Before you jump to definitions it was a rhetorical question, for only I can answer. Before you dismiss the asking, the answers that many would come up with impugn my character, and my integrity. It causes stress for me and those I love. It causes me to act as if I have something devious to hide.
Going to the office restrooms the other day, I looked at the signs on the doors, and instinctively had a gut reaction. Damn, I thought, neither of these doors feels right. But I picked one anyway.
Early conditioning succeeded in hiding this state as a reasonable state for me for many years. Yet like the worker bee finding the flower, or the baby sea turtle born in the sand and racing to the ocean waves, this instinct can not be repressed. Oppressed maybe, but not repressed. Suppression only inflames it.
The binary attributes have their purpose. Perpetuation of the species and the rites of social behavior validate the binary states. Does that make an in-between state a confused state, a defect, an anomaly? The contradiction of what feels so right on the inside causing so much grief on the outside is almost unbearable enough to restore ones faith in the practice of lobotomy.
In the big scheme of things there is far worse strife inflicted on some. But we are all little fish in a big pond, each dealing with our world as we see it. We can choose to express ourselves according to the binary rules, choose one or the other or both but not at the same time. It is easier to follow the binary rules. In this case at least we have a language to define what it is we are doing, and an abundance of models to leverage, from the binary sites of Mars or Venus. Or we can ignore the binary guidebooks. Challenge the binary rules, convince those that want to listen that it not all black and white, ignore those that don't want to hear. Eventually the wordsmiths will normalize a language I suppose. There is just that minor little issue of course, the risk of loosing everything.
But back to the bathroom doors. The building architects need to redesign and add another door labeled ME. Oh that there could be such door. Maybe we all could use it.
It has taken me many years to understand this much of who i am. Yet all can say is I am ME. Some mix, yes confused, of man, woman, male, female, masculine, feminine, from I don't know what planet. I can express myself better by appearance and presentation than with words. That appearance may look more feminine than masculine, yet it should not be judged as either. They say answers come from chaos so I suppose there is hope. There is much darkness along the path.
To those of you on the outside looking in and asking for answers, I hope I have conveyed in some small way that they are not easy to find from either side of the window. :confused: