Transitioning in a small community

[kerrianna]

I was wondering if any of you have experienced transitioning in a small community, a place where most people know you and where when you go out you can expect to run into a lot of people that know you quite well.

I have lived in such a community for 17 years, and had quite a few different jobs, interests etc, so I know a very wide range of people here. I consider myself well liked by most people, and supported by them, which we found out when my partner was diagnosed with cancer last year.

But I cringe at the thought of outing myself to the entire community. I know it will be the talk of town, and I'll be self conscious every time I go out.

On the other hand... they have been so supportive otherwise and if they really like me, wouldn't they be okay with it and maybe even helpful? I should add I live in a very liberal community. There are enclaves of conservatism, but most people are very "live and let live" here. It's actually kind of a haven for eccentrics and oddballs. (yes...I fit in well :heehee:)

So on one hand, you have the self conscious/ having to explain things all the time, on the other hand you have people who like you and might still be good support through this. (I'm sure some will be freaked out and avoid you).

So is it better to transition in the anomynity of a big city?
(certainly more resources, but I'm more thinking about how people around you react). In my case I am close enough to tap into the resources...although living in the city would make everything a lot easier.

[Sejd]

Hi Kerrianna
I understand your conserns, but the fact it that intollerant people live everywhere. In big cities and in small. If you are comfortable with most people in your small town, most likely, they will also be comfortable with you as a TS. I learn this over and over again, that people like you for what you put out and not just how you appear. There are Trannies who behave like real jerks and there are wonderful ones who are gentle, kind and honnest. Having said that, I also know that we are more a target for hate crimes etc. We have to be wise women and walk with great care on this earth.
Happy new year!
hugs
Sejd

[Kate Simmons]

Even in large cities there are smaller "communities" Kez, where everyone knows your "name". Some folks will never be fazed one way or the other and will treat us the same as always and will figure we just have a "quirk". Others may view us with some suspicion and will look at us "sideways". These are the ones who will watch us in everything we do like a hawk. Once they see we are no different than before and our integrity is intact, they will eventually forget our uniqueness and treat us the same as always. Since I have come "out", I have no intention of changing just to please someone else or of going back to being the phoney person I was, so the best others can do is to learn to "deal with it" because they would not "change" for me, why should they expect me to change for them? Actions speak louder than words in any case.:happy:

[BrendaB GG]

Oh yeah. We live in a small seaside community on the edge of a big city. Everybody knows each other by name, our kids are in school, so even more people know us, our neighbors all wander all over the place into each others yards, they come to the door unannounced, stuff like that, all very exciting stuff when you have a secret.
But now that the secret is out, all the fears, all the anxiety, gone. They have literally embraced us as a couple and all our friends and neighbors stand by us. Nothing has changed except that we are closer to most people now than we were before.

I see that we live in the same province, people here are very live and let live and for that we can be very grateful.
Brenda

[Maggie Kay]

In California, even in a small town, people rarely get to know each other. I live in a seaside community and people know me but we don't ever do much other than chat about the weather every six months or so. I don't know the names of my neighbors and only one time in 25 years did I have an opportunity to be invited into my neighbor's house.

Instead, I chat with clerks at the post office when I am there and these are the people I see the most. One is an ex marine and Vietnam vet who mis-manages the rules to force me to pay more for postage on my packages by rounding up when he measures my packages. And he measures every one. He will stand back from the counter with a smirk on his face and tells me that I am going to pay more than I expected. I use the computerized label I attached from the web site which has the correct postage amount printed on it. He reminds me of the soup Nazi in Seinfeld. He didn't do this before I started showing. The other clerks just use the dimensions on the bottom of the box and also are very friendly. We joke around sometimes and often leave the office laughing. It is fun.

So, I feel pretty much that my transition can happen here even though the familiar people I see might object. It is not a conservative area for the most part. My biggest issue is that I need to be able to go out in full femme as Maggie Kay with my SO. She doesn't like the idea that people see us as lesbians.

[Teresa Amina]

an ex marine and Vietnam vet who mis-manages the rules to force me to pay more for postage on my packages...... tells me that I am going to pay more than I expected

Somehow you need to get this on tape and get it to the Postal Investigators- this jackass will be sweating bullets and at the very least be refused any future promotion. If he retaliates he's out on his ass making $7 somewhere else instead of the $15 + he's making at the US Postal Service :Angry3:

[Maggie Kay]

It is a matter of measurement. I send a box that is 24x12x6 and by that measure, it comes out to be 1 cubic foot. However, if it measures 6 and 1/8" instead of 6", it is over 1 cubic foot and he can then charge 2 cubic foot dimensional weight. He knows that it is within his discretion to call it 1 cubic foot but for me, no way. Technically he is correct.
Instead of making a fuss about it, I just pass up my place in line if he is the only open clerk and wait for the next nice one.
I know that this irks him.

It is just one negative about a TG person living in a small town.

[xexoticx]

hey hun
i know what you mean i am more less in a redneck community myslef for my whole 22 years of my life and you never know how some people will react. there has been one person that i know (married with kids) that has done it and she was the talk of the town but was mostly behind ur back which isnt that great but at least u dont have to deal with any of it. i havent yet started transitioning im on my way looking for therapist and other info. im sure if u wanted u could move to the city where u have a fresh start and no one knows u but u have to start over look for a new place and job which is almost more of a bother then the convience of the resources not to mention your more less running from your problems.

[Sammy_34DD]

I think I can say...that the one thing that is really holding me back...is living in a small towm. Don't get me wrong-I love all the benefits...but sometimes knowing everyone and thier dog too...is how should i put it...a little too easy for word to travel. Now...I know for a fact that ni my town...many people are open-minded and open-hearted...but I still can't get past this hurdle...and its VERY dissappointing!!! But,since I've found this site...and read the encouragement and support from everyone...maybe things will change for me!

Hope my little words helped?

[AmberTG]

Well, I know that, in my own case, I'll probably continue to transition ffrom my little house in my little, narrow minded town until such time as I can sell the house and move. My motivation for moving is not transition, but rather my distance to work. It's more then 70 miles, one way, too far to travel. If it wasn't for that, I'd probably stay where I am now, close to the V.A. hospital that I go through for my care, including transition care.
My therapist tells me that this area is probably not a good place to transition, and she's probably right, but it's where I live right now, so it'll have to do for now.
To give you an idea of the kind of place I live, 15 years ago there was no diversity in this area, it was 99.9% caucasian, and that's the way people here liked it. It's not like that now, but a lot of people here are still getting over it. The gay community here is very low key, mostly unnoticed, so having a trans person around here is a stretch for them. The good thing is that most people are so busy with their own problems that they don't notice things unless you throw it in their face. I know I turn more heads by carrying my "man purse" then Teresa does when she's out, she very seldom even gets a second look. But then, she passes quite well, lucky her! I'm working on it though.

[Stephenie S]

I was wondering if any of you have experienced transitioning in a small community, a place where most people know you and where when you go out you can expect to run into a lot of people that know you quite well.

The answer is yes, I live in a small New England town where most people know most others, if not by name, at least by sight.
And yes, I transitioned in full view.

I have lived in such a community for 17 years, and had quite a few different jobs, interests etc, so I know a very wide range of people here. I consider myself well liked by most people, and supported by them, which we found out when my partner was diagnosed with cancer last year.

I haven't lived here that long, but long enough so many know me. The postmaster, my bank manager, the convenience store clerk. They all know both me and my wife, and where we live. We have a distictive house.

But I cringe at the thought of outing myself to the entire community. I know it will be the talk of town, and I'll be self conscious every time I go out.

OK. Now I read this thought from others all the time, and I actually had this SAME thought myself, so please don't be offended by what I am about to say. It's not said to offend, but only to help. GET OVER YOURSELF. Where did you get the idea that you were so important that you would become "the talk of the town"? It just ain't gonna happen, hon. People don't care that much. An ice storm? A flood? A major fire with loss of life? Maybe that will get to be the talk of the town, but little old you? Come on sweetie, face it, you just aren't that important.

I used to sweat bullets just walking from my house to my car, thinking that the whole town must be watching and gossiping. Now I know that no one paid any attention at all.

On the other hand... they have been so supportive otherwise and if they really like me, wouldn't they be okay with it and maybe even helpful? I should add I live in a very liberal community. There are enclaves of conservatism, but most people are very "live and let live" here. It's actually kind of a haven for eccentrics and oddballs. (yes...I fit in well :heehee:)

So, what did I do? I knew, because it was a small town, that I would have to continue to use the services I had been using. I still had to go to the post office. I still had to go to the bank. I still had to go to the dry cleaners and the gas station and the convenience store.

Well, I dressed casual, but nice (Eddie Bauer) (no heels and stockings kinda stuff) and visited everyone. I told them what I was doing and that they would be seeing me look a little different from then on. EVERYONE was completely supportive. And, here's the surprise, almost everyone had a story to tell about how a relative, or a friend, or someone they knew, was doing the same thing. It was NO BIG DEAL!! Hear that? It was no big deal. I thought people would get upset and agitated over it, and I was a bit disapointed that no one seemed to really care that much. So relax, hon. The more relaxed YOU are about it, the more matter of fact you appear to others, the more relaxed they are gonna be about it.

So on one hand, you have the self conscious/ having to explain things all the time, on the other hand you have people who like you and might still be good support through this. (I'm sure some will be freaked out and avoid you).

So is it better to transition in the anomynity of a big city?
(certainly more resources, but I'm more thinking about how people around you react). In my case I am close enough to tap into the resources...although living in the city would make everything a lot easier.

Yes and no. I really value the support I have gotten from my neighbors and friends here. I also really value the fact that we are near a large metropolitan area that has a major university. Sort of the best of both worlds.


I think the area where you live has less to do with the sucess of your transition than has the relationship you have with those around you. Are you well liked? Do people seem glad to see you?

In any case, these are my experiences. Take from them what you can.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[kerrianna]

Thanks Stephenie, I really appreciated hearing about your experiences and how you handled things. :hugs::love:

Of course I am that important that everyone will talk about me! :p Well, maybe for a day. There's always someone else to talk about. Like our local politician who got booted out of his party for shafting his father-in-law on a huge loan and then bragging about how great he was with finances. I can always count on someone to overshadow me.

I am well liked....that I know. That's what got me thinking about this....because my first instinct was to flee the small community to start over where no one knew me...and then I kept thinking, "but everyone loves me here...wouldn't that actually make it a BETTER place to have support when I most need it?"

One of my things is I am super-shy and hate attention, although I am growing out of that (lol, after 49 years :rolleyes:)

I know if I do need to transition I will have to learn to believe in myself more. I've actually come a long way in the last few years, especially in the last year and a half. Growing into myself has also helped me gain self-confidence.

Still at that stage where it's hard to walk into a crowded room if I think people will notice me arrive. I'd rather slip in and stick to the edges.

Whatever path I choose this is sure to keep me growing and pushing myself. Better late than never.

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. It's helpful to hear what you all think. :happy:

[Teresa Amina]

my first instinct was to flee the small community to start over where no one knew me

You're reading my script there! Except it's just what I've done as it was not only my first instinct but what I decided would work for me. Dealing with the shadow of my old life was not an additional burden I wanted. But the size of the community really isn't the problem. Here in Amber's town it's smaller than where I came from, and even less liberal. But the size of my shadow is very small, just what I've established from doing things in guy-mode for convenience and what's necessary due to my legal identity. I'm comfortable going anywhere fully Teresafied now where before I had that nagging fear of gawd-knows-what about to befall me if I didn't drive a couple hundred miles away first. Relief! But I have no immediate family or employer to worry about so my path probably wouldn't work for most folks.

[Wendy48088]

"...One is an ex marine and Vietnam vet who mis-manages the rules to force me to pay more for postage on my packages by rounding up when he measures my packages..."

Sorry to hear that this guy is being a jerk to you. For what it's worth, you are obviously bothering him enough by your presence that he feels compelled to do something to insult you. Sounds like the kind of person who is a jerk to his wife (if he has one) also (and if he has kids, you bet bet they don't have much to say to him).

By the way, I am a former Marine, VietNam era (USMC 1974-1978). Stayed stateside (well, except for a 6 month Med float). Also know two other former Marines who are TS.

They do program you with the attitude in Boot Camp, but what you become in civilian life after the military is optional...

[RobynM]

Hi Kerriana,
from your descrition of a liberal community it seems to me that all the problems are in your head - nothing unusual about that. I promise that you'll find that (mostly) nobody cares anywhere near as much as you do.
I live in a relatively small community and in my time have had a fairly high profile, consequently I was a bit nervous at first but it has all been so easy in the end.
OK, people occasionally ask questions but they are bound to, they're curious - just answer them honestly. A lot of people still call me by the male abbreviation they always have ( not surprising, Robyn IS my real name and always has been), of course they do - it's habit and only offensive if you choose to let it be.
This is a very old fashioned, conservative area - I lived here for 25 years before I was considered a local - yet I have had no problems.
People WILL mutter behind your back, kids WILL point and shout occassionally, some people in stores and such WILL deliberately and loudly refer to you as sir. For everyone of those there will be a thousand who simply let you get on with life and, more valuable, ten who will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable.
Belief is infectious, believe in yourself and others will believe in you.

[kerrianna]

Thank you Robyn, that was a beautiful and inspiring post. :hugs::love:

Hehehe, yeah 25 years is about the same here before you are considered local, although that was more true when we moved here. It's changing and growing so fast, that people are actually astounded we've been here nearly 18 years. Well, except the old timers. They still look at you like you're fresh off the boat. :p

[Lanore]

No matter where you are, small city or large, just be who you are. If you have hidden yourself from everyone, then it will take some time for them to accept the new you. Take baby steps. Which do you notice more, a heavy rain or a mist?

Lanore

[Sejd]

I live in a small town, under 200 thousand although it is the capital of our state. I have the luxury of working at home, but my "Stuff" get's shipped via UPS, and recently I am mostly dressed as Sejd. My UPS driver doesn't seem to care one bit, just smiles and is still the same ol friendly guy he has always been. I am more and more leaning to the fact that our problems about being accepted are mostly in our own heads. Having said that, I know that I don't live in a small town in Utah or Idaho (I know about those places intimately) and I know that it might not be as easy in such locations. Maybe it is a mixed bag? I know for sure that I feel less and less of the oppinion of hiding or conceiling my true sexuality. I like who I am now, it makes me very happy, and I think it shows and breaks down barriers. We just need to be ourselves and shine in our beauty. And still, professionally, we have to be smart about our choices and appearance. One thing is to be comfortable about who you are, another is to loose your profession or to put yourself out of business. Well there you have it, life is a balance of it all.
Hugs
Sejd

[Teresa Amina]

small town, under 200 thousand

:eek: Where I moved from was 35000, where I'm at is less than 9000. 200000 is huge! :D

[xexoticx]

i agree, thats not that smae so consider yourself lucky, i live in a town of 1000 and the closest town of 15,000 is 30 minutes away

[Nadine]

I was wondering if any of you have experienced transitioning in a small community, a place where most people know you and where when you go out you can expect to run into a lot of people that know you quite well.



I live in a small farming community where everybody knows everybody else. When I found out that I was an XX-male I told a few of my closest friends in the community. In no time at all the news had spread throughout the community.

Since my diagnosis I have gone onto HRT and my figure is now developing real female features. I dress pretty androgenously and cannot hide my 34-C breasts. No-one pas passed any snide remarks or made any adverse statements about me and the community still behave the same towards me as they did before. In fact, I was re-elected as Chairperson of our local nature conservancy the other day!

A remark that one of my dear friends made when I told her about my condition was, "Don't worry, you'll always be the same kind person that you are!"