My S.O. has joined the religious "right"

[Noel Chimes]

I got the shock of my life yesterday. My Mrs. and I were in attendance for our annual church meeting. It was time to set the calendar and elect new officers, and since we were officers ( me superintendant of Sunday School and audio; she women's ministry) we had to be there.
On the way home my wife hit me with, " I think that you need to be a little more conservative with your activities". So I said, "so you don't want me going out anymore"? And her reply was, "well what if something were to happen and I had to call someone to take me to where you are and you are dessed up"? (i.e. hospital, jail, etc) Espically since I had just received a ticket for an improper turn, while dressed.
She did agree that I could still dress around the house or when we go out of town where we don't know anyone with the exception of friends I have made (through this and other cd sites). But it is very seldom we go out of town ($$$$$ trouble).
So now what do I do? I really don't like going to "parties en drab". To me that is just too much hassle. And what is the sence of getting all dolled ou with no place to go? Especially now that I am finding places to go where I feel comfortable in public.
Ok, I need to hear from my sisters out there. How do I keep a happy home and not go back into the closet?

[battybattybats]

On the way home my wife hit me with, " I think that you need to be a little more conservative with your activities". So I said, "so you don't want me going out anymore"? And her reply was, "well what if something were to happen and I had to call someone to take me to where you are and you are dessed up"? (i.e. hospital, jail, etc) Espically since I had just received a ticket for an improper turn, while dressed.


In that kind of emergency a taxi would be out of the question?

[Charlotte Cross]

It's difficult to go backward. Like Patton said, "I don't like to pay for the same piece of real estate twice."
But considering she is your wife, I'd suggest submitting to her wishes-at least for awhile. Talk to her over a glass or two of wine. And TALK!! Don't dance around the subject. Tell her how you really feel. Thin too, about what might make her happy, and DO it for her.
If she loves you, she will come around, realizing that this is one thing in your life that gives you happiness. And don't forget to tell her that she is also a source of great joy to you.

[Melissa A.]

Hi Noel,

It's obvious to me that you and your wife do not find your dressing inconsistent with your chosen faith. And if you asked me, I'd say that's ok; you shouldn't. Is your wife saying that she is simply worried about anybody finding out, as many SOs (and cd's themselves) are, or that because we have religiousity thrown in, that somehow, it is more important for you two than for another couple who have non-church going friends and aquaintances? I have always found that kind of automatic handing of some kind of moral high ground to religious groups or persons interesting. Is the fact that you are officers in your church make it anymore important that folks don't find out? Maybe. Maybe you have, or feel you have more to lose than secular folks. I would immediately say that there is no evidence of that, but I can understand you guys feeling that way. But What does that say about people who are not influenced, or strongly influenced by any religoius community? They have less to lose, or less to worry about? why? Think about that.

When you strip all of the talk of "faith" away and all of the unnecessary conotations that go with it, your situation is no different from millions of others. You are both worried that people who would not understand finding out about your dressing. That is understandable for many people. Maybe because of your friend's and aquaintance's affiliations, you feel they would be less likely to even try to understand. Maybe you are correct. Does that say something about them, you, or the rest of us?

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[Emily Ann Brown]

AS part of the "religious" right I do know where you are going, but Melissa is correct....same situation as any couple who have concerns about their "secret" getting out. I will say I do understand your wife's concerns for "appearing a hyprocrite" to other believers, I just hope it is for the right reasons. I worried what "my secret" would do not for my reputation but for the damage it might cause to the cause I believe so in and worked so hard for.

If you are truly dedicated to your faith then more caution my not be an unreasonable request from your spouse. If the dressing on the other hand is the most important thing to you then maybe you need to drop the church duties. Either way it sounds like you two need a long talk involving hard questions.

ex Sister Emily Ann

[Angie G]

I think this is why i con't go to church. peple telling me I can't do this or that when I'm not hurting anyone. :hugs:
Angie

[JackieInPA]

I know i couldnt go back to hiding all the time. Just dosent work, once the cat is out she dont go back in.

[SherriePall]

I'm with Melissa and Emily. It sounds like she is just concerned about your "secret" getting out and ruining your otherwise impeccable reputation. I'm somewhat in the same boat as you except my wife doesn't know I go places (dress stores, etc.) dressed.
When I first told her over eight years ago, she was very concerned about who knew (at that time no one else did and few know now).

[battybattybats]

Can you not work to increase acceptance of TG etc within your community?

[Noel Chimes]

I thank you ,my sisters, for your advise and councel.:gh: She doesn't drink (diebetic) but there will be dinner and a lot of talk. :nailbiting: I do understand her fears and this is why I have always tried to be extra careful as to where I go and the people that know the "secret".
I will try to offer some comprimise that we both can live with. I know I should be happy with the fact that she accept me dressing, but like it was said, " once the cat is out of the bag it don't want to go back in".
I'll let you know what happens.:Pray:

[Holly]

Noel, please think hard about what was said at the meeting. Something triggered your wife's reaction. Hopefully the conversation the two of you are going to have will reassure her that her life with you is secure.

[Stephanie Scott]

Noel,

Not sure this is as much of a "religious issue" as it is a "security issue" for your wife, which you, as her husband, MUST be sensitive to. I am also a conservative Christian and find nothing inconsistent between my faith and my dressing. Frankly, once I accepted this part of myself, it has enhanced my faith, not detracted from it. Opening ALL of myself to God and allowing more of my heart and emotions into my worship has been a tremendous spiritual experience.

That being said, while we have freedom in Christ, we must use our freedoms responsibly, which includes not causing "weaker" brothers to stumble ("weaker" meaning those less mature in their faith -- many people in the church don't understand TG behavior and condemn it as a result -- which doesn't make them evil; it just makes them not always understanding).

Perhaps your wife is concerned that y'all's responsibilities in church offices potentially creates a problem along those lines if others were to find out. Perhaps she is worried about the perception of HER (the security issue) and of YOU (her beloved who might stand to be hurt). These are all legit concerns, and as servant-leaders in our houses, we husbands are called to sacrifice for our wives and families sometimes (in fact, we are called to love her like Christ loves the Church -- which means we should be willing to die if necessary).

Thus, your "sacrifice" might have to be reducing the scenarios in which you dress -- at least for awhile -- to bring her comfort, peace, and security. Remember -- loving someone is something you "do," not always something you just "feel," so you will be loving your wife if you are addressing her concerns and acting unselfishly -- even if you don't "feel" like it.

Trust me; I understand the inner turmoil it creates for you, and I'm not unsympathetic (or unempathetic). I certainly do not advertise my CDing for some of these reasons, but I also wouldn't deny it if asked or confronted. I desire to go out more and experience the world more with female eyes sometimes, but I have to measure those desires with a host of responsibilites surrounding the rest of my life -- my wife and family, job, finances, etc.

Just my 2 cents! Good luck, and try praying with your wife about it! Taking your problems to God -- your Creator who knows your heart and soul intimately -- is always a good thing and frequently leads to breakthrough resolutions.

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with Stephanie. This has nothing to do with religion.

I think U have to decide which is more important to u.
Your wife and your community standing or, your dressing and all that goes with it.
Once u decide that, it will make your life a lot easier.
RS

[Fab Karen]

The best solution would be for both of you to talk with a qualified couples therapist about your wife's fears & if needed, working out a reasonable compromise. At the deepest level, the problem isn't to do with your religion or the views of religious radicals preaching the opposite of what Jesus taught( any discussion of politics is verboten here anyway )

[Raquel June]

Is this post totally bogus? It doesn't make any sense.

What do you mean your S.O. joined the religious right? It looks to me like both of you joined it a long time ago.



When you strip all of the talk of "faith" away and all of the unnecessary conotations that go with it, your situation is no different from millions of others.

That's true, it doesn't really have much to do with religion, but the fact is that they hold positions in an organization which if forced to take a position would likely condemn a man dressing up like a woman and going to bars/parties/wherever. Regardless of your personal feelings on any of these issues, you have to admit that it would be quite the scandal if it came out that the superintendent of Sunday school was a crossdresser and his wife knew about it and approved. Do you want to damage the church? Why are you members?

Crossdressing is largely associated with some degree of bisexuality (regardless of whether or not the couple in this scenario are totally faithful to each other), and as such it is likely condemned by the church. If not condemned by the church, it is at least looked down upon by many of the members.

Just think about it. How many people at the church would want their children going to Sunday school if they knew it was presided over by a crossdresser?

It sounds like the SO is being just about as understanding as she possibly can be, but they're both living a lie. Something has to give.

[melissacd]

Can you not work to increase acceptance of TG etc within your community?

There is a group within the community that I live called Torchlight and it is supported by the local United Church. Within that church there is excellent support for transgenderism and the group is working to get this level of acceptance out to affiliated churches. That being said it is understandable that your wife is uncomfortable with how this might be viewed within the social network that she and you are a part of. It is a valid concern. If there were a way to bring up the topic of transgenderism (without initial disclosure of your being in tat community) within that community as supporting human rights and showing Christian compassion and charity perhaps over time that will grease the skids for your case. If the community is educated on TGs then enough will hopefully start to understand and if you are one day spotted by someone it will become less of an issue.

Ultimately, education of communities at large is the road to tolerance within any area where people are marginalized.

[MarciManseau]

I think this is why i con't go to church. peple telling me I can't do this or that when I'm not hurting anyone. :hugs:
Angie

There are too many people in the "religious right" who are wrong! I thought Christianity was supposed to be about love and acceptance, not "if you're not just like me and think like me, then I hate you."

And the rest of us are still forced to support them with our tax dollars as church are exempt from paying taxes. Where's the fairness in that?


Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:

[Melissa A.]

There are too many people in the "religious right" who are wrong! I thought Christianity was supposed to be about love and acceptance, not "if you're not just like me and think like me, then I hate you."

And the rest of us are still forced to support them with our tax dollars as church are exempt from paying taxes. Where's the fairness in that?


Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:

There is none, Marci. That churches can be exempt from paying taxes, collect huge sums of money, in some cases, and then urge their members to get involved in the political process, to try to create the fantasy world some of them dream of, borders on criminal to me.

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[janie2261]

The sooner you get over worrying about how things might look to others, the better. Life is way too short to worry about what others might think.

If your church provides a constricting, rather than supportive, environment, you should consider leaving it.

Christian churches have drifted very far away from the teachings of Jesus, who was all about love and forgiveness. Churches, especially those on the "religious right," are cesspools of hypocrisy.

Why be a member of that chucrch, if you or your wife are worried about this? If it is not a positive experience, quit.

[KayHenderson]

May I offer yet another perspective?

We are aligned with a denomination (Anglican) that I know to be quite unsympathetic to the transgendered. But there are other overriding factors that make us truly happy to be members of that particular church. In fact, the priest and I have become good friends.

I'm sure we're not the only members of the congregation who don't buy into every little thing the church espouses. And I don't feel like a hypocrite because my gender issue is a private matter - like many other aspects of my life I don't choose to make public. I have a third identity as a songwriter under another name, and only my immediate family and my producer know about that one.

I'm astounded that my priest, who is a very well-read and intelligent man, believes that transsexuals suffer from an addiction and that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. I know better, of course, but there's no room for debate. I will offer my viewpoint if the subject comes up, but I will not change his mind. Those beliefs are part of the faith he represents, and it's his job to espouse them.

I do wonder sometimes how it would affect our friendship if he knew I'm transgendered, I have a daughter and a niece who are lesbian and I lost a gay younger brother to AIDS in 1990.

On the subject of compromise with a spouse, I chose to find a safe situation to replace the risky behavior of going out in public precisely because I don't want to worry her. I took a volunteer job and work one day a week presenting as female. The people there are accepting, and there's no chance I will encounter anyone who knows my "other" identity.

http://anotherself.blogstream.com

[Mitch23]

I have a double whammy in that my wife is a conservative Christian and also the local school ma'am which makes her a 'respected figure' in a small town community. For those reasons she is uncomfortable with my crossdressing and is only prepared to tolerate it if done discreetly and away from the neighbourhood. I have to respect her views and limit my adventures accordingly. My church is a very welcoming place to those who are marginalised for whatever reason and I know my God is not really that bothered about how I choose to dress

Mitch

[Nicole Erin]

People "find God" and join religious things all the time, but how long does it normally last?

I would just take it as a phase, things should go back to normal soon.

Also, are there any GLBT churches in your area? I know switching churches is a pain but anyways, "MCC" I think is what they call themselves. Metropolitan Community Church" or something...

It is something to think about

[RobertaFermina]

Well,

If someone from my church had to give my S.O. a ride to see me "dressed" there'd be no problem. I dress at church.

So....maybe you can find a Community of Faith/Spirit/Whatever that works for all three of you ?

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Raquel June]

I agree with 99% of everything being said here, but let's not start ranting about how bad most religions are.

I think the bottom line is that the OP is a member of a church that doesn't share her beliefs, so it's difficult to offer up any legitimate help without knowing exactly why she is a member and what her goals are.


But there are other overriding factors that make us truly happy to be members of that particular church. In fact, the priest and I have become good friends.

Is that really a good idea? Don't you feel like at least a little bit of a hypocrite? The church believes X. You are a member of the church, therefore you are saying that you also believe X. Others who know you as a member of the church are going to assume you believe X. You likely had to make some kind of an official declaration that you believe X to become a member.

If you see X as a bad thing, then you have serious problems. Even if you don't actually believe in X, you are publicly associating yourself with people who do, and that's actually worse. For example, it would be ridiculous for a Jew to join the Nazi party just because they thought there were some friendly people there and then try to justify it by saying, "Hey, I don't buy into every little thing the Nazi party espouses!"

See, if you think Nazi thoughts in private and they don't hurt anyone, that's your own business. But if you join the Nazi party (even if you don't believe what they believe), that is a terrible thing which supports the decay of society.

Admittedly this is an extreme analogy, and I'm sure your church isn't a bunch of Nazis, but you obviously don't agree with them on some very serious issues, so I don't think many of your sisters here are going to condone you being a member and supporting them financially.


I'm sure we're not the only members of the congregation who don't buy into every little thing the church espouses. And I don't feel like a hypocrite because my gender issue is a private matter - like many other aspects of my life I don't choose to make public. I have a third identity as a songwriter under another name, and only my immediate family and my producer know about that one.

I'm astounded that my priest, who is a very well-read and intelligent man, believes that transsexuals suffer from an addiction and that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. I know better, of course, but there's no room for debate. I will offer my viewpoint if the subject comes up, but I will not change his mind. Those beliefs are part of the faith he represents, and it's his job to espouse them.

Celibacy is a lifestyle choice, so by extension it can be argued that practicing heterosexuality or homosexuality are also choices. You can't change who you're attracted to, but you are responsible for your actions. Most religions don't want unmarried heteros having sex, so there's no reason to be alarmed that they don't want unmarried bi- or homosexual people having sex.

Maybe your priest would change some of his opinions if he knew a good friend of his felt completely different.

Don't you want to stand up for yourself? Wouldn't you be happier in a church that shared your beliefs?


I do wonder sometimes how it would affect our friendship if he knew I'm transgendered, I have a daughter and a niece who are lesbian and I lost a gay younger brother to AIDS in 1990.

Those are HUGE secrets you have from your priest. I really have to wonder what you're getting out of being associated with the priest/church.

[KayHenderson]

Maybe your priest would change some of his opinions if he knew a good friend of his felt completely different.

Don't you want to stand up for yourself? Wouldn't you be happier in a church that shared your beliefs?

Those are HUGE secrets you have from your priest. I really have to wonder what you're getting out of being associated with the priest/church.

I guess I didn't make my point clear. They are not opinions, and he doesn't have the option to change them. He's a sworn advocate for the church.

I feel no need to reveal everything about my life to my priest - no matter how "huge" - unless I need his assistance. Since I do not believe I am committing a sin, confession certainly doesn't apply.

There are a number of congregations here in town that welcome the transgendered. So I'm aware of the options. But would I be happier there? No. There are overriding factors that make us quite happy to be where we are.

Although I respect and appreciate your views, I must tell you that I'm the offspring of a career organist and choir director (over 60 years) and have been exposed to a large number of denominations in my 60-plus years of on-and-off church attendance. One must make his or her own decisions regarding where (and if) to worship based upon his or her own criteria, background and needs. Whether or not my church chooses to recognize reality on this one issue is moot. It's not as if they rail against it; I had to do some research even to find any reference to it.

I heard a term this past year that fits the situation perfectly: "cafeteria Catholic". You don't have to swallow everything on the table to be fulfilled.

[StephanieH]

:2c: Hey, for what it's worth, I work with the youth at our church and have been very active with the teens and worship band for a couple of years now.

I don't think your wife's concerns are unreasonable at all. I don't go out in public dressed (yet) anyway, so it's easy for me to say I suppose, but I wouldn't dream of placing myself or my wife in a situation where our little secret could be discovered and then put her or myself in the position to face the music.

It takes a lot of time to build up faith and respect from those around us and only a second to lose it forever. If you want to remain in a leadership position in your church, I agree with your wife, don't take chances that will hurt both of you, and more importantly, HURT YOUR WITNESS to others. DO YOU WANT TO LEAD SOMEONE AWAY FROM THE LORD?

And I'm NOT saying crossdressing is a sin or that anything done between consenting adults is. I do it too and have since I was a kid. The damage here will come not from crossdressing, but from hiding the act of CD'ing and the perceived deception. The church will likely not look on you as a pervert, but they will wonder what else you're not telling them. And that, is where the danger comes in.

Have fun, God wired us up this way for a reason, but don't take risks which will put a negative light on yourself, your wife, or the Lord, should something go awry.

Take care! :happy:

[Fab Karen]

I guess I didn't make my point clear. They are not opinions, and he doesn't have the option to change them. He's a sworn advocate for the church.
.
They're not opinions, they're facts? Then in the eyes of that church you're a sinner & a hypocrit. For your sake I hope he isn't of the Jim Jones faith.

[KayHenderson]

Then in the eyes of that church you're a sinner & a hypocrit.

Well, of course I'm a sinner. I think that's why I'm there.

Rather than bore the readers with more of my blather on this subject, I invite you to send me a private message. I don't mind talking about it, but I'm afraid this might not be the right place to do so.

Thanks...

[Raquel June]

They're not opinions, they're facts? Then in the eyes of that church you're a sinner & a hypocrit. For your sake I hope he isn't of the Jim Jones faith.

Catholics have an interesting concept of myth and what they "believe" on paper. There are many many things which they are supposed to believe which are overtly ridiculous, such as the idea that the sacrement (the cracker you get in church) actually turns into the body of Christ. None of them seriously believe that they are eating Jesus, but they all have to believe it anyway.

It's difficult not to make fun of, but it's no less crazy than what any other religion believes when you get down to analyzing it. The advantage that Catholics have is that there's no bickering in what they believe. For example, on the subject of the importance of eating a cracker in church, non-Catholic Christians have many different opinions, some of which have directly lead to the splitting off of different sects.

When people make fun of Catholics, they will often point out things which they are supposed to believe, like the Pope having God-like powers and having the authority to send people to hell, but in reality they don't really believe this even though they are supposed to. A lot of these weird things were originally set in writing and determined to be Catholic law so that the church would have greater political power. Catholics in my experience have a pretty firm grasp on reality mixed with a solid amount of denial, but somehow they turn out pretty OK in the end.

I've had a lot of experience with "Born Again" Christians and with Catholics, and as crazy as Catholics are with regard to their entire concept of belief, I have always found them to be much more stable/normal/tolerant/better people. It's the Born Agains that worry me -- they have much less room for flexibility.

As another example, while the Catholic church is stongly against homosexuality, I have never met a Catholic who personally condemned homosexuals, and I have met several non-Catholic Christians who did.

But yes, in reality a Catholic in such a position is a liar and a hypocrite and probably technically going to hell in the eyes of the church. I just don't think any of them actually think like that. It's hard not to argue about those kinds of things with them...

[teresa jeen]

what i cant understand is for most of us its not about being gay its about feeling comfortable in your own skin. just like everyone has genes some have more female genes than others. i just wish i had more.

[KayHenderson]

But yes, in reality a Catholic in such a position is a liar and a hypocrite and probably technically going to hell in the eyes of the church.

Luckily, it's not the church's eyes we're concerned about.:happy:

[ShortSkirtCindy]

Hello Racquel,

Interesting take you have on Catholicism....

I am one of those "Catholics" and have been all my life. From Kindergarten through H.S. (schooling) to present.

I am not going to try and turn this thread into a religious discussion as it detracts from the topic, but I will be the first to admit that I do not agree with everything related to my religion, as I believe our faith is a personal thing, not to be debated or torn apart, as you will find, most Catholics to be the same IMO.

As for your Wife's feelings about being "Caught" and practicing discression within your Community, I feel that is something you both need to be on the same page.

I venture out myself but I try to do it in the parameters where it willl have no effect on my family life, being found out by who and where is a fine line I walk when being "Cindy"

Best of luck to you:)

Cindy

[Cindi Johnson]

I was gonna give my two cents worth, plus some, but Marci Manseau has already stated it all very nicely.

I will just add that simply because you were raised in a religion, or are comfortable there, doesn't mean you can't leave it all behind. It's hard to reconcile science and religion, and getting harder by the year. Ultimately, I'll side with facts over scripture.

Cindi Johnson

[Fab Karen]

It's the Born Agains that worry me -- they have much less room for flexibility.

As another example, while the Catholic church is stongly against homosexuality, I have never met a Catholic who personally condemned homosexuals, and I have met several non-Catholic Christians who did.

But yes, in reality a Catholic in such a position is a liar and a hypocrite and probably technically going to hell in the eyes of the church. I just don't think any of them actually think like that. It's hard not to argue about those kinds of things with them...
Fundamentalists praying Bush starts WWIII to "help bring on the rapture", you're not kidding.
I agree there are some catholics who truly follow the teachings of Jesus, like good people I have met involved in the Catholic Worker.

[Joann0830]

I read this and I would ask you one question "how long ago did you become the Superintendent" was it before or after that you found out about being a crossdresser. I know that I myself have been one since I can remember, so if you were one before you accepted this position, how could you not ever fathom the issues that your wife brought out to you and you say she knows about you as a CD.
Yes your wife has her concerns and Very good ones But I again "did she know you were a CD?" and if so. Why did you not sit and talk about you and her having full knowledge of this before you both accepted these positions and really being truthful not only to you but to the congregation. I have many times over have realized that I would not be accepted but still believe in God who is forgiving. I also have my strong issues when I feel that being judged by others who say they are devout to there religion yet commit acts that the church would call sinners.
You ask us how to approach this issue and I say to you both to sit and re-evaluate what you are and that this issue has been known to you for probably before you married and also after you were married.
Start from there and decide is this position that you both have a position of Trust and can you both be honest about it.
As far as being out and about in Fem we all here face that issue thats why we are here. I can say you are not even safe in your house as some Members expressed in other Threads Joann0830:sad:

[KimberlyS]

Excellent response Randi.

KimberlyS


:2c: Hey, for what it's worth, I work with the youth at our church and have been very active with the teens and worship band for a couple of years now.

I don't think your wife's concerns are unreasonable at all. I don't go out in public dressed (yet) anyway, so it's easy for me to say I suppose, but I wouldn't dream of placing myself or my wife in a situation where our little secret could be discovered and then put her or myself in the position to face the music.

It takes a lot of time to build up faith and respect from those around us and only a second to lose it forever. If you want to remain in a leadership position in your church, I agree with your wife, don't take chances that will hurt both of you, and more importantly, HURT YOUR WITNESS to others. DO YOU WANT TO LEAD SOMEONE AWAY FROM THE LORD?

And I'm NOT saying crossdressing is a sin or that anything done between consenting adults is. I do it too and have since I was a kid. The damage here will come not from crossdressing, but from hiding the act of CD'ing and the perceived deception. The church will likely not look on you as a pervert, but they will wonder what else you're not telling them. And that, is where the danger comes in.

Have fun, God wired us up this way for a reason, but don't take risks which will put a negative light on yourself, your wife, or the Lord, should something go awry.

Take care! :happy:

[Tina Dixon]

I got the shock of my life yesterday. My Mrs. and I were in attendance for our annual church meeting. It was time to set the calendar and elect new officers, and since we were officers ( me superintendant of Sunday School and audio; she women's ministry) we had to be there.
On the way home my wife hit me with, " I think that you need to be a little more conservative with your activities". So I said, "so you don't want me going out anymore"? And her reply was, "well what if something were to happen and I had to call someone to take me to where you are and you are dessed up"? (i.e. hospital, jail, etc) Espically since I had just received a ticket for an improper turn, while dressed.
She did agree that I could still dress around the house or when we go out of town where we don't know anyone with the exception of friends I have made (through this and other cd sites). But it is very seldom we go out of town ($$$$$ trouble).
So now what do I do? I really don't like going to "parties en drab". To me that is just too much hassle. And what is the sence of getting all dolled ou with no place to go? Especially now that I am finding places to go where I feel comfortable in public.
Ok, I need to hear from my sisters out there. How do I keep a happy home and not go back into the closet?
I think your lucky as it is, being as churchy as she sounds I'm suprised she don't think you need to be saved, enjoy what you got it more than some of us have.

[Scotty]

I'd have to side with your wife on that one.

You have a good balance already, you can dress and she allows it so it seems - so if she's asking for something like this I would respect it.

I've had a few experiences with freinds that have HAD to go to wrecks with family members etc so I can respect what she's saying.

Give a little, take a little, give a lil back....

[Stephanie Scott]

I think the gratuitous shots at conservative Christians here are unwarranted (especially since it is obvious that the critics do not know what they're talking about). How does that help Noel? The most intolerant people I know are NOT Christians; they are those who demand tolerance from everyone else for whatever THEY do. Everyone jumps up and down and starts screaming when someone discusses their faith outside of church or on a thread that's not in the "religious discussion group" (as if faith can be put in a box somewhere and becomes irrelevant to everything else -- NOT), but they have no problem bashing those of faith and accusing them of wanting to start WWIII -- ridiculous and hypocritical.

Let's stick to trying to help Noel with the problem -- within the confines of her faith -- without attacking her (or her wife's) faith. Ok? If you don't have something nice or helpful to say, then keep quiet.

The reality of her situation is that she and/or her wife are Christians, and the lack of understanding for TG issues sometimes exists within the church because it is not frequently discussed or known about. That doesn't make people evil; it makes them uneducated on the topic.

[MAJESTYK]

I was going to post in this thread . Then a small voice said to me " if you want to make friends,speak. If you want to turn friends against each other, speak about religion. " Seriously, can we let it go all ready ? It wont end and we are supposed to be family after all aren't we? :hugs:

[Christine XX]

I see three steps you can take:

1) Compromise. You love your wife. Your wife is worried. Help her out. Maybe you can cut back on the outings somewhat without quitting.

2) Prevent car trouble. Do you have a mechanic you trust? Go in regularly to check your tires, coolant, and change the oil. Make sure to always fill the tank the day before an outing. Gas, oil, tires, and coolant problems cause about 95% of car trouble and it’s all preventable.

3) Plan for trouble. Charge your cell phone and bring it. Join an auto club like AAA and get the premium membership. Always bring enough cash for a tow truck and a cab ride. Always bring a “boy bag” with jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, and make-up removing wipes. It will take twenty minutes for a tow truck, a cab, or your wife to get to you, which is plenty of time for you to change.

Now, talk it all over with her. Let her know you take her feelings seriously and see if you can’t make her feel more comfortable because of all the planning you’ve done.

Good luck!
-Christine

[Raquel June]

The reality of her situation is that she and/or her wife are Christians, and the lack of understanding for TG issues sometimes exists within the church because it is not frequently discussed or known about. That doesn't make people evil; it makes them uneducated on the topic.

We can all agree with that. The rest of your post seemed to be a rant about people who rant :p

[Noel Chimes]

Well, when I wrote this thread, I knew that I was in for a lot of opinions. And I am happy that we live in a country that allows us to express them without fear.
I did sit down with my wife and discuss her fears with reguards to my dressing and the possibilities of being "spotted". I will be using a bit more discression in where I go and when, and let her know that everything is alright. We have put in a backup plan if there is a problem. I now have someone who knows about my dressing and is available to assist in the event of a problem. As far as my car, I do just about all of my own maintenance work so I know what shape the car is in before heading out .
My dear sisters, we live in a world that sometimes agrees with our lifestyle and sometimes it doesn't, but who is to say which is right and wrong. Even the bible says, " judge not lest ye be judged". However the choices we make for ourselves are the ones we have to live with. And if we make them for ourselves alone that is fine. However when it involves those we love (i.e wife, friends, family) we then have to consider to fallout that will come their way.
It is up to us to educate the world that we are NOT some crazed monster bent on destroying the world, but that we are human beings who love life and look at the world a bit differently. Let us not be partakers of hater-aid, but be servers of tolerance and understanding. Remember, you can lead a horse to the water but you can't make him drink.

[Raquel June]

You sound like a smart person who has it together, and your wife is pretty understanding. I'm sure things will be fine.

[Melissa A.]

[SIZE="3"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]:2c: The damage here will come not from crossdressing, but from hiding the act of CD'ing and the perceived deception. The church will likely not look on you as a pervert, but they will wonder what else you're not telling them. And that, is where the danger comes in.


:

Well, I'm not so sure about that. If the damage will not come from crossdressing but the deception, then the logical conclusion, then, would be to not hide who you are at all. I'm certainly not saying that it's only religious groups or persons who would react extremely negatively. Unfortunately, most people would. But groups are a little different than individuals in their collective reactions. I don't know if the word pervert is too weak or too srtong, but I tend to think you would be looked upon extremely negatively for being an honest crossdresser, but not really be too much worse off for being a "dishonest" crossdresser. In this case, I think it's more about the act, than not sharing. If she were caught, not from going out, but through no fault of her own, say, if someone found out somehow and told everyone, would the outcome be any different?
That's just my opinion.

And I think that the "wonder What else you are not telling them" part, while just conjecture, is terrible. Not that you would write that, Randi. Terrible that that could be the assumption by some.

I do agree, though I will disclose that religion is not a part of my life, that if your participation is very important to you and your wife, that being careful is probably the best course of action for you. I also think that's too bad, in alot of ways. I wish you and your wife strength and the best of luck.

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[Melissa A.]

I will just add that simply because you were raised in a religion, or are comfortable there, doesn't mean you can't leave it all behind. It's hard to reconcile science and religion, and getting harder by the year. Ultimately, I'll side with facts over scripture.

Cindi Johnson

You are correct, Cindi. The only difference between the persecutors of Copernicus and and Galileo, and those who attack Darwin's theories is that today's folks have less excuses for their defensiveness and intolerance. I was going to add ignorance, but I'm not sure it is. I think many of them know they are grasping at straws, but just feel so threatened, they'll take any straw that comes along.

I apologise, girls, this is really off-subject.

Hugs

Melissa:happy:

[DonnaT]

I see three steps you can take:

1) Compromise. You love your wife. Your wife is worried. Help her out. Maybe you can cut back on the outings somewhat without quitting.

2) Prevent car trouble. Do you have a mechanic you trust? Go in regularly to check your tires, coolant, and change the oil. Make sure to always fill the tank the day before an outing. Gas, oil, tires, and coolant problems cause about 95% of car trouble and it’s all preventable.

3) Plan for trouble. Charge your cell phone and bring it. Join an auto club like AAA and get the premium membership. Always bring enough cash for a tow truck and a cab ride. Always bring a “boy bag” with jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, and make-up removing wipes. It will take twenty minutes for a tow truck, a cab, or your wife to get to you, which is plenty of time for you to change.

Now, talk it all over with her. Let her know you take her feelings seriously and see if you can’t make her feel more comfortable because of all the planning you’ve done.

Good luck!
-Christine

I'm glad I read through the whole thread so I didn't have to type this :D

I agree with Christine. Always be prepared. About the only thing one can't prepare for is an accident.

If your wife has only suggested cutting back on local outings, and has no problem with your dressing at other times, then I wouldn't suggest that she joined any "religious right". That would entail asking you to stop CDing.

She sounds supportive/understanding, so I'm sure you can be just as understanding of her fears, given your position in the church.

More than one church leader has been outed in the last couple of years.

[CDlover79]

I am glad that I have friends that accept my Crossdressing lifestyle. If I tell my family about this, they'll never come anywhere near me again. Plus I have a friend from high school who started dressing up after his 19th birthday. His mom accepted his lifestyle, but my family, wants me to stay away from him. This is why I keep this lifestyle very discreet!

My family is Southern Baptist, trust me, they don't believe in bi-sexuals, let alone crossdressers, they think we are being manipulated by the devil. Homosexuals are definitely not accepted in our churches. I believe if you have a personal relationship with him, then everything should be good.

But I do worry if I get into an accident and have to go to a hospital, kinda hard to explain myself in women's pumps, and pantyhose under my jeans, or if I come from a Drag Queen party. Something I have to think about though.

[sarahkatie]

It's difficult to go backward. Like Patton said, "I don't like to pay for the same piece of real estate twice."
But considering she is your wife, I'd suggest submitting to her wishes-at least for awhile. Talk to her over a glass or two of wine. And TALK!! Don't dance around the subject. Tell her how you really feel. Thin too, about what might make her happy, and DO it for her.
If she loves you, she will come around, realizing that this is one thing in your life that gives you happiness. And don't forget to tell her that she is also a source of great joy to you.

As a gg myself, I like this option, sometimes all we so's need is a reassurance that you guys are still thinking of/caring about 'our' needs too. :-) :hugs: it might not be logical at all, but taking her out to dinner, or buying her a few unexpected gifts can go along way too:-). Definitely make sure too that you do TALK, and share what you are feeling/thinking in a way that is giving her an explanation, NOT an excuse. An excuse implies that YOU think what you are doing is wrong. :hugs:

sk-gg

[Fab Karen]

I think the gratuitous shots at conservative Christians here are unwarranted (especially since it is obvious that the critics do not know what they're talking about).

If people start preaching, don't get upset when people react. Going beyond asking the question with a tangent led to the talk about religion.
And there IS a difference between christians who are conservative & the radical right who would like to destroy democracy & freedom in this country.