Stuck in a Rut.

[Lee Andrews]

Hi everyone,

I've been dressing for years at home and it is just not cutting it anymore. I need to get out and about but there are a few things holding me back.

First off my wife who at one point was a very big part of my cross dressing life. She had once begged me to go out a few years ago dressed but I was so scared I couldn't do it. She has since cooled to the CDing but is slowly coming around again. Christmas presents for Lee were under the tree again this year after a two year absence. Her new fear of going out and having someone out us to our family and friends weights heavy on her mind. We for some reason are regarded as the "perfect" couple to others, we are the only ones still married in our circle of friends and her fear is that because we are thought of that way if it got out we would be totally frowned on or shunned. Being knocked off that tall pedestal we have been put on we could lose some friends due to ignorance of the subject of cross dressing and the thought that because I love womens clothes I must be gay or a pedophile. The chance of running into someone we know is fare because we have a few gay friends who frequent the downtown safe area in our city. They probably would not have a problem with it but if they accidentally said something to common friends, I'd be toast.

The second is the fear factor, it is easy to sit here in the safety of my own home and say just get dressed and head outside, damn the world and actually do it. How does one get over that fear and walk in the real world? I'm sure it is like most things, once you do it, it becomes easier and easier. I know it is my life and my decisions to make but any suggestions or personal experiences as to how the fear was overcome or what was done to make that first step a little easier would be welcome.

Lee.

[KandisTX]

In all honesty, there is only one thing for you to do here. Buckle down and go for it. Just get dressed and walk out the door. You have the desire to do so, and somewhat your wife's support, except for her fears, which are legitimate, albeit somewhat weighted against your going out as Lee. I myself had the one main fear of being "outed" to my friends and then losing those friends, I in time however came to the conclusion that if I lost those friends because of my being who and what I am then they were never truly my friends to begin with. A true friend will be there for you regardless of what you wear. They are the ones that are often called "fair weathered friends", meaning they are there only when things are going well for you and they can "ride your coattails" in your bliss. BUT, as soon as things start looking gloomy for you, they disappear and are not to be seen again until the sun once again shines her golden rays down upon you.

Talk to your wife (THIS IS KEY!!!), make sure that she knows that you fully understand her fears and they are not "unfounded", but that you and she can do this together and she and you can handle any stress that might arise as long as you are both TOGETHER on the subject.

Kandis:love:

[Ruth]

...because I love womens clothes I must be gay or a pedophile... - whoa, how did you get from A to B here? Does anybody equate CDing with pedophilia? Is this a real problem in your community?

[sandra-leigh]

I've been dressing for years at home and it is just not cutting it anymore. I need to get out and about

Yes, that's quite understandable. For some people, going out and interacting with other people while dressed is a very important part of their identity as cross-dressers. For example, with me, the instant of my realizing that I wanted to cross-dress was also the instant of my knowing that it was important for me to go out in public that way.



The chance of running into someone we know is fare because we have a few gay friends who frequent the downtown safe area in our city.

Lee, I looked over some of your other posts to see if you had been more specific about location sometime, and I noticed that one of your pictures was from Wildside, in Toronto. I deduce, though, that you are not in Toronto itself, because "downtown Toronto" is pure business, not somewhere to wander in the evening... not unless you want to wonder on Younge street, which is not an area most people would think of as being especially "safe" :straightface: . There are some good trendy areas on King W and Queen W, but I don't think people would call those "downtown".

Anyhow, if you are living in south-east Ontario, then you have your choice of lots of different cities you could drive to relatively readily. Go to another town and you would be fairly safely anonymous.

[gennee]

I understand where you are,Lee. I was there where you are now. I had to go out and I absolutely love it!. CDing is a part of me. It takes a lot of courage but once you do it, a big weight will be lifted off your shoulders.

Gennee

:thumbsup:

[Lee Andrews]

Ruth, unfortunately some people have that outlook towards us. I should say not everyone but I have diffinately heard it before.

Tess, I've been to Wildside once in drab a long time ago but never dressed so I'm not sure which picture your talking about. I have thought of going, to spread my wings so to speak but that fear keeps cropping up. The place I was thinking of was around Church street. I've read good things about it plus my gay friend talks about it in glowing terms.

Lee.

[Nicole Erin]

Sounds like it is time to find friends that you will not have to walk on egg shells for.

[tracigirl_tv]

...because I love womens clothes I must be gay or a pedophile... - whoa, how did you get from A to B here? Does anybody equate CDing with pedophilia?

Ruth, allow me to introduce you to my ex-wife *sad smile*

Misconceptions, when convenient to the holder, can be hell to overcome.

[tracigirl_tv]

Lee, many of us are all too familiar with the "fear factor" you mention. Not too very long ago, on my first time out (after far too long of a delay) I drove two hours from home to a club, just to be sure I wasn't recognized. While it's true that I still don't flaunt my special-ness to the neighbors, I'm much more likely to socialize locally than far afield these days.

Whatever you decide to do, it should be something you are comfortable with. I wish you well.

[sandra-leigh]

Tess, I've been to Wildside once in drab a long time ago but never dressed so I'm not sure which picture your talking about.

Must have just been a chance naming -- your picture of "my favorite business suit" has a file name of wildside9017. Looking at it again, though, it was clearly taken in a house (looks much like my grandmother's house in Hamilton :heehee: )

If you are in the Toronto area, then probably some of the other members can suggest good places to go out. Toronto is big enough that there are likely a number of safe areas.

[Sam-antha]

Lee, just a quickie word but I will elaborate later. Per PM
For now, Kandis's view of friends is probably very accurate. Keep the two worlds or the two "yous" apart.
As for going out and saying damm the world, please do not think about it, just get dressed somewhere, go and open the door and walk out. It is easy, but do not think about it. Ever.
~Samm

[MJ]

well you and your S.O can come to Hamilton for a girls day / night out .. you can dress here at my place and that way you are safe and can enjoy a fun trip somewere .. it's open so anytime

[Brandy H]

Once you get out and see how much fun it is and know that you can do it, you will want to get out more and more. Trust me. With your wifes support and incouragement? Thats a no-brainer as they say. If you ever were recognized by anyone in your 'circle of friends', just tell them, that is why you two have stayed together so long. You share your life together. Thoughts, feelings, desires, Just have fun and do it.

[Ashley Williams]

Hi Lee

I have never been out dressed, and only recently got into it again, apart from underwear, even at home.

I am looking forward to my first local support group meeting - which seems like a good halfway stage - ie being around other people dressed.

As for going out into the real world dressed - that is still some way off - but you seem to be getting plenty of good suggestions.

All the Best

Lesley

[Eugenie]

[QUOTE=lee20062;1133621]I know it is my life and my decisions to make but any suggestions or personal experiences as to how the fear was overcome or what was done to make that first step a little easier would be welcome./QUOTE]

Hi Lee, I waited almost 50 years to go out "en femme" if I count my teenage years... I thought it was impossible to do such a thing...

Thanks to discussion forums like this one and some good advice from other sisters and two GGs, I've finaly gon out "en femme" just 3 years ago...

I feel so mad at myself not having done it long before... It is so great...

I hope for you that you will not feel mad at yourself for having waited so much...

However I respect those here who prefer to remain in their homes and never go out. What I'm only telling here is that if you go out someday you will wander why you waited so long...

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Sinthia]

I guess that everyone has the fears that you have now about going out in the world dresses as a lady, but if you go back and read some of the comments from other CDs you will find two things that make it easy to go dressed. One, always wear a smile and treat people nice. Two, go out with confidence.

You have every right to waer whatever you want, and no one has a right to tell you not to. So, work on that smile and get out there.

[paulaN]

Go see MJ you can't get a better offer than that. I was going to say take a little Hotel trip out of town if you can afford it. But seeing as MJ made such a good offer I went with that first. She could show you around her town and she would really, really help with your first time out gitters. Which you will have.

[Barb Valentine]

Lee I know how you feel
I think MJ has a great idea

I've met her and she is a great person
And I'm sure you'd have a lot of fun
:hugs:
Barb

[shirley1]

just be careful thats all i went out drunk once and the only reason i did it was caus i saw 2 guys dressed in broad daylight walki down the road and thought they may not even be trannies but they had the confidence to do it - it hit a nerve with me if they can do it so can i but it seems to me somehow youve got to get to the stage where you just don care what anyone thinks - i neighbours friends family ect - god knows i live on my own toally apart from people for the most part but i still worry about loosing what few family friends i have - the only use i am to you is too tell you you are not alone in your feelings - society sucks - fortune favours the brave i guess theres enough people on this website who will tell you that - the trouble is we apparently build our own prisons the trouble is i dont remember building mine it was already built before i had the choice of it at a young age ! now i've somehow got to spend the res of my life trying to break it down not easy !

[Lee Andrews]

Thank you MJ and all others for your support and wisdom.

MJ, I will have to talk to my wife and see if it is something that she is comfortable with. I know it may sound lame but if she says no go then It's house bound for me. I value my marriage more than anything so I am not going to do something that would jeopardize it. Hopefully it is something she will go for.

Others have said to let friends go that couldn't understand. I could not expect some to except my other side, a bunch of them I grew up with and I saw their upbringing. Most had the last generations homophobic feelings towards people like us and there is no changing that. Hell I could have been that way as well, my upbringing was pretty much the same, but for CDing my outlook on life would be similar. I thought I was a freak because of it in the my teens and twenties, thank god for the Internet. I think because I'm different is why I don't have those views towards others or the hate that sometimes comes with it.

Lee.

[1950sclothes]

Lee, you look like a woman to me, if that helps. ;)

[MJ]

Thank you MJ and all others for your support and wisdom.


MJ, I will have to talk to my wife and see if it is something that she is comfortable with. I know it may sound lame but if she says no go then It's house bound for me. I value my marriage more than anything so I am not going to do something that would jeopardize it. Hopefully it is something she will go for.

Others have said to let friends go that couldn't understand. I could not expect some to except my other side, a bunch of them I grew up with and I saw their upbringing. Most had the last generations homophobic feelings towards people like us and there is no changing that. Hell I could have been that way as well, my upbringing was pretty much the same, but for CDing my outlook on life would be similar. I thought I was a freak because of it in the my teens and twenties, thank god for the Internet. I think because I'm different is why I don't have those views towards others or the hate that sometimes comes with it.

Lee.

you are so right, marriage first and your wonderful wife must also be OK with this ... take your time your wife can e-mail me we can meet first get to know and build some trust and confidence when you or both are ready we can go out to safe places my offer is sincere and true let me know when .. fear is over rated .. i know you will have a good time and you know were to find me :heehee: no rush

[Barb Valentine]

Lee this just my :2c: but
What wrong with two sets of friends
The ones you grew up with (they still don't have to know)
And the friends here that know like other CD's
Just a thought