2007 My year of Transition - A look back

[Mean Green Irene]

The year started quietly I was 57 and I had been in a job for only 5 months and was still learning how the company works. I was in my 10th month of HRT. I was actively dressing in the evenings and weekends and my wife was accepting and helping me. But I was seldom going out and about.

Early in the year my depressions started gaining strength. I was getting seriously depressed, I blamed it on the estrogen patches coming loose and allowing my “T” to rise. However by mid year I realized that it really wasn’t the patches it was my attitude and thinking. When I thought of living the rest of my life in hiding I became very depressed. When I was thinking and planning to transition I became happy. The cycles were obvious.

I started going out and about more often – I braved a department store and restaurant. That helped, but not enough.

Late August after an argument with my wife, I made a decision that I would never transition. The next day I took an overdose of drugs, fully expecting to die. I was even smiling as I took them. Well my body recognized the overdose and rejected them. I got sick but obviously did not die. At that point I realized that I had to transition and transition soon.

Most of my life I blamed my feelings, frequent depressions and emotional distress on my testicles. So I felt no transition would be complete without removing them. I revealed my decision to my wife and started planning. My counselor helped a lot. I started to dress and go out and about as often as I could, my wife and I went shopping in several department stores and bought a lot of clothes, since I will be dressing full time.

Mid October my wife and I had another argument and I again decided to not transition. The next day I loaded my rife and put it to my head, and pulled the trigger. Nothing. My guess is that about two years prior I had taken it apart and left out the firing pin to better clean it. From that moment on I knew that it was transition or death.

I was able to schedule my Orchiectomy on Dec 3, and decided to start living as a woman on November 12.

All went as planned. I am a eunuch living as a woman. My wife is Ok with it so far, three of my adult children accept me and the fourth refuses to see me for now.

I am happy without depressions so far. The year 2007 was the year of my death and birth. I even had a party with a number of friends; I called it my “Fred is Dead, Long Live Irene” party.

With Love, Irene (A picture from my coming out party is in my profile)

[Margot]

Well you certainly went through hell in 2007. However someone up stairs is looking over you. Best wishes for 2008 and I hope the remainder of your journey goes well.
:hugs:
Margot

[androgyne]

From what you describe, it sounds like you suffer from major depression and should consider seeing a mental health care provider. I say this because of your two attempts at commiting suicide, one with drugs, the other with a firearm. Although you might feel better at this stage a third attempt might not prove so lucky, on your part. Hence, I urge you to look into this, as I understand the difficulty of transitioning and enormous burdens that go with it. However, taking one's life is never a solution.

I say this out of concern and love for you. Please take care. :hugs:

[Mean Green Irene]

Yes I have been seeing a mental health counselor for the for the last several years. One of the two attempts was while I was on anti-depressants. I have found that Anti-depressants put a blanket on your feelings and reduce your desire to end it all BUT also reduce your desire to stay alive. I am confident that is why doctors are finding that someone likely to end it all is just as likely with anti-depressants. Over the last 20 years I have been on every one of them in the book.

I am very confident that an Orchi and transition is my lifesaver.

With Love Irene