Sares
01-06-2008, 04:27 AM
Hi everyone!
I'm new to the forum. I'm 22 years old and going through the very thought-provoking and occasionally terribly frightening process of trying to figure myself out. I thought I would post here to help myself along that process, as everyone here seems so incredibly supportive.
I was born a woman and I do consider myself (mostly) a woman, but I have a masculine side of which I'm basically trying to figure out the extent. The wide variety of identities and traits and definitions which falls under the transgender umbrella is so terribly confusing, and although I know that I'm not 100% girl, what I am -- straight female crossdresser, androphilic androgyne, genderqueer person, bigender person, femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body, PART-TIME femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body -- is a subject of much confusion for me. I even went through about ten minutes of believing that I might actually have a physical intersex condition before I realized that I don't have the classic characteristics. (I have a somewhat delicate female body type and normal female genitals, and I went through normal puberty and menstruation, but I also have an Adam's apple, very small breasts, a lower-than-average voice, and a round boyish face. I don't think I'm an XY woman, because my sex organs are normal. But my masculine side loves being flat-chested!)
I know that I'm not attracted to women at all. If not for my gender issues, I'd say that I was a completely straight woman. I happen to have a unisex first name, but I use female pronouns and usually (at home, at work, and in the classroom, at least) dress in clothes which were designed for women but in a more masculine style. I'm typically a T-shirt and jeans kind of person. I have a few items which are girly which I do like (mostly silver pendant necklaces), but totally girly clothing just never captures my interest at all. I do not own a skirt or a dress or a pair of heels or a decent pair of pantyhose, or anything frilly or lacy or "pastel." I never wear make-up and I limit my jewelry to one necklace at a time, and one wristwatch.
As a child, I paid no attention to how my parents were dressing me until I turned about eight or nine and started rejecting the pink clothing and the dresses. For a period of time, I wore mostly baseball caps and Star Wars T-shirts. At one point I developed a strong interest in an adult male golfers' cap, which I talked my parents into buying for me. My best friends were girls, and I was a small and frail girl myself, but I still liked to play touch football with the boys in my class and to always take the role of a boy or man whenever we played make-believe (usually with my golfers' cap in place on my head). At about twelve or thirteen I went through a hockey period -- I was always wearing an NHL jersey and skating around my driveway with boys. My best friends in eighth grade were male. My first day of middle school was traumatic because I had a short haircut and I was mistaken for a boy by just about everyone, in front of my mom, which prompted me to get my ears pierced before the second day of school. Years later I realized that I hated wearing earrings and that I was still wearing only the studs, so I took them out, and regrettably the holes haven't fully closed up because of the scar tissue. I never should have gotten them pierced, but I was young and I panicked.
Surprisingly, I've never been mistaken for a lesbian, and my friends know that I'm straight, but I've never had any attention from men -- probably because of my androgynous appearance. I wear my hair short, although my hairstyle is technically a feminine style. I have gender-neutral glasses. I wear gender-neutral jeans and formless sweaters. When I check my appearance in the mirror before I leave the house in the morning, I don't look for prettiness -- I look for a certain boyish cuteness. I think I am cute, and I've had friends (mostly my lesbian friends, incidentally!) compliment me on my style or suggest clothing items that they would find "cute" on me, but the straight guys pay me no mind. I live in New York City, and if you're a straight female here, the pressure to look like Lindsay Lohan is immense. I've read in these forums that FTMs are more accepted by society than MTFs (and I definitely agree), and that some men are in fact attracted to boyish women, but I've never encountered those men. I find that my straight male friends are interested in the girly women who tote purses and wear heels -- the more feminine, the better, it seems.
And yet, it's not so much the straight men who even interest ME. I'm frustrated that they don't notice me, but most of my straight male friends are beefy, beer-drinking baseball lovers and I'm not attracted to that at all. This is why I suspect that I'm a femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body -- because I am very attracted to men who are attracted to men. I particularly have a thing for effeminate gay men, and I've had more crushes on my friends who are self-proclaimed "queens" than on the beer-drinking Mets fans. I realize that some transmen have had successful relationships with gay men, but a transman I am not. I don't think I would ever want to have surgery or hormone therapy, or to even live as a man full time, and I have yet to intentionally try to "pass." I guess my best bet would be to find a nice "metrosexual" to settle down with. ;)
But lately I have been thinking about "passing." I live with two straight men, and I have had thoughts about stealing some of their hair gel and buying a man's suit and going out. I have unintentionally "passed" before, and always in front of my parents -- strangers think I'm their 12-year-old son. (I'm 5'5 and only 90 lbs., so I'm never mistaken for a man -- just a boy!) The tension and embarrassment caused by this has put me off of more masculine clothing styles for the past few years, and I've intentionally tried to feminize my wardrobe to avoid this uncomfortable situation with my family. Even if I did, in the future, decide to go out as a boy and try to pass, even if I only did it some of the time, I'm not sure I could ever tell my Southern conservative family. I have to admit that I find this transgender side of myself a little scary to face. I'm about to graduate with a 3.9 GPA from a major university, and I want to get a job in business, and I worry about the role that that side of myself is going to play in my future career and my future networking prospects. I also worry about ever having a happy relationship with a man. And I worry about the reactions of my family and my current friends, who all seem to know me as a 100% Girl who happens to be a bit tomboyish. I'm stuck in the South for the next two weeks, but when I return to NYC I hope to seek some guidance from the LGBT Community Center on the subject. I've been active as a "straight ally" with similar gay organizations -- after all, as I mentioned, I feel a strong connection to gay men -- so I feel comfortable about the idea of going to the Center. That, at least, is not scary to me -- it's not such a leap.
But thanks for reading, if you've read all of this rambling, because this post, in a way, is my first coming-out.
If anyone has had similar experiences to mine, or any insights, I'd love to hear them. Anything that anyone has to share would definitely be a big help in getting me started along this road.
Thanks! :)
- Sares
I'm new to the forum. I'm 22 years old and going through the very thought-provoking and occasionally terribly frightening process of trying to figure myself out. I thought I would post here to help myself along that process, as everyone here seems so incredibly supportive.
I was born a woman and I do consider myself (mostly) a woman, but I have a masculine side of which I'm basically trying to figure out the extent. The wide variety of identities and traits and definitions which falls under the transgender umbrella is so terribly confusing, and although I know that I'm not 100% girl, what I am -- straight female crossdresser, androphilic androgyne, genderqueer person, bigender person, femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body, PART-TIME femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body -- is a subject of much confusion for me. I even went through about ten minutes of believing that I might actually have a physical intersex condition before I realized that I don't have the classic characteristics. (I have a somewhat delicate female body type and normal female genitals, and I went through normal puberty and menstruation, but I also have an Adam's apple, very small breasts, a lower-than-average voice, and a round boyish face. I don't think I'm an XY woman, because my sex organs are normal. But my masculine side loves being flat-chested!)
I know that I'm not attracted to women at all. If not for my gender issues, I'd say that I was a completely straight woman. I happen to have a unisex first name, but I use female pronouns and usually (at home, at work, and in the classroom, at least) dress in clothes which were designed for women but in a more masculine style. I'm typically a T-shirt and jeans kind of person. I have a few items which are girly which I do like (mostly silver pendant necklaces), but totally girly clothing just never captures my interest at all. I do not own a skirt or a dress or a pair of heels or a decent pair of pantyhose, or anything frilly or lacy or "pastel." I never wear make-up and I limit my jewelry to one necklace at a time, and one wristwatch.
As a child, I paid no attention to how my parents were dressing me until I turned about eight or nine and started rejecting the pink clothing and the dresses. For a period of time, I wore mostly baseball caps and Star Wars T-shirts. At one point I developed a strong interest in an adult male golfers' cap, which I talked my parents into buying for me. My best friends were girls, and I was a small and frail girl myself, but I still liked to play touch football with the boys in my class and to always take the role of a boy or man whenever we played make-believe (usually with my golfers' cap in place on my head). At about twelve or thirteen I went through a hockey period -- I was always wearing an NHL jersey and skating around my driveway with boys. My best friends in eighth grade were male. My first day of middle school was traumatic because I had a short haircut and I was mistaken for a boy by just about everyone, in front of my mom, which prompted me to get my ears pierced before the second day of school. Years later I realized that I hated wearing earrings and that I was still wearing only the studs, so I took them out, and regrettably the holes haven't fully closed up because of the scar tissue. I never should have gotten them pierced, but I was young and I panicked.
Surprisingly, I've never been mistaken for a lesbian, and my friends know that I'm straight, but I've never had any attention from men -- probably because of my androgynous appearance. I wear my hair short, although my hairstyle is technically a feminine style. I have gender-neutral glasses. I wear gender-neutral jeans and formless sweaters. When I check my appearance in the mirror before I leave the house in the morning, I don't look for prettiness -- I look for a certain boyish cuteness. I think I am cute, and I've had friends (mostly my lesbian friends, incidentally!) compliment me on my style or suggest clothing items that they would find "cute" on me, but the straight guys pay me no mind. I live in New York City, and if you're a straight female here, the pressure to look like Lindsay Lohan is immense. I've read in these forums that FTMs are more accepted by society than MTFs (and I definitely agree), and that some men are in fact attracted to boyish women, but I've never encountered those men. I find that my straight male friends are interested in the girly women who tote purses and wear heels -- the more feminine, the better, it seems.
And yet, it's not so much the straight men who even interest ME. I'm frustrated that they don't notice me, but most of my straight male friends are beefy, beer-drinking baseball lovers and I'm not attracted to that at all. This is why I suspect that I'm a femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body -- because I am very attracted to men who are attracted to men. I particularly have a thing for effeminate gay men, and I've had more crushes on my friends who are self-proclaimed "queens" than on the beer-drinking Mets fans. I realize that some transmen have had successful relationships with gay men, but a transman I am not. I don't think I would ever want to have surgery or hormone therapy, or to even live as a man full time, and I have yet to intentionally try to "pass." I guess my best bet would be to find a nice "metrosexual" to settle down with. ;)
But lately I have been thinking about "passing." I live with two straight men, and I have had thoughts about stealing some of their hair gel and buying a man's suit and going out. I have unintentionally "passed" before, and always in front of my parents -- strangers think I'm their 12-year-old son. (I'm 5'5 and only 90 lbs., so I'm never mistaken for a man -- just a boy!) The tension and embarrassment caused by this has put me off of more masculine clothing styles for the past few years, and I've intentionally tried to feminize my wardrobe to avoid this uncomfortable situation with my family. Even if I did, in the future, decide to go out as a boy and try to pass, even if I only did it some of the time, I'm not sure I could ever tell my Southern conservative family. I have to admit that I find this transgender side of myself a little scary to face. I'm about to graduate with a 3.9 GPA from a major university, and I want to get a job in business, and I worry about the role that that side of myself is going to play in my future career and my future networking prospects. I also worry about ever having a happy relationship with a man. And I worry about the reactions of my family and my current friends, who all seem to know me as a 100% Girl who happens to be a bit tomboyish. I'm stuck in the South for the next two weeks, but when I return to NYC I hope to seek some guidance from the LGBT Community Center on the subject. I've been active as a "straight ally" with similar gay organizations -- after all, as I mentioned, I feel a strong connection to gay men -- so I feel comfortable about the idea of going to the Center. That, at least, is not scary to me -- it's not such a leap.
But thanks for reading, if you've read all of this rambling, because this post, in a way, is my first coming-out.
If anyone has had similar experiences to mine, or any insights, I'd love to hear them. Anything that anyone has to share would definitely be a big help in getting me started along this road.
Thanks! :)
- Sares