A question about accepting wives/girlfriends

[MarciManseau]

After reading a thread about how well it went after telling your wife that you love to crossdress, and being delighted to see that most of those that had posted to the thread were still in their relationships with varying degrees of acceptance, I began to wonder if there was any reason why the women that had accepted it had been so different.

So I talked it over with my gg gf Julie, and we discussed it as she read the posts too. We couldn't discover a common thread.

Julie met me at a club three years after I'd gone full time, and she's never known me as anything other than Marci. She thinks her acceptance of me was so easy because she's bisexual; we both are. She was attracted to my femme side first, and once we became lovers, she liked my duality in bed.

So I began to wonder if the accepting women were either bi or bi curious. Any comments?


Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:

[Holly]

Gender acceptance has nothing to do with sexuality. My wife is accepting and is neither bi nor bi-curious. Acceptance is loving your choosen partner unconditionally and covers much more than gender variance.

[Carol A]

Holly,
Honey you are right on the money, my wife told me many years ago I'm still the same man she married no matter what cloths I'm wearing. Been together for 45 years and she except whoever walks out of the bedroom in the morning.:love:

[Ashley Williams]

A good point. I posted a question recently about how it went - particularly pertinent for me at the moment as my wife and I are just going through the trials of my recently having told her.

Not sure if it is the same thread you were reading - but it did strike me that a lot of different reasons for a good or bad reaction were posted.

I think it must help if your partner knows about as much as you as you can reasonably reveal when you first get together. My mistake was that I was in a major purge (I'm starting to pick up the language) at the time and honestly thought it had gone away.

My first wife knew about my dressing long before we were married, and the failure of that marriage had little to do with the dressing.

My concern now is that my present wife hates the fact that I do it. She was OK with the fact that I did it - but only because she knew nothing about it.

Sorry - I am waffling. The reason for my response is that I don't believe sexuality is any more 'just one thing or the other' than anything else - but a spectrum. I have had great friendships with men that could have become sexual, but never did. That is because my instincts are largely heterosexual - but by the same token I have had close friendships with women that were never going to have a sexual element.

My cross-dressing feels like wanting to be in touch with all aspects of myself.

My wife's extreme reaction to it could suggest that she is in denial about the part of herself that could find it attractive.

She doesn't want to talk about it yet, so I don't know - but it looks like we are going to be having some counselling at some point to find some common ground!

Anyway - good post - and good luck to you. Congratulations also for having the courage to be who you are and finding someone who is attracted to you entirely!

All the Best

[MarciManseau]

We both still feel that a bi woman is more likely to be accepting - and of course it's not the only factor by a long shot.


Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:

[Ashley Williams]

I would agree that there must be much more than one aspect that makes people attractive to each other - and you are definitely helping yourselves by being open, to some extent, to all possibilities.

Are you saying, though, that you were (or still potentially are) attracted to men as well. How do you compare your responses - if that is possible.

This is quite fascinating - and a bit scary.

[Daphne7]

I like the clothes my hubby wears when he CDs. but i don't think it carries over into a bi-curiosity for me. I want my man in the bedroom- even if he's wearing lingerie. The fact that he is wearing lingerie adds spice to the bedroom for me as well. Knowing what turns us each on is an element to having a rewarding balanced relationship.

I can add to his joy because i know how good it feels to have someone run their hands up my sides when i'm wearing lingerie-since i'm the only one he dresses in front of, i'm the only one who can give him that sensational experience. Having a happy spouse is one of the best things in the world and now i have a whole bunch of new things for him to experience. i get joy by giving joy to him. i'm not interested in having a physical girl in my bed. under his clothes i still feel his yummy shoulders and arms... and all the other yummy male parts that i am attracted to.

[Sandra]

Ok years ago I would have said I was bi curious, never did anything about it and the curiosity dwindled away. Now whether Nigella dressing 24/7 has repaced that curiousity I don't know.She can be either male or female in the bedroom and I enjoy both sides.

[ericalynncd]

My wife is very open minded.

[Joanne f]

Gender acceptance has nothing to do with sexuality. My wife is accepting and is neither bi nor bi-curious. Acceptance is loving your choosen partner unconditionally and covers much more than gender variance.

that is about the same for me



joanne

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Marci and Julie,

My wife is probably one of the most accepting women I know. She likes CDing and wants it in her life but she is not bi-sexual but she does like a somewhat feminine male partner. Your question about why the women that had accepted it had been so different was asked before, but a long time ago. If you're interested as to what the answer was in Nov 2006 then check out my wife's thread at that time called "Accepting GGs: What makes us different? (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21159)" The thread has 36 posts ... including 10 different GGs replies.

It was a thread that started off in the GG section and was moved to the MTF section. I think it's pretty interesting reading. Click HERE (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21159) or the link above to see it. My screen name back then was Angel Darling.

Hugs
Rachel

[SweetCaroline]

I don't know how to answer this, but I'm interested since I'm entering into a relationship right now with a very acceptant GG Lady. She's been to a couple T-girl gatherings with me in full femme mode, and has been impressed with the appearance of some of my cross-dressing friends. She'll even act like the "gentleman" holding doors open for me and helping put on my coat and so forth. She's very much feminine, and knew me first as a male, so I don't think of her as being bi. My main concern is that she'll stop seeing me as less of a male and a potential partner, and start seeing me more as just another "girlfriend".

Either way, I think we'll aways be friends and the next year or so should be very interesting.

[Dixie]

My wife was a complete lesbian when we ment and became friends. We started dating and she decided maybe she was Bi instead of straight gay. She started dressing me up and we have had fun ever since.:drink:

[Babette]

Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:[/CENTER]

Marci,

If you could poll 1,000 SO's on this subject, I think you would find them uniquely variable. On top of that, I think you would find their attitudes fluid or dynamic from one instance to the next. I suspect this could be a definitive element of human nature.

When it comes to my personal situation, I'm with Holly and Carol A. As I have already said in so many words, my situation is unique and neither doesn't nor have to mirror everyone else's relationship. People tend to seek understanding of anything through rationalization. However, I don't think I could ever rationalize my wife's acceptance of CD'ing. The influences that make or define our persona's are just too complex.

Sorry, but I don't think there is clear answer to your questions.

Babette

[MarciManseau]

I would agree that there must be much more than one aspect that makes people attractive to each other - and you are definitely helping yourselves by being open, to some extent, to all possibilities.

Are you saying, though, that you were (or still potentially are) attracted to men as well. How do you compare your responses - if that is possible.

This is quite fascinating - and a bit scary.

Yes, we both like men and women as well. We don't know why that would be scary. There are lots of bisexuals.


Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:

[Eugenie]

Julie met me at a club three years after I'd gone full time, and she's never known me as anything other than Marci.
Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:
I think that more than anything the sentence I extracted from your post is the key to acceptance in most cases: not knowing the person before as a man only individual. This also why, in general, another woman than your SO will be far more tolerant than one’s SO… I’ve come out to several women and all have told me they accepted me very well, but if I had been their husband, they would have thrown me out of the house with all my women clothes…

Then there is the difference between those of us who have told their SO very early and those who have waited several years before telling... Telling early on is bound to lead to slightly more accepting SOs… Later telling is more bound to end up in rather severe crisis…

Yet in both cases the wives have married a man and still want a man: It is a common fear among wives who discover that their husband is a x-dresser that he might become homosexual. We know it isn't true for the vast majority of us, but the fear is there, due to lots of misinformation.

In some cases some accepting women have made a deal with their x-dresser husband: "OK you may x-dress as much as you want, but I still want the male side of you when we have sexual relations, at least frequently enough."

But there is also something in the bi-sexual element of your explanation: some of us want to have different sexual behavior with ours SOs, behaviors that would be considered more "feminine", at least in the dominant culture. In such cases, if our SO doesn't feel at least a little bit attracted by a homosexual relation, there is little chance that the acceptance of her husband's x-dressing will keep going on.

Even it sexuality isn’t involved, when a man goes “en femme” full time or is out of the closet frequently, there may be some fear of his SO of going out in the streets holding hands with another “woman”…

Then there is the fear “What will people think if they learn my husband x-dresses? Will people think he does that because I’m not a good lover?...”

Lots of fears to overcome… For those of us who have accepting SOs, be it fully accepting or partly accepting, we should recognize that it isn’t that simple for our SOs…

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Claudia Zylindrias]

I have to agree with Marci, Amy and I as well as other ex-gf that were accepting were bi or bi-curious. While iwe are both what we call situational bi, it doesnt hurt to be accepting of other people as they are. Typically I try to judge people only by their character and actions, i'm usually successfull.

P.S. Also just as a point I find it funny that my ex-wife has gone through like 50 - 80 bf since we divorced and all she seems to find are a&%holes. Most of them as she put its "Are very selfish and are only looking for their own needs." I just smile and say "funny how that is huh, human nature." Oh the sweet sound of justification.

[Davinnia]

When I told my wife that I was a crosdresser 6 months ago her fear was that the person she married was an illusion & I understood perfectly what she meant. Her first marriage was shattered when her then husband walked out for a "younger model " & learning to trust again took a long time. Then I have to tell her about my CDing after 6 years together.
Since then I have worked to prove I'm exactly the same man he married & that my CDing only reflected many of the aspects of my personality that she loves.
She accepted my dressing quite easily & I can dress when I want to but I don't dress too often & give her plenty of male time. She knows how happy I am with my life now & I guess that improves her trust & love too.

[Carrie]

Miss Marci Manseau,

I am an accepting GG and I am NOT bi or gay. I have always been accepting of people who are different from me, whether it is their skin color, religion, hair style or what ever. I treat everyone the way that I want to be treated. I think non-prejudicial, open-mindedness, is the common thread, not sexuality.

~C