He loves me, but I just see him as a friend.....

[sophiya.rap]

Hi Ladies,

I have a little story to tell you all and a question followed by that.

I was a depressed crossdresser until December last year cuz I didnt get many chances to dressup and there was no one who I can share my secret with

Today exactly after 1 year, I considered myself to be a very lucky crossdresser because I dressup whenever I want, I go shopping at will and remain dressed as long as I want.

The drastic change in my life is because of my roommate and best friend, who supports me with any possible ways. I told him about me in Feb and he never hated me for what I am.

Now the twist in the story is..A week after I told him about myself, He told me that he was gay and he was madly in love with me. We have been living together since then. He helps me with dressing and takes me out as his girl. He is so much in love with me that he quit his job cuz I moved from Tennessee to New jersey. I feel so much obligated, but the whole thing is so twisted that neither of us can solve it.

He loves me when I am a guy. When I am a girl, he just supports me, but doesnt really love me. I dont "love" him cuz I only like women.
Off late, I am forcing myself to change my sexual orientation to please him. He doesnt want me to do.

Do you think I should do this? If not, How else I can make him happy and do what he has done for me?

Thanks!
Sophiya
www.myspace.com/sophiyarap

[Mixie]

Sorry hun, but you've got to be true to your orientation. Otherwise, it will end, and probably badly.

You need someone who is either attracted to your cross-dressing, or who is a woman. This is my opinion, not a fact.

I believe that in some cases us cross-dressers can become infatuated with someone who is attracted to us as cross-dressers. But you pobably need a woman who accepts or encourages your cross-dressing. And a man who is in love with you as a man, and accepts your cross-dressing doesn't fully satisfy either of these things which I believe are requirements.

Unfortunately, if you've already been intimate with this person, you're already in a heap of trouble. The hard part of being a woman is breaking hearts. Prepare yourself!

[sandra-leigh]

:eek: That's some situation you have there, and I don't have any advice as to what you should do :sad:

The one thing I do have to say at the moment is that what you already feel is correct: being a male crossdresser or genetic-male transsexual is not the same as being interested in men. Some CDs and TSs are interested in men, and some aren't; some CDs are only interested in men when they are dressed up; even post-op TSs might continue to be interested only in women. As is sometimes joked around here, "I'm a lesbian in the wrong body!"

No-one but you can know what your sexuality "really is", and don't be surprised if the best answer you can come up with is "I don't know!!" or "I'm not sure!!". Sexuality can also change over time, and can even fluctuate -- what you liked yesterday might not be the same as what you like today, with both variations being completely honest and accurate at the time.

[Angie G]

I'm thinking the best thing you can do for him is just be the best friend you can be. :hugs:
Angie

[Niya W]

OK having relationships with a room mate can go very bad if you break up.

[Deborah Jane]

You need to talk to him and explain your true feelings, hopefully he,ll understand. You,ve got to be true to yourself hun :hugs: Debs

[Jilmac]

This is just a thought but it seems that your gay roommate supports you as a girl but loves you as a guy because of his own sexual orientation. I had a gay brother in law who had female friends who he loved as friends but his true love was his male partner. In other words, my B in L supported his lady friends but would never be intimate with them.

If you are straight then changing your sexual orientation for the sake of your roommate can only lead to disaster. I realize it must be a difficult situation for you especially since he quit his job to move with you, but a gay/straight relationship will never last even though he may support your feminine lifestyle.Luv and hugs, Jill

[docrobbysherry]

I'm sitting here typing in my #13 forms, bra and panties. After having an exciting affair with my alter ego, Sherry, last nite. And I'm going to give u useful advice? Ha ha, yeah rite! I don't think I'm really qualified for that.

Sophiya, all I can say is, I think u can figure out what is best for the both of u in time. Relationships have ways of resolving themselves. Yours will too, I hope! Your '08 is going to be a year of discovery for u.
RS

[Kieron Andrew]

The best thing you can do for BOTH of you is be true to yourself, you are not sexually attracted to him, be honest and dont lead him to believe otherwise, dont ruin a good friendship by lying to him

[Hali]

Hi sophia your story is so fantastic almost out of this world...cos some people are looking for such men. Any ways since it looks as if the guy is "down" with you just give your relationship more time and explore as much as you can cos you might just find the "man" of your life cos your sexual orientation can change out of the blue cos it has happen to many people. take care.

[sophiya.rap]

Thanks everyone, for your valuable opinions....I guess I have a lot of rethinking to do:)

[MJ]

wow thats not easy to answer. to yourself be true.. if you are not relay gay then you are setting yourself up to get hurt later .. what you both have at this moment in time is wonderful but if it's not you then be thankful for this time and move on.. it's hard but it's for the best

[Carly D.]

I'd like to think it would be as simple as this; do what you feel in your heart as you.. not you as when you are dressed up or you as when you are in male mode.. but you as because when it comes right down to it you are you dressed either way it is still you...

[Scotty]

I can see why he likes you though, you are very pretty :)

Tough call, have a friend who is always staring at my legs , even with his WIFE there he'll stare at my legs........summertime he was fondling my legs and it got a bit...um, well I know how women feel now when a guy does that!!

Tough call...

[Nicole Erin]

There is one great advantage - since you are both men, he cannot pull some crap like claiming "common law marriage" [unless the stupid lawmakers have gone mad and changed that]

And so what if you were intimate with him. Guys do not correlate sex with love.

And as you have said, you don't want a relationship with a man. So start finding a way out of this arrangement now. You wouldn't be the first person to stab someone in the back, break a heart or ruin someone's confidence in humanity. And you won't be the last.

BTW - You moved to his town and he quit his job? Or did he quit his job and move to your town? Who moved and who quit a job? :straightface: And why did he quit?

But yeah, if you try to stay in a relationship with this guy, sooner or later you will find yourself quite unhappy. Sooner or later you are going to need a woman.

[sandra-leigh]

There is one great advantage - since you are both men, he cannot pull some crap like claiming "common law marriage" [unless the stupid lawmakers have gone mad and changed that]


That might vary from state to state. Recall that even though a number of states have enacted "Defence of Marriage Act" that defines "marriage" in terms of hetro partners, that those states might still recognize "civil unions" and that in some places those "civil unions" might be legally triggered by length of living together "in a relationship".

The original poster mentioned specific states, so we at least know that it is the USA involved. In Canada, same sex marriage is fully legal, and all of the relevant laws were specifically amended to be the same for hetro and homosexual relationships. That means that in Canada, a common law union is deemed to exist for income tax purposes after one year of cohabitation (same-sex or not), and that a cohabitation legally becomes a common-law marriage after a small number of years (2 or 3). That does mean that in Canada, after a small number of years of same-sex cohabitation, that property rights and divorce laws and such do kick in, exactly the same as for hetrosexual relationships.

[Nicole Erin]

So in other words, sophya has about 1 month to get the heck out of dodge if it takes 1 year for common law to kick in.

Gyod on another note - who would have ever thought that any law would declare two dudes to be legally hitched if they live together too long? :rolleyes:

[charllote34]

Listen to your Brain and not your heart , if hes gay he loves the man not the girl i think you have a great friendship but i cant see anything else working

[Lisa Golightly]

He did what he did for him... You did what you did for you... I think that answers your question.

[Eugenie]

In my opinion, the only thing that counts should be your own feelings for him. If you love him very deeply and if it is reciprocal, then things will come together naturally.

But don't do something just to please some one. Do it if you feel the love and affection for that person and get that wonderful feeling of having desire for someone.

Otherwise, keeping a real friend is also a very wonderful thing.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[kim85]

As so many others have said if you dont love them then it will only end in tears you need to find a way to tell him how you feel. Good luck

Kim
xxx

[Michellebej]

You are not alone. At one time in my life I would never have thought about having a relationship with a man. I was introduced to a man by an ex-girlfriend who thought it would be "cute" if I dated a guy and saw how it felt to live life as a woman. We became friends and when my ex and I broke up, he picked up the pieces. We lived togeather, he proposed, we had a private ceremony with some friends ( strictly personal, not legally binding), and considered ourselves married for a few years.

The problem was that I am not a TS. And; while I enjoyed living 24/7 for that long, I had personal responsibilites from my prior marriage to take care of ( i.e. kids). Which he was not cool with. I ended up with my children and went back to being a "part time woman".

I learned a couple of things about myself. The first was that while I enjoyed being taken care of; enjoyed being a woman 24/7; enjoyed the feeling of acceptance by him and his/our friends; and enjoyed being with him, there was no love. No matter how hard I tried I could not love him more than as a friend. I found that the feelings of Love I have for a men are not the same that I have for a woman. I don't know why that is, it just is.

Of course everyone is different, but; perhaps the following might pertain to you and your situation.

First; I think it more than likely that you are still in a position where you are in a euphoric state following his acceptance of you as a woman. I don't think many would understand unless they have been in our shoes. There is just something wonderfull about being accepted as a woman in such a way that validates your existance on a daily basis ( ala you living as a woman, and being taken out as his girlfriend, ect).

Second; I suspect that your sexual orientation might be better described as bi. I say that because you don't seem to be having any major issues with the sexual portion of your relationship ( problems yes, but you are not screaming at the top of your lungs, telling us how "horrible it is. Nor are you asking us for advice oh how to tell him "NO" for sex). This was something that I had a hard time adjusting to myself. That is, that I could actually enjoy being intimate with a man. Because if you are not enjoying yourself, you should not do it. Period. I also suspect that it is a whole different issue than what we are talking about here.

Combine those two and it is no wonder you are confused. I know I was. Some of this you are just not going to figure out any time soon.

However; as a practical matter, if you are only in this relationship because you feel you owe him something, then you need to move on. And; move on before he becomes any more deeply commited to you. Especially since he seems to not be in love with you, but; only a PART of you. Many of our sisters have this same problem with thier wives/so's. To be happy in a relationship you need someone that is in love with YOU AS A TOTAL PERSON. And; not just portions that they pick and chose.

And; when you make a break, consider making it a clean break. It has been 3 years now, and when I broke up with him, I did not make a clean break. I get flowers and cards on my birthday and our anniversary. For awhile he was stalking me and there was potential to make my children uncomfortable. I am afraid to admit that I took the easy way out. I agreed to date him once a month if he would leave me alone the rest of the time. Which is not a good thing. Because if I start dating, women, again; then how the heck am I going to explain an "ex husband".

Don't put yourself in the same boat. Decide what you truely want in your heart. Not what he wants; not what your family wants; not what your friends or society wants. But; what you personally want. Be true to your self.

If you do decide to break up with him then be gentle, but; be firm. Have a back up plan in place, and a place to go. Make sure your finances are seperate from his and anything you have that you can't live with out are safely in storage, and out of reach.

Good luck and if you need to vent feel free to pm me.

Love

Michelle

[Lori SC]

Hi Ladies,

... and takes me out as his girl. He is so much in love with me that he quit his job cuz I moved from Tennessee to New jersey. I feel so much obligated, but the whole thing is so twisted that neither of us can solve it.

He loves me when I am a guy. When I am a girl, he just supports me, but doesnt really love me. I dont "love" him cuz I only like women.
Off late, I am forcing myself to change my sexual orientation to please him. He doesnt want me to do.

Do you think I should do this? If not, How else I can make him happy and do what he has done for me?

Sophiya


I was going to mention a lot of what Michelle just said Sophiya. From what you said you possibly are bi. Possibly your friend is too. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you can live with it.

I'll add a few other things.

Is your friend working now and contributing his share? All you say is that he quit his job. If he not working, this should be another warning sign.

Also, there is nothing wrong with making your friend happy, but you have to make sure you are happy too! Don't settle for just OK.

And the last point is that you have the rest of your life to figure out what is going on. There isn't any need to have a resolution in 60 minutes like a TV show. You can take your time and see where things will end up, or until you come to a decision in your own mind. Waiting can be good and bad - it's great to know you made the right choice. Bad, if you decide to split, you just wasted time when you could be searching for the right person. But I think you have a few good years ahead of you yet.....

Good luck,

Hugs, Lori

[sophiya.rap]

Michelle, Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I am sure this will help me to get me out of my dilemma. But I would like to mention that I dont think I am a BI, since I haven't been involved with him sexually. There has been some long kisses but I haven't really enjoyed them.
Also he has never forced it on me. There has been numerous occasions when I wanted to please him and coming out on him big time, but he insisted not to do this saying "I dont want to turn you into something that you are not". and that's it.

Lori.....Yes, he works in the same company as I am. We were working for the same company in TN also. I changed job and referred him and he got it. Thank you for your response, anyways! I guess you talked about those crucial things, I wasn't even thinking of.

Above all, sometime I strongly feel the need of a woman in my life and I get really upset that I cant have the best of both world. I havn't had luck with girls because I look very slim and most of the girls go for macho guys. I must admit I didnt try real hard, because I am sure getting into a relationship with a girl will mean end to crossdressing. Finding a girl who likes a CD is like looking for 'a matchstick in a big haystack". Right?

Thank you all for your responses!
Sophiya

[rickie121x]

.... Finding a girl who likes a CD is like looking for 'a matchstick in a big haystack". Right?....
Sophiya

Ah yes, the old needle in a haystack anology! Yes, unfortunately, that is true. It just means that if you want "her" you will just have to work a lot harder in the searching process than one of those "normal" guys.

...and had to laugh about your remark about long kisses and not enjoying them. Been there, done that! :eek: But that experience was necessary for me to ascertain that I was indeed straight. And in my seventy-three years, I have had a great deal more happy years involved in hetero relationships than most married men. How do I know this? Because I have talked and shared with "them" over all of these years....

And like several others have said... relationships all work out... just like they are supposed to. Relax and enjoy! :happy:

Rickie:doll:

[Fab Karen]

The CDing isn't the issue here. You have a gay roommate who is in love with you. You don't feel attraction for him. It might be best not to be rommmates. If he wants to remain friends & can accept it will always be platonic, cool. Otherwise, he isn't being a friend, and real love doesn't demand someone bend to your will anyway. And you WILL be doing him a favor, to find a healthy relationship based on mutual desire/feelings.

[Scotty]

Above all, sometime I strongly feel the need of a woman in my life and I get really upset that I cant have the best of both world. I havn't had luck with girls because I look very slim and most of the girls go for macho guys. I must admit I didnt try real hard, because I am sure getting into a relationship with a girl will mean end to crossdressing. Finding a girl who likes a CD is like looking for 'a matchstick in a big haystack". Right?



I have the same issue, although if I did meet a guy I liked I would try it.

But add boobs, hips, and a butt and now my chances of finding a gal goes even beyond the haystack! But I'm happy with me, finding someone else that is happy with me may just take a while longer!

So it goes for you too :)

[AmandaM]

Well, if you kissed him and it was merely "mechanical", I can relate. I've done that too. I didn't get anything out of it. I went all the way once, it was only somewhat satisfying, meaning I finished the deed. But, it was more a physical mechanical act. I wasn't attracted to the guy anyway. So, I think that you are not bi. I do not feel I am since there was no attraction there. I think that my response in that situation could only be termed a biological response. I think you are the same. I think you "can" do it, but don't really care for it. Kinda like doing your taxes. :)

[Danielle Hyatt]

Not to ofen anyone but you have to tell him that if
you can't just be friends you are going to have to go!
If you are not gay!

Your Friend
Dan:D

[Celeste]

I would not continue to mislead each other.I would choose an evening for a long conversation about what you both individually desire for the future.Maybe this would provide some concrete footing and dispel any illusions he may have about you.

[Cara Allen]

I feel like Ann Landers... I hear lots of how he feels about you. He is romantically attached. I hear you say that you don't love him.

Sounds pretty simple, but things like this seldom are. It sounds like you enjoy the attention, and the escourt service, and the security that he offers you? However, it is not fair to him... Unless there is more? Do you care for him?

In any case, gays are very seldom attracted to us MtoF's. They want a guy, and we are not that. It is evidenced in the fact that he is not attracted to you, en femme, and you are not attracted to males, or are you?

Time to move on?

[MonicaDD]

You are in a tough situation, I can tell you what I would do, but I am not you, the first thing you have to do is be YOU, if your not gay or bi then stay away from that situation with him, that is the bottom line, if he is in love with you then so be it, dosent mean you have to recip the feelings, just because he quit his job for you dosent mean you have to change your sexual orientation, sorry he did that but thats his choice, you wont be the first, girl or man, to try to be manupulated by a man just for his own gradification, be YOU and just tell him thats the way it is. Good Luck

[Alice B]

Above all, you have to be who you really are. Anything less will result in unhappiness for you and those around you. Give it serious thought and then sit down and discuss it. You can't have a relationship survive based upon a feeling of obligation. That will turn you bitter and that is not good.

[androgyne]

The sad fact is that the majority of gay men are attracted to masculine looking men - not TGs. Being fem is usually a big turn-off to them, including anything that typically resembles a woman like shaved legs, make up, etc. I hope it works out for you, hun.

[Nicki B]

The drastic change in my life is because of my roommate and best friend, who supports me with any possible ways.

I don't think he's just a 'friend' anymore - and I think it's foolish to think you can turn the clock back to what once was?

[Danielle Hyatt]

Hi Sop

Plese let me know what you decision is?


Your Friend
Dan:D